Thursday, June 30, 2011

It's Moving Day!

Starting it out with coffee, yogurt and cream cheese slathered bagels.  It's gonna be a good day.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

I will...

This week I move into my new house.  This is going to be my fresh start.

I will be a new woman.  I will no longer second guess myself.  I will no longer question if I could or would have done anything differently.  I will stop believing I wasn't good enough.  I will stop lingering in the past. 

I will look ahead.  I will reaffirm to myself every day until I thoroughly believe it that I do have something to offer.  That I do my best to be a good person and that I will be happy again.  That I will love again.  That I will trust again.

Because I will.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

I want...

I want physical contact.  I want to feel like someone wants me.  I want to be kissed passionately.  I want someone to touch me out of desire and lust.  I want someone to want me in their bed, to want to be in mine.  I want to wake up in someone's arms and feel safe again.  Feel like I can be who I am without fear of rejection or abandonment.  Feel that he actually wants to be with me too, damn the torpedoes.  Feel like a woman again, not a broken version of one.

I know that's probably not practical right now, but that's what I want.

Pecan, cashew, macadamia...

I've been so up and down lately, it's driving me nuts.  

Sign the lease... yay!  It really sinking in that I'm single and living semi-alone... boo!

Get a real bed and say goodbye to air mattress... yay!  Such a big bed and no one to share it with... boo!

Reconnecting with old friends... yay!  Only to have them move away... boo!

Dog/cat/kitten sitting for a friend... yay!  While they're happily married and on their babymoon... yay for them, but boo!  Sleep in their future nursery with a high-chair as a night stand... boo!

Play with their new one-week old kittens... yay!  Keep calling the new mother cat "Mama" and realizing that she's only been alive for one year and is already a mother, while I've been alive a lot more years and am nowhere close... boo!  (Yes, I realize that comparison is totally ridiculous, but still, it bugs me.)

Up and down like that with multiple sets of new yays and boos every freakin day.  Gotta get some booze for those boos soon... ha!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011


Endo kicked my ass today.  I was at work and then POW... out for the count.  Stuck it out til about one, then headed home and slept the rest of the freakin day away.  I am exhausted.  I hurt.

Bowing Out

I think Player 4 has now left the game.  That makes three guys who said they wanted to go out again but didn't really mean it.  I'm starting to think I'm the common denominator here.  I think I need a break.

Monday, June 20, 2011


It's weird how life works.  For a year I was terrified to go back to work, and now work is the only place I want to be.  When I'm at work I have things to focus on, tasks to accomplish, lots of people to talk to.  I get to forget about life and be in a totally different mindset.  I feel confident and self-assured.  I don't have time to think about much else but what needs to be done.

But when I leave, my mind is free to think about other things.  Things I don't want to think about.  Things I thought I'd moved passed and gotten over.  Things I've actually only pushed down, tried to ignore and want to go away.  I used to love my alone time, but now I want to be constantly surrounded by people.  I need them to distract me.

I want to fast-forward a few months to a time when I hope I'll feel more at peace.

Sunday, June 19, 2011


Heard this song today and haven't been able to get it out of my head since...

Don Henley - The Heart of the Matter

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old, true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck, and the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are those voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment and beg for something more?

I'm learning to live without you now

But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been tryin' to get down to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertain

There's a yearning undefined
...people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age?
The trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition
Cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us doesn't keep me warm

I'm learning to live without you now

But I miss you, baby
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I'd figured out
I have to learn again
I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter
But everything changes and my friends seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

There are people in your life who've come and gone

They let you down and hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; life goes on
You keep carryin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside

I've been tryin' to get down to the heart of the matter

But my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

I've been tryin' to get down to the heart of the matter

Because the flesh will get weak and the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me 

I ♥ Sushi

Not sure how I'm feeling right now.  Went out with the new guy last night and had a really great time, but it ended right after our fantastic sushi dinner and our previous plans for doing something afterwards were completely dropped and kicked under the car.  He said he had a good time and wants to go out again, but I've heard that before.

So when our date ended at eight freakin thirty, I checked my phone and had a message from new awesome roommate saying she wanted to hang out.  Spent the rest of the night with her at the park talking about absolutely everything under the moon.  I love her.  I've never had a friendship progress so fast and so naturally.  I think she's meant to be in my life right now for one reason or another.

Why can't it be that easy with guys?

Thursday, June 16, 2011

All Good Things

We got the house!!!  We get to move in at the end of the month, and I can't wait!  We flipped a coin for the master suite, and I totally got it, big closet and all.  She gets the two smaller bedrooms, so technically she has more square footage than I do, but I totally don't care.  I get the bigger private bathroom.

I get to wear a bra again!  Yes, that is actually something to get excited about.  I got really sunburned last weekend and haven't been able to wear anything with straps.  So I've been making due with this tube top/not really tube top thing.  It offers no support and has slipped down on more than one occasion, leading to very obvious and awkward adjustments in front of the new roommate and total strangers, including a client at work.

I held a real baby for more than five minutes yesterday!  That's got to be a record.  I'm obsessed with babies, yet I've never really been around them much.  A former co-worker stopped in yesterday to say hello, and I got to hold her 3-month-old little man while she made the rounds.  He was so adorable, and he only really cried for a second or so... I usually bring forth a lot more tears than that from babies.

And last but not least, a Player 4 has entered the game. We started by texting, which was followed with some very nice phone conversations, and we're going to meet for drinks this weekend.  I'd had good feelings about Players 1 & 3 at the end of their respective dates which turned out to be completely wrong, but I've got a really good feeling about this one.  We're actually having successful phone conversations which is a big plus cause I can be really awkward on the phone.  He seems genuinely interested and a little intrigued from our diverse topics of conversation.  He makes me laugh. :)

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Creepy forests, yellow flip flops, gummy bears...

I got to hang out with a 4-year-old today.  We had some serious talks about baby foxes and trains in the sky, among many other very important things.

I think I'll be a good mom.  I can't wait to find out, but I'm sad that it's going to be awhile.

Until then I'll just have to keep kidnapping all my friends' little children...


Monday, June 13, 2011

Fingers Crossed!

The new roommate and I put in an application for the perfect house today!  The house I mentioned a couple of days ago was actually perfect house #2 because really perfect house #1 had already been rented.  Buuuttt.... that person's new job fell through so it was offered to us!  It's literally three doors down from the other and is the exact same size and layout, but has a much larger fenced back yard and is on a cul-de-sac.  I think I'm in love!

So, yeah, if all goes well and it gets approved, we move in July 1st!  We're having a meeting of my dog and her cats tomorrow.  My dog grew up with my cat and sometimes I think he thinks he is a cat, so I'm not worried.  We're going to get lunch after that and take him to the dog park.  He's going to love getting out of the kennel for a little while.  Can't wait to take him HOME!

New awesome roommate and I are already planning the layout of furniture and putting together a house warming party!  I absolutely cannot wait.  I think it's going to be a great fresh start. :)

Saturday, June 11, 2011

♪ I like to move it, move it... ♫

Went to the beach today.  Applied very generous amounts of sunscreen multiple times and still burned.  Oh, how it hurts... ugh.  Not very interesting, I know, but just wanted to throw that out there.

Much more importantly, I found a roommate this week!!  She's freakin awesome and I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.  I hope so anyway... I'll be living with her for at least the next year.  She was the second of only two people to respond to my ad for a roommate.  The first was a guy who said, "i'm a little older than u wanted but i don't c why that matters."  I replied with, "I've always found it kind of awkward to live with someone when there's a big age difference.  If you don't mind me asking, how old are you?"  To which he said, "i look 35 but act 40."  Thanks.  That really clarifies things.  So, yeah, very happy to have found a nice girl my age who I think will be a blast to live with.

Now we're working on finding a house.  We're second in line for the perfect one... 3 bed/2 bath with a big fenced yard, allows pets and is on the lower end of our price range!  Just hoping the people ahead of us who are house hunting this weekend decide to go with another one they see.  Even if we don't get it though, there's an absolute ton of good rentals around here, so I'm sure we'll find something.

My parents have been super nice about absolutely everything, but it's time to go.  When you've been out on your own for almost ten years and are used to doing things your own way, it's hard to move back home and be "under their roof" again.  It's been interesting, but I'm ready to be a grown-up again.  I'm ready to drink a glass of wine in my living room again too, instead of quietly in my room after they've retired for the evening.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Foolish Games

Player 1:  Doctor... educated, so should (using that term loosely) be mature.  Hugs me goodbye, asks for my number, and asks if I'd like to visit him for our next date.  One week later, no word from Mr. Smart Guy.  Oh, turns out I'm just too damn far away for his liking.

Player 2:  Navy veteran... nice guy, but no social skills.  Drives me flippin crazy before the end of the date.

Player 3:  Pretty country boy with a cute accent and nice tan... has been hurt in the past and understands what I'm going through.  Have a lot in common, mirroring body language, he hugs at the end of the date and sends a sweet text a few minutes later.  Text him this afternoon, days later, no reply.

Players 1 & 3... I very much like, but apparently the feelings aren't mutual.  Player 2... Of course this guy wants a second date, but I fib and tell him I'm not ready to date after all, but I'm really afraid I might tell him to shut his freakin trap five minutes into the next date.  That wouldn't bode well for our future.

So why do the nice boys I like act like they like me back, then turn all cowardly and forget their manners?  Why's it gotta be the social freak who calls?

This isn't looking promising.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Ups and Downs

I last wrote about four days ago, and it seems like so much has happened since then.  Thursday I had a very weird date.  The guy was super nice, but kinda strange.  The highlight of the evening was when a random kid ran right up to me and got a little fresh.  He couldn't have been more than two, so I didn't hold it against him.  He had down syndrome and the brightest blond hair I think I've ever seen.  He looked right in my eyes and gave me the biggest smile.  Then his older brother came to retrieve him and shot me a look like I was about to kidnap him or something.  I won't lie... I thought about it.

Anyways, I got all sad after the date and ended up calling the husband that night.  I just really wanted to hear his voice.  He's still the one who knows me the best, and I want to talk to him all the time.  The conversation was really short and awkward, but he was very nice about it.

Then Friday and Saturday nights were much needed girls nights.  Margaritas at El Cerro with some coworkers after work Friday, then The Hangover 2, dessert downtown and a long chat in the park with friends last night.  Had lunch with another friend, her husband and their new little baby boy today.  He screamed every time I touched him, but then he'd smile at me.  Broke and melted my heart one after the other.

This afternoon was the best part though.  I had a date with a guy who really seems to like me back.  Good conversation and he's cute as hell.  He sent me a text about five minutes after he left that said "That was really nice".  I hope this one wants to stick around for a date number two.

Tomorrow I start my photography class!!!  Don't remember if I've said anything about it before, but it's a beginners digital course one night a week for eight weeks over the summer.  I have to bring in samples of my previous "work" and hopefully I won't have to get up in front of the entire class and show everyone.  Here's a little collage of some of the pics I'm taking in.  I'm excited. :)

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

My Back Hurts

The trip to Mississippi was fast but also very long.  An absolute ton of driving in only a little over 48 hours, but look at that happy dog...

...totally worth it!  My preggo road-tripping friend was kind enough to accompany me and got to experience MS for the first time.  We totally saw an armadillo.  Just saying...

Yesterday I got the official divorce paperwork in the mail needing resigning and re-notarization.  Apparently the judge doesn't like DIY divorce paperwork, although that's what the lady at the court told us to do.  Anyways, got that done today, then got to unload a moving truck in 95-degree weather.  It was a shipping company, not official "movers", so my mom and I got to do the heavy lifting.  Luckily she knew the driver (he had actually asked her out many, many moons ago), and he helped us with the really heavy stuff.  Then I went back to work and rearranged the whole store.  It was a long day.

But my puppy is here and my stuff is here, and that's all that matters now.  I'm still exhausted, but looking forward to a real day off on Sunday! :)