Tuesday, July 27, 2010

The Husband

Humoring me as I play with the panorama on my new phone.
I’m pretty sure I have the best husband in the world. I was just reading a forum where the ladies were sharing stories about how their husbands will go off on them about the smallest things, and I realized how lucky I am. My husband is very even tempered and doesn’t really sweat the small stuff. I, on the other hand, do tend to. Not that it happens a lot, but I do fuss about some little stuff sometimes… his beard trimmings in and around the sink for days (I refuse to clean those up), drinking all the milk/juice/tea except the last little bit and putting the near-empty container back in the fridge, leaving the kitchen a mess, etc. I usually try my hardest to be nice about it, asking politely if from now on he’d do it differently, but sometimes it doesn’t come out sounding like that. Sometimes it’s a passive aggressive sarcastic remark that slips out.

He never fusses at me over stuff like that. Never. I’m sitting here trying to remember a time when he did, and I can’t think of a single instance. How lucky am I? I think I forget that and take him for granted sometimes. I guess occasionally it all just builds up and has to come out one way or another, and I focus on that and don’t think about all the wonderful things he does for me. I guess that’s human though. Gotta work on being less human then. Wait… no. See previous post… spacey today!

Cookies and Conundrums

The mix-up
I just made some cookies. They didn’t turn out too great. I’m better at cakes and brownie pudding. I was originally going to halve the recipe, but I’ve been a bit spacey today and ended up halving some of the ingredients but not others and had to make the whole batch. And somehow I added balsamic vinegar?!? I figured a little more sugar might counteract it, so in went some more of that. The first third into the oven were very thin and flat, the second oddly shaped and a little over done, and the final dozen were damn near perfect. They all taste good though.

The husband and the roommate are gone, so I got to fail at these cookies in peace. They’ll eat them when they get home no matter what they look like. Well, the roommate will. The husband and I are starting to try to eat better, so he may wag a finger at first, then eat one or two.

I bake when I’m stressed. The uncertainty about everything continues, and I don’t know how to get past it. I know what’s needed of me but I can’t bring myself to do it. I guess I’m still waiting for the ultimate to happen so I may justify not doing it a little more. Will that really work though? Is the ultimate destined to happen? If so, is it anytime soon? Would it be justification anyway?

Ugh… I ate too much cookie dough.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Tearful Driving

I lost it today. I couldn’t bring myself to go in. I kept driving and went right past it. Right past it. And I continued driving until I was an hour out of town. I didn’t know where I was going… just away. Nothing but beautiful countryside to try to focus on as I drove west. I cried. A lot. I called a friend who’s twelve hours away and she talked me down. I really appreciated that. Down pouring tears, a cell phone and a car... not the best combination. I eventually turned around and drove back home. The whole way I wondered what I would tell him. Keep the peace and say, yes, I went there? Tell the truth and say, no, I couldn’t do it? I couldn’t lie to him. He was amazing. I really thought he’d be angry, but he was so sweet and supportive. I really have the best husband.

I hate this anxiety. It gets the best of me just about every time, and I don’t know what to do about it. It’s crippling and makes life extremely difficult to get through. I want to just wake up one day and have the courage I need. Having him has helped a lot, but it hasn’t fixed it completely. It was there long before he came along and I feel it will be, in some form or another, forever.

Monday, July 5, 2010


First, no, I don’t have it. Second, I’m not sure why, but I wanted to share this crazy story. I’m a little drunk right now and feeling sorry for myself. Maybe a funny story will lighten the mood? One day during my senior year of high school there was a blood drive. I signed up and went in. There was some guy in a creepy dog costume and he wanted to hug me. Not knowing who he was, I refused, but learned it was a friend and cautiously agreed to a semi-hug. Still creepy. They gave me a form to fill out. Recently being treated for rabies (yeah, that was fun) sent up a red flag for the blood drive personnel, but then they said it was long enough ago that my blood should be okay to donate. I received a letter a little while later telling me my blood type and that my blood was all good. That was the first time I donated.

The second was a few months later at a blood drive during my first few days at college. I was so nervous about college in general that I wasn’t eating much. That day I hadn’t eaten lunch before hand and went on in. They tied the rubber band around my arm and inserted the needle. Then they couldn’t figure out why the blood wasn’t flowing into the bag. Aha! They hadn’t untied the band! What do you know, it flowed nicely afterwards. Then it was off to the Honor’s College introduction to the library. Really? A library introduction? As thrilling as it was, it was all I could do not to pass out. No food + loss of blood = no good! I had to kneel and, of course, everyone stared. Great.

A month or so later I get a call from my mom saying I’d received some mail from the Red Cross. She didn’t know why, but something told her to open it. Stammering the whole time she informed me, “Honey, they tested your blood, and there’s something wrong.” At first I’m thinking, what the hell? I grew up in a poor county and never trusted the health department... I’d gotten a hepatitis shot there during the summer and I’m thinking they gave me HIV or something. “Honey, it says you might have syphilis!” I started laughing immediately, as I was still a virgin at that point.

“Mom, there’s no way.”

“Honey, it says here you tested positive.”

She then told me the Red Cross had run three tests. The first was positive, the second inconclusive, and the third negative. So, in the end, they decided I didn’t have syphilis, but I still wasn’t allowed to donate blood for a year. As it turned out the hepatitis vaccine had tainted my blood somehow and suggested syphilis.

I haven’t donated blood since.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Waiting and Worrying

It’s scary to think something could be wrong with my body. Something that could make it harder to or keep me from having children. My doctor’s appointment isn’t for another month and a half, and the waiting is driving me crazy. All I do is stress about what could be wrong. I’m constantly online doing research and I think that’s good and bad. Good because I’m learning and I feel I’ll be more informed when I actually see the doctor. Bad because it scares me to know all the things that can go wrong and makes the waiting and not knowing that much harder.

From what I’ve learned I think it may be one of two things. The first isn’t too bad and can be treated pretty easily. It just covers a few of my symptoms though. The second one would explain a lot more of them, but it’s a little trickier to work with. Depending on the severity of it, things could work out okay on their own or could need some more in depth treatment, possibly surgery. And that’s expensive without insurance. We’d work it out, but it adds to the stress.

I wish I could just see the doctor already so we could know one way or the other. Time’s been going by pretty quickly, so hopefully it will continue to do so. I hope the doctor takes me seriously. I hate how they can be so condescending and just brush stuff off sometimes. Of all the doctors I’ve been to throughout my life, I think there’s only been two who I actually felt were truly concerned about whatever I was seeing them for at the time. Maybe she’ll be number three. If not I’ll find someone else, hopefully not having to wait two months to get in again. I guess we’ll see.