Tuesday, June 14, 2016

The End

He did respond not long after with basically a "Sorry, life's been crazy" message... yeah.  So we chatted back and forth for a little while about random things.  Neither of us asked to see the other.  I wanted to ask if he was still interested, but chickened out that night.

Yesterday went by with no message.  Today during my lunch break I grew some balls and sent a very straightforward message asking if he still wanted to go out, and giving him an out by saying I understood if he didn't.  Hours passed.  No reply until just a few minutes ago.

More of the "Life's been crazy" with an added "I don't know what I want right now."  Exactly what I would say if someone I didn't really like called me out on it.

So there's that.

Sunday, June 12, 2016

Mr. Almost Perfect, Part 2

It's possible I'm being ghosted, and it's also possible that he thinks I'm ghosting him.  But I think it's the former.  Last Saturday afternoon I texted him asking if he wanted to hang out that night or Sunday.  He was busy that day, and said maybe Sunday.  Sunday came and he was really not feeling well.  Which I believed because he was kinda sick when we first met the week before.  No worries.

I had suggested an awesome event we were both interested in that was happening Tuesday evening, and he said he'd know better on Monday.  Monday came and he said he was still sick and had a doctor appointment Tuesday afternoon, so he'd let me know.  Tuesday morning the rain changed the details of the awesome event so it wouldn't be as awesome anymore.  I texted him saying that since it had changed and because he was sick, we should call the evening a bust and plan on something later in the week or over the weekend.  He said that sounded good, and I told him I hoped the doctor could help him.

And that was it.  No communication from either side since then.  I haven't reached out because I wanted him to want to pursue me, if he was truly interested.  Because that's what you do if you really like someone, right?  Since he didn't, I pretty much figured he wasn't into me anymore and I decided not to text him anymore.  I went back to my dating apps, but they just feel wrong.  And I've had this terrible feeling inside my stomach... is this fucking heartache over this guy?  We went out twice!  Why the fuck am I feeling like this?!

Because I felt an instant connection with him and haven't had that for many, many years.  Because I can still picture the intensity in his eyes on our first date.  Because he assured me he was truly a nice guy.  And all of that got my hopes up.

So I texted him just now.  Basically a "Hey, how are you doing?" message to test the waters.  In all honesty though, I'm the one who cancelled our latest plans, and part of me wonders if maybe he's been thinking I've been ghosting him.  Who knows.  I guess we'll see if he responds.  If not though, I'll know I can move on with a clear conscience and try to find my closure.

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Mr. Almost Perfect

So I met another fella and I really like him.  Like, a lot.  I saw him on Tinder twice.  The first time I thought he was very cute and liked his profile, but I swiped left for two reasons.  One is he's local.  Since the ex and I split, it kills me whenever I see him around town, and I want to avoid that in the future.  Secondly, we have mutual friends.  Not a big deal, but kinda for the same reason as the first.  I really thought hard about him for a long time, but wound up swiping left.

Then he popped back up a day or so later.  Which means he swiped right for me.  Hmm...  The majority of our mutual friends are just acquaintances to me except for one, who happens to be my best bud.  So I asked her about him, and all she said was, "He's a sweetheart."  Okay.  I looked at his pictures again for a long time, and his eyes totally won me over.  So I swiped right, and it was an immediate match.

We texted for a few days then had a phone call, during which I fell in love with his voice.  It was so cute and calming.  We met this past weekend for one of the best first dates of my life.  Immediate attraction and chemistry.  I was super nervous, and he brought me out of my shell.  We made out a lot, which I never do on first dates.  The way he looked at me held an intensity I hadn't seen or felt in a very long time.  Those eyes...

I left that night feeling I'd finally found someone I could really fall for.  My heart felt open to whatever might come with him without any fear.  And he seemed to be genuinely interested in me.

The following day he was busy, but we texted the whole time and agreed to meet for lunch the next day.  I was so excited, but it was kind of anticlimactic.  He was really tired and not feeling his best.  During the chit chat we talked about his career goals, then he asked if I had a dream job.  I replied that I didn't and really had always just wanted a family.

At this point let me mention that we'd talked about whether we want kids before we even met... he knew I definitely do, and I knew that he's not sure.  That being said...

After lunch he took me to this quiet and hidden spot on the river.  We talked and made out more, but he seemed different, like he was holding something back.  The intensity in his eyes wasn't there.  He mentioned what I said about wanting a family.  I confirmed with him that he wasn't sure yet about kids and gently said that it was a concern for me.  And we left it at that.  It started raining, and we made out in his car for awhile.  (So much kissing, and I love it!)

Since then he's felt distant.  I know he's been busy at work, but there are differences.  Even before we met he would send me multiple selfies a day and ask for pics from me.  Just something he likes to do.  But I haven't gotten the request or received a single one from him since our last meeting.  He'd also been sending sweet texts with kiss emoticons before, and now again, not one since that lunch date.  The conversation is shorter and has a totally different feel to it now.

It's killing me.  I know we've only hung out twice, but it felt so real.  It was such an instant connection that I thought for sure would lead somewhere, but now I'm not so certain anymore.  He's got a lot of stress at work this week, and I don't want to press him right now.  I'm hoping we'll get to meet up sometime this weekend and I can see how he is.

I hate dating.  I love when it's good and the feelings that go with that, but I hate this part.  The not knowing.  If he's not into it anymore, I wish he would just say it so I can move on before I get my heart broken too badly.  Because otherwise he's pretty much exactly who I've been looking for, and I can see myself falling hard and fast for him.

I kind of already have.