Hello Again

This probably won't become a regular thing, so don't get your hopes up, but I want to write... something.  I've debated if it should be in a journal or just a note on my phone. Then I remembered this place, but it felt kind of weird coming back here. Even though this has been my safe space, I think I was using it in the wrong way. I feel I became self-indulgent here, and I don't want to do that again. 

My life is completely different now, and even though I have a lot of the same feelings and emotional struggles, I think I'm in a better place mentally to not go down that road again. With my bouts of depression and anxiety I tend to get really down, and it's been happening more lately. I believe quite a bit of it has been due to the holidays and missing my mother so much; I am still so very sad that she's not around to know her grandson, especially this time of year. But through everything a single thought keeps coming back and hitting me…

I have everything I’ve always wanted out of life.

Yes, there are things I'd still like to do and places I want to see and live, but the one main dream I've had for my life has come to be. How incredible is that? How lucky am I? 

I've found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Together we created this perfect little human being who happens to be the coolest little dude I've ever met. I wasn't sure I'd get to experience any of that.

My heart now swells daily, and I am so very thankful for that.

Dream Come True

You know how my whole life all I've ever wanted is to have a family?

I'M FUCKING PREGNANT!!!!

Oh. My. God.  I still can't believe it!  And on the freakin first month off of birth control.  No way did I ever think it would happen this fast and I was fully prepared for it to be a long process.  Nope!

So, getting personal here...

A few days after I should have ovulated, my boobs got super sore and my nipples just stayed in a constant state of alert.  Which they never do.  It was so freakin weird.  I figured it was just PMS starting early and coming on strong.  So, I got closer and closer to when AF was due and was slightly cramping, but had no spotting, which I always do.

So I decided to take a test.

I laid it down, set a timer, and walked out of the room fully expecting to return to a single line.  Like always.  I had to walk back in to get something and decided to just peek at it even though there were a few minutes left.

Big, dark BFP staring right at me!

No fucking way.  Are you serious?  OH MY GOD!!!

Shake, laugh, and cry.  That's what I did.  It was later morning, and the boyfriend wouldn't be home until evening, and I decided not to call him at work.  I did take another test just to see, and sure enough, another BFP.  Sweet!

I headed to the computer and researched some interesting ways to tell him.  Many would take some planning, and I didn't want to wait.  I had a huge multi-picture frame thing that I'd been wanting to fill up, so I decided to use that.  I took a selfie of me holding the positive test and one of the dog in shaming style with a sign that said "I will not bark at the baby."  I filled the remaining spots with pictures of the two of us.

I covered it with a blanket and prepared for a grand reveal.  He came home, and I let him get settled while acting totally normal.  I told him I wanted to show him something I had made that day and he followed me over.  I should have ripped the blanket off all at once, but he grabbed a corner and just saw the picture of the dog and sign.  He looked at me and asked, "Is that supposed to mean something?"  I told him "Yes."  He replied, "Really?" "Yep."  Then he smiled and hugged me.  It was wonderful.

We ended up telling family and very close friends.  Everyone was so excited, and I loved getting to say the words, "I'm pregnant."

His brother and sister-in-law invited us for dinner the next day, and on the way over we got to talking about getting married.  We wanted to go ahead and make it legal, then have a ceremony this summer.

We're getting married tomorrow!!  I'm overjoyed.

While we were with his family, we asked their opinions on dates and venues and ended up doing a full on search almost all night.  We've pretty much decided on somewhere in the NC mountains.  I've got two meetings in the next couple of weeks set up to tour places that have our date available.  I can't believe this is all happening so quickly.  A week ago I didn't even know I was pregnant, much less that we'd be getting married anytime soon.

This is incredible.

Winter Update

It's been over two months... damn!  I really don't know why I don't write as much lately.  Maybe because when I'm happy I don't feel the need to get things out here?  And I have been very happy.  Most of it is due to the fella... actually the same one from the last post!

We've been going strong for about three and a half months now, and I'm totally in love.  I told him that a couple of weeks ago, and he said he felt the same.  He actually said that before he met me he'd been planning to move away at the beginning of the year.  He's not happy with his job or his current location and still does want to move somewhere at some point.  I don't know why I only seem to find guys who want to move away.  But I'm kind of at a point where I might want to also.  Maybe.  I go back and forth.  I did it before, and it didn't work out so well.  But I am older now and would hopefully be able to do it right this time.  I do want to settle down and have kids, but I would like to start that here because my support system, my family and friends, are here.  Maybe if we get that far he would be open to moving in a few years.  I may be thinking too far ahead right now... it's only been three months.  But that's what I do.

Work has also been a bit more stressful lately.  The work itself hasn't changed other than it being busier for the holidays.  My manager's life has changed though.  She's now back in the single life and trying to party it up with the younger employees during off time.  Which is nice for her because she never really had that opportunity when she was younger.  But they're all even more buddy-buddy now at work, and I feel like it's social hour all the time.  When I ask them to do something, it seems like they resent me for it.  But when she does, it's all good because she's their pal now.  I need to just get over the high-school drama feel, but it's hard when you spend a majority of your time with these people.  And I'm now the oldest person there, so that doesn't help.

I'm going to be 34 in less than two months.  And I'm childless.  I started trying to get pregnant before any of my four "sisters", and now they're about to have seven children between them.  It's still fucking hard to face that.  Christmas was difficult.  Two of them (one with a big ol' pregnant belly again) with their spouses and three children gathered at their parent's house.  All of them paired off and then me, alone because my fella was out of town with his family.  Watching them all so happy with the kids running around and opening presents was so much harder than I had anticipated.  I don't know why, because it is every single time we all congregate.  But I thought maybe because I am now in a relationship with a hopefully promising future I would feel different.  Nope.  That ache of wanting a child of my own still overpowers everything.  The jealousy of my best friends having that.  Maybe one day I'll get to experience it, and hopefully that feeling will go away.  I just want a modern-day happily ever after... is that too much to ask for?

I said I was happy at the beginning of this, but maybe I'm not as much as I thought.  I ended up writing more glumly than I imagined I would.  Maybe it's just the stress of the holidays putting a temporary damper on things.  I've also been PMS'ing pretty hard this month and have been overly emotional the past week.

But I am incredibly happy with my fella and am so very thankful that we met.  Most of my people have now met him and they all like him.  I've met his family and some friends.  His parents like me, which is always a good thing.  He is my bright spot.  I hope we continue to move forward as happy together as we are now.

I Am Enough

I currently write as Hurricane Matthew passes through.  A little wind and a lot of rain so far.  Many places in town are flooding.  I'm hunkered down in the house until tomorrow, hoping no tree limbs crash through the fence again.  It's actually the first totally down day I've had in quite awhile.  I've been a busy bee lately because....

I met a guy.

What a broken record I am on here.

Anyway, this guy is incredible.  We started dating about three weeks ago, and the magic is totally there.  And luckily, the feeling seems to be mutual for him.  Honestly, the feelings are very similar to how I felt about my ex-husband when we started dating, and I'm trying to take that as a good sign.  I'm still very much in the infatuation stage and am enjoying every single minute of it.

I had forgotten what this feels like... the beginning of something with potential to actually develop into a significant relationship.  To truly like and care about someone and to think about him all of the time.  The giddiness and the butterflies.  To feel such an urgency for the day to pass quickly so you can see him that evening.  To see him putting forth just as much effort to see you whenever he can.  For it to feel natural and unforced, easy and uncomplicated.

And I won't lie... it's awesome to get this sexually worked up over someone again.  The sex is amazing.  He's the first partner I've had to make me feel really good from penetration alone.  In the past it's felt good, but not like this!  And sex with him doesn't hurt.  Like, at all.  He is the first man I've been with where it hasn't hurt even a little.  And it's not like he's lacking in the size department at all!  I haven't had much sex since my endometriosis excision surgery, so I don't know if it's from that or what.  I haven't pursued any physical therapy for my pelvic floor dysfunction.  Maybe it just comes with age?  I don't know, but I'm choosing to believe it's because we fit together just right.  ;)

And even though I trust him entirely, my past lingers in the back of my mind telling me to be cautious.  Because I have grown attached to him so quickly, I'm nervous about losing him.  I worry that I'm not enough or that someone else will catch his eye.  I know that him leaving wouldn't be the end of the world and I would move on, but this seems like it could turn into what I've been waiting for, and the thought of losing that again is heartbreaking.  

But I am choosing to pursue this with a wide open heart and am being completely myself with him, hoping that it will bring me to where I've always wanted.  Knowing that ultimately it will be whatever it turns out to be, and that I truly am enough either way.

Whole30

Today has been a fun-filled one full of cooking.  And I don't even like cooking.

My chiropractor has been getting on me lately about trying the Whole30 program to see if it could help with the inflammation around my back and also improve my health in general.  At first I kinda considered it, but didn't really look into it.  I knew it meant cutting out grain goods and dairy and I didn't think I could do it.  I didn't want to.

A couple of weeks ago she suggested it again, and for some reason I started doing some research.  Then something switched in my brain, and I started really wanting to do it.  I've been overweight for several years now, and that spare tire has not been good for my already fragile self-esteem and confidence.  I knew this would be a good way to seriously attempt to lose some weight, and it would only be thirty days.  I figured I could do that.

And so I did.  I knew there would be a birthday potluck for a girl at work that would have particularly delicious dishes, so I chose to start the day after that, which was Tuesday.  I am currently on Day 5 and going strong.  Day 1 was good, but Days 2 & 3 kicked my ass.  I had pounding headaches and no energy at all.  I guess from all the bad junk leaving my body?  I was craving everything I couldn't have, and it didn't help that there were tons of sweet goodies at work.

But I've resisted, and it's paying off.  As of yesterday I've already lost four pounds!  I weighed myself three times to make sure the scale was correct, and even then I wasn't convinced.  I've never lost that much is such a short period of time.  You're not supposed to weigh yourself at all during the thirty days, but I just couldn't help it.  I really wanted to see if I'd made any progress, and knowing that I have has given me even more determination to keep with it.

I didn't plan for the start of it very well, and I got pretty bored of the food.  I'd eat a couple of eggs for breakfast and have some tea.  I am not a fan of tea and actually went back to coffee today and added a little coconut milk and cinnamon.  I'd have some fruit and leftovers for lunch.  For dinner every single night I was making chicken and vegetables.  It was good, but it was getting rough.

This week I've prepped much better!  I looked up recipes and stocked up at the grocery store.  I did a lot of cooking today so there won't be quite as much through the week.

Firstly, I made ghee!  I'm not sure I've ever even tried it, but I'm getting tired of cooking everything with EVOO and needed another option.  Plus I figured if it involved butter it had to be good!  I followed this recipe from The Healthy Foodie.  It was pretty simple, and I can't wait to try it tomorrow!

Freshly made and a few hours later

Next I wanted to make the meatballs found here at Stay Fit Mom.  I changed the recipe a little by using ground turkey instead of beef and left out the onions.  They were so good!  I wanted the spaghetti and meatballs experience, so I used a peeler to make zucchini "noodles" and threw together a makeshift tomato sauce.  All together they made a pretty damn good dish.

I had some extra turkey and pork left over and decided to try my hand at the scotch eggs from Stupid Easy Paleo.  I medium-ish boiled the eggs and left out the spice mix and honey.  Basically it was just meat and sea salt, but it seriously tasted like some sausage.  These are going to be part of my breakfasts this week.

They look rough but, my, are they tasty.

I'm so glad I started the Whole30 and am pretty stoked to hopefully continue seeing results.  And I'm super excited to try more of the recipes I've found.  I really hope that after the thirty days I'll want to keep up the healthy eating and stick to a mostly Paleo diet.  Well, we'll see.  At least healthier anyway.

New Developments

First thing first... I have a new nephew!  My youngest "sister" had her first child, a boy, a little over a week ago.  He is gorgeous, and she is so happy!  They live very far away, and I have no idea when I'll get to see them but I can't wait to meet him!

I also have a new little one, but of the four-legged and furry variety.  This is my new kitten...

She's about seven weeks old and all of two pounds.  She was found by a co-worker's boyfriend under the hood of a car that had been driven to his shop to get worked on.  Luckily the person lived just down the street, and the three kittens inside weren't hurt at all.  I fell in love with her as soon as I saw her picture.  I've sworn up and down over the years that I would never have another kitten, but here she is.  My first cat was a little hellion as a wee one, and I've had no desire to go through that again.  But I've now got him all grown up and a dog to play with her, so I think it'll be okay.  Plus she already has the sweetest disposition I think I've ever seen in a kitten, so that's on her side too, haha.

I had lunch with my ex-boyfriend's mother a little while ago, and apparently it freaked him the mess out.  Which I of course find hilarious.  She doesn't know that he cheated on me, and I guess he was afraid that I would tell her.  She told him about our lunch date a week before we actually met up, so he got to fret for a while.  He wanted to know all about it and texted me not even a few hours after the fact.  Of course I didn't tell her, but I do get a tiny bit of enjoyment from his freakout.

He's been texting me every so often, trying to remain friends.  He said the other day that he misses us (me and the pets) and thinks about us every day.  And that he knows how to ruin a good thing.  Of course I'm over thinking the fact that he said he misses us and not just me.  I know our pets were and still are a huge part of our lives, and he loves mine too.  But I'm wondering if he misses that part of the relationship, our life altogether, more than being with me.

Someone asked me out the other day.  Technically, he asked me to "hang out", but that's the same thing these days, right?  I hate dating.  He's currently out of town for work, but asked if I would be interested in meeting up with him when he gets back.  I said yes.  Not sure how I feel about it or him yet... I only met him once a couple of years ago.  But I guess it'll be good to get that first date back in the stupid game out of the way.  From all I've heard about him, he could be a really good guy, so who knows.

I'm still worried about my back.  It was feeling somewhat better, but this past weekend it started hurting really badly again.  But AF is in town, and it always hurts then, so I'll give it a little more time before I call the doc.  Oh, and I got the final bill for the endo surgery.  Yeah... I'm going to be paying medical debts for the rest of my life.  Le sigh.

Oh, and I totally forgot to mention that I got a new piercing about six weeks ago.  I'd been wanting a non-traditional ear piercing for a long time, but never could decide what.  Then one day I decided to do it and got my inner conch pierced.  I love it!

So, yeah.  Mostly good things lately.

This is a long one...

(That's what she said... maybe?)

So many things are going on and running through my mind right now!  All good things!

Health-wise, I'm doing pretty great!  My sciatic pain comes once every so often, but it's very minimal and doesn't last long.  The doctor said that's normal and will get better with time.  The incision still gets a little sore but that's getting better too.  The middle part of my back is causing a little trouble now, but I guess it's having to work a little harder since I'm trying my best not to use the lower part much.

I'm scheduled to go back to work this coming Wednesday and I'm really nervous.  I've been relatively inactive during my recovery and get worn out pretty easily.  I'm not supposed to bend or twist or pick up anything heavier than a chunky chihuahua.  All of those are kinda part of the job, but I'm going to be pretty adamant that I'll be staying at the desk for a while.  At work I've always done what's needed and disregarded the pain.  Not anymore.  I've finally learned that my physical well being is more important than the job.  On a side note, I just realized that today marks three years since I've been back there.  Wow.

These past couple of weeks I've mainly been a housewife, and I've actually really loved it.  If I could make the little online job I've been doing since out of work pay the bills I totally would.  This whole time I've only made about a hundred bucks at it.  Oh well, every little bit helps.

I received the scariest doctor bill I've ever gotten in my life yesterday.  Over $19,000.  Luckily insurance is paying for that.  I can't even imagine the amount of freaking out I'd be doing right now if not for the insurance I got just two months ago.  In total, I think all of this would have ended up around $27,000 when all said and done.  Geez.

Other news on the home front.  Huge freakin fantastic news!  The boyfriend and I are now on the fast track!  He's ready to get married and start a family!!  I told him I'm due to get a refill on my birth control next week, and he said he thought I should stop taking it.  I told him my back needs to get better before we get pregnant, and these next few months will be for my body to get back to ovulating.  We even started discussing baby names, which blew me away!  Eeeek!

I then asked his opinion on getting engaged in the next couple of months, and he was cool with it!  He still can't afford a ring yet, and lately we've been pondering putting the diamond from my old engagement ring in a new setting.  It was actually my grandmother's, and she left it to me when she passed away.  I've been trying to sell it since the divorce because I didn't think I'd want to wear it again, but had no buyers.  I've come to realize that I don't associate it with my ex anymore.  I look at it and think of my grandmother and realize that I truly don't want to part with it, no matter how much the money from it could help.

So, in true girl fashion, here are some of the settings I've been looking at...  Picture a beautiful round champagne colored diamond in them.

Gorgeous!  All of them!  And actually in our price range.  :)

And last, but definitely not least, we've started pre-gaming for house hunting!  The bf has been spending a lot of time online looking at houses.  We contacted a realtor who will be on the lookout for us.  We've started talking about the minor renovations we need to do to the house before we put it on the market.  We're also paying close attention to a house in our little nook that went up for sale about a month ago.  It's the exact same floor plan and square footage as ours, but they're asking $20,000 more than what I bought this one for!  We're very interested to see how long it'll be on the market and what it will actually sell for.

So that's the update on all that.  I'm pretty excited about everything right now.  Except work... really don't wanna go back, haha!

My Heart is Aflutter

The boyfriend said many sweet things yesterday that made me fall in love with him all over again.

I know he can't afford an engagement ring yet and I've been suggesting a very real looking fake ring for the past couple of months.  He hates the idea and has not entertained the thought one bit.  We were talking about all sorts of things yesterday and we got to joking about that.  I said, "Forty bucks and you're done!  What's the problem??"  And he immediately said back, "BECAUSE YOU MEAN MORE TO ME THAN THAT!"  Aaah!  I melted.  It was so sweet.

Later we were talking about my birth control, and he said, "Why don't you just stop taking it?  I'll put a little one in there for ya," as he rubbed my stomach!  Aaah!!  Killed me!  In all seriousness though, he did say he'd be fine with us starting to TTC now in case we have trouble with it.  I said I wanted to get through this possible back surgery fiasco and then go from there.

Then he totally surprised me with this next one.  When we got back together we compromised and decided that we would stay here for us to have a child, then move out towards Western NC when it was a few years old.  He hates this area, but my family and support system are here, so we agreed that plan worked for us both.  Well... yesterday he said absolutely out of no where that he'd be fine staying here if we could find another house that he'd be more comfortable in.  One with neighbors that aren't as close to us, one with a garage and a huge back yard for the dogs.  One possibly on the water.  Something we could really settle down and grow old in.  AAAH!  Craziness!!  Never ever ever did I think he'd want that.  He said he's really been thinking about it though, and it would just be such a hassle to pack up everything, move across the state, find a new place and new jobs.

I just don't know what to think about all this wonderfulness!

I Shaved My Legs!!

Today is the bf's and my second anniversary!  We've been on and off through them, but today marks two years since we first met and is when we've chosen to celebrate.  We were going to have dinner at the restaurant where we first met, but unfortunately that's not gonna happen... I'm still having a lot of trouble just walking around the house.

I did manage to shave my legs (among other areas) for the first time in awhile!  This was huge for me, haha.  Showers are tough when you can't stand up for long.

So, those are my and our accomplishments for the day!  It's the little things.  :)

♪ Breakdown... go ahead and give it to me! ♫

A little Tom Petty to start your morning.

I have been on vacation from work going on 72 hours now.  It's been busy so far, but now I'm... aaaaahhhh.  That was a relaxing one, not a screaming one.  I'm sipping coffee now catching up on some internet stuff.  This is the first time I've slowed down since being released at noon on Saturday.

Got out of work and had a nice couple come over to look at my old wedding dress I've been trying to sell for years.  She tried it on and said she'd get back to me.  I headed to visit my parents like I do every Saturday afternoon.  Ended up using a chainsaw for the first time to chop down and up a small tree that had fallen in their yard.  I was all "I am kayak, hear me roar" again, but my step-dad pointed out that I'm working for that canoe.  Yes, yes I am.   And I'm okay with that.  :)

After leaving their house, I headed to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription of birth control, my miracle pain management drug, with my spiffy new insurance.  It went from $75 for a three-month supply to absolutely nothing.  Zilch, zero, nada.  The lady checking me out said, "Well, that's a big difference" as she just handed me the bag.  I was all.... huh??  This is the first time I've had insurance in a very long time, and I really didn't know if there would be a copay or what, so I was floored when she told me it didn't cost me anything.  So awesome!  And very helpful.  I'm very thankful.

Saturday evening I headed to the boyfriend's house and we had a nice dinner.  Sunday we went on the hunt for yellow shoelaces for my Chucks for the EndoMarch, but could not find any anywhere.  We must have looked in five different shoe stores.  They had neon yellow, but not regular old yellow.  Ended up buying ten feet of parachute (not sure if that was the brand or what it was) cord and cutting it down to size.  Whatever works.

Went back to his place and played with the dogs in the back yard for a long time.  It was a beautiful sunny day, and we saw a gorgeous bald eagle floating and soaring in the wind above us.  I haven't seen one since I was very young and lived more inland.  I've never seen one here before.  It was amazing.

Yesterday, well, I guess I slowed down in the morning.  I was a bum.  Then I met my parents for an early dinner at a local seafood restaurant they've been wanting to try.  It was yummy.  Then I attempted to buy jeans.  Yeah, that never works.  Nothing ever fits right.  So I took myself to Michael's and bought a yellow hat and iron on decals for the EndoMarch.  We'll see how that goes today.

Last night I babysat my two nieces for a bit while her mother went to teach a yoga class.  It tried my patience a little, but I'm proud to say I came out with a win.  Not bad for my first time babysitting two youngins!  When my sis returned home, we did our weekly dinner and watched the newest Grey's Anatomy.  That's our show, yo. 

Tonight I'm attending my first FB virtual party.  It's for Jamberry Nails.  I love nail stuff, so should be interesting.  Maybe I'll win a little something.

This recap has been interesting stuff, I know.  Hehe.  Anyways, I'm off to officially start my day of prep for traveling to DC tomorrow and for the EndoMarch Thursday... but that's another post.  :)

Rants and Raves

Today is the boyfriend's birthday.  Last week I found him the perfect present on eBay and promptly committed to buying and paid as soon as I saw it.  It was marked as shipped Saturday and was expected to be delivered by yesterday.  No package yesterday.  I got home for my lunch break today and got all excited when I saw the mail carrier pull up.  No package for me.  So I went online to check things out and saw a tracking number had been added recently.  I clicked on the number to find that it had just been shipped yesterday.  What?!?  Grrrr....

So I calmly and politely sent a message to the sender asking for clarification.  A couple of hours later, I got this...

Notice the "y" in "apologyze".  And then a few minutes later...

First off, grammar please.  Secondly, sure buddy, I'll be sure to let you know.  Hope it's not an inconvenience if I forget.

Just aggravating.  I understand that things come up, but don't mark something as shipped and then actually ship it four days later.  So I got the boyfriend this as a stand in...

Yum!  I may or may not have gotten one for myself also...

He was perfectly fine with that.

That was my rant.  Now for my rave... the boyfriend said he just may move in with me sooner than this summer!  Maybe even pretty damn soon.  He's been renting this overpriced, junky little house but hasn't wanted to break his lease because the rental company really helped him get it in a jam.  But the heating/AC unit is pretty much dead and has been causing him to have $500 utility bills this winter, which he just can't afford.  They sent people out to fix it numerous times, but it just kept breaking.  They finally decided a couple of weeks ago that the unit is kaput and needs to be replaced, but they haven't said when.  The owner of the house has mentioned wanting to sell it and may do so "as is" and not replace it.  So the bf really has no idea, but he can't afford that high bill each month.

I've been trying to get him to move in since the roommate moved out, but this is the first he's actually really considered it.  He likes to think on things for a while, so it may be a bit longer.  But it's something!

I've enjoyed my couple of months of living alone, but I'm cool with that coming to an end.  We only really get to hang out a couple of days a week, and I get so tired of saying goodbye to him on "school nights."  I think I'm starting to wear him down.  :)

Snowy Birthday

Today is my birthday, and I am feeling so full of hope.  Maybe because I always enjoy my birthday.  A lot of days I don't feel so hopeful or useful or successful, but on my birthday, for at least one day of the year, I let myself feel special.

I'm 31 today, and I have a lot to be thankful for.  It's a beautiful snow day.  We got about ten inches yesterday, which is pretty unheard of in this part of the state.  There's supposed to be a wintry mix of precipitation for a good part of today that will switch to just rain later.  So hopefully the roads will be okay later for me to travel on to see my wonderful boyfriend.  I really want some birthday nookie, hehe.

I'm very thankful for him, not just for the nookie.  He's got a unique personality which has taken me awhile to get truly familiar with, but I love him dearly for it.  It's taken him awhile to navigate my personality too, but now that we know each other so well, we click amazingly. 

I've already received so many well birthday wishes from friends and family, and it warms my heart to think that so many people care about me.  I am lucky to have such a wonderful support system.

I've got this crazy guy...

I joked he was warning me not to cut his nails, but he was really just yawning.  He and my wild pups round out my life and make it so fun.

On this cold day, I have a warm house and food to eat.  These are just a few, and I have so many more things to be thankful for.

Including pancakes.

Which I'm going to make right now.

Everyone have a wonderful day!

More Bullet Points

I don't know why I don't write as much anymore.  Every time I sit down to do it I draw a blank.  I get to thinking that when I'm happy there's not a whole lot of interesting thing to write about.  So, here's a list in no particular order...

- The roommate became officially engaged yesterday.  Her fiance flew over late Thanksgiving day and will be with us for a week.  He proposed yesterday morning, and she's crazy happy.  They have this long plan, but the basics of it all is that they're getting married on paper at the courthouse next week, which I will be the witness of.  Then they'll have an actual wedding sometime next year, which she asked me to be maid of honor at.  Eeeeek!

- Thanksgiving was good.  My mother had to go into work in the afternoon, so we had a lunch.  The boyfriend had to work all day, so I took him a big plate of leftovers.  I headed to my "sisters'" parents' house for desserts and hanging out in the evening.  It was a good day.

- For once, it felt awesome to be surrounded by kids at Thanksgiving.  My sisters' three kids are three weeks, 10 months, and two years old... and I got to play with them all.  Usually I shy away, but these kids are definitely family.  When someone asked if anyone wanted to hold the smallest for a bit, I jumped right up and savored the opportunity.  I see her every week, but I love holding that little one.  Being around them makes me feel more confident about how I'll be as a mother one day.

- I am now known for my caramel pecan pie.  I made a couple for a staff potluck a couple of weeks ago and had a coworker ask if I'd make her one for Thanksgiving, which I did.  She asked me for more at Christmas, as did another coworker.  Making a few bucks in the process, not too shabby.  I took one to my parents' house.  I took one to the dinner at the sisters', and it had been highly anticipated.  One particular "in-law" loved it so much last year and had been looking forward to it this year.  I may start taking one every time I visit them, haha.

- The boyfriend and I are still doing amazingly!  His work schedule is about to change, so we'll get two whole days to spend with each other during the week now instead of one.  I can't wait!  He's about to get a decent raise soon too, which I know will help him.  He works so hard, and I'm so proud of him.

- He's going to help me put up my new Christmas tree next week, which is beautiful!  It's all rustic-looking with pine cones and berries.  It's going to look fabulous!

- I wrote a card to Holiday Mail for Heroes today.  Per the Red Cross:  "Once a year, we get the joy of delivering holiday greetings to veterans, military families and active-duty service members at hospitals and installations around the world."  It felt pretty awesome to send a little note of greetings and thanks to them.

- I had four homemade scarves to donate this winter.  I've been knitting for the sake of knitting on and off since July or August, and it feels good to give what I've made to a good cause.  I had an opportunity to sell my scarves in a local store a couple of months ago, but I had to turn it down.  Making and donating them to someone who really needs them makes me happy.  I don't have much to give, but it's a little something I can do.

- It snowed a couple of weeks ago!!  It was just flurries, but it was beautiful!  Falling from the sky that night were the quintessential six-pointed, perfectly shaped snowflakes.  I stared at them in wonder as they landed individually on my coat.  I've either never seen or just hadn't noticed any before.  Usually when I see snow, it's coming down in clumps, so maybe I just hadn't had the chance before.  Either way, it was beautiful and strange for November in this part of NC.  I loved it!

- We had a flood a couple of weeks ago too... at work.  I walked in one day to find the entire front of the building (the store, groom room, office, hallway, bathrooms, mini-kitchen, drying areas) under at least two inches of water.  A pipe had burst in a wall overnight, and who knows how long it had been pouring out.  We spent about two hours squeegeeing it all either out the front door or into a drain in the hallway bathroom.  It was rough.

All in all, life is still good.  This stretch from Halloween to New Years is my favorite time of year, and I am thoroughly enjoying it!

All Around Good

What a crazy week it's been!  First of all, I have a new niece!  I got a call around 2am Thursday morning saying it was time for my sister's baby to be born!  I got up and rushed over to their house.  Things seemed like they were in full swing, but just like with her first birth, they slowed and kinda stopped for awhile.  The little girl didn't actually emerge until 2:30 that afternoon.  The proud mama was exhausted and actually gave us a scare after the birth.  She lost a lot of blood and almost passed out.  She was hooked up to an IV for quite awhile and confined to the bed for a couple of days. She gets rechecked today and can hopefully get off bed restriction.

All her actual sisters couldn't make it, so I'm glad I could be there for her.  I got to hold the new little one for quite awhile as they worked on mama.  She is precious!  I watched her look up at her mom while she was holding her and just melted.  The connection there was absolutely unbelievable.  I want that so much.

In other crazy news, my roommate is practically engaged.  The guy that visited her about a month ago has turned into her one, and they've decided they want to have a life together.  He's buying a ring this weekend.  She got an awesome deal on a wedding dress a few days ago.  Oh, and she's moving to California next month!  He's out there for the next couple of years until he retires from the Marines, and she's going to join him.  They want to move back here after that, but we'll see.  I'm going to miss her terribly!!

I will be getting my house all to myself though!  She had originally committed to staying with me a year.  She thought about staying the full time until her fairly well off fella offered to pay her half of the rent until the summer, which....

...is when my fella will hopefully move in!  We've pretty much decided we want to spend our lives together too.  I'm so excited and am so in love again.  I really wondered if I'd ever get to feel like this again.  I feel very lucky.  We were talking about everything again last week, and he said "I guess I'm going to have to propose soon, huh?" with a smile. 

Aaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!  I'm pretty stoked :)

We had a hard time for a long time, and I really think we needed it.  We saw all sides of each other and learned a lot about what we want.  We came out on the other side stronger and more appreciative.  We communicate more efficiently and compromise better.

He loves me for me, as I do him.  I love how I can be completely myself around him.  He's not going to be scared away.  And as silly as we act together, this really feels like a grown up, adult relationship.  About time, seeing as I'm 30 and he's 36, haha!

I'm actually pretty happy with my life right now!  :D

It's Back On!

So, big news.  Y'all are gonna think I'm crazy, but I'm really happy about it... the ex-boyfriend and I are back together!  We've been hanging out every weekend since we split up and actually getting to know each other better than when we lived together.  We've talked so much more and have been more affectionate.

He actually was the one to start the conversation this weekend.  We talked for about two hours about absolutely everything between us, every issue we've had since the beginning of the relationship.  We talked about what we both want out of the future and how we can accomplish it all together.

He said how all this time being not officially together has made him realize how much he really appreciates me.  He acknowledged and took total blame for being unaffectionate before and likes how we are now.  He's turning into the man I've been wanting.

We both said that we love each other and don't want to be without each other. We click so well and just get each other so much better.  We know each others personalities, and he can read me like no one else now.  And that feeling of absolute love that I'd only felt with the ex-husband and had been so hoping for again... it's there now.  Ever since we talked, I feel so much closer to him and I have no doubts about being with him.

He just might turn out to be the one after all.  

Vacation Part 3

I had a wonderful day with the boyfriend yesterday.  It was probably the best we've had since not long after we moved in together.  We woke up and made breakfast...

French toast, well done... can't take the soggy stuff!

...and had a nice leisurely morning.  Around lunchtime we went to grab a bite to eat and a couple of beers.  Afterward we took advantage of the beautiful day, walked around downtown and by the waterfront.

Art installation by the water

Beautiful older home downtown

We then did a little shopping and went home to sit outside and play with the dogs.  We drank a few beers and talked as I kicked his ass at some Tiger Woods on the PlayStation.  We took the dogs for an evening stroll, came home, cooked dinner and actually ate at the table instead of in front of the TV... it was nice.  Finished the evening with some Game of Thrones then fell asleep to Star Wars.

Nothing fancy, but it was a wonderful last day of vacation.

Good Things

Lately my blog has just become a place to vent.  All I do really is list the problems I have.  There really are a lot of positive things too, especially with him.  He works hard and is a good guy.  He keeps me laughing and keeps me on my toes.  He's the biggest nerd, and I love it.  He's very tech savvy and also a fantastic handyman.  I think he can fix just about anything.  Never really wanting furry pets, he's made a huge effort with mine and his patience with them is growing.  Things between us now are very good.  We're still learning about each other and we're meshing well.

Work is good, and my boss is working on getting me a raise.  My pets are healthy, although spastic still.  I hang out with friends on a regular basis and am working on connecting with some ones I haven't seen in awhile.  I'm going to be an auntie again in a few months and I get to see my best friend, the mom-to-be, soon.  I think it's going to be a boy, but I dreamed last night that it's a girl.  I guess we'll see next weekend at the "gender reveal party".

Overall, life is really good.  I do tend to get down about a lot, but it's good to stop and realize just how much I do have going for me.

Baby Blues

I babysat my niece for a few hours today while her parents went to see a movie.  This was my first time ever babysitting an actual baby, and it went really well.  The dog freaked a little having never really been around a baby, but he settled down.  She loved the dog.  We played and danced, an then she passed out on me.  It was so sweet!  I want one!

A Calm Morning

As much as I miss the physical contact, I now think the boy and I really are better at being just friends.  The conversation flows more easily, and we're more open about things.  We actually fell asleep talking the other night.  The next day was his birthday, and I decked out his house after he went to work that morning.  Then he invited me over for a movie the next night.  It's been good.

Been emailing a little with the ex.  Just polite conversation about the dogs and life, but it's been kinda nice.  I keep going back and forth about whether I want to try to open the lines of communication between us more.  I don't know if he'd even want that, but I feel like I may be emotionally more ready for it than I was before.  Maybe.

Not sure if I've mentioned this before, but I've started knitting.  Awesome roommate taught me how a few weeks ago, and I'm hooked.  Sounds boring, but it's so calming.  I'm starting easy with a scarf.  Some days at work, I can't wait to just go home, turn on some tunes and knit.  I get to be lost in thought or just zone out if I want.

Life is good right now.

Cross it off the list...

What a pretty damn near perfect weekend.  I got to do something I've always wanted to... I stayed in bed practically all day just because I could.  It was heaven.  Woke up late, dozed on and off, watched some movies and even a little football... Oh yeah, it totally didn't hurt that I got to cuddle close and, ahem, do some other things throughout the day with a certain boy "friend".  It was crazy fantastic.

Didn't get out of bed until about 7pm, and that was only to migrate to the living room couch to watch a really freakin scary movie.  (Scary movies aren't so bad anymore. ;) )  After that it was a little more football and back to bed.  Woke up late again this morning and lounged for awhile.  I thoroughly enjoyed myself.

Now I'm back at home, and it feels weird to be sleeping alone.  I really don't care for it much.