Winter Update

It's been over two months... damn!  I really don't know why I don't write as much lately.  Maybe because when I'm happy I don't feel the need to get things out here?  And I have been very happy.  Most of it is due to the fella... actually the same one from the last post!

We've been going strong for about three and a half months now, and I'm totally in love.  I told him that a couple of weeks ago, and he said he felt the same.  He actually said that before he met me he'd been planning to move away at the beginning of the year.  He's not happy with his job or his current location and still does want to move somewhere at some point.  I don't know why I only seem to find guys who want to move away.  But I'm kind of at a point where I might want to also.  Maybe.  I go back and forth.  I did it before, and it didn't work out so well.  But I am older now and would hopefully be able to do it right this time.  I do want to settle down and have kids, but I would like to start that here because my support system, my family and friends, are here.  Maybe if we get that far he would be open to moving in a few years.  I may be thinking too far ahead right now... it's only been three months.  But that's what I do.

Work has also been a bit more stressful lately.  The work itself hasn't changed other than it being busier for the holidays.  My manager's life has changed though.  She's now back in the single life and trying to party it up with the younger employees during off time.  Which is nice for her because she never really had that opportunity when she was younger.  But they're all even more buddy-buddy now at work, and I feel like it's social hour all the time.  When I ask them to do something, it seems like they resent me for it.  But when she does, it's all good because she's their pal now.  I need to just get over the high-school drama feel, but it's hard when you spend a majority of your time with these people.  And I'm now the oldest person there, so that doesn't help.

I'm going to be 34 in less than two months.  And I'm childless.  I started trying to get pregnant before any of my four "sisters", and now they're about to have seven children between them.  It's still fucking hard to face that.  Christmas was difficult.  Two of them (one with a big ol' pregnant belly again) with their spouses and three children gathered at their parent's house.  All of them paired off and then me, alone because my fella was out of town with his family.  Watching them all so happy with the kids running around and opening presents was so much harder than I had anticipated.  I don't know why, because it is every single time we all congregate.  But I thought maybe because I am now in a relationship with a hopefully promising future I would feel different.  Nope.  That ache of wanting a child of my own still overpowers everything.  The jealousy of my best friends having that.  Maybe one day I'll get to experience it, and hopefully that feeling will go away.  I just want a modern-day happily ever after... is that too much to ask for?

I said I was happy at the beginning of this, but maybe I'm not as much as I thought.  I ended up writing more glumly than I imagined I would.  Maybe it's just the stress of the holidays putting a temporary damper on things.  I've also been PMS'ing pretty hard this month and have been overly emotional the past week.

But I am incredibly happy with my fella and am so very thankful that we met.  Most of my people have now met him and they all like him.  I've met his family and some friends.  His parents like me, which is always a good thing.  He is my bright spot.  I hope we continue to move forward as happy together as we are now.

Difficult Day

It's Mother's Day, and I really didn't expect today to be so hard.  All week I've been focusing on my mom and the goodies I was giving her.  We celebrated yesterday, and it was so nice.  We spent the whole afternoon together, and my stepdad and I cooked her dinner.

Last night on FB I shared a blog someone posted that was aimed towards childless women on this holiday.  Even with that, I was posting more for the women I know who are battling infertility, thinking they would appreciate seeing it.  I still felt fine and not sorry for myself.  I figured today I would feel the same, but I don't.  I woke up to find FB filled with nothing but Mother's Day posts, which I totally expected, but it actually made me cry.  I knew I shouldn't have checked the site, but I really thought I would be unaffected.  Apparently not.

And I don't know why, but the fact that none of my "sisters" liked or even acknowledged my post really pisses me off.  I know they're in their own little Mother's Day bubbles and are happy there.  I know that they may feel awkward and not know what to say regarding my childless situation.  But still.  They know better than anyone how much I've always wanted children.  I know it's stupid, but it just would have been nice.  It's just one little click of a mouse.

Anyway, I called my mother to wish her a happy day once again.  I messaged my ex-boyfriend's mom to wish her one too.  She said she was having a quiet day at home, so I invited her out for a meal.  She didn't want to be at a busy restaurant today, so I'm taking her out to dinner tomorrow.  I'm so happy she and I are still friends.

Moving on, I met a fella.  On Tinder of all places.  He's retired military and is currently a full-time student studying to be a doctor.  So far he seems to be the perfect gentleman.  He's kind and affectionate, and we have similar stances on a majority of the big issues.  He lives a couple of hours away, so seeing him is tricky.

Our first date was at a halfway point.  We had lunch then talked for several hours.  He came to my town this past week on my day off, and we spent a majority of the day together.  Our first kiss was at a gorgeous spot in a nature park at sunset.  I was supposed to visit him today, but he's had to study for finals all weekend.  Maybe this coming week.

As much as he seems like a legit guy, I'm so scared.  At one point during our second date he pulled out his phone, and my instinct was to steal a glance at it.  And of course it was up on a text to someone with a female name.  It could be anyone.  Friend, family member.  But it was only our second date, and he could totally have been texting another potential date.  But if it was, it sucks that he was talking to her while on a date with me.  I did ask him after our kiss if he was dating anyone else, and he said no.

The point is, I hate my ex-boyfriend for turning me into this.  Before learning he cheated on me, I never would have looked at that phone or felt any paranoia like this.  I hate that my first instinct was to sneak a peek at it.  But to be fair, I still text Dakota guy every day, and we'll always be friends.  I've got to give him the benefit of the doubt.

It's so hard to put yourself out there knowing what can happen and how badly you can potentially get hurt.  But you have to fight through and hope that you will one day find what you're searching for.

Grouchy

- Put up ad on C-list for the room, get several promising responses, back and forth with a couple of them, send applications... never hear back.

- Texting with Dakota Guy all night who said he wasn't doing anything for the evening, get tired of texting, call him 30 seconds after his last text, no answer and no more texts... I know your phone is right fucking beside you!

- Back hurts, physical therapy making it hurt more and therapist saying, "Good!"... frustrated and tearing up on treadmill hoping no one sees me brushing them away.

- Physical therapy aggravating bursitis in shoulder... come on!

- Still haven't heard from the lawyer about getting my car fixed from the accident... what's the hold up?!

- Scroll through FB and my old dog pops up as a someone I might know... start bawling.

- All over FB that it's National Breastfeeding Week, see articles, people I know posting pics, their mothers calling them Breastfeeding Goddesses... terrified I will never get to do that.

- Dinner with two "sisters", their kids and parents at the parents' house, see them all one big happy family, grandparents on floor playing, scared that 1- I'll never get to have kids, 2- My back will never be strong enough for me to do all that when I'm older... rushing to bathroom to hide tears.

- Two parking spaces in front of my house, one has not been occupied for a couple of months and the whole neighborhood knows it, neighbors let their guest park in it for four days now, never asked if it was cool, I would have said yes, but it's the principle of the thing... grr.

- Same neighbors' dog comes out when I'm happily playing with my dog and instigates fence fighting... why???

Yes, AF is in town.

New Developments

First thing first... I have a new nephew!  My youngest "sister" had her first child, a boy, a little over a week ago.  He is gorgeous, and she is so happy!  They live very far away, and I have no idea when I'll get to see them but I can't wait to meet him!

I also have a new little one, but of the four-legged and furry variety.  This is my new kitten...

She's about seven weeks old and all of two pounds.  She was found by a co-worker's boyfriend under the hood of a car that had been driven to his shop to get worked on.  Luckily the person lived just down the street, and the three kittens inside weren't hurt at all.  I fell in love with her as soon as I saw her picture.  I've sworn up and down over the years that I would never have another kitten, but here she is.  My first cat was a little hellion as a wee one, and I've had no desire to go through that again.  But I've now got him all grown up and a dog to play with her, so I think it'll be okay.  Plus she already has the sweetest disposition I think I've ever seen in a kitten, so that's on her side too, haha.

I had lunch with my ex-boyfriend's mother a little while ago, and apparently it freaked him the mess out.  Which I of course find hilarious.  She doesn't know that he cheated on me, and I guess he was afraid that I would tell her.  She told him about our lunch date a week before we actually met up, so he got to fret for a while.  He wanted to know all about it and texted me not even a few hours after the fact.  Of course I didn't tell her, but I do get a tiny bit of enjoyment from his freakout.

He's been texting me every so often, trying to remain friends.  He said the other day that he misses us (me and the pets) and thinks about us every day.  And that he knows how to ruin a good thing.  Of course I'm over thinking the fact that he said he misses us and not just me.  I know our pets were and still are a huge part of our lives, and he loves mine too.  But I'm wondering if he misses that part of the relationship, our life altogether, more than being with me.

Someone asked me out the other day.  Technically, he asked me to "hang out", but that's the same thing these days, right?  I hate dating.  He's currently out of town for work, but asked if I would be interested in meeting up with him when he gets back.  I said yes.  Not sure how I feel about it or him yet... I only met him once a couple of years ago.  But I guess it'll be good to get that first date back in the stupid game out of the way.  From all I've heard about him, he could be a really good guy, so who knows.

I'm still worried about my back.  It was feeling somewhat better, but this past weekend it started hurting really badly again.  But AF is in town, and it always hurts then, so I'll give it a little more time before I call the doc.  Oh, and I got the final bill for the endo surgery.  Yeah... I'm going to be paying medical debts for the rest of my life.  Le sigh.

Oh, and I totally forgot to mention that I got a new piercing about six weeks ago.  I'd been wanting a non-traditional ear piercing for a long time, but never could decide what.  Then one day I decided to do it and got my inner conch pierced.  I love it!

So, yeah.  Mostly good things lately.

I'm Free!

My house is all mine again!  The ex moved out this weekend while I spent time with some wonderful friends and their little one.  It was a perfect weekend.  I got to have girl talk and baby cuddles.  The drives up and back were good.  The change of scenery and time spent away was very relaxing and much needed.

I came home to a nearly empty house, which was bittersweet, I suppose.  It's nice to not have the tension anymore, but I'm readjusting to living alone again.  A majority of the common furniture was his, and the house is kind of empty now.  I still have my couch and chair, but they're so much smaller than his and take up less space, so the house seems bigger.  I got rid of my dining room table when he moved in because his was nicer, so that part of the house is just barren.  The front bedroom was our office and he took both the massive desks (I didn't want that huge thing), so that room is totally empty.  The loft is practically empty and is currently my new office.  At least the bedroom is still the same.  And there's a ton more room in my closet, haha.  The house is a blank canvas I will have to fill, which should be fun!

My cat seems very happy to have the other dog gone.  My dog was pretty depressed that he didn't have his friend to play with anymore.  He was very mopey at first, wouldn't eat and didn't really want to play at all.  I've been giving him a ton of attention, and his spirits seem to have lifted some now, which makes me happy.  He's been a huge cuddle bug too, which I've enjoyed.  I really do miss the other pup though.

It will just take some time to find our new normal.  We've done it before and are pretty good at it now.

Left Behind

I hope I one day get to participate in some of the things that only mommies get to share together.  The youngest of my four "sisters" is pregnant, so that makes all of them with little ones now.  I keep seeing them tag each other in Facebook posts about pregnancy, breastfeeding, toddler tactics, etc, and it's hard.  I feel so left out.  I remember when the ex and I were trying and I was so excited that I might be the first one of us to have a baby.  So much for that.

In fact, you know that one stereotypical friend that's always behind everyone else in life?  I feel like that's me.  I was always the single one in the teenage years and the one late to the significant life events.  I was sixteen for my first kiss and 24 before I found love and all that went with it.  To be fair though I was the first one to buy a house.  And to get divorced.  That's something, I suppose.

The other day my old college roommate announced that she's finally pregnant with her first.  Yes, I'm jealous, but she totally deserves it.  She's been trying for years and years and didn't think it would ever happen for her.  I'm so very happy that it did.

On the other hand, last week an ex-coworker announced that she's pregnant with her on and off again boyfriend.  She's been doing drugs for as long as I've known her, although she claims she's clean now.  I hope so.  And another ex-coworker gave birth about a month ago to a little girl.  We found out she was taking illegally obtained pills during her entire pregnancy.  I hope that beautiful little one is okay.  I'm not saying they deserve it any less, it's just hard to see.

Who am I to talk?  I'm not even officially trying and haven't been for a very long time.  I feel like I've been waiting forever.  Technically it's been four years since the ex and I split and therefore stopped trying.  Add that to the approximately one year we were trying... that's five years since I started trying to have a baby.  I went from mid/later twenties to early thirties, and fertility wise, that's a long time.  For me that's a really fucking long time.  We could start in a few months, but I'd really like to be married before we do.  The way things are going now, who knows when that will be.

I'm so tired of having to wait for the only thing I've ever wanted to do with my life.

Suck Ass Birthday

Second back surgery was this past week, the day before my birthday.  One nurse said, "Anesthesia... the gift that keeps on giving."  Yeah...

Apparently it went well.  The surgeon said he removed a lot of scar tissue from the last surgery (that can't be good though, right?) and cleaned the disc out really well so nothing else would come out.  I don't remember much from the recovery room except answering some questions... maybe.  My room was just like last time, and I slept a lot.  I had a few visitors who brought flowers.  The boyfriend took me home the next day and I slept some more.

For some reason though, this whole experience has me feeling a little discontented.  During the pre-op visit with the surgeon the week before surgery his demeanor that day just bothered me.  I asked a myriad of questions about what exactly I should and should not do so that this doesn't happen again.  He answered them but basically said he wants me to live my life and doesn't want me to have to act like a 60-year-old in what I do.  He said to use common sense, but then was all, "And if it does happen again we'll just go in again and fuse."  Yes, we'd talked about it before, but there was something about how casually he said it this time that pissed me off... like, yeah, whatever, no big deal if it does happen.  That is a big fucking deal to me!  During that appointment I also brought up wanting to get pregnant at some point and asked some questions about that.  So yeah, he's had several patients have a disc rupture again during a pregnancy and there's not a damn thing you can do about it until after the baby comes.  That would be my luck.

Then the anesthesiologist bothered me.  He asked if I'd had anesthesia before and if I'd had any trouble with it.  I told him last time they said I woke up agitated.  He snapped back, "I don't care how you wake up.  We can give you more and knock you back out again."  I'm not sure if that second sentence is exactly what he said, but his tone pissed me the fuck off.

When back in my room after it was all over, I found a second IV in my other hand.  They had told me they would put in after I was asleep, so no biggie.  But it wasn't going to be used again after surgery and was very painful, so I asked at least five different people several times if I could have it removed.  I think I started asking around 9pm, which was nine hours after surgery was over, and it was finally taken out at 4am.  And apparently they had a hard time getting that one in because I have two other insertion spots on that hand and wrist that are majorly bruised and sore.  Third time was a charm, I guess?

So after it all I went home and the boyfriend was weird all day, like he always is after I have surgery.  He's very standoffish and doesn't console or anything (he says it's because he doesn't like seeing people in pain).  He didn't even get me a birthday present.  But he has been cooking dinner and doing everything around the house, and I guess that's how he shows his love.  And he did get me a card and told me he's ordered a present, so there's that.  I did get a call from my peeps at work on speakerphone, which was amazing and probably the highlight of my birthday.

We're not doing anything for Valentine's Day.  I pretty much can't anyway.  I made him a dirty card but can't follow through on anything in it.  Maybe we'll go out to dinner next weekend or something.

I've felt like a bucket of shit since I got home.  My back hurts so terribly.  The pain wasn't anywhere near this bad after the first surgery, and the meds make me feel so freakin sick.  I'm just miserable.  And home alone for 12 hours a day.  It's awesome.

And the fucking cherry on top came in a text message this morning.  One of my "sisters" sent a mass text to her sisters, mother and me just saying Happy Valentine's Day.  The mother responded with similar tidings, but of course also had to add in that "to some of the best mommies I know."  I guess that didn't apply to me.  RUB IT THE FUCK IN, WHY DON'T YOU?!?!

Man I'm bitching a lot.  I have so much to be thankful for... I made it through surgery which will hopefully stick this time.  My step-dad is still alive for now.  I have so many people who love me.

I just physically and emotionally feel like shit, so please excuse me.

Bridal Expo

My stepdad's doing about the same, I think.  Maybe a little bit of progress, and I'll take whatever good news I can get.  I go to visit him almost every day after work and on days off I'll spend the afternoon.  It's still day to day and we don't know what's going to happen, but we're remaining hopeful.

This past Sunday was a local bridal expo that my mom was supposed to attend with me, but for obvious reasons she couldn't.  So my "sister" went, and we had a blast.  The morning consisted of a venue tour of some local spots, and I think I've found the perfect one for us.  It's in historic downtown and is the entire top floor of a very old building.  It's currently a ballroom where they host dancing classes and rent out for events.  Is it not effing gorgeous??

Eek!  I think the ceremony would take place on this side.

Other side of the room and how
the reception area could be.

Breathtaking!

Entryway from the elevator

They had it somewhat staged so you could get an idea of how it would be set up.  The price is great and they're partnered with the caterer I like, so there would be a discount on that fee.  Plus, my sister is best friends with the caterer's family and actually used to work for them and said she could probably get me the "family" rate... sweet!!  It's all starting to fall into place.

Anyways, after the tour was the actual expo where tons of vendors were set up.  I talked to so many people and got a lot of ideas.  There were two fashion shows, and the dresses were gorgeous.  I don't think I'll go all out on a gown this time down the aisle, but I definitely have a good idea of how to get a gorgeous dress for a great price.

I went home that evening all excited and shared what I learned with the boyfriend.  He was happy with the venue I like and said he'd definitely have to officially propose soon!  Shhh.... don't tell him, but I wore my grandmother's rock all day at the expo.  I really miss having a diamond on my hand.

He originally didn't think any of his friends or family would come down for the wedding, and he actually called his sister to ask if she would.  She got all excited, said all six of them would be here for it and demanded to know when it would be.  That was the first anyone in his family heard anything about us getting married, and I'm fairly certain she'll pass the word around.  I hoping the extra influence from outside sources will light a fire under his butt, haha!

Yesterday my stepdad asked if he could walk me down the aisle.  It absolutely warmed my heart.  I hope above all else that he is still around and able to do that when the time comes.

Uphill... both ways... in the snow

Things have been so up and down these past couple of weeks, and I've been stressed the eff out.

Down:  Everyone's pissed at someone about something at work.  The business is going downhill quickly.  A two week notice was given.  My manager is looking for a new job and/or may get fired very soon.
Up:  I may be manager soon!  That means more money!
Down:  I have no desire to be manager of that sinking ship and inherit all the stress that goes with the job!  I never wanted a career, I just want to be a mom... waaah!

Down:  The dogs have been fighting lately.  Well, one dog.  The dog the boyfriend and I got together has been attacking my dog for sometimes what appears as no real reason at all.  He put a big hole in my dog's side which led to an appointment for him getting neutered.
Up:  Luckily I work at a vet's office and got the patching up and the neutering at a highly discounted cost.
Down:  He turned on my dog again, and now we think it's got to do with something else.  It's been so frustrating because they were fine with each other for a year and a half.  Now all of a sudden one's turned into an asshole.
Up:  Free advice from the vet I work with, and we have some new things to try.

Up:  My youngest "sister's" wedding is this weekend!  Three-day weekend and a night of possible partying at the beach.  Gonna see all my sisters and their significant others.  We're all gonna get to hang and they'll get to know my boyfriend more.
Down:  It's more money to spend that I just don't have, including buying a new dress because nothing I have is appropriate or even fits.
Up:  Find a beautiful new dress online!
Down:  It gets here and it doesn't fit, and the tiny online boutique I bought it from only does store credit, and I don't like anything else they have.  My big fat stomach that has kept getting bigger since I can't fully work out yet because of my back and eating bad shit lately makes me look freakin big and preggo.  (Phew... that was a long one.)  Have to actually go to a store and try on dresses, but can only find one that is halfway appropriate.  Go home and cry because I'm fat. :'(
Up:  Decide to buy a waist cincher so I can wear the dress I originally bought, and...
Down:  ...even though it'll be labored breathing for a few hours...
Up:  ...at least I'll feel pretty.  (Yes, I know how ridiculous that sounds and is.)

Down:  Started painting the house and hurt my back again.  Two extra weeks of physical therapy just to get it back to where it was halfway feeling better.
Up:  Now it's better, and I may potentially only have one session left before I'm done with PT altogether!  Can go back to the gym and lose some weight!
Down:  Have no money to pay for the gym.  Maybe I'll invest in some free weights and work out at home.

Up:  Surgery is in six weeks!  Time is going by so quickly.
Down:  No real down for that, except maybe the cost, but that's okay.  I'm ready.

Okay, that pity party's over.  I think the ups and downs have felt so huge lately because the birth control and anti-depressant I've stopped taking are really making their way out of my system now.  My hormones are doing their own thing again, and my emotions are back to being triggered very easily.  With a combination from those, recovery from surgery and the nerves/stress of thinking about and preparing for the next upcoming surgery, I think my body's been through a lot these past couple of months.

♪ Breakdown... go ahead and give it to me! ♫

A little Tom Petty to start your morning.

I have been on vacation from work going on 72 hours now.  It's been busy so far, but now I'm... aaaaahhhh.  That was a relaxing one, not a screaming one.  I'm sipping coffee now catching up on some internet stuff.  This is the first time I've slowed down since being released at noon on Saturday.

Got out of work and had a nice couple come over to look at my old wedding dress I've been trying to sell for years.  She tried it on and said she'd get back to me.  I headed to visit my parents like I do every Saturday afternoon.  Ended up using a chainsaw for the first time to chop down and up a small tree that had fallen in their yard.  I was all "I am kayak, hear me roar" again, but my step-dad pointed out that I'm working for that canoe.  Yes, yes I am.   And I'm okay with that.  :)

After leaving their house, I headed to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription of birth control, my miracle pain management drug, with my spiffy new insurance.  It went from $75 for a three-month supply to absolutely nothing.  Zilch, zero, nada.  The lady checking me out said, "Well, that's a big difference" as she just handed me the bag.  I was all.... huh??  This is the first time I've had insurance in a very long time, and I really didn't know if there would be a copay or what, so I was floored when she told me it didn't cost me anything.  So awesome!  And very helpful.  I'm very thankful.

Saturday evening I headed to the boyfriend's house and we had a nice dinner.  Sunday we went on the hunt for yellow shoelaces for my Chucks for the EndoMarch, but could not find any anywhere.  We must have looked in five different shoe stores.  They had neon yellow, but not regular old yellow.  Ended up buying ten feet of parachute (not sure if that was the brand or what it was) cord and cutting it down to size.  Whatever works.

Went back to his place and played with the dogs in the back yard for a long time.  It was a beautiful sunny day, and we saw a gorgeous bald eagle floating and soaring in the wind above us.  I haven't seen one since I was very young and lived more inland.  I've never seen one here before.  It was amazing.

Yesterday, well, I guess I slowed down in the morning.  I was a bum.  Then I met my parents for an early dinner at a local seafood restaurant they've been wanting to try.  It was yummy.  Then I attempted to buy jeans.  Yeah, that never works.  Nothing ever fits right.  So I took myself to Michael's and bought a yellow hat and iron on decals for the EndoMarch.  We'll see how that goes today.

Last night I babysat my two nieces for a bit while her mother went to teach a yoga class.  It tried my patience a little, but I'm proud to say I came out with a win.  Not bad for my first time babysitting two youngins!  When my sis returned home, we did our weekly dinner and watched the newest Grey's Anatomy.  That's our show, yo. 

Tonight I'm attending my first FB virtual party.  It's for Jamberry Nails.  I love nail stuff, so should be interesting.  Maybe I'll win a little something.

This recap has been interesting stuff, I know.  Hehe.  Anyways, I'm off to officially start my day of prep for traveling to DC tomorrow and for the EndoMarch Thursday... but that's another post.  :)

Snow 'n Stuff

It's been a weird week!  The afternoon after I last wrote, I was struck down with the freakin flu.  It was not pleasant, and I was miserable for quite a few days.  I missed two days of work last week, but I'm lucky that I have a job where that's not such a big deal.  I was in bed for five days straight and am still feeling a little funky.  Mostly better though.

I'm missing even more work this week because of snow!  We left early yesterday because of bad conditions and had several inches of sleet on the ground before it even started snowing.  Woke up this morning to several inches of the actual fluffy stuff on top of all the ice.  I made it into work for a couple of hours but was the only one, and who knows what will happen tomorrow.  My boss is of the wait and see mentality.  I know I can get in, but everyone else lives a lot farther away and can't.  I hate missing so much work!  This next check is not gonna be good.

But, I did get to play in the snow with the pup today, and we had a great time.

He absolutely loves it.  He runs and snarks and tries to catch the snowballs I toss to him.  It's pretty adorable.

In other news, last week my oldest "sister" let everyone know that she is pregnant.  So happy for her, but the way she told me was very strange.  She called me and said she wanted to give me a heads up about something.  She asked what I was doing in August.  If I'd like to come spend a few days with her (she's a couple of hours away).  To help with the new baby.  I'm all.... what now?  She never came out and said it, so I had to ask her if she was pregnant.  To that she said yes.  She always has been a weird girl, but I love her.  Grr...

Like her sisters before, whenever they announce they're pregnant with their first, I send flowers.  Sent her these...

They reminded me of when she got married.  She was in a blue and white dress and they both had yellow flowers.  She liked them and called to thank me.  Said she couldn't remember the last time she had flowers delivered to her.

The boyfriend and I talked a little more about the future.  He said he's planning on proposing this summer after he moves in and can save some money for a ring.  I'm almost at the point where I say screw the ring... let's just do it and get on with things.  I'm not always good at waiting, and this latest pregnancy announcement has got me even more anxious.  Sigh... in good time.

I think that's all my news for now.  Gotta do this week's EndoPost soon, so that will be on the way!

More Bullet Points

I don't know why I don't write as much anymore.  Every time I sit down to do it I draw a blank.  I get to thinking that when I'm happy there's not a whole lot of interesting thing to write about.  So, here's a list in no particular order...

- The roommate became officially engaged yesterday.  Her fiance flew over late Thanksgiving day and will be with us for a week.  He proposed yesterday morning, and she's crazy happy.  They have this long plan, but the basics of it all is that they're getting married on paper at the courthouse next week, which I will be the witness of.  Then they'll have an actual wedding sometime next year, which she asked me to be maid of honor at.  Eeeeek!

- Thanksgiving was good.  My mother had to go into work in the afternoon, so we had a lunch.  The boyfriend had to work all day, so I took him a big plate of leftovers.  I headed to my "sisters'" parents' house for desserts and hanging out in the evening.  It was a good day.

- For once, it felt awesome to be surrounded by kids at Thanksgiving.  My sisters' three kids are three weeks, 10 months, and two years old... and I got to play with them all.  Usually I shy away, but these kids are definitely family.  When someone asked if anyone wanted to hold the smallest for a bit, I jumped right up and savored the opportunity.  I see her every week, but I love holding that little one.  Being around them makes me feel more confident about how I'll be as a mother one day.

- I am now known for my caramel pecan pie.  I made a couple for a staff potluck a couple of weeks ago and had a coworker ask if I'd make her one for Thanksgiving, which I did.  She asked me for more at Christmas, as did another coworker.  Making a few bucks in the process, not too shabby.  I took one to my parents' house.  I took one to the dinner at the sisters', and it had been highly anticipated.  One particular "in-law" loved it so much last year and had been looking forward to it this year.  I may start taking one every time I visit them, haha.

- The boyfriend and I are still doing amazingly!  His work schedule is about to change, so we'll get two whole days to spend with each other during the week now instead of one.  I can't wait!  He's about to get a decent raise soon too, which I know will help him.  He works so hard, and I'm so proud of him.

- He's going to help me put up my new Christmas tree next week, which is beautiful!  It's all rustic-looking with pine cones and berries.  It's going to look fabulous!

- I wrote a card to Holiday Mail for Heroes today.  Per the Red Cross:  "Once a year, we get the joy of delivering holiday greetings to veterans, military families and active-duty service members at hospitals and installations around the world."  It felt pretty awesome to send a little note of greetings and thanks to them.

- I had four homemade scarves to donate this winter.  I've been knitting for the sake of knitting on and off since July or August, and it feels good to give what I've made to a good cause.  I had an opportunity to sell my scarves in a local store a couple of months ago, but I had to turn it down.  Making and donating them to someone who really needs them makes me happy.  I don't have much to give, but it's a little something I can do.

- It snowed a couple of weeks ago!!  It was just flurries, but it was beautiful!  Falling from the sky that night were the quintessential six-pointed, perfectly shaped snowflakes.  I stared at them in wonder as they landed individually on my coat.  I've either never seen or just hadn't noticed any before.  Usually when I see snow, it's coming down in clumps, so maybe I just hadn't had the chance before.  Either way, it was beautiful and strange for November in this part of NC.  I loved it!

- We had a flood a couple of weeks ago too... at work.  I walked in one day to find the entire front of the building (the store, groom room, office, hallway, bathrooms, mini-kitchen, drying areas) under at least two inches of water.  A pipe had burst in a wall overnight, and who knows how long it had been pouring out.  We spent about two hours squeegeeing it all either out the front door or into a drain in the hallway bathroom.  It was rough.

All in all, life is still good.  This stretch from Halloween to New Years is my favorite time of year, and I am thoroughly enjoying it!

All Around Good

What a crazy week it's been!  First of all, I have a new niece!  I got a call around 2am Thursday morning saying it was time for my sister's baby to be born!  I got up and rushed over to their house.  Things seemed like they were in full swing, but just like with her first birth, they slowed and kinda stopped for awhile.  The little girl didn't actually emerge until 2:30 that afternoon.  The proud mama was exhausted and actually gave us a scare after the birth.  She lost a lot of blood and almost passed out.  She was hooked up to an IV for quite awhile and confined to the bed for a couple of days. She gets rechecked today and can hopefully get off bed restriction.

All her actual sisters couldn't make it, so I'm glad I could be there for her.  I got to hold the new little one for quite awhile as they worked on mama.  She is precious!  I watched her look up at her mom while she was holding her and just melted.  The connection there was absolutely unbelievable.  I want that so much.

In other crazy news, my roommate is practically engaged.  The guy that visited her about a month ago has turned into her one, and they've decided they want to have a life together.  He's buying a ring this weekend.  She got an awesome deal on a wedding dress a few days ago.  Oh, and she's moving to California next month!  He's out there for the next couple of years until he retires from the Marines, and she's going to join him.  They want to move back here after that, but we'll see.  I'm going to miss her terribly!!

I will be getting my house all to myself though!  She had originally committed to staying with me a year.  She thought about staying the full time until her fairly well off fella offered to pay her half of the rent until the summer, which....

...is when my fella will hopefully move in!  We've pretty much decided we want to spend our lives together too.  I'm so excited and am so in love again.  I really wondered if I'd ever get to feel like this again.  I feel very lucky.  We were talking about everything again last week, and he said "I guess I'm going to have to propose soon, huh?" with a smile. 

Aaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!  I'm pretty stoked :)

We had a hard time for a long time, and I really think we needed it.  We saw all sides of each other and learned a lot about what we want.  We came out on the other side stronger and more appreciative.  We communicate more efficiently and compromise better.

He loves me for me, as I do him.  I love how I can be completely myself around him.  He's not going to be scared away.  And as silly as we act together, this really feels like a grown up, adult relationship.  About time, seeing as I'm 30 and he's 36, haha!

I'm actually pretty happy with my life right now!  :D

Vacation

My week of vacation is approaching its end.  The first part was absolutely amazing.  Friday I drove to Raleigh and stayed the night with a "sister".  We stayed in and up late just talking.  It was so nice.  Saturday morning we went out to breakfast, then I made my way to Charlotte.  Another sis and I went out to dinner then to see Matt Nathanson in concert.  I'd been trying to see that man for years and had the best time!  Even got a few decent pics...

Sunday we slept in and went out for breakfast with her baby, hubs and some in-laws.  I played with the baby all afternoon and then we had a fabulous dinner.  Monday morning they went to work, and I slept in a little.  I was headed back to Raleigh to stay with that sister again, but she didn't get home from work until sixish, so I had some time to kill in Charlotte.  Of course I went to IKEA!  Spent quite a few hours walking around and managed to get out of there with some good stuff and only thirty dollars lighter.

The drive back to Raleigh was spent singing very loudly and badly to Nathanson albums (I'm only a little obsessed with his music, that's all) and went by quickly.  That night we went downtown to a great sushi place and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves.  The next morning I woke up feeling like crap... I picked up the cold that the baby had.  The drive home was not fun.  I got back and crashed, then went to the boyfriend's house for the night.  Woke up to this...

A-d-o-r-a-b-l-e

Got another cute pic later that morning...

Yes, I am quite obsessed with my dogs! :)

The rest of the week has been spent mostly resting and trying to get over this damned cold!  Bleh!

Space Filler

Today's been good!  Got to sleep in and relax this morning.  The roommate had a fella visiting from across the country the past few days.  He and I visited her at work today (she's a server and at very nice restaurant, and he treated me to lunch!) and then I took him to the airport so he could reluctantly fly home.  He's quite smitten with my roommate.  After that I was supposed to go shopping with a friend to help her pick out jewelry that compliments her gorgeous dress for the Marine Corps ball, but she was sick, so I went back home and took a nap.  What a bum I am.

Now I'm about to drag out my luggage for my trip Friday.  Visiting a "sister" and her hubs in Raleigh that night, then to Charlotte for a concert and visiting another "sister" and her hubs and baby over the weekend.  Back to Raleigh for Monday night, then home Tuesday for relaxing the rest of my week of vacation!

My local "sister" is due to have her baby any time now, and I'm hoping the little one will wait until I'm back home.  You know, because that fits my schedule better.  I told her if she goes into labor Saturday, I will probably have been drinking and will have to wait a few hours before I can head back.  I'd really hate to miss that concert (I've been wanting to see this guy for years!), but I would for her.  If the baby waits until after I go back to work, that could be tricky too.  I'll be on call for jury duty about an hour away for two weeks starting the week after vaca.  Fun.  So yeah, I hope the baby makes her appearance sometime from next Tuesday to Sunday.  But no pressure.

The boy and I are still perfect.  We hung out this weekend and had a great time.  He's puppy sitting while I'm away, and I'm taking my pooch over to his place tomorrow evening.  I get so excited to see him.  We text and talk every day, and every time something funny or interesting happens I want to tell him right away.  I'm pretty smitten with him.

That's all for now.  Hoping this weekend will give me more to write about.

Woah!

Wow, it's been a crazy long time since I've written.  There's been plenty to write about, but I either didn't know how to put it all into words or just didn't feel like it.  Work is going well.  The manager has been out a good amount lately, which has been a little stressful for me, but we're getting through it.  One girl I've worked with for a really long time has been addicted to pills and almost got fired, but I think she's finally decided she wants to quit and has seemed better this past week.  I'm planning a vacation at the end of October to visit some friends and see Matt Nathanson in concert, finally!!  Excited for that and ready for a break.

I've still been hanging out once a week with the ex-bf, although we certainly don't act like we're broken up.  He even expressed the slightest bit of jealousy a couple of weeks ago at the thought of me with another guy.  He calls me beautiful all the time which he never really used to do, and I hear so much more emotion in his voice when he tells me he loves me now.  I just don't know what to think.

The new house is still awesome and definitely feels like home now.  I've been doing a lot of lawn care lately, and it feels awesome and empowering when I mow, weed eat and blow off the patio and sidewalk start to finish.  It looks really good, and I'm the only woman in my little neighborhood nook that really does it.  I even drug out the ladder yesterday to do a little maintenance outside, and the whole "I am kayak, hear me roar" thing totally applied.  It feels good.

My sister's baby shower was this weekend, and it went fairly well.  They're always awkward and never go by without some heart pangs, but it was nice.  There were kids absolutely everywhere, so I hung out away from them.  I think the worst part was actually buying the card for it the day before.  I was standing in the card aisle and reading through all the different options when it hit me.  I fought back the tears right there in the middle of the store, but a few managed to come out.

Anyways, after most of the people had left from the shower and it was just family and a couple of close friends, we had a blessing circle for the baby and that was beautiful, as always.  A little while after that more people arrived for a birthday/going away dinner for another sister, and that was fun.  Her long-time boyfriend is a Marine and will be moving a few states away for at least the next year, and she's decided to go with him.  It's only a matter of time before news of an engagement, I believe.  They're adorable together, and I'm happy for them.

The next morning all of us "sisters" and their significant others gathered at a wonderful restaurant downtown for breakfast.  Only later when looking through pictures did I realize that I was the only single, non paired up person there, and surprisingly it didn't even bother me.  Those people are my family, and I love when we're all in one town spending time together.  Even their fellas... I've known them all so long now that they feel like family too.  I'm very lucky to have such wonderful, supportive people in my life.

On the schedule today is getting my car registration renewed.  I hope it's not a process though because I also have to get the bank off the title now that I fully own it and also change it out of my married name, which I guess I never did.  After that I may hit the gym.  Oh my... exciting news... I've been loosing weight, and I feel like I'm starting to look like my old self!  I've lost about 13 pounds in the past few months, which is amazing for me, and I want to lose about 20 more and tone up.  I'm on the way!! :)

I guess that's about it for now.  Thanks for checking in.  Have a great day!

Butterflies

They're coming back... those butterflies you get in a new relationship.  But it's not new, of course, it's with the ex-bf.  We hung out Sunday night and had an a-m-a-z-i-n-g time.  We mesh really well again.  We had our first sleepover last night.  I took the dog and went to his place.  It was nice sleeping next to him.  We're finally taking our day trip this Sunday, and I'm excited to see how it goes

Part of me wonders if I'm still just holding on to him because it's comfortable.  The other part keeps saying that the butterflies and thinking about him all the time now really mean something.  I wonder if he'll want to talk about what we're doing anytime soon, or if he's cool just letting it ride for awhile.  Neither of us has even tried to approach the subject at all.  I'm okay with that right now.

In other news, I had a fabulous weekend with my "sisters".  Two of the out-of-towners were here, one with husband and baby in tow.  We all went to the beach and watched a surfing competition for a bit...

We went out to eat a few times and hung out at their parents' house playing games and talking.  It was a wonderful time, and I miss them dearly.  An adorable picture of me and my nephew got me thinking how I look like I could be a mother.  Seeing that picture made me want it even more.  But what else is new?

I did have a hard time at one place we went though.  It's a cute little shop at the beach that we always went to when we were in high school.  We went back there Sunday, and it hadn't changed it bit.  The girl behind the counter was talking to one sis's baby and commenting on the preggo-ness of the other sister.  She then said that she's pregnant too.  It was all "Oh, congratulations!  That's so exciting!", "Congrats to you too!", "When are you due?", etc.  I had to leave the store.  And of course the sisters were all oblivious to how it affected me, but that's okay.  They've got their happy, children-filled lives and should enjoy it.  I sucked it up and kept my mouth shut.  The husband of one came out and sat with me, but didn't say anything.  Maybe he got it.  Maybe he was just tired of being in the store though.

Anyways, I'm off today but feeling under the weather.  Gonna be lazy with soup, Mad Men, knitting and cuddling with my puppy.  Happy trails.

Hi There

Things have been good so far this week.  Other than a sprained ankle, I've been okay.  Thought I might be pregnant, but I think it's just side effects from the meds.  I'll find out next week.  I've actually been starting to fall for the ex-bf again.  We're still hanging out once a week, and things are amazing between us.  So far we've just been hanging out at his house mostly, but we're taking a day trip Sunday.  We'll see how that goes.  Maybe we could be right for each other.  Maybe over this next year we'll keep dating and see how it goes.  I don't know if that's smart or not, but I'm just kinda playing it all by ear.  It's not like anyone else is beating my door down.  Although I'm really not putting myself out there at all.  I could reach out to the professor and see if he's still interested, but it makes me nervous.  He knows I'm single now and hasn't contacted me.  Haven't really heard from him since February.  I don't know.  I'm not ready for more dating rejection yet.  Not sure if I'm ready for someone new anyway.

Had a Skype date with my sister and nephew this morning and am so excited that they're coming into town next weekend.  I miss them.  Had dinner and good conversation with my other sister and niece last night.  We all played, then the little one went to bed and we watched True Blood.  So much better this season.  Been watching Dexter with the ex-bf every Sunday night, and it'll be interesting to see how they end it.  I'm obsessed with How I Met Your Mother lately.  Since I'm back to no TV or cable, I've been Netflix-ing the entire series and watching it for the first time.  Love it!

So yep, that's my boring mini update.  Nothing much going on.  Just working and going day by day.  Exciting stuff.

And so, on this lazy day of doing nothing but resting my ankle, I leave you with a pic of my napping creatures just because they're adorable.

Kinda Craptastic Things

It's crazy how people from your past can still affect you.  I got a FB message this morning from a guy I went to high school with who kinda made my life hell back then.  He was asking a work-related question, and now I'm thinking he may use the services of my workplace.  And for some reason, that's got me feeling all queasy inside.  I like to leave my past in the past.  I haven't seen him in probably eleven years, and I'd like to keep it that way.  I dunno.  Just weird.

I kinda saw some sea turtles released back into the ocean yesterday.  It was crazy crowded, but cool to kinda see them swimming away.  We got there late, and the best vantage point was from standing in the water a little ways.  My pants got a good bit wet.  As we were walking back to the car, I saw a man go to the farthest picnic table (which really wasn't that far) and totally strip down, dry off and change clothes.  Awkward, but he had a nice ass.  My "sister" drove, and I think we almost died about ten times.  Seriously, she drives crazy, and we almost rear ended people at least seven or eight times, no lie.  We went to a buffet pizza place for dinner, and she had her daughter try a bite of one of the dessert ones thinking she'd like it.  Nope.  That girl cried and screamed like I've never seen her before.  It was rather embarrassing.  She finally got her calmed down, but for some reason thought it would be a good idea to offer it to her again.  And the girl started crying and carrying on all over again.  It was awesome.  I do want kids, right?

I had a plan for today to get my first mortgage payment taken care of.  I went through a different bank than I normally use to get the home loan.  I just learned yesterday (although they said they'd told me with the original paperwork... nope!) that although I set up my mortgage loan through their bank, it had actually been serviced by another one.  The bank I normally use, actually.  I think I would have remembered them telling me that, but oh well.  I had been planning to go into my bank today to get an auto draft set up so I wouldn't have to deal with mailing checks, but I logged into my online account this morning and found my mortgage info sitting right there with a nice little "Make Payment" button.  So, there went my need to go into the bank and my plans to go grocery shopping afterward.  Now, on this lovely day off, I don't need to go anywhere.  I kinda do need food, but I'm content surviving off what little is here for the day and going shopping after work tomorrow.  Imma be a bum today.

I've been thinking more about the online dating thing, and I'm still not sure if I want to try it yet.  I created this little gem this morning...

I'd always wanted to attempt to make one, and figured I'd give it a shot.  It's funny, but it's also kinda not.  I'm 30, have no idea if I'll be able to get pregnant or not and really don't want to sort through all the BS that is dating.  Can't I just put it all out there and reel in a winner?  I don't think it works like that.

Once again I'm rethinking things with the ex-boyfriend.  We had dinner at his (our) place Monday night and watched a movie while cuddling on the couch.  Seriously, if he had given me half as much attention as he does now, I could have overlooked a ton of our other issues when we were together.  That's the kind of affection I need on a regular basis to feel secure.  If I feel loved by a guy, the other stuff doesn't seem as bad.  But are his other things that bad?  Would I want to have a lifelong partner like him even if he did give me that affection?  Ugh!  He's moving out this weekend, and I'm going over there Saturday evening to clean the carpets and whatever else needs to be done.  We've both pretty much implied that we want to have sex that night.  I think we've got to stop that if I have any chance of wanting to start to date again.  Do I want to let him go?