Discombobulated

I'm so frustrated right now.  There's so much I want to get out here, but I'm having trouble.  Since yesterday I've written and deleted three different posts because they didn't feel right.  Two because my gut said don't put that out into the world, the other one because it was jumbled and wasn't adequately saying what I wanted it to.  It's all just not coming out right and it's driving me crazy.

I feel jumbled on the inside right now, and I think that's where it's coming from.  I kept looking back to the past all day yesterday, I'm taking my mother to another eye surgery today, and I'm stressing about insurance quotes, inspections and the like on the house.  I'm thinking about the move, where the boyfriend's gonna go, how he's keeping the dog we got together and wondering how it'll end between us.  I'm wondering where I would be now if I'd made different decisions in my past, then scolding myself to stop doing that because it's all a part of life.

I just need to clear my head a little and calm the eff down, haha.  Luckily I'm on vacation next week!!

I got it!

I got the house!! I finally heard back from the realtor Thursday afternoon who said the sellers and the bank were cool with the rearrangement of the counter offer. We got the paperwork redone and signed that afternoon, and it became officially almost mine! I am SO stoked!! Next come appraisals, inspections and all that fun stuff.

I'm more excited now than I was when I bought my first house. I think it's because I actually got to choose one that I really like. I did like my first one, but it was the only thing I could afford and the only one I saw. I got to shop around this time, see what else was out there and pick my favorite! It really is perfect and several people have said it suits me and my personality.

Pretty awesome sauce.

My nerves are shot!

I got a counter offer on the house this morning and for some reason I am freaking out!  I'm thinking it's because of the huge amount of money aspect of it.  I was slightly freaking yesterday while at the bank and talking numbers.  I majorly freak when I become newly responsible for very large sums of money.  I did it when I bought my first place and again when I got my car.

I think I am more so now because I need my mother as a cosigner.  I have always paid all my bills on time and have no doubt that I would in this place, but there's still that huge thought of "Oh no! What if I'm really screwing up and end up hurting my Mom's credit too??"   I hate that I even need her to cosign.   I've got great credit, but just not enough income to qualify on my own.  And with renting and paying off old debts it's so hard to save any away.  The mortgage payment will be cheaper than rent now, so I know that'll help.

It's just a little scary right now.  I keep trying to tell myself that I've done it on my own before and will be good this time too.  I know once I get in the house and everything settles I'll be fine, but until then I just need to calm my nerves.  (Did someone say cigarette?)  The realtor is currently talking to the sellers to see if they're cool with a rearrangement to their counter.  I'm thinking they'll accept it because it's just a little thing so the extra can be put in the mortgage payment instead of being paid upfront.  Gaaahh!

Offer Made!

This afternoon I put in an offer for House #1!!  I'm so freakin excited!  The realtor showed me the two houses as well as two others this morning, and #1 is totally the right one for me.  I met with the bank lady afterwards who got me pre approved, then went back to the realtor and signed the paperwork for the offer!  She meets with the seller this evening.  The house is priced very well, so I'm going in full price and asking the seller to pay closing costs.  We'll see!  If all goes well, we're aiming for a closing on May 31st.  Assuming I get the house, I'm trying to decide if I want to take June to paint (it needs a fresh coat) or go ahead and move in and paint after.  Oooh... what color??

And did I mention, awesome roommate from before the boyfriend is moving back in with me!!  She really has turned into a best friend, and we can't wait to be reunited, haha.  She and her boyfriend still aren't ready to move in together, so I'm probably gonna have her at least a year.  Which is good, because until I find a man who wants to move in with me, I'm probably gonna need a roommate from a moo-lah standpoint.  I could swing the mortgage if I lived on nothing but ramen noodles, but a roommate is much better.  And she's the perfect one.

I learned today that I have a medical bill that went into collections over a year ago because they had the wrong address for me.  That showed up on the credit report the banker pulled, but it never showed up on the site I use to track my credit... weird.  But, I called the collections agency and am getting that all straightened out.

I also got a very sweet message today from my guy friend from 8th grade.  March is Endometriosis Awareness Month, and I've been posting about it all over FB.  He didn't know what it was and did some research on it, then sent me a message offering his support.

"It's strange, I was actually just thinking about asking you about Endometriosis.  I had seen your posts about it, and I didn't know what it was.  I gathered it affected you personally somehow, but for some ridiculous reason I never assumed that you had the condition yourself.  I read a little bit about it.  I don't even know what I'm saying here, really, but I just wanted to reach out somehow.  I can't claim to really understand it and I'm sure I can't say anything that you haven't heard before.  Just know that I'm still here if you need me.  I care about you and I'm grateful we've kept in touch for all these years.  If you want to talk, need someone to listen, or just anything really, you know what to do.  I know this is a challenging time in your life for reasons I don't completely understand, but you've got one more friend over here, okay?"

How awesome is that?!?  Especially coming from a man!!  I got a lot of messages of support after I vented about endo on FB this weekend too.  I truly am lucky to have such wonderful friends!

Okay... gotta distract myself the rest of the evening so I'm not obsessing until I get the call... aaah!!

And the verdict is...

I'm pretty sure I've decided on House #1!  I was mostly set on #2 for a while, but changed my mind yesterday.  When I think of #2 it's practical, but I'm really not crazy about it.  When I think of #1 I get excited and can totally see myself living in it.  So that pretty much answered my question.  I've been totally stoked since the decision and am so ready to make an offer once the financing comes through.  The realtor called me yesterday and we're going to look at both of them one more time this week.  She had gotten me in contact with a mortgage specialist last week and asked about that yesterday too, but I haven't heard from that lady in several days.  The realtor is going to call her tomorrow, and I guess we'll go from there.  Fingers crossed!

I can't think straight I'm so excited.  I bought my first house at 21 and am so ready to get another one again now at 30.  So ready.  I had a dream last night that another offer had been put in on it and accepted before mine and I was devastated!  My dreams were all bad last night though.  The boyfriend was a complete insensitive jerk when it came to painful sex from the endo.  He decided to sleep on the couch part of the night, but made it back into the bedroom around 2am.  This morning I've been nice but have stayed away from him, and we didn't talk about it at all.  I guess he felt bad, and an uncharacteristically long hug from him a few minutes ago was his form of an apology.  We've only got three months left, and it just doesn't seem worth it to confront him anymore.  I don't have the energy.

Only three more months before I'm moving into my new place... hopefully House #1!

House Hunters NC

I'm pretty sure I want to buy a house this summer.  I've looked at two older houses and two newer ones recently, and from a practical standpoint I need to purchase a newer one.  I just can't afford the upkeep on an old one at this point in my life.  So, as of right now the two newer ones are in the running, and I can't seem to decide which one I like better.

House #1:   Two bed, two bath with an upstairs loft.  The floors in the living/dining area are beautiful bamboo, and the kitchen floors have been redone with a pretty new tile.  The stairs give the space a lot of personality, although the living area is a little cramped.  It's in a cookie cutter neighborhood and the houses are all pretty close together, but it doesn't seem like it.  It's got a decent back yard with a concrete patio.  I LOVE the inside of the house, but the outside and location could be better.  No driveway or garage, just parking lot spaces.  No HOA fees.

 

House #2:  Two bed, two bath with a mirror image layout of #1, but no loft.  Because there aren't any stairs, the main living area and kitchen are roomier.  But the inside has no personality and is totally carpeted, which I hate and would rip out eventually, plus it needs a few repairs.  It's also in a cookie cutter neighborhood right down the way from #1, but it's on a cul-de-sac and has a garage with a two-car driveway.  It has a huge back yard and big wooden deck.  It does have pricey HOA fees which would cover lawn care for the front yard only.

Price-wise they're only $5,000 apart, so that doesn't really sway me one way or another.  My head says #2, but my heart is conflicted.  I love the inside of #1 but the outside of #2.  I love the loft in #1, but I honestly don't know if I'd really use it.  #2 seems to be a better investment for the price and would have better resale value with the garage and yard, but it has no personality inside.  Plus it would need work.  #1 needs much less work and is perfect inside, but I'd miss the yard and garage.  #2 I would have to save up to customize (new floors and such) which would have to be done a little at a time.

In the long run I think #2 is the best option, but it would be nice to move right into #1 and not have to do anything to it.

Decisions, decisions.  Not a bad one to have to make though!

Bitter

So that feeling in my last post that I was forgetting something... I remember now. My "sister" who had my "niece" (who I figured out I got this cold from whilst babysitting her last week) is pregnant again. They'd been trying for a few months and found out last week. Of course I'm incredibly happy for them, but you also know what else I'm feeling. The ugly green monster has returned once more. It was just starting to retreat after her sister, my best friend, had her baby.

So that means more baby showers and witnessing her belly grow over dinner every week. I love her and wish her nothing but the best, but it's hard.

I was talking to a relatively new coworker today who knows a little of my story. She gave me the "It happens for a reason and you'll find out in time" line. I wanted to tell her to shut the fuck up. I instead sputtered out that that doesn't bring any comfort right now. I continued with something about me just being sensitive about baby stuff. She's young, full of life and hope and is a newlywed with no reason not to spout anything other than positive thinking. I used to be like that.

I really think I am starting to get bitter about it all. I've said it a million times, but I feel so stuck. I don't know if it was me or my ex or both of us that caused us to not get pregnant. I don't have the money for surgery to find out the status of my insides. If I were able to get pregnant on my own, I don't have the money to support a baby alone and would never bring one into the world with those circumstances. So there are absolutely no positive steps I can take right now. I feel lucky to have found a birth control that really helps with the daily pain, so all I can do is keep taking it. That's it. I'm stalled.

I put a little vague thing on FB about my positivity fading and bitterness creeping in. One of my best friends who is always spouting positivity and love and who is going to school for and pursuing a career in positive psychology left a comment about (what else) but fighting to stay positive. So far two people have liked her comment, and for some reason, that's pissing me off. I absolutely love her for her good intentions but I really just want someone to say they understand and can commiserate. Obviously FB isn't the place for that.

Maybe I need to look into an endo support group because no one in real life seems to get it. I try to stay positive 95% of the time... it doesn't seem like it here in this space, but in real life I do. But I can't keep that up all the time. It's exhausting. Sometimes I need to break down. Hell, I just need to be able to express my frustration sometimes and have someone say that it's okay.

Without them telling me to appreciate the little things. Without them telling me it could always be worse. I get that. I do all that. I just want to wallow for a few minutes. It that okay?

Sick Monday

I'm sick.  Just a cold, but have been feeling icky since Friday.  Very glad it's not the flu, cause that's no fun.  Plus then my parents would get that I-told-you-so moment for me never getting a flu shot, and we can't have that, haha.  Ever since I got what seemed like the flu after a tetanus shot in 1999 (as did two of my friends who got it with me), I've refused to get any shots that weren't mandatory for school or something.  As far as I remember, I've only had the flu once in my life, so I'm not gonna get a shot every year for a sickness I'm probably not gonna get.  *Knock on wood*  I totally understand why my parents get it, and that's the right choice for them.  Just not for me.

Not much else to report here lately, hence the no posting.  I'm sitting here searching my brain for something interesting that had to have happened this past week or so, and I'm coming up with a big nothing.  Maybe the sickness fogginess is to blame.  I'll just go with that.