Sunday, March 25, 2012

Happiness is...

I took my last happy pill yesterday morning.  Been on them a year now and decided not to try to get the prescription renewed... refilled... whatever.  I want to see if I can maintain this current control of emotions without them.  Apparently they have a long half-life and it can take awhile before they're fully out of the system.  I hope I don't go all bat-shit emotional again.  I can do this!

Apparently they are also known to kill your sex drive, and come to think of it, mine has been pretty low for the past year so maybe it'll come back.  Not that there's anyone to have sex with, but that's another whatever...  The one person I would want to no longer wants to with me, and the only two people who have made it known that they do with me are married, and that's just not gonna happen.  Why am I only attracting hot married guys lately?  That's just cruel.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Baby Blues

I babysat my niece for a few hours today while her parents went to see a movie.  This was my first time ever babysitting an actual baby, and it went really well.  The dog freaked a little having never really been around a baby, but he settled down.  She loved the dog.  We played and danced, an then she passed out on me.  It was so sweet!  I want one!

Friday, March 16, 2012

Frowny Face

I really want a cigarette right now.  I feel like I'm losing it.  I'm feeling angry and sad and let down and all that junk.  I don't have a person anymore.  I've made more friends than I think I've ever had, but they're all coupled off and I'm the spare wheel again.  Even the single ones have their own other single persons, and I just can't get in there.  I'm so flustered and I don't know who to talk to.  Everyone's out doing their own thing and isn't calling back.  I just don't know where to go from here.

Most of the time I'm pretty copacetic with my life.   I realize everything happens for a reason, and I try to enjoy the ride and not focus too much on the destination.  But I'm not really that kind of person.  I want a family and I'm tired of waiting.  I really just want to be happy again.  I guess tonight it just hit me once more.  Sometimes it feels like it's never going to happen.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

March Madness

Spent the afternoon and had dinner with my folks today.  Mom got me thinking.  She asked how the ex was doing and if I'd talked to him lately.  Last week he told me his depression was getting worse, and I told her that.  She then said, "Sounds like you just need each other."

I actually dreamed last night that we got back together.  It was weird at first, and I remember thinking how we'd never be able to get back to how we used to be when things were good.  Then some time passed, and everything was great.  No awkwardness, just love and acceptance.

This month marks a year since we split up.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Up the Vitamins

I've been getting sick a lot lately.  I had several colds late last year.  I had the flu in January, several days of vertigo in February and now I've got what feels like the freakin flu again.  I just went back and looked at the timing of these past three, and they all arrived a few days before AF was due.  Could it be a hormonal or endo related thing?  I did some research and read about quite a few women who get cold/flu symptoms a few days before or during their AFs every month.  Apparently their doctors gave up because they couldn't figure out why.  I read somewhere that the immune system drops significantly between PMS and the end of AF.  Huh.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Looking Back

The ex and I have still been messaging, and it's been nice to be talking to him again.  He's moving in a few months and is in the process of finding a new job.  He has a working interview at a really nice restaurant soon, and yesterday he asked me if I remembered his first one in Birmingham.  I certainly do.  I remember a lot from back then.

I used to get so excited for and proud of him.  I got to watch his excitement when he was accepted to culinary school and then to his first cooking job.  We searched for that perfect hat for his first day and celebrated each time he got a promotion.  He came up with the most amazing recipes.  I'm really sad I won't get to be with him to witness and experience his career as it takes off.

Sometimes even now when I picture the future I can't see it with anyone other than him.  It still doesn't seem real.