Saturday, February 28, 2015

Stacking Up

Yesterday was a tough day.  It started out with me going over to my parents' house.  My step-dad is still in very bad condition, and as awful as it sounds, the truth is we're just kind of waiting for him to pass on.  I hate saying that, but it's been the reality for the past month.  Every day he loses weight and strength.  He's on so much pain medication that he's out of touch with reality most of the time.  It is heartbreaking to see him like this.  And for so long.  We really didn't think he'd hold on this long.  I've seen him like that so much recently, but for some reason yesterday it really bothered me.  Maybe because he seemed a little worse.  I don't know.

While I was there I learned that the girl I wrote about a few months ago passed away.  I hadn't heard much lately, but I knew she was bad off.  She'd been in a medically induced coma for a long while, and when they woke her up, she only had basic functions.  I don't think she was really there.  I don't know the circumstances, but she died yesterday I believe.  Her baby girl who was born at 26 weeks is now about four months old and doing well.  She went home a few weeks ago.

Within twenty minutes of learning that, I heard the news reporting of Leonard Nimoy's passing from end-stage COPD, what my step-dad is battling.  It's all so sad.

Then I went grocery shopping and was off the whole time.  Just sad I guess.  After that I headed home and played with the pets for awhile.  Then I got a phone call.  It was from my boss telling me that she had been fired.  She told me how it went down and then dropped a bomb... they had probably already replaced her.  And it wasn't me.  Which, now that I've had time to process, is really okay.

Knowing that this might happen, I've gone back and forth over the past year with what I would say if offered the job.  I didn't really want to be manager because of the extra stress, but if offered I probably would have said yes.  It would have been a good opportunity for my career and it would have been more money.

I can see why they didn't ask me.  I've had three surgeries in the past nine months which have had me out of work for the equivalent of three months.  Physically I can't do as much as I used to.  They know I want to get pregnant.  And to be honest, they know my passive personality.  Maybe they didn't think I could handle it.

On the other hand, I'm pissed.  I'm probably the most loyal and reliable person there.  I'm on time, if not early, every single day which pretty much no one else is, including the previous manager and the new one.  I don't call out.  I don't gossip or start shit.  I'm friendly to every person that walks in the door, and the customers love me.

But what I'm really pissed about is how they handled it, or didn't handle it.  I got a call from my old boss, and that was it.  She told me who she thought they had replaced her with, but I officially learned it when the new one posted it on Facebook.  Are you freakin kidding me?!  As long as I've worked there as assistant manager and as dedicated as I've been to that place, I really thought I would at least get a phone call from one of the higher ups.  They had to have known that I would feel at least a little slighted, right?  I believe at least a phone call with a little heads up was warranted.  Maybe Monday.

In the moment when it happened I was angry, and I guess I still am a little.  I immediately felt disrespected and undervalued.  About a year ago the "grapevine" said that they wanted me to be manager, and I suppose I'd been holding on to that.  I guess I've learned my lesson there.

I'm not going to enjoy working under a girl younger than myself who I actually trained years ago.  Knowing her personality, I'm not sure how it's going to go, but it should be interesting.  I don't start back for a week and a half, and I really wish I could be there when she starts Monday to see how she slips into it.  I'm afraid she's going to get all cozy with my temporary replacement and I'm going to be on the outside when I go back.  I'm wondering how she'll act towards me because I know that business and the day-to-day operations inside and out.  My old boss and I had good working chemistry, and I wonder if we'll develop that.  Whatever happens, I'll just have to deal with it.

In the long run it really is okay.  Deep down I didn't want that job.  I can still go in, do a good day's work and go home leaving the day behind me.  I won't have to worry about the business, the hiring/firing, the drama with the employees or angry clients.

And now that I've bitched and gotten it all out here, I feel so much better!

Saturday, February 21, 2015

Left Behind

I hope I one day get to participate in some of the things that only mommies get to share together.  The youngest of my four "sisters" is pregnant, so that makes all of them with little ones now.  I keep seeing them tag each other in Facebook posts about pregnancy, breastfeeding, toddler tactics, etc, and it's hard.  I feel so left out.  I remember when the ex and I were trying and I was so excited that I might be the first one of us to have a baby.  So much for that.

In fact, you know that one stereotypical friend that's always behind everyone else in life?  I feel like that's me.  I was always the single one in the teenage years and the one late to the significant life events.  I was sixteen for my first kiss and 24 before I found love and all that went with it.  To be fair though I was the first one to buy a house.  And to get divorced.  That's something, I suppose.

The other day my old college roommate announced that she's finally pregnant with her first.  Yes, I'm jealous, but she totally deserves it.  She's been trying for years and years and didn't think it would ever happen for her.  I'm so very happy that it did.

On the other hand, last week an ex-coworker announced that she's pregnant with her on and off again boyfriend.  She's been doing drugs for as long as I've known her, although she claims she's clean now.  I hope so.  And another ex-coworker gave birth about a month ago to a little girl.  We found out she was taking illegally obtained pills during her entire pregnancy.  I hope that beautiful little one is okay.  I'm not saying they deserve it any less, it's just hard to see.

Who am I to talk?  I'm not even officially trying and haven't been for a very long time.  I feel like I've been waiting forever.  Technically it's been four years since the ex and I split and therefore stopped trying.  Add that to the approximately one year we were trying... that's five years since I started trying to have a baby.  I went from mid/later twenties to early thirties, and fertility wise, that's a long time.  For me that's a really fucking long time.  We could start in a few months, but I'd really like to be married before we do.  The way things are going now, who knows when that will be.

I'm so tired of having to wait for the only thing I've ever wanted to do with my life.

Saturday, February 14, 2015

Suck Ass Birthday

Second back surgery was this past week, the day before my birthday.  One nurse said, "Anesthesia... the gift that keeps on giving."  Yeah...

Apparently it went well.  The surgeon said he removed a lot of scar tissue from the last surgery (that can't be good though, right?) and cleaned the disc out really well so nothing else would come out.  I don't remember much from the recovery room except answering some questions... maybe.  My room was just like last time, and I slept a lot.  I had a few visitors who brought flowers.  The boyfriend took me home the next day and I slept some more.

For some reason though, this whole experience has me feeling a little discontented.  During the pre-op visit with the surgeon the week before surgery his demeanor that day just bothered me.  I asked a myriad of questions about what exactly I should and should not do so that this doesn't happen again.  He answered them but basically said he wants me to live my life and doesn't want me to have to act like a 60-year-old in what I do.  He said to use common sense, but then was all, "And if it does happen again we'll just go in again and fuse."  Yes, we'd talked about it before, but there was something about how casually he said it this time that pissed me off... like, yeah, whatever, no big deal if it does happen.  That is a big fucking deal to me!  During that appointment I also brought up wanting to get pregnant at some point and asked some questions about that.  So yeah, he's had several patients have a disc rupture again during a pregnancy and there's not a damn thing you can do about it until after the baby comes.  That would be my luck.

Then the anesthesiologist bothered me.  He asked if I'd had anesthesia before and if I'd had any trouble with it.  I told him last time they said I woke up agitated.  He snapped back, "I don't care how you wake up.  We can give you more and knock you back out again."  I'm not sure if that second sentence is exactly what he said, but his tone pissed me the fuck off.

When back in my room after it was all over, I found a second IV in my other hand.  They had told me they would put in after I was asleep, so no biggie.  But it wasn't going to be used again after surgery and was very painful, so I asked at least five different people several times if I could have it removed.  I think I started asking around 9pm, which was nine hours after surgery was over, and it was finally taken out at 4am.  And apparently they had a hard time getting that one in because I have two other insertion spots on that hand and wrist that are majorly bruised and sore.  Third time was a charm, I guess?

So after it all I went home and the boyfriend was weird all day, like he always is after I have surgery.  He's very standoffish and doesn't console or anything (he says it's because he doesn't like seeing people in pain).  He didn't even get me a birthday present.  But he has been cooking dinner and doing everything around the house, and I guess that's how he shows his love.  And he did get me a card and told me he's ordered a present, so there's that.  I did get a call from my peeps at work on speakerphone, which was amazing and probably the highlight of my birthday.

We're not doing anything for Valentine's Day.  I pretty much can't anyway.  I made him a dirty card but can't follow through on anything in it.  Maybe we'll go out to dinner next weekend or something.

I've felt like a bucket of shit since I got home.  My back hurts so terribly.  The pain wasn't anywhere near this bad after the first surgery, and the meds make me feel so freakin sick.  I'm just miserable.  And home alone for 12 hours a day.  It's awesome.

And the fucking cherry on top came in a text message this morning.  One of my "sisters" sent a mass text to her sisters, mother and me just saying Happy Valentine's Day.  The mother responded with similar tidings, but of course also had to add in that "to some of the best mommies I know."  I guess that didn't apply to me.  RUB IT THE FUCK IN, WHY DON'T YOU?!?!

Man I'm bitching a lot.  I have so much to be thankful for... I made it through surgery which will hopefully stick this time.  My step-dad is still alive for now.  I have so many people who love me.

I just physically and emotionally feel like shit, so please excuse me.

Monday, February 2, 2015


I don't think that aisle thing is going to happen.  He's not doing well.  He's miserable and has been ready to "go" for a long time now.  He's on a ton of medication so I don't think he's in much pain, but breathing is so very difficult and he's very weak.  He's got a catheter so he doesn't have to make the long and slow journey to the bathroom all the time anymore.

I don't know if it's the meds or what, but sometimes he gets so confused and seems to be very foggy.  We'll be talking about one thing, and he'll come out of left field with something completely different.  Sometimes what he says is just gibberish and makes no sense at all.

It's so hard to see him like that.  He keeps saying how he doesn't want us to remember him like this.  Whenever he says it, we'll bring up a nice memory from the past to try to cheer him up.  Sometimes it works. 

He's so ready to go, but his body isn't cooperating yet.  The hospice nurse said that it can take a week or two for the body to start shutting down once a person hits the point he's at.  We're in the middle of week two now, I believe. She comes again today, and it'll be interesting to hear what she has to say.

This is all just so sad!  :(