Clomid and Coming Out

Since the last time I posted, I started taking Clomid and will take the last dose tonight.  I am on 50mg, am taking it cycle days 5-9, and so far really haven't experienced any major side effects.  I was prepared for crazy-psycho-bitch mood swings, but I've actually had this positive, happy calm wash over me since I first started taking them.  Maybe being prepared for them has kept them away.  Maybe I'm just happy to finally be taking a positive step again, and that's lightened my spirits.  Who knows.  It's all good though.

I have been having a few mild hot flashes at night, but they only last a few minutes and really aren't that bad.  I usually get a little ovary pain (I guess that's what it is) throughout my cycle, and it's seemed a little stronger lately.  I'm choosing to believe that it's a good thing and that they're preparing themselves to create a super fabulous egg that will be all the more able, willing and ready to be fertilized!

Tomorrow kicks off Endometriosis Awareness Month, and I've written something to put on Facebook.  It's basically just some information about the disease and my story involving it.  I included some links to helpful online resources in case anyone needs them.  I think I'll change my profile picture to this endo ribbon for the month, and also place it to the left on here.  It's not much, but I hope it can help someone.

This will be my "coming out" on Facebook about the endo and us trying to get pregnant.  Only our parents and a few close friends know, and I'm a little nervous about "announcing" it to everyone back home and a shit ton of people I went to high school with.  Part of my story is about the endo being found in my pachingo, which I tried to phrase delicately.  I'm afraid that stupid high school people I didn't particularly care for (and vice versa... why am I friends with them on FB?) will all focus on the fact that I had this nasty thing growing in my lady parts and wonder if I had it back then (then be grateful they never slept with me... not that I did that in high school).  Ugh.

But I don't care what they think anymore (for the most part... do you ever totally get over high school?) and I'll probably never see any of them again in my lifetime, so the benefits of spreading awareness of endometriosis outweigh the risk of retrospective humiliation.  (That is so not the right use of that term, but oh well, it kinda fits.)

Infertility in TV Land

Am I a bad person for wanting fictional characters on a television show to have fertility issues?  Pretty much every show I've seen with a couple trying to get pregnant has shown them successful after one or two attempts.  But on the show Parenthood, it seems that Julia and Joel have been trying to conceive their second child for awhile now with no success.  On the episode I most recently saw Julia opened up to her sister that each passing month was getting more frustrating.

I'm kind of hoping that it does take them some time and that they may even need to seek help for it.  Is that wrong?  It's not just because I'm tired of throwing a fit and the remote every time a fake person on a TV show I like to watch gets knocked up right after stopping the pill.  I'd really like to see it acknowledged that getting preggo doesn't always go so smoothly for some people and have just a little attention brought to the topic.  Maybe they could even have an episode where she gets pissed because a multitude of people tell her to just relax and not stress about it.

I tried to do some online "research" and didn't find anything about it, so I don't know.  I have missed all the new episodes since Thanksgiving and am just now slowly catching up, so maybe they've already covered or resolved it.  I hope not though.  I did read that they get it on in her brother's house during her nephew's birthday party because she's ovulating, which seems a little inappropriate even for TTC.  I mean, I know you gotta do what you gotta do when it's O time, but I'm sure they could have found some time at home, right?  Or is that just me?

Oh, and while I'm on the topic of TV, I watched an episode of Cougar Town last night where Ellie freaked out on her husband for not being psychic and knowing what she wanted without her telling him.

"You're just supposed to know what I want even when I'm saying crazy, stupid things that I don't mean, especially when I think I mean them!  I mean, like now.  I don't even know what I'm saying.  I really feel crazy!"

I showed this to the husband last night and thanked him for knowing what I want even when I don't half the time, because he's just that awesome.  I also reminded him that I may or may not act twice as crazy in the coming weeks and to please bear with me because it's not my fault if I become a raving lunatic.  Should be fun to find out!  Bring it on, Clomid!

Weekend in Music City

So this one is a little late since all this went down last weekend, but better late than never.  Nashville was pretty awesome and we loved it there!  We stayed at the Gaylord Opryland Hotel, the most beautiful hotel I've ever seen.  We toured the Parthenon and Ryman Auditorium.  We ate at some pretty great places including City House, Marche and Jack's Bar-B-Que.  We took a NashTrash tour of downtown with the Jugg sisters, and one sister tried to smother a guy with her bosom.  At one point they called me a whore, but they pretty much called everyone a whore.  It was a great time, and I tried to photograph it as we went along.  I really hope we get to move there!

Smoky deliciousness

Setting up the stage at Ryman Auditorium

The in-laws at the Parthenon... cute couple!

The husband's wood-fired pizza at City House...
house made belly ham, mozzarella,
grana padano, oregano, chilies... yum!

The view from our balcony at Gaylord Opryland Hotel

Even prettier at night

The NashTrash tour big pink bus

The smothering!

I Hate PMS

If PMS were a person, I think I would strangle her then throw her out a window.

A Memorable Day

Three years ago today I got home from a long day at work to find a note from my then boyfriend taped to my front door.

"Meet me where we had our first kiss."

I remember being in scrubs and debating on whether or not I should change first, but I don't remember if I actually did or not.  I hope so though, as I was probably pretty smelly.  Anyways, I drove to Jack's Island (which is really more of a peninsula), a little area in a park that was about five minutes away and is where our first kiss occurred right before the park closed at 11pm four months earlier.

When I got there I parked my car and walked to the little river beach area where I found my handsome fella sitting on a blanket with two Jersey Mike's #13s waiting to be eaten.  He greeted me with "Happy Valentine's Day" and a kiss.  We sat on the blanket and he gave me my Valentine's Day gift.  It was a Book by You entitled Click for Love in which I am the main character and he is the man I fall in love with.  It was very appropriate because like the main characters, he and I also met online.

The entire time I was opening the present and looking at the book, he didn't seem too excited about it, like his mind was elsewhere.  I think I remember questioning him about this and I didn't have to wait long to find out.  He asked me, "How much do you love me?"  I replied, "So much!"  He then reached under the blanket behind him and pulled a white ring box out of a little hole he'd dug in the sand for it to wait in.

Nervously, he asked "Will you marry me?"

He opened the box and inside was the beautiful canary diamond ring my grandfather had given to my grandmother as an anniversary gift before I'd even been born.  I have always loved that ring and had pretty much made it public knowledge that I wanted it to be my engagement ring.

I was so happy!  Of course I said yes, and two and a half short months later he became my wonderful husband.

Headed to work the next morning

He was the first man I'd ever really let into my life who actually wanted to be there long-term.  Our dating and engagement periods were very short, but we both just knew almost immediately after getting together that it was right.  I am so thankful we're still just as happy today as we were then.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, this is what I'd gotten for him.

It was a bottle of wine from this site where you can design your own label.  Not as great as his gift, but he loved it.  I honestly don't remember if I took it with me when I went to meet him at the park but I certainly hope so, otherwise what a terrible girlfriend I was!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Brrrrr

Woke up this morning (♪ got yourself a gun ♫ ...oops... still in Sopranos mode) and felt a bit chillier than usual.  The husband likes the ceiling fan on at night all year round, so I figured it was just from that and hunkered down a little extra under the sheets.  Then I noticed both the dogs were cuddled right up against us seeking extra warmth, so it wasn't just me.  I looked up and the fan was off, then saw the alarm clock was black.  Great, the power's out again.  It has a habit of going out, and it seems we're the only people in our little neighborhood that it happens to.

Just as we were about to reluctantly drag ourselves out of our cozy bed, the house sprung to life and started whirring as the heat and all the appliances started back up.  But it was just a tease, and they all died again within seconds.  We got up, peed in the dark and then realized no power meant no coffee.  Ugggghhhh.  So the husband started getting ready to leave for work and was going to get some breakfast elsewhere, and I tried to decide if I wanted to go back to bed or not (I'm so lucky to have that option these days).  He started up the car and I just stood and stared at the thermostat.  It read 55 degrees.  Outside it was 9 degrees, making it the coldest morning we've had yet... figures.

This is what our back yard looks like right now, and
just looking at it this morning made it feel even colder.

As he was finishing getting ready, the house started whirring again and thankfully the power stayed on.  We got our coffee, and the husband took it to go.  I'm slowly defrosting right now as our heat is in overdrive, kicking it Emergency Heat style.

We're headed to Nashville tomorrow to celebrate my birthday (Doesn't 28 just sound old?  Looking at the number now, it doesn't, but I feel it.) with the in-laws who also have February birthdays.  Sunday the husband has an interview with a chef who's hopefully either going to offer him a job or help him find one in town.  That's what he said he'd do anyway, so fingers crossed.  Have a great weekend everyone!

Attempts at Photography

Lately I've been learning about my beautiful new camera and how to use all the different functions and settings.  I read each page of the manual and now I'm starting in on some books about digital photography.

One of the first few "lessons" in the book I'm reading now is about shooting flowers against white and black backgrounds.  I only have a random assortment of artificial flowers in the house, but I figured they'd do to start out with.  I got a little carried away and must have taken 200 pictures.  Complete novice that I am, only a few turned out maybe halfway decent, but I had the best time taking them!  I absolutely love it!

These are a few of my favorites...

 

Counting The Days

13... approximate days until my next cycle starts

17... days until I start taking Clomid

18... days until I turn into a basket case due to the Clomid (hopefully not though)
25... days until it's time to start baby-makin!

30... days until I start obsessing over every "symptom" convinced it's because I'm totally knocked up

If everything goes according to plan and my body cooperates, that is.  I got the official go-ahead Friday to start taking Clomid next cycle, and I can't wait!  This month has been pure torture with so much waiting and counting down.  I started temping and using OPKs again just to make sure that I'm ovulating, which I'm pretty sure I did, but a couple of days late.  That's okay though.

The problem has been the no sex thing.  I'm nearing the end of my 30-day waiting period for the anti-depressants to work their way out of my system, and that's meant no nookie during the fertile days.  Paranoid chick that I am, it also meant none for the entire week or so before those days too.

So of course that would be the time the primal force inside which demands to reproduce started screaming "Must get busy!  Must get busy right now!!"  It was pretty adamant, and I think I got the female equivalent of blue balls at least once.  I've read that you tend to get more aroused when you're about to ovulate which is nature's way of ensuring procreation.  I've never really gotten that way around O time in the past but boy did I last week, the one time I couldn't do a damn thing about it.  Lets hope it comes back around next month.  

Lets also hope the husband continues working mornings and the roommate continues working evenings too, or else it could get awkward again.

Cannolis & Gravlax

I haven't posted any cooking adventures here lately, but I really want to today because these two things turned out so well!  No, they weren't eaten together, but separately they were just heavenly.

We've been watching all of The Sopranos episodes and every time cannolis have been mentioned the husband and I have wanted to try to make them.  We finished the series and finally broke down a couple of days ago and made some.  This recipe is the one we went off of.  We followed all the directions except for using cannoli tubes, which we don't have.  We ended up creating makeshift tubes with aluminum foil, and they worked pretty well.  The cannolis turned out beautiful to us, although they probably wouldn't have cut it at a bakery.  It was our first attempt though, and they tasted great which is the important thing!

The past few days we'd also been curing a little piece of salmon to make gravlax.  When we discovered just how easy it is we decided we had to give it a shot too!

No real recipe for this one though.  Take a piece of salmon, remove any skin, and coat each side with a mixture of equal parts salt and sugar and also peppercorns and fresh dill.  Double wrap it in plastic wrap, place in a pan (we used a cake pan), cover with another pan and weigh down (we used a big soup can).  Place the whole thing in the fridge, flip the salmon every 12 hours, and it should be ready in 2-3 days.  So easy!

I tried to cut it at an angle at thinly as possible, but I'm still working on my knife skills.

After I cut my nice chunks, I piled them on top of a bagel with cream cheese, one of my favorite things in this world.  It was so wonderful!

Yummmmm!

And, oh yeah, I'm still doing the Special K "Challenge".  That bagel with a cannoli for dessert has been my one "sensible meal" a day for the past two days and probably will be again today.  I just can't stop!  I keep hoping the Alli will make up for the lack of sensibility in it.  I have lost a few pounds so far, so yay!

Am I A Bitch?

I think I'm turning into one.  I'm not sure when it started and I don't really like it.  I used to be very tolerant of a lot of things, but now I'm finding I have a shorter temper and am becoming, well, kinda bitchy.

I was upset with the husband last night about the smallest things, and I kept saying things to try to make him feel bad about it.  It wasn't fair to him at all, but I wanted him to be sorry, dammit!  He totally was, but at the moment it didn't seem like he was sorry enough, which is so stupid.  I kept going on about it like I wanted to start a fight or something.  Why would I want to do that?  It's not just towards him either.  There were several people yesterday alone I wanted to go off on.

I got upset that I was doing that and acting all angry.  Then I got upset that I can't express an angry emotion without feeling bad about it.  Why can't I just express what I feel without feeling guilty about how it's affecting the other person?  I want to be angry and yell when I feel like it with no thought of another's feelings and no repercussions.<-----Then I realized that thought right there is what's turning me into a bitch.

Am I five years old?  What's with this wanting to throw a tantrum?  Geez...  When did I get like that?  Have all these years of worrying about how I'm coming across to other people finally worn me down?  Am I starting to just not care anymore?

The husband did forgive me over and over again as I kept going on and on last night.  I so don't deserve him sometimes, but thank goodness he loves me.

Random Stories

A few years ago I was involved in a freak hammock accident.  People laugh when they first hear that, but it really is a true story.  It was early summer 2007 and I was hanging out with some friends in their back yard.  They had a hammock strung securely up between two trees, and two of us climbed in and laid down while the other gently pushed us back and forth as we enjoyed the warm summer breeze.  Then she started pushing us higher like the hammock was a giant swing.  We were having a great time, but then it went bad. 

Whatever it was that had secured the hammock to the tree broke, and we went flying away head first.  We were up on a little landing (I guess that's the right word for it?) and went soaring in the direction of the drop off.  When it was all over we'd flown about six feet over and had fallen about six feet down onto hard concrete.

The girl in the hammock with me was a dancer and I guess her reflexes kicked in.  She kind of rolled when she hit the ground and was immediately back up on her feet.  I, on the other hand, landed flat on my back and had the breath knocked out of me.  It took a few seconds for it to come back and was kinda scary.  I tried to tough it out, but after a couple of weeks my back still hurt and my chest had started to also.  I ended up getting x-rays which said I was fine, but my back kept hurting pretty bad for about a month.

This is the actual hammock. It looks
all innocent hanging back there by
the pool, but don't be deceived!

A little before that freak accident I had met the guy that is now the husband.  We didn't really know each other that well yet and were testing out the friend waters, although he wanted it to be more.  He kept asking me out for friendly activities, and I repeatedly had to decline because of my back.  At first he didn't buy any of it and totally thought I was just blowing him off because I didn't want to hang out.  Then he came over to watch The Office one night and saw me all pitiful and in pain after work lying on the couch with an old lady heating pad.  Attractive, right?

On another Office night I had a cold and he came over with soup and cranberry juice and even brought my cat some treats.  How sweet he was!  For some reason I didn't drink the juice right then but later used it as a mixer for a lovely alcoholic beverage when I was all better.  I remember him not appreciating that so much.  The soup was good though.

A few months after the hammock incident I was at a local festival with some friends, and three of us were sitting on a wide bench-type swing.  Another person came to sit on one of our laps, and then we started gently swinging.  After a few seconds I started to get paranoid.  I kind of thought out loud and said "I'm having a little hammock flashback."  The very moment the guy sitting next to me finished remarking "Aw, don't say that", the chain broke on one end and we all ended up on the ground.  That guy ended up bruising his leg pretty bad.  It totally wasn't my fault, but I felt really bad the rest of the day.