Saturday, November 15, 2014

No Matter What

I've been thinking about marriage a lot lately.  Maybe it's because the boyfriend and I are getting closer to official engagement and have been talking about it more often.  Maybe it's because we've been discussing other long-term plans more.

Maybe it's because I had a dream about the ex-husband a few days ago.  I think he was more symbolic than anything because in the dream marriage was forever by law, and he was legally required to move in with me.  We were sitting in the kitchen discussing our lives and what had happened between us in the past.  I won't lie... I woke up missing him a little.

But more than anything I was left wanting that forever-no-matter-what commitment.  Which I feel mostly confident enough to say now I think I've got with the boyfriend.  I would say I know I have it, but if I've learned anything from the past it's that people and minds change.  You just never know.  But I do know that he's the one I want to try to have it with.

I love him so much, but sometimes he makes me so mad and to the point that I wonder why we're still together.  Why I kept going back to him.  Why I still love him.  But every day he shows me how he loves me, and when I look at him, even through that anger I want my life to unfold next to him.  I want our lives to play out together.  I want to see what the future has for us.

I heard a part of Sonnet 116 recently, and it's been repeating in my head.  Who knows if I'm interpreting it correctly, but here's what I got out of it.  I like to think we have that strong love now.  I realize that I bended in the earlier part of our relationship.  I was the remover.  He is like no one I had been with before, and some of that scared me.  I didn't think I could be happy with him.  But then again, I'm not sure I was fully in love at that point.  I believe I was on the way, but I wasn't there yet.

My heart knew better though and wouldn't allow me to fully let him go.  It continued to tell me to give it another shot.  I'm glad it did.