Holiday Update

I don't think I've ever gone this long without writing here.  So much has happened.  I left my job and moved in with my stepdad back in September.  His health has been so up and down, sometimes doing a 180 from one day to the next.  He kept having mini strokes, and about a month or so ago he started having seizures.  I don't know how his body continues to take on so much stress.

He's still distraught over the loss of Mom, which is completely understandable.  I am too.  But now, when I really need the man to be my father, it's like he completely forgets that I too lost the single most important person in my life.  I'm struggling with that.

Our days are fairly routine... wake up, breakfast, then he snoozes until his hospice aid comes for his daily "washing up".  Thank goodness I haven't had to take that on.  I mean, I would if I had to, but with my back, I'm not sure I physically could.  Anyways, while she's at the house, I get out for about an hour to run any errands or try to get to the gym for a bit.  We play golf on the PlayStation for a majority of the afternoon which seems to take his mind off his grief and pain for a little while at least.  If he's doing well enough after dinner, I go to my home to spend a couple of hours with the boyfriend and the pets.  Head back to the house, make sure he's comfortable for the night and that all meds have been taken and are prepared for the next day.  Try to sleep.  Wash, rinse, repeat.

I hope it doesn't sound like I'm complaining.  I am truly grateful for whatever time he has left, and I'm glad I'm able to take care of him.  But lately, it's just seemed so hard.  Maybe it's the holidays.  I'm missing Mom terribly.  I thought I'd be okay, but the closer to Christmas it gets, the more I seem to be unraveling.

And as usual, I'm also freaking out about if I'll ever get to have kids.  The boyfriend and I have been together well over a year now, and I'm fairly confident he's the one.  I can't imagine being without him.  I had a feeling he might propose sometime over the holidays, but I guess we'll see.  In less than two months I will turn 35 years old, and I keep feeling like it's now or never for kids.  My endo pain seems to get a little stronger each month, and I'm so scared that if I don't do it soon, then it truly may not be possible for me.  We haven't used protection almost the whole time we've been together, and nothing.

How the hell would that work anyway?!  He lives in my two-bedroom house, and I live in my stepdad's two bedroom house.  If I were to get pregnant, WTF would we do?  Either house would be too small, and I don't know if moving my stepdad would even be an option.  Not to mention, he wouldn't do well with my pets, and getting rid of them is not going to happen.

I feel like everything is stacking up, and I'm freaking out.  I just don't know what to do.  I think I'm going to look for a therapist next month.

Self Pachingo Therapy

Mascara is streaking down my face right now.  My pachingo and my feelings are hurt.  I want to yell and scream and kick something really hard.

So back when I had endo excision surgery, during the initial exam my amazing doctor man diagnosed me with pelvic floor dysfunction and prescribed physical therapy for it.  Since coochie PT is not covered by insurance, I did some research and found this fabulous self-treatment book that even was said to be recommended by therapists for patients who can't afford to see them.  Appropriate I thought, so I got it.  It said I should get some medical vaginal dilators, so I did and nearly shit myself at the thought of inserting the one sized XL.  No fucking way that was gonna happen.

So tonight was to be Day 1.  I re-read the chapter on self-assessment and got to it.  Damn if I didn't make it all the way to the big boy before insertion hurt.  I was pretty proud of myself.  Then it said to take the XS and do some poking around.  Fuck if that didn't hurt every fucking place I pressed.  I was still okay though.  I realized where the problem areas are (everywhere) and read the chapter about how to start fixing it.

Alright, so step one, insertion with the little guy again.  Check.  Step two, poke it where it hurts and hold it there for a few minutes.  Alright, I'll give it a shot.  I started where it said to and worked my way around.  Then it happened.  One tear, followed by another and another until I was bawling.

The pain started it, but then it was from frustration, then anger.  Frustration that I had to be dealt this card in life on top of everything else.  (Yes, I know there are much worse cards I could have had, but let me have my little pity party.)  Agitation that I can't have what it seems everyone else has... enjoyable sex without pain.  (Is that really a thing you can do sober?**)  Then anger that this has hurt not only me but important relationships in my life.  The fact that it was part of my marriage ending and what drove my ex-boyfriend to cheat.  And there was that punch in the gut again.  I just couldn't continue in that frame of mind.

I need to do this for me.  I need to be able to enjoy sex for myself (and with... I would like to be able to insert my vibrator) and eventually with an actual penis.  I shouldn't be doing it because I'm scared if I don't I'll never be able to keep a man.  As stupid as that sounds, it's a real fear.  I've learned even the seemingly perfect man isn't guaranteed to stick around if he thinks it's his fault you're hurting every time you make love.

I met this guy online a few weeks ago.  It was strictly platonic at first but the more we've talked it's grown into basically sexting.  We've never met, we don't know personal information about each other.  His profile pic is of his very well sculpted upper half, minus the face, and I don't have a pic at all.  A lot of our sexting leans toward the rougher stuff, and it's got me thinking.  What if one day we do decide to meet, hit it off and eventually head toward the bedroom.  He obviously likes it a little more aggressive, and I do too when I can stand it (read = drunk).  What if I can't do it?  Oops... there goes another one!  And there's that fucking fear.  Literally, also.  I should be able to have sex however the fuck I want and not be scared that it's going to fucking hurt.  And me thinking about this guy (sexy as he is) is me partially thinking I'll never find a lasting love so I might as well just stick with a fuck buddy.

And in all that rambling I guess that brings me back full circle.  I need to do this.  Period.  Maybe I'll call today a practice run where I worked out all the kinks (hopefully) and tomorrow can be called Day 1½ .


**Just now writing this I've realized why I always like sex better when drunk.  I remember saying to my ex, "Let's get drunk and have sex".  Most of the time he was fine with it, but a couple of times he responded with something like, "Why do you only want to have sex when we're drunk?"  I thought it was because it takes away some of my inhibitions, but I'm just now realizing that it's also because it doesn't hurt as much when I'm numb from the alcohol.  Maybe the fact that it doesn't hurt makes me want to do more.  I definitely feel it later and still the next day, but not during, and I guess that knowledge was stored deep down somewhere.  Huh.

Better Updates

Not as grouchy as the last post, but there have been moments this past week.  Overall it's been okay.  Been making progress on some things.

- My car is getting fixed in about two weeks, and the rental car peeps will pick me up at the shop.  The other person's insurance is paying for it all.

- Had my last physical therapy appointment yesterday, and we've determined that it's not doing any good.  I see the surgeon next week and am going to be firm about getting an MRI.  Not good progress on this one, but at least it's something.

- Thought I had another promising roommate prospect, but then... nope.  What's up with all the flakes?

- I've started the Whole30 diet thing.  My chiropractor has been pushing me towards it lately because she thinks it can help with inflammation in my back.  I'm only on day two, but so far so good.  I am totally craving all the bad things though.  It's gonna be a long month, but I'm determined.

- I've started couponing some, mainly during super doubles week.  This week I spent about $28 dollars and saved $115!  Absolute craziness.

Eh, I guess that's about it for now.  Exciting stuff, I know.

Grouchy

- Put up ad on C-list for the room, get several promising responses, back and forth with a couple of them, send applications... never hear back.

- Texting with Dakota Guy all night who said he wasn't doing anything for the evening, get tired of texting, call him 30 seconds after his last text, no answer and no more texts... I know your phone is right fucking beside you!

- Back hurts, physical therapy making it hurt more and therapist saying, "Good!"... frustrated and tearing up on treadmill hoping no one sees me brushing them away.

- Physical therapy aggravating bursitis in shoulder... come on!

- Still haven't heard from the lawyer about getting my car fixed from the accident... what's the hold up?!

- Scroll through FB and my old dog pops up as a someone I might know... start bawling.

- All over FB that it's National Breastfeeding Week, see articles, people I know posting pics, their mothers calling them Breastfeeding Goddesses... terrified I will never get to do that.

- Dinner with two "sisters", their kids and parents at the parents' house, see them all one big happy family, grandparents on floor playing, scared that 1- I'll never get to have kids, 2- My back will never be strong enough for me to do all that when I'm older... rushing to bathroom to hide tears.

- Two parking spaces in front of my house, one has not been occupied for a couple of months and the whole neighborhood knows it, neighbors let their guest park in it for four days now, never asked if it was cool, I would have said yes, but it's the principle of the thing... grr.

- Same neighbors' dog comes out when I'm happily playing with my dog and instigates fence fighting... why???

Yes, AF is in town.

Flare-up #2

Last week, not one week after I'd "graduated" from physical therapy, my back started hurting crazy bad.  With my first flare-up I knew I had overdone it and was suffering the consequences.  This time I don't know what brought it on.  The day it started was just a normal day off at home and I was doing things around the house.  I'd been being mindful of everything I'd learned in PT and had been incorporating it all into routine life.  That afternoon my back got stiff and by that night I was in tears just trying to walk.  It was a different kind of pain; it was very central.  Before my surgery when I was having the terrible sciatic pain, not once did my actual back hurt.  But this time it felt like the weight and pressure from simply standing was too much for my lower spine.

I went back to the PT office the next day terrified that I had re-ruptured the disc, but luckily my wonderful PT lady didn't think so.  She said I would have been having the same sciatic pain had it re-ruptured.  Instead, she thought I was having issues with the next disc up.  I've seen her three times since then, and she thinks it's a good sign that I seem to be improving with each session, even though the progress has seemed much slower this time.

I had a follow-up appointment with my surgeon today and I was so nervous in the days before it.  My PT lady advised me that he may want me to have another MRI, and I was not excited about that thought.  I was thinking worse case scenario (of course) and was worried about what he would say and if that would interfere with the surgery for endo which is in just three short weeks now.

Nope.  He didn't seem concerned with any of it.  He said to keep doing PT and to come back in a month.  I then told him about the upcoming surgery and said I probably wouldn't be available in a month, so he made it two.  I also asked him about trying to get pregnant soon and how it could affect my back.  He reassured me about all of it and said, "Go for it."

I am so relieved!  Now I just have to focus on getting my back feeling better so that it'll be one less thing to be concerned about as the excision surgery gets closer!

Uphill... both ways... in the snow

Things have been so up and down these past couple of weeks, and I've been stressed the eff out.

Down:  Everyone's pissed at someone about something at work.  The business is going downhill quickly.  A two week notice was given.  My manager is looking for a new job and/or may get fired very soon.
Up:  I may be manager soon!  That means more money!
Down:  I have no desire to be manager of that sinking ship and inherit all the stress that goes with the job!  I never wanted a career, I just want to be a mom... waaah!

Down:  The dogs have been fighting lately.  Well, one dog.  The dog the boyfriend and I got together has been attacking my dog for sometimes what appears as no real reason at all.  He put a big hole in my dog's side which led to an appointment for him getting neutered.
Up:  Luckily I work at a vet's office and got the patching up and the neutering at a highly discounted cost.
Down:  He turned on my dog again, and now we think it's got to do with something else.  It's been so frustrating because they were fine with each other for a year and a half.  Now all of a sudden one's turned into an asshole.
Up:  Free advice from the vet I work with, and we have some new things to try.

Up:  My youngest "sister's" wedding is this weekend!  Three-day weekend and a night of possible partying at the beach.  Gonna see all my sisters and their significant others.  We're all gonna get to hang and they'll get to know my boyfriend more.
Down:  It's more money to spend that I just don't have, including buying a new dress because nothing I have is appropriate or even fits.
Up:  Find a beautiful new dress online!
Down:  It gets here and it doesn't fit, and the tiny online boutique I bought it from only does store credit, and I don't like anything else they have.  My big fat stomach that has kept getting bigger since I can't fully work out yet because of my back and eating bad shit lately makes me look freakin big and preggo.  (Phew... that was a long one.)  Have to actually go to a store and try on dresses, but can only find one that is halfway appropriate.  Go home and cry because I'm fat. :'(
Up:  Decide to buy a waist cincher so I can wear the dress I originally bought, and...
Down:  ...even though it'll be labored breathing for a few hours...
Up:  ...at least I'll feel pretty.  (Yes, I know how ridiculous that sounds and is.)

Down:  Started painting the house and hurt my back again.  Two extra weeks of physical therapy just to get it back to where it was halfway feeling better.
Up:  Now it's better, and I may potentially only have one session left before I'm done with PT altogether!  Can go back to the gym and lose some weight!
Down:  Have no money to pay for the gym.  Maybe I'll invest in some free weights and work out at home.

Up:  Surgery is in six weeks!  Time is going by so quickly.
Down:  No real down for that, except maybe the cost, but that's okay.  I'm ready.

Okay, that pity party's over.  I think the ups and downs have felt so huge lately because the birth control and anti-depressant I've stopped taking are really making their way out of my system now.  My hormones are doing their own thing again, and my emotions are back to being triggered very easily.  With a combination from those, recovery from surgery and the nerves/stress of thinking about and preparing for the next upcoming surgery, I think my body's been through a lot these past couple of months.

This week on...

My posts are turning into weekly updates.  I'm just too tired at the end of the day to write anything.  It's been a pretty good week though.

I guess my biggest news is that I got the call from Atlanta on Tuesday!  They had just gotten my records the Saturday before, and I was not expecting the call for at least a week.  The doctor was so nice and said I was the perfect candidate for laparoscopic excision.  I should be getting another call soon about the financial aspect of it all and to set up a date for surgery.  They're currently booked out about 8-10 weeks, so maybe late August/early September.  Eeeek!  I'm so excited to potentially not hurt from this anymore, or at least not to the same extent.  I've been selling stuff on Craigslist and eBay and doing my side online job to try to raise funds for this thing.  Thinking about setting up GoFundMe type account to see if anyone would be willing to help out a little.  Don't fully know how I feel about that yet.

I've been to two physical therapy appointments this week, both of which were quite awkward.  First of all, I'm the youngest patient there.  I think the average age of everyone else is around 75.  The place is mostly one big room that everyone "works out" in.  There's a good amount of slight pelvic thrusting exercises in my nice routine.  Friday I was moderately humping the table I was on, and for the entire duration Time Warp from Rocky Horror ran through my head.  It was pretty fantastic.  *sigh*

My manager at work is on vacation, and I've been in charge.  Got a call Thursday night at 10pm that the alarm had been tripped and they needed me there.  Just lovely.  Nothing missing or out of place luckily.  I'm hoping this week passes by quickly without any mishaps.  Usually when the manager is away there's a leak, electrical issue or something weird like that.  Fingers crossed!

♪ No more drama in my life ♫

I don't know how people go through their lives with so much drama.  Drama that they appear to be creating for themselves.  Do they thrive on it?  Do they not know how to be without it?  I hear it from pretty much everyone at work almost every single day, and just listening to them exhausts me.  I can't and don't even want to imagine what they feel.  Some of it really isn't their fault... whether it be from bad luck or ending up with in-laws from hell.  But some of it really is of their own doing.  Why do they continue to do it to themselves?  I'm the go to person when they need to vent and I'm to a point where I don't know what to say to them anymore.

No real drama in my life, just jumbled nerves.  I got my packet of paperwork and medical records mailed off to the CEC yesterday.  So sometime in the next few weeks I should be getting a call from one of the doctors there.  Wow.  I really hope I can afford to do the surgery if they think it could help.  If not, I guess we'll jump right into TTC, so in theory I'll be happy either way.  Well, once that ring shows up on my finger we will, haha.

I had my six week post surgery check up the other day and I'm doing well.  Still feeling some pain, but he said I will for awhile.  I start physical therapy next week to teach me how to move correctly and exercise without re-damaging my back.  I kinda am and am not looking forward to it at the same time.

When my back is better, the boyfriend and I want to repaint the old roommate's bedroom and bathroom and fix up the rest of the house.  Wenesday we drove through the neighborhood we'd like to live in seeing where the houses in our price range are.  I'm so excited for that.

Mind Shrinking Over Java

I had another therapy appointment this afternoon, and it was much needed.  Hadn't seen her in about a month, and I think that's just a little too long to go right now.  She splits her time between here and Charlotte and ended up having to give up her office space here, so we met at a coffee shop today.  It was different, but just as effective.  I feel so much better after talking to her.

I've been having a rough time and she gave me a new perspective today.  Some things to think about when I'm getting really down.  Hopefully I can put that into action when the time comes again.  If not, I'll get another reminder when I see her again in a couple of weeks.  I'm going to start associating her with coffee and get really excited about it before too long, haha.

I do love me some coffee.

Making Progress

I feel really good!  I had my second therapy session yesterday, and my lovely therapist lady felt I came a long way in a short time.  My first appointment was two weeks ago, and I was in tears pretty much the whole time.  Yesterday I only teared up once or twice, and they didn't stick around for very long.  Last time we set some goals for me to work towards, and she was kind of shocked that I had accomplished almost all of them already.  I was too actually.  She said I looked better, like I was happier... she even said I was glowing!

I've found some much needed confidence in myself the past couple of weeks.  I've realized how strong I can be when it's needed, and how turning to others when I can't be is okay.  It's not a sign of weakness... it's wanting what everyone wants, what people are meant to do... to reach out and make connections with other people.  I'm surrounding myself with positive people who help to build me up.  I feel very lucky to have so many friends that are so supportive.  They're helping me find and hold onto that confidence.

I feel better about myself.  I feel better about my capabilities and how I'll utilize them in the future.  I feel that as much as the situation hurts, I've learned a lot from it and will be able to use that in the next relationship and life in general.