I want a hippopotamus for Christmas!

That song's in my head, and I love it!

It's been a good, busy week.  Work was crazy with all the holiday business.  Only a half day tomorrow, which is fantastic.  We had our staff Christmas party at a restaurant downtown last night, and it was wonderful.  It was probably the most low-key one I've been to, but I think everyone had a good time.  We did the "White Elephant" thing, and I stole a gift card.  I felt kinda bad "stealing" a gift, but the person who first had it went up and ended up with another of the same, so no harm, no foul!

Found a very old friend on FB yesterday.  He had sent me a message back in freakin March, but it went to some "Other" folder in the message center that I'd never seen until yesterday.  I was going through FB's new security things and learned about it.  Craziness.  It's a cool story with him though... We met in a chat room (remember those?!) back when we were both in 8th grade which was 1997, I think.  We emailed and chatted all through high school, then finally met when we were 20 or so.  We kind of fell out of touch about five years ago.  It's nice to talk to him again.

I'm so excited for Tuesday!  I think I've nailed all my gifts for everyone this year.  My favorite one is for my step-dad.  He's a writer and has been in the process of turning one of his screenplays into a novel for quite some time now.  He's got it based in our old town and mentioned once he'd hoped to get a picture of the river at sunrise for the cover.  I finally dragged my ass out of bed early enough and drove there on a gorgeous morning this week.  There was a mist on the river, and the sun made it glow.  I noticed a cop keeping an eye on me, but I think he was just being nosy, haha.  The pictures turned out beautifully, and I can't wait for him to see them.  He's not in the best of health, and I don't know if he'll get to finish that book, but maybe this will keep him going on it for a bit.

Happy Holidays!

Does My Dog Count?

The other day at work, I was printing a receipt on our ancient dot-matrix printer and thought I heard the customer ask "Are you ready for Christmas?"  With the printer being so freakin loud, I wasn't sure if that was what she had really said, so I asked her to repeat it.

"Is your baby ready for Christmas?"

My reply?  "Um... my dog is ready."

"Oh, I thought you were the one that had the baby."

"Nope."

This happens all the time.  A girl left almost two years ago when she had her baby, and so many of our clients seem to think I'm her.  Even though I was there way before her and have been there way after she left.  It's really awkward each time too.  I love getting to say, "Nope, not me.  I don't have any kids."  All.  The.  Time.

Blah, blah, blah... funny video

This is the second Christmas season without the husband, and a much as I hate to say it, I still miss him.  I don't dwell on it most of the time anymore, but every now and then I do think about it.  He just got me, and the more time that passes, the more less likely it seems that I'll be able to find that with another person.  (Other than my ex-roommate turned best friend... she totally gets me, but it's just not quite the same, haha.)

Things with the boyfriend have been amazing lately, and I do love him, but it doesn't feel the same as it did with the ex-husband.  I know it's not supposed to, but there are several things that are missing.  I think one is that "can't live without you and don't even wanna think about trying" feeling.  I'm sad it's not there.  I thought it was in the beginning, but a lot of that was lust and also just really wanting to find the one and settle down so damn badly.

I think I'm just scared right now.  I'm in a relationship that is supposed to end in a few months, which is just weird.  He said the other night he wasn't sure he wants it to end.  Sometimes I do wonder if maybe we could be right for each other.  We've still got time, and maybe those feelings can develop.  But then again, if they were going to be there, shouldn't they already be by now?  I don't want to trick myself into believing they are just because I'm scared of starting over again.

I keep wanting to find a man that's totally right for me, but what if there isn't one?  What if I have him now and am blowing it?  I'm over thinking things right now, geez.  In my heart I feel I will find the one I'm meant to be with, but obviously I do stress about it... occasionally.

Funny video about how I sometimes feel now and my fears for the future...

Rotten Eggs

Did anyone see that episode of New Girl a few weeks ago where Jess and Cece started freaking out about their fertility?  Their lady doctor friend informed them that a woman loses about 90% of her eggs by the age of thirty.

In all my reading and studies while TTC I didn't recall seeing that particular statistic so I chose to believe it was made up for TV Land, but a little Googling informed me otherwise.  Apparently there was a study several years ago which determined that terrifying number.  So... I guess I only have about 12% of my ovarian reserve left right now.

That's just fucking fantastic.

"Who's gonna lay a flag down on this sweet, sweet continent?"  I don't know but I guess I'd better find out pretty fucking soon.

Courtesy of tv.com

Vanishing Act

I wrote this really long post yesterday, but it's all gone now.  Since the new app update, there's not a save draft button anymore.  Imagine my surprise when I came back to the app to find all my words had disappeared.  So, now for the short version...

Things with the boyfriend are okay right now.   I got a raise.  I'm excited for the holidays, have done my Christmas cards and am enjoying the holiday music.

There was something else, but I forget.

Blessingway, Part 2

The sequel to Blessingway... Had the ceremony for my best friend last night.  It was much smaller with just her mother, sisters and me.  It was just as lovely, but my tears weren't as innocent this time.  When it was her mother's turn to "bless" I teared up.  No sobbing or anything, but it was pretty obvious in our small group of six.  She was going on and on about the miracle of an extension to their family growing inside of her daughter's belly and what a miraculous transformation it would bring.  That's where I got totally jealous.
I hope that maybe one day I will get my family.  I keep remembering how I tried once and lost who I thought was my Prince Charming.  I'm reminded how I tried to get pregnant, was unsuccessful, was diagnosed with endo and just don't know what the hell's going on in there.  Although I'm so, so happy for her, I'm jealous of her getting started on her happily ever after.  I want to get started on mine again.

Didn't help that the boyfriend was totally unsympathetic when I talked to him this morning.  "You shouldn't be jealous, you'll get all that too."  "Oh, you didn't really try that long."  "Endo isn't a disease."  That last one was from a couple of weeks ago, but still pissed me off.  Oh, and fun fact... I learned recently that women with endo have E. coli in their menstrual blood.  Isn't that lovely?

And on that note, I'm off to make bird's nest cookies and a cheese ball that looks like an owl for the baby shower today.  Wish me luck on several levels please...

Funky Friday

When it comes to the endometriosis, I try to keep an open mind.  It sucks that I have it, and it has caused me a great deal of pain through the years, but I've got that part mostly under control at the moment.  And to be fair, I can't really blame it for not getting pregnant when I was trying to... there were a lot of other factors such as bad timing and lack of cooperation.  In fact, I lost count of how many people said "At least there were no children" when they learned I was getting divorced.  Those words hurt back then, but I guess it just wasn't meant to be at the time.  I don't really know if I'll have trouble the next time I try.  That part I'm kind of okay with.  I don't like the unknown aspects of it, but there's not much I can do about it right now.

I think that's the part that pisses me off.  In three short months I'll be thirty, and I thought my life would be very different by now.  Once again, some days I am okay with it.  But other days, like yesterday, I was nothing but "Poor, pitiful me" and "It's just not fair!"  All I saw were the most adorable happy couples with their little baby bumps, fathers with their kids who they were obviously crazy about and completely unready teenagers.  And no, this wasn't at the lady doctor's office... they all strolled in and out of my workplace all freakin day.  It was an emotional roller coaster of a day.  By the end of it I was exhausted and didn't want to do anything other than go home, have a glass or two of wine and crash.  Didn't even make it to the gym, even though Friday's the day I look forward to going the most.

Why is it the thing you've wanted your entire life is the hardest thing to accomplish?  I never wanted a career.  I never cared about being an important person who makes a major discovery or something of the sort.  All I ever wanted since I was a teenager was to fall in real, lasting love and have a family.  Nothing too complicated or seemingly out of the question, right?

Now I'm wondering if maybe it's not going to happen.  I'm wondering if I'm even really relationship material.  Things went wrong in my marriage, and now I'm not sure about things with the current guy.  Have I just not found the right one, or is it really me destroying everything?  Then again, the right one will be dubbed so for a reason... he'll love me for all I am and won't leave when times get tough.  Isn't that the way it's supposed to work?

Slow and Steady vs. Here and Now

One of my best friends is very methodical and thinks long term.  She and her husband have been scrimping and saving for years.  They've lived extremely frugally and are crazy couponers.  In doing this they have just bought their first house with a large down payment and still have a large cushion... which they're scared to spend, but that's beside the point.

They have a plan.  They know what they want to accomplish through the years and how they want to live, and they're happy to lay the groundwork now and be fruitful in the long run.  And that works for them.

My boss-lady (who I'm pretty good friends with) is of the other mindset... we're not promised tomorrow, so do what you've always wanted to and what makes you happy now.  She's doing things for herself that she never used to... She just got her first tattoo and is planning another.  She now gets bi-weekly mani/pedis, takes local day trips and does other things that make her feel good about herself.

Her financial situation doesn't really let her save for the future, so she says "screw it" and when she gets a little something extra she uses it for fun.  And that works for her.

My friend's and my boss' situations are different, so of course they're looking at it from different angles.  My friend is in her thirties and has only been married for a few years.  She's gotten a good start and wants to be practical with everything.  My boss is 50, been married for 30 years with no kids and has "been there, done that."  She also has a big family history of heart problems, feels lucky to have made it this long and wants to enjoy life to the fullest in case it doesn't last much longer.

I  understand where each is coming from and I feel I fall somewhere in the middle.  I want to embrace the now and live in the moment, but I also need to think of the future.  I want to have fun while I'm young, but I also want to start settling down and attempting to have children.  The latter of each involves some long term planning and saving, but I do allow a little splurge here and there for the former.  And I guess that will work for me.

That Time Again

What time, you ask?  It's time to bitch an complain about pregnant people being everywhere again!!  Yay!  *sigh*  They're all over the freakin place.  And they're all posting adorable preggo belly photos for the holidays.

My best friend is pregnant and due right after the first of the year.  Now I love her to death and would do anything for her, and apparently that means being involved in planning the baby shower her family is putting together.  I would have no problem with this (other than the obvious one) if someone would have informed me that I was to be helping.  I still don't know who volunteered me.  An extra couple of months notice would have been nice too.  Now it's less than three weeks away, and as far as I know, nothing's really been done other than talking about it.  At all.  Invitations should have been sent a couple of weeks ago.  Ugh!

In all seriousness though, I'm happy to be planning my bestie's first baby shower and had been planning on participating anyway.  It's just hard.  Emotionally painful.  I left her sister's kid's first birthday party almost in tears at the sight of all the happy young mothers.  I'm terrified I'm gonna burst out at this next most joyous event too.  It's embarrassing.

Sunday Ramblings

Feeling blah today.  Depressing hurricane weather, rude people, MIA boss, stupid argument with the boyfriend... it keeps going.

Some good things:  Looking forward to Pancake Wednesday with the previous awesome roommate.  Payday this Friday.  Charlotte this coming weekend with my mom.  And...

Well, the other day.  Needed a place to put the sticker, and the vitamin bottle seemed as good as any.  Glad I rocked the vote early and don't have to worry about Election Day anymore.

Someone asked the other day:   How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?  I replied with 24 or so, but I'm not really sure.  I don't always mentally feel like an adult.  I sometimes feel old physically though, which is sad.  (Hopefully that'll change after more time at the gym!)  Some days I'm a teenager, some it's more like an old woman.  I guess I'll stick with my own damn near 30.

Tick Tock

I think I have a girl crush on this chick right here.  She's a strong lady battling endo whose blog I ran across a couple of years ago while immersing myself (well, more like reading and observing) in the online TTC community.  Earlier this year I fell behind in my blog reading and have been catching up on hers lately, although I'm only up to August right now.

Anyways, the more I read the more inspiring I find her to be.  While dealing with infertility and heartache, she decided to focus on her.  She swore off men for awhile, got herself back in healthy physical shape and pursued her interests more.

There's so much I want to try, explore and do, but fear always seems to get in the way.  And so does that damn ticking clock!  I want to hit the snooze button on the freakin thing.  I want to be able to pause it so I can do what I need to for me without worrying that my fertility (if I have any) is dwindling away.

The fear I'm currently working on.  I'm getting out and doing more things.  I'm gyming it up trying to get myself back in shape and physically feeling better.  But the voice way deep down that keeps pushing the "Marry a nice man and find out if you can make babies right now!" agenda is harder to work with and silence.

Hence the snooze button.

30 Days

I remember reading a long time ago about someone's postulation of the time it takes to mostly get over someone and be able to move on... They claimed it was approximately half the amount of time the relationship actually lasted. I have no idea if that is true, but it would put my finish line at about a month from now.

I know you can't force healing or put a time limit on "mourning" (which it still feels like I'm doing) over something like this, but I wonder if having a goal like that would help. If setting a certain stopping point could work. Allow myself to pout and feel sad for thirty more days, then tell myself to stop. Could it actually work like that? Could I prep my heart and brain to stop dwelling and really be ready for what lies ahead?

It certainly can't hurt to try.

I'm a Killer

I killed my marriage, I know I did. I didn't pull the trigger or put the final nail in the coffin, but I had a big hand in it. I put too much on him. I wanted too much out of him. I was too dependent on him. I wish I'd had more self confidence. I wish I hadn't been so depressed. There's a lot I wish he'd done differently too, by I've already shared my thoughts on that a few times.

A group of us were talking at work this morning about marriages and the things that do and don't work in them. I did all the don'ts. I got my self worth from being with him. I wanted us to be each other's everything and that be enough. Even though I knew it was totally ridiculous, I got jealous when he wanted to do something on his own or hang out with his friends without me. I was scared to upset him. I was scared to say what I needed to half the time.

Because I didn't want him to leave me.

The Pre Breakup

... or The Breakup Plan. I don't know if either of those are right, but I don't know what else to call it.

We went out to dinner last night and ended up in the beginning of our end. It started over drinks with him trying again to convince me to want to move away, which I know I won't. The main course arrived as we were acknowledging that we aren't going to be together in the long run for that reason and many others. The meal ended with us deciding to enjoy the time we have left together but realizing that a better offer (job, location, person) could come along at any time. Otherwise I guess we'll wait until our lease ends.

At the end of the night I felt okay but this morning I find myself sad. It's like we're closer now that we've been totally honest about everything, even though it was so difficult. It was a mutual decision that had been coming for awhile... from both sides apparently, which I learned last night.

Why do I feel so crappy?

Updates and Such

I decided to get out of town this past weekend.  Went to visit a friend in Raleigh, and we had a good time.  Got some exercise, drank some wine.  It was much needed.  I got home Sunday afternoon, and the boyfriend and I had a really good evening together.  Monday was pretty awesome too

I joined a gym a couple of weeks ago!  I was pretty terrified to start out with... having social anxiety, going to the gym had pretty much been one of my worst nightmares.  But I really like it!  I will go into the "Ladies Only" room if there's a ton of people in the main area, but for the most part it's pretty great.  I'm starting to feel better and lose a little weight.  I've got a bad back too, and I'm hoping to build up some strength there.  I'm pretty sure I'll stick with it... my manager at work (who is really more of a friend) and I joined together and are motivating each other to keep at it.  Excited to go again tonight.  More excited now that I've actually found some workout clothes I feel comfortable in and am not wearing the same freakin outfit all the time.

Earlier this morning the old roommate and I had our weekly "Pancake Breakfast".  I miss her!  I also got a free haircut today, then cleaned up the house some to get ready for our quarterly "property review" by the house's rental management company tomorrow.  This will be our first one, and I guess they're just making sure we haven't wrecked the place.  Gotta take the cat to work with me though and stash all evidence that we have one in the trunk of my car.  Didn't have the cash for the extra pet deposit when we first moved in and don't want to pay it now.  The guy doing the inspection was pretty disappointed not to be meeting the dog tomorrow, but I just don't trust people alone in the house with him.  I guess I'm scared they'll somehow let him get out and run away.

I think that's all my updates for now.

Loopy

I was thrown for a loop today. A newly preggo (with her second) friend came by work today and didn't seem too happy about her condition. Surprised the hell out of me because she'd always wanted a big family and had a really hard time trying to get pregnant the first time. She knew I'd had trouble when I was trying too. If I was pregnant with my second and talking to someone who desperately wants one, I wouldn't be complaining.

My inner clock keeps ticking louder and louder. I feel old. I feel like I need to get started again on trying to have children. That's not gonna happen for quite awhile though.

Good Things

Lately my blog has just become a place to vent.  All I do really is list the problems I have.  There really are a lot of positive things too, especially with him.  He works hard and is a good guy.  He keeps me laughing and keeps me on my toes.  He's the biggest nerd, and I love it.  He's very tech savvy and also a fantastic handyman.  I think he can fix just about anything.  Never really wanting furry pets, he's made a huge effort with mine and his patience with them is growing.  Things between us now are very good.  We're still learning about each other and we're meshing well.

Work is good, and my boss is working on getting me a raise.  My pets are healthy, although spastic still.  I hang out with friends on a regular basis and am working on connecting with some ones I haven't seen in awhile.  I'm going to be an auntie again in a few months and I get to see my best friend, the mom-to-be, soon.  I think it's going to be a boy, but I dreamed last night that it's a girl.  I guess we'll see next weekend at the "gender reveal party".

Overall, life is really good.  I do tend to get down about a lot, but it's good to stop and realize just how much I do have going for me.

No rocking chairs, I guess.

The boyfriend's bearded dragon died yesterday.  He'd gotten him as a baby and had him for thirteen years.  Understandably, he was upset, but he seemed more upset by the fact that it bothered him so much.  Such a proud man.  He said that he gets in rare form when he's upset, and he did say something that's kind of been bothering me.

He mentioned how his step-father probably doesn't have much longer to live and that his mother probably wouldn't be too upset when he passed.  That absolutely shocked me.  He said they'd been sleeping in different rooms for years.  After talking more, he said that's how he viewed lives of older couples... that eventually they just get sick and tired of each other.  So I asked him, "You don't think that love can last forever?"  He said he did, but didn't really have much to say passed that.  I didn't want to come out and say, "So you think that's how we'd end up?" being only four months into our relationship and all, but he could tell that I was off after that.

I'm still off.

IUD as Cancer Treatment

I read on FB that a friend of mine from back in the early elementary days was doing just that.  She was diagnosed with PCOS then underwent a D&C.  I guess they sent that off for testing and found out she had early stage uterine cancer.  Her doctor then decided that giving her an IUD would help to treat it.  That absolutely floored me.  It seems crazy that a birth control device could treat cancer.  Then I looked into it and read that some studies have found the progesterone in it to be effective treatment in some cases.  Crazy!  Unfortunately it didn't work for my friend.  She now has stage two, and last I heard she may be having a hysterectomy.  Breaks my heart.  She's my age and I know she wants to have children.

Speaking of children and Facebook (kinda)... I deactivated my account yesterday.  Night before last I found this website that currently for Google Chrome users can scan your news feed for certain key words and replace pictures of babies with cats or other things.  I thought it was hilarious and something that I would use if it became available for my web browser.  I posted a link to in on FB, and probably my best friend in town here (a mother though) had to make a snarky remark.  It kinda hurt my feelings.  She more than anyone else should understand why I wouldn't want to see pictures of other peoples' babies all over my news feed.  

Anyways, it got me thinking.  All I've seen on FB lately is worthless stuff.  People haven't been posting about their lives (well, other than their babies), and I really haven't been getting much out of it lately other than stress from all the drama.  So I got rid of it.  I'm hoping permanently.  They make it so easy to go back though, so if I go into withdrawals or something I can find comfort in the fact that my page and friends are still there exactly the way I left them.

So far so good though.

Three Weeks!

Wow!  Once again, crazy long time.  How ya been?

Lots has been going on since we last spoke.  Broke up with the boyfriend and got back with the boyfriend after an entire night of talking it all out.  I jumped the gun a little there... I'm not the best at verbal communication.  We're doing really well now though.  It's kinda been like when we first got together again, which has been very nice.  I'm working on talking about things, and he's been trying to open up more too.

Took a lovely vacation with the boyfriend last week and saw NYC for the first time.  So many people said it would be overwhelming for me, but it really wasn't.  It seemed like any other city, and I guess I just wasn't that impressed.  Guess I like being a country girl.  Everyone said my feet would be dead by the end of the day too because I was walking through the city in flip-flops... don't they know I'd be barefoot all the time if I could?  But when I can't be, flip-flops can take me anywhere!

The rest of our time was spent in New Jersey, a state I had never wished to visit.  But we were in the northern mountainous part of it which was really lovely.  We stayed with a couple of his friends who are trendy hippies, kinda.  Of course I loved them!  They had a huge party one night, and I met a bunch of great people.  Met his sister and four nieces... they were pretty wonderful too.

I've ventured into the world of selling on eBay!  I've been buying for years, but never took the leap to sell.  It's actually been pretty fun.  I started with the Litter Kwitter and am now selling books and jewelry.  A good way to make a little bit of extra cash.  Which I totally need!  My "transfer your balances and get no interest for 12 months!" credit card is now in its 13th month, and the interest alone is over $100 a month!  Eeeeeek!  I thought for sure I would have made a bigger dent in my debt by now, but it just hasn't worked out that way.  I did pay off my car a couple of months ago though, so yay!  But... doctor bills, moving expenses, bigger utility bills due to more square footage... it all adds up, and I'm still in the negative each month.  Something's gotta give.

Still trying to sell my old engagement ring.  If I could, it would take away almost all the money stress.  It's been on eBay and all over the web for months, but no takers yet.  Had one offer, but it was crazy low, and I just couldn't do it.  Hopefully another one will come soon.

Okay, that's enough catching up for now I suppose.  I promise it won't be three weeks again next time!

Sigh...

Talked to him about it that night and felt a little better.  Had another issue Sunday, and we had another talk.  I don't know how I feel about this.  It just seems so hard.  We're not lovey-dovey like I'm used to.  Like I need.  Is that to be expected when you get older?  We're not growing together.  Our relationship doesn't seem to be progressing.  We're just going through the motions of a couple living together.

We're taking a little vacation up north in a couple of weeks.  Spending time with some of his friends and family, and a day trip to NYC.  I keep thinking I'll be able to tell better about our relationship during and after the trip.  I know I just need to give it all more time, but how long?

All Moved In

Picked the worst weekend to do it.  One hundred degree heat then a hurricane-like storm at the end of it.  Other than the weather, the move went well.  Got it all done in a pretty short amount of time.

Now's the hard part.  I really don't know how I'm feeling about it.  Living with him just isn't going like I thought it would.  Yet, maybe?  Maybe it just needs more time.  He seems different since we moved in, and I really need to talk to him about it.  I wanted to give it a few days because maybe he's feeling weird about it too.  It doesn't seem to be getting better though and seems worse since the pets came home.

I'm bad at the talking though.  Either I say the wrong thing or can't even manage to get out what it is I really want to.  This sucks :(

Puppy?

Wow!  It's been a really long time!  How have you been??  I've been up and down, as usual, but mostly up.  I'm moving in with my wonderful boyfriend in just three days!!  Got almost all my stuff packed up and am just waiting for Friday to come.

Almost got a new dog tonight!  He and I were relaxing on the couch when we heard a little thump.  We turned around to see the cutest dog lying outside the door and giving us the sweetest eyes.  We let him in and gave him a little food and water.  He couldn't have been more than 6-8 months old and was so well-behaved.  We all went back out on the back patio, and he just laid down at my feet and enjoyed the lovin'.  We stayed like that for a long time discussing what we should do.  Then he stirred and took off towards the woods.  He stopped at the edge and turned to look at us like he wanted to come back, but he was most likely just saying goodbye.  I looked out the back door the rest of the night and drove around the neighborhood a few times before going back home.  I really wanted him.  Hopefully he has a family and is back with them right now.

How do you not piss off a teenager?

I pissed a co-worker off yesterday.  She's 17... that should about sum it up.  I called her out on the attitude she swears she doesn't have but that tends to come out every single day.  She's a sweet girl mostly, so I hadn't said anything for over a year and just couldn't hold it in anymore.  Everyone's usually all, "Oh, that's just her.  She's just a teenager."  The stuff she gets away with because of that!  Just because you're a teenager doesn't give you the right to disregard the simplest of common courtesy.  Especially at work.

I waited until no one was around, but I should have waited until I had calmed down some more.  I came off more confrontational than I should have and probably could have been more effective had I not been.  I'm never like that, and it bothered me all night.  I'm not sure if I was upset because I hurt her feelings or if I was upset with myself for getting that way.  I'm trying to let it go now.  What's done is done, and I can't change it.  Maybe we can both learn from it.

On a lighter note, the boyfriend met the parents last weekend.  He was really nervous and quiet, but they liked him a lot.  I met his mother the weekend before that, which also went pretty well.  She seems like a sweet lady.  He and I are still pretty stoked to be moving in together.  I'm over at his place pretty much all the time anyway, and I hate leaving every night.  I really miss spending time with my pets too, so two birds, one stone.  He's excited to be having a dog again and has all sorts of walking plans.

Come on end of the month!  Wow... moving in three weeks.  I really should start packing.

Good and Bad

A quote from Marilyn Monroe (who also had endo) keeps running through my head.  It goes, "If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."  It's so very true.  People will come and go from your life, but those that stick around for the hard times truly do care and want to be there throughout it.  The boyfriend got a glimpse of me at my worst and didn't run or freak out.  He was calm and collected and realized that it's just one part of me.  It's worth it stick around and get back to the good parts.  I think he's a keeper. :)

Oh, and we totally got the house!!

Crazy Girl

The boyfriend witnessed something yesterday that I'd hoped he wouldn't for at least a little while longer... he saw the crazy come out in me for a bit.  I got upset over something stupid, and it ruined the rest of my afternoon.  I was mad for not being able to just let it go, and it was a vicious cycle of frustration and being scared that it would scare him away.  He felt helpless because he didn't know what to say or do to help, and I told him that there wasn't really anything.  He asked what I was upset about, and I told him I didn't know, which by then was the truth.  I wasn't upset about any one specific thing anymore, it was just a snowball rolling down a hill getting bigger and bigger.

Then he said the perfect thing:  "I don't know what you're upset about, but if you're worried about me, you shouldn't.  I'm not going anywhere, and that's the last thing you should be worried about.  So I'm gonna give you some space to work out whatever you need to, but I'm still here."

I know that was part of it.  I was scared he would think it wasn't worth it putting up with my emotional spells.  But he took it in stride and reassured me that he wasn't going anywhere.  It was just the right thing.  So I cried a little more then was somehow able to pull myself together, and we had a very pleasant rest of the day.

In my defense though, I am PMS-ing rather a lot and I think that played a part in it.  I was pretty emotional at work today too.

Movin' On Up... again.

Things with the boyfriend are now speeding up very quickly.  If all goes as planned, we'll be moving in together next month.  My roommate is planning on moving, and I really don't want to try to find another roommate... not that I could find one as great as her anyways.  So I talked to him about it, and he's just as stoked as I am.  I do still worry that it's fast, but we spend just about every evening together anyways, so why not get a place together and not have to say goodbye almost every night?

Found a wonderful house today, and we're trying to arrange a time to meet with the rental people.  Could finally have a gas stove!  I've been cooking more since we got together, and I'm starting to get inspired to bake again.  Haven't really done any of that in over a year now.  Have yet to break in the new Kitchen Aid mixer... blasphemous!

You never stop loving somebody...

I'm crazy about this guy... the boyfriend, that is.  It's still weird calling him that.  But as much as I like him, I keep having tiny freak outs now and then.  I keep thinking "This isn't right!  He's not the ex.  I won't ever be as happy as I was with him."  But then I think, "No, he's not the ex.  The ex did you wrong, is gone and isn't coming back.  You really like this guy, and he really likes you.  Appreciate how wonderful that is and keep moving forward."

The saying "You never stop loving somebody, you just start loving somebody else" (quite possibly from a Big & Rich song?)... is it true?  Will I always carry around a little flame for my ex?  Does it ever really go away completely?

Now, different topic... What does dreaming you're trapped in a battleship during a tornado mean?  What about trying to start a fire, but it won't light, then it roars into a huge bonfire?  What about trying to take pictures, but the color doesn't show up?  What about almost being raped in my closet?  What about planting oak trees?  What about having a motel room where the dividing wall to the next room is only a curtain that doesn't really shut all the way?  I dreamed all these last night, plus a bunch more.  They were very strange.

An Auntie Again

My very best friend in the whole world is pregnant.  She texted me Monday asking me to call her after work, which she never does.  That got me wondering since I knew they'd been trying.  And sure enough.  They'd been trying maybe 8 months, and she'd been a little worried.  But what do you know?!  The very month she quit worrying about it, it happened and she's absolutely sure that had everything to do with it.  I doubt it.  Her sister said that when she got preggo too, so I'm sure that makes it true.  Yes, I'm a little jealous and was bitter, but I'm *mostly* over that now.  I sent her flowers like I did for her sister.  I love them and am very happy to have another niece/nephew on the way.  I guess it just brought up some old feelings.

But, on the bright side, things with the boyfriend are going crazy well.  I know it's early but I always do things fast in this department, and when I fall, it's fast and hard.  I could totally see myself making a life with this guy.

Going Steady

So that fish and I are now dating exclusively, and it's pretty awesome.  Every spare minute we have is spent together.  We take turns cooking for each other and actually went grocery shopping together yesterday.  It all feels so normal.  It feels right with him.  Made it "facebook official" today too.  Feels so teenager-ish, but feels nice too.

I know it's early and I'm definitely keeping a level head about it all, but I really hope things work out with him.  He's just what I've been looking for and would be a great father.  He even wants to have kids sooner rather than later since he's a bit older.  Fine by me!!  He knows about the endo and isn't freaked by any of it.  I told him some of the embarrassing parts of it, and he said how it's a part of me and that's what he's interested in.  How sweet.

Plus he totally knows what he's doing in the bedroom and isn't shy about it.  This is gonna be fun. ;)

I got a fish!

So that new guy I was talking about... we're totally hitting it off.  In fact, things have happened pretty fast.  We had our first date on Friday.  When it got really late and neither of us wanted to part, we ended up going back to his place for drinks, music and more getting to know each other.  After a while he made his move, and we were making out like crazy.  I ended up staying the night and it was so nice.  Didn't have sex, but we cuddled all night.  We stayed in bed for almost two hours the next morning just talking.  Then he made me coffee.  Last night we went out for dinner again then back to his place for a couple of movies.  It was pretty awesome.

I really like this guy.  We have many of the same views and agree on a lot.  And how about he lives right across the street from my parents, which also happens to be about two minutes down the road from me?!  Craziness.

The only thing that bothers me is how fast we're moving.  I really wasn't expecting to feel so comfortable with him so quickly.  It also scares me that I'm not totally over my ex.  I really don't want to hurt this guy.

I sure don't write much lately...

It seems like a lot has happened in a week.  I got really upset over the ex last weekend and decided to get out of town to visit some friends for a night, and it was actually pretty nice.  After I vented about all I was feeling I didn't think about any of it again until later the next day.  We went to a couple of bars downtown Saturday night, and I remembered how much I don't care for a city atmosphere.

I started talking to a new guy a few days ago.  He's a little older and seems to have his act together.  We'll see how this goes.

Got another FutureMe letter yesterday from a little over a year and a half ago when I was in Mississippi.  I had just found out about the endo and gone back on birth control.  It ended with "Hope you're doing better in the future."  That really got me thinking.  Am I better now?  I actually remember the night I wrote that one.  My emotions were all over the place.  Has that part changed?  I like to think I've got a little more control over them now.  Otherwise, I'm not sure if things are better, but they are definitely different.  Life has changed sooo much, it's crazy.  You never end up where you think you will.

Water, water everywhere...

I emailed some with the ex today.  I may have freaked him out.  Made me sad because I miss him so.

Got flowers this afternoon from someone who shouldn't be bringing me flowers.  Made me sad because I really liked him, but it wouldn't work between us.

Went out with the boy last weekend and had a fantastic evening of easily-flowing conversation.  Made me sad for the same reason, but he's the one that ended things.

Why is nothing working out?  Like, at all?  Not one damn drop to drink!

Crash. Boom. Bang.

About as quickly as the idea was put forth, it is now over.  The ex and I are no longer a possibility.  Told you we move fast.

He got a job offer and doesn't want to move from where he is now for the next few years.  I have no desire to move from where I am, so we're not gonna happen.  Part of me is so very happy for him... it's a huge opportunity.  Part of me thinks if he really wanted to be with me then that would be the priority. 

It was only for a couple of days, but I had let myself start to get my hopes up.  Kinda feels like I'm getting dumped all over again.

Ready to love again?

When the ex and I were together, we followed up on major life choices pretty fast.  Once we made our minds up about something we just went ahead and got the ball rolling.  No use in waiting.  Well, we talked the other day, and he wants to try to work things out between us and ultimately get back together.  Those were the words I'd been waiting over a year to hear.  I really didn't think they'd ever come, so I hadn't really thought about what I might say if they did.

I've decided that I'm open to it.  I know I still love him, but can I fall in love with him again?  Can I learn to trust again?  Can I accept that it's possible I may get my heart broken once more?  Can I let go of that fear and fully embrace the possibility that we could live happily ever after?

I knew there was no chance of even possibly starting to make any kind of real decision without us meeting face to face, so we decided to try to do that next month.  The only problem with that is that I'm ready to pull an us and go ahead and do it.  It's driving me nuts knowing that it's going to be a month before it happens.  I'm not so good with waiting.

Turn, turn, turn, turning me on...

I think I know why I'm so in love with Matt Nathanson's music... a lot of his songs are pure sex.  They're so visual and sensual and make me yearn.  The way he wriggles and writhes while he's performing drives me crazy.  Have you seen the various videos for "Run"?  He and Jennifer Nettles have some serious on-stage chemistry.  I deeply regret not seeing them in Nashville when they were touring together last year... I bet it was an amazing performance.

I want that passion.  I need that in a relationship.  I want a man who wants it as much as I do.  I want to touch, to be touched out of pure desire.  I want a man who I can have that with for a lifetime.

I must be going through my cliched "bad boy" phase right now, because I only feel that desire with them.  And they're freakin married, so I can't act on it.  They're not of the highest morals anyway (I guess that's why I call them "bad boys"?), so it's not like I could have actually made a life with either one even if they were single.

Okay, time to find another nice boy who's a sexual freak behind closed doors.  Can you list that on a dating site?  Looking for:  "Nice guy who wants to get busy all the time."

Shocking News!

I'm all confused, what's new?  I have good days, then I have bad days.  But that's normal, right?  I have days where I'm satisfied then ones where I'm a freakin mess.  I have a day where I talk to the ex on the phone for the first time and it's really great, then I can't get him out of my mind the next.  I miss him, and that leads to a day when all I want is one of the married dudes, but I know that's not gonna happen.  My libido's all back and wanting action now, telling me to go for it, but I won't.

At least I'm not feeling sick this month.  *knock on wood*  Cramps have been building for the past two weeks and they're scheduled to hit in full force tomorrow.  Something to look forward to.

Went on a friendly lunch date with an incredibly dull friend from high school.  He laughed so much at his own memories, he had a hard time telling them as stories.  They weren't really that funny for someone who wasn't there anyway.  At least the food was good, and I got to watch the cute sushi chef.

I'm obsessed with games with friends on my phone now.  Especially Draw Something.  Have quite a few games going and just hit the hundred mark with some random guy from Ontario.  It's pretty awesome.  Obsessed with Pinterest too... need I say more?

Isn't this entry just the best?  Chock-full of interesting stuff.

Happiness is...

I took my last happy pill yesterday morning.  Been on them a year now and decided not to try to get the prescription renewed... refilled... whatever.  I want to see if I can maintain this current control of emotions without them.  Apparently they have a long half-life and it can take awhile before they're fully out of the system.  I hope I don't go all bat-shit emotional again.  I can do this!

Apparently they are also known to kill your sex drive, and come to think of it, mine has been pretty low for the past year so maybe it'll come back.  Not that there's anyone to have sex with, but that's another whatever...  The one person I would want to no longer wants to with me, and the only two people who have made it known that they do with me are married, and that's just not gonna happen.  Why am I only attracting hot married guys lately?  That's just cruel.

Baby Blues

I babysat my niece for a few hours today while her parents went to see a movie.  This was my first time ever babysitting an actual baby, and it went really well.  The dog freaked a little having never really been around a baby, but he settled down.  She loved the dog.  We played and danced, an then she passed out on me.  It was so sweet!  I want one!

Frowny Face

I really want a cigarette right now.  I feel like I'm losing it.  I'm feeling angry and sad and let down and all that junk.  I don't have a person anymore.  I've made more friends than I think I've ever had, but they're all coupled off and I'm the spare wheel again.  Even the single ones have their own other single persons, and I just can't get in there.  I'm so flustered and I don't know who to talk to.  Everyone's out doing their own thing and isn't calling back.  I just don't know where to go from here.

Most of the time I'm pretty copacetic with my life.   I realize everything happens for a reason, and I try to enjoy the ride and not focus too much on the destination.  But I'm not really that kind of person.  I want a family and I'm tired of waiting.  I really just want to be happy again.  I guess tonight it just hit me once more.  Sometimes it feels like it's never going to happen.

March Madness

Spent the afternoon and had dinner with my folks today.  Mom got me thinking.  She asked how the ex was doing and if I'd talked to him lately.  Last week he told me his depression was getting worse, and I told her that.  She then said, "Sounds like you just need each other."

I actually dreamed last night that we got back together.  It was weird at first, and I remember thinking how we'd never be able to get back to how we used to be when things were good.  Then some time passed, and everything was great.  No awkwardness, just love and acceptance.

This month marks a year since we split up.

Up the Vitamins

I've been getting sick a lot lately.  I had several colds late last year.  I had the flu in January, several days of vertigo in February and now I've got what feels like the freakin flu again.  I just went back and looked at the timing of these past three, and they all arrived a few days before AF was due.  Could it be a hormonal or endo related thing?  I did some research and read about quite a few women who get cold/flu symptoms a few days before or during their AFs every month.  Apparently their doctors gave up because they couldn't figure out why.  I read somewhere that the immune system drops significantly between PMS and the end of AF.  Huh.

Looking Back

The ex and I have still been messaging, and it's been nice to be talking to him again.  He's moving in a few months and is in the process of finding a new job.  He has a working interview at a really nice restaurant soon, and yesterday he asked me if I remembered his first one in Birmingham.  I certainly do.  I remember a lot from back then.

I used to get so excited for and proud of him.  I got to watch his excitement when he was accepted to culinary school and then to his first cooking job.  We searched for that perfect hat for his first day and celebrated each time he got a promotion.  He came up with the most amazing recipes.  I'm really sad I won't get to be with him to witness and experience his career as it takes off.

Sometimes even now when I picture the future I can't see it with anyone other than him.  It still doesn't seem real.

No More Balloons

I feel like a really terrible person sometimes.  Just in one particular situation.  At other times I'm fine with it.  It's got to end though.  It's not who I am and it's not going to get me anywhere.  It's a temporary fix at best.  I feel like it could bring me really bad karma if it hasn't already.  Time to be done with it.

Waiting to switch the laundry so I can go to bed...

Bummin a little tonight.  Went to one of those host in your home parties with demonstrations and then the selling of stuff.  It was less than stellar.  Good food and wine, but also anxiety and self-seclusion.  I hate how I can physically feel it work its way over my whole body.

Now I'm home with no roommate, and I'm lonely.  I'm giving stupid eHarmony a shot again.  It's discouraging.  At least seven new matches daily, and not a one of them seems like a possibility.

There have been three guys on my mind lately.  One is now off-limits, one is now a friend without benefits, and one is my ex-husband.  The first still flirts and makes it so hard to continually say no.  The second is still as strange as ever.  And the third... well, we've been in contact a good amount lately, and I'm starting to miss him a lot again.

My realtor friend hooked me up with their lender who is supposed to be freakin awesome at getting people approved.  She didn't say no, but she did say it might be tricky.  I haven't heard from her since yesterday.  I'm hoping that means she's working her magic.  Oh yeah, found out my credit score is also freakin awesome.  That's gotta count for something, right?

Got an addition to my back tattoo last night.  Already ready to add some more.

Hurry up, washing machine!  I'm tired!

Movin' On Up (Trying To)

I fell in love this past weekend.  With a house.  With this house...

Isn't it purdy?!  It's a foreclosure and is a steal for the price.  It does need some work, but it would be fun fixing it up.  It's a no go though.  I applied for a pre-approval and was denied.  Debt to income ratio is too high.  Bah.

I've got a plan though.  I mentioned the plan a little while ago but never got the ball rolling with it.  Now that I have something tangible in mind now, I feel more motivated.  That house will probably be gone by the time I'm ready to buy, but there are quite a few in town that are just what I'm looking for.  I used to work with a girl who is also a realtor, and she's going to help me find the perfect one.  I can't wait!

Birthday and V-day

I turned 29 Sunday! I enjoyed it so much I think I just may turn 29 again next year. And maybe the year after that, haha. This is the gift from my parents, my new baby...

I love her!  Anyways, had a great weekend.  Went up to Raleigh on Friday and hung out with friends.  We had a fabulous time, and I came back Sunday to a wonderful dinner with the parents.  There was lots of cake.

I have a date tonight!  A friend at work and I are both single, so we decided to be each others' Valentine.  She's getting me flowers, and I got her her favorite chocolate.  We're going to see a sappy movie tonight.  Should be a nice evening.  Hoping it'll take my mind off the fact that I was proposed to four years ago today.  I had totally forgotten about that fact until last night, and now it keeps running through my mind.  It was such a nice proposal.

The ex and I have been friendly lately. Just through email and FB, but it's been very nice. I feel like I'm getting the closure I've needed.  I'm glad we're talking again and are becoming friends.  His dad even sent me a friend request again.  I wasn't sure how to take that and a few things he said, but I'm choosing to believe it's all in good nature.

♪ The world spins madly on... ♫

I'm gonna punch my ear in the face, if that's possible.  Stupid vertigo has been going on for three days now.  My left ear's been fuzzy, so I'm blaming it for all the work I've missed.  I just went to the doctor for the first time in years last month for the flu, and I refuse to go again this soon after.  Can't really afford it anyway, so I'm hoping it'll clear up soon.  Had it once last year, and it went away after a few days.  Strangely it disappeared the day AF arrived last time, so I thought they might be connected.  I started to feel better last night, and AF arrived today, so I was thinking I was good.  Wrong!  Came back with a freakin vengeance this afternoon.

I've got weekend birthday plans, dammit!!  I've got mini road trips to take and friends to see... tomorrow!  You'd better be gone by tomorrow, or else!!  I have nothing to back that threat up with, but I'll be pretty pissed.  I really want to be able to drive and sing really loud in the car tomorrow.  I want to chillax this weekend.  Do people still say "chillax"?

A Calm Morning

As much as I miss the physical contact, I now think the boy and I really are better at being just friends.  The conversation flows more easily, and we're more open about things.  We actually fell asleep talking the other night.  The next day was his birthday, and I decked out his house after he went to work that morning.  Then he invited me over for a movie the next night.  It's been good.

Been emailing a little with the ex.  Just polite conversation about the dogs and life, but it's been kinda nice.  I keep going back and forth about whether I want to try to open the lines of communication between us more.  I don't know if he'd even want that, but I feel like I may be emotionally more ready for it than I was before.  Maybe.

Not sure if I've mentioned this before, but I've started knitting.  Awesome roommate taught me how a few weeks ago, and I'm hooked.  Sounds boring, but it's so calming.  I'm starting easy with a scarf.  Some days at work, I can't wait to just go home, turn on some tunes and knit.  I get to be lost in thought or just zone out if I want.

Life is good right now.

New and Old

Trying out this mobile app, so please bear with me...

I think things with the boy have run their course, and we're back to being strictly friends. No more benefiting. I'm actually feeling kinda glad about it. He helped me through the rough parts, and I feel more confident now. I feel like that "need" to have someone there isn't as strong. I'm not hiding behind whatever it was we had and am more open to a real relationship if someone should come along. If it doesn't happen for awhile, that's okay. I have great friends and family all around and there for me. And a vibrator... it'll take care of the rest.

"Come Back"

I think I'm making more progress with getting over the ex.  Maybe.  I don't think about him as much, and when I do I don't dwell on it.  I don't think of the bad stuff as much.  Certain songs don't get to me as much as they used to.  Several people have mentioned how much better I seem to be doing.

I did crack a little last night though.  I spent a rather underwhelming dinner and a movie evening with the boy.  No touching or affection of any kind, and I took my cue and left when he announced it was his bed time right after the movie.  As I was driving away I kept wishing he would have asked me to stay the night.  It reminded me of when I left MS after packing all my stuff up.  As I drove farther and farther down the road all I wanted in the whole world was to get a text with the words "Come back".  I held out hope for a good hour as I drove east, but it never came.

I heard a saying recently... "You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one."  I'm so, so ready to turn that page.  Almost there.

I don't think I'm going to be the one to try to make plans with the boy for awhile.  I want to see if he still actually likes hanging out with me enough to call or if he's just not cutting the strings because he wants to keep having sex.  Or if he even calls at all.  Wow, I sound pathetic.  At times I feel it too, but usually not.  I know I'm not ready for an actual relationship yet.  But I like being physical with someone when I can, and I'd rather have an on/off thing with the boy than nothing at all.  I look forward to the day I'm ready for and find the whole package.

Bullet Points

I'm pretty excited right now!  Got my taxes done last night and am getting a good chunk of change back.  Enough to pay most of my car loan off so I'll only have a few more payments before it's totally mine.  Once that's done, I can put more towards my credit card and actually make some progress with it.  Then I can start saving for a down payment because...

I'm really considering buying a house again now.  The more I think about it, the more sense it makes.  This town is home, and I have no desire to move again any time soon.  My last mortgage was cheaper than what I'm paying for rent now, plus I can get approved for more than I did last time because I'm making more.  Not a whole lot, but every little bit helps.

I'm seeing the boy tonight for the first time in a couple of weeks I think.  I got the flu, then we both got busy and tonight is the first we'll be hanging out in what seems like a really long time.  I've kinda missed him.  It should be a mellow night... Chinese and a movie at his place.  My pachingo feels sorta broken right now, so nothing along those lines will be happening.  Thanks endo.

Work's been going fantastically.  My boss has been gone for a little while, and I've been holding the fort down.  I love how I know almost everything about that business.  I certainly should by now... started working there nine freakin years ago.  I was walking around last week, and it hit me how much I enjoy my job.  The people can be trying at times, but for the most part we're all simpatico.  Most of our clients are "regulars" and seem to appreciate that we know them and their pets so well.  Plus I get to love on their pets all day, and what's better than that?

Gotta go get ready for all that puppy lovin now.  :)