Monday, September 27, 2010

Watch out... she's on the drugs!

So it's been three weeks since I started back on birth control. I'm on the generic for Seasonale, so we're aiming for four periods a year. I was in a medical study for Yaz a few years ago that was trying to determine if it could be used and marketed like Seasonale. I don't know whether Yaz just doesn't work like that or if it just didn't for me, but I never made it three months without a period.

Now I'm back wondering if I can use a birth control like this. I've been spotting for nine days now. I know you can have breakthrough bleeding, especially during the first month or two, but I don't know if it's my body getting used to it or if it's what's at the back of my pachingo still causing problems. I can tell you that I'm definitely having other side effects! My (.)(.)s [boobs... always thought that was an awesome "emoticon" for them] hurt like hell!! This better wear off soon, because I don't think I can take it much longer!

The crazy's coming back too, I can feel it. It's like a switch is flipped, it's that instant. Poor husband... it's been mostly switched on him lately. Something inside just takes over and I can't get control back to try to get over whatever is making me upset. I think the worst part is knowing that I should not be as upset as I am, but I can't do a damn thing about it. I can be like that even off of the pill, but it seems to be exacerbated when on it. I don't have the best self-esteem and I think that mixes with my social anxiety to make me one nervous person.

I've been searching for a job here, but I'm terrified that when (hopefully) I get one I won't be able to control my emotions. Sometimes all it takes is someone looking at me the wrong way or having a certain tone in their voice, and the switch is flipped! I hold back the tears for as long as I can, but they always eventually come, and that makes me feel like a failure as an adult. I'm 27... I shouldn't be like that. Back home in NC I was at the same job for seven years, and my co-workers got used to me being so sensitive. But when it happened in front of a client, I was humiliated. I'm so scared about it happening again.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

♪ Men, men, men, men. Manly men, men, men. ♫

I think I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be around women. I live with two men, and right now we’ve got two more for the weekend. The roommate had a couple of friends fly in Thursday, and it’s been a testosterone fest in the house ever since. Football, video games, manly movies, and lots of drinking. I’ve always gotten along a little bit better with guys than with girls, and I like to think I can hold my own with a lot of “manly” activities. These two seem like great guys who I’d like to hang out with, but they’ve secluded themselves in the roommate’s room, their own little man cave, for now. The husband has been at work pretty much the whole time they’ve been here, so I’ve been awkwardly trying to include myself when an opportunity presents itself. It’s great when we all get to talking, but then they retreat for hours on end back into the cave.

When they do go out, I’m definitely not invited. If I were a guy I wouldn’t want some chick, especially a married one, tagging along during my bro time. I certainly didn’t expect to get included and I would have politely declined if they had invited me, but still. The offer would have been nice because I’ve been a very hospitable hostess! The roommate certainly didn’t do anything to prepare for them. I cleaned the whole house (Except for his nasty, nasty bathroom! Seriously, I had a nightmare about that shower last week), set up places for them to sleep and have tried to make them feel welcome!

I wish I could be a guy just for one day, so that maybe I could try to understand just what the hell is going through their heads. Men and women supposedly think very differently and are on completely different wavelengths, and I’d like a clue-in as to how their brains work every now and then. Sometimes the husband and I will have the most confusing conversations and we find out that we’re talking about completely different things. Sometimes I’ll bring up things we’ve discussed many times before, and he’ll act as if it’s the first he’s hearing of it. That drives me crazy. What is it about being a man than makes them so… so… I can’t even think of a word to describe what I’m thinking right now. Is it a penis thing? Cause I don’t think that’s an excuse. On a side note, I would totally play with myself if I were a man for a day.

I’ve seriously got to get some female friends here. I miss my girls' nights out and sitting up til 2am talking about… well, of course, what else but men.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Goose Egg

The instigator
I hit my head today. I was crawling into the back seat of my car to take a window cling off the rear windshield and BAM! I have no idea why I did that other than since I don’t normally enter my car that way, maybe I misjudged the distance? Ugh. It hurt. The pain immediately went to the back of my head and my neck. My brain went fuzzy for a couple of seconds and I kind of landed in the back seat. Graceful it was not. I have a nice bump now and I hope it doesn’t turn black and blue.

Why I felt the need to take the cling down at that moment, in a crowded parking lot in ninety degree weather after the car had been closed up for an hour, I also do not know. The cling was for the culinary school that the husband attended. We shared my car for a few months earlier this year and never transferred it when he got his truck. I guess I just felt misrepresented now… haha. Although I have a Marine Corps sticker and his chevron patch still back there, and I don’t feel misrepresented by those. I guess that’s more a “proud of my man” thing. :)

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Grrr!! Argh!!

I’m so frustrated with this insurance lady! I tell her exactly what I need, and she says she can help me get it. At first she quotes me a price that sounds pretty reasonable, but then goes on to say that it’s not worth it because the average birth costs $3000 and the premiums and deductible would be way more than that! Is she serious? $3000!? Not even a freakin chance! Then later she tells me that most insurance companies don't even offer a maternity rider anymore. So where did the quote come from?? I want to give her money, but she’s making it very, very hard!

I don’t know much about insurance so I’m trying to trust this professional to guide me in the right direction, and it doesn’t seem like she has a clue!! Why is she making it so hard?? I contacted a couple of other companies and I really hope they have something better to say.

Monday, September 20, 2010

A Proper Little Lady

♪ Backin up, backin up, backin up, backin up… cause my daddy taught me good. ♫ Sorry… it’s still in my head!

Play with me?
Just took our poochie to the vet, and I’m sooo proud of her! She and the husband were playing last night, wrestling and roughhousing like they love to do. At some point his wedding band hit one of her teeth and chipped it. It didn’t faze her at all, but the husband felt so bad! The vet said it’s fine and shouldn’t cause her any pain or problems in the future, so yay! She’s turning into such a proper little lady. She’s almost three, and I think she’s starting to get out of her puppy mindset and into an adult one. It used to be when I took her to the vet that she’d be all over herself trying to get to the other people and pets for attention and to play. Now she sits right next to me, sometimes stands up and walks around to sniff a little, and only goes up to people if they make the first move to pet her. Such a good dog! She was so stimulated while out and about today that she’s now exhausted and passed out on her bed. So cute!

In other news, I'm so excited about a possibility of moving back to North Carolina! We'll be here in Mississippi until our lease is up at the end of next May, but the husband has already been looking into places and chefs he'd like to work for next. He's mainly been looking at Portland, Oregon, which I think we would both really enjoy, but it's just so far away. Today a wave of homesickness hit him and he was talking about Asheville! I would llloooovvvveee to go back to my home state! Plus we have some military friends moving there in March, and I would love to be near them. I'm sure we'll both change our minds a dozen more times before it's time for a decision, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it's North Carolina! Or at least close to it.

Now I’m off to make bread. The recipe is for honey white bread, but the husband is all about sorghum right now, so it will be sorghum white bread. Gotta start cleaning up the house too. The roommate has three friends flying in on Thursday to stay with us until Sunday. I have no idea where we’re going to put them!

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Hotty Toddy

Okay, I’m on a roll with the videos now and had to share this one! I love watching some of the awkward people in the background! The husband works with one of the guys singing. He, the roommate and I were watching the Ole Miss game today and singing this song the whole time. Haha... love it!

♪ Will you still love me tomorrow? ♫

I’m very sad that I don’t get to write about TTC anymore. It was always so much fun even if it was just venting sometimes. I love reading other ladies’ blogs who are TTC and learning about what they’re going through, and I always thought it was cool that maybe some ladies reading mine could relate to what I was going through.

Now I don’t know what to do. I don’t think the rest of my life is as interesting to write about. I try to share the uniquely “funny” things that happen every now and then, like the “Yo Taco” and the creepy salesman from the last post, but other than that, what is there? Other regular, everyday life stuff, I guess?

The husband and I are now trying to get most of our food from as many local and organic sources as possible, but I can't really write much as I don't know much about it, although I’m trying to get more excited about it since that is to be the focus of his career.

I’m looking for health insurance with maternity, but it’s crazy expensive and I don’t know where we’ll be when I finally do get to deliver a baby or if the hospital wherever that is will even take the insurance I end up with.

I’m still looking for a job in this tiny town, and 15,000 students just arrived back at Ole Miss taking the few that were available.

And that’s about it on my horizon.

Will my few readers still stick around if that’s it? Well, I guess I started all this as a way to get things out and that’s what I’ll continue to do. Hopefully some people will stick with me through it, but it’s okay if they don’t.

Okay, another pity party over. I’ll end this with a funny video that my Charlotte friends showed me. I constantly have the song on loop in my brain now. Enjoy.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Yo Taco

I got home last night and it was a nice trip. So nice I wanted to escape reality for a bit longer and stayed an extra couple of days. The first half of the trip started early with me driving east into the bright sunrise. I sang very loudly and very badly, and it was very therapeutic. The Charlotte friends were awesome and we stayed up way too late. The parents were happy to see me and cooked my favorite childhood dishes. I ate brownies every single day.

Purdy table
I went furniture shopping with my mom, who is looking for an uber-modern couch. We didn’t find one she liked, but I fell in love with this table. It’s fantastic and tall like me and could be used as more food prep space when the counter is fully occupied. It can even hold some wine. Pair it with a beautiful collection of tall chairs I found and it’s the ultimate set. Adding it to the “One Day” list. When we arrived in the mattress department, the salesman who had been lurking behind us made it onto my “Creepy Old Man” list. His sales pitch involved asking me to lay down on one of the beds so he could put something under my back to see if I felt it. That obviously didn’t happen and we promptly left that section. I wonder if that’s ever worked for him. Mom and I also went to a store that goes crazy at Christmastime. They set up at least a couple dozen themed displays starting every September, and it’s always been tradition for us to check it out together. Didn’t think it would happen this year, so it was extra nice.

The goodbye was a tearful one, as I probably won’t see them again until next spring or summer. I headed back to Charlotte and saw an awesome truck on the way. Well, the truck itself wasn’t special, but what it said on the back made me laugh. It was a Toyota Tacoma, but some of the letters were gone and it read “Yo Taco”. I was amused and instantly hungry for Mexican food. Coincidently, that’s what we had for dinner, so go me.

My kind of traffic
The next day I shopped at Kohl’s and Bojangles' before leaving town. Kohl's is the only place I can find clothes I like and actually fit right, and there’s not one where I currently reside. The stop at Bojangles' was for steak biscuits as requested by the guys... we don't have one of those where we are now either. So four shirts (three for me [I only had like two that actually fit me beforehand] and one for the husband) and six steak biscuits in the cooler later, I started the long trek home. Luckily I missed Atlanta at lunchtime, but I did hit Birmingham at dinnertime in the rain with crappy windshield wipers. After that there was barely anyone on the road the rest of the way home. At one point the GPS decided to take me down a route she never has before. I was pretty much in the middle of nowhere, but I saw the most gorgeous sunset that made the detour totally worth it.

Somewhere in Alabama
I arrived home to a nearly empty house. Both the guys were at work, but luckily the dog and the cat were at the door to greet me. The husband got home an hour or so later, followed by the roommate. I found out they watched True Blood without me and I was pissed. Haha. It’s a household ritual that we always watch it together, even if it’s days later because schedules are off. I guess they just couldn't wait to see the season finale. Oh well.

After nearly thirty hours total time of driving and bad singing, I think I'm starting to feel more at peace with our decision to put TTC on hold. I'm still very sad about it all, but I don't cry anymore when a song that mentions a baby comes on the radio. I guess that's something.

I found out this morning that I have my first official blog follower, and that made my day. So welcome follower, and thank you for bringing a smile to my face!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Insert Sad Face Here

I am so heartbroken right now. The husband and I sat down yesterday and had a long conversation about continuing trying to conceive. Together we decided that we should take a break until our financial situation improves. I have a feeling that this break will be for the better part of a year at least... probably until after we move next summer. This kills me. I haven't been able to stop the spontaneous bursting of tears. Between the bursts I managed to call wonderful doctor lady, and she's putting me back on birth control to keep the endo at bay. I hate being on birth control... it makes me emotionally insane and neither I nor the husband are looking forward to the bipolar-ness it creates in me.

This is hitting me a lot harder than I thought it would. I just can't stop crying. I decided to make a last-minute trip home to North Carolina to see my parents. I think the many hours on the road will help to clear my head. Luckily I love to drive. I'm going to drive ten hours tomorrow to Charlotte to stay with some friends overnight, then get up early the next day and drive the final five hours. Visit for a couple of days then turn around and do the same thing in reverse on the way back to Mississippi. I think it'll be good for me, but I'll miss the husband. He's very supportive of this trip and thinks it'll do me good also. He's the best and I'm very lucky to have him.

Monday, September 6, 2010

What To Do??

I feel so torn right now and I don't know what to do. I've wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember and in January we finally started trying. Through the months we've moved (and plan on moving again next summer) and also had to pay for costly medical appointments out of pocket (no insurance) which have put us in debt. I haven't found a job here yet, so our income has been limited. I'm so worried about bringing a child into this world when we're in debt. I know our families would help if we asked them, but I don't want to put them in that position.

I hate to put TTC on hold, especially since I've been diagnosed with endo. My doctor wants me to start Clomid this cycle and use it for a few months to see if it will work before sending me to a specialist for a pricey lap which we couldn't even afford (do specialists have payment plans??). I know Clomid only increases the chance of multiples slightly and I would LOVE to have twins or more, but there is no way we could support more than one without going even further in debt, and that terrifies me. If I do start taking it, it's in just a few short days. I just don't know what to do. I feel the "adult" decision is to wait until we're more financially stable, but that absolutely breaks my heart. Will we ever really be "financially ready" for a baby? Things just keep coming at us and that's life. What to do?

Friday, September 3, 2010

This Little Piggy...

When I was around 22 or so I had toe surgery. I was not blessed with all perfect toes and wanted to have one straightened out. So when it came time the doctor injected my toe with a numbing agent. I’ve gotten better with needles over the years, but I certainly wasn’t too keen on them back then. Even so, I thought I did pretty good… I just looked away so I didn’t have to watch. I didn’t freak out or anything. I didn’t even flinch. I simply turned my head. After seeing this the doctor asked me if I had any children. I replied that I did not. He then said one of the most audacious things I’ve ever heard come out of a doctor’s mouth:

“You probably shouldn’t if you can’t handle the pain from one little toe.”

I did a double take! Did he really just say that?!? I was shocked and unfortunately all I could do was stare at him in disbelief. If he hadn’t had a knife in his hand about to operate on my toe I would have given him a few words to ponder. That toe is still crooked.

He ranked right up there with the doctor who had me hold my arms out while he pushed down on them and asked questions as a lie-detector test. I've always had the least amount of upper body strength of just about anyone... I always failed in gym class when it came time for push-ups, pull-ups or to climb that damn rope. So when this doctor was on his fifteenth question and my arms were about to fall off, he determined that I was lying about eating too much sugar and that's what had been causing all of my adolescent headaches. My back and eyes had nothing to do with it...

On a different note, I did end up jinxing myself with the previous post. Wouldn’t you know the very next day I woke up with some spotting. How rude! Then I thought, hey, it could be implantation! It did go away for a couple of days, but it’s back now and brought its friend, cramping. I’m not giving up hope though! I’m telling myself for now that it’s due to the little bit of pachingo cyst still up there. Yep, that’s what it is. ;) I guess we’ll find out in a few days!