Appropriate

Back in high school I was somewhat into astrology.  My interest waned not long after I graduated, and I stopped regularly reading my horoscope for a long time.  About a year ago I heard about Real Detroit Weekly's.  I'm not sure if I actually believe in it, but theirs seems to be strangely in tune with and appropriate for whatever is going on in my life a good portion of the time.  I just read this this evening...

"You wanted this. Now it's your job to figure out how to deal with the choices you've made. Living with the consequences of our actions requires us to own up to both our mistakes and our selves. You may not be clear enough about who you are and what you're doing to take this on at the moment – but if you're willing to take it one step at a time you'll be able to find enough of yourself in it to make it worth continuing. For the time being try to live with this plan of yours. The proof is in the pudding; if it's working the evidence will be right there in front of you." - Real Detroit Weekly

Exactly what I needed to hear.

Jumbled Nerves

My stomach has been in knots for days now.  Tomorrow I close on my house and Saturday I move.  My head and heart are battling it out again, one trying to convince me not to let go of the boyfriend, and the other trying to remind me how hard a lot of this past year has been.  I keep thinking that if I were to try harder things could be better.  I keep wondering if I'm making a big mistake and if he really could be the one for me.  I know I haven't been completely happy with him, but will I be able to find anyone to make me the kind of happy I want to be?  Is he as close as I'll ever get?

Fuck.  I don't even know if he wants kids anymore.  I don't know if he'd be happy staying in this area.  I don't even know if he's really happy in the relationship.  I just know I'm scared.  I'm absolutely terrified.  I hate this feeling.  

It's so weird how we've been acting like business as usual between us and will right up until I move out.  Not that I wanted us to go into the friend zone before I moved, cause that would have been even weirder.  It's just a weird situation all around.

I've just got to make it through these next few days.  I know there's going to be a ton of tears and I'm not even gonna try to hold them back.  They're going to happen. But then they'll clear (hopefully), and I'll be able to get some perspective and go from there.  

I hate feeling weak like this.  I hate being scared to be single again.  I can't even be as truly ecstatic about my house as I want to be because I'm so busy freaking out about leaving the boyfriend.  Why do I make things so hard for myself?  Why can't I just accept that we tried, it didn't work and now we're moving on?

Because I do love him.

Fuck. 

Splurging

That's what I've been doing lately.  The month of May brings three paydays which means a little extra cash, and I've been using that for some new things for the house.  It sounds materialistic and stupid, but I'm so freakin excited about all this new stuff.  The thing is, I never buy new stuff anymore.  I have one pair of jeans and maybe three shirts right now.  I'm in my work scrubs (which I haven't bought new ones in well over a year) almost all the time and only put on real clothes maybe once a week, if that, and can never seem to justify new clothes shopping.  Anytime I want anything new I usually talk myself out of it because I don't really need it and I could put the money towards debt.

But I've allowed myself to buy some new things for the house.  Most of them really are practical things that I'll need, but feel exciting because they're brand spanking new.  Things like a new coffee maker, a mattress cover and a weed whacker.  And some pretty shower curtain hooks and a beautiful, expensive looking (even though it really wasn't) soft, linen shower curtain liner.  And a wireless router.  Boring stuff, but I can't wait to break them out of their packages and set them up in the new place.

Two big things I did buy just because I wanted them though.  The first is a pair of bar stools for the soon-to-be-mine breakfast bar...

The second is a beautiful comforter set that I've been eying for a year and a half but could never let myself get before now...

Everything was bought online and has arrived except the second beauty, which is expected today.

My wonderful mother actually bought me something new too...

A brand new couch!  It's not the prettiest thing, as it looks like it's been sitting as a floor model for quite awhile, but it was 75% off and matches a chair I've already got.  I haven't had a couch of my own for a long time and am very excited to have some actual seating options in the new place!

New stuff for a new house and hopefully a new start once more.  It's gonna be good.

A Week of Lasts

Yesterday was an awesome day.  It was the last day off the bf and I will have together before going our separate ways.  We hung out, we played games, we grilled and drank and talked.  We got along really well the entire time, and even he said he wanted the evening to be longer so we'd have more time together.  I'm very sad now, even though I know it's for the best.  He asked me yesterday if I still wanted us to be friends, and I said yes because I really do.  Overall he's a pretty decent guy, it's just some of our core values are very different which is not conducive to a life long happiness together or raising children.  Anyways, we're gonna have puppy play dates and we're still gonna watch Game of Thrones together.  Maybe this will be a good way to ease back into being single, to still hang out a little instead of going cold turkey.

Today is my last day off before closing on the new house.  This was the last morning I'll sleep in here and wake up to the bf's cuddle puppy in my face wanting nothing more than to be loved.  In the new house though maybe my dog will want to sleep on the bed again since it'll be less crowded and maybe I'll get to wake up to him.

Tomorrow night will be the last night I drive home from my weekly dinner with my "sister" and look for lights coming through my front door window to see if the bf is still awake.  Only five more nights of watching basketball with him.  Only five more nights of laying on his chest in bed at night falling asleep to a movie.

I only want to remember the good things about being with him and let go of the bad ones.  I'm all lovey and extra sad about our parting today because we had sex yesterday.  I can't have sex without getting emotionally re-attached all over again.  I'm guessing that's why my "friends with benefits" thing with the guy before him didn't work out so well.  Anyway, whenever we have sex, the next few days we're all lovey and hands on, and that's gonna make this week even harder.  No more sex.  Which sucks because he's freakin amazing.

Moving on... today I must finish packing.  Most everything is already in boxes, but I want to take advantage of this last full day off and get all the rest done too.  Gotta climb up in the attic and drag down all the Christmas stuff.  Go through all the closets and drawers to make sure I haven't overlooked something.  Keep my mind occupied.

Parents, Human and Pet

Both of these stories happened at work this morning.

First, the human parent.  A lady and her two old-enough-to-know-better kids brought their dog in today.  I got all their info and another employee took the dog from them.  While this was happening one kid was talking very loudly and making it hard to understand the mother.  The other got a rather expensive leash off a display and started using it as a jump rope, stepping all over it and getting it filthy.  Even after we were done talking, the lady continued to let her kids be all crazy.  I understand letting them have some independence, explore and be inquisitive, but this was ridiculous.  She just stood there watching the boy get the leash all dirty and the girl running around being all loud.  Didn't say a word to them.  I eventually stepped in, attempting to get the leash from the kid as she asked him over and over to put it down and get in the car.  If I had acted like that as a kid, there would have been some consequences.  

Not long after that, one of our regular clients brought in his wild Boston terrier and thought it would be a good idea to set her on the counter so she could say hello.  I petted her hello and started to get info from him, assuming he would put her back on the floor.  But no.  She freaked the fuck out and kicked everything off the counter.  Business cards went flying in every direction and merchandise hit the floor.  She ended up tearing his thin, older-person skin, causing him to bleed everywhere.  I finally got ahold of her, offered him a tissue and band aid and later had to clean his blood off the counter.  Just lovely.

What is wrong with people?  Why don't some parents teach their kids some manners for when they're in public?  And why do some pet parents think it's okay to put their pets' dirty asses on the counter where people put their hands and write?  Do people not have common sense and courtesy?

Gotta love working with the public.

I don't expect this when I'm not expecting...

You'd think common sense would tell you never to ask a woman you don't really know if she's pregnant.  You'd think a fellow woman would know that better than anyone.  Apparently not.

A normally pretty sweet older lady client came in today and was making conversation.  The first thing out of her mouth:  "Are you expecting?"

Me (playing dumb and really hoping she wasn't asking me what I thought she was):  "Expecting....?"

Her (starting to trip on her British-accented words):  "Uh... oh..."

Me (looking down at my stomach):  "Am I pregnant?  No, do I look it??"

Her (foot in mouth):  "I'm so sorry!  What I mean is... is... you have that look about you."

Me (fake laughing and trying to let her off the hook):  "Oh, do I have that glow?  Am I glowing?  I'll take that part."

Her:  "Oh, yes, that must be it!  I'm so sorry!"

Me (trying not to tear up):  "Oh, it's okay."

Come on.  Shouldn't she know better?  Shouldn't anyone know better?  I mean, I know she doesn't know any of my past or that it would be a painful question, but knowing how sensitive women in general can be about their weight and being a woman herself... shouldn't she have known better?!

I guess I really do need to hit the gym more often.  Hint taken. 

Party Gals Party

aka Sex Toy Party

I went to my first one yesterday evening after work.  My boss actually put it together when she found out two of our fellow employees had never used a battery-operated toy.  Everyone from work was invited and it was pretty convenient as it was directly after everyone got off (ha!) and in the back room of the building.  Of course lots of people said they would come but they chickened out.  Only four of us from work showed, but several of our non-employee friends attended.  I think there were seven of us all together.  Small, but it led to some interesting conversations.

There were lots of toys to play with and several that I have owned in the past.  I used to have a lot of toys, but got rid of them awhile after I got married.  When I got divorced I got a glass one that I didn't particularly care for and another vibrator that has been less than stellar.  So, I picked myself up a new one yesterday... a style that I have not tried before and am looking forward to devirginizing.  Is it weird to say you're going to devirginize a toy?  Oh well.

We tasted a lot of edible potions which I was not a big fan of.  I'd never tried anything flavored before and I probably won't again anytime soon.  There were some oils and pheromone sprays that smelled pretty good, but I don't plan on using anything like that for awhile, so I decided to put my money towards the fun for me item.

Unless someone magnificent comes along out of the blue, I don't plan on actively pursuing anyone new for awhile after I move.  I feel like I need to be on my own for a bit and figure out who I am on my own again.  Learn to let go of some of the bad dating habits I've developed this past year so I can be fair to the next fella who comes along somewhere down the line.

And for that I'll need my new toy.  ;)

Three Weeks

Exactly three weeks from this very moment I will be sipping coffee on the first morning in my new house.  I will have closed on it two days before, moved in to it the day before and will be starting to settle in my home.  All that being said, I really should start packing.

This will be the seventh move I've made in the past five years and hopefully the last one for a very long time.  I've moved so much I think I've gotten the whole packing thing down to a science and don't really stress about it too much.  Thus, I tend to procrastinate.

Maybe I'll get a start today and get a good amount done.  Maybe it'll help to take my mind off the day.

Guilty Conscience

I think one of the worst feelings is guilt.  When you know you've done something wrong and there's nothing you can do to take it back.  I hate that feeling.  I hate knowing I've caused someone else pain.  Even if it seemed okay under the circumstances at the time, it wasn't.  And I knew it.  And I feel terrible.

It happened well over a year ago and I had come to terms with it.  I had mostly allowed myself to actually forgive myself, knowing I would never do it again.  And I haven't since then.  But new light was shed upon the old situation today, and my mind went right back there.  Right back to when I did wrong and now I feel like shit for it all over again.  I feel like a terrible person.  I feel like karma's a bitch, and I deserve every bad thing that's happened since then.

Maybe I do.

Nothing like that will ever happen again.  The best thing I can do is enforce that and try to make the right choices in each tricky situation.  I don't want to feel like this again.

♪ Lovin' Touchin' Squeezin' ♫

There's something I've been wondering lately.   As much as I've gone on about needing touch and affection, am I going to be able to find a guy that feels the same?  I'm 30 now and will probably be dating someone also in their 30s.  In early and even mid-20s that desire to be close, to cuddle and all that jazz is usually still there.  Has that "novelty" worn off for older guys?  Do they grow out of it or do some still want that closeness?  Is it just a coincidence that the last two guys I've dated happened to both be anti-affection or is it most older guys?

I decided to do some research.  I inquired about a couple of my best friends' significant others.  One is 33, never married with no kids and has been dating my friend for two and a half years. The other is 29, married to my friend for five years, one kid together and another on the way.  According to both friends their fellas are very affectionate and always have been.  They offer it freely and not only when my friends initiate.

I also asked a couple of my guy friends about their affection habits and thoughts on the subject.  One is 30, never married with no kids.  The other is 30, married for 7-8 years with one kid.  Both are totally affectionate with their significant others.  They like hugging, kissing, cuddling and just general touching.  They like their ladies to feel safe and loved.

(Both also said they couldn't imagine someone not wanting to hold on and cuddle close with a pretty little thing like me, haha. :)  Totally their words, and I'll take em!)

So maybe it is just a fluke that I've wound up with unaffectionate guys these past couple of years.  Maybe I can still find one who will want to show me a little lovin unbegrudgingly.  I sure am tired of fighting nonstop just to get a hug.

Less than a month...

It figures now that we're splitting up in a few weeks we finally start really talking. We've been getting along better lately, and I've gotten the guts to call him out on some of his crap. Turns out that's "just his personality", which I've always kinda known I suppose. I think that because he's not very affectionate I've taken it as that he didn't care. Maybe because I love touching and showing affection, I just don't get it when guys don't reciprocate and I've taken his "crap" too personally.

There are other things about him (and me) and differences in our beliefs that make us incompatible, but I am going to miss him. I'm already kinda sad about leaving him soon. I actually keep tearing up when I think about it (great... crying over two boys now!). I'm sure it's just because I've gotten comfortable with our routine and have mostly enjoyed living with him. And I'm scared of the upcoming change and being alone again. But still, I hope he and I can remain friendly. We have been talking about getting together for puppy playdates.

I really wish we could have worked out. Part of my brain keeps trying to convince me that we still could, but that's got to be my fear talking. He doesn't want to stay around this part of the country, but I do. He's not affectionate, and I really need that to feel secure in a relationship. And other quirks that make us just not mesh completely together. And that's too bad because we really do get along well most of the time. But just getting along isn't enough for a life long relationship. And I really do need the closeness and intimacy (physical and emotional) to feel fulfilled.

Even though we're not right for each other, I'm really going to miss him. My heart aches right now, but what else is new? Does it ever get any easier?

I'm tired of crying...

So, I've been going back and forth with a guy for two weeks now about my old engagement ring. The ring which the money from could really help. He really wanted it and we were supposed to meet tomorrow.

He doesn't want it anymore. Oh, it's a beautiful ring and all, but according to his future mother in law and numerous girl friends, it's not right for an engagement ring.

Anyways, all that disappointment this morning, then I realized what day it is...

Today would have been our five year anniversary.

Just. Flippin. Awesome.

House Inspection

It went very well!  The inspector was awesome and very thorough.  He pointed things out as he went along, and I learned quite a bit along the way.  There were a few little things that will need attention, but nothing major.  Going to ask the sellers to have a few of them repaired, mainly the things with the roof and in the attic, but a few of the others as well.  If they don't do the little stuff, it's no biggie.  A lot is mainly cosmetic.

Found out the heat pump was just replaced a few years ago, so that's one less thing to be worrying about in the near future.  The big appliances all work well.  The garbage disposal does not work, but that's not a big deal.  The structure is good, the big stuff is good.  Those are the main things I was hoping for.  The house is fairly new, and I wasn't anticipating much to be wrong.  So happy I was right!

I've got an appointment to set up the insurance next week, and we close in a month.  The current house is still filling with boxes waiting to be packed.  They've pretty much taken over the dining room.  I'll start packing one of these days.  The bf has packed a few things, and it's actually kinda sad to see them gone.  We're actually splitting up in a month.  I will miss him, but it's time to move on.