Monday, August 30, 2010

*Knock on Wood*

I should totally NOT be writing this because I know I’ll be jinxing myself, but I’m just so excited. There has been NO SPOTTING for nine whole days! I am over the moon about this! I have been spotting for freakin ever lately, and now it has stopped. I’m secretly pretending that it’s an indicator of a forthcoming BFP! I know it’s probably not, but I haven’t not spotted for this long in months, so of course my hopes are up. Logically I know it’s most likely because most of the pachingo cyst isn’t there anymore, but I don’t care for logic right now.

Okay body, this is what's
gonna happen!  Visualize...
I AM getting my BFP this month because I don’t want to go on Clomid next month and become even more of a basket case, making the husband not want to do what’s necessary to make a baby.
I AM getting my BFP this month because the roommate heard us creating the little one and I didn’t go through that embarrassment for nothing.

I AM getting my BFP this month because it would figure that we spend a whole bunch of money on an SA to find out his swimmers are all good the same week we find out we’re pregnant. (Stuff like that just seems to happen for us.)

I AM getting my BFP this month because the due date will be about the time we’ll be moving across the country, and it would be totally inconvenient and change all the plans. (I’m okay with that though.)

I AM getting my BFP this month because I said so.

I can talk myself into just about anything.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Desperately Seeking Something

I’m feeling creative today, but I don’t know what to do to put that feeling to good use. I cleaned the house for awhile, but you can only get so creative with that. I want to make something or build something. I tried fixing the lawnmower but couldn’t make it past the air filter as I had no idea what I was doing. So now I’ve turned to writing about the lack of venue for creative release since I can’t come up with anything creative to creatively write about.

For some reason I really want to scrapbook, although I’ve never done that before in my life. I’ve put some photo albums together in the past, but never in a cute memorabilia sort of way. I don’t really have any new pictures of anything anyhow. Just wait til I get knocked up though… there’ll be ultrasound pics, belly pics (maybe)(and definitely covered up if there are), nursery decorating befores and afters (just looked up a bunch of pictures of nurseries and now I want to paint a room we don’t have yet!)(How adorable is that one there!?), and a doctor bill or two thrown in just for laughs. And once the little one actually gets here… watch out! I’ll be unstoppable. Hopefully.
So this one was kind of boring… I’ll do better next time. Promise.

Saturday, August 21, 2010


The Husband and The Roommate ready to
make an ice sculpture at culinary school.  
Faces removed for anonymity...
they'd kill me if they found this.
It’s hard gettin busy makin a baby when you’ve got a roommate. I love him to death and am happy he’s living with us, but it makes it kinda difficult sometimes. He and the husband went to culinary school together and both got a job with the same chef here. So, it made sense that we all live together while we’re all five hundred miles away from home. They work at different restaurants, but their shifts are often at the same time. Every now and then it works out where the husband is home when the roommate is not, and that turns into GO TIME! We usually get some alone time when it’s baby-dancing time, but no such luck this month. BD’ing was put on hold for a week until we got the ok from the doctor. The ok came yesterday, the same day the OPK turned positive, so we missed out on a few prime days.

He was too tired to go at it after work last night, so we decided we’d try in the morning before the roommate woke up. The roommate usually doesn’t get up until 1-2 in the afternoon, so we figured we’d be alright. (They don’t get off work until around 11pm-midnight, so we stay up pretty late.) This morning the husband wakes up and wants coffee and breakfast first, so I oblige. Then he’s finally ready, and we start doin our thang.

We can be quiet, but the bed rattles. The walls are thin. I guess we woke him up.

The Culprit
Eleven o’clock arrives a few minutes after we’re done, and he’s up. He’s never up that early. I was quite embarrassed. He was quiet and avoided eye contact. He knows we’re trying to get pregnant and is excited to be an “uncle”, but we’ve never done anything while he was in the house. I take that back, but he was in the shower that time.
Next time we’re moving it to the concrete floor with the comforter!

Subject: Excited

How awesome is that? I broke down sobbing very loudly when I read this... thank goodness the husband and roommate were both at work. I wanted her to say it so badly yesterday. I was so disheartened after getting off the phone and have been over thinking it all day today. Of all the people in the world, I’ve wanted her to be happy for us. We moved far away and it’s been hard not being able to just drive across town and talk to her. I’ve felt like I disappointed her many times throughout my adult years and I so didn’t want this to be added to the list. I think that’s why I hadn’t told her we’ve been trying to get pregnant until now. I was so scared I’d get the reaction I got yesterday.

I don’t know whether she truly feels this way or she feels she should, but I’m not going to question it. Who am I kidding, of course I am! What mother whose child is closer to thirty than twenty wouldn’t be happy to hear she may have a grandchild soon? I could understand if I were in a bad relationship or married to a guy she couldn’t stand, but I’m not and I’m not, so she’s got to mean it, right? I think I’m over thinking it again. I dropped a bomb on her yesterday and she was surprised, she’s had time to think it over now and is excited. That’s all. That’s what I’m choosing to believe.

Friday, August 20, 2010

" I've heard of it, but never actually seen it..."

That’s what my doctor said to me again when she confirmed I have endo in my pachingo. WooHoo! Go body, showin’ the doctors somethin’ new! It’s like my private lady parts are proving some old wives tale to be true. Doesn’t get any better than that! Haha.

Anyways, that’s the diagnosis. She didn’t really say much more about it. The cyst was pretty much taken care of at the last appointment and shouldn’t be causing any more problems. All the blood work came back normal except for something to do with the thyroid being a tad high, but it’s nothing to be concerned about. She said that for another something-or-other I have better levels than anyone there and that I must eat a lot of spinach. Must be the vegan prenatal because my diet has taken a nose dive here lately! I had a transvaginal (trans-pachingo?) ultrasound which showed a normal sized uterus and multiple follicles getting ready for O time. It also showed a tiny cyst on the other ovary, but she said that was normal for someone my age.

So here’s the plan… since I’m healthy and ovulating regularly, she said the next step is to get my wonderful husband checked out. We get to take a “specimen” to the hospital lab next week to get his swimmers analyzed. If he checks out okay, then it’s onto Clomid for me for a few months. If no preggo eggo by our one-year mark of January then it’s off to Memphis to see a “specialist”. She said he’ll probably want to do a lap to check for endo elsewhere.

Poor husband. The doctor asked if I thought he’d be willing to do the SA, and I knew immediately that he would. We hadn’t talked about it, but he’s so supportive. His face kinda went blank as I told him the “good” news for him, but he said he was fine with it. We do get to try it on our own one more month as “go time” is quickly approaching, so maybe we’ll get lucky and not have to do any of “the plan”!

On a side note, I called my mom and told her all that was going on. She gets mad if I don’t tell her medical stuff going on with me. Anways, I told her the medical side of it first, then dropped the bomb that we’d been trying to get pregnant for a little while. I hoped she’d go crazy with excitement and start squealing and jumping up and down, but that’s not my mom. Instead I got a flat “You think it’s a good time?” in true Mom fashion. She was polite about it and wished us luck, but I could tell she thinks we should wait longer. Oh well… can’t please everyone, especially parents. It’s taken me a long time to accept that and be okay with it, but luckily I am now. Well, I'm trying.

Friday, August 13, 2010

The Long-Awaited Appointment

The wait was extremely long, and I was surrounded by pregnant people in the waiting rooms. Huge bellies, medium bellies, little hints of bellies that will become huge very soon. A lot of them belonged to very young and angry looking teenagers. That made me sad. I got naked and sat in a cold room for another long wait. The doctor eventually came in and was so warm and caring that I didn't mind how long I'd been waiting anymore. I love her! Sooo much better than my first ever gyno who, while standing outside the door yelled in disbelief that I hadn’t had a lady exam before that. Announce it to the whole world and make me even more nervous, why dontcha?! I found out later she was fired for bad bed-side manner.

Anyways, the new wonderful doctor lady found a cyst behind my cervix and said it might be what’s been causing a lot of my problems. She also said it might be endometriosis. I didn’t know endo could be in the pachingo (vagina... totally stole that from Scrubs), but sure, why not. She spread me wide open, poked, prodded and took a biopsy. It wasn’t pleasant. It hurt a lot actually. She kept apologizing for torturing me and decided to hold off on the internal ultrasound for my sake. That might come next week. She said laparoscopy, D&C and some other one I can’t remember are possibilities.

She ordered blood work to check hormones and to rule out infection, and I go back next week to see what it all says. When it was time to have blood drawn I freaked out... not sure why, I've had it done a million times before and been fine. Anyways, they left the door open for that and everyone in the second waiting room got to hear me being a wuss about it all. I could feel the eyes as I walked out. Cherry on top.
This crap is expensive without insurance. Today alone cost… well a lot. Luckily since I was able to pay, excuse me, charge today’s visit in full, twenty percent was knocked off. And that twenty percent was almost two hundred dollars. The lady who checked me out said she didn’t even know how much some of the other stuff costs and she’ll call me when she finds out. That can’t be good.

My amazing husband is wonderful. He said no matter what the cost we’ll take care of it and get me all fixed. My best friend reassured that all would turn out fine, but she added that dreaded “Just don’t stress and it’ll happen.” I know she meant well. I want to call my mom so badly, but I don’t want her to worry, which I know she will. My step-dad’s first wife died from cervical cancer, and I know he’d be a mess until next week too. He’s already in bad enough health, and the added stress wouldn’t be good for him.

Okay, pity party over. Just needed to get that out.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Another One Bites The Dust

Another month gone and no second pink line. Another month full of spotting and painful cramping every. single. day. Another month of questions running through my mind.

I’m so thirsty… how long has it been? Can I pee on this OPK stick yet?

Is this line darker than that one? Well, half of it is, does that count? Why haven’t I gotten those smiley face ones yet?

Did we get our timing right?

How long is this week going to last?!

Hey, I feel kinda queasy… could I maybe, really??

Does that line have any color? Is that a line at all?

Wait, WTH! Why am I spotting again?

Seriously, more cramps?!?

Why do you have to be such a bitch, AF, why?

My doctor’s appointment is next week… finally. When I was making the appointment two months ago the lady didn’t seem too concerned about my spotting and cramping, so I’m guessing they’re only expecting to be seeing me for the yearly routine. I hope they can fix me… I don’t like being broken.