Saturday, September 26, 2015

Not even pregnant and I get an epidural...

How cruel is that?

I finally met with my surgeon yesterday and the disc has NOT ruptured again!!  He said the nerve root channel is narrower because of the amount of disc that has been removed and there's also scar tissue around the nerve.  So it's staying irritated.  The plan now is to get an epidural cortisone-type injection... eek.  But it's better than another surgery.  The other option is lumbar fusion which neither of us wants now!

The written interpretation of the MRI was put in my medical records online, and I found an interesting little tidbit.  "Numerous large calcified gallstones are present."  Isn't that just fantastic.  If I hadn't discovered that myself, no one would have told me.  My back surgeon didn't because he wasn't looking up there.  Is it his responsibility to tell me even though he's just concerned with my lower back?  Is he required to look over all the results, or just the portion he's tending to?  I really don't know.  No other doctor is going to see the results.  I've had no symptoms, so I guess I'll just keep an eye on that myself.

Moving on.  Surprisingly, for very brief moments the ex actually got me thinking about us getting back together.  All week I've had little thoughts creeping into my mind which got me remembering the good times we had.  Then common sense would kick in and remind me how emotionally unsupportive and distant he usually was.  I couldn't be happy with that forever.  Still though, it would be so easy to just fall back together, and I wondered about it.  But last night finally did it for me.  I dreamed we did just that and it wasn't good.  I regretted it immediately and wanted out, so I guess that's my answer.  Just needed my subconscious to back me up.

I've been practice talking to guys, if that makes sense.  I've never been good at conversation, especially on dates with men, so I thought I could take this time away from dating to work on my lack of skills.  There's a popular messaging app where you can pretty much make up your info and talk to people.  So I created one of those and started conversing with a few fellas.  They're all relatively local, but I didn't post a picture and haven't been quite honest answering some questions.  I fib on my line of work and particular details about my life just in case I were to ever meet them on the street.  Not that that's likely to happen, but you never know.  And you can't be too safe on the internet.  It's been fun so far, and maybe my next first date won't be so awkward.

Sunday, September 20, 2015


It feels like so much has happened in these last two weeks.  I had the MRI but don't know what it showed yet.  I was supposed to find out this past week, but once again the surgeon's office called to reschedule.  For a week and a half out.  So frustrating.

My roommate moved in last weekend, and it's surprising how similar she is to my old roommate.  Of all the different kinds of people in the world, how did I end up with the same exact one?  Not that it's a bad thing at all, we're just so very different.  She's very nice and polite, and I don't think we'll have any problems at all.  I don't see us getting close like the last roommate, and that's okay.  Previous awesome roommate is actually in town this weekend, and we're hanging out tonight.  Oh, how I've missed her!

My Whole30 is complete!  I lost eleven pounds over the month and all my clothes are so much looser.  I fit back in a pair of jeans I haven't worn in two years.  On Day 31 I reintroduced dairy.  I needed my coffee creamer, except now I make my own from organic goodness.  I had almost every intention of doing the reintroduction phase by the book, but I didn't. A client at work bought us lunch, and I indulged a little.  Nothing bad, but not what I was supposed to be eating.  And then yesterday I was doing well until...

The ex-boyfriend invited me out to dinner.  He's been texting me occasionally the past couple of weeks apologizing for all he did and asking if I wanted to "grab a bite."  Yesterday afternoon he texted a picture of our dog that he took with him and tried to start a conversation.  Then he asked me to dinner.  I've been so angry with him all this time and thought maybe I could get some closure, so I said yes.

He picked me up and actually opened the car door for me for the first time ever.  We went downtown to a restaurant we both really like and waited at the bar until our table was ready.  Almost immediately after getting our drinks (my first alcoholic one in over a month... it was awesome!) he started echoing his text messages with I'm sorry and I know I fucked up and if I could just turn back time.  Then he got down to it and stumbled over the words as he tried to ask if I would give him another chance.

He told me to think about it, but I didn't have to and didn't want to lead him on so I told him I wasn't interested in that.  He said he understood.  Throughout the meal he tried some more, asking if I was sure and saying he was ready for marriage and children.  I was firm.  Surprisingly, he actually teared up a lot.  After dinner we walked around downtown and ended up on a bench by the water.  He kept starting to say something, then would stop.  He eventually got it out which was basically more of the same, and I took the opportunity to say some things I never did back when it all it all went down.

I asked him why he cheated, and he said it was because every time he and I tried to have sex, he hurt me.  There it is.  Again.  Stupid fucking endometriosis and pelvic floor dysfunction.  I know that's not the entire reason and that he was the uncaring asshole, but come on!  I'm tired of sex being a contributing factor to my relationships ending!!!

As we walked back to the car he kept asking me to consider hanging out again and said he wasn't giving up on us yet.  I told him he needed to be prepared for not getting the answer he wants.  He took me home and asked if he could see my dog.  We went outside, and he actually started crying as they played.  It was sad.

I feel a little uneasy about the evening, but I'm glad I went.  I got to say what I wanted to say and I know he truly regrets everything he did.  I guess that's something.

Sunday, September 6, 2015

Memory Lane

So apparently my email saves sent messages for practically ever.  I was just looking through folders and found emails I'd sent seven years ago!  A lot had messages I was replying to also, so I got to read whole conversations.  A bunch of them were with my ex-husband.  Emails we'd sent to each other before texting was a thing for me.  Random "I love you" notes telling him how happy I was.  Emails with vendors to make arrangements for our wedding.  Trying to find places to live in Charlotte and Mississippi.  Really took me back to our happy times.  I kind of miss them.  Also a few sad ones about our failed relationship from us both written while we'd been drinking.  Interesting to read them all.

I really miss how amazing it feels to be in a happy relationship.  I've been wanting so much lately to try to find someone, but I really feel it's not the right time yet.  I've been talking to Dakota Guy daily, which has been amazing.  I'm pretty confident he's not the one for me, but just having a guy to talk to and do innocent flirting with has been phenomenal.  Now I just want it in person.  I want to cuddle and have sex.

I want sex not to hurt.  I haven't been able to go to physical therapy for my pelvic floor dysfunction, but I found a book that's supposed to be tremendously helpful with it.  I'm very much looking forward to reading it and trying out what it suggests.  I want more than anything to have a relationship that has absolutely nothing bad happening in the sex department.  All three of my past sexual relationships (yes, that's my number) have in some way been negatively affected by it, and I don't want it to happen again.  I don't think I could take it.

I do know one thing and that's if I ever do find a fella, I'm not bringing him home when my new roommate is here.  That's right!  I finally found a roommate!  She moves in next weekend and she's freakin gorgeous.  No way a man would want anything to do with broken old me when she's in the next room.  Why are my roommates always prettier than me?

Maybe that won't be for long though... I've lost seven pounds so far with Whole30, and I hope to lose even more!  I know that's not the main point of the thing, but I can't tell any other differences and need something to hope for.  Maybe if I stick with it I can get back down to my ideal weight.  It would be nice if I could throw in some serious exercise, but my back just hurts too much.

I'm scared about it again, too.  My surgeon didn't exactly sound hopeful when I saw him a couple of weeks ago, and the MRI is scheduled for this week.  I'm pretty nervous to see what it shows.  But I think I already know.