Today marks three years...

Happy anniversary, husband.

About a week and a half ago I took my ring off before getting in the shower and decided not to put it back on afterwards.  My finger still feels naked.  I'm so used to readjusting the ring throughout the day and find myself still making the motions to sometimes.  There's still a little indent on my finger where the ring used to sit.  I wonder how long before that goes away.

I wonder how long before this pain goes away.

Mileage count now around 4,200...

So the packing went well.  Stuffed it all in boxes and stuffed my car to the brim with all the breakables and things I'd rather the movers not mess with.  The husband worked pretty much the whole time, but we hung out a little the last evening I was there.  He made dinner and we watched a whole season of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia".

We got to talk some.  I asked if he really wanted to be alone or just didn't want to be with me.  He said it was the former, but I'm not sure.  He said what he wants has changed... he's not ready for a family, wants to be alone and travel.  I don't know if that's really the truth or not, but I'm trying to convince myself to believe it and let go of some of the blame I've put on myself.  I initially felt better after we talked, but I'm back to over thinking it all.

I'm wondering now if almost the whole time we were trying to get pregnant, he wasn't happy.  It makes sense.  He was on board the first couple of months, but after that we rarely had good timing.  I remember wondering if he was subconsciously sabotaging it... maybe it wasn't so subconscious after all.

He said he knows he should have spoken up a long time ago.  I keep wondering if we'd be where we are now if he had.

I did have a good time with the Charlotte friends though.  We ate a ton of sushi and fondue, but not at the same time.  That would be weird.

Another Day Down

I actually felt okay today.  I'm almost done packing my half of the household and could probably drive back tomorrow, but I want another day with my puppies.  The husband's going to take the oldest one, and I'll get the youngest (and our cat who's already back in NC).  Luckily he's able to keep both dogs until I get a place.

He wants us to go down to the courthouse tomorrow to start the paperwork.  I asked if he'd like to go to dinner afterward to kinda be able to say goodbye and get some closure, if possible.  He agreed.  I keep picturing it as some profound moment like you'd see at the end of a terribly romantic movie where the characters have been through a lot but realize that even though they love each other, they're just not right together and have to go their separate ways.  It probably won't go down like that, but I'm hoping to walk away feeling at peace with it all, or at least halfway out of heartsick.  We'll see.

I've never been good with change...

It's so weird being back here.  I'm home, but I'm not.  It doesn't completely feel like home anymore.  The house looks different, feels different.  He took down all our wedding pictures and any others I was in, which I totally expected he would have done, but it was still a shock to walk in and see so many bare walls.  Like I'd nearly been erased.

Another tough moment was seeing that he wasn't wearing his wedding ring anymore.  It makes complete sense... he doesn't want to be married anymore, so why would he keep wearing it?  I'm still wearing mine though.

We slept apart last night... me in the bedroom, him on the couch.  As he was getting ready for work today, I got up to let the dogs out, and in my sleepy morning haze I almost walked right up to him for a good morning hug and kiss as he sipped his coffee.  Then I went back to bed, but not back to sleep as I felt another wave of total shock and denial wash over me.

He still looks like the man I love, acts and talks like the man I love.  But he's not.  He's different now.  He doesn't belong to me anymore and there's nothing I can do about it.

The past few days and the entire drive down I felt so strong and confident that I'd be okay.  Being here though just keeps reminding me that the life I knew, the life I wanted to have with him is gone.

My heart is breaking all over again.

On The Road Again

I'm headed back down south.  I'm leaving tomorrow to go back to MS to pack all of my stuff up in boxes.  I figure I better do it now before I (hopefully) get a job.  Wouldn't want to ask for time off right after getting hired.  Gonna stay with some friends on the way there and back to break up the drive again.  They've been so awesome... I've stayed with them three times in the past few weeks and even had my cat with me the last trip through.  Their cats didn't appreciate us so much.

Not sure how things will go seeing the husband for a few days, but he'll be working a lot and I won't see him much.  I know we'll be polite, but I hope it's not as awkward as it was last time.  It probably will be though.  It's just an awkward situation all around now.

I've been doing okay.  I'm not in denial anymore and am accepting the way things are now.  I'm still sad and angry, but not as much as I was.  I'm actually starting to look forward to the future.  I'm sure the happy pills are playing a part in that, and I'm very thankful for them.  I'm hoping they'll help to curb my anxiety in some other areas of life as well.

I lied...

...I do still care.  There's nothing I can do though, so why fight it?  In a few months we should be divorced, and I can try to move on and start again.  This is killing me now, but I will be happy again one day.

I have an appointment with a therapist in a couple of weeks.  I've never talked to one before, but I'm really looking forward to it.  My antidepressants just got upped yesterday, and hopefully the higher dose will kick in soon and help a little more.

But for now, every day I feel like I'm about to jump out of my skin.  I keep going back and forth between knowing I'll be okay and not knowing how I'll ever go on without him.   I wanted to have a family and grow old with this man, and now I have to start all over again.  How will I ever find a man who I trust as much as I did him?  How am I supposed to let someone else get to know me inside and out as well as he did?  How am I supposed to trust at all again?  He promised me forever and then he changed his mind.  How do you go on after that?

It's Over

He sent me a text message tonight that said he wants to get the paperwork started on making our separation official.  Really?!  All that we've been through and I don't even get the courtesy of a freakin phone call?!? 

I can't believe that the man I fell in love with could ever do this to me.  Like this.  I still don't know exactly what the hell happened, but I don't really care anymore.  He doesn't even care about or respect me enough to call and talk to me, so why should I? 

I'm about to be divorced, and by the time I'm ready to TTC again I may be physically unable to have children.  I know that's being overly dramatic right now, but it's a real fear.

That pisses me the fuck off.

And just to add insult to injury I got a freakin ton of EWCM today.  Just another reminder of all my dreams going down the drain for a very long time.

Can't come up with a title tonight...

All I could think about today were things I did wrong in our marriage.  Times when I was insensitive and when he put up with all my "crazy" with no complaint.  Did it just wear him down?  I wasn't the only one at fault in all this, but sometimes it really feels like it.  I know I wasn't perfect, but I gave him all the love I had and still love him more than anything.  We had a lot of good times too.  I'm trying to focus on those now.

Tonight my left arm and hand started to get all tingly like I'd hit my funny bone or something, but I hadn't.  After a couple of hours of that my left leg and foot started to feel tingly too.  Could it be from the Prozac, stress or just my messed up back?  I was going to have a much needed glass of wine tonight, but decided against it just in case.  And I didn't smoke one cigarette today... or yesterday come to think of it.  Go me.  Yeah, I started again, but it's only been a few.  Shouldn't be too hard to quit again when I'm ready.

Can't come up with much else right now either, so goodnight moon.

My New Digs

Sleeping alone really sucks.  Especially on an air mattress.  I've got a memory foam topper thing to help make it a little more comfortable though.  So here's my room in my parents' house.

It's cozy.  Except I can't get the little heater to work right, so I'm either freezing or sweating my ass off all night.  We're about to have a little talk about how tonight's gonna go down.  My mom collects all things Santa Claus, and this room houses quite a few of them.  I like them though.

The cat settled in just fine and seems to like the room too.

My parents have both been so fantastic to me and are really helping a lot.  I'm still kind of a wreck, but I got some antidepressants from wonderful lady doctor last week and I think they're starting to kick in. 

All I think about is the husband.  All I dream about is him.  I miss him so much.  It was so hard not to touch him, kiss him, cuddle close to him at night when I was briefly back in MS.  At one point he was sitting at the computer and all I wanted to do was lean over from behind, wrap my arms around him and kiss his neck.  But I couldn't.  Our last kiss was when he left for work the morning I left for NC the first time.  Will I ever get to kiss him again?

I see all sorts of places here that meant something to us... the gas station parking lot I pulled into so I didn't crash while we had one of our first long phone conversations, the condos still in construction that we snuck into at night to look out at the water and almost kissed on the top floor, the picnic table in the park we were sitting at when he first kissed me, the coffee shop we used to go to and usually shared a grande, the ice cream shop he took me to for my birthday then bought me a "Life is Good" sticker at a little shop down the block, the old mansion we wanted to get married in at Christmastime... so many places with so many wonderful memories.  I wish he was here to see them all with me.  But more than that I wish I was there with him to share our lives together again.

Absence... heart... fonder?

If I weren't terrified to drive anything bigger than my Corolla I could be a fantastic trucker.  In the past two weeks I have driven over 2,500 miles, covering the distance between my home in MS and my parents' house in NC three times.  Each trip seemed to pass by a little faster than the previous one.  I bet I could even do it without the GPS now.  I did get a little distracted and missed an exit today, but that only happened once and only added about twenty minutes to the drive, so we'll overlook it.  So, why all the monotonous traveling?

The husband and I are now separated.

I can't believe I just typed that.  We're separated.  Separated.  I'm still in shock and partial denial.  He said he needs to be alone, and I'm now trying to respect his wishes but it's been the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  It hurts like nothing I've experienced before.  I forget how to breathe sometimes.  I feel like I'm in the middle of a terribly bad dream and can't wake up.  It's so surreal still.  When I first wake up in the mornings I'm blissfully unaware and content for about ten seconds, then I remember all that's happened and I can feel a wave of it all wash over my whole body starting at the top of my head and working its way down, tying my stomach all in knots for the rest of the day.  I look forward to those first ten seconds every day.

I stayed with a friend the other night to break up the drive and we were looking at pictures from when we were growing up.  I forgot about absolutely everything other than our childhood memories for about an hour or so.  When we were finished around midnight the first thought that came to mind was that I wanted to call the husband to tell him I love him and wish him goodnight.  Then I remembered that I couldn't.

I miss my best friend.  I miss my house.  I miss my dogs.

The cat and I are now living with my parents for a few months.  The husband did agree to reevaluate after a few months of being apart and us both getting therapy.  All I can do now is work on me and hold on to hope that he'll want to work on us down the road.

More later... it's been a long trip.