Friday, October 16, 2015

Self Pachingo Therapy

Mascara is streaking down my face right now.  My pachingo and my feelings are hurt.  I want to yell and scream and kick something really hard.

So back when I had endo excision surgery, during the initial exam my amazing doctor man diagnosed me with pelvic floor dysfunction and prescribed physical therapy for it.  Since coochie PT is not covered by insurance, I did some research and found this fabulous self-treatment book that even was said to be recommended by therapists for patients who can't afford to see them.  Appropriate I thought, so I got it.  It said I should get some medical vaginal dilators, so I did and nearly shit myself at the thought of inserting the one sized XL.  No fucking way that was gonna happen.

So tonight was to be Day 1.  I re-read the chapter on self-assessment and got to it.  Damn if I didn't make it all the way to the big boy before insertion hurt.  I was pretty proud of myself.  Then it said to take the XS and do some poking around.  Fuck if that didn't hurt every fucking place I pressed.  I was still okay though.  I realized where the problem areas are (everywhere) and read the chapter about how to start fixing it.

Alright, so step one, insertion with the little guy again.  Check.  Step two, poke it where it hurts and hold it there for a few minutes.  Alright, I'll give it a shot.  I started where it said to and worked my way around.  Then it happened.  One tear, followed by another and another until I was bawling.

The pain started it, but then it was from frustration, then anger.  Frustration that I had to be dealt this card in life on top of everything else.  (Yes, I know there are much worse cards I could have had, but let me have my little pity party.)  Agitation that I can't have what it seems everyone else has... enjoyable sex without pain.  (Is that really a thing you can do sober?**)  Then anger that this has hurt not only me but important relationships in my life.  The fact that it was part of my marriage ending and what drove my ex-boyfriend to cheat.  And there was that punch in the gut again.  I just couldn't continue in that frame of mind.

I need to do this for me.  I need to be able to enjoy sex for myself (and with... I would like to be able to insert my vibrator) and eventually with an actual penis.  I shouldn't be doing it because I'm scared if I don't I'll never be able to keep a man.  As stupid as that sounds, it's a real fear.  I've learned even the seemingly perfect man isn't guaranteed to stick around if he thinks it's his fault you're hurting every time you make love.

I met this guy online a few weeks ago.  It was strictly platonic at first but the more we've talked it's grown into basically sexting.  We've never met, we don't know personal information about each other.  His profile pic is of his very well sculpted upper half, minus the face, and I don't have a pic at all.  A lot of our sexting leans toward the rougher stuff, and it's got me thinking.  What if one day we do decide to meet, hit it off and eventually head toward the bedroom.  He obviously likes it a little more aggressive, and I do too when I can stand it (read = drunk).  What if I can't do it?  Oops... there goes another one!  And there's that fucking fear.  Literally, also.  I should be able to have sex however the fuck I want and not be scared that it's going to fucking hurt.  And me thinking about this guy (sexy as he is) is me partially thinking I'll never find a lasting love so I might as well just stick with a fuck buddy.

And in all that rambling I guess that brings me back full circle.  I need to do this.  Period.  Maybe I'll call today a practice run where I worked out all the kinks (hopefully) and tomorrow can be called Day 1½ .

**Just now writing this I've realized why I always like sex better when drunk.  I remember saying to my ex, "Let's get drunk and have sex".  Most of the time he was fine with it, but a couple of times he responded with something like, "Why do you only want to have sex when we're drunk?"  I thought it was because it takes away some of my inhibitions, but I'm just now realizing that it's also because it doesn't hurt as much when I'm numb from the alcohol.  Maybe the fact that it doesn't hurt makes me want to do more.  I definitely feel it later and still the next day, but not during, and I guess that knowledge was stored deep down somewhere.  Huh.