I can't believe it's 2019

I'm back.  We'll see how long it lasts this time, right?  Over a year since I've written... geez.

A brief chronological summary since we last spoke...
- The boyfriend and I are great and are planning marriage and kids.
- My biological father passed away.
- Endometriosis is back.
- Went on keto diet and lost a lot of weight.
- We bought a new house so we could all live together.
- Sold my house very quickly and renting out stepdad's house.
- Vacationed in Turks & Caicos... damn it was beautiful.
- Stepdad died a little before Christmas.

Damn.

Okay, that's about all I can muster for now.  Hopefully I'll be able to write more later.

Holiday Update

I don't think I've ever gone this long without writing here.  So much has happened.  I left my job and moved in with my stepdad back in September.  His health has been so up and down, sometimes doing a 180 from one day to the next.  He kept having mini strokes, and about a month or so ago he started having seizures.  I don't know how his body continues to take on so much stress.

He's still distraught over the loss of Mom, which is completely understandable.  I am too.  But now, when I really need the man to be my father, it's like he completely forgets that I too lost the single most important person in my life.  I'm struggling with that.

Our days are fairly routine... wake up, breakfast, then he snoozes until his hospice aid comes for his daily "washing up".  Thank goodness I haven't had to take that on.  I mean, I would if I had to, but with my back, I'm not sure I physically could.  Anyways, while she's at the house, I get out for about an hour to run any errands or try to get to the gym for a bit.  We play golf on the PlayStation for a majority of the afternoon which seems to take his mind off his grief and pain for a little while at least.  If he's doing well enough after dinner, I go to my home to spend a couple of hours with the boyfriend and the pets.  Head back to the house, make sure he's comfortable for the night and that all meds have been taken and are prepared for the next day.  Try to sleep.  Wash, rinse, repeat.

I hope it doesn't sound like I'm complaining.  I am truly grateful for whatever time he has left, and I'm glad I'm able to take care of him.  But lately, it's just seemed so hard.  Maybe it's the holidays.  I'm missing Mom terribly.  I thought I'd be okay, but the closer to Christmas it gets, the more I seem to be unraveling.

And as usual, I'm also freaking out about if I'll ever get to have kids.  The boyfriend and I have been together well over a year now, and I'm fairly confident he's the one.  I can't imagine being without him.  I had a feeling he might propose sometime over the holidays, but I guess we'll see.  In less than two months I will turn 35 years old, and I keep feeling like it's now or never for kids.  My endo pain seems to get a little stronger each month, and I'm so scared that if I don't do it soon, then it truly may not be possible for me.  We haven't used protection almost the whole time we've been together, and nothing.

How the hell would that work anyway?!  He lives in my two-bedroom house, and I live in my stepdad's two bedroom house.  If I were to get pregnant, WTF would we do?  Either house would be too small, and I don't know if moving my stepdad would even be an option.  Not to mention, he wouldn't do well with my pets, and getting rid of them is not going to happen.

I feel like everything is stacking up, and I'm freaking out.  I just don't know what to do.  I think I'm going to look for a therapist next month.

Spinning

I feel overwhelmed.  My mind is spinning, going from one trouble to the next in a constant loop.  Freakin AF just arrived as well, so PMS has helped to fuel the fire.

First thing, my stepdad is not doing well.  His doctor said he might have around six months or so left with us, and he seems to be going downhill quickly.  We've known it was coming, but it's still absolutely heartbreaking.  My mom has decided to retire early so she can spend this time with him.  She actually has stayed home this week.  Apparently he had such a hard time this past weekend that they thought he might be having a stroke.  It's all so scary, and I can't even imagine what he's been feeling.  I know he's been in so much pain and is miserable.

Much less serious, but still troubles my mind is my ex-roommate.  He's been gone for about a month, but just when I think I'm done communicating with him, he'll text me about something.  Yesterday he rudely asked where his security deposit was.  I actually sent it to him two weeks ago, but who knows why he didn't see that.  I don't know why, but whenever I see his name on my phone I run cold and start shaking involuntarily.  He never did anything to my physically, but I guess it affected me mentally more than I thought.  And I should have kept a lot more of his security deposit than I did because his room was nasty.  The walls were stained and required painting, there was mold, and the carpet cleaner I rented brought up a massive ink stain that has been impossible to get out.  And there's a funky smell that's driving me crazy.  Ugh.

I learned yesterday that my ex-boyfriend now has a daughter.  The ex who left me in part because he decided he didn't want kids.  Apparently it was an accident from a fling that must have happened the second he was out of my house because the kid is well over a year old now.  Happy for him though if he's happy.

My now boyfriend who I love so very much is moving in with me this weekend.  I had been so excited about it, but now it feels like a cloud is hanging over us, and I'm a little worried.  It seems he's been going through a life crisis of sorts.  He's losing his job in a few months and has no idea what he wants to do.  He doesn't really want to move to my town (although he says he is happy for us to be moving in together) and he really doesn't want to stay in this area in general.

Last weekend we had a talk in which he said he hasn't felt close to me lately.  And he's scared of hurting me.  From day one I've been very open about the fact that I want kids and that I need to sooner rather than later.  He's known that and seemed to want the same.  Now he's saying that he doesn't want kids soon and is scared that he'll be wasting my time.

What the actual fuck.

I'm really hoping that he's just freaking about the big changes happening right now and will feel better once his life settles some.  I've decided that I'm not ready to give up on him.  I love him.  I can see us being forever.  As hard as it has been to wait this long, he's worth waiting a little while longer.

I'm hoping it's just my PMS affecting me, but for some reason since the talk I feel all weird when I'm around him.  Now I don't feel close to him.  I don't feel that all-encompassing love.  I mean, I do, but I keep holding back around him now.  I'm guessing I'm just scared that I will give him the time, but he'll decide to bail.

Because that's what has always happened.  And I'm terrified to go through it again and find myself that much older again and potentially with even less chance of getting pregnant.  But I've made my decision to give him time and now all I can do is hope for the best.

Winter Update

It's been over two months... damn!  I really don't know why I don't write as much lately.  Maybe because when I'm happy I don't feel the need to get things out here?  And I have been very happy.  Most of it is due to the fella... actually the same one from the last post!

We've been going strong for about three and a half months now, and I'm totally in love.  I told him that a couple of weeks ago, and he said he felt the same.  He actually said that before he met me he'd been planning to move away at the beginning of the year.  He's not happy with his job or his current location and still does want to move somewhere at some point.  I don't know why I only seem to find guys who want to move away.  But I'm kind of at a point where I might want to also.  Maybe.  I go back and forth.  I did it before, and it didn't work out so well.  But I am older now and would hopefully be able to do it right this time.  I do want to settle down and have kids, but I would like to start that here because my support system, my family and friends, are here.  Maybe if we get that far he would be open to moving in a few years.  I may be thinking too far ahead right now... it's only been three months.  But that's what I do.

Work has also been a bit more stressful lately.  The work itself hasn't changed other than it being busier for the holidays.  My manager's life has changed though.  She's now back in the single life and trying to party it up with the younger employees during off time.  Which is nice for her because she never really had that opportunity when she was younger.  But they're all even more buddy-buddy now at work, and I feel like it's social hour all the time.  When I ask them to do something, it seems like they resent me for it.  But when she does, it's all good because she's their pal now.  I need to just get over the high-school drama feel, but it's hard when you spend a majority of your time with these people.  And I'm now the oldest person there, so that doesn't help.

I'm going to be 34 in less than two months.  And I'm childless.  I started trying to get pregnant before any of my four "sisters", and now they're about to have seven children between them.  It's still fucking hard to face that.  Christmas was difficult.  Two of them (one with a big ol' pregnant belly again) with their spouses and three children gathered at their parent's house.  All of them paired off and then me, alone because my fella was out of town with his family.  Watching them all so happy with the kids running around and opening presents was so much harder than I had anticipated.  I don't know why, because it is every single time we all congregate.  But I thought maybe because I am now in a relationship with a hopefully promising future I would feel different.  Nope.  That ache of wanting a child of my own still overpowers everything.  The jealousy of my best friends having that.  Maybe one day I'll get to experience it, and hopefully that feeling will go away.  I just want a modern-day happily ever after... is that too much to ask for?

I said I was happy at the beginning of this, but maybe I'm not as much as I thought.  I ended up writing more glumly than I imagined I would.  Maybe it's just the stress of the holidays putting a temporary damper on things.  I've also been PMS'ing pretty hard this month and have been overly emotional the past week.

But I am incredibly happy with my fella and am so very thankful that we met.  Most of my people have now met him and they all like him.  I've met his family and some friends.  His parents like me, which is always a good thing.  He is my bright spot.  I hope we continue to move forward as happy together as we are now.

♪ No more drama in my life ♫

I don't know how people go through their lives with so much drama.  Drama that they appear to be creating for themselves.  Do they thrive on it?  Do they not know how to be without it?  I hear it from pretty much everyone at work almost every single day, and just listening to them exhausts me.  I can't and don't even want to imagine what they feel.  Some of it really isn't their fault... whether it be from bad luck or ending up with in-laws from hell.  But some of it really is of their own doing.  Why do they continue to do it to themselves?  I'm the go to person when they need to vent and I'm to a point where I don't know what to say to them anymore.

No real drama in my life, just jumbled nerves.  I got my packet of paperwork and medical records mailed off to the CEC yesterday.  So sometime in the next few weeks I should be getting a call from one of the doctors there.  Wow.  I really hope I can afford to do the surgery if they think it could help.  If not, I guess we'll jump right into TTC, so in theory I'll be happy either way.  Well, once that ring shows up on my finger we will, haha.

I had my six week post surgery check up the other day and I'm doing well.  Still feeling some pain, but he said I will for awhile.  I start physical therapy next week to teach me how to move correctly and exercise without re-damaging my back.  I kinda am and am not looking forward to it at the same time.

When my back is better, the boyfriend and I want to repaint the old roommate's bedroom and bathroom and fix up the rest of the house.  Wenesday we drove through the neighborhood we'd like to live in seeing where the houses in our price range are.  I'm so excited for that.

This is a long one...

(That's what she said... maybe?)

So many things are going on and running through my mind right now!  All good things!

Health-wise, I'm doing pretty great!  My sciatic pain comes once every so often, but it's very minimal and doesn't last long.  The doctor said that's normal and will get better with time.  The incision still gets a little sore but that's getting better too.  The middle part of my back is causing a little trouble now, but I guess it's having to work a little harder since I'm trying my best not to use the lower part much.

I'm scheduled to go back to work this coming Wednesday and I'm really nervous.  I've been relatively inactive during my recovery and get worn out pretty easily.  I'm not supposed to bend or twist or pick up anything heavier than a chunky chihuahua.  All of those are kinda part of the job, but I'm going to be pretty adamant that I'll be staying at the desk for a while.  At work I've always done what's needed and disregarded the pain.  Not anymore.  I've finally learned that my physical well being is more important than the job.  On a side note, I just realized that today marks three years since I've been back there.  Wow.

These past couple of weeks I've mainly been a housewife, and I've actually really loved it.  If I could make the little online job I've been doing since out of work pay the bills I totally would.  This whole time I've only made about a hundred bucks at it.  Oh well, every little bit helps.

I received the scariest doctor bill I've ever gotten in my life yesterday.  Over $19,000.  Luckily insurance is paying for that.  I can't even imagine the amount of freaking out I'd be doing right now if not for the insurance I got just two months ago.  In total, I think all of this would have ended up around $27,000 when all said and done.  Geez.

Other news on the home front.  Huge freakin fantastic news!  The boyfriend and I are now on the fast track!  He's ready to get married and start a family!!  I told him I'm due to get a refill on my birth control next week, and he said he thought I should stop taking it.  I told him my back needs to get better before we get pregnant, and these next few months will be for my body to get back to ovulating.  We even started discussing baby names, which blew me away!  Eeeek!

I then asked his opinion on getting engaged in the next couple of months, and he was cool with it!  He still can't afford a ring yet, and lately we've been pondering putting the diamond from my old engagement ring in a new setting.  It was actually my grandmother's, and she left it to me when she passed away.  I've been trying to sell it since the divorce because I didn't think I'd want to wear it again, but had no buyers.  I've come to realize that I don't associate it with my ex anymore.  I look at it and think of my grandmother and realize that I truly don't want to part with it, no matter how much the money from it could help.

So, in true girl fashion, here are some of the settings I've been looking at...  Picture a beautiful round champagne colored diamond in them.

Gorgeous!  All of them!  And actually in our price range.  :)

And last, but definitely not least, we've started pre-gaming for house hunting!  The bf has been spending a lot of time online looking at houses.  We contacted a realtor who will be on the lookout for us.  We've started talking about the minor renovations we need to do to the house before we put it on the market.  We're also paying close attention to a house in our little nook that went up for sale about a month ago.  It's the exact same floor plan and square footage as ours, but they're asking $20,000 more than what I bought this one for!  We're very interested to see how long it'll be on the market and what it will actually sell for.

So that's the update on all that.  I'm pretty excited about everything right now.  Except work... really don't wanna go back, haha!

My Heart is Aflutter

The boyfriend said many sweet things yesterday that made me fall in love with him all over again.

I know he can't afford an engagement ring yet and I've been suggesting a very real looking fake ring for the past couple of months.  He hates the idea and has not entertained the thought one bit.  We were talking about all sorts of things yesterday and we got to joking about that.  I said, "Forty bucks and you're done!  What's the problem??"  And he immediately said back, "BECAUSE YOU MEAN MORE TO ME THAN THAT!"  Aaah!  I melted.  It was so sweet.

Later we were talking about my birth control, and he said, "Why don't you just stop taking it?  I'll put a little one in there for ya," as he rubbed my stomach!  Aaah!!  Killed me!  In all seriousness though, he did say he'd be fine with us starting to TTC now in case we have trouble with it.  I said I wanted to get through this possible back surgery fiasco and then go from there.

Then he totally surprised me with this next one.  When we got back together we compromised and decided that we would stay here for us to have a child, then move out towards Western NC when it was a few years old.  He hates this area, but my family and support system are here, so we agreed that plan worked for us both.  Well... yesterday he said absolutely out of no where that he'd be fine staying here if we could find another house that he'd be more comfortable in.  One with neighbors that aren't as close to us, one with a garage and a huge back yard for the dogs.  One possibly on the water.  Something we could really settle down and grow old in.  AAAH!  Craziness!!  Never ever ever did I think he'd want that.  He said he's really been thinking about it though, and it would just be such a hassle to pack up everything, move across the state, find a new place and new jobs.

I just don't know what to think about all this wonderfulness!

Absent

That's what I've been.  But I've got a great reason, I swear!

The boyfriend moved in!!!

I'm so excited.  It happened rather quickly and all of a sudden actually last week.  Weird circumstances at his old place developed, and he decided it was time!  So we've been moving him and his stuff in, and tomorrow will be a week.  It has been so, so wonderful!

There's been a bit of an adjustment period, for him especially.  He said it's been just a tiny bit weird.  I did buy this house by myself and have been living in it for ten months now.  He feels awkward not knowing where anything is or where all the light switches are.  But he's adapting quickly and has been settling in nicely.

He's very handy and has already switched into Mr. Fix It mode a couple of times.  His next project will be the garbage disposal.  Between us we've got three computers which we've put in the loft upstairs.  It looks like command central up here now.  We've rearranged all our furniture, and this place feels even more like home now.  I had really missed his big comfy couch.

The dogs are a bit off still.  My dog has turned into kind of a loner...

Where he goes for his alone time now, complete with grump face

And his is even more of a lover now...

We were cuddling before the bf piled all his toys on top of him

They play and seem happy to be around each other all the time again, but it's still weird for them too.  Time will help.  The cat has been fine.  He adapts to anything pretty easily.

I am so happy right now.  It really feels like I have my family back together again.  I enjoyed living alone for a few months, but I am definitely happier now that he's here.  No more only seeing him once or twice a week.  No more driving home late Sunday night after The Walking Dead or Game of Thrones.  No more sad goodbye kisses.

I get him every night now.  And I hope to every night for the rest of our lives.  :)

All Around Good

What a crazy week it's been!  First of all, I have a new niece!  I got a call around 2am Thursday morning saying it was time for my sister's baby to be born!  I got up and rushed over to their house.  Things seemed like they were in full swing, but just like with her first birth, they slowed and kinda stopped for awhile.  The little girl didn't actually emerge until 2:30 that afternoon.  The proud mama was exhausted and actually gave us a scare after the birth.  She lost a lot of blood and almost passed out.  She was hooked up to an IV for quite awhile and confined to the bed for a couple of days. She gets rechecked today and can hopefully get off bed restriction.

All her actual sisters couldn't make it, so I'm glad I could be there for her.  I got to hold the new little one for quite awhile as they worked on mama.  She is precious!  I watched her look up at her mom while she was holding her and just melted.  The connection there was absolutely unbelievable.  I want that so much.

In other crazy news, my roommate is practically engaged.  The guy that visited her about a month ago has turned into her one, and they've decided they want to have a life together.  He's buying a ring this weekend.  She got an awesome deal on a wedding dress a few days ago.  Oh, and she's moving to California next month!  He's out there for the next couple of years until he retires from the Marines, and she's going to join him.  They want to move back here after that, but we'll see.  I'm going to miss her terribly!!

I will be getting my house all to myself though!  She had originally committed to staying with me a year.  She thought about staying the full time until her fairly well off fella offered to pay her half of the rent until the summer, which....

...is when my fella will hopefully move in!  We've pretty much decided we want to spend our lives together too.  I'm so excited and am so in love again.  I really wondered if I'd ever get to feel like this again.  I feel very lucky.  We were talking about everything again last week, and he said "I guess I'm going to have to propose soon, huh?" with a smile. 

Aaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!  I'm pretty stoked :)

We had a hard time for a long time, and I really think we needed it.  We saw all sides of each other and learned a lot about what we want.  We came out on the other side stronger and more appreciative.  We communicate more efficiently and compromise better.

He loves me for me, as I do him.  I love how I can be completely myself around him.  He's not going to be scared away.  And as silly as we act together, this really feels like a grown up, adult relationship.  About time, seeing as I'm 30 and he's 36, haha!

I'm actually pretty happy with my life right now!  :D

Schtuff

The past few days have been pretty okay.  The drama at work lightened up a little Friday, mostly because one of the main drama-makers was off, and I jokingly threatened everyone else who was working that they'd better be in a good mood.  Boss-lady was off too, so that kinda helped.  She's been grouchy lately and has had everyone on edge.

Got a call from the ex-hubs Friday evening.  It was the first time hearing his voice in almost a year, which was nice.  I thought for sure I'd bawl my eyes out after the call, but I held it together.  Later that night I got a text from a friend of ours who was visiting him, and he said that they both missed me.  That one almost got me, but I stayed strong.  I didn't dwell on either and they actually kind of seemed like no big deal.  I'm sorta proud of myself.

Yesterday I went over to the old house and cleaned the carpets.  I first had to pick up the cleaning machine from the grocery store, and I'm sure they thought I was a hot mess.  I had just woken up from a nap and was still exhausted.  I was fuzzy and thinking and reacting very slowly.  I'm sure I seemed high as fuck to the customer service guy.  I wheeled the thing out to my car and was about to take advantage of the empty spot next to me to load it into the back seat.  But no.  Someone decided to pull into it, and I had to alter my course quickly, leading me to run the thing into my foot, which somehow sent the dirty water tank flying.  Luckily it didn't hit any cars.  So I had to grab that, put it back on, maneuver the machine into the narrow space between my car and the next, and get it into the back seat without scraping the other car.  All the while the wind was whipping around me, and my hair was swirling all over my face so I couldn't see that well.  What an unnecessarily complicated process.  To top it off, the lady that had pulled in and witnessed this entire thing got out of her car and kinda smiled at me like, "Ah, that sucks."  Thanks, lady.

Anyways, finally made it to the house and got started.  The ex arrived home when I was about halfway through and helped out.  Then we had one of our normal post-breakup evenings.  As always, it was very nice.  The plan for today is to go back and finish cleaning after he's got all his stuff out.  And if the cable's all hooked up at his new place by tonight, we're planning on watching the season premiere of Dexter.  I'm not sure I'm ready to let go of that man, and I'm not sure that's such a bad thing.  But it kinda is.  *sigh*

Kinda Craptastic Things

It's crazy how people from your past can still affect you.  I got a FB message this morning from a guy I went to high school with who kinda made my life hell back then.  He was asking a work-related question, and now I'm thinking he may use the services of my workplace.  And for some reason, that's got me feeling all queasy inside.  I like to leave my past in the past.  I haven't seen him in probably eleven years, and I'd like to keep it that way.  I dunno.  Just weird.

I kinda saw some sea turtles released back into the ocean yesterday.  It was crazy crowded, but cool to kinda see them swimming away.  We got there late, and the best vantage point was from standing in the water a little ways.  My pants got a good bit wet.  As we were walking back to the car, I saw a man go to the farthest picnic table (which really wasn't that far) and totally strip down, dry off and change clothes.  Awkward, but he had a nice ass.  My "sister" drove, and I think we almost died about ten times.  Seriously, she drives crazy, and we almost rear ended people at least seven or eight times, no lie.  We went to a buffet pizza place for dinner, and she had her daughter try a bite of one of the dessert ones thinking she'd like it.  Nope.  That girl cried and screamed like I've never seen her before.  It was rather embarrassing.  She finally got her calmed down, but for some reason thought it would be a good idea to offer it to her again.  And the girl started crying and carrying on all over again.  It was awesome.  I do want kids, right?

I had a plan for today to get my first mortgage payment taken care of.  I went through a different bank than I normally use to get the home loan.  I just learned yesterday (although they said they'd told me with the original paperwork... nope!) that although I set up my mortgage loan through their bank, it had actually been serviced by another one.  The bank I normally use, actually.  I think I would have remembered them telling me that, but oh well.  I had been planning to go into my bank today to get an auto draft set up so I wouldn't have to deal with mailing checks, but I logged into my online account this morning and found my mortgage info sitting right there with a nice little "Make Payment" button.  So, there went my need to go into the bank and my plans to go grocery shopping afterward.  Now, on this lovely day off, I don't need to go anywhere.  I kinda do need food, but I'm content surviving off what little is here for the day and going shopping after work tomorrow.  Imma be a bum today.

I've been thinking more about the online dating thing, and I'm still not sure if I want to try it yet.  I created this little gem this morning...

I'd always wanted to attempt to make one, and figured I'd give it a shot.  It's funny, but it's also kinda not.  I'm 30, have no idea if I'll be able to get pregnant or not and really don't want to sort through all the BS that is dating.  Can't I just put it all out there and reel in a winner?  I don't think it works like that.

Once again I'm rethinking things with the ex-boyfriend.  We had dinner at his (our) place Monday night and watched a movie while cuddling on the couch.  Seriously, if he had given me half as much attention as he does now, I could have overlooked a ton of our other issues when we were together.  That's the kind of affection I need on a regular basis to feel secure.  If I feel loved by a guy, the other stuff doesn't seem as bad.  But are his other things that bad?  Would I want to have a lifelong partner like him even if he did give me that affection?  Ugh!  He's moving out this weekend, and I'm going over there Saturday evening to clean the carpets and whatever else needs to be done.  We've both pretty much implied that we want to have sex that night.  I think we've got to stop that if I have any chance of wanting to start to date again.  Do I want to let him go?

Random Pics & Adventures in Lawnmowing

Overall it's been a decent week.  Had my car professionally washed and waxed, and now it's all happily shiny and new looking.   Had some work done on the house and now it's all fixed.  There were only a few things left over from the inspection that the sellers didn't want to address.  Nothing big, but some things were kinda important and now they're all done!  Happy house.

And a happy me when I got a rose bush as a housewarming present from a previous neighbor... so sweet!

We had fixins for s'mores at work and had to take a break to make some today.

Yesterday evening I was out mowing my front yard and drew some attention.  See, this is my swirly whirligig lawnmower...

A couple of neighbors came over to look at it, exclaimed that they didn't know they even made those anymore and asked how it worked, haha.  One guy's mower was broken and he asked if he could borrow mine.  The other neighbor informed me after he left that he's a drug dealer and a thief!  That's just awesome.  He seemed very nice though and did return the lawnmower.  He didn't offer to sell me anything and didn't seem to be scoping out my house, so I guess that's a plus.  I am a little more nervous at night now when my roommate is gone 4-5 nights a week.  Nothing's happened these past three weeks though, so I'm pretty sure I'm fine.

Anyways, yesterday I mowed a lot of lawnage.  This is my back yard and I kinda like the fact that it takes all of five minutes to do...

Well, it turns out the previous owners used to split the responsibility with the next-door neighbors of mowing the common area between our two houses.  I initially wasn't going to mow it because I don't use it at all, but then I noticed everyone in the neighborhood mowing different common parts.  So, after five to ten minutes on my front and back lawns, I spent forty minutes picking up pine cones and mowing this...

Yeah, it goes back a ways on the left there.  And I did it all with my swirly whirligig!  Yay!  Not the yard I signed up for, but I'm keeping the peace with the neighbors and I got some extra exercise.  It's gonna suck when it gets really hot though.

More Progress

My current horoscope from Real Detroit Weekly:

"Now that the pressure is off you're beginning to pop back into a reality structure that has as much room for you as it does for everything else. The short form on that would be: you're returning to the place where you have room to breathe. The creative spark has yet to be lit on the flame that lights the way to the next thing. At this point your main task concerns the need to be human. Sunlight, water, and enough earth under your feet to keep you grounded; combine these with the things that give you joy and that's where your heart needs to go for the next two or three weeks." 

Once again, this seems spot on.  Crazy.

The Sunday play date with the ex threw me off for a day or so.  We had a fantastic afternoon... we drank, had dinner, had sex and he was more affectionate than ever before.  I guess the absence made his heart a little fonder.  It was a great time.  Then he got drunk and did the woe-is-me thing.  Somehow we got on the topic of kids, and I asked him flat out about it, but he said he thinks his ship has sailed for that.  He was saying how he's got nothing to offer anyone and will be alone forever.  I honestly didn't know what to say to him, but I felt awful.  I felt after the great afternoon we'd had that maybe we could work it out down the line.  But I keep telling myself that that's probably not the case and that I need to move on.

So I've focused on the house.  I had my sister over Monday evening for my first full home-cooked meal in the new place.  Last night I hung up a towel rack and spackled some walls.  Today I finally hung up my pictures and artwork, which really do make it feel more like I belong here now.  I broke out the lawn mower again and used my new weed eater for the first time this afternoon.  Then I was stupid and started to dig a huge hole in the yard for the pup's new mini septic tank thingy in 90-degree weather.  I kept hitting rocks and roots which made it very difficult.  I lost my shade about halfway down and am now waiting for it to cool off to finish the tiresome digging.

I'm exhausted.  But I finally got Internet today (yay!) and am now taking full advantage of it.  Tonight, the roommie and I are planning on cooking our first dinner together since moving in, but she's currently on the phone with her boyfriend discussing important issues that may determine if they stay together or not.  Awkward.  I hope they work it out but I hope they do it fast.  I'm really hungry.

Slow Progress

I'm starting to feel a little better I think.  I haven't gotten the happy pills yet, but the roommate has moved in, and that has helped a ton.  I love her.  The house is coming together nicely and it's starting to feel more like home.  I don't dread being in it by myself anymore.  That's a good thing considering the roommate is gone four nights a week.

I saw the ex bf at the old house Wednesday when I was collecting the last of my stuff.  It actually went ok.  We talked over a little lunch, and he kissed me goodbye.  He said he's gonna get the kisses in while he still can.  I was okay with that.  We're having a Game of Thrones and doggie play date tomorrow. We'll see what happens there.

Today marks a full week in the house and also with no Internet.  It's amazing how much you depend on and get used to it, especially when you don't have a television.  It's scheduled for install this Wednesday.  Thank goodness for Internet on phones.  I haven't felt much like reading since moving but I'm hoping to soon, especially with a nice new couch and loft to lounge in.

I'm getting there. 

What's wrong with me?

I'm all moved in and with the exception of maybe three boxes I'm also all unpacked.  The house is great.  The new stuff looks great in it.  I met several of the neighbors, but the jury's still out on them.

I feel awful.  Everything makes me think of the now ex-boyfriend.  I tear up hourly and I hate it.  I miss him so much.  But do I really miss him or just having him there?  I don't like this living alone thing.  The roommate better move in soon.

My dog is not happy.  He's nervous and doesn't want to leave the bedroom.  I think he misses the ex's dog.  When he's not pacing from anxiety he's laying around all depressed looking.  He doesn't want to play at all.  I took him away from his brother. :(

Have I made the wrong decision?  I keep telling myself to just give it time, but will it help?  It's all I can do not to call him and ask if we can come over.  I want to go home.  But I don't want to string him along through my uncertainty.  That's not fair to him at all.

And it's not my home anymore.  This place doesn't feel like home either yet, so I feel like I don't belong anywhere.  I look around and feel love and hate for it at the same time.  I just keep smoking and drinking hoping they'll make me feel better.  I want to sleep all the time so I don't have to think about it.

All this and it's barely been 36 hours since we said goodbye.

I'm a freakin mess. 

Appropriate

Back in high school I was somewhat into astrology.  My interest waned not long after I graduated, and I stopped regularly reading my horoscope for a long time.  About a year ago I heard about Real Detroit Weekly's.  I'm not sure if I actually believe in it, but theirs seems to be strangely in tune with and appropriate for whatever is going on in my life a good portion of the time.  I just read this this evening...

"You wanted this. Now it's your job to figure out how to deal with the choices you've made. Living with the consequences of our actions requires us to own up to both our mistakes and our selves. You may not be clear enough about who you are and what you're doing to take this on at the moment – but if you're willing to take it one step at a time you'll be able to find enough of yourself in it to make it worth continuing. For the time being try to live with this plan of yours. The proof is in the pudding; if it's working the evidence will be right there in front of you." - Real Detroit Weekly

Exactly what I needed to hear.

Jumbled Nerves

My stomach has been in knots for days now.  Tomorrow I close on my house and Saturday I move.  My head and heart are battling it out again, one trying to convince me not to let go of the boyfriend, and the other trying to remind me how hard a lot of this past year has been.  I keep thinking that if I were to try harder things could be better.  I keep wondering if I'm making a big mistake and if he really could be the one for me.  I know I haven't been completely happy with him, but will I be able to find anyone to make me the kind of happy I want to be?  Is he as close as I'll ever get?

Fuck.  I don't even know if he wants kids anymore.  I don't know if he'd be happy staying in this area.  I don't even know if he's really happy in the relationship.  I just know I'm scared.  I'm absolutely terrified.  I hate this feeling.  

It's so weird how we've been acting like business as usual between us and will right up until I move out.  Not that I wanted us to go into the friend zone before I moved, cause that would have been even weirder.  It's just a weird situation all around.

I've just got to make it through these next few days.  I know there's going to be a ton of tears and I'm not even gonna try to hold them back.  They're going to happen. But then they'll clear (hopefully), and I'll be able to get some perspective and go from there.  

I hate feeling weak like this.  I hate being scared to be single again.  I can't even be as truly ecstatic about my house as I want to be because I'm so busy freaking out about leaving the boyfriend.  Why do I make things so hard for myself?  Why can't I just accept that we tried, it didn't work and now we're moving on?

Because I do love him.

Fuck. 

Splurging

That's what I've been doing lately.  The month of May brings three paydays which means a little extra cash, and I've been using that for some new things for the house.  It sounds materialistic and stupid, but I'm so freakin excited about all this new stuff.  The thing is, I never buy new stuff anymore.  I have one pair of jeans and maybe three shirts right now.  I'm in my work scrubs (which I haven't bought new ones in well over a year) almost all the time and only put on real clothes maybe once a week, if that, and can never seem to justify new clothes shopping.  Anytime I want anything new I usually talk myself out of it because I don't really need it and I could put the money towards debt.

But I've allowed myself to buy some new things for the house.  Most of them really are practical things that I'll need, but feel exciting because they're brand spanking new.  Things like a new coffee maker, a mattress cover and a weed whacker.  And some pretty shower curtain hooks and a beautiful, expensive looking (even though it really wasn't) soft, linen shower curtain liner.  And a wireless router.  Boring stuff, but I can't wait to break them out of their packages and set them up in the new place.

Two big things I did buy just because I wanted them though.  The first is a pair of bar stools for the soon-to-be-mine breakfast bar...

The second is a beautiful comforter set that I've been eying for a year and a half but could never let myself get before now...

Everything was bought online and has arrived except the second beauty, which is expected today.

My wonderful mother actually bought me something new too...

A brand new couch!  It's not the prettiest thing, as it looks like it's been sitting as a floor model for quite awhile, but it was 75% off and matches a chair I've already got.  I haven't had a couch of my own for a long time and am very excited to have some actual seating options in the new place!

New stuff for a new house and hopefully a new start once more.  It's gonna be good.

A Week of Lasts

Yesterday was an awesome day.  It was the last day off the bf and I will have together before going our separate ways.  We hung out, we played games, we grilled and drank and talked.  We got along really well the entire time, and even he said he wanted the evening to be longer so we'd have more time together.  I'm very sad now, even though I know it's for the best.  He asked me yesterday if I still wanted us to be friends, and I said yes because I really do.  Overall he's a pretty decent guy, it's just some of our core values are very different which is not conducive to a life long happiness together or raising children.  Anyways, we're gonna have puppy play dates and we're still gonna watch Game of Thrones together.  Maybe this will be a good way to ease back into being single, to still hang out a little instead of going cold turkey.

Today is my last day off before closing on the new house.  This was the last morning I'll sleep in here and wake up to the bf's cuddle puppy in my face wanting nothing more than to be loved.  In the new house though maybe my dog will want to sleep on the bed again since it'll be less crowded and maybe I'll get to wake up to him.

Tomorrow night will be the last night I drive home from my weekly dinner with my "sister" and look for lights coming through my front door window to see if the bf is still awake.  Only five more nights of watching basketball with him.  Only five more nights of laying on his chest in bed at night falling asleep to a movie.

I only want to remember the good things about being with him and let go of the bad ones.  I'm all lovey and extra sad about our parting today because we had sex yesterday.  I can't have sex without getting emotionally re-attached all over again.  I'm guessing that's why my "friends with benefits" thing with the guy before him didn't work out so well.  Anyway, whenever we have sex, the next few days we're all lovey and hands on, and that's gonna make this week even harder.  No more sex.  Which sucks because he's freakin amazing.

Moving on... today I must finish packing.  Most everything is already in boxes, but I want to take advantage of this last full day off and get all the rest done too.  Gotta climb up in the attic and drag down all the Christmas stuff.  Go through all the closets and drawers to make sure I haven't overlooked something.  Keep my mind occupied.

Three Weeks

Exactly three weeks from this very moment I will be sipping coffee on the first morning in my new house.  I will have closed on it two days before, moved in to it the day before and will be starting to settle in my home.  All that being said, I really should start packing.

This will be the seventh move I've made in the past five years and hopefully the last one for a very long time.  I've moved so much I think I've gotten the whole packing thing down to a science and don't really stress about it too much.  Thus, I tend to procrastinate.

Maybe I'll get a start today and get a good amount done.  Maybe it'll help to take my mind off the day.