Sunday, June 30, 2013


The past few days have been pretty okay.  The drama at work lightened up a little Friday, mostly because one of the main drama-makers was off, and I jokingly threatened everyone else who was working that they'd better be in a good mood.  Boss-lady was off too, so that kinda helped.  She's been grouchy lately and has had everyone on edge.

Got a call from the ex-hubs Friday evening.  It was the first time hearing his voice in almost a year, which was nice.  I thought for sure I'd bawl my eyes out after the call, but I held it together.  Later that night I got a text from a friend of ours who was visiting him, and he said that they both missed me.  That one almost got me, but I stayed strong.  I didn't dwell on either and they actually kind of seemed like no big deal.  I'm sorta proud of myself.

Yesterday I went over to the old house and cleaned the carpets.  I first had to pick up the cleaning machine from the grocery store, and I'm sure they thought I was a hot mess.  I had just woken up from a nap and was still exhausted.  I was fuzzy and thinking and reacting very slowly.  I'm sure I seemed high as fuck to the customer service guy.  I wheeled the thing out to my car and was about to take advantage of the empty spot next to me to load it into the back seat.  But no.  Someone decided to pull into it, and I had to alter my course quickly, leading me to run the thing into my foot, which somehow sent the dirty water tank flying.  Luckily it didn't hit any cars.  So I had to grab that, put it back on, maneuver the machine into the narrow space between my car and the next, and get it into the back seat without scraping the other car.  All the while the wind was whipping around me, and my hair was swirling all over my face so I couldn't see that well.  What an unnecessarily complicated process.  To top it off, the lady that had pulled in and witnessed this entire thing got out of her car and kinda smiled at me like, "Ah, that sucks."  Thanks, lady.

Anyways, finally made it to the house and got started.  The ex arrived home when I was about halfway through and helped out.  Then we had one of our normal post-breakup evenings.  As always, it was very nice.  The plan for today is to go back and finish cleaning after he's got all his stuff out.  And if the cable's all hooked up at his new place by tonight, we're planning on watching the season premiere of Dexter.  I'm not sure I'm ready to let go of that man, and I'm not sure that's such a bad thing.  But it kinda is.  *sigh*

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

One More Thing

I had a mini-meltdown today.  My roommate came home and told me that her sister wants to move down to this area.  She asked me what I thought about her sister and her baby taking her room, and her moving upstairs to the loft.  Actually she totally left out the baby part during the asking, and I had to confirm that this was the sister that just had a baby.

We haven't even been here four weeks, and she asked me if her sister and her baby could move in with us.  What the fuck??

It would only be temporary, but how temporary?  She said the three of them would eventually find a place to live together.  She had reassured me several times before moving in that she would be living with me for a year.  What happened to that??  She said she could arrange for that, and I said I wasn't going to force her to stay here.  Not that I could anyway, but she'd given me her word.

She went to the store after that, and I had to get out of the house.  I ended up going to my old house and hanging out with the dog while the ex-boyfriend was at work.  I just wanted to go home, and that place still feels like it.

I have a difficult time with change, and it's just one thing after another lately.  I'm just looking to find some normalcy again, and I'm having a really hard time with that.

I still don't know how to answer her question.

Kinda Craptastic Things

It's crazy how people from your past can still affect you.  I got a FB message this morning from a guy I went to high school with who kinda made my life hell back then.  He was asking a work-related question, and now I'm thinking he may use the services of my workplace.  And for some reason, that's got me feeling all queasy inside.  I like to leave my past in the past.  I haven't seen him in probably eleven years, and I'd like to keep it that way.  I dunno.  Just weird.

I kinda saw some sea turtles released back into the ocean yesterday.  It was crazy crowded, but cool to kinda see them swimming away.  We got there late, and the best vantage point was from standing in the water a little ways.  My pants got a good bit wet.  As we were walking back to the car, I saw a man go to the farthest picnic table (which really wasn't that far) and totally strip down, dry off and change clothes.  Awkward, but he had a nice ass.  My "sister" drove, and I think we almost died about ten times.  Seriously, she drives crazy, and we almost rear ended people at least seven or eight times, no lie.  We went to a buffet pizza place for dinner, and she had her daughter try a bite of one of the dessert ones thinking she'd like it.  Nope.  That girl cried and screamed like I've never seen her before.  It was rather embarrassing.  She finally got her calmed down, but for some reason thought it would be a good idea to offer it to her again.  And the girl started crying and carrying on all over again.  It was awesome.  I do want kids, right?

I had a plan for today to get my first mortgage payment taken care of.  I went through a different bank than I normally use to get the home loan.  I just learned yesterday (although they said they'd told me with the original paperwork... nope!) that although I set up my mortgage loan through their bank, it had actually been serviced by another one.  The bank I normally use, actually.  I think I would have remembered them telling me that, but oh well.  I had been planning to go into my bank today to get an auto draft set up so I wouldn't have to deal with mailing checks, but I logged into my online account this morning and found my mortgage info sitting right there with a nice little "Make Payment" button.  So, there went my need to go into the bank and my plans to go grocery shopping afterward.  Now, on this lovely day off, I don't need to go anywhere.  I kinda do need food, but I'm content surviving off what little is here for the day and going shopping after work tomorrow.  Imma be a bum today.

I've been thinking more about the online dating thing, and I'm still not sure if I want to try it yet.  I created this little gem this morning...

I'd always wanted to attempt to make one, and figured I'd give it a shot.  It's funny, but it's also kinda not.  I'm 30, have no idea if I'll be able to get pregnant or not and really don't want to sort through all the BS that is dating.  Can't I just put it all out there and reel in a winner?  I don't think it works like that.

Once again I'm rethinking things with the ex-boyfriend.  We had dinner at his (our) place Monday night and watched a movie while cuddling on the couch.  Seriously, if he had given me half as much attention as he does now, I could have overlooked a ton of our other issues when we were together.  That's the kind of affection I need on a regular basis to feel secure.  If I feel loved by a guy, the other stuff doesn't seem as bad.  But are his other things that bad?  Would I want to have a lifelong partner like him even if he did give me that affection?  Ugh!  He's moving out this weekend, and I'm going over there Saturday evening to clean the carpets and whatever else needs to be done.  We've both pretty much implied that we want to have sex that night.  I think we've got to stop that if I have any chance of wanting to start to date again.  Do I want to let him go?

Sunday, June 23, 2013


Elementary school crisis.  That's what I'm in.  It's childish and ridiculous.

But, it's not.

It was hurtful, even though it was done with supposedly good intentions.  Ready for this one?

One of my very best friends in the whole world, possibly the best one, the one who is my awesomest roommate, the one who is my person and the female who gets me... didn't invite me to her birthday party.

She is all about FB and set up an event page for her big 30 extravaganza and made the decision not to invite me.  She didn't even tell me about it.  I saw the event on my news feed right after she set it up.  I figured maybe it would only allow her to invite a few people at a time, and I was going to be on her second passing, or maybe she had just accidentally passed over my name.  About fifteen minutes or so later I kinda jokingly asked, "So I'm not invited to your birthday party, huh?"  She came downstairs and said with an uh-oh-I-may-have-screwed-up tone in her voice, "You can come if you want."

Knowing then it was no mistake I just kinda said, "Ok" and made a weird face.  She then went on to say it was because she didn't think I would come because it was occurring an hour away with no one that I would know.  Because she knows I don't like big crowds or situations like that.  Because she figured we'd have a smaller, lower key celebration another time.  Nice of her, right?

I'm one of her best friends and she should have invited me whether she thought I would come or not.  I would never do something like that to her.

Plain and simple.

We ended up talking for a bit and she did apologize.  I was kinda worked up with hurt emotions and went and embarrassed the hell out of myself saying how jealous I am of her and her life with all her new friends.  Why the fuck did I find that necessary?

(Side story:  She and her boyfriend just decided last night to take a break [although she's pretty sure they're going to be totally broken up] because they are so different now.  The past few days she's said how he's set in his routine and doesn't like to go anywhere or do anything new and that's so not her.  She's also said how she stopped inviting him to do things because he always says no... sound familiar?)

I went and said that I'm scared she and I have nothing in common anymore and how every time she's described her boyfriend she's also been describing me.  How I knew that I hadn't been as interesting or as much fun to be around lately.  As it all came out it sounded like I was comparing our relationship to her and her boyfriend's, and I just felt idiotic.

I felt the same jealousy that I did when the husband went out and got new friends and didn't want to invite me along anymore.  Maybe I was channeling back to how much that hurt, I don't know.  But I felt stupid.

Anyways, I ended up apologizing for acting so stupid and said how embarrassed I was at all I had just said.  She went on to say how it was always me that she knew she had always been able to count on, even more so than her boyfriend.  When she needed to talk or just be around someone who let her be when they knew she didn't want to talk, she had always come to me.  Trying to reassure me or something, I don't know.

After our weird chat, we resumed our previous plans of watching a movie and ate some dinner afterward.  Now she's out for a drive looking for the super moon somewhere in our cloudy, post-storm sky.  It's kinda weird between us now.  It really has been since she moved in, but I figured it was just me in my depressive state not being as enthusiastic as I used to be with talking to her and going out and stuff.

I hate that that's people's perception of me and that they think I should be sheltered like that.  I hated it when I was a 20-something virgin and friends tried to shelter me from all the sex talk and would quiet down when I walked into the room.  Maybe I was channeling the hurt from that too.

I hate being me sometimes.  I really can't take it anymore.

♪ To be young and dumb and in love ♫

The past few days I've found myself looking at dating websites.  Not actually looking for someone to really date right now, just perusing to see what's out there I guess.  Testing my own waters (that sounds dirty) to see if I'm feelin it (getting back into dating) or not.  Sometimes I'm like YEAH!, let's do this.  That's usually my horny side talking.  Other times I'm like, nah, I'm probably not ready yet.  Then I think about the last time I tried the online dating thing.  It really sucked.  I went out with four guys, I believe.  Four first dates that were bad and never turned into any second ones.  It take that back... two that sucked, two that were kinda nice, but the guy never called again.  Yeah, I'm starting to dread it again.

(I've pretty much given up hope of ever actually meeting a guy out in the real world and getting asked out, FYI.)

Part of it is definitely my fault.  I'm not a good conversationalist with people I've just met, so I'm probably the common denominator on the bad first dates.  And it sucks to know that.  It's probably just gotten worse in the past couple of years too.  I'm not that interesting.  I don't have any funny stories to tell.  I don't really do anything for fun.  What a catch I am.

I miss my life with my husband.  I miss how simple it was in the beginning.  We got along, had a good time without trying.  We just got it.  I miss that feeling of just absolutely knowing it's right and that it'll all work out because all we really need is each other.  I miss that naivete.  I wonder if I'll ever find that with someone again.

I hate this.  I hate that I'm happiest when I'm in a loving relationship.  Well, not really, but I do hate that I can't find some other happiness when I'm not in a loving relationship.  I wish I were outgoing and liked to meet new people and do things.  I wish I wanted to pursue interests for the sake of learning how to do something.  I wish I had more to offer.  I wish I weren't too scared to do something about it.  I wish I weren't so sad all the time.

Friday, June 21, 2013

Random Pics & Adventures in Lawnmowing

Overall it's been a decent week.  Had my car professionally washed and waxed, and now it's all happily shiny and new looking.   Had some work done on the house and now it's all fixed.  There were only a few things left over from the inspection that the sellers didn't want to address.  Nothing big, but some things were kinda important and now they're all done!  Happy house.

And a happy me when I got a rose bush as a housewarming present from a previous neighbor... so sweet!

We had fixins for s'mores at work and had to take a break to make some today.

Yesterday evening I was out mowing my front yard and drew some attention.  See, this is my swirly whirligig lawnmower...

A couple of neighbors came over to look at it, exclaimed that they didn't know they even made those anymore and asked how it worked, haha.  One guy's mower was broken and he asked if he could borrow mine.  The other neighbor informed me after he left that he's a drug dealer and a thief!  That's just awesome.  He seemed very nice though and did return the lawnmower.  He didn't offer to sell me anything and didn't seem to be scoping out my house, so I guess that's a plus.  I am a little more nervous at night now when my roommate is gone 4-5 nights a week.  Nothing's happened these past three weeks though, so I'm pretty sure I'm fine.

Anyways, yesterday I mowed a lot of lawnage.  This is my back yard and I kinda like the fact that it takes all of five minutes to do...

Well, it turns out the previous owners used to split the responsibility with the next-door neighbors of mowing the common area between our two houses.  I initially wasn't going to mow it because I don't use it at all, but then I noticed everyone in the neighborhood mowing different common parts.  So, after five to ten minutes on my front and back lawns, I spent forty minutes picking up pine cones and mowing this...

Yeah, it goes back a ways on the left there.  And I did it all with my swirly whirligig!  Yay!  Not the yard I signed up for, but I'm keeping the peace with the neighbors and I got some extra exercise.  It's gonna suck when it gets really hot though.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Slipping Back...

I hung out with the ex-bf again yesterday.  We kissed.  We cuddled.  We had sex.  We had lunch together today.  It's kinda like we're just dating again, and it's pretty nice.  It's comfortable.  I could see it being really easy to slip back into old patterns.

But I'm not going to let that happen.  Even as things were happening between us yesterday, I knew they weren't right.  But why not take advantage while the door's still open?  At one point he opened his heart up and confessed his love once more.  It was more of a "If you ever need anything or want me to beat someone up" type profession, but there was more underneath it.  I think he really misses me.  I know I miss him.

We talked about how it's been hard getting used to coming home to an empty house.  It's got to be hard on him going home every day to the house we used to share.  He's only there for a couple of more weeks, and I'm wondering what will happen (or stop happening) between us once he's in his new place.

I need to move on.  He does too.  I really hope we both do.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

About A Boy

My life feels like a series of peaks and valleys lately.  The past few weeks (and maybe couple of months) have been an unpleasant cycle of many ups and downs.  Friday morning I was still down from the day before, but my spirits seemed to lift by closing time.  Yesterday was good, as was last night.  I've had the house to myself this weekend, and it's been nice to have a little quiet time.

I have been talking to a boy this weekend, and I'm hoping that's not the only reason I'm feeling better.  I'd like to think I'm picking myself up by the bootstraps, but it is always easier when there's a guy showing interest.  And I swear... this guy could be my guy.  I've known him forever and he's never been anything other than supportive the entire time.  Maybe that's because he's 1,200 miles away and I've haven't actually seen him in ten years.

I've probably mentioned him and our story here before... he's the guy I met online when we were both 12.  Sounds kinda creepy, but it's really not.  We started talking in chat rooms, then emailed all through high school.  We finally actually met when we were 20, but I was a virgin who was pretty terrified of guys, so nothing ever happened.  We stopped talking when we were about 25 which is when I got married.  Then he found me on FB this past December and we caught up on there.  Since the split with the ex-bf, he and I have been texting, but have yet to have that first actual phone conversation.  We used to be able to talk for hours on end.  I kinda miss that.

These past few months I've discovered he seems to be the same sweet, sensitive guy he always was.  He tells me I'm still the pretty girl he met all those years ago and is always offering support if I ever want to talk.  We haven't really gone into any detail over what's happened over the past few years, but he knows I'm now divorced and about the endo.  He's the guy who suggested the pact of getting married if we were both unhitched at 30.  I keep "teasing" that he needs to move here, but I really do wish we lived closer.  I think he and I would really hit it off if given the chance.  How awesome would our story be if he did turn out to be the one?

Thursday, June 13, 2013

It never fails...

Just when I think I'm picking myself up and am doing pretty well for myself, something comes along and reminds me just how much I'm not.

For a few moments I was proud of the progress I've been making and of actually truly believing it was happening.  I was even kind of cocky about it just an hour ago.  I was thinking that since this break up with the now ex-boyfriend, I really haven't thought about the loss of the ex-husband in a little while.  Whenever he's posted things lately, I haven't felt nearly as much pain and regret as I have been for years now (except when it's pictures of him holding babies, which is totally justified, right?).  That's definitely something!  And whenever I've thought of the ex-bf the past couple of days I've actually believed it was for the best and that I will find my prince charming eventually.  All good things and positive steps!  I was even going to brag here with a nice post about finally being over it all.

Until just a few minutes ago when a completely unrelated event occurred.  A simple happening really that shouldn't have affected me the way it did.  Except that it was with the roommate, who in her awesomeness makes me totally jealous of her life.  She came home from a ukelele jam session (yes, you read that right) downtown where she showed off her vocal and musical skills and showed me some video from it.  All I could think the entire time I was watching was how I wish I could have just a tenth of her confidence.  I even remarked how awesome it must feel to have her confidence and talent in every aspect of her life.  And with that I teared up and promptly said goodnight.

Literally, as I just typed that last sentence, she came in to get her laundry and told a story that kind of epitomizes her life in my eyes right now.  Monday she bailed on me and my sister's dinner for a taco party with her friends.  She texted the host asking if she could bring anything, and he replied condoms.  Duh, what else would you take?  She asked if he wanted any particular kind (colored, flavored), and he named off his choice.  So she got some condoms.  She had every intention of showing up, throwing the box down on the table and proclaiming "I'm here for the taco party!", but some other guy's ten year old son was there, and she didn't think it would be appropriate.  So she just showed the text conversation to the host's girlfriend and they had a chuckle.  She comes home with stories like this every freakin day.  

And the pathetic thing is that I'm totally jealous of her.  She lives her life.  She goes after what she wants.  She has the confidence to do anything in the world and she does it.  How do I get that?  How do I stop being scared of... everything?

Then again, as she was showing me the video and I was admiring her life, I actively thought how just as that is what she wants on a Thursday evening, I just want to curl up with a man I love.  We may be very similar in some ways, but we are very different in others, and I HAVE GOT TO STOP COMPARING MYSELF TO HER.  But that is so hard when she's returning every day with glorious stories of adventures with her many friends while I'm sitting home alone every night in a depression that I keep trying to talk myself out of and once again I'm terrified to walk out the front door.

I really hate myself sometimes.  AND I CAN'T GET MY FUCKING HAPPY PILLS YET.  THIS DELAY IS DRIVING ME CRAZY.  Maybe they'll come through tomorrow.

Such a mess I am.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

More Progress

My current horoscope from Real Detroit Weekly:

"Now that the pressure is off you're beginning to pop back into a reality structure that has as much room for you as it does for everything else. The short form on that would be: you're returning to the place where you have room to breathe. The creative spark has yet to be lit on the flame that lights the way to the next thing. At this point your main task concerns the need to be human. Sunlight, water, and enough earth under your feet to keep you grounded; combine these with the things that give you joy and that's where your heart needs to go for the next two or three weeks." 

Once again, this seems spot on.  Crazy.

The Sunday play date with the ex threw me off for a day or so.  We had a fantastic afternoon... we drank, had dinner, had sex and he was more affectionate than ever before.  I guess the absence made his heart a little fonder.  It was a great time.  Then he got drunk and did the woe-is-me thing.  Somehow we got on the topic of kids, and I asked him flat out about it, but he said he thinks his ship has sailed for that.  He was saying how he's got nothing to offer anyone and will be alone forever.  I honestly didn't know what to say to him, but I felt awful.  I felt after the great afternoon we'd had that maybe we could work it out down the line.  But I keep telling myself that that's probably not the case and that I need to move on.

So I've focused on the house.  I had my sister over Monday evening for my first full home-cooked meal in the new place.  Last night I hung up a towel rack and spackled some walls.  Today I finally hung up my pictures and artwork, which really do make it feel more like I belong here now.  I broke out the lawn mower again and used my new weed eater for the first time this afternoon.  Then I was stupid and started to dig a huge hole in the yard for the pup's new mini septic tank thingy in 90-degree weather.  I kept hitting rocks and roots which made it very difficult.  I lost my shade about halfway down and am now waiting for it to cool off to finish the tiresome digging.

I'm exhausted.  But I finally got Internet today (yay!) and am now taking full advantage of it.  Tonight, the roommie and I are planning on cooking our first dinner together since moving in, but she's currently on the phone with her boyfriend discussing important issues that may determine if they stay together or not.  Awkward.  I hope they work it out but I hope they do it fast.  I'm really hungry.

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Slow Progress

I'm starting to feel a little better I think.  I haven't gotten the happy pills yet, but the roommate has moved in, and that has helped a ton.  I love her.  The house is coming together nicely and it's starting to feel more like home.  I don't dread being in it by myself anymore.  That's a good thing considering the roommate is gone four nights a week.

I saw the ex bf at the old house Wednesday when I was collecting the last of my stuff.  It actually went ok.  We talked over a little lunch, and he kissed me goodbye.  He said he's gonna get the kisses in while he still can.  I was okay with that.  We're having a Game of Thrones and doggie play date tomorrow. We'll see what happens there.

Today marks a full week in the house and also with no Internet.  It's amazing how much you depend on and get used to it, especially when you don't have a television.  It's scheduled for install this Wednesday.  Thank goodness for Internet on phones.  I haven't felt much like reading since moving but I'm hoping to soon, especially with a nice new couch and loft to lounge in.

I'm getting there. 

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

No good title tonight...

Why is it so hard to move on from certain events in life?  Recent events that deep down you know happened for the best.  Ones that happened over a decade ago for no good reason.  Random things that happen every day and are so minute but also somehow seem so significant.  

I'm pitiful, pathetic.  I know it, I feel it.  

I'm going back on the happy pills.  I really hope they help because I can't go on like this for much longer.  I can't stand to be around myself, how can I expect anyone else to want to be?

Goodnight, world.  Please let tomorrow be better.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

What's wrong with me?

I'm all moved in and with the exception of maybe three boxes I'm also all unpacked.  The house is great.  The new stuff looks great in it.  I met several of the neighbors, but the jury's still out on them.

I feel awful.  Everything makes me think of the now ex-boyfriend.  I tear up hourly and I hate it.  I miss him so much.  But do I really miss him or just having him there?  I don't like this living alone thing.  The roommate better move in soon.

My dog is not happy.  He's nervous and doesn't want to leave the bedroom.  I think he misses the ex's dog.  When he's not pacing from anxiety he's laying around all depressed looking.  He doesn't want to play at all.  I took him away from his brother. :(

Have I made the wrong decision?  I keep telling myself to just give it time, but will it help?  It's all I can do not to call him and ask if we can come over.  I want to go home.  But I don't want to string him along through my uncertainty.  That's not fair to him at all.

And it's not my home anymore.  This place doesn't feel like home either yet, so I feel like I don't belong anywhere.  I look around and feel love and hate for it at the same time.  I just keep smoking and drinking hoping they'll make me feel better.  I want to sleep all the time so I don't have to think about it.

All this and it's barely been 36 hours since we said goodbye.

I'm a freakin mess.