Saturday, December 28, 2013

Just Some Bitching...

I need to vent now, and since my best friend no longer lives with me, I have no one to vent to.  It's about her anyway, so I guess that's a good thing.  I wanted to post some smart ass comment on FB, but she would know it was about her and would only make her feel bad, which would make me feel bad, and I hate that feeling.  I almost sent her a text, but I couldn't do that either.  I hate knowing I purposely hurt someone's feelings knowing it wouldn't make me feel any better anyway.  So I come here.

I don't know if I mentioned this here before, but a few months back she lied to me.  She asked if a friend of hers who was bicycling down the east coast could crash with us for a couple of nights.  Sure!  No problem.  So I met him that second day, he was a nice guy and all.  Then after he left she informed me that she'd never met him before.  She'd signed up for a couch surfing website and he found her through it.  She didn't think I'd say yes to him staying if she told me that, so she made the decision to purposely lie to me.  The situation turned out well and was in the past, so I said I was okay with it.  But I wasn't.  It ate away at me, and I confronted her about it a couple of months later after she purposely didn't tell me about something else.  She said she was sorry, but it still hurt.  She was trying to help someone out, which is nice, but she lied to me so that she could get her way.  

Anyways, someone wrote an article about him, and he mentioned how he stayed here.  How he met this man and woman and asked why they weren't a couple.  He later learned that they got married, and the man posted on his FB thanking him for the nudge.  So if she hadn't lied to me, he wouldn't have stayed here, given them the nudge, and now they wouldn't be married.  That's how the article read to me.  Not really, but it brought back all those hurt feelings, and now I'm mad.

I'm also mad because my parents stopped by today with all the paperwork for this brand spankin new computer I have.  It's basically all invoices showing exactly how much they paid for it and all the accessories and software they gave me.  It was waaaaayyyyy too expensive and makes me feel guilty for them spending so much.  Why the eff would they spend all that then give me the breakdown??  That money could have gone towards way more important things.  Plus I already had a computer that works fine!  It's old, slow, loud and the disc drive doesn't work anymore, but it was fine for what I used it for.  AAAAHHHH!  Plus the boyfriend was building me one for Christmas, which they didn't know, and I couldn't tell them after they gave it to me.

I want to talk to someone, but I don't know who.  I would talk to my roommate, but she's gone and it's about her.  I would talk to the boyfriend, but he's at work and it seems trivial when I actually think about it.  I would call my parents and fuss, but it would just make them feel bad.  Why can't I just get things off my chest to the people who are frustrating me and not worry about how it makes them feel??  That's stupid, but I wish I could sometimes.  I try to be a better person than that.  So I come here.

I want to yell and scream and cry, but it won't do anything but make me feel stupid.  I would go to the gym to try to work it out but can't because of my freakin back.  AAAH!  So I come here.

Oh, first world problems.  How stupid and trivial they really are.

End of the Year Post

Hello there!  Hope you all had joyful holidays.  Mine was pretty decent!  I made out like a bandit at Christmas and feel very spoiled... I'm typing from my new computer right now.  The boyfriend didn't propose, but he did ask my ring size the other night... eek!  I showed him a picture of what I want a couple of months ago, but he'd been drinking some, so I worked another picture into the series of texts kind of jokingly.  He ended them by saying that when the day comes he'll try his best.  You can't ask a girl her ring size then say "Well, when the day comes"!!  The romantic in me is hoping he's just trying to throw me off and will actually propose on New Year's Eve.  We'll see!

The roommate left yesterday.  Her husband surprised her Christmas night by calling her from the local airport.  He hadn't been due in until the 26th, but wanted to be a late evening gift.  They packed up a trailer full of her stuff Thursday night, which is when we said our goodbyes before bed.  Then she had to freakin show up at my work yesterday, coffee in hand like she's done so many times before.  I was so hoping she wouldn't do that, because of course I cried and once I start I can't stop, and everything made me cry the rest of the day.  Damn her.

I ended up having to leave early yesterday anyway because of my back.  I've had this nerve pain for a few months now that was horrible yesterday.  Not sure if it's the sciatic nerve or what, but it's most painful in my lower back and shoots down my leg.  It's normally a little painful almost every day, but it was the worst it's ever been yesterday.  I could barely walk or move.  The drive home was fun.

So, I have the house to myself now.  It's very quiet.  The pooch has actually been at the boyfriend's house since Wednesday.  I figured it would make all the packing and loading of the trailer easier for the roommate if he wasn't there barking his head off the whole time.  Then I didn't pick him up as scheduled last night because I hurt too much to drive.  It's lonely without my puppy, but the cat has enjoyed it.  I usually stay at the boyfriend's house every Saturday night, but he'll be staying here for the first time tonight!!  I can't wait.  (Finally get to have sex in my new house!!  hehe)  He'll bring my pup back and bring his too, so it'll be a full house once again for a little bit.  I can't wait for him to move in, but I will thoroughly enjoy having the place all to myself for a bit! :)

Friday, December 20, 2013

I'm a Grump

I've been in a bad mood most of this week.  Work has sucked.  One of our main girls has been out a couple of weeks now... she's in rehab somewhere for pills and will be at least until the end of the month.  Who knows if she'll even come back when she gets out?  I really hope she gets better, but this couldn't have come at a worse time of year.  This is our busiest time, and now we've only got three teenagers doing things in the back now.  Drama, drama.  My boss has been out sick, so I've been working long hours with no lunch breaks because there's no one else to cover.  Grouchy clients to boot.  Grrr...  So happy I'm off tomorrow.

On my day off earlier this week I was just in a bad mood from the get go.  Had what was supposed to be lunch with the boyfriend at 4:30 at a restaurant we both love that just opened up a month or so ago.  One of the worst services I've had anywhere, and the food really wasn't that great.  Maybe we'll give it another month or two.

No matter what I say to just about anyone lately... I'm wrong.  When I do something for someone... I did it wrong.   Even when I'm right, I know I'm right and I have proof to back me up... I'm still wrong.  I've just stopped talking to people because I'm tired of being wrong.

I had three packages magically disappear from my doorstep Wednesday.  I don't know if they were actually stolen or possibly delivered to the wrong house, but they're gone.  Three different Christmas presents.  Two are being replaced by the wonderful sellers they came from, but one I'm still not sure about.  I've never had a problem with packages being stolen before and I really hope that wasn't the case.  I feel pretty safe in this neighborhood... the drug dealer and his clients have never caused me any problems, and the questionable looking people who walk down the street off of my little nook have never really ventured into the nook.  Yes, all those people are here in my neighborhood, but I've never had cause to not feel safe.  Hopefully that's still the case.

Some good things...
- The roommate did get married and actually moves across the country to be with her husband a week from today.
- I'll have the house to myself.  No more fruit flies from her leaving food all over the place.
- I'm pretty excited for Christmas.  I actually made a few of the gifts and I'm most excited about them.
- I keep hoping the boyfriend will officially propose on Christmas... he probably won't, but a girl can dream, haha.
- In March I'll be attending the Million Woman March for Endometriosis in Washington, DC.  It's a worldwide event to raise awareness happening at the same time in dozens of country capitals.  I think it's going to be an amazing experience, and I absolutely cannot wait for it.

If I don't make it back here before Christmas, I hope it, or whatever you celebrate, is wonderful!

Saturday, November 30, 2013

More Bullet Points

I don't know why I don't write as much anymore.  Every time I sit down to do it I draw a blank.  I get to thinking that when I'm happy there's not a whole lot of interesting thing to write about.  So, here's a list in no particular order...

- The roommate became officially engaged yesterday.  Her fiance flew over late Thanksgiving day and will be with us for a week.  He proposed yesterday morning, and she's crazy happy.  They have this long plan, but the basics of it all is that they're getting married on paper at the courthouse next week, which I will be the witness of.  Then they'll have an actual wedding sometime next year, which she asked me to be maid of honor at.  Eeeeek!

- Thanksgiving was good.  My mother had to go into work in the afternoon, so we had a lunch.  The boyfriend had to work all day, so I took him a big plate of leftovers.  I headed to my "sisters'" parents' house for desserts and hanging out in the evening.  It was a good day.

- For once, it felt awesome to be surrounded by kids at Thanksgiving.  My sisters' three kids are three weeks, 10 months, and two years old... and I got to play with them all.  Usually I shy away, but these kids are definitely family.  When someone asked if anyone wanted to hold the smallest for a bit, I jumped right up and savored the opportunity.  I see her every week, but I love holding that little one.  Being around them makes me feel more confident about how I'll be as a mother one day.

- I am now known for my caramel pecan pie.  I made a couple for a staff potluck a couple of weeks ago and had a coworker ask if I'd make her one for Thanksgiving, which I did.  She asked me for more at Christmas, as did another coworker.  Making a few bucks in the process, not too shabby.  I took one to my parents' house.  I took one to the dinner at the sisters', and it had been highly anticipated.  One particular "in-law" loved it so much last year and had been looking forward to it this year.  I may start taking one every time I visit them, haha.

- The boyfriend and I are still doing amazingly!  His work schedule is about to change, so we'll get two whole days to spend with each other during the week now instead of one.  I can't wait!  He's about to get a decent raise soon too, which I know will help him.  He works so hard, and I'm so proud of him.

- He's going to help me put up my new Christmas tree next week, which is beautiful!  It's all rustic-looking with pine cones and berries.  It's going to look fabulous!

- I wrote a card to Holiday Mail for Heroes today.  Per the Red Cross:  "Once a year, we get the joy of delivering holiday greetings to veterans, military families and active-duty service members at hospitals and installations around the world."  It felt pretty awesome to send a little note of greetings and thanks to them.

- I had four homemade scarves to donate this winter.  I've been knitting for the sake of knitting on and off since July or August, and it feels good to give what I've made to a good cause.  I had an opportunity to sell my scarves in a local store a couple of months ago, but I had to turn it down.  Making and donating them to someone who really needs them makes me happy.  I don't have much to give, but it's a little something I can do.

- It snowed a couple of weeks ago!!  It was just flurries, but it was beautiful!  Falling from the sky that night were the quintessential six-pointed, perfectly shaped snowflakes.  I stared at them in wonder as they landed individually on my coat.  I've either never seen or just hadn't noticed any before.  Usually when I see snow, it's coming down in clumps, so maybe I just hadn't had the chance before.  Either way, it was beautiful and strange for November in this part of NC.  I loved it!

- We had a flood a couple of weeks ago too... at work.  I walked in one day to find the entire front of the building (the store, groom room, office, hallway, bathrooms, mini-kitchen, drying areas) under at least two inches of water.  A pipe had burst in a wall overnight, and who knows how long it had been pouring out.  We spent about two hours squeegeeing it all either out the front door or into a drain in the hallway bathroom.  It was rough.

All in all, life is still good.  This stretch from Halloween to New Years is my favorite time of year, and I am thoroughly enjoying it!

Saturday, November 9, 2013

All Around Good

What a crazy week it's been!  First of all, I have a new niece!  I got a call around 2am Thursday morning saying it was time for my sister's baby to be born!  I got up and rushed over to their house.  Things seemed like they were in full swing, but just like with her first birth, they slowed and kinda stopped for awhile.  The little girl didn't actually emerge until 2:30 that afternoon.  The proud mama was exhausted and actually gave us a scare after the birth.  She lost a lot of blood and almost passed out.  She was hooked up to an IV for quite awhile and confined to the bed for a couple of days. She gets rechecked today and can hopefully get off bed restriction.

All her actual sisters couldn't make it, so I'm glad I could be there for her.  I got to hold the new little one for quite awhile as they worked on mama.  She is precious!  I watched her look up at her mom while she was holding her and just melted.  The connection there was absolutely unbelievable.  I want that so much.

In other crazy news, my roommate is practically engaged.  The guy that visited her about a month ago has turned into her one, and they've decided they want to have a life together.  He's buying a ring this weekend.  She got an awesome deal on a wedding dress a few days ago.  Oh, and she's moving to California next month!  He's out there for the next couple of years until he retires from the Marines, and she's going to join him.  They want to move back here after that, but we'll see.  I'm going to miss her terribly!!

I will be getting my house all to myself though!  She had originally committed to staying with me a year.  She thought about staying the full time until her fairly well off fella offered to pay her half of the rent until the summer, which.... when my fella will hopefully move in!  We've pretty much decided we want to spend our lives together too.  I'm so excited and am so in love again.  I really wondered if I'd ever get to feel like this again.  I feel very lucky.  We were talking about everything again last week, and he said "I guess I'm going to have to propose soon, huh?" with a smile. 

Aaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!  I'm pretty stoked :)

We had a hard time for a long time, and I really think we needed it.  We saw all sides of each other and learned a lot about what we want.  We came out on the other side stronger and more appreciative.  We communicate more efficiently and compromise better.

He loves me for me, as I do him.  I love how I can be completely myself around him.  He's not going to be scared away.  And as silly as we act together, this really feels like a grown up, adult relationship.  About time, seeing as I'm 30 and he's 36, haha!

I'm actually pretty happy with my life right now!  :D

Friday, November 1, 2013


My week of vacation is approaching its end.  The first part was absolutely amazing.  Friday I drove to Raleigh and stayed the night with a "sister".  We stayed in and up late just talking.  It was so nice.  Saturday morning we went out to breakfast, then I made my way to Charlotte.  Another sis and I went out to dinner then to see Matt Nathanson in concert.  I'd been trying to see that man for years and had the best time!  Even got a few decent pics...

Sunday we slept in and went out for breakfast with her baby, hubs and some in-laws.  I played with the baby all afternoon and then we had a fabulous dinner.  Monday morning they went to work, and I slept in a little.  I was headed back to Raleigh to stay with that sister again, but she didn't get home from work until sixish, so I had some time to kill in Charlotte.  Of course I went to IKEA!  Spent quite a few hours walking around and managed to get out of there with some good stuff and only thirty dollars lighter.

The drive back to Raleigh was spent singing very loudly and badly to Nathanson albums (I'm only a little obsessed with his music, that's all) and went by quickly.  That night we went downtown to a great sushi place and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves.  The next morning I woke up feeling like crap... I picked up the cold that the baby had.  The drive home was not fun.  I got back and crashed, then went to the boyfriend's house for the night.  Woke up to this...


Got another cute pic later that morning...

Yes, I am quite obsessed with my dogs! :)

The rest of the week has been spent mostly resting and trying to get over this damned cold!  Bleh!

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Sad Day

A former coworker died this morning.  He'd been sick for years and hadn't worked the past few months.  He was one of our vets and so loved all the animals.  He did so much for all of them.  I had worked with him for many years, and we talked in passing, but I didn't really know much about him.  He didn't open up to a whole lot of people.  He'd had a rough life and didn't deserve to be so sick for such a long time.  He will be missed.  :'(

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Space Filler

Today's been good!  Got to sleep in and relax this morning.  The roommate had a fella visiting from across the country the past few days.  He and I visited her at work today (she's a server and at very nice restaurant, and he treated me to lunch!) and then I took him to the airport so he could reluctantly fly home.  He's quite smitten with my roommate.  After that I was supposed to go shopping with a friend to help her pick out jewelry that compliments her gorgeous dress for the Marine Corps ball, but she was sick, so I went back home and took a nap.  What a bum I am.

Now I'm about to drag out my luggage for my trip Friday.  Visiting a "sister" and her hubs in Raleigh that night, then to Charlotte for a concert and visiting another "sister" and her hubs and baby over the weekend.  Back to Raleigh for Monday night, then home Tuesday for relaxing the rest of my week of vacation!

My local "sister" is due to have her baby any time now, and I'm hoping the little one will wait until I'm back home.  You know, because that fits my schedule better.  I told her if she goes into labor Saturday, I will probably have been drinking and will have to wait a few hours before I can head back.  I'd really hate to miss that concert (I've been wanting to see this guy for years!), but I would for her.  If the baby waits until after I go back to work, that could be tricky too.  I'll be on call for jury duty about an hour away for two weeks starting the week after vaca.  Fun.  So yeah, I hope the baby makes her appearance sometime from next Tuesday to Sunday.  But no pressure.

The boy and I are still perfect.  We hung out this weekend and had a great time.  He's puppy sitting while I'm away, and I'm taking my pooch over to his place tomorrow evening.  I get so excited to see him.  We text and talk every day, and every time something funny or interesting happens I want to tell him right away.  I'm pretty smitten with him.

That's all for now.  Hoping this weekend will give me more to write about.

Monday, October 14, 2013

It's Back On!

So, big news.  Y'all are gonna think I'm crazy, but I'm really happy about it... the ex-boyfriend and I are back together!  We've been hanging out every weekend since we split up and actually getting to know each other better than when we lived together.  We've talked so much more and have been more affectionate.

He actually was the one to start the conversation this weekend.  We talked for about two hours about absolutely everything between us, every issue we've had since the beginning of the relationship.  We talked about what we both want out of the future and how we can accomplish it all together.

He said how all this time being not officially together has made him realize how much he really appreciates me.  He acknowledged and took total blame for being unaffectionate before and likes how we are now.  He's turning into the man I've been wanting.

We both said that we love each other and don't want to be without each other. We click so well and just get each other so much better.  We know each others personalities, and he can read me like no one else now.  And that feeling of absolute love that I'd only felt with the ex-husband and had been so hoping for again... it's there now.  Ever since we talked, I feel so much closer to him and I have no doubts about being with him.

He just might turn out to be the one after all.  

Saturday, October 5, 2013

Party and Tattoo Night

Last night was pretty fabulous and much needed.  It started with a gathering of coworkers at our favorite Mexican restaurant for "staff meetings".  We ate and chatted.  Most of us have tattoos, and the most uptight one among us expressed an interest in getting her first one.  And so a plan immediately developed that several of us would head over to a tattoo shop after dinner and help her pick one out.  She insisted she wouldn't get one right then, but the rest of us wanted to and hoped she would join in.

After telling the waiter at the restaurant we were also celebrating our manager's birthday, he brought her out a shot of tequila, and she was ready to go!  Just this past year she's gotten her first two tattoos and was the biggest instigator of last night's plan.  After many pictures, hugs and goodbyes five of us headed to the tattoo shop.

Big boss lady stayed with the tattoo virgin to make sure she didn't run away while I found out if they could work on us that night.  We hung out exploring options while waiting for our turn.  Three of us already knew what we wanted, but one girl didn't have her ID so couldn't get done.  The virgin found one she really liked but couldn't decide on placement (that's the story anyway).  So she stuck to her guns and hauled ass out of there.  The boss knew what she wanted, but it needed to be reworked some and couldn't be done last night.

So two of us got tattoos.  She and I have worked together for many years and are pretty close.  We'd been talking about getting one together for a long time.  She went first and took it like a champ.  The tattoo artist was wonderful and we all shared a smoke break before he started on me.  He drew on what I told him I wanted, and after a few adjustments, he got started.  I got an addition to my back, this being the fourth session on it.

Each piece is in the same style, but a little different.  I love how each one holds certain memories and reminds me of different parts of my life.  The first I got when I bought my first house.  The second I got with the ex-husband.  The third I got with my awesome roommate.  And this one I got with wonderful friends who just happen to be coworkers.

I can't wait for my next addition.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

The Third Wheel

That's what I have been my entire life.  I'm always the friend of the girl who's got the admirer/boyfriend that doesn't want me hanging around so he can make his moves.

When I was in high school, my best friend and I were kind of inseparable.  I learned several months after she and her boyfriend broke up that he blamed me for the split.  I'd had no idea and hated it.  I was single up until I met the ex-husband when I was 24.  Before that I had always been the tag along, the one who got the pity invite.

A couple of years ago the roommate and I were supposed to be having dinner together, then she informed me that she had invited her boyfriend.  She asked if I was cool with it after the fact, and what was I supposed to say?  No, not at all?  Technically he was the third party, but it didn't work out that way.  I sat in the back seat and watched them hold hands while he tried to guess the private location of her newest tattoo.  Throughout dinner I watched them.  It sucked.  The past couple of years I've had to endure it from time to time, and eventually I just decided to not put myself in those kind of situations anymore.

Last night the roommate had a friend over, and we all hung out talking.  It was nice feeling equal.  She came home tonight and said he was coming back over in a bit to watch a movie we'd talked about yesterday.  One I really want to see.  I asked if it was cool if I watched it with them, or if they wanted to be alone.  I asked just to be on the safe side.  She then told me that he actually came back over last night at midnight, they just slept (yeah, sure) in the same bed together, and he left at 6am.  Awesome.

I said I would not be watching the movie with them because it would be awkward.  She insisted that it wouldn't be and that she wanted me to watch it with them, but I refused.  She may pretend not to know it, but if he stayed in her bed last night, he definitely doesn't want me watching the movie with them.

So he arrived a few minutes ago, and I've purposely stayed here writing this.  I hate being a third wheel in my own house.

Oh, yeah... She also told me tonight that her alcoholic ex-boyfriend crashed his car today and called her to rescue him.  And because he lives twenty minutes from his job and we live about five, she invited him to crash with us and that she wasn't going to let him drink in the house.  So he'll be detoxing while crashing on my couch.  Actually it'll probably be in her bed, but whatever.  More awesome.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Boy and Pet Schtuff

It's a beautiful day.  It's cool outside with a nice breeze, and this has been the first non hot and sticky day I've actually been home to enjoy having the windows open since moving in.  I'm drinking a cup of coffee and listening to the birds sing.  Life is good.

The ex-bf and I had a talk about what we are to each other, what we're doing, and our future.  Basically, there is no long-term future.  He does not like this place and desperately wants to move.  I do not.  So that's that.  We're hanging out having a good time and enjoying each others' company for now.  I told him I do know the direction I want my life to be heading and I need to get on that soon.  He understood.  I told him I don't want to hurt him, and he assured me I wouldn't be.

Of course, I'm both happy and sad about this.  I'm very happy that we've finally talked about it and are on the same page.  I'm sad because we get along so well, and I really wanted him to be the one.  I do love him, and as cliche as it sounds, I do hope we can remain friends after we both move on.  We'll see.

He's going on vacation tomorrow, and I'll be keeping his dog... the one we got together.  I miss him and hated giving up another dog, but once again, they're good for each other.  My puppy is doing well and will be three years old this weekend!

My boss used to be a professional photographer, and last week she did portraits of all the staff and their pets.  We did head shots during the day, then went to the river after work.  I "puppynapped" the ex's dog and took him to the river too and will put a collage together as a Christmas gift, after a little editing out of the leash.  It was fun, and here are some good ones...

He was so good at posing, we had to dress him up!

No words... haha!

The flash scared him every time, so not too many good close ups.

Yep, that's me, haha.

For his first time at the river and on a dock, he did really well!

Happy, smiling pooch.

I love all my animals!!

Wednesday, August 28, 2013


Wow, it's been a crazy long time since I've written.  There's been plenty to write about, but I either didn't know how to put it all into words or just didn't feel like it.  Work is going well.  The manager has been out a good amount lately, which has been a little stressful for me, but we're getting through it.  One girl I've worked with for a really long time has been addicted to pills and almost got fired, but I think she's finally decided she wants to quit and has seemed better this past week.  I'm planning a vacation at the end of October to visit some friends and see Matt Nathanson in concert, finally!!  Excited for that and ready for a break.

I've still been hanging out once a week with the ex-bf, although we certainly don't act like we're broken up.  He even expressed the slightest bit of jealousy a couple of weeks ago at the thought of me with another guy.  He calls me beautiful all the time which he never really used to do, and I hear so much more emotion in his voice when he tells me he loves me now.  I just don't know what to think.

The new house is still awesome and definitely feels like home now.  I've been doing a lot of lawn care lately, and it feels awesome and empowering when I mow, weed eat and blow off the patio and sidewalk start to finish.  It looks really good, and I'm the only woman in my little neighborhood nook that really does it.  I even drug out the ladder yesterday to do a little maintenance outside, and the whole "I am kayak, hear me roar" thing totally applied.  It feels good.

My sister's baby shower was this weekend, and it went fairly well.  They're always awkward and never go by without some heart pangs, but it was nice.  There were kids absolutely everywhere, so I hung out away from them.  I think the worst part was actually buying the card for it the day before.  I was standing in the card aisle and reading through all the different options when it hit me.  I fought back the tears right there in the middle of the store, but a few managed to come out.

Anyways, after most of the people had left from the shower and it was just family and a couple of close friends, we had a blessing circle for the baby and that was beautiful, as always.  A little while after that more people arrived for a birthday/going away dinner for another sister, and that was fun.  Her long-time boyfriend is a Marine and will be moving a few states away for at least the next year, and she's decided to go with him.  It's only a matter of time before news of an engagement, I believe.  They're adorable together, and I'm happy for them.

The next morning all of us "sisters" and their significant others gathered at a wonderful restaurant downtown for breakfast.  Only later when looking through pictures did I realize that I was the only single, non paired up person there, and surprisingly it didn't even bother me.  Those people are my family, and I love when we're all in one town spending time together.  Even their fellas... I've known them all so long now that they feel like family too.  I'm very lucky to have such wonderful, supportive people in my life.

On the schedule today is getting my car registration renewed.  I hope it's not a process though because I also have to get the bank off the title now that I fully own it and also change it out of my married name, which I guess I never did.  After that I may hit the gym.  Oh my... exciting news... I've been loosing weight, and I feel like I'm starting to look like my old self!  I've lost about 13 pounds in the past few months, which is amazing for me, and I want to lose about 20 more and tone up.  I'm on the way!! :)

I guess that's about it for now.  Thanks for checking in.  Have a great day!

Wednesday, July 31, 2013


They're coming back... those butterflies you get in a new relationship.  But it's not new, of course, it's with the ex-bf.  We hung out Sunday night and had an a-m-a-z-i-n-g time.  We mesh really well again.  We had our first sleepover last night.  I took the dog and went to his place.  It was nice sleeping next to him.  We're finally taking our day trip this Sunday, and I'm excited to see how it goes

Part of me wonders if I'm still just holding on to him because it's comfortable.  The other part keeps saying that the butterflies and thinking about him all the time now really mean something.  I wonder if he'll want to talk about what we're doing anytime soon, or if he's cool just letting it ride for awhile.  Neither of us has even tried to approach the subject at all.  I'm okay with that right now.

In other news, I had a fabulous weekend with my "sisters".  Two of the out-of-towners were here, one with husband and baby in tow.  We all went to the beach and watched a surfing competition for a bit...

We went out to eat a few times and hung out at their parents' house playing games and talking.  It was a wonderful time, and I miss them dearly.  An adorable picture of me and my nephew got me thinking how I look like I could be a mother.  Seeing that picture made me want it even more.  But what else is new?

I did have a hard time at one place we went though.  It's a cute little shop at the beach that we always went to when we were in high school.  We went back there Sunday, and it hadn't changed it bit.  The girl behind the counter was talking to one sis's baby and commenting on the preggo-ness of the other sister.  She then said that she's pregnant too.  It was all "Oh, congratulations!  That's so exciting!", "Congrats to you too!", "When are you due?", etc.  I had to leave the store.  And of course the sisters were all oblivious to how it affected me, but that's okay.  They've got their happy, children-filled lives and should enjoy it.  I sucked it up and kept my mouth shut.  The husband of one came out and sat with me, but didn't say anything.  Maybe he got it.  Maybe he was just tired of being in the store though.

Anyways, I'm off today but feeling under the weather.  Gonna be lazy with soup, Mad Men, knitting and cuddling with my puppy.  Happy trails.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013


I almost brought home this little one today.

She's an approximately twelve-week-old husky or malamute who was found on the side of a road.  I fell in love with her the minute I saw her sweet face.  She's got one brown eye and one blue, just like my current pup!  She was hungry, tired and covered in fleas and ticks.  She was mellow and just lied there while I went over her getting all the bad bugs off.  After her bath she almost fell asleep wrapped up in a towel in my arms.

I was so close to bringing her home for a trial run tonight but ultimately decided I shouldn't.  It was a hard decision (just look at that face!), but I feel it was the right one.  It would be one thing to take in either of the exs' dogs whose personalities I already know, but a puppy is a totally different story.  I'm not ready to train another pup.  I like how my current dog is totally housebroken and not at all destructive.  I'm definitely not ready to train another pup.  She'll find a good home with someone who can give her all the time she needs.

In other news, here are some updates:  I am not pregnant.  The roommate's sister and baby are not moving in.  She and I are back to our old awesome roommate ways now.  The ex-bf and I never took that day trip, but maybe this weekend or next.  I broke my lawnmower and almost chopped off my thumb, but not to worry... there's a new heavy duty swirly whirligig in town, and all my digits are in tact!

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Hi There

Things have been good so far this week.  Other than a sprained ankle, I've been okay.  Thought I might be pregnant, but I think it's just side effects from the meds.  I'll find out next week.  I've actually been starting to fall for the ex-bf again.  We're still hanging out once a week, and things are amazing between us.  So far we've just been hanging out at his house mostly, but we're taking a day trip Sunday.  We'll see how that goes.  Maybe we could be right for each other.  Maybe over this next year we'll keep dating and see how it goes.  I don't know if that's smart or not, but I'm just kinda playing it all by ear.  It's not like anyone else is beating my door down.  Although I'm really not putting myself out there at all.  I could reach out to the professor and see if he's still interested, but it makes me nervous.  He knows I'm single now and hasn't contacted me.  Haven't really heard from him since February.  I don't know.  I'm not ready for more dating rejection yet.  Not sure if I'm ready for someone new anyway.

Had a Skype date with my sister and nephew this morning and am so excited that they're coming into town next weekend.  I miss them.  Had dinner and good conversation with my other sister and niece last night.  We all played, then the little one went to bed and we watched True Blood.  So much better this season.  Been watching Dexter with the ex-bf every Sunday night, and it'll be interesting to see how they end it.  I'm obsessed with How I Met Your Mother lately.  Since I'm back to no TV or cable, I've been Netflix-ing the entire series and watching it for the first time.  Love it!

So yep, that's my boring mini update.  Nothing much going on.  Just working and going day by day.  Exciting stuff.

And so, on this lazy day of doing nothing but resting my ankle, I leave you with a pic of my napping creatures just because they're adorable.

Friday, July 12, 2013

Step Back!

It seems like it's still one thing after another with no break.  People keep interfering and making me feel like crap.  They have good intentions and are just trying to help but they're not.  

One young guy at work is asking about my dating life and telling me I should get out more.  But don't do to a bar because he only goes there for one thing.  I should go to The YMCA... a lot of people meet there.  What?!  Shut the fuck up, guy!  Didn't I just tell you I don't really want to date yet?  You're a twenty something player and you really think I'm going to listen to your advice?

My roommate invites me out to hang with her friends an hour away and kinda makes me feel bad when I say no.  I gotta work tomorrow and don't feel like driving two hours round trip to hang out with a bunch of people I don't know.  Unlike you, I can't make friends with everyone I meet, and watching you have a good time while I nurse a beer and attempt to not look like I feel awkward does not sound like a good time to me.  It's not your responsibility to get me out of my shell.  I'm going through a rough spot and will venture out when I feel up for it.

Recently I asked my sister to take down a pic of me she had just posted on FB because it was not flattering at all.  Last night she emails me a story of a lady who calls herself fat in front of her daughter and allows her husband to comment negatively on her weight, which leads to the daughter having a bad self image.  She attached a note about how important positive body image is "for ourselves and our children".  First off, I would not ever say anything like that in front of a daughter and I would never allow a man to talk to me like that, much less in front of my children.  Secondly, who really wants an unflattering picture of themselves on FB for all to see?  So back off!  I'm not happy with my weight and am self-conscious, but I'm working on it.  I'm sorry I'm not as confident as you and don't want to strut down the beach in a bikini with my belly flopping all about like you do.

This next one isn't personal but it aggravates me.  My boss is considering hiring a pregnant lady.  She just got married and they just found out about the pregnancy.  She's qualified, but it's a very physically demanding position.  It's being on your feet all day, bending, lifting, handling huge dogs and chemicals constantly.  She wouldn't be able to work with the cats.  If it were me, I would be terrified to potentially injure myself and/or the little life I'd be growing in a position like that.  It just doesn't seem smart.  I really don't want to come to work every day to see her belly getting bigger.

All this in the past 36 hours.  I just want to yell and scream sometimes.  

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Le Sigh

I'm sitting at home on my day off having a cup of coffee right now.  But I should have just left a hotel in West Virginia and be heading back home.  I was supposed to get my old dog back yesterday.  The one it broke my heart to leave behind when the ex-husband and I split up.  Last week he decided he couldn't give her the kind of life she deserved anymore and had asked me to take her.  It was supposed to be a done deal, and I was so excited.  I arranged for time off of work and started making plans to meet him halfway.  Then he changed his mind.  Again.  I should have known better.  I think I cried for an hour straight when he told me.  Once again I had allowed myself to get my hopes up and once again I was devastated.  I'm not getting my little girl back.  :'(  He better step up and take better care of her.

I'm angry.  At so many things right now, and I don't know how to start getting them all out here.  And hurt.  By so many people and things.  I've been trying to work through all my feelings, but I think I'm just pushing them down.  Telling myself I've forgiven and moved on, when I've really just been keeping things amicable and trying to forget.

I finally got the anti-depressants yesterday and I don't even know what I hope they'll accomplish anymore.  I think I've felt crappy for so long now that I'd accepted it as the status quo of my life.  I've taken them before and I honestly don't remember how I felt when on them.  I remember running hot, being tired a lot and feeling a brain fog at times, but I don't remember how I felt emotionally.  Hopefully they'll do something positive.

Thursday, July 4, 2013

Fabulous Fourth

What a beautiful day it has been!  Got to sleep in and had cinnamon rolls and coffee for breakfast.  Later morning, the roommate and I headed out for Independence Day celebrations downtown.  First we heard the drum and fife band and watched them march up to the palace doors...

We parked ourselves in the grass and listened to a reading of the Declaration of Independence...

Then we walked around the gardens and took lots of pictures...

What I imagine to be the entrance to a secret garden


Gorgeousness all around!  It was fantastic.  After our little self-guided tour of all the grounds, we headed further downtown and walked the streets.  We went into a little store, and I had my first ever ice cream float.  We visited a friend working at a local outdoors shop.  We passed a group on the street handing out mini American flags that had been in the ground at a local memorial for fallen soldiers.  Each flag represented a life lost in Iraq, and I almost teared up hearing the story as I was handed one.  I really am lucky.

Just as it was getting almost too hot to bear, the slightest sprinkling came down to cool us off, continuing our local streak of at least (gotta be by now!) two weeks straight of rain every single day.  It's been ridiculous.

But today has been fabulous, and I've highly enjoyed it.  I'm hanging with the ex-bf this evening and trying to convince him to go see fireworks with me.  I haven't been to a display since 2009, I believe.  Although I'm not sure if I want to be out in all the heat again waiting for darkness to fall.  We shall see.

Monday, July 1, 2013

Baby Bird

This is my new little friend...

He/she chills outside in the back yard when it's nice out.  He's usually somewhere on the patio or camouflaged against the fence.  Momma is around sometimes, but it's usually just the little one.  He doesn't seem too scared of me, as he doesn't move when I go outside and lets me get pretty close for pictures.

I've never seen him fly, but he can surely hop.  He was right by the door one evening, and I didn't see him when letting the dog out.  The pup took off after him, and I got to them as the bird got to the fence and had nowhere else to go.  I think the pup was curious more than anything, but he scared the mess out of baby birdie.

It'll be interesting to see how long he sticks around.

Sunday, June 30, 2013


The past few days have been pretty okay.  The drama at work lightened up a little Friday, mostly because one of the main drama-makers was off, and I jokingly threatened everyone else who was working that they'd better be in a good mood.  Boss-lady was off too, so that kinda helped.  She's been grouchy lately and has had everyone on edge.

Got a call from the ex-hubs Friday evening.  It was the first time hearing his voice in almost a year, which was nice.  I thought for sure I'd bawl my eyes out after the call, but I held it together.  Later that night I got a text from a friend of ours who was visiting him, and he said that they both missed me.  That one almost got me, but I stayed strong.  I didn't dwell on either and they actually kind of seemed like no big deal.  I'm sorta proud of myself.

Yesterday I went over to the old house and cleaned the carpets.  I first had to pick up the cleaning machine from the grocery store, and I'm sure they thought I was a hot mess.  I had just woken up from a nap and was still exhausted.  I was fuzzy and thinking and reacting very slowly.  I'm sure I seemed high as fuck to the customer service guy.  I wheeled the thing out to my car and was about to take advantage of the empty spot next to me to load it into the back seat.  But no.  Someone decided to pull into it, and I had to alter my course quickly, leading me to run the thing into my foot, which somehow sent the dirty water tank flying.  Luckily it didn't hit any cars.  So I had to grab that, put it back on, maneuver the machine into the narrow space between my car and the next, and get it into the back seat without scraping the other car.  All the while the wind was whipping around me, and my hair was swirling all over my face so I couldn't see that well.  What an unnecessarily complicated process.  To top it off, the lady that had pulled in and witnessed this entire thing got out of her car and kinda smiled at me like, "Ah, that sucks."  Thanks, lady.

Anyways, finally made it to the house and got started.  The ex arrived home when I was about halfway through and helped out.  Then we had one of our normal post-breakup evenings.  As always, it was very nice.  The plan for today is to go back and finish cleaning after he's got all his stuff out.  And if the cable's all hooked up at his new place by tonight, we're planning on watching the season premiere of Dexter.  I'm not sure I'm ready to let go of that man, and I'm not sure that's such a bad thing.  But it kinda is.  *sigh*

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

One More Thing

I had a mini-meltdown today.  My roommate came home and told me that her sister wants to move down to this area.  She asked me what I thought about her sister and her baby taking her room, and her moving upstairs to the loft.  Actually she totally left out the baby part during the asking, and I had to confirm that this was the sister that just had a baby.

We haven't even been here four weeks, and she asked me if her sister and her baby could move in with us.  What the fuck??

It would only be temporary, but how temporary?  She said the three of them would eventually find a place to live together.  She had reassured me several times before moving in that she would be living with me for a year.  What happened to that??  She said she could arrange for that, and I said I wasn't going to force her to stay here.  Not that I could anyway, but she'd given me her word.

She went to the store after that, and I had to get out of the house.  I ended up going to my old house and hanging out with the dog while the ex-boyfriend was at work.  I just wanted to go home, and that place still feels like it.

I have a difficult time with change, and it's just one thing after another lately.  I'm just looking to find some normalcy again, and I'm having a really hard time with that.

I still don't know how to answer her question.

Kinda Craptastic Things

It's crazy how people from your past can still affect you.  I got a FB message this morning from a guy I went to high school with who kinda made my life hell back then.  He was asking a work-related question, and now I'm thinking he may use the services of my workplace.  And for some reason, that's got me feeling all queasy inside.  I like to leave my past in the past.  I haven't seen him in probably eleven years, and I'd like to keep it that way.  I dunno.  Just weird.

I kinda saw some sea turtles released back into the ocean yesterday.  It was crazy crowded, but cool to kinda see them swimming away.  We got there late, and the best vantage point was from standing in the water a little ways.  My pants got a good bit wet.  As we were walking back to the car, I saw a man go to the farthest picnic table (which really wasn't that far) and totally strip down, dry off and change clothes.  Awkward, but he had a nice ass.  My "sister" drove, and I think we almost died about ten times.  Seriously, she drives crazy, and we almost rear ended people at least seven or eight times, no lie.  We went to a buffet pizza place for dinner, and she had her daughter try a bite of one of the dessert ones thinking she'd like it.  Nope.  That girl cried and screamed like I've never seen her before.  It was rather embarrassing.  She finally got her calmed down, but for some reason thought it would be a good idea to offer it to her again.  And the girl started crying and carrying on all over again.  It was awesome.  I do want kids, right?

I had a plan for today to get my first mortgage payment taken care of.  I went through a different bank than I normally use to get the home loan.  I just learned yesterday (although they said they'd told me with the original paperwork... nope!) that although I set up my mortgage loan through their bank, it had actually been serviced by another one.  The bank I normally use, actually.  I think I would have remembered them telling me that, but oh well.  I had been planning to go into my bank today to get an auto draft set up so I wouldn't have to deal with mailing checks, but I logged into my online account this morning and found my mortgage info sitting right there with a nice little "Make Payment" button.  So, there went my need to go into the bank and my plans to go grocery shopping afterward.  Now, on this lovely day off, I don't need to go anywhere.  I kinda do need food, but I'm content surviving off what little is here for the day and going shopping after work tomorrow.  Imma be a bum today.

I've been thinking more about the online dating thing, and I'm still not sure if I want to try it yet.  I created this little gem this morning...

I'd always wanted to attempt to make one, and figured I'd give it a shot.  It's funny, but it's also kinda not.  I'm 30, have no idea if I'll be able to get pregnant or not and really don't want to sort through all the BS that is dating.  Can't I just put it all out there and reel in a winner?  I don't think it works like that.

Once again I'm rethinking things with the ex-boyfriend.  We had dinner at his (our) place Monday night and watched a movie while cuddling on the couch.  Seriously, if he had given me half as much attention as he does now, I could have overlooked a ton of our other issues when we were together.  That's the kind of affection I need on a regular basis to feel secure.  If I feel loved by a guy, the other stuff doesn't seem as bad.  But are his other things that bad?  Would I want to have a lifelong partner like him even if he did give me that affection?  Ugh!  He's moving out this weekend, and I'm going over there Saturday evening to clean the carpets and whatever else needs to be done.  We've both pretty much implied that we want to have sex that night.  I think we've got to stop that if I have any chance of wanting to start to date again.  Do I want to let him go?