Hello Again

This probably won't become a regular thing, so don't get your hopes up, but I want to write... something.  I've debated if it should be in a journal or just a note on my phone. Then I remembered this place, but it felt kind of weird coming back here. Even though this has been my safe space, I think I was using it in the wrong way. I feel I became self-indulgent here, and I don't want to do that again. 

My life is completely different now, and even though I have a lot of the same feelings and emotional struggles, I think I'm in a better place mentally to not go down that road again. With my bouts of depression and anxiety I tend to get really down, and it's been happening more lately. I believe quite a bit of it has been due to the holidays and missing my mother so much; I am still so very sad that she's not around to know her grandson, especially this time of year. But through everything a single thought keeps coming back and hitting me…

I have everything I’ve always wanted out of life.

Yes, there are things I'd still like to do and places I want to see and live, but the one main dream I've had for my life has come to be. How incredible is that? How lucky am I? 

I've found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Together we created this perfect little human being who happens to be the coolest little dude I've ever met. I wasn't sure I'd get to experience any of that.

My heart now swells daily, and I am so very thankful for that.

I can't believe it's 2019

I'm back.  We'll see how long it lasts this time, right?  Over a year since I've written... geez.

A brief chronological summary since we last spoke...
- The boyfriend and I are great and are planning marriage and kids.
- My biological father passed away.
- Endometriosis is back.
- Went on keto diet and lost a lot of weight.
- We bought a new house so we could all live together.
- Sold my house very quickly and renting out stepdad's house.
- Vacationed in Turks & Caicos... damn it was beautiful.
- Stepdad died a little before Christmas.

Damn.

Okay, that's about all I can muster for now.  Hopefully I'll be able to write more later.

Holiday Update

I don't think I've ever gone this long without writing here.  So much has happened.  I left my job and moved in with my stepdad back in September.  His health has been so up and down, sometimes doing a 180 from one day to the next.  He kept having mini strokes, and about a month or so ago he started having seizures.  I don't know how his body continues to take on so much stress.

He's still distraught over the loss of Mom, which is completely understandable.  I am too.  But now, when I really need the man to be my father, it's like he completely forgets that I too lost the single most important person in my life.  I'm struggling with that.

Our days are fairly routine... wake up, breakfast, then he snoozes until his hospice aid comes for his daily "washing up".  Thank goodness I haven't had to take that on.  I mean, I would if I had to, but with my back, I'm not sure I physically could.  Anyways, while she's at the house, I get out for about an hour to run any errands or try to get to the gym for a bit.  We play golf on the PlayStation for a majority of the afternoon which seems to take his mind off his grief and pain for a little while at least.  If he's doing well enough after dinner, I go to my home to spend a couple of hours with the boyfriend and the pets.  Head back to the house, make sure he's comfortable for the night and that all meds have been taken and are prepared for the next day.  Try to sleep.  Wash, rinse, repeat.

I hope it doesn't sound like I'm complaining.  I am truly grateful for whatever time he has left, and I'm glad I'm able to take care of him.  But lately, it's just seemed so hard.  Maybe it's the holidays.  I'm missing Mom terribly.  I thought I'd be okay, but the closer to Christmas it gets, the more I seem to be unraveling.

And as usual, I'm also freaking out about if I'll ever get to have kids.  The boyfriend and I have been together well over a year now, and I'm fairly confident he's the one.  I can't imagine being without him.  I had a feeling he might propose sometime over the holidays, but I guess we'll see.  In less than two months I will turn 35 years old, and I keep feeling like it's now or never for kids.  My endo pain seems to get a little stronger each month, and I'm so scared that if I don't do it soon, then it truly may not be possible for me.  We haven't used protection almost the whole time we've been together, and nothing.

How the hell would that work anyway?!  He lives in my two-bedroom house, and I live in my stepdad's two bedroom house.  If I were to get pregnant, WTF would we do?  Either house would be too small, and I don't know if moving my stepdad would even be an option.  Not to mention, he wouldn't do well with my pets, and getting rid of them is not going to happen.

I feel like everything is stacking up, and I'm freaking out.  I just don't know what to do.  I think I'm going to look for a therapist next month.

My Mom Died

It's taken me a month to write that down.  Well, tomorrow will be a month, and I'm still in shock.  I can't believe she's gone.  It happened so fast and was completely unexpected.  We really thought she had more time.  I think her body was just tired and couldn't keep going.

These past four weeks have been full of estate things and taking care of my step-dad, who is not doing well at all.  He had a stroke a few days before she passed and had another last week.  The grief and stress has taken a huge toll on his body.  He's in a lot of pain, has gotten very weak, and gets confused very easily.  I see him every day but will probably have to move in with him soon.  He probably shouldn't be living alone now, but he's fighting me on moving in.  He's been in hospice care for awhile now and has people out to see him throughout the week, a nurse coming twice a week.  I guess we'll see.

I remember a few times in the past (most recently a few months ago when a co-worker's mother passed away... before Mom was diagnosed) thinking how I just wouldn't be able to deal if my mother were to die anytime soon.  I couldn't even comprehend the thought of being in this world without her.  But now, here we are, and part of me still can't fathom it.  It just seems so unreal.  Every now and then my mind will for just a split second think maybe she'll be back soon.  I have a few voicemails from her on my phone that I've listened to a couple of times.  When I hear her voice I think for sure she's at her house and that I'll see her soon.

I find myself feeling like I'm on auto-pilot lately.  I'm going about life just trying to do what I need to do, and it seems like it's never-ending.  I cry on and off, but I don't feel like I've had real time to grieve.  On days I work I'm just trying to get through, and every day off is mostly filled with trying to take care of everything that needs to be done with her estate, their house and bills, his errands and trying to get him out of the house for a bit.  All while trying to spend some quality time with my boyfriend who really has been amazing and so supportive through all of this. I'm very lucky to have him.

I did get a tattoo for her the other day though.  It has her handwriting, a Christmas tree, and swirling snow.  She loved the holiday season and always got so excited when it snowed, and that's how I want to remember her.  I'm so going to miss our yearly trips to a store a few towns away when it gets all set up for the holidays.  We would wander around it for a couple of hours looking at everything and then we'd go to lunch.  We both loved it and looked forward to it every year.

I miss her so very much.

Small Update

So my mom's doctor thinks he can give her two or three years, and she had her second round (session, dose, whatever) of chemo this week.  She's weak.  She's in pain.  She feels sick.  She can't really do anything but sit.  It's incredible how much of a 180 her life has taken in such a short amount of time.  My brain almost can't understand how this woman who has been so strong my entire life now can barely get out of her chair.  It's been so strange taking care of her when she has played the caretaker role herself for so long.  How is it that my stepdad has more energy than she does and is now taking on more than I thought was possible for him?  He loves her so much.

At least things with the boyfriend are good right now.  I finally met the last of his immediate family a couple of weeks ago.  We've been good since he moved in and even bought a new couch together.  No big issues or little annoyances have caused any problems.  We had a nice little talk on the beach after a few beers last week, which was nice.  Just kind of reconfirmed that we're there for each other no matter what.

I guess that's it for now.  I can't seem to get much out even though there are endless thoughts running through my head.

My Mom Has Cancer

Um.... what the fuck is happening right now?  I could very possibly lose both of my parents very soon.  How the hell is this happening?

A few weeks ago my mother started having some issues and went to have them checked out.  The doctors did numerous tests and procedures, and several days ago it was confirmed that she has cancer.  It's the exact same place my grandmother had it, but it's spread to other places in my mother.  It's not curable but is treatable.  She has her first appointment with a cancer specialist this week, so we'll know more soon.

I am just in shock.  She's always been my rock, and I can't even begin to fathom being without her.  Even now, she's so stoic about it all.  She says she's accepted it and is not scared of dying.  She doesn't want anyone to know, doesn't want a pity party, and wants my stepdad and me to remain optimistic.

I'm just... numb.  Even though she says she's not scared, she's got to be.  She says what worries her is the leaving people behind, and I can understand that.  But I'm so worried about what she'll be going through.  She says she has discomfort now, but no real pain.  She's noticeably weaker and loses energy very quickly.  She just retired and was looking forward to getting out and doing things, and now she can't.  It's so freakin heartbreaking.

I don't even know what else to say.  I can't seem to stop crying.

Happy Mother's Day.

Spinning

I feel overwhelmed.  My mind is spinning, going from one trouble to the next in a constant loop.  Freakin AF just arrived as well, so PMS has helped to fuel the fire.

First thing, my stepdad is not doing well.  His doctor said he might have around six months or so left with us, and he seems to be going downhill quickly.  We've known it was coming, but it's still absolutely heartbreaking.  My mom has decided to retire early so she can spend this time with him.  She actually has stayed home this week.  Apparently he had such a hard time this past weekend that they thought he might be having a stroke.  It's all so scary, and I can't even imagine what he's been feeling.  I know he's been in so much pain and is miserable.

Much less serious, but still troubles my mind is my ex-roommate.  He's been gone for about a month, but just when I think I'm done communicating with him, he'll text me about something.  Yesterday he rudely asked where his security deposit was.  I actually sent it to him two weeks ago, but who knows why he didn't see that.  I don't know why, but whenever I see his name on my phone I run cold and start shaking involuntarily.  He never did anything to my physically, but I guess it affected me mentally more than I thought.  And I should have kept a lot more of his security deposit than I did because his room was nasty.  The walls were stained and required painting, there was mold, and the carpet cleaner I rented brought up a massive ink stain that has been impossible to get out.  And there's a funky smell that's driving me crazy.  Ugh.

I learned yesterday that my ex-boyfriend now has a daughter.  The ex who left me in part because he decided he didn't want kids.  Apparently it was an accident from a fling that must have happened the second he was out of my house because the kid is well over a year old now.  Happy for him though if he's happy.

My now boyfriend who I love so very much is moving in with me this weekend.  I had been so excited about it, but now it feels like a cloud is hanging over us, and I'm a little worried.  It seems he's been going through a life crisis of sorts.  He's losing his job in a few months and has no idea what he wants to do.  He doesn't really want to move to my town (although he says he is happy for us to be moving in together) and he really doesn't want to stay in this area in general.

Last weekend we had a talk in which he said he hasn't felt close to me lately.  And he's scared of hurting me.  From day one I've been very open about the fact that I want kids and that I need to sooner rather than later.  He's known that and seemed to want the same.  Now he's saying that he doesn't want kids soon and is scared that he'll be wasting my time.

What the actual fuck.

I'm really hoping that he's just freaking about the big changes happening right now and will feel better once his life settles some.  I've decided that I'm not ready to give up on him.  I love him.  I can see us being forever.  As hard as it has been to wait this long, he's worth waiting a little while longer.

I'm hoping it's just my PMS affecting me, but for some reason since the talk I feel all weird when I'm around him.  Now I don't feel close to him.  I don't feel that all-encompassing love.  I mean, I do, but I keep holding back around him now.  I'm guessing I'm just scared that I will give him the time, but he'll decide to bail.

Because that's what has always happened.  And I'm terrified to go through it again and find myself that much older again and potentially with even less chance of getting pregnant.  But I've made my decision to give him time and now all I can do is hope for the best.

I'm sad today, so gonna write...

AF showed just before being five weeks late.  At that point I was just so ready for the waiting game to be over and to put the whole emotionally trying cycle behind me that I actually yelled out "YES!" when she arrived.  Luckily I was at home.  I spotted for a week after she was gone and have been having daily pelvic pain ever since.  This cycle is showing signs of being normal in terms of length so far, so I guess we'll see if I get back on track.

I'm actually really scared the endo is back now.  I was reading on my surgeon's website that it's pretty rare for it to come back after he does surgery, and that the pain is usually from something else and often adhesions.  So I don't know.  I want to call and talk to them just to get an opinion, but I'm scared of looking foolish and wasting their time.  And in reality, what can they really do?  Surgery isn't an option right now, and I have no desire to be put on any medications.  The pain isn't awfully bad, just an annoying everyday occurrence that I can tolerate for now.  I'm really just scared that my fertility is being affected again.

The boyfriend and I just had our six month anniversary, and he might be moving in with me in a month or two.  I can completely see him as the one, and we certainly are serious.  He even mentioned trying again when we found out I wasn't pregnant.  I'm really hoping we can try soon, and that's the main reason I don't want to take any drugs for this pain.

In other news, the boyfriend and I went out of town a couple of weekends ago to visit some of his friends I hadn't met before... a cute couple with two kids.  It was nice to meet them and just hang out.  We got in late Friday night and stayed up drinking and talking until 2:30 in the morning.  We all got trashed which mellowed us for the entire weekend.  We're not that young anymore apparently.  We took the kids to a park Saturday and did brunch Sunday followed by walking around downtown.  The boyfriend and I headed back early afternoon and just lazed around recuperating more for the rest of the day.  It was pretty perfect.

My stepfather was in the hospital for three days last week.  He's got end-stage COPD and he developed pneumonia.  It was scary.  Every time I saw him, he seemed okay, but he had rough nights there.  It's something like that that will eventually get the better of him, and every time he gets sick we get nervous.  He's been home for a couple of days now and is slowly getting better, for which I am very thankful.  His birthday is this weekend, and I'm very happy we'll be able to celebrate.

Difficult Day

It's Mother's Day, and I really didn't expect today to be so hard.  All week I've been focusing on my mom and the goodies I was giving her.  We celebrated yesterday, and it was so nice.  We spent the whole afternoon together, and my stepdad and I cooked her dinner.

Last night on FB I shared a blog someone posted that was aimed towards childless women on this holiday.  Even with that, I was posting more for the women I know who are battling infertility, thinking they would appreciate seeing it.  I still felt fine and not sorry for myself.  I figured today I would feel the same, but I don't.  I woke up to find FB filled with nothing but Mother's Day posts, which I totally expected, but it actually made me cry.  I knew I shouldn't have checked the site, but I really thought I would be unaffected.  Apparently not.

And I don't know why, but the fact that none of my "sisters" liked or even acknowledged my post really pisses me off.  I know they're in their own little Mother's Day bubbles and are happy there.  I know that they may feel awkward and not know what to say regarding my childless situation.  But still.  They know better than anyone how much I've always wanted children.  I know it's stupid, but it just would have been nice.  It's just one little click of a mouse.

Anyway, I called my mother to wish her a happy day once again.  I messaged my ex-boyfriend's mom to wish her one too.  She said she was having a quiet day at home, so I invited her out for a meal.  She didn't want to be at a busy restaurant today, so I'm taking her out to dinner tomorrow.  I'm so happy she and I are still friends.

Moving on, I met a fella.  On Tinder of all places.  He's retired military and is currently a full-time student studying to be a doctor.  So far he seems to be the perfect gentleman.  He's kind and affectionate, and we have similar stances on a majority of the big issues.  He lives a couple of hours away, so seeing him is tricky.

Our first date was at a halfway point.  We had lunch then talked for several hours.  He came to my town this past week on my day off, and we spent a majority of the day together.  Our first kiss was at a gorgeous spot in a nature park at sunset.  I was supposed to visit him today, but he's had to study for finals all weekend.  Maybe this coming week.

As much as he seems like a legit guy, I'm so scared.  At one point during our second date he pulled out his phone, and my instinct was to steal a glance at it.  And of course it was up on a text to someone with a female name.  It could be anyone.  Friend, family member.  But it was only our second date, and he could totally have been texting another potential date.  But if it was, it sucks that he was talking to her while on a date with me.  I did ask him after our kiss if he was dating anyone else, and he said no.

The point is, I hate my ex-boyfriend for turning me into this.  Before learning he cheated on me, I never would have looked at that phone or felt any paranoia like this.  I hate that my first instinct was to sneak a peek at it.  But to be fair, I still text Dakota guy every day, and we'll always be friends.  I've got to give him the benefit of the doubt.

It's so hard to put yourself out there knowing what can happen and how badly you can potentially get hurt.  But you have to fight through and hope that you will one day find what you're searching for.

It's Valentine's Day...

...so I'm home cuddling with my critters.  Not a terrible way to spend the day.  So much love coming from them!

I'm sick.  I've just got a cold, but it's freezing outside, and I don't want to do anything anyway.  I jinxed myself into it too.  Last weekend I was thinking how I'd made it this far into winter without getting sick and was all proud of myself.  So much for that.  I did have to miss going to see my parents yesterday though.  My stepdad's had pneumonia for a few weeks now, and we couldn't risk him getting any sicker.  My mom warned me again that this might do him in.  Which I knew.  As soon as he got sick again I knew.

My birthday was a couple of days ago.  Thirty-three.  Wow.  The girls at work went out of their way to make it special for me... decorations, gifts, cake.  It was really sweet.  I've been dieting and decided to treat myself to pizza and beer that night, which was fucking fantastic.  I'd started feeling sick that day and probably shouldn't have eaten all the junk, but it was delicious.

Got my final back injection last week.  It hurt pretty badly once again, but I've been feeling good since then.  They said this one should last longer, and I hope it does.  I'm going to stop pursuing treatment after this.  I'm tired of it and putting myself through the painful ordeal.  I'm just gonna deal with the pain from the scar tissue until it hopefully breaks up, or whatever it should do.

A new roommate is moving in in a couple of weeks.  A guy who will be staying about three months.  Hopefully we'll get along and everything will go smoothly while he's here.

I've been eye flirting with a very handsome fella at the gym.  We're there at the same time very frequently, and I swear I'd catch him looking at me.  So I started looking back.  We'd make brief eye contact occasionally, then one of us would look away.  About a week and a half ago he was walking across the room, and I caught his eye and smiled, and he smiled back.  I thought for sure he'd come talk to me, but nope.  The next time I saw him there I noticed him looking at me more, so I'd glance his way more also.  We locked eyes at one point, but it felt really awkward.  So I have no clue, as usual.  I haven't been since early last week because of the injection and now sickness, so I guess we'll see what happens next week.

Happy New Year

Wow, I skipped all of December.  I've never done that before.  The holiday blues continued, and I just didn't feel like writing I suppose.

Christmas was nice.  Spent time with family and some friends who were in town.  New Year's was rough.  My plans fell through, so I spent the night at home drinking an entire bottle of champagne by myself.  Then drank some wine.  I was sad.

I made some absolutely amazing Christmas cookies.  Snickerdoodles.  Brownie cookies. White chocolate chip/oatmeal/cranberry/pistachio cookies.  Amazing shit.

My biological father called Christmas evening during dinner and left a message.  I called him back a couple of days later, then again New Year's Eve but haven't gotten him yet.  The last time he called was Christmas 2011.

The roommate moved out a few weeks ago, and I'm on the lookout for a new one again.  I really like living alone and wish I could afford it by myself.  Oh well.  I hope the next person and I relate a little better.  I always felt awkward around the old one.

Got a professional bra fitting a few weeks ago.  I thought I was a D cup.  Nope.  Apparently I wear an F or a G, depending on the bra.  That absolutely blows my mind.

I'm going to start another Whole30 this week.  Ready to lose more weight and hoping to lose more than last time since I'm going to the gym now.  I've had a couple of people recently say they could tell I've lost some weight, so I'm motivated to see more results.  I'm ready to be happy with what I see in the mirror.

Been doing some serious flirting with Dakota Guy.  He said recently that we could be a possibility in his mind now.  Nothing other than talk is happening so far.  No plans have been set in motion.  I don't know if he's serious or not.  I figure since no one else is interested right now, I'll just keep working on me for the time being.  When I've lost the weight I want and feel comfortable with myself again, I'll see where he stands.  If he's not fully in it I'll move on.  I think that's a good plan.

I had my second back injection last month, and it was even worse than the first one.  I guess the doctor got the medicine right to the nerve because when he injected it my leg felt like it was set on fire.  Sharp pain shot down, and I cried out.  It was so embarrassing.  But he said it could be a good thing since that didn't happen the first time and I didn't feel much better after it.  And it has been feeling better this time around, so maybe he's right.

I'm thinking about getting back on anti-depressants.  Things have been really hard lately, but I don't know if it's just because of the holidays.  I might give it another month or so and reevaluate.  I'm just tired of being sad.

Ready for Stability

It seems like a lot has happened in the past couple of weeks.  So many emotions constantly changing every day.  I'm ready for some new stability, and hopefully that will happen once the ex finally moves out next weekend.  We've been friendly towards each other, and it's just easier that way.  He's been very friendly and has actually tried to romance me the past couple of nights to get me to sleep with him again which isn't going to happen.  I found out the other day that he's actually talking with at least two other girls now.  Bully for him.  I'm ready to have my house back to myself and not be wondering or worrying about what a freakin man is doing.

I thought I was "talking" to another guy for awhile, but now I'm not sure anymore.  Since the breakup I've been texting almost every day with my guy friend from many years ago who lives half a country away.  I've always wondered if we would end up together one day.  He was doing some serious flirting back with me for awhile there.  We even had an almost three hour long conversation last weekend which was amazing.  We hadn't talked on the phone in at least two years, but it was like no time had passed at all.  I suggested the other day that we could meet up again, but he was all maybe-ish and I haven't heard from him since.  I was pretty sure he was single, but maybe not.  Maybe he's just not into me like that anymore.  Ugh.

My stepdad seems to be doing better for now, but I really have no idea what's going on with him.  He's off most of the medications and is more mobile now.  He's actually able to take care of himself for a few hours at a time, and my mother has been able to go back to work for the first time since January.  It's possible he could stay like this for awhile and it's also possible this is a rally before the end.  We just don't know.

We had some scary craziness at work the other day.  One of the employees vehicles caught on fire.  It was destroyed, took out the car next to it and damaged some of the building as well.  Two of our employees saw the first signs of smoke and were able to get a few things out of the car before the flames took over the whole thing.  The fire extinguisher did nothing.  It was awful and terrifying.  It seemed like it took forever for the fire department to show up, but in reality it was only a few minutes.  The fire just got so big so fast that it seemed like an eternity.  Luckily no one was hurt.

My back has been doing better, thankfully.  It gets sore at night but during the day it's mostly fine.  I saw the orthopedist and got a shot in my shoulder a couple of weeks ago.  It has been helping with the pain, and I've been doing some physical therapy at home.  I feel like it's starting to wear off though as the shoulder has been achy again lately.  I hope this doesn't turn into a thing.

The Beginning of The End... Again

This might be the last couple of weeks for my stepdad.  For real this time.  Last week he said he was in a lot of pain, so the hospice doctor and nurse upped the dosage of his medication.  His body just couldn't take it, and the shit kind of hit the fan.  He was out of his mind.  When he became a little more clear-headed he decided that he didn't want to be on pain or anxiety meds anymore.  And he hasn't had any for almost a week.

My mom asked the nurse to come back out Monday to re-evaluate him since he was off all the meds.  She listened to his lungs and other organs and said that his body is now shutting down.  Apparently when it's towards the end a lot of hospice patients decide to stop their meds and still have hallucinations, like he is.  That along with some other things his body is doing led her to believe that he may only have a few weeks left.  She said at the end he may become less like himself and not realize who we are, then spend two or three days in a coma-like state, then pass away.

He's been pretty clear-headed the past couple of days, and it has been so wonderful to really get to talk to him again.  I even got him to laugh a little today, which made me feel so good.  He's sad and very weepy, but he says he's not in pain.  He has been so miserable for so long, and I hope that he's able to go with some sort of peace.

A Weird Time

I had my six week follow up appointment with the surgeon today.  A majority of the pain has gotten better, but my back is still very sore and I've been having some sciatic pain down both legs now, where before it was just in one.  He said it's probably from scar tissue.  Also since surgery I've been having pain in my left shoulder and arm that has not gone away.  He said something probably happened to the rotator cuff while they were doing surgery and showed me the weird position I was in.  Now I'm going to see an orthopedist to see what he can do.  It's always something.

After the appointment my mother and I went out to lunch while an aide stayed with my stepdad.  After lunch we did a little shopping and talking, which was nice.  She really needed to get out of the house and vent to someone a little.  My stepdad's pain medication dosage was recently increased, and since he's been on this new level he's out of it even more.  I barely understood a thing he said today.

Living with the now ex-boyfriend has been up and down.  It'll be weird, then it'll be fine.  I had a little meltdown on him this weekend.  It just is what it is right now, if that makes any sense.  He's got a place lined up and will be moving the first weekend in May.  I've made arrangements to visit some friends out of town while he's doing that.  I don't want to be around to see him packing and moving out.

Work has been okay since I've been back.  The new manager and I seem to be working well together and we're each trying hard not to step on each others toes.  The dynamic was a little weird at first as we were learning to work with each other in these new roles, but I think it'll be fine.

That's my little update for now.

Stacking Up

Yesterday was a tough day.  It started out with me going over to my parents' house.  My step-dad is still in very bad condition, and as awful as it sounds, the truth is we're just kind of waiting for him to pass on.  I hate saying that, but it's been the reality for the past month.  Every day he loses weight and strength.  He's on so much pain medication that he's out of touch with reality most of the time.  It is heartbreaking to see him like this.  And for so long.  We really didn't think he'd hold on this long.  I've seen him like that so much recently, but for some reason yesterday it really bothered me.  Maybe because he seemed a little worse.  I don't know.

While I was there I learned that the girl I wrote about a few months ago passed away.  I hadn't heard much lately, but I knew she was bad off.  She'd been in a medically induced coma for a long while, and when they woke her up, she only had basic functions.  I don't think she was really there.  I don't know the circumstances, but she died yesterday I believe.  Her baby girl who was born at 26 weeks is now about four months old and doing well.  She went home a few weeks ago.

Within twenty minutes of learning that, I heard the news reporting of Leonard Nimoy's passing from end-stage COPD, what my step-dad is battling.  It's all so sad.

Then I went grocery shopping and was off the whole time.  Just sad I guess.  After that I headed home and played with the pets for awhile.  Then I got a phone call.  It was from my boss telling me that she had been fired.  She told me how it went down and then dropped a bomb... they had probably already replaced her.  And it wasn't me.  Which, now that I've had time to process, is really okay.

Knowing that this might happen, I've gone back and forth over the past year with what I would say if offered the job.  I didn't really want to be manager because of the extra stress, but if offered I probably would have said yes.  It would have been a good opportunity for my career and it would have been more money.

I can see why they didn't ask me.  I've had three surgeries in the past nine months which have had me out of work for the equivalent of three months.  Physically I can't do as much as I used to.  They know I want to get pregnant.  And to be honest, they know my passive personality.  Maybe they didn't think I could handle it.

On the other hand, I'm pissed.  I'm probably the most loyal and reliable person there.  I'm on time, if not early, every single day which pretty much no one else is, including the previous manager and the new one.  I don't call out.  I don't gossip or start shit.  I'm friendly to every person that walks in the door, and the customers love me.

But what I'm really pissed about is how they handled it, or didn't handle it.  I got a call from my old boss, and that was it.  She told me who she thought they had replaced her with, but I officially learned it when the new one posted it on Facebook.  Are you freakin kidding me?!  As long as I've worked there as assistant manager and as dedicated as I've been to that place, I really thought I would at least get a phone call from one of the higher ups.  They had to have known that I would feel at least a little slighted, right?  I believe at least a phone call with a little heads up was warranted.  Maybe Monday.

In the moment when it happened I was angry, and I guess I still am a little.  I immediately felt disrespected and undervalued.  About a year ago the "grapevine" said that they wanted me to be manager, and I suppose I'd been holding on to that.  I guess I've learned my lesson there.

I'm not going to enjoy working under a girl younger than myself who I actually trained years ago.  Knowing her personality, I'm not sure how it's going to go, but it should be interesting.  I don't start back for a week and a half, and I really wish I could be there when she starts Monday to see how she slips into it.  I'm afraid she's going to get all cozy with my temporary replacement and I'm going to be on the outside when I go back.  I'm wondering how she'll act towards me because I know that business and the day-to-day operations inside and out.  My old boss and I had good working chemistry, and I wonder if we'll develop that.  Whatever happens, I'll just have to deal with it.

In the long run it really is okay.  Deep down I didn't want that job.  I can still go in, do a good day's work and go home leaving the day behind me.  I won't have to worry about the business, the hiring/firing, the drama with the employees or angry clients.

And now that I've bitched and gotten it all out here, I feel so much better!

Downhill

I don't think that aisle thing is going to happen.  He's not doing well.  He's miserable and has been ready to "go" for a long time now.  He's on a ton of medication so I don't think he's in much pain, but breathing is so very difficult and he's very weak.  He's got a catheter so he doesn't have to make the long and slow journey to the bathroom all the time anymore.

I don't know if it's the meds or what, but sometimes he gets so confused and seems to be very foggy.  We'll be talking about one thing, and he'll come out of left field with something completely different.  Sometimes what he says is just gibberish and makes no sense at all.

It's so hard to see him like that.  He keeps saying how he doesn't want us to remember him like this.  Whenever he says it, we'll bring up a nice memory from the past to try to cheer him up.  Sometimes it works. 

He's so ready to go, but his body isn't cooperating yet.  The hospice nurse said that it can take a week or two for the body to start shutting down once a person hits the point he's at.  We're in the middle of week two now, I believe. She comes again today, and it'll be interesting to hear what she has to say.

This is all just so sad!  :(

Bridal Expo

My stepdad's doing about the same, I think.  Maybe a little bit of progress, and I'll take whatever good news I can get.  I go to visit him almost every day after work and on days off I'll spend the afternoon.  It's still day to day and we don't know what's going to happen, but we're remaining hopeful.

This past Sunday was a local bridal expo that my mom was supposed to attend with me, but for obvious reasons she couldn't.  So my "sister" went, and we had a blast.  The morning consisted of a venue tour of some local spots, and I think I've found the perfect one for us.  It's in historic downtown and is the entire top floor of a very old building.  It's currently a ballroom where they host dancing classes and rent out for events.  Is it not effing gorgeous??

Eek!  I think the ceremony would take place on this side.

Other side of the room and how
the reception area could be.

Breathtaking!

Entryway from the elevator

They had it somewhat staged so you could get an idea of how it would be set up.  The price is great and they're partnered with the caterer I like, so there would be a discount on that fee.  Plus, my sister is best friends with the caterer's family and actually used to work for them and said she could probably get me the "family" rate... sweet!!  It's all starting to fall into place.

Anyways, after the tour was the actual expo where tons of vendors were set up.  I talked to so many people and got a lot of ideas.  There were two fashion shows, and the dresses were gorgeous.  I don't think I'll go all out on a gown this time down the aisle, but I definitely have a good idea of how to get a gorgeous dress for a great price.

I went home that evening all excited and shared what I learned with the boyfriend.  He was happy with the venue I like and said he'd definitely have to officially propose soon!  Shhh.... don't tell him, but I wore my grandmother's rock all day at the expo.  I really miss having a diamond on my hand.

He originally didn't think any of his friends or family would come down for the wedding, and he actually called his sister to ask if she would.  She got all excited, said all six of them would be here for it and demanded to know when it would be.  That was the first anyone in his family heard anything about us getting married, and I'm fairly certain she'll pass the word around.  I hoping the extra influence from outside sources will light a fire under his butt, haha!

Yesterday my stepdad asked if he could walk me down the aisle.  It absolutely warmed my heart.  I hope above all else that he is still around and able to do that when the time comes.

Scary Shit

My dad almost died the other day.  Technically he's my stepdad, but he's been in my life as a father figure since I was eight or so.  He's been in bad health for many years with advanced COPD that has severely affected his life.  He's also got heart issues and an inoperable hernia in his chest, I believe.

I got a call from my mother Sunday afternoon that he'd just gotten home from the ER and had been diagnosed with pneumonia.  My heart fell immediately, knowing that something like that could do him in.  She assured me he was okay for the time being.  I checked in on them Monday, and he was starting to feel a little better from the antibiotics.

My phone rang Tuesday morning at 2:24 AM.  It was my mother saying he'd taken a turn for the worse and I should come over.  This could be the end.  When I got there he was in bed and could barely breathe.  I held his hand and told him I loved him.  My mom and I spent several hours like that with him while he attempted to rest.  Sometimes he could say a few words. We basically said our goodbyes.  I didn't want him to go, but if it was his time, I hoped it would happen quickly.  It was heartbreaking to see him in so much pain. 

I can't write any more detail without getting way too worked up.  Long story short, he didn't want to go to the hospital.  He wanted to die at home.  But the pain became too much and he agreed we should call an ambulance.  After several hours in the emergency room he finally got pain medication and was breathing a little easier.  We got hospice care set up and he now has people coming by several times a week.  Hopefully he gets over the pneumonia, but if he doesn't, at least he'll be at home and will be able to go without any pain.  We're just taking it day by day right now.

Meals and MRIs

Hello all!  It's been quite a while!  A lot has been going on as it always seems to during the holiday season.  We were prepping for some of the boyfriend's friends to join us for a few days over Thanksgiving and were a little frantic for a bit.  We had to finish the guest bathroom which had been taken apart for painting a couple of months ago.  I'm happy to say it turned out very nicely.  We also needed to declutter the rest of the house to make room for two adults, two little kiddos and their large dog.  The house looked amazing!  Then they didn't come.  They would have been driving through that snow storm that hit the east coast the Wednesday before and didn't want to risk their family's safety.  We were bummed, but it was the right decision.

So instead all of the boyfriend's local family came over for dinner!  I was freaking out about cooking everything, but it turned out amazing.  We prepped as much as we could the night before and the morning of, and the actual afternoon cooking went very smoothly.  We did a deep fried turkey for the first time, and it really was one of the best I've ever had.  The whole event was relaxed and all eight of us fit in our little house pretty well.  They brought over three bottles of wine and about two whole glasses were partaken of one, so I've had some nice evenings since then, haha.

I am so thankful that I love his family and they seem to love me!  They are all so wonderful and we get along well.  The conversation always flows easily, and I feel very comfortable around them all.  I loved my former in-laws very much, but I never felt like I could relax around them.  Maybe it's because they were my first experience with "meeting the parents" and I really didn't know how to act.  Me being all awkward in general anyways didn't help, I'm sure.  It is a great relief to know that my future in-laws are freakin fantastic.

But through all this holiday wonderfulness, there have been some troubles.  Mainly, my back.  Oh, my aching back.  Well, leg actually.  The sciatic pain returned for good about a month and a half ago and PT isn't helping anymore.  I met with my surgeon who ordered an MRI with contrast, which I had this past week.  It was pure torture.  I can't lie on my back for more than a minute without being in some pretty horrific pain, and the MRI required I be in that position for about half an hour.  I was in tears it was so awful.  But they said the images turned out great, so there's that.

I meet with the surgeon again week after next to discuss the results.  He said it could either be scar tissue from the back surgery or something could be going on with a disc again.  I'm so frustrated and tired of being in pain every fucking day.  Luckily I have lots of good pain pills left over from the surgeries this year and they're actually working now with no side effects.  I'm thankful for that.  I'm just really nervous to hear what's wrong.

No more walking dead...

I feel much better now.  It was definitely the pain medication that was making me feel like crap, so I just stopped taking it this weekend.  No withdrawals like after the last surgery, so yay!  I feel so much better and not as much like a zombie anymore.  My appetite is back and I have a little more energy.  Emotionally I feel a lot better now also.  I still tear up occasionally, but not at all like I had been.

I was supposed to have a follow-up appointment with my local OBGYN today, but I still haven't received the operation packet yet.  Dee Dee from Dr. Sinervo's office called this morning to check in on me and answered some questions.  I love her.  I really wish I could use them as my regular OBGYN.

I went to PT for my back yesterday because it has been hurting again.  I couldn't do a whole lot, but she helped with some stretching.  She is very interested to see how things will go as I continue healing since my last flare-ups have been matched up with my cycle starting.  I'm interested to see that as well.  She is pretty amazing too.  She had everyone there sign a "get well soon" type card for me, which was not expected at all.  And she's gonna squeeze me in next week for an unofficial non-appoitment on one of the machines there just to keep me loose and flexible while I'm healing.

I stopped by my workplace on the way back from PT to pick up my paycheck and to say hello.  I'm very bummed that I've had to use all of my vacation and personal days on these surgeries, but I feel lucky to even be able to.  It's also nice that there are three paydays this month.  :)  Everyone was happy to see me and said they were looking forward to my return, which looks like will begin with some half days starting a week from today.  My energy level is better than before, but I still lose steam very, very quickly.  I just don't see full days happening just yet.  And again, I feel lucky that my workplace is flexible in that respect and will allow me to return when I feel ready.

I made a voice recording on my phone at the post-op appointment back in Atlanta which I listened to today.  I really was pretty out of it for that.  It was good to be able to go back to hear again and remember some things that were said.

Also while listening, I realized that my voice really sounds like my mother's sometimes, which is not a bad thing at all.  She is so kind and friendly towards everyone she meets.  She was amazing during our trip, and I grew to appreciate her so much more, not that I didn't already.  She has always been there for me no matter what, and I hope that I can be half the incredible mother she has been for me.

She received an email from my aunt the other day saying that my cousin wanted Dr. Sinervo's information.  She finally confirmed that my cousin has endo and has been suffering for years.  This is the cousin that was never able to conceive.  I hope that she's able to see him and find some relief.  I love that through this albeit hard endo journey, I've learned so much and can hopefully help other people with information or even from just referring them to Dr. Sinervo.

I guess that's enough for now.  Everyone have a good rest of your day.