Dream Come True

You know how my whole life all I've ever wanted is to have a family?

I'M FUCKING PREGNANT!!!!

Oh. My. God.  I still can't believe it!  And on the freakin first month off of birth control.  No way did I ever think it would happen this fast and I was fully prepared for it to be a long process.  Nope!

So, getting personal here...

A few days after I should have ovulated, my boobs got super sore and my nipples just stayed in a constant state of alert.  Which they never do.  It was so freakin weird.  I figured it was just PMS starting early and coming on strong.  So, I got closer and closer to when AF was due and was slightly cramping, but had no spotting, which I always do.

So I decided to take a test.

I laid it down, set a timer, and walked out of the room fully expecting to return to a single line.  Like always.  I had to walk back in to get something and decided to just peek at it even though there were a few minutes left.

Big, dark BFP staring right at me!

No fucking way.  Are you serious?  OH MY GOD!!!

Shake, laugh, and cry.  That's what I did.  It was later morning, and the boyfriend wouldn't be home until evening, and I decided not to call him at work.  I did take another test just to see, and sure enough, another BFP.  Sweet!

I headed to the computer and researched some interesting ways to tell him.  Many would take some planning, and I didn't want to wait.  I had a huge multi-picture frame thing that I'd been wanting to fill up, so I decided to use that.  I took a selfie of me holding the positive test and one of the dog in shaming style with a sign that said "I will not bark at the baby."  I filled the remaining spots with pictures of the two of us.

I covered it with a blanket and prepared for a grand reveal.  He came home, and I let him get settled while acting totally normal.  I told him I wanted to show him something I had made that day and he followed me over.  I should have ripped the blanket off all at once, but he grabbed a corner and just saw the picture of the dog and sign.  He looked at me and asked, "Is that supposed to mean something?"  I told him "Yes."  He replied, "Really?" "Yep."  Then he smiled and hugged me.  It was wonderful.

We ended up telling family and very close friends.  Everyone was so excited, and I loved getting to say the words, "I'm pregnant."

His brother and sister-in-law invited us for dinner the next day, and on the way over we got to talking about getting married.  We wanted to go ahead and make it legal, then have a ceremony this summer.

We're getting married tomorrow!!  I'm overjoyed.

While we were with his family, we asked their opinions on dates and venues and ended up doing a full on search almost all night.  We've pretty much decided on somewhere in the NC mountains.  I've got two meetings in the next couple of weeks set up to tour places that have our date available.  I can't believe this is all happening so quickly.  A week ago I didn't even know I was pregnant, much less that we'd be getting married anytime soon.

This is incredible.

Holiday Update

I don't think I've ever gone this long without writing here.  So much has happened.  I left my job and moved in with my stepdad back in September.  His health has been so up and down, sometimes doing a 180 from one day to the next.  He kept having mini strokes, and about a month or so ago he started having seizures.  I don't know how his body continues to take on so much stress.

He's still distraught over the loss of Mom, which is completely understandable.  I am too.  But now, when I really need the man to be my father, it's like he completely forgets that I too lost the single most important person in my life.  I'm struggling with that.

Our days are fairly routine... wake up, breakfast, then he snoozes until his hospice aid comes for his daily "washing up".  Thank goodness I haven't had to take that on.  I mean, I would if I had to, but with my back, I'm not sure I physically could.  Anyways, while she's at the house, I get out for about an hour to run any errands or try to get to the gym for a bit.  We play golf on the PlayStation for a majority of the afternoon which seems to take his mind off his grief and pain for a little while at least.  If he's doing well enough after dinner, I go to my home to spend a couple of hours with the boyfriend and the pets.  Head back to the house, make sure he's comfortable for the night and that all meds have been taken and are prepared for the next day.  Try to sleep.  Wash, rinse, repeat.

I hope it doesn't sound like I'm complaining.  I am truly grateful for whatever time he has left, and I'm glad I'm able to take care of him.  But lately, it's just seemed so hard.  Maybe it's the holidays.  I'm missing Mom terribly.  I thought I'd be okay, but the closer to Christmas it gets, the more I seem to be unraveling.

And as usual, I'm also freaking out about if I'll ever get to have kids.  The boyfriend and I have been together well over a year now, and I'm fairly confident he's the one.  I can't imagine being without him.  I had a feeling he might propose sometime over the holidays, but I guess we'll see.  In less than two months I will turn 35 years old, and I keep feeling like it's now or never for kids.  My endo pain seems to get a little stronger each month, and I'm so scared that if I don't do it soon, then it truly may not be possible for me.  We haven't used protection almost the whole time we've been together, and nothing.

How the hell would that work anyway?!  He lives in my two-bedroom house, and I live in my stepdad's two bedroom house.  If I were to get pregnant, WTF would we do?  Either house would be too small, and I don't know if moving my stepdad would even be an option.  Not to mention, he wouldn't do well with my pets, and getting rid of them is not going to happen.

I feel like everything is stacking up, and I'm freaking out.  I just don't know what to do.  I think I'm going to look for a therapist next month.

Spinning

I feel overwhelmed.  My mind is spinning, going from one trouble to the next in a constant loop.  Freakin AF just arrived as well, so PMS has helped to fuel the fire.

First thing, my stepdad is not doing well.  His doctor said he might have around six months or so left with us, and he seems to be going downhill quickly.  We've known it was coming, but it's still absolutely heartbreaking.  My mom has decided to retire early so she can spend this time with him.  She actually has stayed home this week.  Apparently he had such a hard time this past weekend that they thought he might be having a stroke.  It's all so scary, and I can't even imagine what he's been feeling.  I know he's been in so much pain and is miserable.

Much less serious, but still troubles my mind is my ex-roommate.  He's been gone for about a month, but just when I think I'm done communicating with him, he'll text me about something.  Yesterday he rudely asked where his security deposit was.  I actually sent it to him two weeks ago, but who knows why he didn't see that.  I don't know why, but whenever I see his name on my phone I run cold and start shaking involuntarily.  He never did anything to my physically, but I guess it affected me mentally more than I thought.  And I should have kept a lot more of his security deposit than I did because his room was nasty.  The walls were stained and required painting, there was mold, and the carpet cleaner I rented brought up a massive ink stain that has been impossible to get out.  And there's a funky smell that's driving me crazy.  Ugh.

I learned yesterday that my ex-boyfriend now has a daughter.  The ex who left me in part because he decided he didn't want kids.  Apparently it was an accident from a fling that must have happened the second he was out of my house because the kid is well over a year old now.  Happy for him though if he's happy.

My now boyfriend who I love so very much is moving in with me this weekend.  I had been so excited about it, but now it feels like a cloud is hanging over us, and I'm a little worried.  It seems he's been going through a life crisis of sorts.  He's losing his job in a few months and has no idea what he wants to do.  He doesn't really want to move to my town (although he says he is happy for us to be moving in together) and he really doesn't want to stay in this area in general.

Last weekend we had a talk in which he said he hasn't felt close to me lately.  And he's scared of hurting me.  From day one I've been very open about the fact that I want kids and that I need to sooner rather than later.  He's known that and seemed to want the same.  Now he's saying that he doesn't want kids soon and is scared that he'll be wasting my time.

What the actual fuck.

I'm really hoping that he's just freaking about the big changes happening right now and will feel better once his life settles some.  I've decided that I'm not ready to give up on him.  I love him.  I can see us being forever.  As hard as it has been to wait this long, he's worth waiting a little while longer.

I'm hoping it's just my PMS affecting me, but for some reason since the talk I feel all weird when I'm around him.  Now I don't feel close to him.  I don't feel that all-encompassing love.  I mean, I do, but I keep holding back around him now.  I'm guessing I'm just scared that I will give him the time, but he'll decide to bail.

Because that's what has always happened.  And I'm terrified to go through it again and find myself that much older again and potentially with even less chance of getting pregnant.  But I've made my decision to give him time and now all I can do is hope for the best.

I'm sad today, so gonna write...

AF showed just before being five weeks late.  At that point I was just so ready for the waiting game to be over and to put the whole emotionally trying cycle behind me that I actually yelled out "YES!" when she arrived.  Luckily I was at home.  I spotted for a week after she was gone and have been having daily pelvic pain ever since.  This cycle is showing signs of being normal in terms of length so far, so I guess we'll see if I get back on track.

I'm actually really scared the endo is back now.  I was reading on my surgeon's website that it's pretty rare for it to come back after he does surgery, and that the pain is usually from something else and often adhesions.  So I don't know.  I want to call and talk to them just to get an opinion, but I'm scared of looking foolish and wasting their time.  And in reality, what can they really do?  Surgery isn't an option right now, and I have no desire to be put on any medications.  The pain isn't awfully bad, just an annoying everyday occurrence that I can tolerate for now.  I'm really just scared that my fertility is being affected again.

The boyfriend and I just had our six month anniversary, and he might be moving in with me in a month or two.  I can completely see him as the one, and we certainly are serious.  He even mentioned trying again when we found out I wasn't pregnant.  I'm really hoping we can try soon, and that's the main reason I don't want to take any drugs for this pain.

In other news, the boyfriend and I went out of town a couple of weekends ago to visit some of his friends I hadn't met before... a cute couple with two kids.  It was nice to meet them and just hang out.  We got in late Friday night and stayed up drinking and talking until 2:30 in the morning.  We all got trashed which mellowed us for the entire weekend.  We're not that young anymore apparently.  We took the kids to a park Saturday and did brunch Sunday followed by walking around downtown.  The boyfriend and I headed back early afternoon and just lazed around recuperating more for the rest of the day.  It was pretty perfect.

My stepfather was in the hospital for three days last week.  He's got end-stage COPD and he developed pneumonia.  It was scary.  Every time I saw him, he seemed okay, but he had rough nights there.  It's something like that that will eventually get the better of him, and every time he gets sick we get nervous.  He's been home for a couple of days now and is slowly getting better, for which I am very thankful.  His birthday is this weekend, and I'm very happy we'll be able to celebrate.

Not Pregnant

I went in for a blood test yesterday, and the results came back negative.  Less than one mIU/ml, so really negative.  I'm now almost three weeks late for AF with her nowhere in sight.  Still having weird cramping and daily headaches, which are really annoying.  The nurse talked about hormones changing as you get older (just what I needed to hear right then) and said if AF doesn't show by Monday to call and a make an appointment to see the doctor.  Fucking awesome.

I called the boyfriend to tell him, and he was totally there for me.  He sounded bummed but was so strong and supportive.  He really has been amazing through all of this.  We just had the best long weekend together.  We went out of town for a few days and celebrated my birthday and Valentine's Day at his family's beach condo.  We had such a relaxing time and a wonderful fancy dinner.  I didn't drink at all, but you can bet I will be this weekend.

I'm sad.  I'm disappointed.  I'm scared the endo is back.

Waiting Game

Here I am, twelve days late, still no sign of AF, still getting negative pregnancy tests.  WTF?!  Never in my life have I missed a period or had a cycle longer than 35 days (and that's when I was much younger).  I'm currently on day 42.  I just don't get it.

I told the boyfriend about it at the end of last week.  He was totally shocked and didn't know what to say.  Other than a few general how and when type things, we really didn't discuss it much further that evening.  The next night after he'd had time alone to process, we talked for a little while, and he said he actually wanted me to be pregnant!

Which made me totally fucking melt.

We talked about how I'd been feeling and how I'd been testing, along with other little things I can't seem to recall now.  But we didn't talk about the future or what we would do if we are pregnant.  And that's okay.  We need to find out first.

Which is what has been driving me crazy.  I keep reading stories online about women who didn't get their BFPs until waaay past when AF was due, and that's what I keep clinging to.  Apparently for some people pregnancy tests don't always work right away or at all.  Sometimes it takes much longer than you'd expect for the hCG to be detected by OTC tests.  I've tried three different brands of tests so far.  I started with a grocery store generic, then First Response, and finally ordered a 25-pack of Wondfos because the others are way too expensive.  I'm wanting to test every morning now, so I'm glad I got them.

Day after tomorrow I'll be two weeks late, in theory making me six weeks pregnant.  If I am.  I've been having weird cramping since last week.  It doesn't feel like normal AF cramps, which I've taken as a good thing and have been hoping has just been the uterus starting to stretch or whatever it does.  Then what I call ovary pain, localized on each side, started up and has gotten more intense with each passing day.  It's been mostly on the left side, which made me nervous about an ectopic, but today it's gotten sharper on the right side.  Then I started reading about pregnancy with endometriosis and how that pain could be from the scar tissue stretching or something.  I just don't know.  Oh, Dr. Google.

I've also had bouts of being not quite nauseous, but just a little queasy.  Almost every day, and I'm never like that usually.  I've also had a headache at some point every single day which is annoying.

Of course I'm thinking of other things it could be also.  The scariest is that the endo is back with a vengeance.  It really does frighten me to think of that.  The boyfriend is taking me out of town for a long birthday weekend, and I'm taking vacation from work next week.  If still nothing either way by Monday or Tuesday, I'm going to see if I can get in with my doctor for a blood test or ultrasound maybe.  I'm fully expecting them to dismiss it all and tell me that it's probably nothing.  But I know it's not.  I know my body and if I'm not pregnant, then this pain and being so late means something else.  It's not normal for me.

Either way, the boyfriend has been so wonderful and supportive.  I was voicing concerns about the endo last night and started crying.  He was so sweet and said we're going to get it figured out.  The way he said that "we" made me so happy.  The concern in his voice made me feel so safe and protected and like he would stay by my side no matter the outcome of all of this.  That feeling is incredible.

Could it be?

I might be pregnant.  Probably not, but... maybe.  I'm late.  Only about four days, but I'm never late.  Every now and again I'll have a long cycle, 32 or so days, but not recently.  I've been Miss 28 on the dot lately.  I'm currently on day 34 with none of my typical PMS symptoms or tells that AF is on the way.  Nothing.  I tested the day AF was due and again two days later... both negative.  It's probably psychosomatic, but I swear my sense of smell is better lately and I was nauseous a few times over the past couple of days.  Along with a few other symptoms which could really go either way.

Logically, I know I'm probably not.  I know my body and when I ovulate.  I learned so much when when I was TTC all those years ago (OMG... 6 years now!?!) and it's stuck with me, always in the back of my mind.  Unless I actually ovulated at an abnormal time, we have been very careful.

I also started a mostly Whole30 diet again about two weeks ago.  That could very possibly be interfering.  I've only lost a couple of pounds though, so nothing drastic.  But still, the change could have done something.  Although the last time I started it and was incredibly strict, it didn't affect me at all.

My first reaction when AF was late was that no, this is not the time.  We've only been dating about four and a half months, and I want to do this in the traditional order... love, marriage, baby.  I know life doesn't work that way sometimes.  Fuck knows it didn't in the past.  I'm now less than two weeks from turning 34 and have endometriosis.  The time is right fucking now.  For me anyway.

He might not agree.  He's stressed about life in general and an upcoming job and possibly location change.  Along with some other personal things happening tomorrow.  I haven't said anything to him, not wanting to add any more stress for him if it turns out I'm actually not knocked up.  I was going to test again today or tomorrow, but I'm thinking probably Friday... after his stuff is over, so that if I find out I am I won't be keeping it from him for a couple of days.  I just want him to get through tomorrow.

I do love him so very much and have been hoping we were headed in this direction, so in my mind it's not a bad thing.  Not the best timing at all, but not bad.  Seeing how he interacts with his nieces and nephews and how he talks about them, I know he'd be a great father.  Before I told him about my previous TTC efforts and how I track my cycles, he mentioned we should be more careful since I'm not on any birth control.  But he also added that it wouldn't be the worst thing if we did get pregnant.  So there's that.

Part of me also wants this because it would have just happened.  No planning, no tracking, no anxious 2WW every month.  Is that selfish?  I know it sounds bad, but that part of it would be nice.  I did that for a year, and it took a toll.  I would do it all over again in a heartbeat if it ended with a baby, but it would be hard.

I guess we'll find out soon enough.

Worries

I go back to work tomorrow.  I'm happy and nervous at the same time.  Happy to be getting back to doing something and feeling useful.  Nervous about how it's all gonna go down.  I think it'll be okay.  I went in Friday for my paycheck, and the new manager was freaking out a little about one aspect she hadn't known about.  I actually showed her a few things to get her through it, and it went well.

I'm also happy to be getting out of the house and having something else to focus on besides the break-up.  The now ex-boyfriend has been off the past couple of days, so we've been home together a lot.  Sometimes it's not so bad, but a majority of the time it's just super awkward.  I can't go up and kiss him anymore, although we do hug sometimes.  The feelings are all still there, but I have to just turn them off.  It's difficult.

He actually went to look at a new place yesterday and put in an application for it.  On one hand I want him to still live here a couple of months so I can save up a little more money since I plan on living by myself for a few months after he leaves.  On the other I think it would be better if he did move sooner so I could start trying to get over him.

I'm terrified about getting a new roommate.  I lucked out with my last one and don't think I'd ever find another one like her.  But I might, possibly.  I really don't want to get one, but I can't afford to live here by myself.  Grrr...

Other stupid stuff I'm worrying about now:
- I have to mow the massive lawn again now with my heavy manual, swirly-whirligig mower.  How's that gonna go with my bum back?
- Am I gonna keep the gas tank for the fireplace?  I can't afford to have that massive thing refilled by myself.  Is a new roommate going to want to split the cost?
- The whole neighborhood's going to know we split up when his car goes away for good.  It really doesn't matter, but it's annoying.
- He's more than likely going to take his dog with him, and both dogs are going to be sad when they're separated.  Mine was actually depressed for awhile last time and didn't want to play or do much of anything.
- I'll have to get my own butter dish.  

Random things like that pop in my head all the time.  The biggest thing I worry about is if I'm ever going to have a child.  How long will it be before I date again?  If/when I find the right man, how long will we date before getting married?  Will I still be able to have children when that happens?  If I could do it on my own I totally would, but I just cannot afford that.  I wish I could so I wouldn't have to worry about a freakin man.

Left Behind

I hope I one day get to participate in some of the things that only mommies get to share together.  The youngest of my four "sisters" is pregnant, so that makes all of them with little ones now.  I keep seeing them tag each other in Facebook posts about pregnancy, breastfeeding, toddler tactics, etc, and it's hard.  I feel so left out.  I remember when the ex and I were trying and I was so excited that I might be the first one of us to have a baby.  So much for that.

In fact, you know that one stereotypical friend that's always behind everyone else in life?  I feel like that's me.  I was always the single one in the teenage years and the one late to the significant life events.  I was sixteen for my first kiss and 24 before I found love and all that went with it.  To be fair though I was the first one to buy a house.  And to get divorced.  That's something, I suppose.

The other day my old college roommate announced that she's finally pregnant with her first.  Yes, I'm jealous, but she totally deserves it.  She's been trying for years and years and didn't think it would ever happen for her.  I'm so very happy that it did.

On the other hand, last week an ex-coworker announced that she's pregnant with her on and off again boyfriend.  She's been doing drugs for as long as I've known her, although she claims she's clean now.  I hope so.  And another ex-coworker gave birth about a month ago to a little girl.  We found out she was taking illegally obtained pills during her entire pregnancy.  I hope that beautiful little one is okay.  I'm not saying they deserve it any less, it's just hard to see.

Who am I to talk?  I'm not even officially trying and haven't been for a very long time.  I feel like I've been waiting forever.  Technically it's been four years since the ex and I split and therefore stopped trying.  Add that to the approximately one year we were trying... that's five years since I started trying to have a baby.  I went from mid/later twenties to early thirties, and fertility wise, that's a long time.  For me that's a really fucking long time.  We could start in a few months, but I'd really like to be married before we do.  The way things are going now, who knows when that will be.

I'm so tired of having to wait for the only thing I've ever wanted to do with my life.

Gathering moss over here...

Hello all.  Happy New Year.  A little late, but that's how I roll here lately.  Once again I feel like life has been stalled.  So many things I want to do, but I have to wait.  I want to get married, but I have to wait.  I want to try to get pregnant, but I have to wait.  I want to go to the gym and physically feel better, but I have to wait.

Second back surgery is scheduled for next month... the day before my birthday to be exact.  Hopefully I'll be getting out of the hospital the day I ring in my 32nd year.  So I'm waiting another month for that.  Then after I'll wait many months more... to heal, to be able to effectively exercise, to start that two pink lines trek again.

And I'm still waiting for an official proposal.  Part of me is thinking that if he really wanted to propose he would have by now.  I mean, seriously.  We started talking about this over a year ago.  I had my ring setting (we've already got the main stone) picked out seven months ago, and it's not expensive.  Then the logical part of me kicks in pointing out yet again how tight money really has been.  But how long has a girl got to wait?!

I've been in yet another funk for a while lately, and I'm tired of waiting for it to end.  I think all of the above plus a little more and just worrying about it has dragged me down here.  I considered taking anti-depressants again, but I keep telling myself I can get out of this without pharmaceutical help.

I've thought maybe getting creative somehow and physically making something could help and I've been antsy trying to decide on something.  Whenever (if ever) we do get married, a lot of the wedding and reception will have to be DIY, and I'd really like to start on it.  But I have to wait for the proposal and setting a date to decide on themes and colors and what exactly I want to make.  I asked him a little while ago if he'd thought of when he would like to have the wedding.  In true male fashion he said, "I'm thinking May."  So, four months?  Sure, that's totally doable.  *sigh*  I'll be lucky to even have the first ring on my finger by then.

I'm just bitching and moaning again.  I feel like that's all I do.  But again, this is where I come to do it, and the loving internet gets to enjoy it.  Joking aside, it is nice to have this place to vent knowing no one I know is actually reading.

Seven Percent

Here we go again.  Looks like I will be ringing in the new year with my third operation in eight months scheduled.  That's just crazy.  I met with my surgeon today who went over the MRI with me.  It's bad.  Even worse than last time he said.  The same disc has re-ruptured and is bulging even more than it did before the first surgery.  He said I'm one of the unlucky 7% that it happens to.  I always was an overachiever.

At first he mentioned physical therapy with spinal traction, but didn't think it would be effective based on the size of the bulge.  Surgically, he said I had two options.  One is to do the same procedure as last time... clean everything out and let it heal.  The second is to fuse the two vertebrae together so the disc wouldn't be an issue again.  The first would leave me with an increased risk of re-rupturing it once again, but it could also be just fine.  The other would cause more problems in the future like more back pain and the possibility of faster degeneration of the next disc up.  At my age, he recommended doing the first.  I agreed.

This just fucking sucks.  More work will be missed.  More money will be lost.  And I was really hoping that we'd get to start trying to conceive in the next couple of months.  So much for that.

I'm so frustrated right now.

Local Doc

This week I finally had my follow-up appointment with my local gyno, which went well.  I was there for about an hour and a half, and most of it was just waiting.  I was in the main waiting room which was filled with pregnant women for about half an hour.  I totally agree with everyone who says there should be separate waiting rooms for preggo and for non-knocked up patients.

When I was finally called back I handed over the records from the surgeon, and the nurse started typing them all into her computer.  When she first looked over them she said, "You had all of this done at one time?  It's amazing you're moving around so well."  And this is five weeks after surgery.  I sat next to her for about twenty more minutes as she typed everything in.  As she escorted me to the next waiting room she said, "Sorry that took so long... there were so many -ectomies to type in!"  Yes, yes there were.

A few minutes later I was taken to the exam room where I would wait for the doctor.  For at least another twenty minutes.  It.  Took.  Forever.  When she finally came in she herself looked over all the records and notes and said, "You had endo all over the place... we never see that."  All I could think was, "And that's why I went to Atlanta."

She was actually pretty interested in everything.  She asked questions about the surgery and was impressed with how they did it.  She was pretty excited to do my exam and really wanted to see the internal pachingo stitches.  The exam wasn't very pleasant for me, but she said everything looked great and gave me the okay to resume normal activities after this cycle ends.  (Which, by the way, did coincide with another flare up in my back, which totally leads me to believe that they're related.  Craziness.)

She went over my list of medications and asked if I was still on birth control, to which I said no.  She asked, "So if you were to get pregnant now, that would be okay?"  I happily replied with a yes.  It felt wonderful to say that now, no longer being in the dark and knowing that my chances are much better than they were before surgery.  We want to wait a little while, but if it happens, I'll be completely okay with it.

Post-Op Review

I'm home.  The rides down and back were long.  Pre-op was a big ol' kerfuffle.  Surgery itself went well.  Recovery has been a bitch.  And now I'm home.  Resting.  And doing laundry.

It started with the hotel calling while we were driving down there to inform us that they didn't have a room for us.  Are you kidding me?  We chose that hotel because it was less than two miles from the doctor's office and the hospital.  We ended up with a free night but at a hotel about eight miles away.  Now eight miles doesn't sound far, but in Atlanta traffic on 285 it meant driving at least half an hour to get anywhere... what should have only taken us five to ten minutes at our first choice.

The day before surgery we decided to go the hospital for their pre-op requirements in the morning since the appointment with the surgeon wasn't until the afternoon.  Northside is a bigger hospital than I've ever encountered and was interesting to navigate.  When we finally arrived at where we needed to be, they informed us we were supposed to see them after the pre-op appointment at Dr. Sinervo's office, which no one had told us.  Apparently no one informed us of some other things either.  I got all flustered, but everything worked out in the end, and luckily we didn't have to go back later.

When his appointment rolled around, I met everyone in the office I had been talking to and emailing with for the past few months.  Dr. Sinervo really is as amazing as everyone says he is.  He's warm and friendly and gives really strong hugs.  So does Dee Dee. We spoke with Dr. Sinervo, then he got the privilege of being the first male doctor to ever go "down there".   He did a pelvic exam and a vaginal ultrasound and told me I had pelvic floor dysfunction and a retroverted uterus, which I didn't know.  Dee Dee held my hand and wiped my tears during the painful exam.  Based on everything, he decided to do a few more things while he'd be in there the next day.  In addition to excision, partial vaginectomy, and possible bowel resection, he wanted to do a cystoscopy to look in the bladder, a hysteroscopy to look in the uterus, and to flush my tubes (can't remember the official term) to make sure they were ok.  I left his office that day knowing I had chosen the right doctor.

That entire day I had been on a clear liquid diet, and that afternoon I started the dreaded bowel prep.  Actually, neither was as bad as I had been anticipating.  I wasn't quite as hungry as I had been expecting, and the bowel prep was a ton of liquid that really filled me up.  I had eaten light the couple of days before that also, so that evening wasn't as gruesome as I'd been picturing.

The next day we arrived at the hospital a little before 5:30am.  Admissions was quick and I was soon back in the pre-op area.  After I was all dressed down and hooked up, they let my mother come back to pass the time with me.  We met the anesthesiologist, who was amazing, and many others on my team for that day.  After they wheeled me into the operating room, Dr. Sinervo held my hand and comforted me as I drifted off to sleep.  What an incredible man.

Surgery lasted about two hours, and I was in recovery for about three.  I had kind of a rough time in there and was relieved when I was finally allowed to go into my private room.  My mom came in a little later, and I immediately asked her what the doctor said he found.  Here's the rundown:

- My uterus was retroverted because it was attached to my bowel... ouch!  He unattached it, put it back in its proper place and excised the endo on them both.
- The endo on the bowel and rectum was superficial, so he didn't have to go into the muscle layer or do a resection.
- My ovaries were also scarred down in that area, and he was able to free them up.
- There was a nodule of endo going through the vaginal wall, so he had to cut out part of the vagina and stitch it up.
- Endo was excised on the uterosacral ligaments and part of the abdominal wall.
- Removed the appendix because it was stiff with possible endo.
- Inside of uterus and bladder looked fine.  Tubes looked fine.

Dr. Sinervo came to visit the next day and went over all of the above.  He also said the endo was Stage IV due to "complete obliteration of the cul-de-sac," but from a fertility standpoint it was more like a Stage II.  He added that after this surgery, my chances for natural conception went up from 60% to about 80-85%!!  That's so exciting!  He also said that the endo shouldn't come back.  The fact that I should be able to live my life from now on without that pain brings an amazing feeling.

But the next three periods should be bad, they said, and it figures that I started two days after surgery!  It's been rough.  The pain meds they sent me home with were too strong for me, and I've felt like absolute crap.  And I can't stop freakin crying!  I've heard that's normal after this kind of surgery, but come on.

I had a post-op appointment at Dr. Sinervo's office yesterday morning, but it was with a doctor I was unfamiliar with.  He introduced himself and said he worked with Dr. Sinervo, then went over the pictures from surgery and some follow up care instructions.  The fact that it wasn't Dr. Sinervo upset me, and I was really out of it from the pain meds, so of course I started tearing up.  Geez.  Dee Dee held my hand again and was so comforting.  I had some questions but could barely get the words out right, but luckily my wonderful mother helped me there.  This doctor did the best he could and tried to be comforting.  I did end up seeing Dr. Sinervo before I left, and he gave me another wonderful hug.

After the appointment, we headed back to the hotel and decided to get on the road.  We were going to drive about halfway and stop for the night, but we ended up trucking it all the way home.  For some reason I felt like I wasn't ready to be home yet though.  Emotionally I really wanted to stay at a hotel one more night.  I didn't feel ready to face the real world just yet.  But I could tell that my mom was anxious to get home, so I didn't say anything.  She's been absolutely incredible through all of this.  So supportive and there for whatever I needed.

So now I'm home.  It feels kinda weird, and I don't know why.  The overcast sky outside matches my mood.  I should be happy... I just had the surgery that I've been wanting to have for years and got really good news about my fertility.  My insides are going to be as normal as possible, and I'm going to feel better.  So why am I so freakin sad??  Even though I know it's normal to feel like this right now, it's really bothering me.  They say after a little time I'll feel like normal again, so that's what I'll plan for.

But to end this on a good note, I feel so very thankful.  For finding an amazing doctor and sticking to my guns about seeing him.  For finally being able to go through with this surgery.  For all of the support I've received from family and friends all of these years.  I am truly lucky.

Flare-up #2

Last week, not one week after I'd "graduated" from physical therapy, my back started hurting crazy bad.  With my first flare-up I knew I had overdone it and was suffering the consequences.  This time I don't know what brought it on.  The day it started was just a normal day off at home and I was doing things around the house.  I'd been being mindful of everything I'd learned in PT and had been incorporating it all into routine life.  That afternoon my back got stiff and by that night I was in tears just trying to walk.  It was a different kind of pain; it was very central.  Before my surgery when I was having the terrible sciatic pain, not once did my actual back hurt.  But this time it felt like the weight and pressure from simply standing was too much for my lower spine.

I went back to the PT office the next day terrified that I had re-ruptured the disc, but luckily my wonderful PT lady didn't think so.  She said I would have been having the same sciatic pain had it re-ruptured.  Instead, she thought I was having issues with the next disc up.  I've seen her three times since then, and she thinks it's a good sign that I seem to be improving with each session, even though the progress has seemed much slower this time.

I had a follow-up appointment with my surgeon today and I was so nervous in the days before it.  My PT lady advised me that he may want me to have another MRI, and I was not excited about that thought.  I was thinking worse case scenario (of course) and was worried about what he would say and if that would interfere with the surgery for endo which is in just three short weeks now.

Nope.  He didn't seem concerned with any of it.  He said to keep doing PT and to come back in a month.  I then told him about the upcoming surgery and said I probably wouldn't be available in a month, so he made it two.  I also asked him about trying to get pregnant soon and how it could affect my back.  He reassured me about all of it and said, "Go for it."

I am so relieved!  Now I just have to focus on getting my back feeling better so that it'll be one less thing to be concerned about as the excision surgery gets closer!

Preparation

Four little weeks!  Just under one month until my excision surgery!!  I'm so stoked and absolutely terrified at the same time.  I've been wanting this surgery for a very long time, and it's finally about to happen.  Having been through my first surgery ever just a few short months ago, I feel like I know what to expect in regards to the process of it.  I know the nervousness I'll be feeling when I get up before dawn to head to the hospital.  I know what the pre-op area and process will be like.  I know how getting the initial sedative and being wheeled to the operating room will go.  I know what groggily waking up in post-op will be like.  I know what spending 24 hours in a hospital bed will be like afterwards.  It could be longer depending on what they find, but I really hope it'll only be one day this time too.  (I don't know what to expect the day before with the bowel prep as I've never had to do anything like that before... eek!)

With the surgery for the ruptured disc the surgeon knew exactly where to go and what to fix, and I knew I would immediately feel better.  There's a huge element of uncertainty for me with this next one though as it's partially exploratory.  They'll puff me up and look all the way from the upper abdomen down, which is awesome but also just weird to think about.  It'll be very thorough which I am so very thankful for, but who knows what they'll find.  I have no idea what all of my organs will look like.

The plan is to entirely cut out whatever disease they find, roots and all.  I'm hoping the pain that the endo has caused all these years will be eliminated, but I'm nervous about the pain from surgery and during the recuperation time.  With my last one I felt better as soon as I woke up, having pain only at the incision site.  Well, and from the breathing tube... really hoping that doesn't happen again.  I'm nervous about the pain, but I know I can handle it.

I think I'm most nervous about the news I'll receive after surgery... whether or not he thinks there's a shot that I could have children.  Whether or not my reproductive organs have been affected by the disease and if pregnancy could happen naturally.  Whether or not the only dream I've had for my life will be able to become a reality.

I've been thinking about that aspect of it a lot lately.  I think possibly my brain has been preparing me for worst-case scenario just in case the news is not good on that front.  I've been exploring the possibilities of a child-free life and trying to put it in a positive light.  Thinking of things I'd want to do if adoption turns out not being a possibility (which would be very likely, at least for quite a few years).

I do occasionally think about it being good news and starting to TTC after I've healed from surgery.  I think about what it could be like to get pregnant and prepare for a little one.  To bring a new life into the world with the man I love and help it as it learns, grows and becomes his or her own person.  And as stupid as it sounds, I think about what it would feel like to not be so different and feel so ostracized from my friends.  To no longer feel the jealousy I've felt all these years as I've watched every single one of them move on to and thrive in motherhood.  

For the most part though I think I'd rather prepare for the worst and be happily surprised than count on the best and be devastated if it doesn't turn out that way.  Maybe that will change as September 18th gets closer, but for now, even though it makes me sad, it feels like the best approach.

♪ No more drama in my life ♫

I don't know how people go through their lives with so much drama.  Drama that they appear to be creating for themselves.  Do they thrive on it?  Do they not know how to be without it?  I hear it from pretty much everyone at work almost every single day, and just listening to them exhausts me.  I can't and don't even want to imagine what they feel.  Some of it really isn't their fault... whether it be from bad luck or ending up with in-laws from hell.  But some of it really is of their own doing.  Why do they continue to do it to themselves?  I'm the go to person when they need to vent and I'm to a point where I don't know what to say to them anymore.

No real drama in my life, just jumbled nerves.  I got my packet of paperwork and medical records mailed off to the CEC yesterday.  So sometime in the next few weeks I should be getting a call from one of the doctors there.  Wow.  I really hope I can afford to do the surgery if they think it could help.  If not, I guess we'll jump right into TTC, so in theory I'll be happy either way.  Well, once that ring shows up on my finger we will, haha.

I had my six week post surgery check up the other day and I'm doing well.  Still feeling some pain, but he said I will for awhile.  I start physical therapy next week to teach me how to move correctly and exercise without re-damaging my back.  I kinda am and am not looking forward to it at the same time.

When my back is better, the boyfriend and I want to repaint the old roommate's bedroom and bathroom and fix up the rest of the house.  Wenesday we drove through the neighborhood we'd like to live in seeing where the houses in our price range are.  I'm so excited for that.

This is a long one...

(That's what she said... maybe?)

So many things are going on and running through my mind right now!  All good things!

Health-wise, I'm doing pretty great!  My sciatic pain comes once every so often, but it's very minimal and doesn't last long.  The doctor said that's normal and will get better with time.  The incision still gets a little sore but that's getting better too.  The middle part of my back is causing a little trouble now, but I guess it's having to work a little harder since I'm trying my best not to use the lower part much.

I'm scheduled to go back to work this coming Wednesday and I'm really nervous.  I've been relatively inactive during my recovery and get worn out pretty easily.  I'm not supposed to bend or twist or pick up anything heavier than a chunky chihuahua.  All of those are kinda part of the job, but I'm going to be pretty adamant that I'll be staying at the desk for a while.  At work I've always done what's needed and disregarded the pain.  Not anymore.  I've finally learned that my physical well being is more important than the job.  On a side note, I just realized that today marks three years since I've been back there.  Wow.

These past couple of weeks I've mainly been a housewife, and I've actually really loved it.  If I could make the little online job I've been doing since out of work pay the bills I totally would.  This whole time I've only made about a hundred bucks at it.  Oh well, every little bit helps.

I received the scariest doctor bill I've ever gotten in my life yesterday.  Over $19,000.  Luckily insurance is paying for that.  I can't even imagine the amount of freaking out I'd be doing right now if not for the insurance I got just two months ago.  In total, I think all of this would have ended up around $27,000 when all said and done.  Geez.

Other news on the home front.  Huge freakin fantastic news!  The boyfriend and I are now on the fast track!  He's ready to get married and start a family!!  I told him I'm due to get a refill on my birth control next week, and he said he thought I should stop taking it.  I told him my back needs to get better before we get pregnant, and these next few months will be for my body to get back to ovulating.  We even started discussing baby names, which blew me away!  Eeeek!

I then asked his opinion on getting engaged in the next couple of months, and he was cool with it!  He still can't afford a ring yet, and lately we've been pondering putting the diamond from my old engagement ring in a new setting.  It was actually my grandmother's, and she left it to me when she passed away.  I've been trying to sell it since the divorce because I didn't think I'd want to wear it again, but had no buyers.  I've come to realize that I don't associate it with my ex anymore.  I look at it and think of my grandmother and realize that I truly don't want to part with it, no matter how much the money from it could help.

So, in true girl fashion, here are some of the settings I've been looking at...  Picture a beautiful round champagne colored diamond in them.

Gorgeous!  All of them!  And actually in our price range.  :)

And last, but definitely not least, we've started pre-gaming for house hunting!  The bf has been spending a lot of time online looking at houses.  We contacted a realtor who will be on the lookout for us.  We've started talking about the minor renovations we need to do to the house before we put it on the market.  We're also paying close attention to a house in our little nook that went up for sale about a month ago.  It's the exact same floor plan and square footage as ours, but they're asking $20,000 more than what I bought this one for!  We're very interested to see how long it'll be on the market and what it will actually sell for.

So that's the update on all that.  I'm pretty excited about everything right now.  Except work... really don't wanna go back, haha!

My Heart is Aflutter

The boyfriend said many sweet things yesterday that made me fall in love with him all over again.

I know he can't afford an engagement ring yet and I've been suggesting a very real looking fake ring for the past couple of months.  He hates the idea and has not entertained the thought one bit.  We were talking about all sorts of things yesterday and we got to joking about that.  I said, "Forty bucks and you're done!  What's the problem??"  And he immediately said back, "BECAUSE YOU MEAN MORE TO ME THAN THAT!"  Aaah!  I melted.  It was so sweet.

Later we were talking about my birth control, and he said, "Why don't you just stop taking it?  I'll put a little one in there for ya," as he rubbed my stomach!  Aaah!!  Killed me!  In all seriousness though, he did say he'd be fine with us starting to TTC now in case we have trouble with it.  I said I wanted to get through this possible back surgery fiasco and then go from there.

Then he totally surprised me with this next one.  When we got back together we compromised and decided that we would stay here for us to have a child, then move out towards Western NC when it was a few years old.  He hates this area, but my family and support system are here, so we agreed that plan worked for us both.  Well... yesterday he said absolutely out of no where that he'd be fine staying here if we could find another house that he'd be more comfortable in.  One with neighbors that aren't as close to us, one with a garage and a huge back yard for the dogs.  One possibly on the water.  Something we could really settle down and grow old in.  AAAH!  Craziness!!  Never ever ever did I think he'd want that.  He said he's really been thinking about it though, and it would just be such a hassle to pack up everything, move across the state, find a new place and new jobs.

I just don't know what to think about all this wonderfulness!

Welcome, ICLWers!

Hi there!  This is my first time participating in International Comment Leaving Week, so I thought I would introduce myself!  I'm Amethyst, am 31 and live in North Carolina.  I started this blog back in 2010 when my ex-husband and I were trying to conceive our first.  Well, that never happened.  I was diagnosed with endometriosis about nine months in, and he ended our marriage six months after that.  I didn't see it coming and was devastated for a long time.

Since then I've been working on getting my life back on track.  I've been at my current job for around twelve years, minus about a year and a half when the ex and I had moved away.  I bought a house this past summer, and right now it's just me, my catahoula pup and spaz cat in it.  I've been dating a wonderful man going on two years now, and we're about to get engaged.  Hopefully we'll be getting married later this year and will start TTC (what I call my two pink lines trek) soon after.  All I've wanted my entire life is to have children.  We'll see.

I was diagnosed with endo at the age of 27 when it was found in my pachingo (vagina).  My gyno found a cyst behind my cervix during a yearly exam which she cut out (ouch!) and sent off.  The biopsy came back positive as endo, and I'm pretty sure I've had it since I was around twelve or so.  I've never had laparoscopic surgery due to lack of insurance and finances and I wonder every day about the status of my insides.  The past couple of years most of my pain has been manageable with what I consider my miracle birth control.  A few months ago the daily pain started creeping back in, and it seems my miracle drug isn't working as well as it used to.

Last week I attended the Million Woman March for Endometriosis in Washington, DC.  It was pretty fantastic.  The ten weeks before it I participated in a bloggers uniting thing with new "assignments" each week.  All of those posts are located here, if you're interested.

This blog is oftentimes like a teenage girl's diary... it's where I come to vent and work through thoughts and emotions.  It's my private place that no one "in real life" knows about.  Sometimes just coming here helps so much, even when what gets written doesn't make any sense.

Please take a look around and comment wherever you'd like.  I look forward to getting to know you!

Of Love and Hope

I just wrote a FutureMe letter.  The first one in a long time.  I couldn't figure out why I hadn't really wanted to write any for a long while until the other day.  I got one from a much younger and naive version of myself.  She was happily married and had just started trying to get pregnant.  She was hopeful and spouted out all the cliche "it'll happen when it's meant to" and "there's always adoption if it doesn't".  What the hell was I thinking??  I hate when people say that to me now, haha.

I've gotten a few like that recently.  I wrote a lot of them back when I was married and so happy, spitting out positivity left and right.  No reason not to back then, but I won't lie... even today they're still a little hard to read.  I think I've been scared to write about how happy I am now and potentially cause pain to my future self should things with the boyfriend not work out.  Because as I've learned the hard way, no matter how certain you may think you are of something, it can all change very quickly.

We've been on and off for almost two years, and he's now the most important part of my life.  He and I actually had a big misunderstanding this past weekend, and for a few hours I thought we might be over.  Those hours of anger and disbelief absolutely killed me.  I did not want to imagine a life without him, but that was all I could think about.  I was so scared that I was going to have to go through all that hurt again.

So, I'm very happy to report that our misunderstanding was actually just that and not based on any kind of truth whatsoever.  We got through it very quickly once we were actually able to address the supposed issue, and once again we came out on the other side stronger and happier.  I love when that happens!

Over the past few weeks, we've been seriously thinking about and starting to plan our immediate (well, later this year) future.  He'll be moving back in with me this summer, which is when he hopefully will officially propose.  We're planning on getting married in late fall and taking a fabulous honeymoon to somewhere tropical.  And sometime after that should be the resurrection of what I call the two pink lines trek!  I haven't looked forward to anything this much in a very long time.  What a fantastic year this should be.

I'm so freakin excited!