Sunday, July 31, 2011

Okay... now I explode....


I absolutely HATE the fact that I have to worry about and deal with all the SHIT that goes along with it!! 

I HATE that life is already difficult enough without this STUPID DISEASE making things a thousand times worse!

I HATE that all I ever wanted was a truly loving and intimate relationship with a man (along with having a family with him, but that's a totally different rant!), and that that is probably the hardest thing to get! 


Here we go again...

For me, sex has always been something that makes people go away.  Whether I'm having it with them or not.  If I'm not, then they move on because I'm not.  The one man I have had sex with said he didn't want to because the fact that it hurt me hurt him.  So, damned if I do and damned if I don't?

I'm scared to have sex with someone else.  I'm scared it's going to hurt, and if it does, I'm scared that that fact will scare him away.  Not that there's even a "him" to potentially scare away right now.

I just don't know what to do.  Should I wait until I find someone to really care about and hope it goes well?  Or should I go ahead and find out with someone who it's only a physical thing with so there's no emotional rift between us if it doesn't go well?  Will I eventually find someone who will still want to make love to me even though he knows it hurts me?

Yes, there is pain a lot of the time, but to me it's worth it to be able to be with the one I care about.  The pain is temporary.  The feelings that I'm loved, wanted and desired that I get from sex with someone I care about far outlast the pain.

I know I'm a freakin broken record and keep coming back to this subject.  I wish I could just get it over with and move on already.  I wish I could let myself do that.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Mind Shrinking Over Java

I had another therapy appointment this afternoon, and it was much needed.  Hadn't seen her in about a month, and I think that's just a little too long to go right now.  She splits her time between here and Charlotte and ended up having to give up her office space here, so we met at a coffee shop today.  It was different, but just as effective.  I feel so much better after talking to her.

I've been having a rough time and she gave me a new perspective today.  Some things to think about when I'm getting really down.  Hopefully I can put that into action when the time comes again.  If not, I'll get another reminder when I see her again in a couple of weeks.  I'm going to start associating her with coffee and get really excited about it before too long, haha.

I do love me some coffee.

Monday, July 25, 2011


Am I behind the times technologically too?  Yes, I can be a bit of an internet addict, but I'm one of the few people I know who doesn't access the internet on their phone.  When we were at the ball game, the three friends I went with were constantly checking their email and Facebook accounts.  I think they saw more of those than the actual game.  There was a fireworks display right after, and a couple of minutes into it I looked around at them.  Every single one was watching through the camera lenses on their phones, trying to capture it all instead of actually watching and enjoying it in the moment.  I thought that was kinda sad.

That said, I need a new phone and I'm debating about getting a stupid smart phone.  You know, to be one of the cool kids.  But, I can't really afford an extra data plan right now, and would I use it anyway?  I'm already paying for internet at home... do I really need it on my phone too?  It would be nice to be able to check emails and messages all the time, but are they really so important that they can't wait a few hours until I get home?

Why is a data plan required to buy a stinkin smart phone anyway?  Why can't I have the option to just get it later if I want?  What happens if I buy a non-smart phone, then decide I want internet a few months down the road, but can't get it until I'm eligible for another upgrade or can fork out the big bucks?


**Update... I broke down and got an iPhone this evening... I feel so defeated.  But I needed one that actually worked, so it's okay ;)

Sunday, July 24, 2011

A Decade Late

Last night was relatively tame compared to my past two Saturdays.  I didn't kiss anyone, I didn't get groped or feel anyone else up.  Yet, I kinda wish something had happened.  Is it wrong to want physical interaction with someone of the opposite sex without a commitment?  I keep going back and forth with myself on this topic.  Ideally, I would like the commitment, but I'm not sure I can do that right now.  Emotionally I just don't think I could really open up to someone else just yet.

I waited 24 years to be physically intimate with someone and I feel I've barely tapped into what all it could be.  As ridiculous as it sounds, I want to have my own sexual revolution.  I want to be able to let go, relax and let myself feel okay with it.  So, is it okay to pursue something like that?  Is that something I could let myself do?

I've never really had that mindset.  I've always believed in the "traditional" route.  But that didn't work.  Times changed a long time ago, but I'm still mainly of the old thinking.  Can I try something different and still be true to who I am?  Would I turn into someone who I don't respect, and at what point would that be?

I feel so stupid to be going through this at 28... shouldn't this have happened something like ten or so years ago?

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Take me out to the ball game...

Went to my first baseball game today... minor league.  I pulled for the visiting team because the boys were cuter and warmed up about thirty feet away from us.  I may have swooned a little in my seat.

Who knew you had to get dolled up to go to a freakin baseball game if you're single?  Both my roommate and a coworker demanded I dress nicely because there would be boys and lots of pictures.  When we got there I felt like everyone was staring at me because I was waaay over dressed and looked like I was on the prowl.  It wasn't a good feeling.  I didn't feel like me.

My anxiety kicked in, and I couldn't relax.  I was terrified as I ordered a hot dog, as we walked to our seats and throughout pretty much the whole game.  Then I got sad as I saw all the younger couples with their kids.  I kept thinking how I wished it was me.

Also found out today I look old.  As the four of us were pointed towards our seats, the guy asked if I would be keeping all the younger ones out of trouble.  Yeah...

To end this on a good note though, I made a kick-ass tiramisu for my roommate's birthday.  Never made one before and it rocked.  Go me.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Game Over

I think I'm done with dating for awhile.  If a nice, cute guy wants to approach me, hey, I'm not stopping him.  But I'm done actively seeking out one of them for the time being, cause it's just not working for me.  I'm 0-6 right now.  It's depressing.

The one guy I can't stop thinking about is a married freakin man-whore who was never a possibility at all.  Why the hell can't I stop going back to thinking about him?  Because he's gorgeous and was the first (and only) man to show me any kind of affection in an extremely long time.  Because he's still finding little ways to talk to me.  Because he's got that smile.  Because he's got those hands.


Wednesday, July 20, 2011

I'm a player...

Talking to two boys at once, oh my!  Yes, we have a Player 6.  Well, I'm still not sure anything's going to happen with Player 5, so I'm not sure I should classify him as a player at all.  It doesn't really matter.

Anyways, Player 6 came up all of sudden today and already has a little piece of my heart.  A sweet Southern gentleman, it seems.  Interesting thing about this guy is that he has the same name as my roommate's boyfriend, which is really not a very common name.  I told her that, and she said it must be destiny, haha.

Please let this go somewhere!!  I'm so tired of first dates.

Monday, July 18, 2011

And now entering the ring...

So, we may have a potential Player 5.  Kinda weird actually... he works on base about a third of a mile down the road from where the husband used to and is from a town way up in Ohio about an hour away from where the husband grew up.  I really don't know what to make of that.  Are those good signs or bad?

There is one bad thing though... this guy is y-o-u-n-g.  Young like I'm embarrassed to say just how young on this anonymous blog.  He's really nice though and (I've lived to regret saying this) seems to be pretty interested.  I'm really not sure if I want to pursue anything with him though because of the age difference.  It might just be too weird.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

So... umm... yeah...

If you saw that last post of mine from early, early this morning, well... moving on...

Have had a great weekend so far!  Painted more of the fishes and whales and such in my friend's nursery yesterday afternoon.  Then had another friend stay over last night, and us with the roommate had a girls' night full of manicures, drinking, talking, and, well... moving on again...

Today had some delicious doughnuts for breakfast and saw the last Harry Potter.  Now I'm home and exhausted, about to take a nap then do some laundry.  Exciting, I know.

Why do I have this one Katy Perry song in my head?

Saturday, July 16, 2011

What happened was...

A week ago today I let someone kiss me who shouldn't have.  Someone who is very much off the market but certainly doesn't act like it.  I knew he was off-limits, but let him kiss me anyway.  Several times.  I was drunk.  I was lonely.  He was gorgeous.  It was hard to say no to the beautiful man trying to seduce me.  It was obvious he hadn't been faithful to his other half for a very long time.  He said they had an "understanding", a relationship of convenience of sorts, but he was drunk too.  I didn't believe him when he said it and I still don't.

He fell asleep on my bed.  I slept in the living room.  I woke up to a text from him asking, "Where are you?"   As the morning progressed he tried putting the moves on again, but I was much more clearheaded.  He was quite persistent and didn't seem to understand why I wouldn't have sex with him.

Ugh.  I still feel guilty, but I know it was a drunken mistake that I've learned from and will not be repeating, so I'm trying to let it go.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Why I woke up exhausted this morning...

We were running with a huge crowd of people through a town, through its buildings and back ways.  I was fine with him for awhile, then got angry and started yelling at him, telling him to go catch up with our friend.  After awhile I didn't see them and was worried that something had gone wrong.  I ran ahead searching for him, and found them in a side room.  Not sure what exactly had happened to him, but he was exhausted and hurting.  Somehow we were next to each other and our friend was in the corner reading.  He started to be affectionate, and I was rather pleased by it, but told him to stop because our friend was right there.  He did and then said that this was our time to talk things out, discuss what we could have done differently and find a peace between us.  We started talking, asking general "weather"-type questions at first.  Then I asked if he was still seeing his girlfriend.  He froze, and a look of "I've got some news" spread across his face.  I asked if she was pregnant.

End scene.

Monday, July 11, 2011

I Got Game

So I thought I'd totally found the sport that I was naturally brilliant at.  Get ready for it...

Ladder Ball!

That's my adorable puppy with the makeshift set my roommate's boyfriend constructed.

I'd played once before and wasn't too bad at it.  I got to play again at our house warming party this weekend and I totally rocked it!  Everyone wanted to be on my team, and I don't think I've felt that since I was the tallest kid in middle school during the basketball segment of phys ed.  I sucked at basketball, but nobody seemed to notice because I was towering above them.

Anyways, I tried getting in a little practice round after work today, and apparently my mad skills only come out after a few beers.  I totally suck when I haven't been drinking.  Completely overthrowing and having numerous ones swirl around the bar a few times only to fall straight to the ground.  Sigh...  I was so ready for a tournament.

Are ladder ball tournaments a real thing?

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Too much alcohol...

...and the stupid things it will make you do.  Well, not make you do, but give you more courage to do.  Things you would never do sober.  Things that go against your personal moral code.  Things that you regret when the buzz wears off.

That said... I did something stupid last night.  Something stupid and wrong.  The absolute worst part is that I knew it was wrong and did it anyway.  Thanks, alcohol.  I debated with myself the entire time, trying to talk myself out of it, but did it anyway.  I feel like such a terrible person now.  It's not so bad compared to what others do, but it goes against what I believe.  I never thought I would be the kind of person to do something like that.

That said... I feel so weak.  I've felt that way for such a long time and just wanted to feel better.  The opportunity presented itself and I took it.  Honestly, I did feel better.  I felt reassured.  Now I feel awful.

Thursday, July 7, 2011


I'm a little nervous for Saturday.  My preggo road-tripping friend is having a baby shower thrown by one of her sisters.  She's the first really close friend to get knocked up since I'd been TTC, and it's been hard to see her belly grow week by week and hear her tales through this surprise pregnancy.  Their family invited me to dinner the other night, and I almost teared up a few times.  I got them under control, but it's got me a little worried about the shower.

Luckily though, I'll have something else for my mind to wander to if it gets to be too much.  Right after the shower is the housewarming party for my roommate and me to break in our new residence!  Friends, food, drinks... it'll be going on all night, and I'm so looking forward to hanging out and unwinding some!

It's been so nice to live with and see a good friend everyday.  We only just met a bit ago, but everything is working out so great and it feels like we've known each other forever.  Same with work kind of... it's like working with friends most of the time.  I'm loving things right now. :)

Monday, July 4, 2011

More Irony part 2

This is the graph of the views of my last post about sex...

Kinda sharp edges, but you get the idea.

More Irony

All day today I've been thinking about sex.  I got EWCM this morning and am supposedly fertile right now, so it makes sense that all I can think about is doing the dirty. 

But, literally two minutes ago it just dawned on me that exactly five years ago today I got dumped by a guy who was confused as to why I didn't want to have sex.  I was still a virgin at that point, and it totally baffled him why I had waited so long to give it up.  I was waiting for that special someone.  I guess I didn't think he was it.

The guy I was with right before I got with the husband dumped me for the same reason, even though we weren't technically dating.  Then he told me the day after the husband and I started officially dating that he wanted more than just sex.  But I didn't see a future with him and had made a commitment to the husband because I could see a future with him and wanted to pursue it.

I don't know why, but right now I just think all of that is kind of funny.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

I Have Internet!

I feel like I'm back amongst the living or something.  I'm one of the very few people left who don't access the interwebz (as my roommate calls it) on their phones.  After a long battle with the wiring in the house, the technician was finally able to get us connected and the new modem resides by the front door.  Whatever works.

The move went pretty smoothly.  It was insanely hot, and I did pretty much all of it by myself, but some wonderful, wonderful coworkers came at the end of the day to help with the really big furniture.  I'd be rolling things down the highway if not for them.

My roommate truly is freakin awesome, and I think I'm in love with her in that new best friend kind of way.  I'm almost totally unpacked and it's starting to feel like home.  My bathroom rocks.

My puppy is taking full advantage of our huuuggge fenced in back yard and has even made friends with the dog next door.  My cat has taken a little longer to come around, but he's finally stopped cussing out the dog and the roommate's cats.  It's progress.

I finally slept halfway decently last night for the first time in weeks.  I think I'm feeling more able to relax a little now.  The new shower head has helped with that too.  You gotta do what you gotta do sometimes.

And on that note... happy fourth... well, tomorrow.