Sunday, February 24, 2013

Just a Phase

I've been questioning myself and my life a lot lately.  I'm hoping it's just a phase, but I've been beginning to wonder if I even really want kids anymore.  It's got to be just a phase.  Me, who's only dream since being a teenager was to fall in love and have a family, is questioning the thought of even having children now.  I keep thinking how terrible of a mother I would be.  I feel like I'm a mess and would not be capable of helping a little person become a happy, successful member of society.  I'm a socially anxious hermit (lately) who can't even manage to raise normal dogs.  How badly could I fuck up a kid?!

I haven't really wanted anything to do with kids lately.  When my best friend had her baby (who I haven't even met yet and am honestly not too excited about meeting [oh that's so terrible!!] ) about six weeks ago, it's like something switched in my brain.  I thought it was just the normal jealousy and sadness, but it's stuck around longer than I thought.  I hate seeing pictures of anyone's kids posted online.  Being around any kid gets me annoyed.  But I still babysit my "niece" and hang out with her and her mom every week, and that doesn't seem to bother me, so I don't know.  That's why I'm hoping it's just a phase.

Because if I really don't want kids, then what the fuck do I do with my life?  I still don't care about a career.  I do still want to find love.  Real, true, I can be myself without fear of him leaving love.  Maybe once I find that, my motherhood desire will kick back in.  Deep down, I think I really want it to.  That's why I'm hoping it's just a phase.

I think I just feel stuck and stagnant right now, and that's contributing to my insecurities getting the best of me.

That's why I'm hoping it's just a phase.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

The Big 3-0

So I'm 30 now.  It happened yesterday.  No biggie.  The days leading up to it had me in a state of minor excitement like I always am around my birthday.  I like to feel special for that one day of the year.  Yesterday morning I still felt it, then it kinda disappeared in the afternoon.  I guess you can only feel special to a certain point when you're at work all day, haha.  But it was a very nice day.  Work was easy, the weather was beautiful (sunny and in the 60s!) and I had friends over in the evening to celebrate with me.  Got some flowers at work from my parents and even a surprise gift from the ex-husband waiting for me at home during my lunch break.

I flirted all day with a friend through FB.  Back in our early 20s we made a "pact" that if neither of us was married at 30 we'd marry each other.  I got a FutureMe letter yesterday from 6 years ago reminding me of that.  He's the one who suggested it and didn't even remember.  It was fun to pass the day talking to him.  After reading that my 24-year-old self hoped I was married and had children by now, she also said something that has stuck with me more:

"If nothing else, I hope you're happy.  That's all I've ever really hoped for.  Do whatever it takes to enjoy your life.  There's no time like right now, dang it!  So take advantage of every opportunity, no matter how small."

Even back then, that was all I wanted.  And I'm totally doing that very thing today!  I'm going to look that house for sale from a few posts back in a couple of hours.  So very excited!

Friday, February 8, 2013

Sending Thanks to a Stranger

I remembered someone earlier this week and have been thinking about this person ever since. The morning after my ex first told me he wanted to take a break I headed back to NC. I dropped him off at work first and gave him what I wondered if would be our last kiss (turns out it was). Before leaving town I stopped at a gas station to fill up the tank, get some snacks and a pack of cigarettes for the road. It was pretty early in the morning and I was the only customer there.

I was fighting back the tears and trying my damnedest not to cry until I got back to the car. I was doing well until the attendant started making polite conversation. He made the comment that I didn't look the type to smoke, to which I replied with a slight forced smile that I didn't usually smoke much. Those words came out halfway decently. Then he said some more things, and as I replied a quick "Thanks, you too" to his "Have a nice day" my words got all garbled and the tears welled. Very embarrassed, I hurried out of the store and back to my car. I had to rearrange a few things and a minute or so later I got in the driver's seat. Right about then the attendant guy walked out of the store and right up to my door.

I rolled down the window, and he asked if I was alright. I insisted I was, but he kept pressing. He said he felt like he'd made me cry and felt awful. We were just having a conversation, and then I was all upset. He asked if there was anything he could help with and at some point even asked if it had to do with my husband. I lied and said I had some family things back home to attend to. He was then worried about how I'd be driving ten hours all upset like that. I told him I was used to the trip and would be fine.

He asked for my name then said something like "I will never forget that name and will always remember you. Will you please stop by when you come back to let me know you're okay?" I said I would. I think he told me his name was Joseph, but I'm not completely sure about that.

I did end up stopping back by when I actually left that town for the final time, but he wasn't there. I didn't want to ask "Hey, is there a Joseph that works here? Will you please tell him I'm okay?" That would have been weird. Plus, I remember him wearing a wedding band and I didn't want to potentially cause any problems or suspicion of such.

So, Joseph, if you're out there... I want to thank you for your kindness and concern for a stranger. I was in a rough spot, and you showed me compassion when I really needed it. I'm doing okay now.

Monday, February 4, 2013

Unsolicited Advice

"You're an older woman and no man is going to put up with your sensitivity. You're a sweet girl and I'd hate to see you scare someone away, so you need to control it better. Did that piss you off? Good, it was supposed to."

That's what my boyfriend said to me the other night. If you're a regular reader here, you've probably been wanting to tell me the same thing for a while. This is my place to come and vent and work through all my feelings, and I know I sound like a basket case sometimes. In real life I'm not as emotional as all that. Yes, I have my sensitive moments, but it's definitely not all the time. Most days I'm just fine.

I didn't used to be though. I did have some depression and emotional issues a few years ago, and the fallout from those is most likely the biggest part of why my husband left me (which makes what the boyfriend said sting that much more). I like to think I've made a lot of progress since then. When I do get sensitive I usually recognize and acknowledge it, give him a heads up and apologize if I say something I shouldn't.

So... first thing... really, guy? I did not ask for his opinion and did not appreciate him pretty much reaffirming something I'm paranoid about anyway. He couldn't have known I think about that on the reg, but still. I do the best I can every day, and if that's just not good enough? Well, it's a good thing we're going our separate ways in a few months.

Second... who the hell tells a woman who will be turning thirty in a couple of weeks and is not too happy about it that she is an OLDER WOMAN?! That's not me being sensitive (ok, maybe a little), that's him being a jerk.

Why do I let the words from a self-proclaimed asshole bother me so much? Is it because as much of an asshole that he can be, he's giving it to me from a guy's perspective? He said I could lay on him what I thought of some of his faults. I wanted to say he's a chauvinistic, racist jerk, but instead I told him I'm not that kind of person and that it would serve no purpose.

It is possible I may have been a little more sensitive than usual these past few weeks. I've been having some weird health things going on and my cycle has been weird. I thought for a bit that I might actually be pregnant. This is probably the only time I've hoped to not see that second pink line. Four times it didn't appear, so four BFNs. That's definitely for the best right now.

If I've learned anything from all this it's that I cannot and will not let having or not having a man dictate how I live my life. I'm not going to alter my personality just to get a man. The right one will love me for me, quirks and all. Taking it a step further because it's been on my mind, I'm not going to let the fact that I may one day meet someone and want to move again deter me from buying a house now if I'm able. I won't keep renting until I find a guy to buy a house with because the day for that may never come.

I will do what's right for me. If a man should come along, our lives compliment each others' and we want to be together, that's great. If not, then so be it. I've got friends and family and that will be just fine.