No Matter What

I've been thinking about marriage a lot lately.  Maybe it's because the boyfriend and I are getting closer to official engagement and have been talking about it more often.  Maybe it's because we've been discussing other long-term plans more.

Maybe it's because I had a dream about the ex-husband a few days ago.  I think he was more symbolic than anything because in the dream marriage was forever by law, and he was legally required to move in with me.  We were sitting in the kitchen discussing our lives and what had happened between us in the past.  I won't lie... I woke up missing him a little.

But more than anything I was left wanting that forever-no-matter-what commitment.  Which I feel mostly confident enough to say now I think I've got with the boyfriend.  I would say I know I have it, but if I've learned anything from the past it's that people and minds change.  You just never know.  But I do know that he's the one I want to try to have it with.

I love him so much, but sometimes he makes me so mad and to the point that I wonder why we're still together.  Why I kept going back to him.  Why I still love him.  But every day he shows me how he loves me, and when I look at him, even through that anger I want my life to unfold next to him.  I want our lives to play out together.  I want to see what the future has for us.

I heard a part of Sonnet 116 recently, and it's been repeating in my head.  Who knows if I'm interpreting it correctly, but here's what I got out of it.  I like to think we have that strong love now.  I realize that I bended in the earlier part of our relationship.  I was the remover.  He is like no one I had been with before, and some of that scared me.  I didn't think I could be happy with him.  But then again, I'm not sure I was fully in love at that point.  I believe I was on the way, but I wasn't there yet.

My heart knew better though and wouldn't allow me to fully let him go.  It continued to tell me to give it another shot.  I'm glad it did.

Welcome, ICLWers!

Hi there!  This is my first time participating in International Comment Leaving Week, so I thought I would introduce myself!  I'm Amethyst, am 31 and live in North Carolina.  I started this blog back in 2010 when my ex-husband and I were trying to conceive our first.  Well, that never happened.  I was diagnosed with endometriosis about nine months in, and he ended our marriage six months after that.  I didn't see it coming and was devastated for a long time.

Since then I've been working on getting my life back on track.  I've been at my current job for around twelve years, minus about a year and a half when the ex and I had moved away.  I bought a house this past summer, and right now it's just me, my catahoula pup and spaz cat in it.  I've been dating a wonderful man going on two years now, and we're about to get engaged.  Hopefully we'll be getting married later this year and will start TTC (what I call my two pink lines trek) soon after.  All I've wanted my entire life is to have children.  We'll see.

I was diagnosed with endo at the age of 27 when it was found in my pachingo (vagina).  My gyno found a cyst behind my cervix during a yearly exam which she cut out (ouch!) and sent off.  The biopsy came back positive as endo, and I'm pretty sure I've had it since I was around twelve or so.  I've never had laparoscopic surgery due to lack of insurance and finances and I wonder every day about the status of my insides.  The past couple of years most of my pain has been manageable with what I consider my miracle birth control.  A few months ago the daily pain started creeping back in, and it seems my miracle drug isn't working as well as it used to.

Last week I attended the Million Woman March for Endometriosis in Washington, DC.  It was pretty fantastic.  The ten weeks before it I participated in a bloggers uniting thing with new "assignments" each week.  All of those posts are located here, if you're interested.

This blog is oftentimes like a teenage girl's diary... it's where I come to vent and work through thoughts and emotions.  It's my private place that no one "in real life" knows about.  Sometimes just coming here helps so much, even when what gets written doesn't make any sense.

Please take a look around and comment wherever you'd like.  I look forward to getting to know you!

Of Love and Hope

I just wrote a FutureMe letter.  The first one in a long time.  I couldn't figure out why I hadn't really wanted to write any for a long while until the other day.  I got one from a much younger and naive version of myself.  She was happily married and had just started trying to get pregnant.  She was hopeful and spouted out all the cliche "it'll happen when it's meant to" and "there's always adoption if it doesn't".  What the hell was I thinking??  I hate when people say that to me now, haha.

I've gotten a few like that recently.  I wrote a lot of them back when I was married and so happy, spitting out positivity left and right.  No reason not to back then, but I won't lie... even today they're still a little hard to read.  I think I've been scared to write about how happy I am now and potentially cause pain to my future self should things with the boyfriend not work out.  Because as I've learned the hard way, no matter how certain you may think you are of something, it can all change very quickly.

We've been on and off for almost two years, and he's now the most important part of my life.  He and I actually had a big misunderstanding this past weekend, and for a few hours I thought we might be over.  Those hours of anger and disbelief absolutely killed me.  I did not want to imagine a life without him, but that was all I could think about.  I was so scared that I was going to have to go through all that hurt again.

So, I'm very happy to report that our misunderstanding was actually just that and not based on any kind of truth whatsoever.  We got through it very quickly once we were actually able to address the supposed issue, and once again we came out on the other side stronger and happier.  I love when that happens!

Over the past few weeks, we've been seriously thinking about and starting to plan our immediate (well, later this year) future.  He'll be moving back in with me this summer, which is when he hopefully will officially propose.  We're planning on getting married in late fall and taking a fabulous honeymoon to somewhere tropical.  And sometime after that should be the resurrection of what I call the two pink lines trek!  I haven't looked forward to anything this much in a very long time.  What a fantastic year this should be.

I'm so freakin excited!

Le Sigh

I'm sitting at home on my day off having a cup of coffee right now.  But I should have just left a hotel in West Virginia and be heading back home.  I was supposed to get my old dog back yesterday.  The one it broke my heart to leave behind when the ex-husband and I split up.  Last week he decided he couldn't give her the kind of life she deserved anymore and had asked me to take her.  It was supposed to be a done deal, and I was so excited.  I arranged for time off of work and started making plans to meet him halfway.  Then he changed his mind.  Again.  I should have known better.  I think I cried for an hour straight when he told me.  Once again I had allowed myself to get my hopes up and once again I was devastated.  I'm not getting my little girl back.  :'(  He better step up and take better care of her.

I'm angry.  At so many things right now, and I don't know how to start getting them all out here.  And hurt.  By so many people and things.  I've been trying to work through all my feelings, but I think I'm just pushing them down.  Telling myself I've forgiven and moved on, when I've really just been keeping things amicable and trying to forget.

I finally got the anti-depressants yesterday and I don't even know what I hope they'll accomplish anymore.  I think I've felt crappy for so long now that I'd accepted it as the status quo of my life.  I've taken them before and I honestly don't remember how I felt when on them.  I remember running hot, being tired a lot and feeling a brain fog at times, but I don't remember how I felt emotionally.  Hopefully they'll do something positive.

I'm tired of crying...

So, I've been going back and forth with a guy for two weeks now about my old engagement ring. The ring which the money from could really help. He really wanted it and we were supposed to meet tomorrow.

He doesn't want it anymore. Oh, it's a beautiful ring and all, but according to his future mother in law and numerous girl friends, it's not right for an engagement ring.

Anyways, all that disappointment this morning, then I realized what day it is...

Today would have been our five year anniversary.

Just. Flippin. Awesome.

What's a Soul Mate?

This morning I've found myself repeatedly asking the same question... does it ever get any easier?  Life, love, etc.  Last night I babysat my niece and found a girl I didn't really recognize.  She's about a year and a half old now and has entered the "Mine!" phase.  She kept snatching books out of my hand and then trying to tease me with them.  She threw bath toys at me from out of the tub.  I hadn't really seen her like that before, and it was a little unsettling.  Made me scared to have kids.  Then she turned into the sweetest child and fell asleep on my chest.  I was so happy and sad at the same time.

Yesterday morning a new co-worker and I got to know each other a little better.  We talked about our pasts and eventually she asked why my marriage ended.  I ended up telling that story with welled eyes again.  It never gets easier, and I always tear up.  It still hurts.  She talked about her past relationships and how she's been cheated on multiple times.  She's been married and a Marine wife for six months now, and her husband is set to go off for more training in a couple of months.  She's terrified he's going to be tempted while away, and this relationship will end the same as her others.  I mentioned how I'm scared I'm going to fall hard again for a guy it seems totally right with, then he's going to change his mind and forget his promises.  How do you let go of the fear?  I told her to do her best to trust in the love they share.  Will I ever be able to fully trust a love like that again?

Among many other things, we also talked about being nervous about motherhood.  She has PCOS and is scared she'll have trouble getting pregnant.  She spoke of how she wonders if she'd even be a good mother.  I said how I have the same fears.  I really do wonder sometimes.

When I was at the medical trial place I ended up quitting because the ex and I were going to start trying again.  One lady there pretty much told me that mothers that struggle with depression and the like aren't always the best.  Kinda harsh.  She even said "I'm not saying you'd be a bad mother," although it seemed she was heavily hinting at it.  I'm always scared I would emotionally damage a kid.  Or end up not knowing how to handle him/her and turn them into a "spoiled brat".

Last night I tried to figure out the best way to go about handling my niece's attitude.  I stayed calm.  I told her "No, that's not nice" multiple times and ended up taking away everything she kept trying to throw.  I distracted her with other things and activities, and that seemed to work.  It kinda seemed like a test.  Maybe I could do it.  Maybe I could raise a decent kid.

Babysitting duty wasn't over until after midnight, so I just stayed over.  I came home this morning, and once again the fella acted like he could care less.  He asked how it went and everything, but no greeting hug or kiss.  I ended up watching a movie, and at the end he sat down at the farthest end of the couch and played a game on his phone.  The end of the rom com had a speech about fighting for your soul mate and doing everything in your power to not let them get away.  I remembered telling the ex how I was going to fight for him, and he simply replied that his feelings hadn't changed.  I was scared to fight with him and I guess I gave up.  I guess he wasn't my soul mate.

Are those things real anyway?

This blog is such a teenage girl's diary...

Yesterday kinda sucked.  It was the slowest day at work we've had in quite awhile and there was not much to do.  I cleaned a lot.  The boss lady taught me how to play Pirates Dice... that was pretty fun and would be a fantastic drinking game.

That afternoon I read a FB update that I'd pretty much been expecting, but totally threw me off the rest of the day.  The 18-year-old from the last post who got married a month after dating the guy... yeah, she's pregnant.  They're claiming they didn't know when they got married, but other factors are pointing towards they did.  No judgement, they're happy.  She even told me two years ago that she wanted to be married by 18 and pregnant by 20.  I just worry about her... she's had a really rough life, and I don't think she's worked through all her issues.  I'm hoping her new husband has stopped pursuing that other chick and will be totally committed to her.  But we all know how some men are.

Even though I was expecting this news to be coming soon, it hit me harder than a lot of pregnancy announcements, and I can't quite figure out why.  Maybe because it happened so fast for them.  I mean, they haven't even been together two months yet.  That's crazy fast.  And she's so young.

Again, I'm probably just jealous.  I still haven't gotten out of my funk.  I'm all doom and gloom in my head when I think of my romantic future.  I think I've just gotten used to the humdrumness that is my current relationship and am figuring there's no man who could actually find me attractive anymore.

I think the bf and I have kinda stopped trying to be anything close to romantic.  I take that back... I think he's stopped trying.  We're splitting up in a month and a half and he doesn't see the point anymore.  That's my guess anyway.  He rarely hugs me on his own accord, never kisses me unless I kiss him, never acts happy to see me at the end of the day... then again he hasn't for a really long time, and that's a big chunk of why we don't work.  I need to know that my man actually wants to be with me.  I need it to be obvious and not "Oh, I do love you, I'm just not an affectionate person."  I need an affectionate person.  Maybe I should stop being so affectionate towards him.  Maybe that will make the actual act of splitting up and moving out easier on us both.

I've been scared lately.  I'm scared that I've forgotten how to be and act in a relationship.  I've grown cold and closed off sometimes with the bf, and I'm scared I won't be able to open up for a new one.  I keep telling myself the right guy will love all of me, but in reality, will he?  Will someone be able to look past all the issues and realize I've been hurt and am now very cautious but really want to let my guard down and get close?  Will I be able to work through all those issues and know that it can be different with the right one?

I think it's good that I've been with this guy.  You can learn something from every situation.  I think I've just got to look at it like that and only take away the lessons learned from it.  If it works like that.

I'm still hung up on trying to do that with my failed marriage.  Some things are harder to let go of.  It's been two years, come on!  When will I finally move on from that??

But, now, to look at the positive... I'm off today and am having a nice, lazy morning.  I have plans to lay out in the back yard and soak up some more sun today.  I'm determined to actually have a tan this year.  Awesome roommate is coming over for a pancake dinner tonight since the bf is working late.  I went back to the gym yesterday for the first time in a few weeks and am determined to go more often, once this blister goes away.  Any day now we should be getting the appraisal back on the house, and if it's good, will move forward with the inspection.  I found some awesome bar stools for the house.

Life is good, and I will actually get out of my funk and see that once again.  I will get my head on straight one of these days.

Vacation Part 1

I got back from my little vacation yesterday evening.  It was very nice, but also emotional at times.  It started out by heading to Raleigh to meet up for sushi with past/future awesome roommate who happened to be there for the weekend.  We caught up and discussed everything under the sun, as usual.  I then headed to a friend's house to visit and spend the night.  We shopped for wine then went the the very top floor of her work building where she made us delicious coffee.  We sat to chat and watched a storm roll in...

...and then leave behind a beautiful sky once it passed.

We headed back to her place when it got dark to make dinner with her hubby and ended up talking and drinking until midnight.  The next morning she and I went to breakfast and talked more.  There's always a lot to catch up on when you only see each other a few times a year.

Afterward I got in my car and was getting music and such set up for the next stretch of driving to Charlotte.  I always look forward to cranking the music and singing very loudly and badly... that's why I love road trips.  I was just about situated when my phone alerted me to a new email, and I figured I'd check it before I hit the road.  It was from my former father-in-law.  I was pretty shocked because I hadn't heard from him in almost two years and wasn't really sure why he would be contacting me.

Things between he and I ended kinda weird.  I had emailed him when the ex and I were separated to kind of tell my side of things.  I said the ex and I both had our problems, but he was the one to end the relationship while I still wanted to try to work it out.  Apparently that's not what he had heard.  Anyways, I had emailed him back saying if he had anything negative to say that I didn't want to hear it.  I was still hurting and every day was a struggle.  He simply replied that that was fair, so I assumed he'd had some not so great things to say to me.  And that was the last I'd heard from him two years ago.

Against my better judgement I read his new email right then.  In it he said he'd been talking to his wife and discussing their children and prayers.  He wanted me to know that they still include me in their prayers and "still have good feelings" towards me and my parents.  And that he thought I'd like to know that.

Right there in the breakfast diner parking lot, I lost it.  I thought I'd come to terms with his dad and had let him go, but he still affects me apparently.  At first I thought the message was pretty nice, but then I did the girl thing and over analyzed it.  All I could think was, "DAMN RIGHT you better still have good feelings towards me!  It was YOUR SON who gave up, broke his vows and my heart!!"  I kept wondering what it was that the ex actually told his father back then, and it was all I could do not to ask him right then and there.  I actually typed out the message to the ex but ended up deleting it.  I told myself it would do absolutely no good and wouldn't change anything, so there was no point.  I've just got to accept it, come to terms with it and let it go.  I did the best I could do at the time with that situation, and now I've got to drop it.  (After I vent about it here of course.)

I am now with a cooler head choosing to believe that his message really was him trying to reach out with kindness.  At his core, I do believe that's who he is even though we didn't always see eye to eye.  I replied to him later that day with "I appreciate that and hope you and your family are well."

Anyways, the first part of my drive was full of tears and very little singing.  Every song took me right back there, and it's hard to sing and let go of your worries with a cracked voice.  It didn't help that there was road construction going on almost the entire drive... not conducive to any of it.

That was half the journey.  The second half will have to wait because it's time to get ready for my professional massages now!  :)

Blah, blah, blah... funny video

This is the second Christmas season without the husband, and a much as I hate to say it, I still miss him.  I don't dwell on it most of the time anymore, but every now and then I do think about it.  He just got me, and the more time that passes, the more less likely it seems that I'll be able to find that with another person.  (Other than my ex-roommate turned best friend... she totally gets me, but it's just not quite the same, haha.)

Things with the boyfriend have been amazing lately, and I do love him, but it doesn't feel the same as it did with the ex-husband.  I know it's not supposed to, but there are several things that are missing.  I think one is that "can't live without you and don't even wanna think about trying" feeling.  I'm sad it's not there.  I thought it was in the beginning, but a lot of that was lust and also just really wanting to find the one and settle down so damn badly.

I think I'm just scared right now.  I'm in a relationship that is supposed to end in a few months, which is just weird.  He said the other night he wasn't sure he wants it to end.  Sometimes I do wonder if maybe we could be right for each other.  We've still got time, and maybe those feelings can develop.  But then again, if they were going to be there, shouldn't they already be by now?  I don't want to trick myself into believing they are just because I'm scared of starting over again.

I keep wanting to find a man that's totally right for me, but what if there isn't one?  What if I have him now and am blowing it?  I'm over thinking things right now, geez.  In my heart I feel I will find the one I'm meant to be with, but obviously I do stress about it... occasionally.

Funny video about how I sometimes feel now and my fears for the future...

Funky Friday

When it comes to the endometriosis, I try to keep an open mind.  It sucks that I have it, and it has caused me a great deal of pain through the years, but I've got that part mostly under control at the moment.  And to be fair, I can't really blame it for not getting pregnant when I was trying to... there were a lot of other factors such as bad timing and lack of cooperation.  In fact, I lost count of how many people said "At least there were no children" when they learned I was getting divorced.  Those words hurt back then, but I guess it just wasn't meant to be at the time.  I don't really know if I'll have trouble the next time I try.  That part I'm kind of okay with.  I don't like the unknown aspects of it, but there's not much I can do about it right now.

I think that's the part that pisses me off.  In three short months I'll be thirty, and I thought my life would be very different by now.  Once again, some days I am okay with it.  But other days, like yesterday, I was nothing but "Poor, pitiful me" and "It's just not fair!"  All I saw were the most adorable happy couples with their little baby bumps, fathers with their kids who they were obviously crazy about and completely unready teenagers.  And no, this wasn't at the lady doctor's office... they all strolled in and out of my workplace all freakin day.  It was an emotional roller coaster of a day.  By the end of it I was exhausted and didn't want to do anything other than go home, have a glass or two of wine and crash.  Didn't even make it to the gym, even though Friday's the day I look forward to going the most.

Why is it the thing you've wanted your entire life is the hardest thing to accomplish?  I never wanted a career.  I never cared about being an important person who makes a major discovery or something of the sort.  All I ever wanted since I was a teenager was to fall in real, lasting love and have a family.  Nothing too complicated or seemingly out of the question, right?

Now I'm wondering if maybe it's not going to happen.  I'm wondering if I'm even really relationship material.  Things went wrong in my marriage, and now I'm not sure about things with the current guy.  Have I just not found the right one, or is it really me destroying everything?  Then again, the right one will be dubbed so for a reason... he'll love me for all I am and won't leave when times get tough.  Isn't that the way it's supposed to work?

30 Days

I remember reading a long time ago about someone's postulation of the time it takes to mostly get over someone and be able to move on... They claimed it was approximately half the amount of time the relationship actually lasted. I have no idea if that is true, but it would put my finish line at about a month from now.

I know you can't force healing or put a time limit on "mourning" (which it still feels like I'm doing) over something like this, but I wonder if having a goal like that would help. If setting a certain stopping point could work. Allow myself to pout and feel sad for thirty more days, then tell myself to stop. Could it actually work like that? Could I prep my heart and brain to stop dwelling and really be ready for what lies ahead?

It certainly can't hurt to try.

I'm a Killer

I killed my marriage, I know I did. I didn't pull the trigger or put the final nail in the coffin, but I had a big hand in it. I put too much on him. I wanted too much out of him. I was too dependent on him. I wish I'd had more self confidence. I wish I hadn't been so depressed. There's a lot I wish he'd done differently too, by I've already shared my thoughts on that a few times.

A group of us were talking at work this morning about marriages and the things that do and don't work in them. I did all the don'ts. I got my self worth from being with him. I wanted us to be each other's everything and that be enough. Even though I knew it was totally ridiculous, I got jealous when he wanted to do something on his own or hang out with his friends without me. I was scared to upset him. I was scared to say what I needed to half the time.

Because I didn't want him to leave me.

Crash. Boom. Bang.

About as quickly as the idea was put forth, it is now over.  The ex and I are no longer a possibility.  Told you we move fast.

He got a job offer and doesn't want to move from where he is now for the next few years.  I have no desire to move from where I am, so we're not gonna happen.  Part of me is so very happy for him... it's a huge opportunity.  Part of me thinks if he really wanted to be with me then that would be the priority. 

It was only for a couple of days, but I had let myself start to get my hopes up.  Kinda feels like I'm getting dumped all over again.

Ready to love again?

When the ex and I were together, we followed up on major life choices pretty fast.  Once we made our minds up about something we just went ahead and got the ball rolling.  No use in waiting.  Well, we talked the other day, and he wants to try to work things out between us and ultimately get back together.  Those were the words I'd been waiting over a year to hear.  I really didn't think they'd ever come, so I hadn't really thought about what I might say if they did.

I've decided that I'm open to it.  I know I still love him, but can I fall in love with him again?  Can I learn to trust again?  Can I accept that it's possible I may get my heart broken once more?  Can I let go of that fear and fully embrace the possibility that we could live happily ever after?

I knew there was no chance of even possibly starting to make any kind of real decision without us meeting face to face, so we decided to try to do that next month.  The only problem with that is that I'm ready to pull an us and go ahead and do it.  It's driving me nuts knowing that it's going to be a month before it happens.  I'm not so good with waiting.

March Madness

Spent the afternoon and had dinner with my folks today.  Mom got me thinking.  She asked how the ex was doing and if I'd talked to him lately.  Last week he told me his depression was getting worse, and I told her that.  She then said, "Sounds like you just need each other."

I actually dreamed last night that we got back together.  It was weird at first, and I remember thinking how we'd never be able to get back to how we used to be when things were good.  Then some time passed, and everything was great.  No awkwardness, just love and acceptance.

This month marks a year since we split up.

Looking Back

The ex and I have still been messaging, and it's been nice to be talking to him again.  He's moving in a few months and is in the process of finding a new job.  He has a working interview at a really nice restaurant soon, and yesterday he asked me if I remembered his first one in Birmingham.  I certainly do.  I remember a lot from back then.

I used to get so excited for and proud of him.  I got to watch his excitement when he was accepted to culinary school and then to his first cooking job.  We searched for that perfect hat for his first day and celebrated each time he got a promotion.  He came up with the most amazing recipes.  I'm really sad I won't get to be with him to witness and experience his career as it takes off.

Sometimes even now when I picture the future I can't see it with anyone other than him.  It still doesn't seem real.

Birthday and V-day

I turned 29 Sunday! I enjoyed it so much I think I just may turn 29 again next year. And maybe the year after that, haha. This is the gift from my parents, my new baby...

I love her!  Anyways, had a great weekend.  Went up to Raleigh on Friday and hung out with friends.  We had a fabulous time, and I came back Sunday to a wonderful dinner with the parents.  There was lots of cake.

I have a date tonight!  A friend at work and I are both single, so we decided to be each others' Valentine.  She's getting me flowers, and I got her her favorite chocolate.  We're going to see a sappy movie tonight.  Should be a nice evening.  Hoping it'll take my mind off the fact that I was proposed to four years ago today.  I had totally forgotten about that fact until last night, and now it keeps running through my mind.  It was such a nice proposal.

The ex and I have been friendly lately. Just through email and FB, but it's been very nice. I feel like I'm getting the closure I've needed.  I'm glad we're talking again and are becoming friends.  His dad even sent me a friend request again.  I wasn't sure how to take that and a few things he said, but I'm choosing to believe it's all in good nature.

A Calm Morning

As much as I miss the physical contact, I now think the boy and I really are better at being just friends.  The conversation flows more easily, and we're more open about things.  We actually fell asleep talking the other night.  The next day was his birthday, and I decked out his house after he went to work that morning.  Then he invited me over for a movie the next night.  It's been good.

Been emailing a little with the ex.  Just polite conversation about the dogs and life, but it's been kinda nice.  I keep going back and forth about whether I want to try to open the lines of communication between us more.  I don't know if he'd even want that, but I feel like I may be emotionally more ready for it than I was before.  Maybe.

Not sure if I've mentioned this before, but I've started knitting.  Awesome roommate taught me how a few weeks ago, and I'm hooked.  Sounds boring, but it's so calming.  I'm starting easy with a scarf.  Some days at work, I can't wait to just go home, turn on some tunes and knit.  I get to be lost in thought or just zone out if I want.

Life is good right now.

"Come Back"

I think I'm making more progress with getting over the ex.  Maybe.  I don't think about him as much, and when I do I don't dwell on it.  I don't think of the bad stuff as much.  Certain songs don't get to me as much as they used to.  Several people have mentioned how much better I seem to be doing.

I did crack a little last night though.  I spent a rather underwhelming dinner and a movie evening with the boy.  No touching or affection of any kind, and I took my cue and left when he announced it was his bed time right after the movie.  As I was driving away I kept wishing he would have asked me to stay the night.  It reminded me of when I left MS after packing all my stuff up.  As I drove farther and farther down the road all I wanted in the whole world was to get a text with the words "Come back".  I held out hope for a good hour as I drove east, but it never came.

I heard a saying recently... "You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one."  I'm so, so ready to turn that page.  Almost there.

I don't think I'm going to be the one to try to make plans with the boy for awhile.  I want to see if he still actually likes hanging out with me enough to call or if he's just not cutting the strings because he wants to keep having sex.  Or if he even calls at all.  Wow, I sound pathetic.  At times I feel it too, but usually not.  I know I'm not ready for an actual relationship yet.  But I like being physical with someone when I can, and I'd rather have an on/off thing with the boy than nothing at all.  I look forward to the day I'm ready for and find the whole package.

Do you see those spots?

I had to go to see a doctor today.  The kind you see when you're sick, not a lady doctor.  I'd forgotten what that was like.  They didn't ask me the date of my LMP.  They didn't ask me when I took my last BCP.  I purposely didn't ask my mother to go back with me just in case they asked if it's possible I could be pregnant.  I would have loved the company while waiting, but I didn't want her to know I'm having sex.  (How old am I?)  Anyways, like I thought, it's the flu.  I'm not sure I've ever had the flu, so I figured I'd try to ride it out, but after three agonizing days in bed, I couldn't take it anymore.  Now I'm all for staying in bed on a lazy Sunday when you've got nothing better to do, but this has been pushing it.  I don't think I've ever felt this weak or achy.  Even just lying in bed hurts.

But all that bed rest has made plenty of time for thinking, and this is what has been at the forefront.  Hopefully it wasn't all the fever talking...

It's interesting to see just how much life can change in the span of a year.  I got another FutureMe letter this week written December 31, 2010.  It described how life was at that moment and the plans the ex and I had been making for the coming months.  It described him coming home after the first post-Christmas work shift saying how much he wanted a family with me.  It described our plans for battling the endo.  It said how much I loved my husband and what a great father I thought he would be.

Now, a year later, I'm wondering if I'll find another marriage-worthy fella anytime soon.  If not, I know I would have no qualms having a little one on my own.  After I get myself financially stable that is.  I have a fantastic support system and I know he or she would grow up feeling loved and important.

I find myself wanting to get semi-permanently settled.  I really want to buy a house and make it mine again.  I'm tired of renting.  Early nesting, maybe?

There was more, but vision is blurry now, so I think I shall retire back to boring bed.