Monday, March 24, 2014

I ate some bugs...

I don't handle stress well.  Or I should say, my stomach doesn't.  Butterflies and dragonflies and big ol' chunky beetles flying around and crashing into things in there.  That's a weird visual, huh?  That's what it feels like though, and it's all from work.  The tension just hangs in the air and taints the winds of change that may soon be blowing through.  I don't like it.

The thing is though... it will be really good for me should it all go down as it's looking like it will.  I may be getting a huge promotion in the next few months.  My boss has seriously pissed off the big boss man, and vice versa.  She's looking for a new job, and I've heard through the grapevine that he wants me to take her position.  I've been there forever and know the place inside and out.  When it comes to the day to day operation, I'm the go to person.

But I'm terrified that I would be a horrible manager.  I hate being the one in charge of anything.  I'm just not that Type A person who enjoys that stuff.  I don't handle ticked off clients well at all.  I can't even imagine myself doing the hiring and firing.  I take things personally and can't leave the stresses of the day at the office.  Even just the thought that she may quit and this might happen sometime in the near future is haunting me when I'm trying to sleep.

It's weird, but I think part of it is because I never wanted that huge amount of responsibility at work.  Don't get me wrong, I am not a slacker.  I'm a very hard worker and give my all when I'm there... but I do my job and go home each night not worrying about the future of the business.  And I like it like that.

I've said it before, and it really is the truth... I never wanted a career.  I just wanted to be a stay at home mom and to raise my family.  Maybe that's lack of ambition, but what better thing to do with your life than have children?  It's all I've ever really wanted.  I never planned for something like this.  I've been perfectly happy just being assistant manager until my dream could happen and never really wanted more professionally.

This scares the shit out of me.  I'm scared I'll do a bad job and get fired, then where the hell will I be?  I don't think it would happen like that.  I like to think I would rise to the occasion and adapt, but in reality, would I?  The manager before the current one didn't do a great job, and when she wanted to come back after she had a couple of kids, she wasn't wanted in any capacity.

I've just gotta chill the eff out.  Who knows if any of this will even happen?  I think about things way too much, but even when I manage not to for awhile, my stomach remembers.  Grrr....

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Welcome, ICLWers!

Hi there!  This is my first time participating in International Comment Leaving Week, so I thought I would introduce myself!  I'm Amethyst, am 31 and live in North Carolina.  I started this blog back in 2010 when my ex-husband and I were trying to conceive our first.  Well, that never happened.  I was diagnosed with endometriosis about nine months in, and he ended our marriage six months after that.  I didn't see it coming and was devastated for a long time.

Since then I've been working on getting my life back on track.  I've been at my current job for around twelve years, minus about a year and a half when the ex and I had moved away.  I bought a house this past summer, and right now it's just me, my catahoula pup and spaz cat in it.  I've been dating a wonderful man going on two years now, and we're about to get engaged.  Hopefully we'll be getting married later this year and will start TTC (what I call my two pink lines trek) soon after.  All I've wanted my entire life is to have children.  We'll see.

I was diagnosed with endo at the age of 27 when it was found in my pachingo (vagina).  My gyno found a cyst behind my cervix during a yearly exam which she cut out (ouch!) and sent off.  The biopsy came back positive as endo, and I'm pretty sure I've had it since I was around twelve or so.  I've never had laparoscopic surgery due to lack of insurance and finances and I wonder every day about the status of my insides.  The past couple of years most of my pain has been manageable with what I consider my miracle birth control.  A few months ago the daily pain started creeping back in, and it seems my miracle drug isn't working as well as it used to.

Last week I attended the Million Woman March for Endometriosis in Washington, DC.  It was pretty fantastic.  The ten weeks before it I participated in a bloggers uniting thing with new "assignments" each week.  All of those posts are located here, if you're interested.

This blog is oftentimes like a teenage girl's diary... it's where I come to vent and work through thoughts and emotions.  It's my private place that no one "in real life" knows about.  Sometimes just coming here helps so much, even when what gets written doesn't make any sense.

Please take a look around and comment wherever you'd like.  I look forward to getting to know you!

Wednesday, March 19, 2014


All week I've been kinda off.  Not my usual self.  I've been hurting a lot since the EndoMarch and I'm wondering if that's contributing to it.  About halfway through the Call to Action ceremony my left ovary and sciatic nerve started throbbing and didn't stop for... well, tomorrow will be a week, and it's still on and off.  I'm guessing it was from all the extra walking and spending four to five hours in frigid weather.  They've both been hurting a little every day for the past few months, but it's just ridiculous now!  And terribly aggravating.  The trip back from DC was torturous.

I went back to work Monday and found several changes had taken place last week.  Shit always seems to go down whenever I go on vacation, and I just don't get why.  It's always fun to try to guess what I'll be walking back into.  This time it could lead to some really serious changes which could affect my future there.  I think that's adding to the stress.

This past weekend the boyfriend and I got into a... I don't even know what to call it.  It wasn't a fight, wasn't really a misunderstanding.  He called me out on a sore subject, and the way he did it really hurt my feelings.  It all made me wonder about our future, and I hate that.  I hate that I can't let myself fully let go in a relationship now and have that feeling that no matter what is said or done, that we'll get through it.  Maybe that's always going to be how it is for me now.  Maybe doing so back then was just me being naive.  Either way, I miss that feeling.  He and I are fine now, but I'm always off for a bit after incidents like that.

All of these plus some other small things from my trip last week, I think, are contributing to my unease lately.  I've got that nervous, queasy feeling all the time and I don't know how to shake it.  I've always had a nervous stomach and I hate when stress and apprehension manifest themselves in that way.  I could use another vacation just to chill the eff out.

Monday, March 17, 2014

Day One in Washington

This is the tale of the inevitable embarrassment of a Southern girl all alone in the big city.

We start with parking.  The drive there was effortless, but once I actually got within a couple of blocks of my hotel, it got bad.  It was later afternoon, and there was a lot of traffic.  My hotel had a little area of free parking for guests to unload and check in that I had been planning on taking advantage of, seeing as the parking garage for the hotel was four blocks away.  I ended up circling the damn block at least four times, each time taking at least five minutes as I battled horrendous traffic and pedestrians.  The freakin thing was fully parked or double parked every time!  Couldn't find any decent street parking either, and the last lap around I started cursing and pulled into the parking garage right next to the hotel.  Which had a valet.  Which I'd never had the pleasure of experiencing before... I'm usually a self-serve parker and proud of it.  He asked how long I would be there and asked, "You know this isn't the garage for your hotel, right?"  Yes, yes I'm aware of that, but I don't care anymore.

So I hiked up to the street with my heavy ass suitcase and encountered some guy in a suit who was pacing back and forth in front of the entrance to the garage.  Seeing my suitcase he asked if I was staying at the hotel next door.  Yes, yes I am.  "You know this isn't the garage for your hotel, don't you?"  Yes, yes I do.  "Go get your car and I'll watch it for you" as he pointed to a spot on the road.  I looked at him kind of dumbfounded.  "Leave your suitcase here and tell him you want your car back," he pretty much ordered me.  I said with obvious skepticism in my voice, "So you're gonna watch my suitcase and my car while I check in?" not sure whether to trust him or not.  "Yes, yes!  Go get your car!"  We literally said the same things to each other and talked in that whole circle again before I eventually and reluctantly left my suitcase with him and attempted to do as he instructed.  I could see him the whole time, so I felt a tiny bit safer about it, but not much.

"No, it's been three minutes, you'll have to pay," the valet guy said, then continued, "You want me to get it?"  No, that's quite alright.  Back up the hill I went to the other guy who said, "I told you!  I was just trying to save you some money!  That's a few gallons of gas!"  Yeah, I know buddy.  Thanks for watching my bag.  So, I went to check into the hotel, and seeing from my reservation that I needed to pay for their garage, the guy inquired as to where I was parked.  I sighed and told him, to which he responded, "You know that parking garage isn't ours, right?"  Yes, yes I do.  I finally got my room key and carried my bag up to the eighth floor, tossed it on the bed and headed back down to move my car to the actual hotel parking garage.

Finally got that ordeal over with and walked around downtown DC for a while.  I noticed I looked a little out of place.  It was 60 degrees when I left NC, so I was in my flip flops and jeans with an informal top and jacket.  I thought it felt about the same there, but everyone else was all bundled up.  They were also in very professional attire with fancy suits and boots.  I got some weird looks.

When I was over the city, I mapped out the restaurant I wanted to try and headed towards it.  I was determined to get sushi!  Until I didn't.  They were closed.  I was hungry and didn't feel like waiting.  So I walked back to the hotel which had three restaurants and had my first experience dining alone.  It was strange.  I was surrounded by what looked like more professionals who had just gotten out of work and were gathered for happy hour.  Eh, whatever.

I ate kind of quickly and noticed my waiter outside on a smoke break.  No biggie.  When I actually finished, he appeared out of nowhere from behind me and took my plate.  I assumed he'd be right back with the check, but no.  He chatted it up with another waitress for a good few minutes, looking over at me several times.  I thought I'd caught his eye a few times, but he made no acknowledgement of it.  I stared him down, and he finally came over.  "You want another drink?"  No, no thanks.  I was finally able to pay and headed into the hotel.

I walked into the lobby and down the hall to the elevator, passing a school group of high school boys along the way.  As I passed the last two, I noticed one of them following me with his eyes.  I was all, yeah I still got it, walking a little taller and feeling a little bit better about myself.  Then his friend said, "Dude, she's like 40."


And so I sulked back to my room and actually got a chance to look at it.  I pulled back the curtains to a magnificent view...

Yeah....  Not quite what I was expecting.  The hotel is 100 years old and had some other interesting quirks.  This was the vent for the air...

Had never seen that before.  The heat source in the bedroom was an old radiator.  In the bathroom it was just a massive pipe that ran floor to ceiling and actually put out an impressive amount of heat.  

I opened the bottle of wine I brought and finished out my night with a couple of very satisfying glasses.  In a plastic hotel cup.  Classy.  Possibly under the influence of the wine, I did something I never do and took a mirror selfie...

This is still a mostly anonymous blog,
so please don't mind the blackout, haha ;)

I sent it to the boyfriend saying Cheers!

And so ended one of the most awkward days ever.

Saturday, March 15, 2014

Bloggers Unite for EndoMarch: Week 10 - Reflection

It was incredible.  Simply incredible.

The day began with the Educational Symposium at Mellon Auditorium.  It was absolutely beautiful and very elegant.  I loved hearing all the doctors speak and the panel discussion afterward.  One doctor estimated there could be a blood test (or possibly a similar non-invasive test) to detect endometriosis within two to five years!  We heard about how different organizations are doing research for the disease, and it was amazing to actually see the people who are trying to find us a cure!

Dr. Camran Nezhat, celebrity of the day
and one of the main sponsors and founders.

Some of the doctors who spoke.

After the symposium, I headed to the site of the Call to Action ceremony on the National Mall...

It was impressive.

All four Doctors Nezhat spoke, as did other doctors and a few celebrities.  The patient testimonials were very emotional for me.  I cannot believe what some endosisters have been through and how strong they are.  One woman spoke of how she'd had 18 surgeries!  Just... wow.  If I'm not mistaken (which it's possible I am... the cold messed with my brain that day!) she was also the one to have endo on her lungs!  Unbelievable.

Doctors Ceana, Farr and Azadeh Nezhat,
sponsors and founders of the event.

After a performance by Sheryl Crow... was time to march!  And march we did.  Down the mall, across and down the streets and back to Mellon Auditorium.  How incredible it was to be surrounded by so many endosisters and their supporters!

We marched to raise awareness.  We marched to "empower, educate and effect."

Because it's

Because we are powerful women and together we have endless amounts of

With this march we let the world know that we will no longer accept the pain from endometriosis.  We will not tolerate having our disease disregarded and our pain dismissed.  We will no longer keep quiet and will be our own advocates for health.

We will never let go of our

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Bloggers Unite for EndoMarch: Week 9 - Last minute blog before the trip!

I absolutely cannot contain my excitement for the EndoMarch!  I've been thinking about it and planning for it for months, and I can't believe I'm leaving for DC tomorrow!  I want to attend the educational symposium the morning before the march and hope to learn a lot from the different doctors who will be speaking.  I hope to meet up with other women from Team NC to potentially march together!  I haven't heard, but I can't help but wonder the total number of people who will be gathered to march both in DC and across the world.  It should be a wonderful sight regardless.

I'm taking my nice camera to attempt to document the day.  I could have signed up to be a volunteer photographer for the event, but I'm nervous to see if any of my photos will turn out (aka... if I'm any good).  I really want to capture the feelings on different women's faces and am hoping to do so without coming off as a creeper.

I am so freakin stoked for everything.  I've been doing odds and ends today to get ready.  I cleaned my car and drug everything out to start packing.  I've got my Fight Like a Girl shirt, yellow socks and the Chucks with yellow shoelaces.  I attempted to decorate a yellow hat, but it turned out horribly, so had to scrap that.  I may make a quick stop tomorrow to try to find a yellow scarf or head wrap or something... it's gonna be cold Thursday!  The forecast is high in the 30s... geez.
I painted my nails...

I had some actual endo awareness decals from last year, but apparently they don't age well.  I had to hand paint the ribbon... a little rough, but works just as well :)

I'm being a dork and mapping out where everything is.  Luckily it's all in walking distance of each other, as my hotel is only two blocks from the National Mall.  Parking is four blocks from that and sushi is about three or four blocks from that.  (Yes, sushi is important.  I love trying sushi restaurants wherever I go.)  I'm not sure if I'll have time to do much sightseeing.  It would have to be at night, and as much as I've read that it's a safe area to walk around, everyone I know has got me freakin paranoid from all their warnings.

Anyways, EndoMarch or bust! 

♪ Breakdown... go ahead and give it to me! ♫

A little Tom Petty to start your morning.

I have been on vacation from work going on 72 hours now.  It's been busy so far, but now I'm... aaaaahhhh.  That was a relaxing one, not a screaming one.  I'm sipping coffee now catching up on some internet stuff.  This is the first time I've slowed down since being released at noon on Saturday.

Got out of work and had a nice couple come over to look at my old wedding dress I've been trying to sell for years.  She tried it on and said she'd get back to me.  I headed to visit my parents like I do every Saturday afternoon.  Ended up using a chainsaw for the first time to chop down and up a small tree that had fallen in their yard.  I was all "I am kayak, hear me roar" again, but my step-dad pointed out that I'm working for that canoe.  Yes, yes I am.   And I'm okay with that.  :)

After leaving their house, I headed to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription of birth control, my miracle pain management drug, with my spiffy new insurance.  It went from $75 for a three-month supply to absolutely nothing.  Zilch, zero, nada.  The lady checking me out said, "Well, that's a big difference" as she just handed me the bag.  I was all.... huh??  This is the first time I've had insurance in a very long time, and I really didn't know if there would be a copay or what, so I was floored when she told me it didn't cost me anything.  So awesome!  And very helpful.  I'm very thankful.

Saturday evening I headed to the boyfriend's house and we had a nice dinner.  Sunday we went on the hunt for yellow shoelaces for my Chucks for the EndoMarch, but could not find any anywhere.  We must have looked in five different shoe stores.  They had neon yellow, but not regular old yellow.  Ended up buying ten feet of parachute (not sure if that was the brand or what it was) cord and cutting it down to size.  Whatever works.

Went back to his place and played with the dogs in the back yard for a long time.  It was a beautiful sunny day, and we saw a gorgeous bald eagle floating and soaring in the wind above us.  I haven't seen one since I was very young and lived more inland.  I've never seen one here before.  It was amazing.

Yesterday, well, I guess I slowed down in the morning.  I was a bum.  Then I met my parents for an early dinner at a local seafood restaurant they've been wanting to try.  It was yummy.  Then I attempted to buy jeans.  Yeah, that never works.  Nothing ever fits right.  So I took myself to Michael's and bought a yellow hat and iron on decals for the EndoMarch.  We'll see how that goes today.

Last night I babysat my two nieces for a bit while her mother went to teach a yoga class.  It tried my patience a little, but I'm proud to say I came out with a win.  Not bad for my first time babysitting two youngins!  When my sis returned home, we did our weekly dinner and watched the newest Grey's Anatomy.  That's our show, yo. 

Tonight I'm attending my first FB virtual party.  It's for Jamberry Nails.  I love nail stuff, so should be interesting.  Maybe I'll win a little something.

This recap has been interesting stuff, I know.  Hehe.  Anyways, I'm off to officially start my day of prep for traveling to DC tomorrow and for the EndoMarch Thursday... but that's another post.  :)

Friday, March 7, 2014

Lingering Dreams

I had a strange dream last night, and it's memory has lingered throughout the day.  I don't remember how it started or where I was exactly, but I got a phone call... on a land line on a phone with one of those old school curly cords.  It was my aunt.  The one I haven't really spoken to in over ten years.  She was saying something about her and my uncle coming to visit and that they were already at the door with two little ones.  I looked at the front door which had a window over the top of it.  I saw my for some reason outrageously tall uncle's head out the window.  I opened the door and there they were, each with an infant twin in their arms.  I was feeling confusion and panic as they came in.  We walked into a living room and one of them handed me one of the babies.  The child immediately started crying inconsolably, and I said something about it not being able to see it's sibling.  I turned so he/she could see the other one, and it immediately quieted down.  Then I woke up.

So strange.  It almost felt like they were bringing me the kids to keep.  That was why the confusion and panic.  I had no clue who the children were or where they came from yet, but immediately deep down I was totally okay with it.  I wanted them. 

The dream was so brief, but the feelings it brought up were deep, and it's been replaying in my mind all day.  I probably had it because I was thinking of my aunt and cousin yesterday.  My family doesn't really talk.  There was a falling out when my grandmother passed about eleven years ago.  I had nothing to do with any of the events that transpired, but my mom and aunt didn't talk for many years.  They've started again recently, which is nice.

Anyways, this is the aunt that I believe has endo.  I don't know if she was ever officially diagnosed with anything, but she had horrible periods and eventually had a hysterectomy.  This I knew while growing up and is why I never went to a doctor, thinking it just ran in the family.  I found out about four years ago that her daughter, my cousin, was never able to conceive and actually adopted a little girl two years before that!  I never heard if she was diagnosed with anything either.

Such a strange feeling to be carrying this dream around all day.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Rants and Raves

Today is the boyfriend's birthday.  Last week I found him the perfect present on eBay and promptly committed to buying and paid as soon as I saw it.  It was marked as shipped Saturday and was expected to be delivered by yesterday.  No package yesterday.  I got home for my lunch break today and got all excited when I saw the mail carrier pull up.  No package for me.  So I went online to check things out and saw a tracking number had been added recently.  I clicked on the number to find that it had just been shipped yesterday.  What?!?  Grrrr....

So I calmly and politely sent a message to the sender asking for clarification.  A couple of hours later, I got this...

Notice the "y" in "apologyze".  And then a few minutes later...

First off, grammar please.  Secondly, sure buddy, I'll be sure to let you know.  Hope it's not an inconvenience if I forget.

Just aggravating.  I understand that things come up, but don't mark something as shipped and then actually ship it four days later.  So I got the boyfriend this as a stand in...

Yum!  I may or may not have gotten one for myself also...

He was perfectly fine with that.

That was my rant.  Now for my rave... the boyfriend said he just may move in with me sooner than this summer!  Maybe even pretty damn soon.  He's been renting this overpriced, junky little house but hasn't wanted to break his lease because the rental company really helped him get it in a jam.  But the heating/AC unit is pretty much dead and has been causing him to have $500 utility bills this winter, which he just can't afford.  They sent people out to fix it numerous times, but it just kept breaking.  They finally decided a couple of weeks ago that the unit is kaput and needs to be replaced, but they haven't said when.  The owner of the house has mentioned wanting to sell it and may do so "as is" and not replace it.  So the bf really has no idea, but he can't afford that high bill each month.

I've been trying to get him to move in since the roommate moved out, but this is the first he's actually really considered it.  He likes to think on things for a while, so it may be a bit longer.  But it's something!

I've enjoyed my couple of months of living alone, but I'm cool with that coming to an end.  We only really get to hang out a couple of days a week, and I get so tired of saying goodbye to him on "school nights."  I think I'm starting to wear him down.  :)

Monday, March 3, 2014

Bloggers Unite for EndoMarch: Week 8 - Reactions

This week we answer:  Did you tell your friends, family, co-workers that you are going to the march?  What were their reactions? 

Pretty much everyone important in my life knows I have endometriosis.  My parents, my "surrogate family" of four sisters and their parents, my closest friends and even most of my co-workers.   Any of my "friends" on FB who follow my posts know too because I post stuff about it occasionally through the year and a lot during March.

I told everyone I would be attending the EndoMarch when I first learned about it back in December, I think.  Every single response I got was amazingly positive.  Not that I thought any wouldn't be, but you just never know how people are going to react when you tell them you're marching on Washington, DC, haha!  All of my friends said it's awesome and a few even said they were proud of me.

My parents were supportive, but they were and still are very worried that I'll be traveling into the big, bad city all alone.  "You're not taking anyone with you?!"  Thirty-one years old and I'm still their little baby.  Always will be no matter what age, and they will always worry no matter what I'm doing or where I'm going.  I love them for it dearly, but... *sigh*

The most recent person I told about the march was a client at work.  I've known her for many years, and she is super sweet.  We were talking about a work event that I said I would be missing because I would be on vacation.  She asked where I would be going, and I told her I would be attending the Million Woman March for Endometriosis.  She is retired now, but I believe she used to be a nurse.  She acted like she knew what endo was, and I told her a little info about the march.

She then asked me how I got involved with it.  I told her that I have endometriosis and found myself blushing a little bit.  It was the first time I'd told someone that wasn't a friend or family member, and I guess I was really nervous.  I didn't need to be though, as she was totally awesome about it.  She said she thought it was absolutely wonderful that I was going and then gave me advice about walking around DC by myself, hehe.  Very sweet lady.

As much as I think about endo and do talk about it with friends and family, and also endo awareness and how I'm fine putting stuff all over FB, I was a little surprised at myself when it came time to tell someone else about it.  Maybe because of the social anxiety and the fear of being judged.  Maybe because it was a client at work.  Maybe because to a certain extent there is still the stigma of talking about your period.  Maybe because as much as we talk about it, it can be a very hard journey and one that at times is not always so easy to share.