New and Old

Trying out this mobile app, so please bear with me...

I think things with the boy have run their course, and we're back to being strictly friends. No more benefiting. I'm actually feeling kinda glad about it. He helped me through the rough parts, and I feel more confident now. I feel like that "need" to have someone there isn't as strong. I'm not hiding behind whatever it was we had and am more open to a real relationship if someone should come along. If it doesn't happen for awhile, that's okay. I have great friends and family all around and there for me. And a vibrator... it'll take care of the rest.

"Come Back"

I think I'm making more progress with getting over the ex.  Maybe.  I don't think about him as much, and when I do I don't dwell on it.  I don't think of the bad stuff as much.  Certain songs don't get to me as much as they used to.  Several people have mentioned how much better I seem to be doing.

I did crack a little last night though.  I spent a rather underwhelming dinner and a movie evening with the boy.  No touching or affection of any kind, and I took my cue and left when he announced it was his bed time right after the movie.  As I was driving away I kept wishing he would have asked me to stay the night.  It reminded me of when I left MS after packing all my stuff up.  As I drove farther and farther down the road all I wanted in the whole world was to get a text with the words "Come back".  I held out hope for a good hour as I drove east, but it never came.

I heard a saying recently... "You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one."  I'm so, so ready to turn that page.  Almost there.

I don't think I'm going to be the one to try to make plans with the boy for awhile.  I want to see if he still actually likes hanging out with me enough to call or if he's just not cutting the strings because he wants to keep having sex.  Or if he even calls at all.  Wow, I sound pathetic.  At times I feel it too, but usually not.  I know I'm not ready for an actual relationship yet.  But I like being physical with someone when I can, and I'd rather have an on/off thing with the boy than nothing at all.  I look forward to the day I'm ready for and find the whole package.

Bullet Points

I'm pretty excited right now!  Got my taxes done last night and am getting a good chunk of change back.  Enough to pay most of my car loan off so I'll only have a few more payments before it's totally mine.  Once that's done, I can put more towards my credit card and actually make some progress with it.  Then I can start saving for a down payment because...

I'm really considering buying a house again now.  The more I think about it, the more sense it makes.  This town is home, and I have no desire to move again any time soon.  My last mortgage was cheaper than what I'm paying for rent now, plus I can get approved for more than I did last time because I'm making more.  Not a whole lot, but every little bit helps.

I'm seeing the boy tonight for the first time in a couple of weeks I think.  I got the flu, then we both got busy and tonight is the first we'll be hanging out in what seems like a really long time.  I've kinda missed him.  It should be a mellow night... Chinese and a movie at his place.  My pachingo feels sorta broken right now, so nothing along those lines will be happening.  Thanks endo.

Work's been going fantastically.  My boss has been gone for a little while, and I've been holding the fort down.  I love how I know almost everything about that business.  I certainly should by now... started working there nine freakin years ago.  I was walking around last week, and it hit me how much I enjoy my job.  The people can be trying at times, but for the most part we're all simpatico.  Most of our clients are "regulars" and seem to appreciate that we know them and their pets so well.  Plus I get to love on their pets all day, and what's better than that?

Gotta go get ready for all that puppy lovin now.  :)

Too good not to share!

I was just all down and depressed again and about to head off to bed.  Of course I had to check FB one more time, and thank whoever that I did.  I absolutely can not stop laughing now because of this...

It's THAT easy??  Why didn't anyone tell me about this magic baby dust when I could have used it, huh??

I love ending the day with a laugh.  No, it's not even nine o'clock yet.  Don't judge me... I've still got the flu, darn it.

Do you see those spots?

I had to go to see a doctor today.  The kind you see when you're sick, not a lady doctor.  I'd forgotten what that was like.  They didn't ask me the date of my LMP.  They didn't ask me when I took my last BCP.  I purposely didn't ask my mother to go back with me just in case they asked if it's possible I could be pregnant.  I would have loved the company while waiting, but I didn't want her to know I'm having sex.  (How old am I?)  Anyways, like I thought, it's the flu.  I'm not sure I've ever had the flu, so I figured I'd try to ride it out, but after three agonizing days in bed, I couldn't take it anymore.  Now I'm all for staying in bed on a lazy Sunday when you've got nothing better to do, but this has been pushing it.  I don't think I've ever felt this weak or achy.  Even just lying in bed hurts.

But all that bed rest has made plenty of time for thinking, and this is what has been at the forefront.  Hopefully it wasn't all the fever talking...

It's interesting to see just how much life can change in the span of a year.  I got another FutureMe letter this week written December 31, 2010.  It described how life was at that moment and the plans the ex and I had been making for the coming months.  It described him coming home after the first post-Christmas work shift saying how much he wanted a family with me.  It described our plans for battling the endo.  It said how much I loved my husband and what a great father I thought he would be.

Now, a year later, I'm wondering if I'll find another marriage-worthy fella anytime soon.  If not, I know I would have no qualms having a little one on my own.  After I get myself financially stable that is.  I have a fantastic support system and I know he or she would grow up feeling loved and important.

I find myself wanting to get semi-permanently settled.  I really want to buy a house and make it mine again.  I'm tired of renting.  Early nesting, maybe?

There was more, but vision is blurry now, so I think I shall retire back to boring bed.

Broken Record

I keep having the same dream.  I'm yelling at the ex telling him everything I'm thinking and am still angry about.  Things I wish I could tell him in person but probably never would if given the chance.  This is so frustrating!  I just want to let him go and move on.  I'm tired of still being hung up on him and being dragged down thinking about him.  It's almost been ten months since we separated.  Is it normal to still feel this messed up that long afterward?

I keep picturing him and his girlfriend and how happy they probably are.

I think I need stronger happy pills.