Sunday, August 31, 2014

It's been building up...

I need to write right now.  I need to get out what I'm feeling and work through it.  I really want to call someone and talk about it, but I don't know who.  So I write to no one.

I'm tired.  Of a lot.  Of general things, of specific things.  It's just exhausting.  I don't know what to do.  I don't know where to turn.

I feel like part of it is my fault.  I feel like I'm bringing it all down on myself.  But am I?  It takes two.  It takes a cause and a reaction.  Am I the cause?  Have I always been the cause?  Why is the reaction always so hard to deal with?  Why can't the reaction, just for once, be love and understanding?

Am I asking for too much?  Why, when I ask for what I want, what I need, is it met with defensiveness?

Why is everything so hard lately?  Why does everything take so much effort?

Am I happy?  Is this really what I want?

Will I get any sleep tonight?

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Flare-up #2

Last week, not one week after I'd "graduated" from physical therapy, my back started hurting crazy bad.  With my first flare-up I knew I had overdone it and was suffering the consequences.  This time I don't know what brought it on.  The day it started was just a normal day off at home and I was doing things around the house.  I'd been being mindful of everything I'd learned in PT and had been incorporating it all into routine life.  That afternoon my back got stiff and by that night I was in tears just trying to walk.  It was a different kind of pain; it was very central.  Before my surgery when I was having the terrible sciatic pain, not once did my actual back hurt.  But this time it felt like the weight and pressure from simply standing was too much for my lower spine.

I went back to the PT office the next day terrified that I had re-ruptured the disc, but luckily my wonderful PT lady didn't think so.  She said I would have been having the same sciatic pain had it re-ruptured.  Instead, she thought I was having issues with the next disc up.  I've seen her three times since then, and she thinks it's a good sign that I seem to be improving with each session, even though the progress has seemed much slower this time.

I had a follow-up appointment with my surgeon today and I was so nervous in the days before it.  My PT lady advised me that he may want me to have another MRI, and I was not excited about that thought.  I was thinking worse case scenario (of course) and was worried about what he would say and if that would interfere with the surgery for endo which is in just three short weeks now.

Nope.  He didn't seem concerned with any of it.  He said to keep doing PT and to come back in a month.  I then told him about the upcoming surgery and said I probably wouldn't be available in a month, so he made it two.  I also asked him about trying to get pregnant soon and how it could affect my back.  He reassured me about all of it and said, "Go for it."

I am so relieved!  Now I just have to focus on getting my back feeling better so that it'll be one less thing to be concerned about as the excision surgery gets closer!

Wednesday, August 20, 2014


Four little weeks!  Just under one month until my excision surgery!!  I'm so stoked and absolutely terrified at the same time.  I've been wanting this surgery for a very long time, and it's finally about to happen.  Having been through my first surgery ever just a few short months ago, I feel like I know what to expect in regards to the process of it.  I know the nervousness I'll be feeling when I get up before dawn to head to the hospital.  I know what the pre-op area and process will be like.  I know how getting the initial sedative and being wheeled to the operating room will go.  I know what groggily waking up in post-op will be like.  I know what spending 24 hours in a hospital bed will be like afterwards.  It could be longer depending on what they find, but I really hope it'll only be one day this time too.  (I don't know what to expect the day before with the bowel prep as I've never had to do anything like that before... eek!)

With the surgery for the ruptured disc the surgeon knew exactly where to go and what to fix, and I knew I would immediately feel better.  There's a huge element of uncertainty for me with this next one though as it's partially exploratory.  They'll puff me up and look all the way from the upper abdomen down, which is awesome but also just weird to think about.  It'll be very thorough which I am so very thankful for, but who knows what they'll find.  I have no idea what all of my organs will look like.

The plan is to entirely cut out whatever disease they find, roots and all.  I'm hoping the pain that the endo has caused all these years will be eliminated, but I'm nervous about the pain from surgery and during the recuperation time.  With my last one I felt better as soon as I woke up, having pain only at the incision site.  Well, and from the breathing tube... really hoping that doesn't happen again.  I'm nervous about the pain, but I know I can handle it.

I think I'm most nervous about the news I'll receive after surgery... whether or not he thinks there's a shot that I could have children.  Whether or not my reproductive organs have been affected by the disease and if pregnancy could happen naturally.  Whether or not the only dream I've had for my life will be able to become a reality.

I've been thinking about that aspect of it a lot lately.  I think possibly my brain has been preparing me for worst-case scenario just in case the news is not good on that front.  I've been exploring the possibilities of a child-free life and trying to put it in a positive light.  Thinking of things I'd want to do if adoption turns out not being a possibility (which would be very likely, at least for quite a few years).

I do occasionally think about it being good news and starting to TTC after I've healed from surgery.  I think about what it could be like to get pregnant and prepare for a little one.  To bring a new life into the world with the man I love and help it as it learns, grows and becomes his or her own person.  And as stupid as it sounds, I think about what it would feel like to not be so different and feel so ostracized from my friends.  To no longer feel the jealousy I've felt all these years as I've watched every single one of them move on to and thrive in motherhood.  

For the most part though I think I'd rather prepare for the worst and be happily surprised than count on the best and be devastated if it doesn't turn out that way.  Maybe that will change as September 18th gets closer, but for now, even though it makes me sad, it feels like the best approach.

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Uphill... both ways... in the snow

Things have been so up and down these past couple of weeks, and I've been stressed the eff out.

Down:  Everyone's pissed at someone about something at work.  The business is going downhill quickly.  A two week notice was given.  My manager is looking for a new job and/or may get fired very soon.
Up:  I may be manager soon!  That means more money!
Down:  I have no desire to be manager of that sinking ship and inherit all the stress that goes with the job!  I never wanted a career, I just want to be a mom... waaah!

Down:  The dogs have been fighting lately.  Well, one dog.  The dog the boyfriend and I got together has been attacking my dog for sometimes what appears as no real reason at all.  He put a big hole in my dog's side which led to an appointment for him getting neutered.
Up:  Luckily I work at a vet's office and got the patching up and the neutering at a highly discounted cost.
Down:  He turned on my dog again, and now we think it's got to do with something else.  It's been so frustrating because they were fine with each other for a year and a half.  Now all of a sudden one's turned into an asshole.
Up:  Free advice from the vet I work with, and we have some new things to try.

Up:  My youngest "sister's" wedding is this weekend!  Three-day weekend and a night of possible partying at the beach.  Gonna see all my sisters and their significant others.  We're all gonna get to hang and they'll get to know my boyfriend more.
Down:  It's more money to spend that I just don't have, including buying a new dress because nothing I have is appropriate or even fits.
Up:  Find a beautiful new dress online!
Down:  It gets here and it doesn't fit, and the tiny online boutique I bought it from only does store credit, and I don't like anything else they have.  My big fat stomach that has kept getting bigger since I can't fully work out yet because of my back and eating bad shit lately makes me look freakin big and preggo.  (Phew... that was a long one.)  Have to actually go to a store and try on dresses, but can only find one that is halfway appropriate.  Go home and cry because I'm fat. :'(
Up:  Decide to buy a waist cincher so I can wear the dress I originally bought, and...
Down:  ...even though it'll be labored breathing for a few hours...
Up: least I'll feel pretty.  (Yes, I know how ridiculous that sounds and is.)

Down:  Started painting the house and hurt my back again.  Two extra weeks of physical therapy just to get it back to where it was halfway feeling better.
Up:  Now it's better, and I may potentially only have one session left before I'm done with PT altogether!  Can go back to the gym and lose some weight!
Down:  Have no money to pay for the gym.  Maybe I'll invest in some free weights and work out at home.

Up:  Surgery is in six weeks!  Time is going by so quickly.
Down:  No real down for that, except maybe the cost, but that's okay.  I'm ready.

Okay, that pity party's over.  I think the ups and downs have felt so huge lately because the birth control and anti-depressant I've stopped taking are really making their way out of my system now.  My hormones are doing their own thing again, and my emotions are back to being triggered very easily.  With a combination from those, recovery from surgery and the nerves/stress of thinking about and preparing for the next upcoming surgery, I think my body's been through a lot these past couple of months.