I'm frustrated right now, and life has been weird the past few weeks. The major issue has been with my roommate of the past year. I've been staying with the boyfriend over weekends lately, and the last few Mondays I've noticed a few things in my room that just seemed different than how I left them.
One day my ceiling fan was on, which I never leave on when I'm gone. My old phone which I use as an iPod was askew on the dock. Some built-in bookmark tassels were hanging off the shelf when I always have them tucked under the book so the cats don't play with them. Then there was my computer. The monitor was on, and I knew I hadn't left it that way. I powered up the computer to find a message that it hadn't been shut down properly. Hmmm... I did some digging and found some files that had been accessed on a day I wasn't home at all. Did some more digging and found the log stating it had indeed been turned on and off that same day.
Fuuuck.
Now my roommate had never given me real trouble before. He lived with me for a little over a year and the worst he did was be a little loud in the kitchen at night and slam the front door on the way out to work. Every. Single. Morning. But overall, nothing too bad. Lately he's been drinking. Like, a lot. There was an incredible amount of beer and liquor bottles in the recycling bin the past couple of months. So I knew he was having some problems.
I decided to get a security camera that I could view over my phone. Got a pretty decent one for not too expensive that has night vision and alerts me whenever there's motion detected. It's not exactly tiny and is pretty obviously a camera, so I tried to hide it the best I could on a bookshelf surrounded by a bunch of knickknacks. From a distance it kind of blended in, but up close it was noticeable.
I left as usual that weekend and was nervous all night. We went to bed, and around eleven o'clock I was notified of movement. Sure enough, he was in there. He started out just petting one of the cats for a few minutes, but soon after he started snooping. He went through my desk drawer then headed to the walk-in closet. Unfortunately the camera angle couldn't entirely show into the closet, so I'm not exactly sure what he was doing, but he was in there for a long time. I could kind of see him going through some things, and I know he was in my underwear bin because they were all disheveled. (Eww.) He eventually moved on to my bathroom and went through my medicine drawer and looked at all the stuff under the sink.
So the boyfriend and I were watching him as he was going through all my stuff, and I could not stop shaking. I was so disturbed and knew I wouldn't sleep at all knowing he might go back in, so I asked the boyfriend if he would accompany me the hour's drive home and stay the night. Of course he did, and we put a keyed entry lock on my bedroom door the next morning and gave him notice to vacate. He moved out two days later and left a long, handwritten letter apologizing and calling himself every negative adjective imaginable. He left his room pretty dirty and somehow partially moldy, so there's been some detailed cleaning going on.
I still feel kind of violated. He never gave any indication of doing anything physically to me (although in his letter he stated how his co-worker suggested things he should do to me... he could have left that part out, thankyouverymuch), but my safe space was intruded upon and rummaged through. At one point we thought he'd put a camera in my closet, but luckily we didn't find anything. And I really don't know how long he'd been going into my room. I really think it was just the past few weeks, but it's possible it had been longer and he'd just gotten sloppy lately. Ugh, I hope not. I moved my camera into the main room of the house with a view of both the front and back doors. I'm just a little paranoid, but I'm starting to feel more at ease.
So now I have my house to myself again. The boyfriend might move in at the end of the month, and if not, a friend of a friend is interested. But for now I'm enjoying the solitude.
singing of beautiful and impossible things,
of things that are lovely and that never happen,
of things that are not and that should be." -Oscar Wilde
Showing posts with label grrr. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grrr. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 5, 2017
Wednesday, December 28, 2016
Winter Update
It's been over two months... damn! I really don't know why I don't write as much lately. Maybe because when I'm happy I don't feel the need to get things out here? And I have been very happy. Most of it is due to the fella... actually the same one from the last post!
We've been going strong for about three and a half months now, and I'm totally in love. I told him that a couple of weeks ago, and he said he felt the same. He actually said that before he met me he'd been planning to move away at the beginning of the year. He's not happy with his job or his current location and still does want to move somewhere at some point. I don't know why I only seem to find guys who want to move away. But I'm kind of at a point where I might want to also. Maybe. I go back and forth. I did it before, and it didn't work out so well. But I am older now and would hopefully be able to do it right this time. I do want to settle down and have kids, but I would like to start that here because my support system, my family and friends, are here. Maybe if we get that far he would be open to moving in a few years. I may be thinking too far ahead right now... it's only been three months. But that's what I do.
Work has also been a bit more stressful lately. The work itself hasn't changed other than it being busier for the holidays. My manager's life has changed though. She's now back in the single life and trying to party it up with the younger employees during off time. Which is nice for her because she never really had that opportunity when she was younger. But they're all even more buddy-buddy now at work, and I feel like it's social hour all the time. When I ask them to do something, it seems like they resent me for it. But when she does, it's all good because she's their pal now. I need to just get over the high-school drama feel, but it's hard when you spend a majority of your time with these people. And I'm now the oldest person there, so that doesn't help.
I'm going to be 34 in less than two months. And I'm childless. I started trying to get pregnant before any of my four "sisters", and now they're about to have seven children between them. It's still fucking hard to face that. Christmas was difficult. Two of them (one with a big ol' pregnant belly again) with their spouses and three children gathered at their parent's house. All of them paired off and then me, alone because my fella was out of town with his family. Watching them all so happy with the kids running around and opening presents was so much harder than I had anticipated. I don't know why, because it is every single time we all congregate. But I thought maybe because I am now in a relationship with a hopefully promising future I would feel different. Nope. That ache of wanting a child of my own still overpowers everything. The jealousy of my best friends having that. Maybe one day I'll get to experience it, and hopefully that feeling will go away. I just want a modern-day happily ever after... is that too much to ask for?
I said I was happy at the beginning of this, but maybe I'm not as much as I thought. I ended up writing more glumly than I imagined I would. Maybe it's just the stress of the holidays putting a temporary damper on things. I've also been PMS'ing pretty hard this month and have been overly emotional the past week.
But I am incredibly happy with my fella and am so very thankful that we met. Most of my people have now met him and they all like him. I've met his family and some friends. His parents like me, which is always a good thing. He is my bright spot. I hope we continue to move forward as happy together as we are now.
We've been going strong for about three and a half months now, and I'm totally in love. I told him that a couple of weeks ago, and he said he felt the same. He actually said that before he met me he'd been planning to move away at the beginning of the year. He's not happy with his job or his current location and still does want to move somewhere at some point. I don't know why I only seem to find guys who want to move away. But I'm kind of at a point where I might want to also. Maybe. I go back and forth. I did it before, and it didn't work out so well. But I am older now and would hopefully be able to do it right this time. I do want to settle down and have kids, but I would like to start that here because my support system, my family and friends, are here. Maybe if we get that far he would be open to moving in a few years. I may be thinking too far ahead right now... it's only been three months. But that's what I do.
Work has also been a bit more stressful lately. The work itself hasn't changed other than it being busier for the holidays. My manager's life has changed though. She's now back in the single life and trying to party it up with the younger employees during off time. Which is nice for her because she never really had that opportunity when she was younger. But they're all even more buddy-buddy now at work, and I feel like it's social hour all the time. When I ask them to do something, it seems like they resent me for it. But when she does, it's all good because she's their pal now. I need to just get over the high-school drama feel, but it's hard when you spend a majority of your time with these people. And I'm now the oldest person there, so that doesn't help.
I'm going to be 34 in less than two months. And I'm childless. I started trying to get pregnant before any of my four "sisters", and now they're about to have seven children between them. It's still fucking hard to face that. Christmas was difficult. Two of them (one with a big ol' pregnant belly again) with their spouses and three children gathered at their parent's house. All of them paired off and then me, alone because my fella was out of town with his family. Watching them all so happy with the kids running around and opening presents was so much harder than I had anticipated. I don't know why, because it is every single time we all congregate. But I thought maybe because I am now in a relationship with a hopefully promising future I would feel different. Nope. That ache of wanting a child of my own still overpowers everything. The jealousy of my best friends having that. Maybe one day I'll get to experience it, and hopefully that feeling will go away. I just want a modern-day happily ever after... is that too much to ask for?
I said I was happy at the beginning of this, but maybe I'm not as much as I thought. I ended up writing more glumly than I imagined I would. Maybe it's just the stress of the holidays putting a temporary damper on things. I've also been PMS'ing pretty hard this month and have been overly emotional the past week.
But I am incredibly happy with my fella and am so very thankful that we met. Most of my people have now met him and they all like him. I've met his family and some friends. His parents like me, which is always a good thing. He is my bright spot. I hope we continue to move forward as happy together as we are now.
Tuesday, June 14, 2016
The End
He did respond not long after with basically a "Sorry, life's been crazy" message... yeah. So we chatted back and forth for a little while about random things. Neither of us asked to see the other. I wanted to ask if he was still interested, but chickened out that night.
Yesterday went by with no message. Today during my lunch break I grew some balls and sent a very straightforward message asking if he still wanted to go out, and giving him an out by saying I understood if he didn't. Hours passed. No reply until just a few minutes ago.
More of the "Life's been crazy" with an added "I don't know what I want right now." Exactly what I would say if someone I didn't really like called me out on it.
So there's that.
Yesterday went by with no message. Today during my lunch break I grew some balls and sent a very straightforward message asking if he still wanted to go out, and giving him an out by saying I understood if he didn't. Hours passed. No reply until just a few minutes ago.
More of the "Life's been crazy" with an added "I don't know what I want right now." Exactly what I would say if someone I didn't really like called me out on it.
So there's that.
Sunday, June 12, 2016
Mr. Almost Perfect, Part 2
It's possible I'm being ghosted, and it's also possible that he thinks I'm ghosting him. But I think it's the former. Last Saturday afternoon I texted him asking if he wanted to hang out that night or Sunday. He was busy that day, and said maybe Sunday. Sunday came and he was really not feeling well. Which I believed because he was kinda sick when we first met the week before. No worries.
I had suggested an awesome event we were both interested in that was happening Tuesday evening, and he said he'd know better on Monday. Monday came and he said he was still sick and had a doctor appointment Tuesday afternoon, so he'd let me know. Tuesday morning the rain changed the details of the awesome event so it wouldn't be as awesome anymore. I texted him saying that since it had changed and because he was sick, we should call the evening a bust and plan on something later in the week or over the weekend. He said that sounded good, and I told him I hoped the doctor could help him.
And that was it. No communication from either side since then. I haven't reached out because I wanted him to want to pursue me, if he was truly interested. Because that's what you do if you really like someone, right? Since he didn't, I pretty much figured he wasn't into me anymore and I decided not to text him anymore. I went back to my dating apps, but they just feel wrong. And I've had this terrible feeling inside my stomach... is this fucking heartache over this guy? We went out twice! Why the fuck am I feeling like this?!
Because I felt an instant connection with him and haven't had that for many, many years. Because I can still picture the intensity in his eyes on our first date. Because he assured me he was truly a nice guy. And all of that got my hopes up.
So I texted him just now. Basically a "Hey, how are you doing?" message to test the waters. In all honesty though, I'm the one who cancelled our latest plans, and part of me wonders if maybe he's been thinking I've been ghosting him. Who knows. I guess we'll see if he responds. If not though, I'll know I can move on with a clear conscience and try to find my closure.
I had suggested an awesome event we were both interested in that was happening Tuesday evening, and he said he'd know better on Monday. Monday came and he said he was still sick and had a doctor appointment Tuesday afternoon, so he'd let me know. Tuesday morning the rain changed the details of the awesome event so it wouldn't be as awesome anymore. I texted him saying that since it had changed and because he was sick, we should call the evening a bust and plan on something later in the week or over the weekend. He said that sounded good, and I told him I hoped the doctor could help him.
And that was it. No communication from either side since then. I haven't reached out because I wanted him to want to pursue me, if he was truly interested. Because that's what you do if you really like someone, right? Since he didn't, I pretty much figured he wasn't into me anymore and I decided not to text him anymore. I went back to my dating apps, but they just feel wrong. And I've had this terrible feeling inside my stomach... is this fucking heartache over this guy? We went out twice! Why the fuck am I feeling like this?!
Because I felt an instant connection with him and haven't had that for many, many years. Because I can still picture the intensity in his eyes on our first date. Because he assured me he was truly a nice guy. And all of that got my hopes up.
So I texted him just now. Basically a "Hey, how are you doing?" message to test the waters. In all honesty though, I'm the one who cancelled our latest plans, and part of me wonders if maybe he's been thinking I've been ghosting him. Who knows. I guess we'll see if he responds. If not though, I'll know I can move on with a clear conscience and try to find my closure.
Wednesday, April 20, 2016
WTF?!
I'm not going to visit Dakota Guy. Long story short, he's not emotionally ready for anything. I totally understand and want him to get better. We decided that when he is ready, if we're both still single we'll give it a shot. But I told him I wouldn't be waiting. Honestly though, chances are I'll be single until then. Because men fucking suck. Not him, but others. And here's why...
This morning I got a FB notification of the birthday of the first guy I went out with after my separation five years ago. I had no business starting to date back then because I was an emotional wreck, but I wanted attention from a man, and he was interested. This guy was a college professor, and we had one nice date. He decided living an hour apart was too much, so we didn't see each other again. Through the years we've said passing hellos on FB and a few years ago set up a date that never happened for one reason or another.
So I wished him a happy birthday today, not expecting anything back. He promptly messaged me with "Thank you, pretty lady." I got all excited like, oh yeah, he's still interested. We chatted a few times back and forth with pleasantries and how have you beens. He said he was working today, and I replied that I hoped he had some fun tonight.
Then he fucking said... "Maybe you should send the birthday boy a naughty pic... that would make the evening fun!" Fuck you, dude. Seriously?!
I am really not looking forward to starting to date again.
This morning I got a FB notification of the birthday of the first guy I went out with after my separation five years ago. I had no business starting to date back then because I was an emotional wreck, but I wanted attention from a man, and he was interested. This guy was a college professor, and we had one nice date. He decided living an hour apart was too much, so we didn't see each other again. Through the years we've said passing hellos on FB and a few years ago set up a date that never happened for one reason or another.
So I wished him a happy birthday today, not expecting anything back. He promptly messaged me with "Thank you, pretty lady." I got all excited like, oh yeah, he's still interested. We chatted a few times back and forth with pleasantries and how have you beens. He said he was working today, and I replied that I hoped he had some fun tonight.
Then he fucking said... "Maybe you should send the birthday boy a naughty pic... that would make the evening fun!" Fuck you, dude. Seriously?!
I am really not looking forward to starting to date again.
Sunday, November 29, 2015
Holiday Blues
I dreamed I had a baby. A really huge baby. A boy. I was in the hospital, it happened in less than an hour, and I hadn't told anyone that I wanted to try it naturally. So I was really doped up, confused and didn't feel a thing. I looked over, and they had placed my enormous baby naked on another full sized bed and walked away. I picked him up and started nursing him. It was amazing and terrifying at the same time.
Lately I've been wondering if I truly still want to have a child. Wondering if I want to deal with the screaming and mememe attitude they have. I've only really been around moody toddlers lately and I think it's skewed my vision and made me forget about the good and sweet parts of children. Honestly I still think that second guessing is me trying to mentally prepare myself to be okay if it never happens. Deep down I know I want children and I'm just so very scared it won't happen. And yesterday I was having sharp and shooting ovary pains that brought that fear back to the foreground, which really didn't help. I cried every time that pain came back all night long.
I've been down since Thanksgiving. The day itself was a mix of happy and sad. I spent good time with family and friends, but I kept remembering last Thanksgiving. My house was full of people I thought were going to be my in-laws. The ex and I cooked for his family, and I loved every minute of it. Last year I thought I would be marrying that man and starting a family with him. I didn't even know he had cheated on me the month before.
I love being in a happy relationship during the holidays. It's an incredible feeling, and I miss it terribly. My house is now empty other than a roommate who may or may not be moving in a few weeks.
I think I may take a step back from trying to date. I put myself out there again last weekend and asked my sexting buddy of a couple of months now if he would like to meet in person to see if we hit it off in the real world. I guess he wasn't interested because he completely ignored that question and has tried to keep our other conversation going business as usual ever since. What is up with these guys? I get if you don't actually want to meet, but at least say so. Don't just stop all communication or ignore what I just said to you. Be a fucking grown ass person. So I'm 0-2 these past couple of weeks. I've never asked guys out before, and it just sucks now that I am that I'm getting totally shot down.
I'm actually 0-3 if you count Dakota Guy from a few months ago. Laid my heart all out there, but thankfully he was nice enough to let me down gently. These past few weeks he has been incredibly flirty and very clingy. He texts every morning and we talk throughout the day. I like it just fine, but I feel myself getting attached to him again and wondering if he could one day be a possibility. I guess it's okay for now though. Maybe he can satisfy my need for male attention, even if it is just through texts, until there's a real live human man voluntarily standing next to me in person. That sounds fucking pathetic.
Lately I've been wondering if I truly still want to have a child. Wondering if I want to deal with the screaming and mememe attitude they have. I've only really been around moody toddlers lately and I think it's skewed my vision and made me forget about the good and sweet parts of children. Honestly I still think that second guessing is me trying to mentally prepare myself to be okay if it never happens. Deep down I know I want children and I'm just so very scared it won't happen. And yesterday I was having sharp and shooting ovary pains that brought that fear back to the foreground, which really didn't help. I cried every time that pain came back all night long.
I've been down since Thanksgiving. The day itself was a mix of happy and sad. I spent good time with family and friends, but I kept remembering last Thanksgiving. My house was full of people I thought were going to be my in-laws. The ex and I cooked for his family, and I loved every minute of it. Last year I thought I would be marrying that man and starting a family with him. I didn't even know he had cheated on me the month before.
I love being in a happy relationship during the holidays. It's an incredible feeling, and I miss it terribly. My house is now empty other than a roommate who may or may not be moving in a few weeks.
I think I may take a step back from trying to date. I put myself out there again last weekend and asked my sexting buddy of a couple of months now if he would like to meet in person to see if we hit it off in the real world. I guess he wasn't interested because he completely ignored that question and has tried to keep our other conversation going business as usual ever since. What is up with these guys? I get if you don't actually want to meet, but at least say so. Don't just stop all communication or ignore what I just said to you. Be a fucking grown ass person. So I'm 0-2 these past couple of weeks. I've never asked guys out before, and it just sucks now that I am that I'm getting totally shot down.
I'm actually 0-3 if you count Dakota Guy from a few months ago. Laid my heart all out there, but thankfully he was nice enough to let me down gently. These past few weeks he has been incredibly flirty and very clingy. He texts every morning and we talk throughout the day. I like it just fine, but I feel myself getting attached to him again and wondering if he could one day be a possibility. I guess it's okay for now though. Maybe he can satisfy my need for male attention, even if it is just through texts, until there's a real live human man voluntarily standing next to me in person. That sounds fucking pathetic.
Sunday, November 22, 2015
Woah!
I can't believe it's been a freakin month since I've written! I'm not sure I've ever gone that long before. Not sure why, just haven't felt like writing until now.
This past week I stuck my toe in the dating waters to see how it would go. A few months ago I perused a certain dating website to see who was out there, and there was one guy who stuck out. I wasn't really ready for anything yet, so I didn't sign up. But last weekend after a couple of glasses of wine I decided to look again, and he was still there! So I made a profile and messaged him, and he actually messaged back! He was cute, seemed like a super nice guy, and wanted the same things I did out of life.
We decided to meet up for a drink one evening. Day was set, time was set... then he fell asleep after I asked where he'd like to meet. No big deal, he said he might. So the next morning, the day we were to meet, I sent a good morning message. I checked back a few minutes later to see that he was online. Yay! No reply. Grrr, but okay. Hours passed. About 2-3:00pm I asked if we were still on for our date. No reply. Punk. I get if he changed his mind or something, but be a freakin grown up and just say so. Geez. So that was a great first experience attempting to date again.
One good thing did come out of it though... a good conversation with my roommate. We're not very similar, have opposite schedules, and don't really see each other very much. I don't think we've had more than a five minute conversation at all before now. But we just happened to be home and awake at the same time and ended up commiserating about sucky guys. It was nice to get to vent about some stuff and be understood.
I had my first back injection a few weeks ago, and it... fucking... hurt. A lot. Like, a lot a lot. And they make you hurt more for about a week after you get them. I'd rather sit through tattoos then do that again. But, alas, I shall be receiving another 1-2 injections in the coming months, the first being in about two weeks. Awesome.
But to reward myself I shall sit through more pain and get tattooed again. I think I've finally found what I want to be my next one, but I'm still thinking and tweaking it. I've been wanting to venture off my back for awhile, and this one would be on my shoulder and arm, or just arm... haven't decided yet. I'm excited though.
I'm also excited that I've gone back to the gym! Anything other than the treadmill makes the nerve hurt, so I'm starting out super slow right now. My social anxiety has got me too nervous to venture away from the cardio equipment anyway. I'm hoping the temporary physical restriction will give me time to mentally prepare myself to try the weight machines (in front of everyone!) when I'm able. We'll see. I've only been a few times so far, but it feels so good to get back to it. This is a new gym that just opened, and I love it so far.
And that's been my exciting life for the past month.
This past week I stuck my toe in the dating waters to see how it would go. A few months ago I perused a certain dating website to see who was out there, and there was one guy who stuck out. I wasn't really ready for anything yet, so I didn't sign up. But last weekend after a couple of glasses of wine I decided to look again, and he was still there! So I made a profile and messaged him, and he actually messaged back! He was cute, seemed like a super nice guy, and wanted the same things I did out of life.
We decided to meet up for a drink one evening. Day was set, time was set... then he fell asleep after I asked where he'd like to meet. No big deal, he said he might. So the next morning, the day we were to meet, I sent a good morning message. I checked back a few minutes later to see that he was online. Yay! No reply. Grrr, but okay. Hours passed. About 2-3:00pm I asked if we were still on for our date. No reply. Punk. I get if he changed his mind or something, but be a freakin grown up and just say so. Geez. So that was a great first experience attempting to date again.
One good thing did come out of it though... a good conversation with my roommate. We're not very similar, have opposite schedules, and don't really see each other very much. I don't think we've had more than a five minute conversation at all before now. But we just happened to be home and awake at the same time and ended up commiserating about sucky guys. It was nice to get to vent about some stuff and be understood.
I had my first back injection a few weeks ago, and it... fucking... hurt. A lot. Like, a lot a lot. And they make you hurt more for about a week after you get them. I'd rather sit through tattoos then do that again. But, alas, I shall be receiving another 1-2 injections in the coming months, the first being in about two weeks. Awesome.
But to reward myself I shall sit through more pain and get tattooed again. I think I've finally found what I want to be my next one, but I'm still thinking and tweaking it. I've been wanting to venture off my back for awhile, and this one would be on my shoulder and arm, or just arm... haven't decided yet. I'm excited though.
I'm also excited that I've gone back to the gym! Anything other than the treadmill makes the nerve hurt, so I'm starting out super slow right now. My social anxiety has got me too nervous to venture away from the cardio equipment anyway. I'm hoping the temporary physical restriction will give me time to mentally prepare myself to try the weight machines (in front of everyone!) when I'm able. We'll see. I've only been a few times so far, but it feels so good to get back to it. This is a new gym that just opened, and I love it so far.
And that's been my exciting life for the past month.
Friday, October 16, 2015
Self Pachingo Therapy
Mascara is streaking down my face right now. My pachingo and my feelings are hurt. I want to yell and scream and kick something really hard.
So back when I had endo excision surgery, during the initial exam my amazing doctor man diagnosed me with pelvic floor dysfunction and prescribed physical therapy for it. Since coochie PT is not covered by insurance, I did some research and found this fabulous self-treatment book that even was said to be recommended by therapists for patients who can't afford to see them. Appropriate I thought, so I got it. It said I should get some medical vaginal dilators, so I did and nearly shit myself at the thought of inserting the one sized XL. No fucking way that was gonna happen.
So tonight was to be Day 1. I re-read the chapter on self-assessment and got to it. Damn if I didn't make it all the way to the big boy before insertion hurt. I was pretty proud of myself. Then it said to take the XS and do some poking around. Fuck if that didn't hurt every fucking place I pressed. I was still okay though. I realized where the problem areas are (everywhere) and read the chapter about how to start fixing it.
Alright, so step one, insertion with the little guy again. Check. Step two, poke it where it hurts and hold it there for a few minutes. Alright, I'll give it a shot. I started where it said to and worked my way around. Then it happened. One tear, followed by another and another until I was bawling.
The pain started it, but then it was from frustration, then anger. Frustration that I had to be dealt this card in life on top of everything else. (Yes, I know there are much worse cards I could have had, but let me have my little pity party.) Agitation that I can't have what it seems everyone else has... enjoyable sex without pain. (Is that really a thing you can do sober?**) Then anger that this has hurt not only me but important relationships in my life. The fact that it was part of my marriage ending and what drove my ex-boyfriend to cheat. And there was that punch in the gut again. I just couldn't continue in that frame of mind.
I need to do this for me. I need to be able to enjoy sex for myself (and with... I would like to be able to insert my vibrator) and eventually with an actual penis. I shouldn't be doing it because I'm scared if I don't I'll never be able to keep a man. As stupid as that sounds, it's a real fear. I've learned even the seemingly perfect man isn't guaranteed to stick around if he thinks it's his fault you're hurting every time you make love.
I met this guy online a few weeks ago. It was strictly platonic at first but the more we've talked it's grown into basically sexting. We've never met, we don't know personal information about each other. His profile pic is of his very well sculpted upper half, minus the face, and I don't have a pic at all. A lot of our sexting leans toward the rougher stuff, and it's got me thinking. What if one day we do decide to meet, hit it off and eventually head toward the bedroom. He obviously likes it a little more aggressive, and I do too when I can stand it (read = drunk). What if I can't do it? Oops... there goes another one! And there's that fucking fear. Literally, also. I should be able to have sex however the fuck I want and not be scared that it's going to fucking hurt. And me thinking about this guy (sexy as he is) is me partially thinking I'll never find a lasting love so I might as well just stick with a fuck buddy.
And in all that rambling I guess that brings me back full circle. I need to do this. Period. Maybe I'll call today a practice run where I worked out all the kinks (hopefully) and tomorrow can be called Day 1½ .
**Just now writing this I've realized why I always like sex better when drunk. I remember saying to my ex, "Let's get drunk and have sex". Most of the time he was fine with it, but a couple of times he responded with something like, "Why do you only want to have sex when we're drunk?" I thought it was because it takes away some of my inhibitions, but I'm just now realizing that it's also because it doesn't hurt as much when I'm numb from the alcohol. Maybe the fact that it doesn't hurt makes me want to do more. I definitely feel it later and still the next day, but not during, and I guess that knowledge was stored deep down somewhere. Huh.
So back when I had endo excision surgery, during the initial exam my amazing doctor man diagnosed me with pelvic floor dysfunction and prescribed physical therapy for it. Since coochie PT is not covered by insurance, I did some research and found this fabulous self-treatment book that even was said to be recommended by therapists for patients who can't afford to see them. Appropriate I thought, so I got it. It said I should get some medical vaginal dilators, so I did and nearly shit myself at the thought of inserting the one sized XL. No fucking way that was gonna happen.
So tonight was to be Day 1. I re-read the chapter on self-assessment and got to it. Damn if I didn't make it all the way to the big boy before insertion hurt. I was pretty proud of myself. Then it said to take the XS and do some poking around. Fuck if that didn't hurt every fucking place I pressed. I was still okay though. I realized where the problem areas are (everywhere) and read the chapter about how to start fixing it.
Alright, so step one, insertion with the little guy again. Check. Step two, poke it where it hurts and hold it there for a few minutes. Alright, I'll give it a shot. I started where it said to and worked my way around. Then it happened. One tear, followed by another and another until I was bawling.
The pain started it, but then it was from frustration, then anger. Frustration that I had to be dealt this card in life on top of everything else. (Yes, I know there are much worse cards I could have had, but let me have my little pity party.) Agitation that I can't have what it seems everyone else has... enjoyable sex without pain. (Is that really a thing you can do sober?**) Then anger that this has hurt not only me but important relationships in my life. The fact that it was part of my marriage ending and what drove my ex-boyfriend to cheat. And there was that punch in the gut again. I just couldn't continue in that frame of mind.
I need to do this for me. I need to be able to enjoy sex for myself (and with... I would like to be able to insert my vibrator) and eventually with an actual penis. I shouldn't be doing it because I'm scared if I don't I'll never be able to keep a man. As stupid as that sounds, it's a real fear. I've learned even the seemingly perfect man isn't guaranteed to stick around if he thinks it's his fault you're hurting every time you make love.
I met this guy online a few weeks ago. It was strictly platonic at first but the more we've talked it's grown into basically sexting. We've never met, we don't know personal information about each other. His profile pic is of his very well sculpted upper half, minus the face, and I don't have a pic at all. A lot of our sexting leans toward the rougher stuff, and it's got me thinking. What if one day we do decide to meet, hit it off and eventually head toward the bedroom. He obviously likes it a little more aggressive, and I do too when I can stand it (read = drunk). What if I can't do it? Oops... there goes another one! And there's that fucking fear. Literally, also. I should be able to have sex however the fuck I want and not be scared that it's going to fucking hurt. And me thinking about this guy (sexy as he is) is me partially thinking I'll never find a lasting love so I might as well just stick with a fuck buddy.
And in all that rambling I guess that brings me back full circle. I need to do this. Period. Maybe I'll call today a practice run where I worked out all the kinks (hopefully) and tomorrow can be called Day 1½ .
**Just now writing this I've realized why I always like sex better when drunk. I remember saying to my ex, "Let's get drunk and have sex". Most of the time he was fine with it, but a couple of times he responded with something like, "Why do you only want to have sex when we're drunk?" I thought it was because it takes away some of my inhibitions, but I'm just now realizing that it's also because it doesn't hurt as much when I'm numb from the alcohol. Maybe the fact that it doesn't hurt makes me want to do more. I definitely feel it later and still the next day, but not during, and I guess that knowledge was stored deep down somewhere. Huh.
Sunday, August 9, 2015
Grouchy
- Put up ad on C-list for the room, get several promising responses, back and forth with a couple of them, send applications... never hear back.
- Texting with Dakota Guy all night who said he wasn't doing anything for the evening, get tired of texting, call him 30 seconds after his last text, no answer and no more texts... I know your phone is right fucking beside you!
- Back hurts, physical therapy making it hurt more and therapist saying, "Good!"... frustrated and tearing up on treadmill hoping no one sees me brushing them away.
- Physical therapy aggravating bursitis in shoulder... come on!
- Still haven't heard from the lawyer about getting my car fixed from the accident... what's the hold up?!
- Scroll through FB and my old dog pops up as a someone I might know... start bawling.
- All over FB that it's National Breastfeeding Week, see articles, people I know posting pics, their mothers calling them Breastfeeding Goddesses... terrified I will never get to do that.
- Dinner with two "sisters", their kids and parents at the parents' house, see them all one big happy family, grandparents on floor playing, scared that 1- I'll never get to have kids, 2- My back will never be strong enough for me to do all that when I'm older... rushing to bathroom to hide tears.
- Two parking spaces in front of my house, one has not been occupied for a couple of months and the whole neighborhood knows it, neighbors let their guest park in it for four days now, never asked if it was cool, I would have said yes, but it's the principle of the thing... grr.
- Same neighbors' dog comes out when I'm happily playing with my dog and instigates fence fighting... why???
Yes, AF is in town.
- Texting with Dakota Guy all night who said he wasn't doing anything for the evening, get tired of texting, call him 30 seconds after his last text, no answer and no more texts... I know your phone is right fucking beside you!
- Back hurts, physical therapy making it hurt more and therapist saying, "Good!"... frustrated and tearing up on treadmill hoping no one sees me brushing them away.
- Physical therapy aggravating bursitis in shoulder... come on!
- Still haven't heard from the lawyer about getting my car fixed from the accident... what's the hold up?!
- Scroll through FB and my old dog pops up as a someone I might know... start bawling.
- All over FB that it's National Breastfeeding Week, see articles, people I know posting pics, their mothers calling them Breastfeeding Goddesses... terrified I will never get to do that.
- Dinner with two "sisters", their kids and parents at the parents' house, see them all one big happy family, grandparents on floor playing, scared that 1- I'll never get to have kids, 2- My back will never be strong enough for me to do all that when I'm older... rushing to bathroom to hide tears.
- Two parking spaces in front of my house, one has not been occupied for a couple of months and the whole neighborhood knows it, neighbors let their guest park in it for four days now, never asked if it was cool, I would have said yes, but it's the principle of the thing... grr.
- Same neighbors' dog comes out when I'm happily playing with my dog and instigates fence fighting... why???
Yes, AF is in town.
Sunday, June 21, 2015
Accident
I've been very lucky through the years with driving. There have been some close calls, but I've never had so much as a traffic ticket, let alone been in an accident. Until this past week. I was driving to work and got rear ended at a light. I got hit hard and pushed into the car ahead of me. It scared me pretty badly, and I think I was in some form of shock for a little while. I was kind of spacey and shaky. And now...
My. Back. Effing. Hurts.
It had been hurting some before, and I actually had X-rays done the day before the accident. Then after, I went straight to the doctor and they did more X-rays than I've ever had at one time. They joked I should be glowing and instructed me not to try to get pregnant that night because I'd been exposed to so much radiation. Awesome.
Anyways, they said my spine looked okay, but X-rays don't show anything with the discs. Since the accident I've had more pain in my lumbar area and it's going down my legs a lot again. I'm nervous. My neck and middle back hurt now too, and I've got an appointment with my chiropractor this week. Joy. My poor car will need some doctoring too. Not too bad, but I hate seeing it damaged like that. We've been through a lot together.
I talked to my parents and they were all, "GET A LAWYER! GET A LAWYER! GET A LAWYER!" They had a convincing argument, and even though I hadn't been planning on it, I got a lawyer. I was nervous to because I've never needed one before other than to close on a house, but I'm glad I did now. They were awesome and are going to handle everything. Which is nice, because I had no idea where to start.
Oh how I hope this all goes smoothly.
My. Back. Effing. Hurts.
It had been hurting some before, and I actually had X-rays done the day before the accident. Then after, I went straight to the doctor and they did more X-rays than I've ever had at one time. They joked I should be glowing and instructed me not to try to get pregnant that night because I'd been exposed to so much radiation. Awesome.
Anyways, they said my spine looked okay, but X-rays don't show anything with the discs. Since the accident I've had more pain in my lumbar area and it's going down my legs a lot again. I'm nervous. My neck and middle back hurt now too, and I've got an appointment with my chiropractor this week. Joy. My poor car will need some doctoring too. Not too bad, but I hate seeing it damaged like that. We've been through a lot together.
I talked to my parents and they were all, "GET A LAWYER! GET A LAWYER! GET A LAWYER!" They had a convincing argument, and even though I hadn't been planning on it, I got a lawyer. I was nervous to because I've never needed one before other than to close on a house, but I'm glad I did now. They were awesome and are going to handle everything. Which is nice, because I had no idea where to start.
Oh how I hope this all goes smoothly.
Sunday, May 24, 2015
Of course...
I took a big step this week. I confessed my feelings to someone I've liked for many years and basically asked him if he felt the same and wanted to try us in an actual relationship.
He said no.
Because that's how my life goes.
He said it wasn't because he didn't feel the same back and that he really does think we'd be good together. It's just that he's working through things and doesn't know what he really wants out of life with career, family, or kids. He's not ready for that serious of a commitment. Uh huh. How many times have I heard that now? I actually do believe him though. He's always been very honest and upfront with everything, and I know he is going through something right now. But it just sucks.
I think this was the first time I've ever really asked someone out like that. And I really thought he would say yes. We've got good chemistry, and I know he's been into me for years too. I think we would be amazing together.
How old do you have to be to know what you want out of life? I know that's not fair and doesn't work for everyone, but I've known I wanted love and family since I was in high school, and it's been so hard to wait this long. My ex-husband said he wasn't ready for it all at 26, unless there was more he wasn't telling me. Then my "friends with benefits" guy who I really liked as more wasn't sure at 28. The most recent ex is 38 and says he doesn't know. But he cheated on me, so who believes anything he says. And now this guy at 32. I mean, after so many people saying the same thing, you kind of figure you're the common denominator. Is that just it? Am I not meant to find it?
Or maybe I already have...
At least I've got him.
He said no.
Because that's how my life goes.
He said it wasn't because he didn't feel the same back and that he really does think we'd be good together. It's just that he's working through things and doesn't know what he really wants out of life with career, family, or kids. He's not ready for that serious of a commitment. Uh huh. How many times have I heard that now? I actually do believe him though. He's always been very honest and upfront with everything, and I know he is going through something right now. But it just sucks.
I think this was the first time I've ever really asked someone out like that. And I really thought he would say yes. We've got good chemistry, and I know he's been into me for years too. I think we would be amazing together.
How old do you have to be to know what you want out of life? I know that's not fair and doesn't work for everyone, but I've known I wanted love and family since I was in high school, and it's been so hard to wait this long. My ex-husband said he wasn't ready for it all at 26, unless there was more he wasn't telling me. Then my "friends with benefits" guy who I really liked as more wasn't sure at 28. The most recent ex is 38 and says he doesn't know. But he cheated on me, so who believes anything he says. And now this guy at 32. I mean, after so many people saying the same thing, you kind of figure you're the common denominator. Is that just it? Am I not meant to find it?
Or maybe I already have...
At least I've got him.
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
Worries
I go back to work tomorrow. I'm happy and nervous at the same time. Happy to be getting back to doing something and feeling useful. Nervous about how it's all gonna go down. I think it'll be okay. I went in Friday for my paycheck, and the new manager was freaking out a little about one aspect she hadn't known about. I actually showed her a few things to get her through it, and it went well.
I'm also happy to be getting out of the house and having something else to focus on besides the break-up. The now ex-boyfriend has been off the past couple of days, so we've been home together a lot. Sometimes it's not so bad, but a majority of the time it's just super awkward. I can't go up and kiss him anymore, although we do hug sometimes. The feelings are all still there, but I have to just turn them off. It's difficult.
He actually went to look at a new place yesterday and put in an application for it. On one hand I want him to still live here a couple of months so I can save up a little more money since I plan on living by myself for a few months after he leaves. On the other I think it would be better if he did move sooner so I could start trying to get over him.
I'm terrified about getting a new roommate. I lucked out with my last one and don't think I'd ever find another one like her. But I might, possibly. I really don't want to get one, but I can't afford to live here by myself. Grrr...
Other stupid stuff I'm worrying about now:
- I have to mow the massive lawn again now with my heavy manual, swirly-whirligig mower. How's that gonna go with my bum back?
- Am I gonna keep the gas tank for the fireplace? I can't afford to have that massive thing refilled by myself. Is a new roommate going to want to split the cost?
- The whole neighborhood's going to know we split up when his car goes away for good. It really doesn't matter, but it's annoying.
- He's more than likely going to take his dog with him, and both dogs are going to be sad when they're separated. Mine was actually depressed for awhile last time and didn't want to play or do much of anything.
- I'll have to get my own butter dish.
Random things like that pop in my head all the time. The biggest thing I worry about is if I'm ever going to have a child. How long will it be before I date again? If/when I find the right man, how long will we date before getting married? Will I still be able to have children when that happens? If I could do it on my own I totally would, but I just cannot afford that. I wish I could so I wouldn't have to worry about a freakin man.
I'm also happy to be getting out of the house and having something else to focus on besides the break-up. The now ex-boyfriend has been off the past couple of days, so we've been home together a lot. Sometimes it's not so bad, but a majority of the time it's just super awkward. I can't go up and kiss him anymore, although we do hug sometimes. The feelings are all still there, but I have to just turn them off. It's difficult.
He actually went to look at a new place yesterday and put in an application for it. On one hand I want him to still live here a couple of months so I can save up a little more money since I plan on living by myself for a few months after he leaves. On the other I think it would be better if he did move sooner so I could start trying to get over him.
I'm terrified about getting a new roommate. I lucked out with my last one and don't think I'd ever find another one like her. But I might, possibly. I really don't want to get one, but I can't afford to live here by myself. Grrr...
Other stupid stuff I'm worrying about now:
- I have to mow the massive lawn again now with my heavy manual, swirly-whirligig mower. How's that gonna go with my bum back?
- Am I gonna keep the gas tank for the fireplace? I can't afford to have that massive thing refilled by myself. Is a new roommate going to want to split the cost?
- The whole neighborhood's going to know we split up when his car goes away for good. It really doesn't matter, but it's annoying.
- He's more than likely going to take his dog with him, and both dogs are going to be sad when they're separated. Mine was actually depressed for awhile last time and didn't want to play or do much of anything.
- I'll have to get my own butter dish.
Random things like that pop in my head all the time. The biggest thing I worry about is if I'm ever going to have a child. How long will it be before I date again? If/when I find the right man, how long will we date before getting married? Will I still be able to have children when that happens? If I could do it on my own I totally would, but I just cannot afford that. I wish I could so I wouldn't have to worry about a freakin man.
Saturday, February 21, 2015
Left Behind
I hope I one day get to participate in some of the things that only mommies get to share together. The youngest of my four "sisters" is pregnant, so that makes all of them with little ones now. I keep seeing them tag each other in Facebook posts about pregnancy, breastfeeding, toddler tactics, etc, and it's hard. I feel so left out. I remember when the ex and I were trying and I was so excited that I might be the first one of us to have a baby. So much for that.
In fact, you know that one stereotypical friend that's always behind everyone else in life? I feel like that's me. I was always the single one in the teenage years and the one late to the significant life events. I was sixteen for my first kiss and 24 before I found love and all that went with it. To be fair though I was the first one to buy a house. And to get divorced. That's something, I suppose.
The other day my old college roommate announced that she's finally pregnant with her first. Yes, I'm jealous, but she totally deserves it. She's been trying for years and years and didn't think it would ever happen for her. I'm so very happy that it did.
On the other hand, last week an ex-coworker announced that she's pregnant with her on and off again boyfriend. She's been doing drugs for as long as I've known her, although she claims she's clean now. I hope so. And another ex-coworker gave birth about a month ago to a little girl. We found out she was taking illegally obtained pills during her entire pregnancy. I hope that beautiful little one is okay. I'm not saying they deserve it any less, it's just hard to see.
Who am I to talk? I'm not even officially trying and haven't been for a very long time. I feel like I've been waiting forever. Technically it's been four years since the ex and I split and therefore stopped trying. Add that to the approximately one year we were trying... that's five years since I started trying to have a baby. I went from mid/later twenties to early thirties, and fertility wise, that's a long time. For me that's a really fucking long time. We could start in a few months, but I'd really like to be married before we do. The way things are going now, who knows when that will be.
I'm so tired of having to wait for the only thing I've ever wanted to do with my life.
In fact, you know that one stereotypical friend that's always behind everyone else in life? I feel like that's me. I was always the single one in the teenage years and the one late to the significant life events. I was sixteen for my first kiss and 24 before I found love and all that went with it. To be fair though I was the first one to buy a house. And to get divorced. That's something, I suppose.
The other day my old college roommate announced that she's finally pregnant with her first. Yes, I'm jealous, but she totally deserves it. She's been trying for years and years and didn't think it would ever happen for her. I'm so very happy that it did.
On the other hand, last week an ex-coworker announced that she's pregnant with her on and off again boyfriend. She's been doing drugs for as long as I've known her, although she claims she's clean now. I hope so. And another ex-coworker gave birth about a month ago to a little girl. We found out she was taking illegally obtained pills during her entire pregnancy. I hope that beautiful little one is okay. I'm not saying they deserve it any less, it's just hard to see.
Who am I to talk? I'm not even officially trying and haven't been for a very long time. I feel like I've been waiting forever. Technically it's been four years since the ex and I split and therefore stopped trying. Add that to the approximately one year we were trying... that's five years since I started trying to have a baby. I went from mid/later twenties to early thirties, and fertility wise, that's a long time. For me that's a really fucking long time. We could start in a few months, but I'd really like to be married before we do. The way things are going now, who knows when that will be.
I'm so tired of having to wait for the only thing I've ever wanted to do with my life.
Saturday, February 14, 2015
Suck Ass Birthday
Second back surgery was this past week, the day before my birthday. One nurse said, "Anesthesia... the gift that keeps on giving." Yeah...
Apparently it went well. The surgeon said he removed a lot of scar tissue from the last surgery (that can't be good though, right?) and cleaned the disc out really well so nothing else would come out. I don't remember much from the recovery room except answering some questions... maybe. My room was just like last time, and I slept a lot. I had a few visitors who brought flowers. The boyfriend took me home the next day and I slept some more.
For some reason though, this whole experience has me feeling a little discontented. During the pre-op visit with the surgeon the week before surgery his demeanor that day just bothered me. I asked a myriad of questions about what exactly I should and should not do so that this doesn't happen again. He answered them but basically said he wants me to live my life and doesn't want me to have to act like a 60-year-old in what I do. He said to use common sense, but then was all, "And if it does happen again we'll just go in again and fuse." Yes, we'd talked about it before, but there was something about how casually he said it this time that pissed me off... like, yeah, whatever, no big deal if it does happen. That is a big fucking deal to me! During that appointment I also brought up wanting to get pregnant at some point and asked some questions about that. So yeah, he's had several patients have a disc rupture again during a pregnancy and there's not a damn thing you can do about it until after the baby comes. That would be my luck.
Then the anesthesiologist bothered me. He asked if I'd had anesthesia before and if I'd had any trouble with it. I told him last time they said I woke up agitated. He snapped back, "I don't care how you wake up. We can give you more and knock you back out again." I'm not sure if that second sentence is exactly what he said, but his tone pissed me the fuck off.
When back in my room after it was all over, I found a second IV in my other hand. They had told me they would put in after I was asleep, so no biggie. But it wasn't going to be used again after surgery and was very painful, so I asked at least five different people several times if I could have it removed. I think I started asking around 9pm, which was nine hours after surgery was over, and it was finally taken out at 4am. And apparently they had a hard time getting that one in because I have two other insertion spots on that hand and wrist that are majorly bruised and sore. Third time was a charm, I guess?
So after it all I went home and the boyfriend was weird all day, like he always is after I have surgery. He's very standoffish and doesn't console or anything (he says it's because he doesn't like seeing people in pain). He didn't even get me a birthday present. But he has been cooking dinner and doing everything around the house, and I guess that's how he shows his love. And he did get me a card and told me he's ordered a present, so there's that. I did get a call from my peeps at work on speakerphone, which was amazing and probably the highlight of my birthday.
We're not doing anything for Valentine's Day. I pretty much can't anyway. I made him a dirty card but can't follow through on anything in it. Maybe we'll go out to dinner next weekend or something.
I've felt like a bucket of shit since I got home. My back hurts so terribly. The pain wasn't anywhere near this bad after the first surgery, and the meds make me feel so freakin sick. I'm just miserable. And home alone for 12 hours a day. It's awesome.
And the fucking cherry on top came in a text message this morning. One of my "sisters" sent a mass text to her sisters, mother and me just saying Happy Valentine's Day. The mother responded with similar tidings, but of course also had to add in that "to some of the best mommies I know." I guess that didn't apply to me. RUB IT THE FUCK IN, WHY DON'T YOU?!?!
Man I'm bitching a lot. I have so much to be thankful for... I made it through surgery which will hopefully stick this time. My step-dad is still alive for now. I have so many people who love me.
I just physically and emotionally feel like shit, so please excuse me.
Apparently it went well. The surgeon said he removed a lot of scar tissue from the last surgery (that can't be good though, right?) and cleaned the disc out really well so nothing else would come out. I don't remember much from the recovery room except answering some questions... maybe. My room was just like last time, and I slept a lot. I had a few visitors who brought flowers. The boyfriend took me home the next day and I slept some more.
For some reason though, this whole experience has me feeling a little discontented. During the pre-op visit with the surgeon the week before surgery his demeanor that day just bothered me. I asked a myriad of questions about what exactly I should and should not do so that this doesn't happen again. He answered them but basically said he wants me to live my life and doesn't want me to have to act like a 60-year-old in what I do. He said to use common sense, but then was all, "And if it does happen again we'll just go in again and fuse." Yes, we'd talked about it before, but there was something about how casually he said it this time that pissed me off... like, yeah, whatever, no big deal if it does happen. That is a big fucking deal to me! During that appointment I also brought up wanting to get pregnant at some point and asked some questions about that. So yeah, he's had several patients have a disc rupture again during a pregnancy and there's not a damn thing you can do about it until after the baby comes. That would be my luck.
Then the anesthesiologist bothered me. He asked if I'd had anesthesia before and if I'd had any trouble with it. I told him last time they said I woke up agitated. He snapped back, "I don't care how you wake up. We can give you more and knock you back out again." I'm not sure if that second sentence is exactly what he said, but his tone pissed me the fuck off.
When back in my room after it was all over, I found a second IV in my other hand. They had told me they would put in after I was asleep, so no biggie. But it wasn't going to be used again after surgery and was very painful, so I asked at least five different people several times if I could have it removed. I think I started asking around 9pm, which was nine hours after surgery was over, and it was finally taken out at 4am. And apparently they had a hard time getting that one in because I have two other insertion spots on that hand and wrist that are majorly bruised and sore. Third time was a charm, I guess?
So after it all I went home and the boyfriend was weird all day, like he always is after I have surgery. He's very standoffish and doesn't console or anything (he says it's because he doesn't like seeing people in pain). He didn't even get me a birthday present. But he has been cooking dinner and doing everything around the house, and I guess that's how he shows his love. And he did get me a card and told me he's ordered a present, so there's that. I did get a call from my peeps at work on speakerphone, which was amazing and probably the highlight of my birthday.
We're not doing anything for Valentine's Day. I pretty much can't anyway. I made him a dirty card but can't follow through on anything in it. Maybe we'll go out to dinner next weekend or something.
I've felt like a bucket of shit since I got home. My back hurts so terribly. The pain wasn't anywhere near this bad after the first surgery, and the meds make me feel so freakin sick. I'm just miserable. And home alone for 12 hours a day. It's awesome.
And the fucking cherry on top came in a text message this morning. One of my "sisters" sent a mass text to her sisters, mother and me just saying Happy Valentine's Day. The mother responded with similar tidings, but of course also had to add in that "to some of the best mommies I know." I guess that didn't apply to me. RUB IT THE FUCK IN, WHY DON'T YOU?!?!
Man I'm bitching a lot. I have so much to be thankful for... I made it through surgery which will hopefully stick this time. My step-dad is still alive for now. I have so many people who love me.
I just physically and emotionally feel like shit, so please excuse me.
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
Gathering moss over here...
Hello all. Happy New Year. A little late, but that's how I roll here lately. Once again I feel like life has been stalled. So many things I want to do, but I have to wait. I want to get married, but I have to wait. I want to try to get pregnant, but I have to wait. I want to go to the gym and physically feel better, but I have to wait.
Second back surgery is scheduled for next month... the day before my birthday to be exact. Hopefully I'll be getting out of the hospital the day I ring in my 32nd year. So I'm waiting another month for that. Then after I'll wait many months more... to heal, to be able to effectively exercise, to start that two pink lines trek again.
And I'm still waiting for an official proposal. Part of me is thinking that if he really wanted to propose he would have by now. I mean, seriously. We started talking about this over a year ago. I had my ring setting (we've already got the main stone) picked out seven months ago, and it's not expensive. Then the logical part of me kicks in pointing out yet again how tight money really has been. But how long has a girl got to wait?!
I've been in yet another funk for a while lately, and I'm tired of waiting for it to end. I think all of the above plus a little more and just worrying about it has dragged me down here. I considered taking anti-depressants again, but I keep telling myself I can get out of this without pharmaceutical help.
I've thought maybe getting creative somehow and physically making something could help and I've been antsy trying to decide on something. Whenever (if ever) we do get married, a lot of the wedding and reception will have to be DIY, and I'd really like to start on it. But I have to wait for the proposal and setting a date to decide on themes and colors and what exactly I want to make. I asked him a little while ago if he'd thought of when he would like to have the wedding. In true male fashion he said, "I'm thinking May." So, four months? Sure, that's totally doable. *sigh* I'll be lucky to even have the first ring on my finger by then.
I'm just bitching and moaning again. I feel like that's all I do. But again, this is where I come to do it, and the loving internet gets to enjoy it. Joking aside, it is nice to have this place to vent knowing no one I know is actually reading.
Second back surgery is scheduled for next month... the day before my birthday to be exact. Hopefully I'll be getting out of the hospital the day I ring in my 32nd year. So I'm waiting another month for that. Then after I'll wait many months more... to heal, to be able to effectively exercise, to start that two pink lines trek again.
And I'm still waiting for an official proposal. Part of me is thinking that if he really wanted to propose he would have by now. I mean, seriously. We started talking about this over a year ago. I had my ring setting (we've already got the main stone) picked out seven months ago, and it's not expensive. Then the logical part of me kicks in pointing out yet again how tight money really has been. But how long has a girl got to wait?!
I've been in yet another funk for a while lately, and I'm tired of waiting for it to end. I think all of the above plus a little more and just worrying about it has dragged me down here. I considered taking anti-depressants again, but I keep telling myself I can get out of this without pharmaceutical help.
I've thought maybe getting creative somehow and physically making something could help and I've been antsy trying to decide on something. Whenever (if ever) we do get married, a lot of the wedding and reception will have to be DIY, and I'd really like to start on it. But I have to wait for the proposal and setting a date to decide on themes and colors and what exactly I want to make. I asked him a little while ago if he'd thought of when he would like to have the wedding. In true male fashion he said, "I'm thinking May." So, four months? Sure, that's totally doable. *sigh* I'll be lucky to even have the first ring on my finger by then.
I'm just bitching and moaning again. I feel like that's all I do. But again, this is where I come to do it, and the loving internet gets to enjoy it. Joking aside, it is nice to have this place to vent knowing no one I know is actually reading.
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Quick Rant
I get so frustrated with some of my friends who have kids. When I call or text asking about how they (the friends themselves) are doing, all I get back are either just pictures of the children or "Well, he's been doing this," or "She's been up to that."
I want to scream, "That is not what I asked you!! I want to know how and what YOU yourself are doing. Tell me YOUR thoughts, YOUR emotions!!"
I want to scream, "That is not what I asked you!! I want to know how and what YOU yourself are doing. Tell me YOUR thoughts, YOUR emotions!!"
I understand that their kids are an enormous part of their lives and make up a large part of what they do. I don't at all mind hearing stories about the little ones, but I don't want to just talk about them. And I don't want to be bombarded with pictures of them... one is enough.
I can understand where they're coming from. They're proud parents and want to brag about the newest things their babes have accomplished. Although with one in particular I get the feeling her husband isn't too involved with the whole parenting process, so most of the responsibility falls to her... I wonder if at times she feels that's all she should or can talk about, which makes me sad. But that's a whole other post.
Anyways, they all know my story. They know I sometimes have a hard time with things related to children. I don't expect them to go out of their way or anything. I just wish they could be a little more sensitive to the fact. Or at least reach out to me every once in a while. They are never the ones to try to keep the friendships going by reestablishing contact. Grrr.
Okay, end rant. I feel better now.
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Uphill... both ways... in the snow
Things have been so up and down these past couple of weeks, and I've been stressed the eff out.
Down: Everyone's pissed at someone about something at work. The business is going downhill quickly. A two week notice was given. My manager is looking for a new job and/or may get fired very soon.
Up: I may be manager soon! That means more money!
Down: I have no desire to be manager of that sinking ship and inherit all the stress that goes with the job! I never wanted a career, I just want to be a mom... waaah!
Down: The dogs have been fighting lately. Well, one dog. The dog the boyfriend and I got together has been attacking my dog for sometimes what appears as no real reason at all. He put a big hole in my dog's side which led to an appointment for him getting neutered.
Up: Luckily I work at a vet's office and got the patching up and the neutering at a highly discounted cost.
Down: He turned on my dog again, and now we think it's got to do with something else. It's been so frustrating because they were fine with each other for a year and a half. Now all of a sudden one's turned into an asshole.
Up: Free advice from the vet I work with, and we have some new things to try.
Up: My youngest "sister's" wedding is this weekend! Three-day weekend and a night of possible partying at the beach. Gonna see all my sisters and their significant others. We're all gonna get to hang and they'll get to know my boyfriend more.
Down: It's more money to spend that I just don't have, including buying a new dress because nothing I have is appropriate or even fits.
Up: Find a beautiful new dress online!
Down: It gets here and it doesn't fit, and the tiny online boutique I bought it from only does store credit, and I don't like anything else they have. My big fat stomach that has kept getting bigger since I can't fully work out yet because of my back and eating bad shit lately makes me look freakin big and preggo. (Phew... that was a long one.) Have to actually go to a store and try on dresses, but can only find one that is halfway appropriate. Go home and cry because I'm fat. :'(
Up: Decide to buy a waist cincher so I can wear the dress I originally bought, and...
Down: ...even though it'll be labored breathing for a few hours...
Up: ...at least I'll feel pretty. (Yes, I know how ridiculous that sounds and is.)
Down: Started painting the house and hurt my back again. Two extra weeks of physical therapy just to get it back to where it was halfway feeling better.
Up: Now it's better, and I may potentially only have one session left before I'm done with PT altogether! Can go back to the gym and lose some weight!
Down: Have no money to pay for the gym. Maybe I'll invest in some free weights and work out at home.
Up: Surgery is in six weeks! Time is going by so quickly.
Down: No real down for that, except maybe the cost, but that's okay. I'm ready.
Okay, that pity party's over. I think the ups and downs have felt so huge lately because the birth control and anti-depressant I've stopped taking are really making their way out of my system now. My hormones are doing their own thing again, and my emotions are back to being triggered very easily. With a combination from those, recovery from surgery and the nerves/stress of thinking about and preparing for the next upcoming surgery, I think my body's been through a lot these past couple of months.
Down: Everyone's pissed at someone about something at work. The business is going downhill quickly. A two week notice was given. My manager is looking for a new job and/or may get fired very soon.
Up: I may be manager soon! That means more money!
Down: I have no desire to be manager of that sinking ship and inherit all the stress that goes with the job! I never wanted a career, I just want to be a mom... waaah!
Down: The dogs have been fighting lately. Well, one dog. The dog the boyfriend and I got together has been attacking my dog for sometimes what appears as no real reason at all. He put a big hole in my dog's side which led to an appointment for him getting neutered.
Up: Luckily I work at a vet's office and got the patching up and the neutering at a highly discounted cost.
Down: He turned on my dog again, and now we think it's got to do with something else. It's been so frustrating because they were fine with each other for a year and a half. Now all of a sudden one's turned into an asshole.
Up: Free advice from the vet I work with, and we have some new things to try.
Up: My youngest "sister's" wedding is this weekend! Three-day weekend and a night of possible partying at the beach. Gonna see all my sisters and their significant others. We're all gonna get to hang and they'll get to know my boyfriend more.
Down: It's more money to spend that I just don't have, including buying a new dress because nothing I have is appropriate or even fits.
Up: Find a beautiful new dress online!
Down: It gets here and it doesn't fit, and the tiny online boutique I bought it from only does store credit, and I don't like anything else they have. My big fat stomach that has kept getting bigger since I can't fully work out yet because of my back and eating bad shit lately makes me look freakin big and preggo. (Phew... that was a long one.) Have to actually go to a store and try on dresses, but can only find one that is halfway appropriate. Go home and cry because I'm fat. :'(
Up: Decide to buy a waist cincher so I can wear the dress I originally bought, and...
Down: ...even though it'll be labored breathing for a few hours...
Up: ...at least I'll feel pretty. (Yes, I know how ridiculous that sounds and is.)
Down: Started painting the house and hurt my back again. Two extra weeks of physical therapy just to get it back to where it was halfway feeling better.
Up: Now it's better, and I may potentially only have one session left before I'm done with PT altogether! Can go back to the gym and lose some weight!
Down: Have no money to pay for the gym. Maybe I'll invest in some free weights and work out at home.
Up: Surgery is in six weeks! Time is going by so quickly.
Down: No real down for that, except maybe the cost, but that's okay. I'm ready.
Okay, that pity party's over. I think the ups and downs have felt so huge lately because the birth control and anti-depressant I've stopped taking are really making their way out of my system now. My hormones are doing their own thing again, and my emotions are back to being triggered very easily. With a combination from those, recovery from surgery and the nerves/stress of thinking about and preparing for the next upcoming surgery, I think my body's been through a lot these past couple of months.
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Sciatic Nerve Pain
Every. Single. Day.
It's been almost a month straight now that I've had it pretty much 24/7. It used to come and go, but now it's all the freakin time. It's worse in the morning, and getting ready for work is excruciating! Once I get to work I'm limping for a few hours before the pain killers start to kick in, not that they do much to help anyway. I've actually been waking up way before rise and shine time to take pain killers hoping they'll start to work before I have to get up.
A lot of times the ovary on that side is throbbing too, but not quite as much lately. I really don't know if it's endo related or not. I've been trying some stretches that are supposed to help with that kind of pain and going back to the gym to try to strengthen my back muscles, but I can't tell a difference yet.
I may give it a bit longer then go back to my chiropractor. She's the only one I've really been to, and it's been almost five years since I last saw her. She said I was her most difficult patient. She would demonstrate on my back how far she would press for normal patients, which was maybe half way for what it took her to adjust me. She said I was too flexible.
But adjustments freakin hurt me! As she was doing them, I would get sharp pains and would be sore for days. She'd never had anyone like that. That's why I'm nervous to go back. But maybe I'm really out of alignment and that's what's causing the pain. I'm thinking if I keep doing my stretches and exercising, do go back to see her and there's still no improvement... then maybe it really could be endo related.
But we're not there yet. One step at a time. I just know it seems to be getting worse every day, and I've got to do something about it. Grrr...
It's been almost a month straight now that I've had it pretty much 24/7. It used to come and go, but now it's all the freakin time. It's worse in the morning, and getting ready for work is excruciating! Once I get to work I'm limping for a few hours before the pain killers start to kick in, not that they do much to help anyway. I've actually been waking up way before rise and shine time to take pain killers hoping they'll start to work before I have to get up.
A lot of times the ovary on that side is throbbing too, but not quite as much lately. I really don't know if it's endo related or not. I've been trying some stretches that are supposed to help with that kind of pain and going back to the gym to try to strengthen my back muscles, but I can't tell a difference yet.
I may give it a bit longer then go back to my chiropractor. She's the only one I've really been to, and it's been almost five years since I last saw her. She said I was her most difficult patient. She would demonstrate on my back how far she would press for normal patients, which was maybe half way for what it took her to adjust me. She said I was too flexible.
But adjustments freakin hurt me! As she was doing them, I would get sharp pains and would be sore for days. She'd never had anyone like that. That's why I'm nervous to go back. But maybe I'm really out of alignment and that's what's causing the pain. I'm thinking if I keep doing my stretches and exercising, do go back to see her and there's still no improvement... then maybe it really could be endo related.
But we're not there yet. One step at a time. I just know it seems to be getting worse every day, and I've got to do something about it. Grrr...
Monday, March 24, 2014
I ate some bugs...
I don't handle stress well. Or I should say, my stomach doesn't. Butterflies and dragonflies and big ol' chunky beetles flying around and crashing into things in there. That's a weird visual, huh? That's what it feels like though, and it's all from work. The tension just hangs in the air and taints the winds of change that may soon be blowing through. I don't like it.
The thing is though... it will be really good for me should it all go down as it's looking like it will. I may be getting a huge promotion in the next few months. My boss has seriously pissed off the big boss man, and vice versa. She's looking for a new job, and I've heard through the grapevine that he wants me to take her position. I've been there forever and know the place inside and out. When it comes to the day to day operation, I'm the go to person.
But I'm terrified that I would be a horrible manager. I hate being the one in charge of anything. I'm just not that Type A person who enjoys that stuff. I don't handle ticked off clients well at all. I can't even imagine myself doing the hiring and firing. I take things personally and can't leave the stresses of the day at the office. Even just the thought that she may quit and this might happen sometime in the near future is haunting me when I'm trying to sleep.
It's weird, but I think part of it is because I never wanted that huge amount of responsibility at work. Don't get me wrong, I am not a slacker. I'm a very hard worker and give my all when I'm there... but I do my job and go home each night not worrying about the future of the business. And I like it like that.
I've said it before, and it really is the truth... I never wanted a career. I just wanted to be a stay at home mom and to raise my family. Maybe that's lack of ambition, but what better thing to do with your life than have children? It's all I've ever really wanted. I never planned for something like this. I've been perfectly happy just being assistant manager until my dream could happen and never really wanted more professionally.
This scares the shit out of me. I'm scared I'll do a bad job and get fired, then where the hell will I be? I don't think it would happen like that. I like to think I would rise to the occasion and adapt, but in reality, would I? The manager before the current one didn't do a great job, and when she wanted to come back after she had a couple of kids, she wasn't wanted in any capacity.
I've just gotta chill the eff out. Who knows if any of this will even happen? I think about things way too much, but even when I manage not to for awhile, my stomach remembers. Grrr....
The thing is though... it will be really good for me should it all go down as it's looking like it will. I may be getting a huge promotion in the next few months. My boss has seriously pissed off the big boss man, and vice versa. She's looking for a new job, and I've heard through the grapevine that he wants me to take her position. I've been there forever and know the place inside and out. When it comes to the day to day operation, I'm the go to person.
But I'm terrified that I would be a horrible manager. I hate being the one in charge of anything. I'm just not that Type A person who enjoys that stuff. I don't handle ticked off clients well at all. I can't even imagine myself doing the hiring and firing. I take things personally and can't leave the stresses of the day at the office. Even just the thought that she may quit and this might happen sometime in the near future is haunting me when I'm trying to sleep.
It's weird, but I think part of it is because I never wanted that huge amount of responsibility at work. Don't get me wrong, I am not a slacker. I'm a very hard worker and give my all when I'm there... but I do my job and go home each night not worrying about the future of the business. And I like it like that.
I've said it before, and it really is the truth... I never wanted a career. I just wanted to be a stay at home mom and to raise my family. Maybe that's lack of ambition, but what better thing to do with your life than have children? It's all I've ever really wanted. I never planned for something like this. I've been perfectly happy just being assistant manager until my dream could happen and never really wanted more professionally.
This scares the shit out of me. I'm scared I'll do a bad job and get fired, then where the hell will I be? I don't think it would happen like that. I like to think I would rise to the occasion and adapt, but in reality, would I? The manager before the current one didn't do a great job, and when she wanted to come back after she had a couple of kids, she wasn't wanted in any capacity.
I've just gotta chill the eff out. Who knows if any of this will even happen? I think about things way too much, but even when I manage not to for awhile, my stomach remembers. Grrr....
Monday, March 17, 2014
Day One in Washington
This is the tale of the inevitable embarrassment of a Southern girl all alone in the big city.
We start with parking. The drive there was effortless, but once I actually got within a couple of blocks of my hotel, it got bad. It was later afternoon, and there was a lot of traffic. My hotel had a little area of free parking for guests to unload and check in that I had been planning on taking advantage of, seeing as the parking garage for the hotel was four blocks away. I ended up circling the damn block at least four times, each time taking at least five minutes as I battled horrendous traffic and pedestrians. The freakin thing was fully parked or double parked every time! Couldn't find any decent street parking either, and the last lap around I started cursing and pulled into the parking garage right next to the hotel. Which had a valet. Which I'd never had the pleasure of experiencing before... I'm usually a self-serve parker and proud of it. He asked how long I would be there and asked, "You know this isn't the garage for your hotel, right?" Yes, yes I'm aware of that, but I don't care anymore.
So I hiked up to the street with my heavy ass suitcase and encountered some guy in a suit who was pacing back and forth in front of the entrance to the garage. Seeing my suitcase he asked if I was staying at the hotel next door. Yes, yes I am. "You know this isn't the garage for your hotel, don't you?" Yes, yes I do. "Go get your car and I'll watch it for you" as he pointed to a spot on the road. I looked at him kind of dumbfounded. "Leave your suitcase here and tell him you want your car back," he pretty much ordered me. I said with obvious skepticism in my voice, "So you're gonna watch my suitcase and my car while I check in?" not sure whether to trust him or not. "Yes, yes! Go get your car!" We literally said the same things to each other and talked in that whole circle again before I eventually and reluctantly left my suitcase with him and attempted to do as he instructed. I could see him the whole time, so I felt a tiny bit safer about it, but not much.
"No, it's been three minutes, you'll have to pay," the valet guy said, then continued, "You want me to get it?" No, that's quite alright. Back up the hill I went to the other guy who said, "I told you! I was just trying to save you some money! That's a few gallons of gas!" Yeah, I know buddy. Thanks for watching my bag. So, I went to check into the hotel, and seeing from my reservation that I needed to pay for their garage, the guy inquired as to where I was parked. I sighed and told him, to which he responded, "You know that parking garage isn't ours, right?" Yes, yes I do. I finally got my room key and carried my bag up to the eighth floor, tossed it on the bed and headed back down to move my car to the actual hotel parking garage.
Finally got that ordeal over with and walked around downtown DC for a while. I noticed I looked a little out of place. It was 60 degrees when I left NC, so I was in my flip flops and jeans with an informal top and jacket. I thought it felt about the same there, but everyone else was all bundled up. They were also in very professional attire with fancy suits and boots. I got some weird looks.
When I was over the city, I mapped out the restaurant I wanted to try and headed towards it. I was determined to get sushi! Until I didn't. They were closed. I was hungry and didn't feel like waiting. So I walked back to the hotel which had three restaurants and had my first experience dining alone. It was strange. I was surrounded by what looked like more professionals who had just gotten out of work and were gathered for happy hour. Eh, whatever.
I ate kind of quickly and noticed my waiter outside on a smoke break. No biggie. When I actually finished, he appeared out of nowhere from behind me and took my plate. I assumed he'd be right back with the check, but no. He chatted it up with another waitress for a good few minutes, looking over at me several times. I thought I'd caught his eye a few times, but he made no acknowledgement of it. I stared him down, and he finally came over. "You want another drink?" No, no thanks. I was finally able to pay and headed into the hotel.
I walked into the lobby and down the hall to the elevator, passing a school group of high school boys along the way. As I passed the last two, I noticed one of them following me with his eyes. I was all, yeah I still got it, walking a little taller and feeling a little bit better about myself. Then his friend said, "Dude, she's like 40."
Awesome.
And so I sulked back to my room and actually got a chance to look at it. I pulled back the curtains to a magnificent view...
Yeah.... Not quite what I was expecting. The hotel is 100 years old and had some other interesting quirks. This was the vent for the air...
Had never seen that before. The heat source in the bedroom was an old radiator. In the bathroom it was just a massive pipe that ran floor to ceiling and actually put out an impressive amount of heat.
I opened the bottle of wine I brought and finished out my night with a couple of very satisfying glasses. In a plastic hotel cup. Classy. Possibly under the influence of the wine, I did something I never do and took a mirror selfie...
I sent it to the boyfriend saying Cheers!
And so ended one of the most awkward days ever.
We start with parking. The drive there was effortless, but once I actually got within a couple of blocks of my hotel, it got bad. It was later afternoon, and there was a lot of traffic. My hotel had a little area of free parking for guests to unload and check in that I had been planning on taking advantage of, seeing as the parking garage for the hotel was four blocks away. I ended up circling the damn block at least four times, each time taking at least five minutes as I battled horrendous traffic and pedestrians. The freakin thing was fully parked or double parked every time! Couldn't find any decent street parking either, and the last lap around I started cursing and pulled into the parking garage right next to the hotel. Which had a valet. Which I'd never had the pleasure of experiencing before... I'm usually a self-serve parker and proud of it. He asked how long I would be there and asked, "You know this isn't the garage for your hotel, right?" Yes, yes I'm aware of that, but I don't care anymore.
So I hiked up to the street with my heavy ass suitcase and encountered some guy in a suit who was pacing back and forth in front of the entrance to the garage. Seeing my suitcase he asked if I was staying at the hotel next door. Yes, yes I am. "You know this isn't the garage for your hotel, don't you?" Yes, yes I do. "Go get your car and I'll watch it for you" as he pointed to a spot on the road. I looked at him kind of dumbfounded. "Leave your suitcase here and tell him you want your car back," he pretty much ordered me. I said with obvious skepticism in my voice, "So you're gonna watch my suitcase and my car while I check in?" not sure whether to trust him or not. "Yes, yes! Go get your car!" We literally said the same things to each other and talked in that whole circle again before I eventually and reluctantly left my suitcase with him and attempted to do as he instructed. I could see him the whole time, so I felt a tiny bit safer about it, but not much.
"No, it's been three minutes, you'll have to pay," the valet guy said, then continued, "You want me to get it?" No, that's quite alright. Back up the hill I went to the other guy who said, "I told you! I was just trying to save you some money! That's a few gallons of gas!" Yeah, I know buddy. Thanks for watching my bag. So, I went to check into the hotel, and seeing from my reservation that I needed to pay for their garage, the guy inquired as to where I was parked. I sighed and told him, to which he responded, "You know that parking garage isn't ours, right?" Yes, yes I do. I finally got my room key and carried my bag up to the eighth floor, tossed it on the bed and headed back down to move my car to the actual hotel parking garage.
Finally got that ordeal over with and walked around downtown DC for a while. I noticed I looked a little out of place. It was 60 degrees when I left NC, so I was in my flip flops and jeans with an informal top and jacket. I thought it felt about the same there, but everyone else was all bundled up. They were also in very professional attire with fancy suits and boots. I got some weird looks.
When I was over the city, I mapped out the restaurant I wanted to try and headed towards it. I was determined to get sushi! Until I didn't. They were closed. I was hungry and didn't feel like waiting. So I walked back to the hotel which had three restaurants and had my first experience dining alone. It was strange. I was surrounded by what looked like more professionals who had just gotten out of work and were gathered for happy hour. Eh, whatever.
I ate kind of quickly and noticed my waiter outside on a smoke break. No biggie. When I actually finished, he appeared out of nowhere from behind me and took my plate. I assumed he'd be right back with the check, but no. He chatted it up with another waitress for a good few minutes, looking over at me several times. I thought I'd caught his eye a few times, but he made no acknowledgement of it. I stared him down, and he finally came over. "You want another drink?" No, no thanks. I was finally able to pay and headed into the hotel.
I walked into the lobby and down the hall to the elevator, passing a school group of high school boys along the way. As I passed the last two, I noticed one of them following me with his eyes. I was all, yeah I still got it, walking a little taller and feeling a little bit better about myself. Then his friend said, "Dude, she's like 40."
Awesome.
And so I sulked back to my room and actually got a chance to look at it. I pulled back the curtains to a magnificent view...
Yeah.... Not quite what I was expecting. The hotel is 100 years old and had some other interesting quirks. This was the vent for the air...
Had never seen that before. The heat source in the bedroom was an old radiator. In the bathroom it was just a massive pipe that ran floor to ceiling and actually put out an impressive amount of heat.
I opened the bottle of wine I brought and finished out my night with a couple of very satisfying glasses. In a plastic hotel cup. Classy. Possibly under the influence of the wine, I did something I never do and took a mirror selfie...
 |
| This is still a mostly anonymous blog, so please don't mind the blackout, haha ;) |
I sent it to the boyfriend saying Cheers!
And so ended one of the most awkward days ever.
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