Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Small Update

So my mom's doctor thinks he can give her two or three years, and she had her second round (session, dose, whatever) of chemo this week.  She's weak.  She's in pain.  She feels sick.  She can't really do anything but sit.  It's incredible how much of a 180 her life has taken in such a short amount of time.  My brain almost can't understand how this woman who has been so strong my entire life now can barely get out of her chair.  It's been so strange taking care of her when she has played the caretaker role herself for so long.  How is it that my stepdad has more energy than she does and is now taking on more than I thought was possible for him?  He loves her so much.

At least things with the boyfriend are good right now.  I finally met the last of his immediate family a couple of weeks ago.  We've been good since he moved in and even bought a new couch together.  No big issues or little annoyances have caused any problems.  We had a nice little talk on the beach after a few beers last week, which was nice.  Just kind of reconfirmed that we're there for each other no matter what.

I guess that's it for now.  I can't seem to get much out even though there are endless thoughts running through my head.

Sunday, May 14, 2017

My Mom Has Cancer

Um.... what the fuck is happening right now?  I could very possibly lose both of my parents very soon.  How the hell is this happening?

A few weeks ago my mother started having some issues and went to have them checked out.  The doctors did numerous tests and procedures, and several days ago it was confirmed that she has cancer.  It's the exact same place my grandmother had it, but it's spread to other places in my mother.  It's not curable but is treatable.  She has her first appointment with a cancer specialist this week, so we'll know more soon.

I am just in shock.  She's always been my rock, and I can't even begin to fathom being without her.  Even now, she's so stoic about it all.  She says she's accepted it and is not scared of dying.  She doesn't want anyone to know, doesn't want a pity party, and wants my stepdad and me to remain optimistic.

I'm just... numb.  Even though she says she's not scared, she's got to be.  She says what worries her is the leaving people behind, and I can understand that.  But I'm so worried about what she'll be going through.  She says she has discomfort now, but no real pain.  She's noticeably weaker and loses energy very quickly.  She just retired and was looking forward to getting out and doing things, and now she can't.  It's so freakin heartbreaking.

I don't even know what else to say.  I can't seem to stop crying.

Happy Mother's Day.

Thursday, April 27, 2017

Spinning

I feel overwhelmed.  My mind is spinning, going from one trouble to the next in a constant loop.  Freakin AF just arrived as well, so PMS has helped to fuel the fire.

First thing, my stepdad is not doing well.  His doctor said he might have around six months or so left with us, and he seems to be going downhill quickly.  We've known it was coming, but it's still absolutely heartbreaking.  My mom has decided to retire early so she can spend this time with him.  She actually has stayed home this week.  Apparently he had such a hard time this past weekend that they thought he might be having a stroke.  It's all so scary, and I can't even imagine what he's been feeling.  I know he's been in so much pain and is miserable.

Much less serious, but still troubles my mind is my ex-roommate.  He's been gone for about a month, but just when I think I'm done communicating with him, he'll text me about something.  Yesterday he rudely asked where his security deposit was.  I actually sent it to him two weeks ago, but who knows why he didn't see that.  I don't know why, but whenever I see his name on my phone I run cold and start shaking involuntarily.  He never did anything to my physically, but I guess it affected me mentally more than I thought.  And I should have kept a lot more of his security deposit than I did because his room was nasty.  The walls were stained and required painting, there was mold, and the carpet cleaner I rented brought up a massive ink stain that has been impossible to get out.  And there's a funky smell that's driving me crazy.  Ugh.

I learned yesterday that my ex-boyfriend now has a daughter.  The ex who left me in part because he decided he didn't want kids.  Apparently it was an accident from a fling that must have happened the second he was out of my house because the kid is well over a year old now.  Happy for him though if he's happy.

My now boyfriend who I love so very much is moving in with me this weekend.  I had been so excited about it, but now it feels like a cloud is hanging over us, and I'm a little worried.  It seems he's been going through a life crisis of sorts.  He's losing his job in a few months and has no idea what he wants to do.  He doesn't really want to move to my town (although he says he is happy for us to be moving in together) and he really doesn't want to stay in this area in general.

Last weekend we had a talk in which he said he hasn't felt close to me lately.  And he's scared of hurting me.  From day one I've been very open about the fact that I want kids and that I need to sooner rather than later.  He's known that and seemed to want the same.  Now he's saying that he doesn't want kids soon and is scared that he'll be wasting my time.

What the actual fuck.

I'm really hoping that he's just freaking about the big changes happening right now and will feel better once his life settles some.  I've decided that I'm not ready to give up on him.  I love him.  I can see us being forever.  As hard as it has been to wait this long, he's worth waiting a little while longer.

I'm hoping it's just my PMS affecting me, but for some reason since the talk I feel all weird when I'm around him.  Now I don't feel close to him.  I don't feel that all-encompassing love.  I mean, I do, but I keep holding back around him now.  I'm guessing I'm just scared that I will give him the time, but he'll decide to bail.

Because that's what has always happened.  And I'm terrified to go through it again and find myself that much older again and potentially with even less chance of getting pregnant.  But I've made my decision to give him time and now all I can do is hope for the best.

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Trespasser

I'm frustrated right now, and life has been weird the past few weeks.  The major issue has been with my roommate of the past year.  I've been staying with the boyfriend over weekends lately, and the last few Mondays I've noticed a few things in my room that just seemed different than how I left them.

One day my ceiling fan was on, which I never leave on when I'm gone.  My old phone which I use as an iPod was askew on the dock.  Some built-in bookmark tassels were hanging off the shelf when I always have them tucked under the book so the cats don't play with them.  Then there was my computer.  The monitor was on, and I knew I hadn't left it that way.  I powered up the computer to find a message that it hadn't been shut down properly.  Hmmm...  I did some digging and found some files that had been accessed on a day I wasn't home at all.  Did some more digging and found the log stating it had indeed been turned on and off that same day.

Fuuuck.

Now my roommate had never given me real trouble before.  He lived with me for a little over a year and the worst he did was be a little loud in the kitchen at night and slam the front door on the way out to work.  Every.  Single.  Morning.  But overall, nothing too bad.  Lately he's been drinking.  Like, a lot.  There was an incredible amount of beer and liquor bottles in the recycling bin the past couple of months.  So I knew he was having some problems.

I decided to get a security camera that I could view over my phone.  Got a pretty decent one for not too expensive that has night vision and alerts me whenever there's motion detected.  It's not exactly tiny and is pretty obviously a camera, so I tried to hide it the best I could on a bookshelf surrounded by a bunch of knickknacks.  From a distance it kind of blended in, but up close it was noticeable.

I left as usual that weekend and was nervous all night.  We went to bed, and around eleven o'clock I was notified of movement.  Sure enough, he was in there.  He started out just petting one of the cats for a few minutes, but soon after he started snooping.  He went through my desk drawer then headed to the walk-in closet.  Unfortunately the camera angle couldn't entirely show into the closet, so I'm not exactly sure what he was doing, but he was in there for a long time.  I could kind of see him going through some things, and I know he was in my underwear bin because they were all disheveled.  (Eww.)  He eventually moved on to my bathroom and went through my medicine drawer and looked at all the stuff under the sink.

So the boyfriend and I were watching him as he was going through all my stuff, and I could not stop shaking.  I was so disturbed and knew I wouldn't sleep at all knowing he might go back in, so I asked the boyfriend if he would accompany me the hour's drive home and stay the night.  Of course he did, and we put a keyed entry lock on my bedroom door the next morning and gave him notice to vacate.  He moved out two days later and left a long, handwritten letter apologizing and calling himself every negative adjective imaginable.  He left his room pretty dirty and somehow partially moldy, so there's been some detailed cleaning going on.

I still feel kind of violated.  He never gave any indication of doing anything physically to me (although in his letter he stated how his co-worker suggested things he should do to me... he could have left that part out, thankyouverymuch), but my safe space was intruded upon and rummaged through.  At one point we thought he'd put a camera in my closet, but luckily we didn't find anything.  And I really don't know how long he'd been going into my room.  I really think it was just the past few weeks, but it's possible it had been longer and he'd just gotten sloppy lately.  Ugh, I hope not.  I moved my camera into the main room of the house with a view of both the front and back doors.  I'm just a little paranoid, but I'm starting to feel more at ease.

So now I have my house to myself again.  The boyfriend might move in at the end of the month, and if not, a friend of a friend is interested.  But for now I'm enjoying the solitude.

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

I'm sad today, so gonna write...

AF showed just before being five weeks late.  At that point I was just so ready for the waiting game to be over and to put the whole emotionally trying cycle behind me that I actually yelled out "YES!" when she arrived.  Luckily I was at home.  I spotted for a week after she was gone and have been having daily pelvic pain ever since.  This cycle is showing signs of being normal in terms of length so far, so I guess we'll see if I get back on track.

I'm actually really scared the endo is back now.  I was reading on my surgeon's website that it's pretty rare for it to come back after he does surgery, and that the pain is usually from something else and often adhesions.  So I don't know.  I want to call and talk to them just to get an opinion, but I'm scared of looking foolish and wasting their time.  And in reality, what can they really do?  Surgery isn't an option right now, and I have no desire to be put on any medications.  The pain isn't awfully bad, just an annoying everyday occurrence that I can tolerate for now.  I'm really just scared that my fertility is being affected again.

The boyfriend and I just had our six month anniversary, and he might be moving in with me in a month or two.  I can completely see him as the one, and we certainly are serious.  He even mentioned trying again when we found out I wasn't pregnant.  I'm really hoping we can try soon, and that's the main reason I don't want to take any drugs for this pain.

In other news, the boyfriend and I went out of town a couple of weekends ago to visit some of his friends I hadn't met before... a cute couple with two kids.  It was nice to meet them and just hang out.  We got in late Friday night and stayed up drinking and talking until 2:30 in the morning.  We all got trashed which mellowed us for the entire weekend.  We're not that young anymore apparently.  We took the kids to a park Saturday and did brunch Sunday followed by walking around downtown.  The boyfriend and I headed back early afternoon and just lazed around recuperating more for the rest of the day.  It was pretty perfect.

My stepfather was in the hospital for three days last week.  He's got end-stage COPD and he developed pneumonia.  It was scary.  Every time I saw him, he seemed okay, but he had rough nights there.  It's something like that that will eventually get the better of him, and every time he gets sick we get nervous.  He's been home for a couple of days now and is slowly getting better, for which I am very thankful.  His birthday is this weekend, and I'm very happy we'll be able to celebrate.

Thursday, February 16, 2017

Not Pregnant

I went in for a blood test yesterday, and the results came back negative.  Less than one mIU/ml, so really negative.  I'm now almost three weeks late for AF with her nowhere in sight.  Still having weird cramping and daily headaches, which are really annoying.  The nurse talked about hormones changing as you get older (just what I needed to hear right then) and said if AF doesn't show by Monday to call and a make an appointment to see the doctor.  Fucking awesome.

I called the boyfriend to tell him, and he was totally there for me.  He sounded bummed but was so strong and supportive.  He really has been amazing through all of this.  We just had the best long weekend together.  We went out of town for a few days and celebrated my birthday and Valentine's Day at his family's beach condo.  We had such a relaxing time and a wonderful fancy dinner.  I didn't drink at all, but you can bet I will be this weekend.

I'm sad.  I'm disappointed.  I'm scared the endo is back.

Thursday, February 9, 2017

Waiting Game

Here I am, twelve days late, still no sign of AF, still getting negative pregnancy tests.  WTF?!  Never in my life have I missed a period or had a cycle longer than 35 days (and that's when I was much younger).  I'm currently on day 42.  I just don't get it.

I told the boyfriend about it at the end of last week.  He was totally shocked and didn't know what to say.  Other than a few general how and when type things, we really didn't discuss it much further that evening.  The next night after he'd had time alone to process, we talked for a little while, and he said he actually wanted me to be pregnant!

Which made me totally fucking melt.

We talked about how I'd been feeling and how I'd been testing, along with other little things I can't seem to recall now.  But we didn't talk about the future or what we would do if we are pregnant.  And that's okay.  We need to find out first.

Which is what has been driving me crazy.  I keep reading stories online about women who didn't get their BFPs until waaay past when AF was due, and that's what I keep clinging to.  Apparently for some people pregnancy tests don't always work right away or at all.  Sometimes it takes much longer than you'd expect for the hCG to be detected by OTC tests.  I've tried three different brands of tests so far.  I started with a grocery store generic, then First Response, and finally ordered a 25-pack of Wondfos because the others are way too expensive.  I'm wanting to test every morning now, so I'm glad I got them.

Day after tomorrow I'll be two weeks late, in theory making me six weeks pregnant.  If I am.  I've been having weird cramping since last week.  It doesn't feel like normal AF cramps, which I've taken as a good thing and have been hoping has just been the uterus starting to stretch or whatever it does.  Then what I call ovary pain, localized on each side, started up and has gotten more intense with each passing day.  It's been mostly on the left side, which made me nervous about an ectopic, but today it's gotten sharper on the right side.  Then I started reading about pregnancy with endometriosis and how that pain could be from the scar tissue stretching or something.  I just don't know.  Oh, Dr. Google.

I've also had bouts of being not quite nauseous, but just a little queasy.  Almost every day, and I'm never like that usually.  I've also had a headache at some point every single day which is annoying.

Of course I'm thinking of other things it could be also.  The scariest is that the endo is back with a vengeance.  It really does frighten me to think of that.  The boyfriend is taking me out of town for a long birthday weekend, and I'm taking vacation from work next week.  If still nothing either way by Monday or Tuesday, I'm going to see if I can get in with my doctor for a blood test or ultrasound maybe.  I'm fully expecting them to dismiss it all and tell me that it's probably nothing.  But I know it's not.  I know my body and if I'm not pregnant, then this pain and being so late means something else.  It's not normal for me.

Either way, the boyfriend has been so wonderful and supportive.  I was voicing concerns about the endo last night and started crying.  He was so sweet and said we're going to get it figured out.  The way he said that "we" made me so happy.  The concern in his voice made me feel so safe and protected and like he would stay by my side no matter the outcome of all of this.  That feeling is incredible.

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Could it be?

I might be pregnant.  Probably not, but... maybe.  I'm late.  Only about four days, but I'm never late.  Every now and again I'll have a long cycle, 32 or so days, but not recently.  I've been Miss 28 on the dot lately.  I'm currently on day 34 with none of my typical PMS symptoms or tells that AF is on the way.  Nothing.  I tested the day AF was due and again two days later... both negative.  It's probably psychosomatic, but I swear my sense of smell is better lately and I was nauseous a few times over the past couple of days.  Along with a few other symptoms which could really go either way.

Logically, I know I'm probably not.  I know my body and when I ovulate.  I learned so much when when I was TTC all those years ago (OMG... 6 years now!?!) and it's stuck with me, always in the back of my mind.  Unless I actually ovulated at an abnormal time, we have been very careful.

I also started a mostly Whole30 diet again about two weeks ago.  That could very possibly be interfering.  I've only lost a couple of pounds though, so nothing drastic.  But still, the change could have done something.  Although the last time I started it and was incredibly strict, it didn't affect me at all.

My first reaction when AF was late was that no, this is not the time.  We've only been dating about four and a half months, and I want to do this in the traditional order... love, marriage, baby.  I know life doesn't work that way sometimes.  Fuck knows it didn't in the past.  I'm now less than two weeks from turning 34 and have endometriosis.  The time is right fucking now.  For me anyway.

He might not agree.  He's stressed about life in general and an upcoming job and possibly location change.  Along with some other personal things happening tomorrow.  I haven't said anything to him, not wanting to add any more stress for him if it turns out I'm actually not knocked up.  I was going to test again today or tomorrow, but I'm thinking probably Friday... after his stuff is over, so that if I find out I am I won't be keeping it from him for a couple of days.  I just want him to get through tomorrow.

I do love him so very much and have been hoping we were headed in this direction, so in my mind it's not a bad thing.  Not the best timing at all, but not bad.  Seeing how he interacts with his nieces and nephews and how he talks about them, I know he'd be a great father.  Before I told him about my previous TTC efforts and how I track my cycles, he mentioned we should be more careful since I'm not on any birth control.  But he also added that it wouldn't be the worst thing if we did get pregnant.  So there's that.

Part of me also wants this because it would have just happened.  No planning, no tracking, no anxious 2WW every month.  Is that selfish?  I know it sounds bad, but that part of it would be nice.  I did that for a year, and it took a toll.  I would do it all over again in a heartbeat if it ended with a baby, but it would be hard.

I guess we'll find out soon enough.

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Winter Update

It's been over two months... damn!  I really don't know why I don't write as much lately.  Maybe because when I'm happy I don't feel the need to get things out here?  And I have been very happy.  Most of it is due to the fella... actually the same one from the last post!

We've been going strong for about three and a half months now, and I'm totally in love.  I told him that a couple of weeks ago, and he said he felt the same.  He actually said that before he met me he'd been planning to move away at the beginning of the year.  He's not happy with his job or his current location and still does want to move somewhere at some point.  I don't know why I only seem to find guys who want to move away.  But I'm kind of at a point where I might want to also.  Maybe.  I go back and forth.  I did it before, and it didn't work out so well.  But I am older now and would hopefully be able to do it right this time.  I do want to settle down and have kids, but I would like to start that here because my support system, my family and friends, are here.  Maybe if we get that far he would be open to moving in a few years.  I may be thinking too far ahead right now... it's only been three months.  But that's what I do.

Work has also been a bit more stressful lately.  The work itself hasn't changed other than it being busier for the holidays.  My manager's life has changed though.  She's now back in the single life and trying to party it up with the younger employees during off time.  Which is nice for her because she never really had that opportunity when she was younger.  But they're all even more buddy-buddy now at work, and I feel like it's social hour all the time.  When I ask them to do something, it seems like they resent me for it.  But when she does, it's all good because she's they're pal now.  I need to just get over the high-school drama feel, but it's hard when you spend a majority of your time with these people.  And I'm now the oldest person there, so that doesn't help.

I'm going to be 34 in less than two months.  And I'm childless.  I started trying to get pregnant before any of my four "sisters", and now they're about to have seven children between them.  It's still fucking hard to face that.  Christmas was difficult.  Two of them (one with a big ol' pregnant belly again) with their spouses and three children gathered at their parent's house.  All of them paired off and then me, alone because my fella was out of town with his family.  Watching them all so happy with the kids running around and opening presents was so much harder than I had anticipated.  I don't know why, because it is every single time we all congregate.  But I thought maybe because I am now in a relationship with a hopefully promising future I would feel different.  Nope.  That ache of wanting a child of my own still overpowers everything.  The jealousy of my best friends having that.  Maybe one day I'll get to experience it, and hopefully that feeling will go away.  I just want a modern-day happily ever after... is that too much to ask for?

I said I was happy at the beginning of this, but maybe I'm not as much as I thought.  I ended up writing more glumly than I imagined I would.  Maybe it's just the stress of the holidays putting a temporary damper on things.  I've also been PMS'ing pretty hard this month and have been overly emotional the past week.

But I am incredibly happy with my fella and am so very thankful that we met.  Most of my people have now met him and they all like him.  I've met his family and some friends.  His parents like me, which is always a good thing.  He is my bright spot.  I hope we continue to move forward as happy together as we are now.