Wednesday, March 25, 2015

A Weird Time

I had my six week follow up appointment with the surgeon today.  A majority of the pain has gotten better, but my back is still very sore and I've been having some sciatic pain down both legs now, where before it was just in one.  He said it's probably from scar tissue.  Also since surgery I've been having pain in my left shoulder and arm that has not gone away.  He said something probably happened to the rotator cuff while they were doing surgery and showed me the weird position I was in.  Now I'm going to see an orthopedist to see what he can do.  It's always something.

After the appointment my mother and I went out to lunch while an aide stayed with my stepdad.  After lunch we did a little shopping and talking, which was nice.  She really needed to get out of the house and vent to someone a little.  My stepdad's pain medication dosage was recently increased, and since he's been on this new level he's out of it even more.  I barely understood a thing he said today.

Living with the now ex-boyfriend has been up and down.  It'll be weird, then it'll be fine.  I had a little meltdown on him this weekend.  It just is what it is right now, if that makes any sense.  He's got a place lined up and will be moving the first weekend in May.  I've made arrangements to visit some friends out of town while he's doing that.  I don't want to be around to see him packing and moving out.

Work has been okay since I've been back.  The new manager and I seem to be working well together and we're each trying hard not to step on each others toes.  The dynamic was a little weird at first as we were learning to work with each other in these new roles, but I think it'll be fine.

That's my little update for now.

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Drunken Wish

I'm tired of being broken.  I just want someone to tell me they love me unconditionally and that I'm perfect the way I am.  Why is that so hard?

Tuesday, March 10, 2015


I go back to work tomorrow.  I'm happy and nervous at the same time.  Happy to be getting back to doing something and feeling useful.  Nervous about how it's all gonna go down.  I think it'll be okay.  I went in Friday for my paycheck, and the new manager was freaking out a little about one aspect she hadn't known about.  I actually showed her a few things to get her through it, and it went well.

I'm also happy to be getting out of the house and having something else to focus on besides the break-up.  The now ex-boyfriend has been off the past couple of days, so we've been home together a lot.  Sometimes it's not so bad, but a majority of the time it's just super awkward.  I can't go up and kiss him anymore, although we do hug sometimes.  The feelings are all still there, but I have to just turn them off.  It's difficult.

He actually went to look at a new place yesterday and put in an application for it.  On one hand I want him to still live here a couple of months so I can save up a little more money since I plan on living by myself for a few months after he leaves.  On the other I think it would be better if he did move sooner so I could start trying to get over him.

I'm terrified about getting a new roommate.  I lucked out with my last one and don't think I'd ever find another one like her.  But I might, possibly.  I really don't want to get one, but I can't afford to live here by myself.  Grrr...

Other stupid stuff I'm worrying about now:
- I have to mow the massive lawn again now with my heavy manual, swirly-whirligig mower.  How's that gonna go with my bum back?
- Am I gonna keep the gas tank for the fireplace?  I can't afford to have that massive thing refilled by myself.  Is a new roommate going to want to split the cost?
- The whole neighborhood's going to know we split up when his car goes away for good.  It really doesn't matter, but it's annoying.
- He's more than likely going to take his dog with him, and both dogs are going to be sad when they're separated.  Mine was actually depressed for awhile last time and didn't want to play or do much of anything.
- I'll have to get my own butter dish.  

Random things like that pop in my head all the time.  The biggest thing I worry about is if I'm ever going to have a child.  How long will it be before I date again?  If/when I find the right man, how long will we date before getting married?  Will I still be able to have children when that happens?  If I could do it on my own I totally would, but I just cannot afford that.  I wish I could so I wouldn't have to worry about a freakin man.

Thursday, March 5, 2015


My heart is breaking again.  The boyfriend and I have broken up.  He'd been acting weird lately, but I thought it was from all the long hours he'd been working or still being weird from my surgery.  But apparently not.  He said he hasn't been happy.  That our relationship doesn't feel right anymore.  He swore up and down that it has nothing to do with me.  He still loves me and thinks I'm great, but he doesn't want what I want.  He doesn't want to have kids.  He's not sure if he really wants to settle down at all.  He hates living in the South.  Since he was doing the whole "It's not you, it's me" routine, I asked him several times if he was being honest with me, and he said he was.  He kept saying I'm the nicest person he's ever known and he hates that he's wasted my time.  I guess I'm choosing to believe him.

He's got nowhere to go right now, so he'll still be living with me for a couple of months.  It was so hard breaking up late last night then trying to go to sleep next to him, although he did move to the couch later.  And forget sleep... it was nearing 3am before I drifted off with a major headache.  I had held my tears back pretty well, but I needed to be alone to do some obligatory sobbing.  That's what I'm doing on and off this morning now that he's gone to work.  I just can't believe this is happening.  We were coming up on our three year anniversary.  I guess that's my magical relationship number now.  
He may or may not be able to take what is technically his dog, although we got him together.  I can't imagine saying goodbye to that dog, I love him so much.  I don't want to say goodbye to either of them.  I'd been questioning our relationship lately too, but I was feeding off of how distant he'd become.  He hadn't really been affectionate at all, and we weren't talking much.  I really thought it was a phase that we would work through like we have before, but apparently this has been coming for awhile.  He didn't want "to be an asshole" and do it when my stepdad got sick, and then I had surgery.  I'm glad he did it a week before I have to go back to work so I'm not a fresh wreck there. 

I can't believe I have to go through this again.  I had found my partner.  I was ready.  I was starting to plan a wedding and now I'm starting all over.  I'm 32 and single again. What the fuck, life?!

I'm never going to have a baby.

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

The Calm After the Mini Storm in My Head

I feel much better about the work situation now.  Maybe because some time has passed.  Maybe because I took a step back and realized what is really important.  The evening after my last post I had a moment of clarity and reexamined things.  I thought about my stepdad, my friend who passed away and what I really want out of life and realized that there are a lot worse things than getting a new boss.  Almost immediately my stomach butterflies and my mind settled.  Yes, I'm still a little bothered by how no one called me, but I guess I'm mostly over it now.  As I've gotten older I've been able to mentally take a step back and get a hold of myself better.  After I've thoroughly freaked out about it though, haha.

I also was texting with my new boss this morning.  She was asking when I was coming back to work and about some scheduling things.  I told her I was fine with whatever but that I'd like to keep my normal day off.  She said she didn't want to change my days, but was just making sure that I was coming back because she needs me.  She said they just threw her in to sink or swim, and I guess she's not getting much guidance in her new role.  I reassured her that she'll swim, and it hit me that I really do want to help her do well in her new position.

I guess I feel a little reassured that I am still valued there, at least by her.  It seems like she's trying and doesn't want there to be any friction between us.  I appreciate that.  I still don't know how the higher ups feel, but they're not the ones I share a desk with every day.