Staycation Ramblings

The hurricane did a little damage.  The wind knocked some large tree limbs down, one of which took out a section of fence in my back yard.  Somehow it went down in one piece without any of the wood actually breaking, and it didn't take much for wonderful boyfriend and me to prop it up and nail it back in place.  I borrowed my parents tiny electric chainsaw to chop up the massive limbs, and some kind neighbors helped me drag it all out to the road.  It caused a lot of terrible flooding all over the region, but I was lucky not to have been affected.

The boy and I are still doing very well.  We see each other all the time and still get along wonderfully.  He just got back from a trip across the state to visit family.  I won't lie, I got a little nervous.  When the last boyfriend cheated on me, it was during a trip he took home, and that still affects me apparently.  But I trust him and really don't see him as the cheating type.  He's also been cheated on and knows how it feels, so hopefully he wouldn't ever.  I hate that I still worry about that.

I'm currently on vacation from work, and it's mostly a staycation.  The majority of the week I'm planning on just chilling at home and around town.  I'm doing laundry now (exciting) and will see the boy tonight.  Later this week and weekend he and I are going to a beach house some of his friends are gathering at.  He said there would be lots of just hanging out, drinking and smoking, so it should be relaxing.  If it gets too much for me, I'll be prepared with wine, a book, and a hoodie to chill on the beach.

I want the boy to meet my people.  I want to introduce him to my parents and show him off to friends, but I worry it's too soon.  I really want to make sure he's going to stick around for awhile before I do.  I'm very much hoping to have him to spend the fall/winter and holidays with.  They're so much more magical when you've got a special someone to share them with.

Woah!

I can't believe it's been a freakin month since I've written!  I'm not sure I've ever gone that long before.  Not sure why, just haven't felt like writing until now.

This past week I stuck my toe in the dating waters to see how it would go.  A few months ago I perused a certain dating website to see who was out there, and there was one guy who stuck out.  I wasn't really ready for anything yet, so I didn't sign up.  But last weekend after a couple of glasses of wine I decided to look again, and he was still there!  So I made a profile and messaged him, and he actually messaged back!  He was cute, seemed like a super nice guy, and wanted the same things I did out of life.

We decided to meet up for a drink one evening.  Day was set, time was set... then he fell asleep after I asked where he'd like to meet.  No big deal, he said he might.  So the next morning, the day we were to meet, I sent a good morning message.  I checked back a few minutes later to see that he was online.  Yay!  No reply.  Grrr, but okay.  Hours passed.  About 2-3:00pm I asked if we were still on for our date.  No reply.  Punk.  I get if he changed his mind or something, but be a freakin grown up and just say so.  Geez.  So that was a great first experience attempting to date again.

One good thing did come out of it though... a good conversation with my roommate.  We're not very similar, have opposite schedules, and don't really see each other very much.  I don't think we've had more than a five minute conversation at all before now.  But we just happened to be home and awake at the same time and ended up commiserating about sucky guys.  It was nice to get to vent about some stuff and be understood.

I had my first back injection a few weeks ago, and it... fucking... hurt.  A lot.  Like, a lot a lot.  And they make you hurt more for about a week after you get them.  I'd rather sit through tattoos then do that again.  But, alas, I shall be receiving another 1-2 injections in the coming months, the first being in about two weeks.  Awesome.

But to reward myself I shall sit through more pain and get tattooed again.  I think I've finally found what I want to be my next one, but I'm still thinking and tweaking it.  I've been wanting to venture off my back for awhile, and this one would be on my shoulder and arm, or just arm... haven't decided yet.  I'm excited though.

I'm also excited that I've gone back to the gym!  Anything other than the treadmill makes the nerve hurt, so I'm starting out super slow right now.  My social anxiety has got me too nervous to venture away from the cardio equipment anyway.  I'm hoping the temporary physical restriction will give me time to mentally prepare myself to try the weight machines (in front of everyone!) when I'm able.  We'll see.  I've only been a few times so far, but it feels so good to get back to it.  This is a new gym that just opened, and I love it so far.

And that's been my exciting life for the past month.

Bloggers Unite for EndoMarch: Week 8 - Reactions

This week we answer:  Did you tell your friends, family, co-workers that you are going to the march?  What were their reactions? 

Pretty much everyone important in my life knows I have endometriosis.  My parents, my "surrogate family" of four sisters and their parents, my closest friends and even most of my co-workers.   Any of my "friends" on FB who follow my posts know too because I post stuff about it occasionally through the year and a lot during March.

I told everyone I would be attending the EndoMarch when I first learned about it back in December, I think.  Every single response I got was amazingly positive.  Not that I thought any wouldn't be, but you just never know how people are going to react when you tell them you're marching on Washington, DC, haha!  All of my friends said it's awesome and a few even said they were proud of me.

My parents were supportive, but they were and still are very worried that I'll be traveling into the big, bad city all alone.  "You're not taking anyone with you?!"  Thirty-one years old and I'm still their little baby.  Always will be no matter what age, and they will always worry no matter what I'm doing or where I'm going.  I love them for it dearly, but... *sigh*

The most recent person I told about the march was a client at work.  I've known her for many years, and she is super sweet.  We were talking about a work event that I said I would be missing because I would be on vacation.  She asked where I would be going, and I told her I would be attending the Million Woman March for Endometriosis.  She is retired now, but I believe she used to be a nurse.  She acted like she knew what endo was, and I told her a little info about the march.

She then asked me how I got involved with it.  I told her that I have endometriosis and found myself blushing a little bit.  It was the first time I'd told someone that wasn't a friend or family member, and I guess I was really nervous.  I didn't need to be though, as she was totally awesome about it.  She said she thought it was absolutely wonderful that I was going and then gave me advice about walking around DC by myself, hehe.  Very sweet lady.

As much as I think about endo and do talk about it with friends and family, and also endo awareness and how I'm fine putting stuff all over FB, I was a little surprised at myself when it came time to tell someone else about it.  Maybe because of the social anxiety and the fear of being judged.  Maybe because it was a client at work.  Maybe because to a certain extent there is still the stigma of talking about your period.  Maybe because as much as we talk about it, it can be a very hard journey and one that at times is not always so easy to share.

http://www.millionwomenmarch2014.org/

Step Back!

It seems like it's still one thing after another with no break.  People keep interfering and making me feel like crap.  They have good intentions and are just trying to help but they're not.  

One young guy at work is asking about my dating life and telling me I should get out more.  But don't do to a bar because he only goes there for one thing.  I should go to The YMCA... a lot of people meet there.  What?!  Shut the fuck up, guy!  Didn't I just tell you I don't really want to date yet?  You're a twenty something player and you really think I'm going to listen to your advice?

My roommate invites me out to hang with her friends an hour away and kinda makes me feel bad when I say no.  I gotta work tomorrow and don't feel like driving two hours round trip to hang out with a bunch of people I don't know.  Unlike you, I can't make friends with everyone I meet, and watching you have a good time while I nurse a beer and attempt to not look like I feel awkward does not sound like a good time to me.  It's not your responsibility to get me out of my shell.  I'm going through a rough spot and will venture out when I feel up for it.

Recently I asked my sister to take down a pic of me she had just posted on FB because it was not flattering at all.  Last night she emails me a story of a lady who calls herself fat in front of her daughter and allows her husband to comment negatively on her weight, which leads to the daughter having a bad self image.  She attached a note about how important positive body image is "for ourselves and our children".  First off, I would not ever say anything like that in front of a daughter and I would never allow a man to talk to me like that, much less in front of my children.  Secondly, who really wants an unflattering picture of themselves on FB for all to see?  So back off!  I'm not happy with my weight and am self-conscious, but I'm working on it.  I'm sorry I'm not as confident as you and don't want to strut down the beach in a bikini with my belly flopping all about like you do.

This next one isn't personal but it aggravates me.  My boss is considering hiring a pregnant lady.  She just got married and they just found out about the pregnancy.  She's qualified, but it's a very physically demanding position.  It's being on your feet all day, bending, lifting, handling huge dogs and chemicals constantly.  She wouldn't be able to work with the cats.  If it were me, I would be terrified to potentially injure myself and/or the little life I'd be growing in a position like that.  It just doesn't seem smart.  I really don't want to come to work every day to see her belly getting bigger.

All this in the past 36 hours.  I just want to yell and scream sometimes.  

Hurt

Elementary school crisis.  That's what I'm in.  It's childish and ridiculous.

But, it's not.

It was hurtful, even though it was done with supposedly good intentions.  Ready for this one?

One of my very best friends in the whole world, possibly the best one, the one who is my awesomest roommate, the one who is my person and the female who gets me... didn't invite me to her birthday party.

She is all about FB and set up an event page for her big 30 extravaganza and made the decision not to invite me.  She didn't even tell me about it.  I saw the event on my news feed right after she set it up.  I figured maybe it would only allow her to invite a few people at a time, and I was going to be on her second passing, or maybe she had just accidentally passed over my name.  About fifteen minutes or so later I kinda jokingly asked, "So I'm not invited to your birthday party, huh?"  She came downstairs and said with an uh-oh-I-may-have-screwed-up tone in her voice, "You can come if you want."

Knowing then it was no mistake I just kinda said, "Ok" and made a weird face.  She then went on to say it was because she didn't think I would come because it was occurring an hour away with no one that I would know.  Because she knows I don't like big crowds or situations like that.  Because she figured we'd have a smaller, lower key celebration another time.  Nice of her, right?

I'm one of her best friends and she should have invited me whether she thought I would come or not.  I would never do something like that to her.

Plain and simple.

We ended up talking for a bit and she did apologize.  I was kinda worked up with hurt emotions and went and embarrassed the hell out of myself saying how jealous I am of her and her life with all her new friends.  Why the fuck did I find that necessary?

(Side story:  She and her boyfriend just decided last night to take a break [although she's pretty sure they're going to be totally broken up] because they are so different now.  The past few days she's said how he's set in his routine and doesn't like to go anywhere or do anything new and that's so not her.  She's also said how she stopped inviting him to do things because he always says no... sound familiar?)

I went and said that I'm scared she and I have nothing in common anymore and how every time she's described her boyfriend she's also been describing me.  How I knew that I hadn't been as interesting or as much fun to be around lately.  As it all came out it sounded like I was comparing our relationship to her and her boyfriend's, and I just felt idiotic.

I felt the same jealousy that I did when the husband went out and got new friends and didn't want to invite me along anymore.  Maybe I was channeling back to how much that hurt, I don't know.  But I felt stupid.

Anyways, I ended up apologizing for acting so stupid and said how embarrassed I was at all I had just said.  She went on to say how it was always me that she knew she had always been able to count on, even more so than her boyfriend.  When she needed to talk or just be around someone who let her be when they knew she didn't want to talk, she had always come to me.  Trying to reassure me or something, I don't know.

After our weird chat, we resumed our previous plans of watching a movie and ate some dinner afterward.  Now she's out for a drive looking for the super moon somewhere in our cloudy, post-storm sky.  It's kinda weird between us now.  It really has been since she moved in, but I figured it was just me in my depressive state not being as enthusiastic as I used to be with talking to her and going out and stuff.

I hate that that's people's perception of me and that they think I should be sheltered like that.  I hated it when I was a 20-something virgin and friends tried to shelter me from all the sex talk and would quiet down when I walked into the room.  Maybe I was channeling the hurt from that too.

I hate being me sometimes.  I really can't take it anymore.

Updates and Such

I decided to get out of town this past weekend.  Went to visit a friend in Raleigh, and we had a good time.  Got some exercise, drank some wine.  It was much needed.  I got home Sunday afternoon, and the boyfriend and I had a really good evening together.  Monday was pretty awesome too

I joined a gym a couple of weeks ago!  I was pretty terrified to start out with... having social anxiety, going to the gym had pretty much been one of my worst nightmares.  But I really like it!  I will go into the "Ladies Only" room if there's a ton of people in the main area, but for the most part it's pretty great.  I'm starting to feel better and lose a little weight.  I've got a bad back too, and I'm hoping to build up some strength there.  I'm pretty sure I'll stick with it... my manager at work (who is really more of a friend) and I joined together and are motivating each other to keep at it.  Excited to go again tonight.  More excited now that I've actually found some workout clothes I feel comfortable in and am not wearing the same freakin outfit all the time.

Earlier this morning the old roommate and I had our weekly "Pancake Breakfast".  I miss her!  I also got a free haircut today, then cleaned up the house some to get ready for our quarterly "property review" by the house's rental management company tomorrow.  This will be our first one, and I guess they're just making sure we haven't wrecked the place.  Gotta take the cat to work with me though and stash all evidence that we have one in the trunk of my car.  Didn't have the cash for the extra pet deposit when we first moved in and don't want to pay it now.  The guy doing the inspection was pretty disappointed not to be meeting the dog tomorrow, but I just don't trust people alone in the house with him.  I guess I'm scared they'll somehow let him get out and run away.

I think that's all my updates for now.

Waiting to switch the laundry so I can go to bed...

Bummin a little tonight.  Went to one of those host in your home parties with demonstrations and then the selling of stuff.  It was less than stellar.  Good food and wine, but also anxiety and self-seclusion.  I hate how I can physically feel it work its way over my whole body.

Now I'm home with no roommate, and I'm lonely.  I'm giving stupid eHarmony a shot again.  It's discouraging.  At least seven new matches daily, and not a one of them seems like a possibility.

There have been three guys on my mind lately.  One is now off-limits, one is now a friend without benefits, and one is my ex-husband.  The first still flirts and makes it so hard to continually say no.  The second is still as strange as ever.  And the third... well, we've been in contact a good amount lately, and I'm starting to miss him a lot again.

My realtor friend hooked me up with their lender who is supposed to be freakin awesome at getting people approved.  She didn't say no, but she did say it might be tricky.  I haven't heard from her since yesterday.  I'm hoping that means she's working her magic.  Oh yeah, found out my credit score is also freakin awesome.  That's gotta count for something, right?

Got an addition to my back tattoo last night.  Already ready to add some more.

Hurry up, washing machine!  I'm tired!

Take me out to the ball game...

Went to my first baseball game today... minor league.  I pulled for the visiting team because the boys were cuter and warmed up about thirty feet away from us.  I may have swooned a little in my seat.

Who knew you had to get dolled up to go to a freakin baseball game if you're single?  Both my roommate and a coworker demanded I dress nicely because there would be boys and lots of pictures.  When we got there I felt like everyone was staring at me because I was waaay over dressed and looked like I was on the prowl.  It wasn't a good feeling.  I didn't feel like me.

My anxiety kicked in, and I couldn't relax.  I was terrified as I ordered a hot dog, as we walked to our seats and throughout pretty much the whole game.  Then I got sad as I saw all the younger couples with their kids.  I kept thinking how I wished it was me.

Also found out today I look old.  As the four of us were pointed towards our seats, the guy asked if I would be keeping all the younger ones out of trouble.  Yeah...

To end this on a good note though, I made a kick-ass tiramisu for my roommate's birthday.  Never made one before and it rocked.  Go me.

I ♥ Lloyd Dobler, but...

In the movie Say Anything he asked, "Why can't you be in a good mood?  How hard is it to decide to be in a good mood and be in a good mood once in a while?"  It's hard.  I've been trying.

I've been a basket case the past few days.  I'm okay, then I'm not, then I'm really not.  I feel like I'm about to jump out of my skin half the time.  I cry out of sheer frustration with myself.  The husband is trying his hardest to be supportive, but it's wearing on him.

Barely two weeks off of the anti-depressants and I feel like I'm right back where I started.  I think I've always dealt with bouts of mild depression, but I started feeling it worse this past time after I'd been unable to get a job and we decided to take what we thought would be a year long TTC break.  I felt worthless and like I was just taking up space.  Now I have something to look forward to... we're moving in four months to a bigger town where I'll probably be able to get a job and we're going to start TTC again next month.  But I don't feel any better.  I still feel hopeless and I don't know why.

The husband wants me to make an appointment with a psychiatrist, but we can't afford for me to have regular appointments.  Can an OBGYN prescribe anti-depressants?  She's the only doctor I regularly see.  The doctor in Memphis said I should give her a heads up to keep an eye on me for postpartum, so maybe?  I'm nervous about if I should even go back on meds if we may be pregnant soon.  I want to tough this out and get past it on my own, but I don't feel like I'm making any progress.

For some reason I think that once I get pregnant my mood will magically lift because being a mom is what I've wanted my entire life.  That once I get pregnant I'll have something real and wonderful to focus on and have no reason to be sad.  But that's not realistic, is it?  I'm sure it can't work like that.  I've been thinking similarly about moving too... that once we're there I'll be able to get a job right away and be contributing again and feel all better.  But then I think logically and wonder if that will really happen.  I get scared that my anxiety will get in the way of it and I'll totally freak like I did last time.  It's embarrassing and I hate it.  I get worked up just thinking about it.

I just don't know what to do.

Early Experiences

When I was somewhere around five or six years old a stranger made a snide comment to me in the middle of a mall, and I think it scarred me some. I was there with my mother and grandmother, and we ran into a sweet old lady who lived across the street from us. My grandmother had taken a dish over to her a few days or so before, and for some reason I asked her, “When are you going to give us our bowl back?”. Definitely kinda rude, but hey, I was little and didn’t really know any better. My mom got really mad. She took me aside, sat me on a stool and scolded me in front of everyone in that area of the mall. Sensitive kid that I was, I started to cry. And I cried some more after she walked back over to the neighbor. As I was sitting there, crying, a woman who hadn’t seen or heard any of what happened was passing by. She looked right at me, narrowed her eyes and nastily said to me, “Spoiled brat!” I can only assume she thought I was crying because my mom wouldn’t buy me a toy or something. I don’t really know but I’ve kept that with me all these years.

I’ve been thinking about my past a lot lately. Things like that when I was really young. I keep wondering how much of what you experience when you’re tiny sticks with you and contributes to who you are as an adult.

When I was in first grade I had a few friends in my class and a crush on one of them… a little boy named Lucas. One day one of those other friends, a boy named Timothy, came up to me and asked if I liked anyone. I didn’t want to say, but he kept assuring me that he wouldn’t tell anyone. So I did, and of course like little boys do, he did. He went right over to Lucas and told him. I was mortified. Lucas made a face, and they both started laughing. I remember that being the day I realized I couldn’t really trust anyone. First grade… how sad is that?

I wonder if my social anxiety comes from occurrences like those. I get embarrassed just thinking back on them. I remember it really kicking in during second grade. We moved to a new town, and I started school in the middle of the year. No one really liked me. I dreaded going and faked being sick all the time, but my mom only bought it every now and then. The summer after that I was enrolled in a YMCA summer day camp during the week. Every day I dreaded walking into that building. While all the other kids were playing together with toys on the far side of the room, I would hang out in the book section on the opposite end and read, or pretend to just so I looked busy and content by myself. One of the counselors came up to me one day and asked if I wanted to play with the other kids, and I said I was fine reading. I remember thinking that I wanted to more than anything, but I couldn’t bring myself to walk over there. I never had anything to say and no one ever wanted to play with me anyway.

I’m still like that. I’ve been like that so long now that I don’t know how to be any other way. I want to more than anything, but I’m not sure I ever will. I keep hoping these anti-depressants will magically help, but I don’t think they work that way. I don’t even know exactly what I’ve been expecting them to do, but I’m not sure they’re doing it. I don't even know if they'll work at all since it's an experimental drug. Maybe they are working, I don’t know. Sometimes I feel just fine, but then I get a day like today where I’m paranoid and all over the place. Maybe the upped dosage will kick in soon and help some.

Watch out... she's on the drugs!

So it's been three weeks since I started back on birth control. I'm on the generic for Seasonale, so we're aiming for four periods a year. I was in a medical study for Yaz a few years ago that was trying to determine if it could be used and marketed like Seasonale. I don't know whether Yaz just doesn't work like that or if it just didn't for me, but I never made it three months without a period.

Now I'm back wondering if I can use a birth control like this. I've been spotting for nine days now. I know you can have breakthrough bleeding, especially during the first month or two, but I don't know if it's my body getting used to it or if it's what's at the back of my pachingo still causing problems. I can tell you that I'm definitely having other side effects! My (.)(.)s [boobs... always thought that was an awesome "emoticon" for them] hurt like hell!! This better wear off soon, because I don't think I can take it much longer!

The crazy's coming back too, I can feel it. It's like a switch is flipped, it's that instant. Poor husband... it's been mostly switched on him lately. Something inside just takes over and I can't get control back to try to get over whatever is making me upset. I think the worst part is knowing that I should not be as upset as I am, but I can't do a damn thing about it. I can be like that even off of the pill, but it seems to be exacerbated when on it. I don't have the best self-esteem and I think that mixes with my social anxiety to make me one nervous person.

I've been searching for a job here, but I'm terrified that when (hopefully) I get one I won't be able to control my emotions. Sometimes all it takes is someone looking at me the wrong way or having a certain tone in their voice, and the switch is flipped! I hold back the tears for as long as I can, but they always eventually come, and that makes me feel like a failure as an adult. I'm 27... I shouldn't be like that. Back home in NC I was at the same job for seven years, and my co-workers got used to me being so sensitive. But when it happened in front of a client, I was humiliated. I'm so scared about it happening again.