Sunday, November 29, 2015

Holiday Blues

I dreamed I had a baby.  A really huge baby.  A boy.  I was in the hospital, it happened in less than an hour, and I hadn't told anyone that I wanted to try it naturally.  So I was really doped up, confused and didn't feel a thing.  I looked over, and they had placed my enormous baby naked on another full sized bed and walked away.  I picked him up and started nursing him.  It was amazing and terrifying at the same time.

Lately I've been wondering if I truly still want to have a child.  Wondering if I want to deal with the screaming and mememe attitude they have.  I've only really been around moody toddlers lately and I think it's skewed my vision and made me forget about the good and sweet parts of children.  Honestly I still think that second guessing is me trying to mentally prepare myself to be okay if it never happens.  Deep down I know I want children and I'm just so very scared it won't happen.  And yesterday I was having sharp and shooting ovary pains that brought that fear back to the foreground, which really didn't help.  I cried every time that pain came back all night long.

I've been down since Thanksgiving.  The day itself was a mix of happy and sad.  I spent good time with family and friends, but I kept remembering last Thanksgiving.  My house was full of people I thought were going to be my in-laws.  The ex and I cooked for his family, and I loved every minute of it.  Last year I thought I would be marrying that man and starting a family with him.  I didn't even know he had cheated on me the month before.

I love being in a happy relationship during the holidays.  It's an incredible feeling, and I miss it terribly.  My house is now empty other than a roommate who may or may not be moving in a few weeks.

I think I may take a step back from trying to date.  I put myself out there again last weekend and asked my sexting buddy of a couple of months now if he would like to meet in person to see if we hit it off in the real world.  I guess he wasn't interested because he completely ignored that question and has tried to keep our other conversation going business as usual ever since.  What is up with these guys?  I get if you don't actually want to meet, but at least say so.  Don't just stop all communication or ignore what I just said to you.  Be a fucking grown ass person.  So I'm 0-2 these past couple of weeks.  I've never asked guys out before, and it just sucks now that I am that I'm getting totally shot down.

I'm actually 0-3 if you count Dakota Guy from a few months ago.  Laid my heart all out there, but thankfully he was nice enough to let me down gently.  These past few weeks he has been incredibly flirty and very clingy.  He texts every morning and we talk throughout the day.  I like it just fine, but I feel myself getting attached to him again and wondering if he could one day be a possibility.  I guess it's okay for now though.  Maybe he can satisfy my need for male attention, even if it is just through texts, until there's a real live human man voluntarily standing next to me in person.  That sounds fucking pathetic.

Sunday, November 22, 2015


I can't believe it's been a freakin month since I've written!  I'm not sure I've ever gone that long before.  Not sure why, just haven't felt like writing until now.

This past week I stuck my toe in the dating waters to see how it would go.  A few months ago I perused a certain dating website to see who was out there, and there was one guy who stuck out.  I wasn't really ready for anything yet, so I didn't sign up.  But last weekend after a couple of glasses of wine I decided to look again, and he was still there!  So I made a profile and messaged him, and he actually messaged back!  He was cute, seemed like a super nice guy, and wanted the same things I did out of life.

We decided to meet up for a drink one evening.  Day was set, time was set... then he fell asleep after I asked where he'd like to meet.  No big deal, he said he might.  So the next morning, the day we were to meet, I sent a good morning message.  I checked back a few minutes later to see that he was online.  Yay!  No reply.  Grrr, but okay.  Hours passed.  About 2-3:00pm I asked if we were still on for our date.  No reply.  Punk.  I get if he changed his mind or something, but be a freakin grown up and just say so.  Geez.  So that was a great first experience attempting to date again.

One good thing did come out of it though... a good conversation with my roommate.  We're not very similar, have opposite schedules, and don't really see each other very much.  I don't think we've had more than a five minute conversation at all before now.  But we just happened to be home and awake at the same time and ended up commiserating about sucky guys.  It was nice to get to vent about some stuff and be understood.

I had my first back injection a few weeks ago, and it... fucking... hurt.  A lot.  Like, a lot a lot.  And they make you hurt more for about a week after you get them.  I'd rather sit through tattoos then do that again.  But, alas, I shall be receiving another 1-2 injections in the coming months, the first being in about two weeks.  Awesome.

But to reward myself I shall sit through more pain and get tattooed again.  I think I've finally found what I want to be my next one, but I'm still thinking and tweaking it.  I've been wanting to venture off my back for awhile, and this one would be on my shoulder and arm, or just arm... haven't decided yet.  I'm excited though.

I'm also excited that I've gone back to the gym!  Anything other than the treadmill makes the nerve hurt, so I'm starting out super slow right now.  My social anxiety has got me too nervous to venture away from the cardio equipment anyway.  I'm hoping the temporary physical restriction will give me time to mentally prepare myself to try the weight machines (in front of everyone!) when I'm able.  We'll see.  I've only been a few times so far, but it feels so good to get back to it.  This is a new gym that just opened, and I love it so far.

And that's been my exciting life for the past month.