Friday, December 23, 2011

Weird Friday Night

I recently read an article about endo written by Dr. Cook, and a couple of things he said really got me thinking.

"It is not uncommon for... cyclic pain that can exceed the level of pain patients experience after major surgery."
I've never had major surgery, so I don't know about recovery pain.  I do know how debilitating my cramps can be, and it just seems crazy that they could be so similar.  Before I started taking birth control I would be out of commission usually for a day or two, and I'd fight to make it to school and/or work the next few days.  I remember the waves of pain, and how all I could do was try to relax and go with it, as trying to resist them only made it worse.  I remember being at work one day and having to sit down in the middle of the floor because I couldn't stay standing or make it to a chair.

"Grinding fatigue as severe as that experienced with advanced cancer is present in most cases."
I feel like I've been tired pretty much my whole life.  Many people have commented about my almost constant lack of energy, and I always felt weird because of it.  Could it have been because of the endo this whole time?  Tired = emotionally drained = overly sensitive = argh!  And combined with the drowsy side effect of the happy pills, I feel like a freakin zombie lately.

"Feeling like a vibrant desirable woman is long since gone. Acting like the loving compassionate woman, mother and partner that she truly is becomes more and more difficult. The stress on family relationships is common and real."
Especially the end part there.  It has definitely taken a toll on relationships - familial, friendly and romantic.  Going with the latter... I'm always paranoid during sex because I'm constantly spotting.  Oh, and the pain from sex itself is a constant threat to intimacy.  Both make a man lose it faster than he could fall asleep after he's done... if we even make it that far.

And on a different note... I sold my wedding dress today.  To a coworker.  I get to attend her wedding and watch her walk down the isle in my dress.  Was that really the best decision?  She did look beautiful though and she absolutely loved the dress.  Time to move on.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

The Thunk Echos

When I ended things with the past flame that I almost hooked up with last week, I used the whole "I'm not ready to be with someone else just yet" excuse.  He responded back with "Better do something quick before I get crazy and get married," which is what he said I had done.

Yeah, he got married today.

I knew something wasn't right before we even got together.  Some FB clues hinted that he had a girlfriend, but nothing said it outright.  When I called him out on it, he denied it completely and even commented that he then understood how rumors get started on FB.

What a fucking jerk!!  I feel so stupid, but so thankful that I didn't actually sleep with him.

Can I pick 'em, or what?

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Not Tater! A Tiger!

Got a unique call at work yesterday.  This is how it went down:

Me:  Thank you for calling ____.  May I help you?
Crazy Lady:  Yeah, I got this tater that I need to get looked at.
(What I heard was "tater", but I wasn't quite sure if that was right.)
Me:  You have a what?
Lady:  A tater.
(Figured I'd just go along with it and figure it out as the conversation progressed.)
Lady:  I need to get my tater washed and cleaned up.
Me:  Okay, have you been in with your pet before?
Lady:  No.
Me:  What kind of dog is Tater?
(My best guess.)
Lady:  No!  Not Tater.  It's a tiger!
(Okay.)
Me:  A tiger?
Lady:  Yes!
(Rolling with it being as nice as possible....)
Me:  Well, ma'am, I'm sorry but our facility isn't set up for tigers.
Lady:  It's not?  You can't bathe him?
Me:  No ma'am.
Lady:  (Sounding very disappointed)  Oh....
Me:  But good luck!

She had sounded pretty out of it, so I figured she was on something or trying out a really weird joke.  I had to post something about it on FB because it was just too good not to, and I got this as a comment from a friend:

"It's really funny you posted this because one of my other friends just posted that ____ County animal shelter was going to pickup a tiger while she was there...lol!!!"

After the call I had done a *69, and the number was actually from that county.

No other info yet, but interesting...

Sunday, December 18, 2011

*Thunk*

That's the sound of me hitting rock bottom.  It feels like it anyway.  Today I found myself apologizing for being who I am to a man who is basically a drinking/fuck buddy.  I like hanging out with him alone, but not really with friends.  Pretty much because he doesn't want anyone to know that we're "involved".  Plus the social anxiety has been bad lately.  He knows that about me too which really pisses me off that he's mad about it.  So I didn't go to his drunken Jeopardy marathon.  He knew I probably wouldn't anyway.

Anyways, he was mad about it today, and I let it fucking get to me.  I don't know why, because he's a self-proclaimed asshole and I completely know that about him.  I guess it just hurts that another man turned on me mostly out of the blue.  We smoothed it all over, but I don't know if I can keep doing this.  I know I keep saying that, but I'm not ready to let him go yet.

And here's where the thunk gets louder... I feel like a freakin whore.  I went out with a past flame last week and I pretty much knew all he wanted was sex.  I wanted it too, kind of, but I held back.  We were basically naked in bed together and things starting to get heated, but I told him AF was in town so I could have a little more time to think.  Do I really want another casual relationship?  Is it okay to have them if a serious one isn't anywhere on the horizon?  And freakin two at a time?!  Does that constitute "sleeping around"?  Cause I don't wanna be that girl.

Why am I putting myself in situations that make me feel like this?  This isn't like me at all.  Or maybe it is.  Male attention was something I craved almost my entire life but never really got before the ex.  Now I'm able to get it, and I don't want to let it go.  Is that wrong?

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Boy and Body Troubles

I was looking at old pictures of my ex the other day and all I could think was, "That's my husband."  But he's not anymore.  Some days I'm glad, some days I'm devastated that he's not.  Some days I'm happy to be able to roam and mingle, some days I miss the comfort of having my someone.  Him as my someone.  Some days I completely understand why we didn't work out, some days I still wonder why we didn't try harder.

Got the boy to open up a little more last night.  He hasn't been in a relationship for three years but says he wants to settle down and have a family, so I couldn't understand why he wasn't pursuing one now.  He said he's just not ready yet and still wants to wait a few years.  Maybe he doesn't think I'm the right one for him, which I totally get because he's not really right for me.  Either way, I feel better about the situation and about what is and isn't going on between us.

That being said, last night didn't go so well in the bedroom.  For the first time with him, sex hurt.  We tried everything, but it just didn't get any better, and we had to stop.  I tried my damnedest, but I just couldn't help it... I couldn't hold back the tears.  Not from the pain, but from the anger and frustration I felt because of it.  I still blame it for being part of what went wrong in my marriage.  I'm terrified that it's going to keep me from ever having a fully satisfying relationship in that regard.  I'm scared it's going to scare someone else away.  The boy was great about it, but I could tell it freaked him out a little.

It all makes me really sad.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Is the world trying to tell me something?

And if it is, what does it mean exactly?

When the ex and I were trying to get pregnant, we both agreed on the name Ellie Marie for a girl.  Ellie because I liked it, and Marie was his mother's middle name.  Pretty name, sounds good, kind of unique although Ellie is getting more popular.  Anyways, that was going to be my little girl.

Before heading to work today I checked Facebook and found this status from my preggo walking buddy:  "Ok, so we finally picked out a name, we can officially start calling this little girl Ellie Marie, it's a little different, but he said that Ellie was the name that jumped out at him and made him smile and Marie is after my grandma Hannah Marie. So she's got a little history with her own uniqueness :)"

Are you freaking kidding me?!?!  Not that I was going to be using that name for a future daughter anymore, but come on!  I stopped breathing for a second from shock and disbelief.  We talk about a lot, but we'd never discussed what we had chosen as our future kids' names.  How weird is that?

Obviously it's just a huge coincidence, but it certainly didn't feel like it at first.  All I could do was wonder what the hell it was supposed to mean?  It felt like it was too much of a coincidence to truly be one, so was someone trying to tell me something?  Logic has since kicked in, but it's still strange.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

In A Funk

It's been going on a few days now.  Thanksgiving was bittersweet.  Work's getting complicated.  Things with the boy are weird.  We're back to benefiting, but... I guess it's still just strange for me that there's no emotion behind any of it.  I gave the online dating thing another quick shot, but just got a bunch of weirdos this time.  You'd think I would have learned by now that is not the way I'm going to find someone.

Maybe I'm just truly not ready for any of it.  My boss told me yesterday that a year is suggested to get over someone.  I've also heard half the time you were together.  I don't know.  I do know that I'm still angry and resentful.  I look forward to the day when I can think about it all and feel okay with it.  Is that how I'll know I'm ready?  Will I ever be fully okay with it?

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

"Live Free or Twi-hard"

I just saw the new Twilight movie.  The first time seeing any of them in a theater.  And guess freakin what!?  I cried.  Only a little, but there were noticeable tears.  Was it at something tear-worthy?  No!  Was it when (stop reading now if you don't want details about the movie) Bella was walking down the beautiful freakin isle?  No!  Was it when she found out she was pregnant?  No!  (Although there was a "Really?  Just like that?" moment.)  Was it when she died?!?  No!!!

It was when she woke up crying because she dreamed she actually got to have sex with her husband!!!!  After the first time she'd been wanting to again because, duh!, but he wouldn't because he didn't want to hurt her.  Yes, caring on his part.  But she wanted it!!  She wanted to feel close to her man!!  She'd waited that whole freakin time to do it and then he wouldn't anymore!!!  UGH!!!

I also got sad when she said she couldn't imagine it being any better than it was.  All I could think about was if I'll ever feel that good from sex.  If I'll ever get to experience it like it seems everyone else does.

And guess WTF else!  My friends with benefits guy hasn't wanted to benefit lately.  The last few times we've hung out he's barely touched me.  Is it me??  Have I scared another one away??

So tired of these stupid men!!!

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Will the mourning process ever end?

I really, really miss the ex right now.  Maybe just because I've been immersed in things directly and indirectly related to him lately.  I've had my wedding gown for sale for awhile, but I went through our wedding pictures recently to get some of me in it to better show how it fits.  That brought back a ton of memories.  Yesterday I took pictures of my wedding band to put online, and this week I'm putting my engagement ring in an estate jewelry consignment store.  Yesterday afternoon I went over to the new boy's house to watch football and have a few beers.  We ended up getting pizza and wings just like the ex and our old roommate would on weekends.  I got really sad.  I really missed it.  Even as I was sitting with the boy.

I miss how the ex would put his culinary degree to work and come up with the most delicious creations.  I really miss the ribs he made.  I miss making breakfast for him in the morning.  I miss how excited we'd be to see each other after he'd worked a 48-hour shift.  I miss the notes we used to leave for each other.  I miss him genuinely smiling at me.  I miss that feeling of security with him and knowing that I had found my true love.  I miss him telling me how he wanted to have a family with me.  I miss the promise of the future we were going to have together.

I don't miss being in Mississippi.  I don't miss the insecurity I felt when I was there.  I don't miss being able to feel the distance growing between us.  I don't miss how we'd tiptoe around each other.  I don't miss the wondering why in the hell he wouldn't have sex with me. 

I like how I feel about myself now.  I like how I've learned about myself and others and have opened up to the world more.  I like how I've done things I never thought I'd be able to.  And to be shallow, I really like the feeling of having several guys interested in me.  I like feeling sexy again.  And I really like having sex again.

Everything else is just going to take more time.  Like always.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Looking Ahead, Kinda

I've dreamed about the ex a couple of times in the past few days.  But instead of yelling at him like in most of them, we were talking and laughing about some old memory or traveling together as friends.  Even in the dreams it felt weird talking to and being around him like that, but it felt like progress.  I wonder if we'll ever be able to be friends.  We're not in communication with each other at all now, haven't been for months.  I don't know about for him, but for me it just hurts too much.  It hurts to even think about him.  In the back of my mind I'm still mourning the loss of that life I thought we would have.  He was my person, the one who knew and understood me the best.  I miss that.

I don't know if I can keep doing this casual thing with the new boy.  I'm really enjoying the physical aspects of it (is it sad that I like the cuddling the best?), and I can talk to him but I miss that emotional intimacy.  That part of it is just not there between us.  Not that it's supposed to be with the "arrangement" we have, but I find myself longing for it.  And not necessarily with him anymore.

I have my own version of a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet.  It's the one from my friend's Blessingway Ceremony.  You're supposed to wear it until the baby's born, but I never took mine off.  I joke that it's my "What's Gonna Get Me Knocked Up?" bracelet, but it does serve as a reminder to do what I need to get my life going in the direction I want it to again.  I want to fall in love.  I want to get married.  I want to have children.  What I'm doing now isn't going to get me there.  Then again, it's still only been a few months.  I know I'm not ready to fully love or trust again right now.  I just really, really want to be.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Rebounding

Wow, I'm down to one post a week.  It feels weird not to write more.  I'm not sure that busy is the right word for why, but I have been more occupied with other things I guess.  I've been working about the same, but it's making me a lot more exhausted lately, which has been causing me to sleep a ton more.  Days and nights with no real plans I usually just nap throughout the day or crash really early.

Been hanging out with the boy some more when I'm not working or asleep.  I'm kinda confused about the whole situation with him, but am just trying to roll with it and not stress about it.  When we first "got together" it was with the mutual understanding that it was just a casual thing.  We enjoy hanging out with each other and just happen to do other things too.  But there's no commitment, no pressure for anything more.  I think I've purposely not let myself get too emotionally attached.  He says he doesn't want a relationship right now, and that's cool with me, but he kinda acts like he does.  To be honest, I wouldn't mind if we were to start officially dating.  He's caring, always calls and wants to see me every two or three days, whether we have sex or not.

When we're hanging out together things are great.  But here's where the casual part comes in... when we're around other people it's like there's nothing between us.  We're still friendly towards each other, but there's no hint that there's ever been anything more.  Our mutual friends all know that we've been hanging out and pretty much suspect that there's something going on, but he denies it.  Is that what casual is all about?  I really don't know since I've never done it this way before.  Am I just trying to read more into it than is really there?  I do have a tendency to do that.

Maybe he's just the perfect rebound guy, and I should be happy with that for right now.  Enjoy it for what it is and not over think it all.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Cross it off the list...

What a pretty damn near perfect weekend.  I got to do something I've always wanted to... I stayed in bed practically all day just because I could.  It was heaven.  Woke up late, dozed on and off, watched some movies and even a little football... Oh yeah, it totally didn't hurt that I got to cuddle close and, ahem, do some other things throughout the day with a certain boy "friend".  It was crazy fantastic.

Didn't get out of bed until about 7pm, and that was only to migrate to the living room couch to watch a really freakin scary movie.  (Scary movies aren't so bad anymore. ;) )  After that it was a little more football and back to bed.  Woke up late again this morning and lounged for awhile.  I thoroughly enjoyed myself.

Now I'm back at home, and it feels weird to be sleeping alone.  I really don't care for it much.

Monday, October 24, 2011

To sum up this fantastic weekend...

- Lots of drinking... tailgating, beer pong, $6.50 drinks in the stadium
- Panthers won!!
- Sunburned
- Favorite restaurant and then bar in my old neighborhood in Charlotte 
- Hit on by a lesbian
- Traded numbers with another lesbian... never been asked for my number in a bar before, so went with it.
- Inspired a revolution the whole bar got into
- "High fives save lives" - or not
- Tested out the door entry code to my old apartment building... it worked
- Shared a hotel bed and cuddled with someone new
- Woke up at 11am to *knock, knock* "Housekeeping", then "You leaving now or staying another night?" from a manager.
- Flirted and made new friends

It was a much needed weekend of relaxing and letting go :)

Friday, October 21, 2011

Weird Night

So, earlier this week I ventured into "friends with benefits" territory with someone.  Never been... thought I'd see how I like it there.  I'm not sure what to think.  Went to dinner and a movie tonight with him, some friends and some new people, and it was... weird.  Not sure how else to describe it.  It wasn't totally awkward, but it wasn't quite right either.  Maybe cause it was with people I hadn't met before first, and I just suck at that anyways.  I don't know.

What the hell am I doing?

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

I don't get it...

I hate freakin birth control.  Yes, I appreciate that it helps control some of the pain, but it confuses me.  Like, why am I still hurting and getting a ton of EWCM around mid-cycle?  Is that normal?  And why do my boobs hurt and swell for two full weeks from when I "ovulated" and then stop on the day AF arrives?  I had to buy a bigger bra just for those two weeks.

And I'm still spotting and cramping every. single. day.  What's the point?!

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Umm...

Randomness is all I can get out right now...

I guess my decision to go public on facebook earlier this year about endo really did help spread some awareness.  Got a message today from an old high school friend's sister-in-law who has endo.  She doesn't really know anyone else with it, and the friend I haven't really talked to in ten years gave her my name.  Thought that was cool.

Got a haircut today.  Like an actual haircut, not just a trim.  This is the first time I've done that in a really, really long time.  It still sits below my shoulders, but it's definitely shorter and has a ton of freakin layers in it.  Haven't decided yet what I think about it.  Hopefully I won't regret it in the morning. 

Got to watch the first new episode of Dexter today!

I'm picking up extra hours at work this weekend to get a little OT to help pay for my fantastic trip next weekend.  Going to Charlotte to see another Carolina Panthers game!  I'm excited.  Gonna visit favorite places and tailgate with new friends.  And guess who's going...

The boy!  Who's definitely not freaking out anymore.  Who I definitely took some more positive steps with last night.  Who really seems to dig me as much as I do him.

I'm pretty happy right now.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Once Again

The boy is confusing me, but that's okay.  We took a couple of good steps forward yesterday, but he's the one doing the freaking out.  I really thought it would be me.  He's been hurt in the past and is convinced he's pretty much no good for anyone.  I tell him he's a gentleman, he insists he's an asshole.  He says he's terrible at relationships and makes it sound like any potential between us is doomed, but he says he wants us to give it a shot.  He's scared.  So am I.  I'm really looking forward to seeing how this all unfolds.  I really like him.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

They say we're hard to figure out...

I think men will always be a mystery to me.  Had a third date yesterday and it ended with us both totally drunk in his bed.  And what happened??  Absolutely nothing.  All night long.  We stayed up until about 4am, and he didn't touch me once the entire night before or after we went to bed.  We had a great time talking, laughing, discussing politics and religion, playing cards, bonding over The Eagles and Fleetwood Mac.  We flirted and I sent very obvious signals, but he did nothing.  I could have tried to make the first move, but I really wanted him to.

Came back home this morning and talked to the roommate about it.  She's known him longer than I have and said that he is just the ultimate gentleman.  Which he is, and I really like that about him.  He makes mental notes of things I like and switches seats with me if I'm right under a vent in a restaurant.  He's genuinely trying to get to know me and even researched endometriosis today after asking me more about it last night.  He knows I'm still hurting from the divorce and is being very sensitive to that.

I think I may have found a good one.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

You never really know someone...

My mom and I had a girls day out recently and got to reconnect.  It was really nice.  She ended up opening up about some things that I'm not sure what to think about right now.  Christmastime is our favorite time, and we went to the store that starts setting up crazy early.  She mentioned how my step-dad isn't crazy about the holiday and doesn't want to put a tree up this year.  She then said that she thinks his divorce from his first wife happened around that time of year.  Totally understandable reason, right?  NOOOO!

When they first met, he told my mom that his other wife had died from cervical cancer, and that's what we have believed this entire time!  WTF?!?  Mom didn't even hear the truth from him!  She learned about it when she was filing some social security paperwork for him a few years ago.  The person had asked her about his previous wife and gave her a crazy look when she said that she had died.  How awesome a way to find out is that?  Anyways, she wrote him a letter about that and some other things he'd said to her when they first got together, but they never talked about it.  So he knows that she knows, but they just ignore it.  Have for a few years now.  It absolutely breaks my heart that she's had to go through all this alone.

I just don't get it!  This man that is basically my father has been lying to us from the very beginning.  WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?!?!

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Whirlwind Week

It seems like sooo much has happened since my last post.  I'm now an auntie!  I'm now officially divorced!  I made it to a second date!

To start out with, a beautiful baby girl was born Saturday evening after a very long labor.  Her mother was exhausted, but powered through like a champ.  It was absolutely beautiful.  I was official videographer and also got a ton of pictures before, while and after the beauty was born.  What an amazing experience.  The instant bond between the three of them was incredible and makes me want to strive to get there even more now.

Next, I now have an ex-husband.  Sunday night I got tired of waiting to hear something and emailed his lawyer to see if I could get any info.  Less than a half hour later he responded that the divorce had been finalized on Friday.  Wow!  We went back and forth with some emails, then he said that the decision between him and the ex was that he would email him the paperwork and the ex would forward it to me.  Since the lawyer wasn't emailing them directly to me (although I'm not sure if he even could since he's not my lawyer), I assumed it meant that the ex had something to say to me.  Either a final goodbye, it was nice while it lasted or something like that.  That's what I was hoping anyway.  Nope.  Nada.  Just a "Sent from my iPhone".  I don't know why I really expected any differently from a man who said he wanted to go ahead with separation paperwork via text message.

But on a better note... I now know what an actual second date is like!  It's pretty nice.  I met a guy at our housewarming party and have gotten to hang out with him a few times since then.  One night he taught me some card games, and we flirted a little.  We ended up exchanging numbers a little after that, and I invited him out with some friends for 99-cent Monday Margaritas to "celebrate" the divorce.  We ended up making plans to meet at a bar a little later after I dropped a friend off.  At the end of the night he invited me to dinner the next night.  We went to one of my fav restaurants then to a bar for some dollar PBR.  Gotta love Monday and Tuesday night drink specials, although a White Russian and a Long Island may have found their way in there at some point.

We click pretty well and he's crazy easy to talk to.  He asked about my marriage and we talked about kids.  I didn't really want to explain what endo was on a first date and told him I'd spare him the awkwardness of it, but he seemed really concerned that some disease was making me hurt.  I told him, and he didn't act grossed out at all, just in awe of what happens to the female body sometimes.  Anyways, we're planning to see each other again this weekend!  :)

Friday, September 30, 2011

Oh Baby!

More like no baby.  My preggo road-tripping friend was due last week and had been having contractions way before that.  I got "the call" Wednesday night that it was time, so I headed on over to her house where she's planning to have a natural water birth.  Still no baby now on Friday morning.  Her sisters and I waited, napped, ate when we could and helped her through each contraction yesterday.  Then it all slowed down and almost came to a halt.  No water broken, not in actual active labor.

It was beautiful to watch though.  Every contraction she would wrap her arms around her husband or one of her sisters, and someone would rub her back.  It was just amazing to see.  I got to be one of the amateur photographers, and her sister and I were documenting everything.

I'm not sure I'll get to see the actual birth anymore.  Thinking it was the real thing, I was able to get yesterday off of work, but not today or tomorrow morning, so I'm hoping it'll happen sometime tonight.  Well, for her sake I hope it happens sooner, but being selfish, I really wanna be there!  I had a semi-date planned tonight too, so not sure if that will happen either.  I'm so excited for her!  And I'm going to be an auntie!! :)

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

That'll Do

Another tale of me and inappropriate men...  The roommate and I had two friends over last night.  One is totally Mr. Wrong, but he was Mr. Right Now up until about 4:30 this morning.  Nothing serious happened.  We're not right for each other... I know it and he knows it, so it didn't get serious.  But it was nice to get a little cozy.  To flirt.  To touch someone.  To be touched back.  To be able to open up and talk to someone of the opposite sex knowing they're not judging me.  To know we do care about each other even though it would never work between us.  I've really missed that physical contact.  He gave me hope and assurance that I will find someone else.  I was so happy last night.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

My "Wife" and "Husband"

The roommate and I were joking around yesterday with another one of our fake marriage fights.  This one was, "The driveway is just as much yours as it is mine and I'm tired of you parking on the road!  Park in the damn driveway, woman!"  It was awesome.  Anyways, our fake fight ended with her "sobbing", "Okay, okay.  I don't want a divorce!"

That word, divorce, unexpectedly hit me hard.  My face dropped and my heart sank.  All I could think was, I'm about to be divorced.  I didn't want a divorce.  I'm married.  I have a husband.  Here I am in this totally different life now, and I have a husband who I still love (for the life of me, don't know why) living his own different life with someone else.  The reality of it all kinda hit me again.

I thought we'd be officially divorced by now.  The paperwork was filed in early June, and in Mississippi there's only a 60-day waiting period, so I thought this whole thing would be over in early August.  I started looking for the paperwork to be in the mailbox around then, although I don't even know if that's how it works.  Will I get a call from his lawyer?  Official messenger? 

I don't really identify with my married name anymore, and it feels weird signing and saying it still.  Although I don't really identify with my maiden name anymore either.  Maybe I'll go down to just my first name, like Prince.  Worked for him.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Toy Story

Just a warning... I'm getting very personal... about gettin' busy... with myself.  I've written about sex before, but not sex toys.  Here we go!

I used to have a bunch of toys.  Different shapes, sizes, materials, uses.  I obtained them before meeting the husband, before being devirginized, and before even hearing of (forget being diagnosed with) endometriosis.  I enjoyed the vibrators, obviously, but not so much the penetration-oriented ones.  Never could get one in without intense pain.  I could stick a big ol' tampon up in there, but forget the actual fake penis thing.  (Yes, they're different, but similar concept.)  Not sure what the whole hymen situation was back then, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't much to speak of after allllll those years.

Anyways, after I was officially deflowered by an actual penis, the toys felt a little better.  But still not great.  They went in a lot easier, but they weren't really anything special.  They ended up not getting used much after I got hitched, so they were all discretely disposed of.

Now, I've never really discussed toys with friends or done any interwebz research, so I don't know if they're really supposed to create an orgasmic experience on their own anyway.  I keep wondering though, like everything else, if maybe it's just me.  Maybe they just don't feel great to me.  I have talked to friends about their experience with sex itself and how it feels for them.  None have endo, and I WANT TO FREAKIN SCREAM!!!  Sex for normal people must be absolutely fantastic.  They use words like awakening, mind blowing, life altering.  I WANT IT TO BE LIKE THAT!!!

Anyways, back to the toys... I recently got my first glass one.  "Cleverly curved for g-spot stimulation" with an attachable 10-function bullet.  Waited a few days for the roommate to start a multi-day work shift because it was supposed to be a little loud, and finally got to try it out yesterday.  The bullet was freakin fantastic.  The actual glass... not so much.  Given, nothing resembling anything phallic has been anywhere near me, much less inside me, for about six months now.  It's possible I may have tightened right on up a little over the past half of a freakin year, but this thing really isn't very large in diameter (chosen purposely to "ease" my way back into the swing of things).

I made sure I took my time, played a little and was good and "ready" beforehand.  It got where it was intended to go, but it really didn't feel that great.  It hurt.  I couldn't even tolerate it that long, and here I am still in pain the next day.  Just like after actual sex.  How the hell am I supposed to have actual sex with a real live human man ever again without sending him running for the hills?!?!  GAAAAHH!!!!!

My boobs...

...are enormous.  ...really hurt.  ...are bugging the crap out of me.

AF is on her way for the first time since getting back on stupid freakin birth control, and I really don't remember if this is normal.  I don't remember this much pain.  I don't remember popping out of my bras this much.  I don't remember it lasting this long.  Ever.

???

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Love The Ones You're With

It seems crazy that people I met only three months ago have turned into better friends than people I've known for years.  My roommate, the girls at work, some of the random people I've met through them.  I already feel more connected to them than others I've known much, much longer.  We talk about more personal things, we make plans and follow through with them.  We really enjoy each others' company.

Maybe it's just me.  Maybe I'm finally comfortable enough with myself to allow other people in.  Maybe I'm finally starting to develop this skill that it seems like everyone else has had forever.  Maybe I'm finally growing up.

Whatever it is, it feels good.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Can't Buy Me Love

(Good movie, btw)

I'm selling my wedding dress.  My dream wedding dress.  And my engagement ring.  My grandmother's ring.  Both are very beautiful and mean a lot to me, but I need to let them go.  Emotionally I haven't been ready until now.  The decision about the dress wasn't quite as difficult as the one with the ring.  The dress is totally replaceable.  I look forward to finding a new dream dress for the next time.

The ring is different though.  It was an anniversary gift from my grandfather to grandmother years ago, and she left it to me when she passed.  They were both jewelers and she had many beautiful pieces.  This ring is an enormous rock and as much as I love it, I've always felt awkward wearing it.  Even if I put the stone into another setting, I would probably never wear it again and it would just sit in the bank.  Grandma wouldn't want that.

If I sell it, I could pay off all of my debts and actually be able to start saving for the future.  I could pay back my mom.  I could start a retirement account.  I could actually have more than twenty dollars left from each paycheck to pay for food and gas for the following two weeks.  I could eat more than pasta and yogurt.  I could start saving for a laparoscopy if I end up needing one down the line.

I want a family now more than ever.  I see all my friends with their beautiful children and I get heartsick.  Not so much for what I lost anymore, but that yearning still for what I've always wanted.  I thought it would have happened by now, and not to say that I'm old, but I am getting older and now is the best time to do it.  So I'm using that as a motivator.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Suddenly I See

I wasn't myself.  For a long time.  I'm wondering if I ever really knew who I was to begin with.  I knew I had a job and not a career.  I never really wanted a career.  I wanted to get married and have a family.  I was passing the time until that happened.

Then he found me.  Then I fell in love with him.  I thought he was all I would ever need.  He was the man I would spend the rest of my life being happy with, and together we would have a beautiful family.  Then we moved away from everything I knew.  Family, friends, my job.  And I was absolutely fine with it.  I'd always wanted to leave, and that was the perfect opportunity.  Besides, as long as I had him I was set.

Then the depression and anxiety that were always in the background came forward.  And they fed off of each other and just got worse.  I should have gotten help.  Whoever I was, if that was anyone at all, I lost her.  But it was okay, because I had him.  So I clung to him.  Too tightly.  And that pushed him away.  In my mind I knew what I was doing was bad for the relationship, but I just couldn't help it.  I wanted him to fill the emptiness I'd felt my entire life.  I wanted him to not want anything other than to be my everything.

As he was ending it all, I told him that he was my everything.  He said that that was wrong.  That I should be my everything.  I told him that was total bullshit.  And I believed it.  I still do.  But now, I see how I did need more than him.  I see how he needed more than I could offer at the time.  I'm still upset that he completely bailed on our vows and commitment to each other, but I guess I see part of his side a little more.

This has been an incredibly hard learning experience.  I keep wondering if I'm really growing or if the anti-depressants have just helped to calm me.  Since I started taking them, I almost feel like a completely different person.  The anxiety isn't as persistent.  The depression isn't always lurking.

I'd always felt like a basket case.  I'd always felt like there was something wrong with me, even though I didn't totally know what it was.  All that's not completely gone, but for the most part I really don't feel that way about myself anymore.  I almost feel good.  I do feel hopeful.  Well, right now anyways.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Blessingway

I had a wonderful experience yesterday... one of the best in my life, I think.  I went to a Blessingway Ceremony for my preggo road-tripping friend.  She's due any day now, and her friends and family gathered to offer their love and support to her and this baby for the rest of their days.  It was incredible to see all these amazing women creating such a circle of love.  I got emotional in a good way.  I teared up as we went around the circle and everyone offered blessings and expressed how much they cared and were so happy and proud for her.  

They told stories of their experiences with childbirth and offered advice.  I was overwhelmed by what a spiritual experience it was for so many of them.   We each gave her a special bead that will go onto a "power necklace" for her to wear during labor.  We took turns washing her feet in a bowl filled with essential oil scented water and flowers.  It was beautiful.  I felt peaceful and empowered.

I won't lie, I was a little jealous but more so I was truly overjoyed for her.  Her husband stroked her hair throughout the ceremony, and I was so happy that she has someone to love her like that.  They're going to be an incredible family.  Technically I'm already an aunt, but this will be my first real-feeling niece or nephew.  I can't wait. 

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Boys, Booze and Breakfast at 3am

That was last night, and it was awesome.  Drank way too much and had a good time kinda kicking ass at some new card games.  Went to work after about three hours of sleep, came home, crashed, and doing it all again tonight.  I feel like a stupid teenager, but I'm really enjoying my new friends.  :)

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Ten Things I Hate About You

Ah, Heath Ledger and his pretty hair....

Anyways, this is:

Things I Learned While With The Husband

- Love actually does exist.
- "Hold on loosely, but don't let go.  If you cling too tightly, you're gonna lose control."  Thanks, .38 Special.
- Trust your instinct.
- Men are really sensitive about some things no matter how much they act like they're not.
- As much as you want him to read your mind and just know what you want/need because you're really that in tune with each other, you've still got to ask for it.
- Don't move to Mississippi.  It's really hot.
- There's always something you don't know.
- You've got to talk to each other, especially about the hard stuff.  If you can't there's a problem between you two even though you think you're being sensitive to the other's feelings. 
- Yes, it was your fault too, but you've grown and know what does and doesn't work anymore.
- "If the sex is good, it's only 10 percent of the marriage. But if the sex is not so good, it's 90 percent. So do your darnedest to make sure it stays really, really good!"
- Don't ever, ever cry during sex.
- Women get hornier than men.
- If he says he wants to make a baby but finds an excuse not to do the only damn thing he has to do when it's time every single month, something's wrong. 
- If you practically beg him to get something medically checked out saying "It's important to me so I hope it's important to you" and he responds by yelling "I will never go to a doctor for this", something's wrong. 
-  Don't have a roommate when you're married, especially a single one who drinks a lot and stays high all the time, no matter how good a friend he is.
- He can't fix your daddy issues, but sometimes he can help you get over some of them.
- "Forever" doesn't last as long as you think it will, and even though he says he'll never leave you, he just might.
- If he gets a girlfriend right afterward and broadcasts it to the world when he was previously too scared to tell anyone he abruptly ended your marriage, he's ridiculously insensitive and isn't worth your tears.
- There is life after him.  It really sucks for awhile, but it will get better.
- If you have a beautiful engagement ring wear it all the freakin time because if things end you may never want to wear it ever again, even if it was your grandmother's.
- "Boys are stupid... throw rocks at them."

That was a few more than ten, but oh fucking well.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Irene

This is my smiling puppy at the park today.


A few days ago that park was under an enormous amount of water.  Today, trees were down all around and picnic tables that had been secured to the ground in concrete were moved to new locations as determined by Hurricane Irene.

This is what she did at my house.



Moments before it fell, I was looking at it through my roommate's window and watching the swing attached to a strong branch blow from side to side.  I decided that the wind had calmed down just enough to take the puppy out, since he hadn't been out since the storm had arrived and had to go.  So I walked to the front door to get his leash, and then I turned around and looked outside again through the back door.  The tree was down.  In a matter of what couldn't have been more than fifteen seconds this huge piece of the earth just tumbled down.  Thank goodness it fell the way it did and not the other and onto the house.

I got lucky.  During the past two days I've talked to so many people who have lost absolutely everything.  Their houses, cars, all personal belongings.  But they still had their pets, and they needed a safe place to put their precious family members until they can figure out how they're going to regroup and start over.  It's been absolutely heartbreaking hearing all of their stories.  I'm glad we can help to give them one less thing to worry about for a little while.

In 1999 my best friends lost their house and most of their belongings to flooding caused by Hurricane Floyd.  The water rose to just under the top of their chimney.  During this storm, a friend awoke to her yard completely flooded.  At one point she posted pictures and stated pretty matter-of-factually that her home would soon be too.  I immediately told her that her family could stay with me, but she said, "Thanks but we can't get out now, its too late.  It will be in my house in about an hour I think."  I was terrified for her.  Luckily the water finally stopped just one inch shy of entering her house.


I know I whine and complain a lot here, but I am very thankful for what I do have.  As of right now my family and friends are safe and mostly healthy and happy.  They are what matter most to me, and I am a very lucky girl.

Monday, August 29, 2011

This feels so middle school...

I think I need to un-friend all of his family.  It really upsets me how upset I got at the fact that an in-law I will probably never see again in my life removed me from his online social media "friends".  I also get upset every time I check out the husband's page and see something new about him and his girlfriend or just his life in general.  I purposely only let myself look at it once every few weeks or so, but the fact that I purposely avoid it knowing I'll probably get upset upsets me.  The fact that I still see him and his family popping up on the left-hand side of the screen like we're all hunky-dory makes it hurt more.

I don't think I can keep doing it.  I think I need to get rid of all reminders, no matter how small, so I'm not dwelling all the freakin time.  Like my signature, it's another daily reminder that he and I are no longer and will never be again.  That he's perfectly content with another woman.  That I'm terrified once again that I'm going to die alone.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Minus One

His uncle unfriended me on facebook.  His uncle that said we could keep in touch even though we won't be family anymore.  This hurts.  More than I thought it would.  I didn't expect it from him.

I may have deserved it though.  I posted this as my status last night after a couple of drinks and a day of emotional pain that led to a lot of anger:  "Come on Chancery Court of freakin Mississippi... I've got things to do."  And by things I meant trying to move on.  Every time I sign my married name I'm reminded of what I've lost.  I just want to change it back so it's one less daily reminder.

Was I in the wrong?

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Last Night

I had just reheated some pancakes and poured a glass of wine (not a weird combo at all!) for dinner when the roommate called inviting me out for a meal.  I'd already secluded myself once yesterday, so I figured I should accept this invitation with her and some of her friends.  I'm glad I did.  They're all disc golf junkies, and for some reason I love hearing them talk about it.  It's like a brand new world I'm just now discovering, although I don't have much of an interest in playing a whole lot.  But it's fun to listen to them talk about all the different aspects of it.

At one point I told them that, and I got this in response from one guy:  "We're just hippies who like to drink, smoke and throw discs at things."  My roommate then added that I fit right in, and I agreed.  Other than the smoking part.  And the throwing things part... well, sometimes.  But I am a hippie at heart and do enjoy the occasional drink or two.  Or three.  You know.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

♪ I feel the earth move under my feet ♫

I felt the ground shake yesterday, as did a lot of people apparently.  I was sitting at work and felt a slight rattling.  At first I thought it was just a big truck driving by or a helicopter passing a little too closely overhead, but then it got stronger and just kept going.  All the shelves started shaking as did the really big file cabinet right behind me.  Then it was over, and we were looking around asking, "What the hell was that?"   Never experienced an earthquake before.  And there's a big hurricane aiming for us and arriving this weekend.  Interesting weather week.

Feeling a little better emotionally.  I guess I just need a little breakdown every now and again to let out all that builds up.  Sometimes the enormity of it all slams into me and I can't ignore it anymore, as hard as I try.  I keep trying to minimize it in my mind, but this is still a really big thing.  I keep thinking I should be getting over it, but it's still only been a few months.  It really is just going to take time.  I still don't get how he moved on so quickly.  I wonder if he really has, or if he's going through the same feelings I am even though he is with someone else.

Stupid boys.  I'm tired of trying to figure them out.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Beaten Down

I almost lost it today.  Not exactly sure what... my emotional "stability", my sanity, my grasp on reality.  Whatever it is, it almost got gone.

I had a freak out.  Not quite a panic attack, but it felt like something close to it.  I've been feeling the build up all week, and this morning it all exploded and I forgot how to deal with everything.  I forgot that it is going to be okay one day.  I forgot that it has to be.  I don't feel like I know that deep down anymore.

I wanted to give up... on everything.  I still do a little, actually.  I just don't know how to keep going.  I don't know what to do.  I don't know that hoping it'll get better a little more day by day is going to cut it anymore.

I think I need more help.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

My Day Off

I miss my old doctor.  I went to see a new gyno yesterday for the yearly fun stuff.  It still absolutely amazes me how I let a total stranger stick her fingers and other things up in places that I'm terrified to let a new man go.  I'm not sure I like her either.  I told her how endo was found all up in there this time last year and to please keep an eye out for it.  She immediately spit out that a biopsy can't always tell you if it's endo and sometimes the only way to find out is when the uterus is completely removed and sent off for testing.  Really lady?!  Anyways, I got an RX for new birth control that's supposed to help with all the pain and spotting.

I really don't want to go back on the pill.  It's like another big ol slap in the face that my marriage is over and I won't be trying for a family anytime soon.  After each unsuccessful date I keep getting more and more insecure.  I really want to ask the husband what it was that changed for him so I can figure some things out with me.  He kept saying that he wasn't really sure and apologized for not having better answers, but I think he was just scared to hurt my feelings.  I wish he had talked to me.  I wish he felt he could.  I wish I had gotten on antidepressants a really long time ago.  On the other hand though, he didn't stick around when things were "for worse", so why do I keep wanting him?  Why can't I just let him go and move on?

I was a third wheel last night.  I'd forgotten just how much I hate being a third wheel.  The roomie and I had a sushi date, but she invited her boyfriend along.  At first I had absolutely no problem with that.  He's a good guy.  Then I remembered what it's like to be a freakin tag along.  I sat in the back seat while they flirted and he tried to discover the location of her newest tattoo.  A creepy old man kept trying to catch my eye at dinner, quite unsuccessfully.  Why do I always attract the creepy old men?  At least the sushi was good.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

What a freakin long-ass day...

Ladder yoga, a search through the woods and a really bad semi-date.

We're painting at work.  Some spots are less than easily accessible, so I did a lot of "yoga poses" on the ladder trying to reach said spots.  I'm the tallest of our little bunch, so I got to do this pretty much all by myself.  We've been painting during our down time for a couple of weeks now, and I'm happy to say that we're almost done.  The walls are mostly the shade of yellow you can see behind this beautiful new piece of artwork we just acquired.  It's actually a picture I took of my adorable puppy blown up huge for all who enter to see.  The manager is a photographer, so she's been excited about us all getting our pets up on the walls.


So I'm painting this afternoon when a client comes in to pick up her three cats that we bathed today.  So yeah, I'm painting, and the girls are helping her out to her car.  Next thing I know, they've taken off running.  That's never a good sign outside at work.  Apparently the majorly overweight cat's (appropriately named Big Boy) carrier broke, and he got loose.  Luckily he didn't head for the road.  Instead, he headed for the woods.  So that meant we did too.  We were in the woods for about half an hour before we finally caught him.  Thank goodness.  I sat down in the back yard afterward to try to catch my breath, but no.  I discovered a thousand tiny seed ticks crawling all over me.  The only spare pair of scrubs in the entire building were about a size four, which I am most definitely not.  Sigh.  I stripped down and changed into the mini clothes and went home for the remaining hour of the work day.  I don't think I've ever scrubbed my skin so hard as after all that.

Thennnnn, I had to get ready for a date/hang out thing with a guy I went to school with who is now home on leave from the Army.  We decided on dinner and drinks, but didn't officially name it a date or anything.  It was more of a catching up thing, I guess, since we hadn't seen each other in several years.  Whatever it was, it was pretty awful.  He told boring stories and I pretended to be interested as he drew them out.  When a silence fell I asked him questions about life and such, so he talked a lot.  I don't think he asked one question about me and my life all night.  I ended it early and almost killed us as I accidentally put the back half of my car into the really deep ditch on the side of his narrow driveway.  It was dark.  I didn't see it.  All was fine, but I had a little heart attack there.  I said goodnight as he hesitated taking off his seat belt, looking like he wanted to kiss me or something.  Really?!?  We just had that awkward of a night, and he thinks I'm kissing him?  Huh-uh.

Goodnight world.

Friday, August 12, 2011

What was in that?

I think I may have accidentally gotten slightly stoned tonight, but I'm not sure.  I went to a friend's house for dinner, and there was a small group there when I arrived.  Special drinks were served.  Then dinner was and it included a secret special ingredient.  Whatever it was, it was delicious.

A little ways into the meal I realized that I felt pretty good, but just attributed it to the lovely spirited beverages.  Then I realized I felt a little high.  Then a little more so.  After that I quit questioning and just went with it.

It is possible that I inhaled a few too many paint fumes today though...

Either way, it's been an interesting evening.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

I almost wish she was a boy...

I know this is getting old, but can I just say again how much I love my roommate?!  She's got a new job now where she's gone for 3-4-5 days at a time, and her latest shift started early this morning.  I miss her already, haha.

This afternoon she texts me from a bench where she's basically sitting outside a classroom for four hours while someone she's supervising takes the class inside.  She's not allowed to leave.  She just has to sit there.  So she texts me about an hour before I get off of work saying she's bored out of her mind and is about to fall asleep.  This chick is obsessed with some Starbucks, so after work I got her a grande of her favorite beverage and hung out with her for the remaining three hours of waiting time.  We had the absolute best conversation yet.

I love how this roommate situation turned into an instant new best friend situation too.  We've got the same viewpoints on almost every topic imaginable and have the best "fights".   Who's going to do the dishes... neither of us wants the other person to because she cooked or did them all yesterday.  How one took out the trash/recycling when the other said that she would.  How she's not going to pay a larger percentage of the bills just because she makes more money than I do.  I'm going to pay for your Starbucks!  No, I'm going to pay for your Starbucks!

I got extremely lucky.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Really?!

Can I pick 'em, or what?

So, Mr. Sure Thing and I have a history.  He's a good guy, but he doesn't always make the best choices.  I knew that and other things about him going into this, so why am I taking it so hard?  I think it really hit home today.

I have this thing where when I learn a guy I'm interested in or have been briefly dating has slept with a friend of mine, I immediately lose all interest in him.  It even makes me slightly nauseous.  Yeah, so Mr. Sure Thing slept with a girl I work with and have known for years.  He was her first.  She was fifteen at the time.  He was 25.

I just... can't now.

I don't think I've ever wanted to say FML more than I do right now.  I just need something to go right.  I was really hoping he would be it.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Ask, and ye shall receive...

So, an opportunity has presented itself.  A sure thing, actually.  Pretty much exactly what I asked for, but now I don't know if I should take it.  It's only been four months... am I ready?  Would it all work out fine or would it mess me up even more?  How do you know when you should go for it?  Or do you just have to give it a shot and hope for the best?

What do I want?  Do I care if he cares about me?  Would I be okay with the way things used to be between us?  Would he maybe want it to be more?  Would I be okay with it if he did?

Why do I make things so complicated?

Emotional Rollercoaster Much?

I went from tears of defeat to ones from hysterical laughing yesterday.  Over and over again it seemed.  I was on the phone with a client trying to make an appointment, but she kept talking to kids in the background... "Just a minute!", "Tinkerbell or Jasmine?", etc.  After awhile she laughed it off with, "Two and a half year-olds, ya know?"

No, I don't know.

And done.  Lost it at work.  Ugh.  My boss hasn't been helping either.  I love her to death and I know she means well, but it's wearing me down.  She had a hysterectomy a few years ago because of endo, but she never wanted kids.  I've been having a lot of pain lately, and she keeps saying things to the effect of, "Girl, I know you want kids, but you need to get all that stuff taken out!"  And whenever any unruly children come in, it's "You sure you want some of them?"  Every day.

Later though it lightened up some.  We got a new dry erase board to write specials and such on, and she walked me through the steps of drawing a cartoon dog.  I've never been able to draw well.  It looked really terrible.  A coworker came up and teasingly, but dead-seriously said, "You need to take that down before someone walks in."  And done again.  Could not stop laughing.  Several others took turns at drawing a cuter dog, but they mostly looked like cows.  Named Betsy.

It's the little things in life, right?

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Disc Golf

I've only played twice before, and my third experience with it was today in a freakin tournament.  My roommate talked me into it.  Luckily it was doubles, and I got to choose her as my partner... this time only.  Apparently if I decide to do this again, it's luck of the draw for a partner.

My first time playing was a little over a year ago, and the second was with her last week.  She said I'm a natural, and our teammates today agreed, so yay me, haha.  Definitely need practice though, and I can totally do that now because she bought me my first disc after the tournament today...

Isn't it pretty? :)  I ♥ my roommate!

The best part of this tournament thing?  The boys.  Cute boys.  There were about thirty people all together, and only three of us were women.  We went out to dinner with quite a few of them afterwards and had a pretty great time.  I had a couple of drinks and enjoyed myself thoroughly.

Thank goodness I'm not working tomorrow... I'm gonna hurt!