Tuesday, November 30, 2010

I'm In

Into the study that is. I went back last week on the day before Thanksgiving (crazy traffic!), and my drug test came back negative (I was too paranoid to take anything, even cold medicine or ibuprofen, that whole week before), so I’m in. I went back yesterday for my first real study appointment.

I had to fast for it. My appointment was at one, but they didn’t do the physical and everything that goes with it until around three thirty. I’m not one to miss meals often so I was HUNGRY! Afterwards they gave me a tiny bag of chips and a Coke.

The rest of the appointment was rough. I did a phone interview with an automated dude on the other end about suicide. I talked to two very nice ladies, with a third observing, for a couple of hours and had to answer some very personal questions about a lot of aspects of my mental state that I normally wouldn’t ever discuss with anyone. I cried whenever the questions hit on an extra sensitive subject. It was really awkward discussing all these personal things with complete strangers just staring at me. I felt like they were judging me, but I guess that’s their job. It was all really embarrassing.

But it was worth it. I was given study drugs and I started taking them last night. I hope they help. So now I have a standing appointment once a week for a few weeks, then every two weeks until the three month mark when the study is over.

They decided since I’m not a druggie in one sense they can give me drugs of another kind. I just think that’s funny.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

A pity party, a recap, and a plan...

Why do I get so worked up and jealous over other people’s lives and situations? I guess it’s just because they get to have what I want, and for a lot of them it seems to come so easy. Am I ever going to get over it? For the next year or so before we start trying again and however long before we actually do get pregnant, am I going to turn into some crazy sad lady with a ruined day(s) every time I hear someone I know is knocked up? Cause that’s going to be a lot of ruined days if so, and I don’t want that. I want to be genuinely happy for them without the resentment behind it. I’ll have to work on that.

On to happier things now. We had a good Thanksgiving, and I hope you all did too. We stayed home, had a friend over and cooked a huge meal. We got a fresh turkey from a local farm this year, and it was delicious. I made my first completely from scratch pecan pie, and it turned out pretty well. I also made bread, cranberry waldorf, and mozzarella and parmesan mashed potatoes. The husband did the turkey, Brussels sprouts with bacon, gravy, and made cornbread which the roommate turned into dressing. The friend made veggie and goat cheese fritters. I love goat cheese.

My pretty pie
Part of the spread
They guys cooking.  I know it's weird,
but we're going for anonymity here.
The husband is working fourteen hours straight today, so I’m going to fill my time with Christmas decorating (if I can manage to find time during this pity party I’m throwing!). We’d had a little 3-foot fake tree in the past, but we ran out of room in the moving truck this summer, so it got left behind. We decided not to get another one until we’re settled somewhere for the long haul, so I’m just going to string lights up around the rooms and maybe hang some ornaments from those. We’ve still got our pretty wreath to go on the front door, and that’s one of my favorite Christmas things we have.

The husband wants to put lights up (tastefully) on the outside of the house too. None of our parents approved of that kind of thing when we were kids, but we’d both always wanted to, so we decided to go ahead and do it this year now that we're in an actual house. We've been in either a duplex, a townhouse or an apartment every previous Christmas. Wow... since we've been together we've lived in a different place every Christmas. Huh. Anyways, we don’t have a ladder, so it should be interesting.

Happy start to the holidays! This is my favorite time of year. I can't wait to write Christmas cards!

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Sometimes I wish I could see the future...

I’m sad today and scared. I’ve been thinking about the endo a lot lately, and I’m scared of the unknown aspects of it. I’m scared because I don’t know if it’s there (other than in the pachingo) and if it is, how much damage it’s done. I’m scared because it’s going to be a very, very long time before I can get a lap to find out. I’m scared that by then it will have done too much damage for me to have a child naturally. I’m scared I may never get to live out my dream of being a mother. That terrifies me and saddens me horribly.

When I think of the future now, I don’t know how to picture it. In the past I’ve always pictured a big happy family, but now it’s different. All I see is a big unanswered question. I’m not certain that children will be there now, and that absolutely breaks my heart. I feel empty.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

They think I'm a druggie...

I drove to Memphis this afternoon and had the initial evaluation at the clinical trial place, and it went okay. I guess. I arrived to an empty waiting room and was only in there a minute before I was escorted back and briefly interviewed. Apparently they don’t have any social anxiety trials open now, but the lady thought I would be good for one of their depression ones. After the interview I peed in a cup, had my blood pressure taken and was led back into her office. She sat down, looked at my file and said, “Well, your drug test came back positive for opiates and methamphetamine.”

Damn, they got me.

AS IF! All I could think about was freakin poppy seeds, which I haven't had any of. My face went blank and all I could manage to get out was a stammered “What?” as I saw her looking at me trying to figure out if I was lying to her. I told her about the cold I’m just now getting over, and she asked about all the medicines I’ve been taking. Then she disappeared to talk to the lab person again. When she returned she said that the opiates thing was a mistake and that the Nyquil I took could have caused the methamphetamine positive. So I get to go back next week and pee in a cup again. Oh joy.

I feel like this isn’t a great start for me there.

If I do get into the trial, it’s possible I might only get a placebo. That would suck. It was a nice three hour round trip drive though.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010



The only prescription medication I’m on is freakin birth control to keep the endo from getting worse, and it costs a whopping forty bucks a month. Oh my, what a high cost for them. Not that they would even be paying for it because it wouldn’t come anywhere close to the deductible. Geez. I certainly don’t know much about insurance company policies, but come on. I guess I can't really say anything about the endo, not that I could if I wanted to. It's a shame though.

So no luck on that front, but maybe on another. I’ve been wanting to see a psychiatrist for awhile now. Everything just seems to be building up again, and I’m breaking down on a regular basis. It feels hard to get through each day. Remembering the $300+ per session quote from a doctor I called several years ago, I figured I’d just have to talk to a counselor. But I really think that I need some sort of pharmaceutical help too. I’ve been trying to deal with all my crap since high school, with some stuff from way earlier than that playing a part, and I haven’t really been getting anywhere in all these years.

Yesterday I saw a commercial for a place in Memphis that does clinical trials for new medicines. This particular commercial was for depression, and it really felt like a sign. They pay for everything and even reimburse you for travel, which would be nice since I’m an hour and a half away. So I looked them up, and they do trials for all sorts of conditions including social anxiety, which has been my main problem since I was really young. I filled out a form and I have an appointment for an initial evaluation tomorrow. That seemed too easy. I hope it’s legit and that it works out. This would be so awesome if it does. I’m not sure if therapy-type sessions would be included, but if they’re not and I still wanted to talk, I could go to a counselor here that’s about $60 per session. Much more doable.

I’m definitely nervous about potentially taking a medicine that’s not fully approved yet. I was in a trial for Yaz a few years ago to see if it could be used and marketed like Seasonale (four periods a year), and it went really well. Yaz was already FDA approved though, so I felt it would be pretty safe. Apparently it caused a ton of problems based on the commercials I’ve seen lately, but I was always fine on it. It was nice to get a year’s worth of free birth control and regular exams then, and it would be nice to be able to do something similar now too. This one would come with a whole mental and physical exam, the latter I haven’t had since before I was old enough to remember having one.

Wish me luck please.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Happy Birthday Marine Corps!

Happy 235th Birthday to the Marine Corps today and Happy Veterans Day tomorrow to all who have served and are currently serving. The husband was a Marine for five years, and I am very appreciative to him and to everyone in the armed forces for doing what they do. I am proud to be married to a Marine and to know so many fine young service men and women. Thank you for what you do! You are all my heroes! Semper Fi and Oorah!

Monday, November 1, 2010

Things we made this weekend...


Friday we carved up a pretty pumpkin face. Or not so pretty. We wanted to create our own "puking pumpkin", and I think he turned out pretty well. The husband and the roommate each did an eye, and I did the nose and mouth. I definitely got the easy part, as the eyes proved to be quite difficult. We sat him out on the front porch, and apparently he had a little too much fun overnight. We woke up the next morning to a not so pretty sight. I guess he and his pumpkin friends had a little party. Looks like we missed a good time.

Saturday evening I got to baking again. I'd seen some pictures of braided challah bread and wanted to give it a try. The recipe was for two loaves, but I decided to make it one ginormous loaf. I chose a basic recipe for my first attempt, so it didn't have a lot of flavor but it looked beautiful! It rose up so nicely and was perfectly fluffy on the inside. Oh how I love when baking experiments turn out well!

Hope everyone had a Happy Halloween!