Butterflies

They're coming back... those butterflies you get in a new relationship.  But it's not new, of course, it's with the ex-bf.  We hung out Sunday night and had an a-m-a-z-i-n-g time.  We mesh really well again.  We had our first sleepover last night.  I took the dog and went to his place.  It was nice sleeping next to him.  We're finally taking our day trip this Sunday, and I'm excited to see how it goes

Part of me wonders if I'm still just holding on to him because it's comfortable.  The other part keeps saying that the butterflies and thinking about him all the time now really mean something.  I wonder if he'll want to talk about what we're doing anytime soon, or if he's cool just letting it ride for awhile.  Neither of us has even tried to approach the subject at all.  I'm okay with that right now.

In other news, I had a fabulous weekend with my "sisters".  Two of the out-of-towners were here, one with husband and baby in tow.  We all went to the beach and watched a surfing competition for a bit...

We went out to eat a few times and hung out at their parents' house playing games and talking.  It was a wonderful time, and I miss them dearly.  An adorable picture of me and my nephew got me thinking how I look like I could be a mother.  Seeing that picture made me want it even more.  But what else is new?

I did have a hard time at one place we went though.  It's a cute little shop at the beach that we always went to when we were in high school.  We went back there Sunday, and it hadn't changed it bit.  The girl behind the counter was talking to one sis's baby and commenting on the preggo-ness of the other sister.  She then said that she's pregnant too.  It was all "Oh, congratulations!  That's so exciting!", "Congrats to you too!", "When are you due?", etc.  I had to leave the store.  And of course the sisters were all oblivious to how it affected me, but that's okay.  They've got their happy, children-filled lives and should enjoy it.  I sucked it up and kept my mouth shut.  The husband of one came out and sat with me, but didn't say anything.  Maybe he got it.  Maybe he was just tired of being in the store though.

Anyways, I'm off today but feeling under the weather.  Gonna be lazy with soup, Mad Men, knitting and cuddling with my puppy.  Happy trails.

Puppy

I almost brought home this little one today.

She's an approximately twelve-week-old husky or malamute who was found on the side of a road.  I fell in love with her the minute I saw her sweet face.  She's got one brown eye and one blue, just like my current pup!  She was hungry, tired and covered in fleas and ticks.  She was mellow and just lied there while I went over her getting all the bad bugs off.  After her bath she almost fell asleep wrapped up in a towel in my arms.

I was so close to bringing her home for a trial run tonight but ultimately decided I shouldn't.  It was a hard decision (just look at that face!), but I feel it was the right one.  It would be one thing to take in either of the exs' dogs whose personalities I already know, but a puppy is a totally different story.  I'm not ready to train another pup.  I like how my current dog is totally housebroken and not at all destructive.  I'm definitely not ready to train another pup.  She'll find a good home with someone who can give her all the time she needs.

In other news, here are some updates:  I am not pregnant.  The roommate's sister and baby are not moving in.  She and I are back to our old awesome roommate ways now.  The ex-bf and I never took that day trip, but maybe this weekend or next.  I broke my lawnmower and almost chopped off my thumb, but not to worry... there's a new heavy duty swirly whirligig in town, and all my digits are in tact!

Hi There

Things have been good so far this week.  Other than a sprained ankle, I've been okay.  Thought I might be pregnant, but I think it's just side effects from the meds.  I'll find out next week.  I've actually been starting to fall for the ex-bf again.  We're still hanging out once a week, and things are amazing between us.  So far we've just been hanging out at his house mostly, but we're taking a day trip Sunday.  We'll see how that goes.  Maybe we could be right for each other.  Maybe over this next year we'll keep dating and see how it goes.  I don't know if that's smart or not, but I'm just kinda playing it all by ear.  It's not like anyone else is beating my door down.  Although I'm really not putting myself out there at all.  I could reach out to the professor and see if he's still interested, but it makes me nervous.  He knows I'm single now and hasn't contacted me.  Haven't really heard from him since February.  I don't know.  I'm not ready for more dating rejection yet.  Not sure if I'm ready for someone new anyway.

Had a Skype date with my sister and nephew this morning and am so excited that they're coming into town next weekend.  I miss them.  Had dinner and good conversation with my other sister and niece last night.  We all played, then the little one went to bed and we watched True Blood.  So much better this season.  Been watching Dexter with the ex-bf every Sunday night, and it'll be interesting to see how they end it.  I'm obsessed with How I Met Your Mother lately.  Since I'm back to no TV or cable, I've been Netflix-ing the entire series and watching it for the first time.  Love it!

So yep, that's my boring mini update.  Nothing much going on.  Just working and going day by day.  Exciting stuff.

And so, on this lazy day of doing nothing but resting my ankle, I leave you with a pic of my napping creatures just because they're adorable.

Step Back!

It seems like it's still one thing after another with no break.  People keep interfering and making me feel like crap.  They have good intentions and are just trying to help but they're not.  

One young guy at work is asking about my dating life and telling me I should get out more.  But don't do to a bar because he only goes there for one thing.  I should go to The YMCA... a lot of people meet there.  What?!  Shut the fuck up, guy!  Didn't I just tell you I don't really want to date yet?  You're a twenty something player and you really think I'm going to listen to your advice?

My roommate invites me out to hang with her friends an hour away and kinda makes me feel bad when I say no.  I gotta work tomorrow and don't feel like driving two hours round trip to hang out with a bunch of people I don't know.  Unlike you, I can't make friends with everyone I meet, and watching you have a good time while I nurse a beer and attempt to not look like I feel awkward does not sound like a good time to me.  It's not your responsibility to get me out of my shell.  I'm going through a rough spot and will venture out when I feel up for it.

Recently I asked my sister to take down a pic of me she had just posted on FB because it was not flattering at all.  Last night she emails me a story of a lady who calls herself fat in front of her daughter and allows her husband to comment negatively on her weight, which leads to the daughter having a bad self image.  She attached a note about how important positive body image is "for ourselves and our children".  First off, I would not ever say anything like that in front of a daughter and I would never allow a man to talk to me like that, much less in front of my children.  Secondly, who really wants an unflattering picture of themselves on FB for all to see?  So back off!  I'm not happy with my weight and am self-conscious, but I'm working on it.  I'm sorry I'm not as confident as you and don't want to strut down the beach in a bikini with my belly flopping all about like you do.

This next one isn't personal but it aggravates me.  My boss is considering hiring a pregnant lady.  She just got married and they just found out about the pregnancy.  She's qualified, but it's a very physically demanding position.  It's being on your feet all day, bending, lifting, handling huge dogs and chemicals constantly.  She wouldn't be able to work with the cats.  If it were me, I would be terrified to potentially injure myself and/or the little life I'd be growing in a position like that.  It just doesn't seem smart.  I really don't want to come to work every day to see her belly getting bigger.

All this in the past 36 hours.  I just want to yell and scream sometimes.  

Le Sigh

I'm sitting at home on my day off having a cup of coffee right now.  But I should have just left a hotel in West Virginia and be heading back home.  I was supposed to get my old dog back yesterday.  The one it broke my heart to leave behind when the ex-husband and I split up.  Last week he decided he couldn't give her the kind of life she deserved anymore and had asked me to take her.  It was supposed to be a done deal, and I was so excited.  I arranged for time off of work and started making plans to meet him halfway.  Then he changed his mind.  Again.  I should have known better.  I think I cried for an hour straight when he told me.  Once again I had allowed myself to get my hopes up and once again I was devastated.  I'm not getting my little girl back.  :'(  He better step up and take better care of her.

I'm angry.  At so many things right now, and I don't know how to start getting them all out here.  And hurt.  By so many people and things.  I've been trying to work through all my feelings, but I think I'm just pushing them down.  Telling myself I've forgiven and moved on, when I've really just been keeping things amicable and trying to forget.

I finally got the anti-depressants yesterday and I don't even know what I hope they'll accomplish anymore.  I think I've felt crappy for so long now that I'd accepted it as the status quo of my life.  I've taken them before and I honestly don't remember how I felt when on them.  I remember running hot, being tired a lot and feeling a brain fog at times, but I don't remember how I felt emotionally.  Hopefully they'll do something positive.

Fabulous Fourth

What a beautiful day it has been!  Got to sleep in and had cinnamon rolls and coffee for breakfast.  Later morning, the roommate and I headed out for Independence Day celebrations downtown.  First we heard the drum and fife band and watched them march up to the palace doors...

 

 

We parked ourselves in the grass and listened to a reading of the Declaration of Independence...

Then we walked around the gardens and took lots of pictures...

What I imagine to be the entrance to a secret garden

 

 

Gorgeousness all around!  It was fantastic.  After our little self-guided tour of all the grounds, we headed further downtown and walked the streets.  We went into a little store, and I had my first ever ice cream float.  We visited a friend working at a local outdoors shop.  We passed a group on the street handing out mini American flags that had been in the ground at a local memorial for fallen soldiers.  Each flag represented a life lost in Iraq, and I almost teared up hearing the story as I was handed one.  I really am lucky.

Just as it was getting almost too hot to bear, the slightest sprinkling came down to cool us off, continuing our local streak of at least (gotta be by now!) two weeks straight of rain every single day.  It's been ridiculous.

But today has been fabulous, and I've highly enjoyed it.  I'm hanging with the ex-bf this evening and trying to convince him to go see fireworks with me.  I haven't been to a display since 2009, I believe.  Although I'm not sure if I want to be out in all the heat again waiting for darkness to fall.  We shall see.

Baby Bird

This is my new little friend...

He/she chills outside in the back yard when it's nice out.  He's usually somewhere on the patio or camouflaged against the fence.  Momma is around sometimes, but it's usually just the little one.  He doesn't seem too scared of me, as he doesn't move when I go outside and lets me get pretty close for pictures.

I've never seen him fly, but he can surely hop.  He was right by the door one evening, and I didn't see him when letting the dog out.  The pup took off after him, and I got to them as the bird got to the fence and had nowhere else to go.  I think the pup was curious more than anything, but he scared the mess out of baby birdie.

It'll be interesting to see how long he sticks around.