Sunday, April 28, 2013

What's a Soul Mate?

This morning I've found myself repeatedly asking the same question... does it ever get any easier?  Life, love, etc.  Last night I babysat my niece and found a girl I didn't really recognize.  She's about a year and a half old now and has entered the "Mine!" phase.  She kept snatching books out of my hand and then trying to tease me with them.  She threw bath toys at me from out of the tub.  I hadn't really seen her like that before, and it was a little unsettling.  Made me scared to have kids.  Then she turned into the sweetest child and fell asleep on my chest.  I was so happy and sad at the same time.

Yesterday morning a new co-worker and I got to know each other a little better.  We talked about our pasts and eventually she asked why my marriage ended.  I ended up telling that story with welled eyes again.  It never gets easier, and I always tear up.  It still hurts.  She talked about her past relationships and how she's been cheated on multiple times.  She's been married and a Marine wife for six months now, and her husband is set to go off for more training in a couple of months.  She's terrified he's going to be tempted while away, and this relationship will end the same as her others.  I mentioned how I'm scared I'm going to fall hard again for a guy it seems totally right with, then he's going to change his mind and forget his promises.  How do you let go of the fear?  I told her to do her best to trust in the love they share.  Will I ever be able to fully trust a love like that again?

Among many other things, we also talked about being nervous about motherhood.  She has PCOS and is scared she'll have trouble getting pregnant.  She spoke of how she wonders if she'd even be a good mother.  I said how I have the same fears.  I really do wonder sometimes.

When I was at the medical trial place I ended up quitting because the ex and I were going to start trying again.  One lady there pretty much told me that mothers that struggle with depression and the like aren't always the best.  Kinda harsh.  She even said "I'm not saying you'd be a bad mother," although it seemed she was heavily hinting at it.  I'm always scared I would emotionally damage a kid.  Or end up not knowing how to handle him/her and turn them into a "spoiled brat".

Last night I tried to figure out the best way to go about handling my niece's attitude.  I stayed calm.  I told her "No, that's not nice" multiple times and ended up taking away everything she kept trying to throw.  I distracted her with other things and activities, and that seemed to work.  It kinda seemed like a test.  Maybe I could do it.  Maybe I could raise a decent kid.

Babysitting duty wasn't over until after midnight, so I just stayed over.  I came home this morning, and once again the fella acted like he could care less.  He asked how it went and everything, but no greeting hug or kiss.  I ended up watching a movie, and at the end he sat down at the farthest end of the couch and played a game on his phone.  The end of the rom com had a speech about fighting for your soul mate and doing everything in your power to not let them get away.  I remembered telling the ex how I was going to fight for him, and he simply replied that his feelings hadn't changed.  I was scared to fight with him and I guess I gave up.  I guess he wasn't my soul mate.

Are those things real anyway?

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Bullet Points

Got the appraisal back on the house and it's good!  The value is there and the house doesn't need major repairs.  We're now scheduling the actual home inspection, and I'm not anticipating anything huge.

I have a serious potential buyer for my old engagement ring.  It still hurts to sell it, but the money from it would wipe out about 75% of my credit card debt.  I could pay that off much quicker and actually start saving more.

I'm usually off Wednesdays but am picking up a few extra hours today.  We're short staffed right now, and I volunteered.  The extra moo-lah can't hurt.

After work, I'm coming home to soak up some more sun.  The tan is actually coming along pretty well.  I have a free outdoor chaise lounge thing on the way soon too.  No more laying on the brick patio.

Boxes are starting to take over the house.  The bf has started packing a few things, and I'm about to.  It's so weird.  I'm moving out at the beginning of the last month of our lease and he said, "So you'll be out and I'm gonna be stuck with all the cleaning, huh?" after I'd said several times before that I'd be back to clean and that I personally would shampoo all the carpet.  I hate how he does that.

He's been extra standoffish the past few days, although he was sweet this morning and even made extra coffee for me.  I guess he gets in his moods too.  I do care about him, but I am very much looking forward to not worrying about what a man is thinking all the time.  It's exhausting and emotionally draining.

Emotionally, I'm feeling a little better than I was in the last post.  It's crazy how it comes and goes.  I got a voice mail yesterday from the place in Memphis where I did the clinical trials for anti-depressants.  The guy said they're just checking in to see how I'm doing, and I thought that I really don't know how I would answer that.

I'm looking forward to a relaxing summer.  I'll be living with one of my best friends, which will be good.  I'll have plenty of time in my new house to myself since she usually spends 3-4 nights a week with her boyfriend.  I have no real plans but reading, sun soaking, hitting the gym and maybe taking up knitting again.  I have no interest in following patterns, but I do like the act of creating something with my hands.  My plan is to make a bunch of scarves and donate them this winter.

So, yeah.  That's what's going on right now.  Time to get ready for work.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013


So the other day I posted a "gag me with a spoon" reference on FB and my amazingly smart roommate to be figured out it was partially influenced by her lovey dovey post.  She felt bad and I felt bad and tonight we did this whole talk about it but dance around because we don't want to hurt each others' feelings and such thing.  I just messaged her because I can't let stuff go, and I still feel weird simply because, even if only briefly, we made each other feel bad.  We've never had something like that happen between us.  I guess it's only natural, but I don't like it.  Maybe because she's turned into my person and I don't want to lose her. 

I know you're not supposed to compare your life to others', but it really seems like she has it all.  She's confident and outgoing.  She has activities and hobbies she loves and pursues them daily.  She's social and friendly, and everyone loves her.  She loves the man she's with and they plan on spending the rest of their lives together.

I look at her and then I look at myself.  I'm depressed a lot and am too scared to pursue the few interests I'm not even sure I really have.  My social anxiety takes over a lot of my life and I don't know what to do about it.  I lost the man I wanted to spend my life with and can't imagine another one stepping up.  I feel like my life is just a big waste right now.  I feel so pathetic.

I hate feeling like this and don't know what to do to change it.  I feel like I'm sinking and can't get my breath.

This blog is such a teenage girl's diary...

Yesterday kinda sucked.  It was the slowest day at work we've had in quite awhile and there was not much to do.  I cleaned a lot.  The boss lady taught me how to play Pirates Dice... that was pretty fun and would be a fantastic drinking game.

That afternoon I read a FB update that I'd pretty much been expecting, but totally threw me off the rest of the day.  The 18-year-old from the last post who got married a month after dating the guy... yeah, she's pregnant.  They're claiming they didn't know when they got married, but other factors are pointing towards they did.  No judgement, they're happy.  She even told me two years ago that she wanted to be married by 18 and pregnant by 20.  I just worry about her... she's had a really rough life, and I don't think she's worked through all her issues.  I'm hoping her new husband has stopped pursuing that other chick and will be totally committed to her.  But we all know how some men are.

Even though I was expecting this news to be coming soon, it hit me harder than a lot of pregnancy announcements, and I can't quite figure out why.  Maybe because it happened so fast for them.  I mean, they haven't even been together two months yet.  That's crazy fast.  And she's so young.

Again, I'm probably just jealous.  I still haven't gotten out of my funk.  I'm all doom and gloom in my head when I think of my romantic future.  I think I've just gotten used to the humdrumness that is my current relationship and am figuring there's no man who could actually find me attractive anymore.

I think the bf and I have kinda stopped trying to be anything close to romantic.  I take that back... I think he's stopped trying.  We're splitting up in a month and a half and he doesn't see the point anymore.  That's my guess anyway.  He rarely hugs me on his own accord, never kisses me unless I kiss him, never acts happy to see me at the end of the day... then again he hasn't for a really long time, and that's a big chunk of why we don't work.  I need to know that my man actually wants to be with me.  I need it to be obvious and not "Oh, I do love you, I'm just not an affectionate person."  I need an affectionate person.  Maybe I should stop being so affectionate towards him.  Maybe that will make the actual act of splitting up and moving out easier on us both.

I've been scared lately.  I'm scared that I've forgotten how to be and act in a relationship.  I've grown cold and closed off sometimes with the bf, and I'm scared I won't be able to open up for a new one.  I keep telling myself the right guy will love all of me, but in reality, will he?  Will someone be able to look past all the issues and realize I've been hurt and am now very cautious but really want to let my guard down and get close?  Will I be able to work through all those issues and know that it can be different with the right one?

I think it's good that I've been with this guy.  You can learn something from every situation.  I think I've just got to look at it like that and only take away the lessons learned from it.  If it works like that.

I'm still hung up on trying to do that with my failed marriage.  Some things are harder to let go of.  It's been two years, come on!  When will I finally move on from that??

But, now, to look at the positive... I'm off today and am having a nice, lazy morning.  I have plans to lay out in the back yard and soak up some more sun today.  I'm determined to actually have a tan this year.  Awesome roommate is coming over for a pancake dinner tonight since the bf is working late.  I went back to the gym yesterday for the first time in a few weeks and am determined to go more often, once this blister goes away.  Any day now we should be getting the appraisal back on the house, and if it's good, will move forward with the inspection.  I found some awesome bar stools for the house.

Life is good, and I will actually get out of my funk and see that once again.  I will get my head on straight one of these days.

Friday, April 12, 2013

Gag Me With a Spoon

One of my best friends has almost split up with her boyfriend several times in the past few weeks because he didn't want kids.  He has now decided he will for her and she is once again head over heels in love with him and is putting it all over FB.  It makes me want to puke and hide her from my feed.

A few days ago an 18-year-old girl I used to work with married a 20-ish guy with two kids she'd been dating a month.  She's so in love with her instant family, and that's all over FB too.  (I just found out her new husband has been chasing another girl around the churchyard for quite some time now, including while they were dating.  What is wrong with people?!)

All the love songs on the radio at work are pissing me off.  With each sappy one I want to yell out how that's not how it really happens.  I want to throw the radio in the middle of the busy road out front.

I've got no tolerance for sickening romantic bullshit right now.  I don't think I've ever rolled my eyes so much.  I also cuss a lot more now than I used to.

I'm just jealous.  I've been saying for months that I can't wait to be happily in love again.   It really is a wonderful feeling, and I truly miss it.  I've never been happier in my life than when I was in love with my ex-husband.  And maybe when I thought I was falling in love with the current boyfriend.

I've been in such a funk lately.  I've gotta snap out of it and get a better mentality soon.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Pondering life in a car dealership waiting area...

When I was in Raleigh, my friend and I were talking about goals and dreams.  She mentioned how back in high school she had what is now called a bucket list and how she realized she'd already done everything on it.  She was kind of surprised, but I definitely wasn't.  That's exactly who and how she was in her teenage years and early 20s... she went and accomplished anything she set her mind to.  She said she now needs a new list, but she's not sure what to put on it just yet.

That got me thinking about how I've never really had such a list.  Never really wanted one.  I've just kinda be-bopped through life doing stuff here and there that would hopefully guide me towards accomplishing the only real thing I've wanted my entire life... to fall (and stay) in love and have children.  I just want a family.  I asked my friend if that meant I was unambitious.  She replied that that was a huge goal in itself.  I then wondered out loud why the thing you want the most is the hardest to get/accomplish.  She had a simple reply... you'll appreciate it more.  Yes, I know I will.  But is all the shit you gotta go through to get there really necessary?

Is there really a reason for why things happen the way they do?  Or does life just happen to suck sometimes as we search for our happiness?  Is it all about the choices we make? How much of it is the random circumstances we have no control over?

My car is getting a lot of work done right now, and I'm thinking about all this in the waiting room... is that normal?

Monday, April 8, 2013

Vacation Part 3

I had a wonderful day with the boyfriend yesterday.  It was probably the best we've had since not long after we moved in together.  We woke up and made breakfast...

French toast, well done... can't take the soggy stuff!

...and had a nice leisurely morning.  Around lunchtime we went to grab a bite to eat and a couple of beers.  Afterward we took advantage of the beautiful day, walked around downtown and by the waterfront.

Art installation by the water

Beautiful older home downtown

We then did a little shopping and went home to sit outside and play with the dogs.  We drank a few beers and talked as I kicked his ass at some Tiger Woods on the PlayStation.  We took the dogs for an evening stroll, came home, cooked dinner and actually ate at the table instead of in front of the TV... it was nice.  Finished the evening with some Game of Thrones then fell asleep to Star Wars.

Nothing fancy, but it was a wonderful last day of vacation.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Vacation Part 2

I just got back from a heavenly event... my first professional massage.  I got a neck, shoulder and back massage with a scalp enhancement and I feel like I'm still floating.  She worked out so many kinks and knots.  I could get used to that.

Back to the story...  I arrived in Charlotte still feeling a little emotionally raw, which was the perfect state to be in to meet my new "nephew".  He's about 11 weeks old and is amazing.  Apparently the male side of his dad's family have similar faces when they're babies, and he looks a lot like his uncle.  I caught up with his mom, my best friend, while he snoozed and then got to hold him for the first time when he woke up.  He smiled at me.  A lot.  I won't lie, I cried.  Just a few tears, but still.  My very best friend in the whole world's little one... it was amazing.  She is so happy, and motherhood really suits her.  A few of those tears were total jealousy, but I think I played them off.

Her hubby arrived home a while later, and we all went out for dinner (more sushi!... I never get tired of it).  We had a How I Met Your Mother marathon while we chatted and played with the baby that evening.  The next day we made breakfast, went out for errands including Babies R Us (I stayed on the Toys R Us side where I tried on a pink spiky bicycle helmet and totally embarrassed myself in front of one of the employees... my face was bright red!) then out for lunch (chicken and waffles!!) and a few more errands.  It was perfectly boring and I didn't have to think about a thing about life.  I wandered as they shopped and kept the baby entertained in the car.  It sounds dreadfully boring, but I actually enjoyed it.  It was just nice to be out of my routine life.  We got food to cook for dinner and I picked up some...

I love Leinie's but had never had this kind before and figured I'd give it a shot... pretty good and I'm actually drinking another right now!

We finished the evening with a movie and headed to bed.  That night I drifted off to sleep to the wind chimes outside the window and awoke to them the next morning... it was just lovely.  Her hubby was up and out early, leaving us time to really get to talk.  We talked about life and love and high school and regrets and the future.  I miss her.  I started on the five-hour trek home around one and got all my loud and reckless singing in.  It was fantastic!  Even with all the road construction, slower speeds and "One Lane Road Ahead"s.

I arrived home to no boyfriend, but happy to see me pets.  I unpacked and caught up on other emails.  The boyfriend got home from work around nine and didn't show much enthusiasm to see me.  Although he doesn't show much emotion anyway lately, so can't win em all I guess.  We watched the finale to The Walking Dead and headed to bed.

I'm off of work until Monday and am enjoying being home.  The dogs are happily playing and the cat is snoozing in the little bit of sun we have shining through the windows today.  Time for a movie maybe.

Vacation Part 1

I got back from my little vacation yesterday evening.  It was very nice, but also emotional at times.  It started out by heading to Raleigh to meet up for sushi with past/future awesome roommate who happened to be there for the weekend.  We caught up and discussed everything under the sun, as usual.  I then headed to a friend's house to visit and spend the night.  We shopped for wine then went the the very top floor of her work building where she made us delicious coffee.  We sat to chat and watched a storm roll in...

...and then leave behind a beautiful sky once it passed.

We headed back to her place when it got dark to make dinner with her hubby and ended up talking and drinking until midnight.  The next morning she and I went to breakfast and talked more.  There's always a lot to catch up on when you only see each other a few times a year.

Afterward I got in my car and was getting music and such set up for the next stretch of driving to Charlotte.  I always look forward to cranking the music and singing very loudly and badly... that's why I love road trips.  I was just about situated when my phone alerted me to a new email, and I figured I'd check it before I hit the road.  It was from my former father-in-law.  I was pretty shocked because I hadn't heard from him in almost two years and wasn't really sure why he would be contacting me.

Things between he and I ended kinda weird.  I had emailed him when the ex and I were separated to kind of tell my side of things.  I said the ex and I both had our problems, but he was the one to end the relationship while I still wanted to try to work it out.  Apparently that's not what he had heard.  Anyways, I had emailed him back saying if he had anything negative to say that I didn't want to hear it.  I was still hurting and every day was a struggle.  He simply replied that that was fair, so I assumed he'd had some not so great things to say to me.  And that was the last I'd heard from him two years ago.

Against my better judgement I read his new email right then.  In it he said he'd been talking to his wife and discussing their children and prayers.  He wanted me to know that they still include me in their prayers and "still have good feelings" towards me and my parents.  And that he thought I'd like to know that.

Right there in the breakfast diner parking lot, I lost it.  I thought I'd come to terms with his dad and had let him go, but he still affects me apparently.  At first I thought the message was pretty nice, but then I did the girl thing and over analyzed it.  All I could think was, "DAMN RIGHT you better still have good feelings towards me!  It was YOUR SON who gave up, broke his vows and my heart!!"  I kept wondering what it was that the ex actually told his father back then, and it was all I could do not to ask him right then and there.  I actually typed out the message to the ex but ended up deleting it.  I told myself it would do absolutely no good and wouldn't change anything, so there was no point.  I've just got to accept it, come to terms with it and let it go.  I did the best I could do at the time with that situation, and now I've got to drop it.  (After I vent about it here of course.)

I am now with a cooler head choosing to believe that his message really was him trying to reach out with kindness.  At his core, I do believe that's who he is even though we didn't always see eye to eye.  I replied to him later that day with "I appreciate that and hope you and your family are well."

Anyways, the first part of my drive was full of tears and very little singing.  Every song took me right back there, and it's hard to sing and let go of your worries with a cracked voice.  It didn't help that there was road construction going on almost the entire drive... not conducive to any of it.

That was half the journey.  The second half will have to wait because it's time to get ready for my professional massages now!  :)