Saturday, November 24, 2012

Blessingway, Part 2

The sequel to Blessingway... Had the ceremony for my best friend last night.  It was much smaller with just her mother, sisters and me.  It was just as lovely, but my tears weren't as innocent this time.  When it was her mother's turn to "bless" I teared up.  No sobbing or anything, but it was pretty obvious in our small group of six.  She was going on and on about the miracle of an extension to their family growing inside of her daughter's belly and what a miraculous transformation it would bring.  That's where I got totally jealous.
I hope that maybe one day I will get my family.  I keep remembering how I tried once and lost who I thought was my Prince Charming.  I'm reminded how I tried to get pregnant, was unsuccessful, was diagnosed with endo and just don't know what the hell's going on in there.  Although I'm so, so happy for her, I'm jealous of her getting started on her happily ever after.  I want to get started on mine again.

Didn't help that the boyfriend was totally unsympathetic when I talked to him this morning.  "You shouldn't be jealous, you'll get all that too."  "Oh, you didn't really try that long."  "Endo isn't a disease."  That last one was from a couple of weeks ago, but still pissed me off.  Oh, and fun fact... I learned recently that women with endo have E. coli in their menstrual blood.  Isn't that lovely?

And on that note, I'm off to make bird's nest cookies and a cheese ball that looks like an owl for the baby shower today.  Wish me luck on several levels please...

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Funky Friday

When it comes to the endometriosis, I try to keep an open mind.  It sucks that I have it, and it has caused me a great deal of pain through the years, but I've got that part mostly under control at the moment.  And to be fair, I can't really blame it for not getting pregnant when I was trying to... there were a lot of other factors such as bad timing and lack of cooperation.  In fact, I lost count of how many people said "At least there were no children" when they learned I was getting divorced.  Those words hurt back then, but I guess it just wasn't meant to be at the time.  I don't really know if I'll have trouble the next time I try.  That part I'm kind of okay with.  I don't like the unknown aspects of it, but there's not much I can do about it right now.

I think that's the part that pisses me off.  In three short months I'll be thirty, and I thought my life would be very different by now.  Once again, some days I am okay with it.  But other days, like yesterday, I was nothing but "Poor, pitiful me" and "It's just not fair!"  All I saw were the most adorable happy couples with their little baby bumps, fathers with their kids who they were obviously crazy about and completely unready teenagers.  And no, this wasn't at the lady doctor's office... they all strolled in and out of my workplace all freakin day.  It was an emotional roller coaster of a day.  By the end of it I was exhausted and didn't want to do anything other than go home, have a glass or two of wine and crash.  Didn't even make it to the gym, even though Friday's the day I look forward to going the most.

Why is it the thing you've wanted your entire life is the hardest thing to accomplish?  I never wanted a career.  I never cared about being an important person who makes a major discovery or something of the sort.  All I ever wanted since I was a teenager was to fall in real, lasting love and have a family.  Nothing too complicated or seemingly out of the question, right?

Now I'm wondering if maybe it's not going to happen.  I'm wondering if I'm even really relationship material Things went wrong in my marriage, and now I'm not sure about things with the current guy.  Have I just not found the right one, or is it really me destroying everything?  Then again, the right one will be dubbed so for a reason... he'll love me for all I am and won't leave when times get tough.  Isn't that the way it's supposed to work?

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Slow and Steady vs. Here and Now

One of my best friends is very methodical and thinks long term.  She and her husband have been scrimping and saving for years.  They've lived extremely frugally and are crazy couponers.  In doing this they have just bought their first house with a large down payment and still have a large cushion... which they're scared to spend, but that's beside the point.

They have a plan.  They know what they want to accomplish through the years and how they want to live, and they're happy to lay the groundwork now and be fruitful in the long run.  And that works for them.

My boss-lady (who I'm pretty good friends with) is of the other mindset... we're not promised tomorrow, so do what you've always wanted to and what makes you happy now.  She's doing things for herself that she never used to... She just got her first tattoo and is planning another.  She now gets bi-weekly mani/pedis, takes local day trips and does other things that make her feel good about herself.

Her financial situation doesn't really let her save for the future, so she says "screw it" and when she gets a little something extra she uses it for fun.  And that works for her.

My friend's and my boss' situations are different, so of course they're looking at it from different angles.  My friend is in her thirties and has only been married for a few years.  She's gotten a good start and wants to be practical with everything.  My boss is 50, been married for 30 years with no kids and has "been there, done that."  She also has a big family history of heart problems, feels lucky to have made it this long and wants to enjoy life to the fullest in case it doesn't last much longer.

I  understand where each is coming from and I feel I fall somewhere in the middle.  I want to embrace the now and live in the moment, but I also need to think of the future.  I want to have fun while I'm young, but I also want to start settling down and attempting to have children.  The latter of each involves some long term planning and saving, but I do allow a little splurge here and there for the former.  And I guess that will work for me.

Monday, November 5, 2012

That Time Again

What time, you ask?  It's time to bitch an complain about pregnant people being everywhere again!!  Yay!  *sigh*  They're all over the freakin place.  And they're all posting adorable preggo belly photos for the holidays.

My best friend is pregnant and due right after the first of the year.  Now I love her to death and would do anything for her, and apparently that means being involved in planning the baby shower her family is putting together.  I would have no problem with this (other than the obvious one) if someone would have informed me that I was to be helping.  I still don't know who volunteered me.  An extra couple of months notice would have been nice too.  Now it's less than three weeks away, and as far as I know, nothing's really been done other than talking about it.  At all.  Invitations should have been sent a couple of weeks ago.  Ugh!

In all seriousness though, I'm happy to be planning my bestie's first baby shower and had been planning on participating anyway.  It's just hard.  Emotionally painful.  I left her sister's kid's first birthday party almost in tears at the sight of all the happy young mothers.  I'm terrified I'm gonna burst out at this next most joyous event too.  It's embarrassing.