Saturday, November 26, 2011

In A Funk

It's been going on a few days now.  Thanksgiving was bittersweet.  Work's getting complicated.  Things with the boy are weird.  We're back to benefiting, but... I guess it's still just strange for me that there's no emotion behind any of it.  I gave the online dating thing another quick shot, but just got a bunch of weirdos this time.  You'd think I would have learned by now that is not the way I'm going to find someone.

Maybe I'm just truly not ready for any of it.  My boss told me yesterday that a year is suggested to get over someone.  I've also heard half the time you were together.  I don't know.  I do know that I'm still angry and resentful.  I look forward to the day when I can think about it all and feel okay with it.  Is that how I'll know I'm ready?  Will I ever be fully okay with it?

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

"Live Free or Twi-hard"

I just saw the new Twilight movie.  The first time seeing any of them in a theater.  And guess freakin what!?  I cried.  Only a little, but there were noticeable tears.  Was it at something tear-worthy?  No!  Was it when (stop reading now if you don't want details about the movie) Bella was walking down the beautiful freakin isle?  No!  Was it when she found out she was pregnant?  No!  (Although there was a "Really?  Just like that?" moment.)  Was it when she died?!?  No!!!

It was when she woke up crying because she dreamed she actually got to have sex with her husband!!!!  After the first time she'd been wanting to again because, duh!, but he wouldn't because he didn't want to hurt her.  Yes, caring on his part.  But she wanted it!!  She wanted to feel close to her man!!  She'd waited that whole freakin time to do it and then he wouldn't anymore!!!  UGH!!!

I also got sad when she said she couldn't imagine it being any better than it was.  All I could think about was if I'll ever feel that good from sex.  If I'll ever get to experience it like it seems everyone else does.

And guess WTF else!  My friends with benefits guy hasn't wanted to benefit lately.  The last few times we've hung out he's barely touched me.  Is it me??  Have I scared another one away??

So tired of these stupid men!!!

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Will the mourning process ever end?

I really, really miss the ex right now.  Maybe just because I've been immersed in things directly and indirectly related to him lately.  I've had my wedding gown for sale for awhile, but I went through our wedding pictures recently to get some of me in it to better show how it fits.  That brought back a ton of memories.  Yesterday I took pictures of my wedding band to put online, and this week I'm putting my engagement ring in an estate jewelry consignment store.  Yesterday afternoon I went over to the new boy's house to watch football and have a few beers.  We ended up getting pizza and wings just like the ex and our old roommate would on weekends.  I got really sad.  I really missed it.  Even as I was sitting with the boy.

I miss how the ex would put his culinary degree to work and come up with the most delicious creations.  I really miss the ribs he made.  I miss making breakfast for him in the morning.  I miss how excited we'd be to see each other after he'd worked a 48-hour shift.  I miss the notes we used to leave for each other.  I miss him genuinely smiling at me.  I miss that feeling of security with him and knowing that I had found my true love.  I miss him telling me how he wanted to have a family with me.  I miss the promise of the future we were going to have together.

I don't miss being in Mississippi.  I don't miss the insecurity I felt when I was there.  I don't miss being able to feel the distance growing between us.  I don't miss how we'd tiptoe around each other.  I don't miss the wondering why in the hell he wouldn't have sex with me. 

I like how I feel about myself now.  I like how I've learned about myself and others and have opened up to the world more.  I like how I've done things I never thought I'd be able to.  And to be shallow, I really like the feeling of having several guys interested in me.  I like feeling sexy again.  And I really like having sex again.

Everything else is just going to take more time.  Like always.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Looking Ahead, Kinda

I've dreamed about the ex a couple of times in the past few days.  But instead of yelling at him like in most of them, we were talking and laughing about some old memory or traveling together as friends.  Even in the dreams it felt weird talking to and being around him like that, but it felt like progress.  I wonder if we'll ever be able to be friends.  We're not in communication with each other at all now, haven't been for months.  I don't know about for him, but for me it just hurts too much.  It hurts to even think about him.  In the back of my mind I'm still mourning the loss of that life I thought we would have.  He was my person, the one who knew and understood me the best.  I miss that.

I don't know if I can keep doing this casual thing with the new boy.  I'm really enjoying the physical aspects of it (is it sad that I like the cuddling the best?), and I can talk to him but I miss that emotional intimacy.  That part of it is just not there between us.  Not that it's supposed to be with the "arrangement" we have, but I find myself longing for it.  And not necessarily with him anymore.

I have my own version of a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet.  It's the one from my friend's Blessingway Ceremony.  You're supposed to wear it until the baby's born, but I never took mine off.  I joke that it's my "What's Gonna Get Me Knocked Up?" bracelet, but it does serve as a reminder to do what I need to get my life going in the direction I want it to again.  I want to fall in love.  I want to get married.  I want to have children.  What I'm doing now isn't going to get me there.  Then again, it's still only been a few months.  I know I'm not ready to fully love or trust again right now.  I just really, really want to be.

Sunday, November 6, 2011


Wow, I'm down to one post a week.  It feels weird not to write more.  I'm not sure that busy is the right word for why, but I have been more occupied with other things I guess.  I've been working about the same, but it's making me a lot more exhausted lately, which has been causing me to sleep a ton more.  Days and nights with no real plans I usually just nap throughout the day or crash really early.

Been hanging out with the boy some more when I'm not working or asleep.  I'm kinda confused about the whole situation with him, but am just trying to roll with it and not stress about it.  When we first "got together" it was with the mutual understanding that it was just a casual thing.  We enjoy hanging out with each other and just happen to do other things too.  But there's no commitment, no pressure for anything more.  I think I've purposely not let myself get too emotionally attached.  He says he doesn't want a relationship right now, and that's cool with me, but he kinda acts like he does.  To be honest, I wouldn't mind if we were to start officially dating.  He's caring, always calls and wants to see me every two or three days, whether we have sex or not.

When we're hanging out together things are great.  But here's where the casual part comes in... when we're around other people it's like there's nothing between us.  We're still friendly towards each other, but there's no hint that there's ever been anything more.  Our mutual friends all know that we've been hanging out and pretty much suspect that there's something going on, but he denies it.  Is that what casual is all about?  I really don't know since I've never done it this way before.  Am I just trying to read more into it than is really there?  I do have a tendency to do that.

Maybe he's just the perfect rebound guy, and I should be happy with that for right now.  Enjoy it for what it is and not over think it all.