Holiday Update

I don't think I've ever gone this long without writing here.  So much has happened.  I left my job and moved in with my stepdad back in September.  His health has been so up and down, sometimes doing a 180 from one day to the next.  He kept having mini strokes, and about a month or so ago he started having seizures.  I don't know how his body continues to take on so much stress.

He's still distraught over the loss of Mom, which is completely understandable.  I am too.  But now, when I really need the man to be my father, it's like he completely forgets that I too lost the single most important person in my life.  I'm struggling with that.

Our days are fairly routine... wake up, breakfast, then he snoozes until his hospice aid comes for his daily "washing up".  Thank goodness I haven't had to take that on.  I mean, I would if I had to, but with my back, I'm not sure I physically could.  Anyways, while she's at the house, I get out for about an hour to run any errands or try to get to the gym for a bit.  We play golf on the PlayStation for a majority of the afternoon which seems to take his mind off his grief and pain for a little while at least.  If he's doing well enough after dinner, I go to my home to spend a couple of hours with the boyfriend and the pets.  Head back to the house, make sure he's comfortable for the night and that all meds have been taken and are prepared for the next day.  Try to sleep.  Wash, rinse, repeat.

I hope it doesn't sound like I'm complaining.  I am truly grateful for whatever time he has left, and I'm glad I'm able to take care of him.  But lately, it's just seemed so hard.  Maybe it's the holidays.  I'm missing Mom terribly.  I thought I'd be okay, but the closer to Christmas it gets, the more I seem to be unraveling.

And as usual, I'm also freaking out about if I'll ever get to have kids.  The boyfriend and I have been together well over a year now, and I'm fairly confident he's the one.  I can't imagine being without him.  I had a feeling he might propose sometime over the holidays, but I guess we'll see.  In less than two months I will turn 35 years old, and I keep feeling like it's now or never for kids.  My endo pain seems to get a little stronger each month, and I'm so scared that if I don't do it soon, then it truly may not be possible for me.  We haven't used protection almost the whole time we've been together, and nothing.

How the hell would that work anyway?!  He lives in my two-bedroom house, and I live in my stepdad's two bedroom house.  If I were to get pregnant, WTF would we do?  Either house would be too small, and I don't know if moving my stepdad would even be an option.  Not to mention, he wouldn't do well with my pets, and getting rid of them is not going to happen.

I feel like everything is stacking up, and I'm freaking out.  I just don't know what to do.  I think I'm going to look for a therapist next month.

Overdue

... on quite a few things.  Firstly, here.  Almost a month again.  Geez.

On planning for retirement.  I adulted and started an IRA this morning.  I wanted to and should have set one up years ago, but could never really afford it.  I still can't, but a little something put towards it occasionally is better than nothing.  Yay.  I also attempted to adult again this week and applied for a debt consolidation loan.  Denied.  Can't win 'em all.

Not sure if I'm early, overdue or right on time for this next one.  I asked Dakota Guy again if he'd be interested in seeing if we could be an us.  That was Monday.  He's way overdue on answering.  I texted him the question, and he replied promptly asking if we could have a phone conversation about it soon.  Apparently our definitions of "soon" are slightly different.  We did finally agree to talk this weekend, but there are only about nine hours of that left.  He better get on the ball.  He kind of implied he wouldn't be saying no, but why the hold up?

Overdue on totally letting go of the ex-boyfriend.  He asked me out to dinner again last weekend, and I agreed to go hoping we could be actual friends.  The conversation was great and it was like old times.  Until the trip home.  I asked if we could go back to his place so I could see our old dog.  No.  He's seeing someone who is apparently living with him and he didn't tell her he was out with me.  He didn't learn a damn thing from our split even though he knew how much he hurt me.  I don't believe I'll be having any more dinners with him.

Finally got my oldest kitty to the vet for another dental cleaning.  It all went well, and no extractions were needed.  He came home smelling differently, and ever since my youngest cat has wanted nothing to do with him.  He goes about his business, and she'll hiss and growl at him.  Luckily she doesn't act on it, and he doesn't really pay her any mind.  It's so peculiar though.  It's been three days, and I wonder how much longer this will last.

Other updates...
- Roommate is in.  I rarely see him.
- Back and leg are still feeling decent.  Pretty excited about it.
- The diet is still going well.  Slowly but steadily losing more weight.

That's about it for now.  I'm sure there will be more soon if/when Dakota Guy answers me.  Whichever way it goes I'm sure I'll want to overthink it here.  Because that's what I do.

It's Valentine's Day...

...so I'm home cuddling with my critters.  Not a terrible way to spend the day.  So much love coming from them!

I'm sick.  I've just got a cold, but it's freezing outside, and I don't want to do anything anyway.  I jinxed myself into it too.  Last weekend I was thinking how I'd made it this far into winter without getting sick and was all proud of myself.  So much for that.  I did have to miss going to see my parents yesterday though.  My stepdad's had pneumonia for a few weeks now, and we couldn't risk him getting any sicker.  My mom warned me again that this might do him in.  Which I knew.  As soon as he got sick again I knew.

My birthday was a couple of days ago.  Thirty-three.  Wow.  The girls at work went out of their way to make it special for me... decorations, gifts, cake.  It was really sweet.  I've been dieting and decided to treat myself to pizza and beer that night, which was fucking fantastic.  I'd started feeling sick that day and probably shouldn't have eaten all the junk, but it was delicious.

Got my final back injection last week.  It hurt pretty badly once again, but I've been feeling good since then.  They said this one should last longer, and I hope it does.  I'm going to stop pursuing treatment after this.  I'm tired of it and putting myself through the painful ordeal.  I'm just gonna deal with the pain from the scar tissue until it hopefully breaks up, or whatever it should do.

A new roommate is moving in in a couple of weeks.  A guy who will be staying about three months.  Hopefully we'll get along and everything will go smoothly while he's here.

I've been eye flirting with a very handsome fella at the gym.  We're there at the same time very frequently, and I swear I'd catch him looking at me.  So I started looking back.  We'd make brief eye contact occasionally, then one of us would look away.  About a week and a half ago he was walking across the room, and I caught his eye and smiled, and he smiled back.  I thought for sure he'd come talk to me, but nope.  The next time I saw him there I noticed him looking at me more, so I'd glance his way more also.  We locked eyes at one point, but it felt really awkward.  So I have no clue, as usual.  I haven't been since early last week because of the injection and now sickness, so I guess we'll see what happens next week.

New Developments

First thing first... I have a new nephew!  My youngest "sister" had her first child, a boy, a little over a week ago.  He is gorgeous, and she is so happy!  They live very far away, and I have no idea when I'll get to see them but I can't wait to meet him!

I also have a new little one, but of the four-legged and furry variety.  This is my new kitten...

She's about seven weeks old and all of two pounds.  She was found by a co-worker's boyfriend under the hood of a car that had been driven to his shop to get worked on.  Luckily the person lived just down the street, and the three kittens inside weren't hurt at all.  I fell in love with her as soon as I saw her picture.  I've sworn up and down over the years that I would never have another kitten, but here she is.  My first cat was a little hellion as a wee one, and I've had no desire to go through that again.  But I've now got him all grown up and a dog to play with her, so I think it'll be okay.  Plus she already has the sweetest disposition I think I've ever seen in a kitten, so that's on her side too, haha.

I had lunch with my ex-boyfriend's mother a little while ago, and apparently it freaked him the mess out.  Which I of course find hilarious.  She doesn't know that he cheated on me, and I guess he was afraid that I would tell her.  She told him about our lunch date a week before we actually met up, so he got to fret for a while.  He wanted to know all about it and texted me not even a few hours after the fact.  Of course I didn't tell her, but I do get a tiny bit of enjoyment from his freakout.

He's been texting me every so often, trying to remain friends.  He said the other day that he misses us (me and the pets) and thinks about us every day.  And that he knows how to ruin a good thing.  Of course I'm over thinking the fact that he said he misses us and not just me.  I know our pets were and still are a huge part of our lives, and he loves mine too.  But I'm wondering if he misses that part of the relationship, our life altogether, more than being with me.

Someone asked me out the other day.  Technically, he asked me to "hang out", but that's the same thing these days, right?  I hate dating.  He's currently out of town for work, but asked if I would be interested in meeting up with him when he gets back.  I said yes.  Not sure how I feel about it or him yet... I only met him once a couple of years ago.  But I guess it'll be good to get that first date back in the stupid game out of the way.  From all I've heard about him, he could be a really good guy, so who knows.

I'm still worried about my back.  It was feeling somewhat better, but this past weekend it started hurting really badly again.  But AF is in town, and it always hurts then, so I'll give it a little more time before I call the doc.  Oh, and I got the final bill for the endo surgery.  Yeah... I'm going to be paying medical debts for the rest of my life.  Le sigh.

Oh, and I totally forgot to mention that I got a new piercing about six weeks ago.  I'd been wanting a non-traditional ear piercing for a long time, but never could decide what.  Then one day I decided to do it and got my inner conch pierced.  I love it!

So, yeah.  Mostly good things lately.

Of course...

I took a big step this week.  I confessed my feelings to someone I've liked for many years and basically asked him if he felt the same and wanted to try us in an actual relationship.

He said no.

Because that's how my life goes.

He said it wasn't because he didn't feel the same back and that he really does think we'd be good together.  It's just that he's working through things and doesn't know what he really wants out of life with career, family, or kids.  He's not ready for that serious of a commitment.  Uh huh.  How many times have I heard that now?  I actually do believe him though.  He's always been very honest and upfront with everything, and I know he is going through something right now.  But it just sucks.

I think this was the first time I've ever really asked someone out like that.  And I really thought he would say yes.  We've got good chemistry, and I know he's been into me for years too.  I think we would be amazing together.

How old do you have to be to know what you want out of life?  I know that's not fair and doesn't work for everyone, but I've known I wanted love and family since I was in high school, and it's been so hard to wait this long.  My ex-husband said he wasn't ready for it all at 26, unless there was more he wasn't telling me.  Then my "friends with benefits" guy who I really liked as more wasn't sure at 28.  The most recent ex is 38 and says he doesn't know.  But he cheated on me, so who believes anything he says.  And now this guy at 32.  I mean, after so many people saying the same thing, you kind of figure you're the common denominator.  Is that just it?  Am I not meant to find it?

Or maybe I already have...

At least I've got him.

I'm Free!

My house is all mine again!  The ex moved out this weekend while I spent time with some wonderful friends and their little one.  It was a perfect weekend.  I got to have girl talk and baby cuddles.  The drives up and back were good.  The change of scenery and time spent away was very relaxing and much needed.

I came home to a nearly empty house, which was bittersweet, I suppose.  It's nice to not have the tension anymore, but I'm readjusting to living alone again.  A majority of the common furniture was his, and the house is kind of empty now.  I still have my couch and chair, but they're so much smaller than his and take up less space, so the house seems bigger.  I got rid of my dining room table when he moved in because his was nicer, so that part of the house is just barren.  The front bedroom was our office and he took both the massive desks (I didn't want that huge thing), so that room is totally empty.  The loft is practically empty and is currently my new office.  At least the bedroom is still the same.  And there's a ton more room in my closet, haha.  The house is a blank canvas I will have to fill, which should be fun!

My cat seems very happy to have the other dog gone.  My dog was pretty depressed that he didn't have his friend to play with anymore.  He was very mopey at first, wouldn't eat and didn't really want to play at all.  I've been giving him a ton of attention, and his spirits seem to have lifted some now, which makes me happy.  He's been a huge cuddle bug too, which I've enjoyed.  I really do miss the other pup though.

It will just take some time to find our new normal.  We've done it before and are pretty good at it now.

Worries

I go back to work tomorrow.  I'm happy and nervous at the same time.  Happy to be getting back to doing something and feeling useful.  Nervous about how it's all gonna go down.  I think it'll be okay.  I went in Friday for my paycheck, and the new manager was freaking out a little about one aspect she hadn't known about.  I actually showed her a few things to get her through it, and it went well.

I'm also happy to be getting out of the house and having something else to focus on besides the break-up.  The now ex-boyfriend has been off the past couple of days, so we've been home together a lot.  Sometimes it's not so bad, but a majority of the time it's just super awkward.  I can't go up and kiss him anymore, although we do hug sometimes.  The feelings are all still there, but I have to just turn them off.  It's difficult.

He actually went to look at a new place yesterday and put in an application for it.  On one hand I want him to still live here a couple of months so I can save up a little more money since I plan on living by myself for a few months after he leaves.  On the other I think it would be better if he did move sooner so I could start trying to get over him.

I'm terrified about getting a new roommate.  I lucked out with my last one and don't think I'd ever find another one like her.  But I might, possibly.  I really don't want to get one, but I can't afford to live here by myself.  Grrr...

Other stupid stuff I'm worrying about now:
- I have to mow the massive lawn again now with my heavy manual, swirly-whirligig mower.  How's that gonna go with my bum back?
- Am I gonna keep the gas tank for the fireplace?  I can't afford to have that massive thing refilled by myself.  Is a new roommate going to want to split the cost?
- The whole neighborhood's going to know we split up when his car goes away for good.  It really doesn't matter, but it's annoying.
- He's more than likely going to take his dog with him, and both dogs are going to be sad when they're separated.  Mine was actually depressed for awhile last time and didn't want to play or do much of anything.
- I'll have to get my own butter dish.  

Random things like that pop in my head all the time.  The biggest thing I worry about is if I'm ever going to have a child.  How long will it be before I date again?  If/when I find the right man, how long will we date before getting married?  Will I still be able to have children when that happens?  If I could do it on my own I totally would, but I just cannot afford that.  I wish I could so I wouldn't have to worry about a freakin man.

Uphill... both ways... in the snow

Things have been so up and down these past couple of weeks, and I've been stressed the eff out.

Down:  Everyone's pissed at someone about something at work.  The business is going downhill quickly.  A two week notice was given.  My manager is looking for a new job and/or may get fired very soon.
Up:  I may be manager soon!  That means more money!
Down:  I have no desire to be manager of that sinking ship and inherit all the stress that goes with the job!  I never wanted a career, I just want to be a mom... waaah!

Down:  The dogs have been fighting lately.  Well, one dog.  The dog the boyfriend and I got together has been attacking my dog for sometimes what appears as no real reason at all.  He put a big hole in my dog's side which led to an appointment for him getting neutered.
Up:  Luckily I work at a vet's office and got the patching up and the neutering at a highly discounted cost.
Down:  He turned on my dog again, and now we think it's got to do with something else.  It's been so frustrating because they were fine with each other for a year and a half.  Now all of a sudden one's turned into an asshole.
Up:  Free advice from the vet I work with, and we have some new things to try.

Up:  My youngest "sister's" wedding is this weekend!  Three-day weekend and a night of possible partying at the beach.  Gonna see all my sisters and their significant others.  We're all gonna get to hang and they'll get to know my boyfriend more.
Down:  It's more money to spend that I just don't have, including buying a new dress because nothing I have is appropriate or even fits.
Up:  Find a beautiful new dress online!
Down:  It gets here and it doesn't fit, and the tiny online boutique I bought it from only does store credit, and I don't like anything else they have.  My big fat stomach that has kept getting bigger since I can't fully work out yet because of my back and eating bad shit lately makes me look freakin big and preggo.  (Phew... that was a long one.)  Have to actually go to a store and try on dresses, but can only find one that is halfway appropriate.  Go home and cry because I'm fat. :'(
Up:  Decide to buy a waist cincher so I can wear the dress I originally bought, and...
Down:  ...even though it'll be labored breathing for a few hours...
Up:  ...at least I'll feel pretty.  (Yes, I know how ridiculous that sounds and is.)

Down:  Started painting the house and hurt my back again.  Two extra weeks of physical therapy just to get it back to where it was halfway feeling better.
Up:  Now it's better, and I may potentially only have one session left before I'm done with PT altogether!  Can go back to the gym and lose some weight!
Down:  Have no money to pay for the gym.  Maybe I'll invest in some free weights and work out at home.

Up:  Surgery is in six weeks!  Time is going by so quickly.
Down:  No real down for that, except maybe the cost, but that's okay.  I'm ready.

Okay, that pity party's over.  I think the ups and downs have felt so huge lately because the birth control and anti-depressant I've stopped taking are really making their way out of my system now.  My hormones are doing their own thing again, and my emotions are back to being triggered very easily.  With a combination from those, recovery from surgery and the nerves/stress of thinking about and preparing for the next upcoming surgery, I think my body's been through a lot these past couple of months.

Post Surgery

I am currently two days post-op and very sore.  "Laminectomy Lumbar Disk Foramen Facet" is what was on the paper taped to my hospital bed, so I guess that's what I had done.  I was kinda out of it when the doctor talked to me, but we'll go over specifics when I see him again next week.

I had to be at the hospital at 5:45am on Thursday.  Upon arrival I only sat in the waiting room a few minutes before I had to say my goodbyes and let my nurse get started.  I got nekked and changed into a very unflattering gown.  I got hooked up to an IV and pulse-ox monitor thing.  And they put on the tightest blood pressure cuff I've ever felt... I thought my arm might pop right off.  I got some sexy compression stockings, which they told me I have to wear all week.

The anesthesiologist came by to talk to me and decided I needed to take a pregnancy test just to be sure.  So the nurse unhooked me from some things but left me attached to some others, wrapped a blanket around my backside, held the IV bag up and paraded me in front of everyone in that room over to the bathroom.  For someone with social anxiety, it was just fantastic.

Later I was back in bed, and a slight sedative was administered.  She said I would feel tipsy as I was wheeled into the operating room, and I did.  I remember them putting a mask on me, and then I was out.  I woke up maybe an hour and a half to two hours later in a recovery room totally out of it.   I heard someone talking on the phone about what I had had done and that I came out of sedation agitated.  Oops.  I drifted in and out there, then was taken to my room when I was more alert.

They had me up and walking just a few hours after surgery, and I found that my sharp, shooting sciatic pain was gone!  I'm still having some numbness in my foot, but they say that's normal and will go away.  I was very tired and napped throughout that afternoon.  I had some visitors and got some beautiful flowers...

And someone brought me this thing to use so I didn't get pneumonia...

I slept on and off throughout the night but was woken every so often by a nurse taking vitals or making me go for another walk... or by the lady down the hall who was screaming all night.  My mother came to see me around 10:00 the next morning.  I was discharged around 11:30, and she took me home.  The boyfriend was at work, but I was getting around okay and told her I would be fine by myself.  I slept most of the afternoon, still very groggy from all the meds.  I was up and about a few times and even walked way out to the mailbox for the first time in weeks.

I woke up this morning very dizzy and was a little worried, but it slowly went away after some breakfast.  I've still been taking it very easy, but made my second trip out to the mailbox a bit ago.  I'm supposed to be up "putzing around" throughout the day with frequent resting periods.  Can't drive or pick up anything more than five pounds for at least a week.

When I nap, I've got the whole gang to keep me company...

Hopefully the recovery will be very quick and easy, and I'll be back to my life in no time!

Absent

That's what I've been.  But I've got a great reason, I swear!

The boyfriend moved in!!!

I'm so excited.  It happened rather quickly and all of a sudden actually last week.  Weird circumstances at his old place developed, and he decided it was time!  So we've been moving him and his stuff in, and tomorrow will be a week.  It has been so, so wonderful!

There's been a bit of an adjustment period, for him especially.  He said it's been just a tiny bit weird.  I did buy this house by myself and have been living in it for ten months now.  He feels awkward not knowing where anything is or where all the light switches are.  But he's adapting quickly and has been settling in nicely.

He's very handy and has already switched into Mr. Fix It mode a couple of times.  His next project will be the garbage disposal.  Between us we've got three computers which we've put in the loft upstairs.  It looks like command central up here now.  We've rearranged all our furniture, and this place feels even more like home now.  I had really missed his big comfy couch.

The dogs are a bit off still.  My dog has turned into kind of a loner...

Where he goes for his alone time now, complete with grump face

And his is even more of a lover now...

We were cuddling before the bf piled all his toys on top of him

They play and seem happy to be around each other all the time again, but it's still weird for them too.  Time will help.  The cat has been fine.  He adapts to anything pretty easily.

I am so happy right now.  It really feels like I have my family back together again.  I enjoyed living alone for a few months, but I am definitely happier now that he's here.  No more only seeing him once or twice a week.  No more driving home late Sunday night after The Walking Dead or Game of Thrones.  No more sad goodbye kisses.

I get him every night now.  And I hope to every night for the rest of our lives.  :)

Welcome, ICLWers!

Hi there!  This is my first time participating in International Comment Leaving Week, so I thought I would introduce myself!  I'm Amethyst, am 31 and live in North Carolina.  I started this blog back in 2010 when my ex-husband and I were trying to conceive our first.  Well, that never happened.  I was diagnosed with endometriosis about nine months in, and he ended our marriage six months after that.  I didn't see it coming and was devastated for a long time.

Since then I've been working on getting my life back on track.  I've been at my current job for around twelve years, minus about a year and a half when the ex and I had moved away.  I bought a house this past summer, and right now it's just me, my catahoula pup and spaz cat in it.  I've been dating a wonderful man going on two years now, and we're about to get engaged.  Hopefully we'll be getting married later this year and will start TTC (what I call my two pink lines trek) soon after.  All I've wanted my entire life is to have children.  We'll see.

I was diagnosed with endo at the age of 27 when it was found in my pachingo (vagina).  My gyno found a cyst behind my cervix during a yearly exam which she cut out (ouch!) and sent off.  The biopsy came back positive as endo, and I'm pretty sure I've had it since I was around twelve or so.  I've never had laparoscopic surgery due to lack of insurance and finances and I wonder every day about the status of my insides.  The past couple of years most of my pain has been manageable with what I consider my miracle birth control.  A few months ago the daily pain started creeping back in, and it seems my miracle drug isn't working as well as it used to.

Last week I attended the Million Woman March for Endometriosis in Washington, DC.  It was pretty fantastic.  The ten weeks before it I participated in a bloggers uniting thing with new "assignments" each week.  All of those posts are located here, if you're interested.

This blog is oftentimes like a teenage girl's diary... it's where I come to vent and work through thoughts and emotions.  It's my private place that no one "in real life" knows about.  Sometimes just coming here helps so much, even when what gets written doesn't make any sense.

Please take a look around and comment wherever you'd like.  I look forward to getting to know you!

Snowy Birthday

Today is my birthday, and I am feeling so full of hope.  Maybe because I always enjoy my birthday.  A lot of days I don't feel so hopeful or useful or successful, but on my birthday, for at least one day of the year, I let myself feel special.

I'm 31 today, and I have a lot to be thankful for.  It's a beautiful snow day.  We got about ten inches yesterday, which is pretty unheard of in this part of the state.  There's supposed to be a wintry mix of precipitation for a good part of today that will switch to just rain later.  So hopefully the roads will be okay later for me to travel on to see my wonderful boyfriend.  I really want some birthday nookie, hehe.

I'm very thankful for him, not just for the nookie.  He's got a unique personality which has taken me awhile to get truly familiar with, but I love him dearly for it.  It's taken him awhile to navigate my personality too, but now that we know each other so well, we click amazingly. 

I've already received so many well birthday wishes from friends and family, and it warms my heart to think that so many people care about me.  I am lucky to have such a wonderful support system.

I've got this crazy guy...

I joked he was warning me not to cut his nails, but he was really just yawning.  He and my wild pups round out my life and make it so fun.

On this cold day, I have a warm house and food to eat.  These are just a few, and I have so many more things to be thankful for.

Including pancakes.

Which I'm going to make right now.

Everyone have a wonderful day!

Snow 'n Stuff

It's been a weird week!  The afternoon after I last wrote, I was struck down with the freakin flu.  It was not pleasant, and I was miserable for quite a few days.  I missed two days of work last week, but I'm lucky that I have a job where that's not such a big deal.  I was in bed for five days straight and am still feeling a little funky.  Mostly better though.

I'm missing even more work this week because of snow!  We left early yesterday because of bad conditions and had several inches of sleet on the ground before it even started snowing.  Woke up this morning to several inches of the actual fluffy stuff on top of all the ice.  I made it into work for a couple of hours but was the only one, and who knows what will happen tomorrow.  My boss is of the wait and see mentality.  I know I can get in, but everyone else lives a lot farther away and can't.  I hate missing so much work!  This next check is not gonna be good.

But, I did get to play in the snow with the pup today, and we had a great time.

He absolutely loves it.  He runs and snarks and tries to catch the snowballs I toss to him.  It's pretty adorable.

In other news, last week my oldest "sister" let everyone know that she is pregnant.  So happy for her, but the way she told me was very strange.  She called me and said she wanted to give me a heads up about something.  She asked what I was doing in August.  If I'd like to come spend a few days with her (she's a couple of hours away).  To help with the new baby.  I'm all.... what now?  She never came out and said it, so I had to ask her if she was pregnant.  To that she said yes.  She always has been a weird girl, but I love her.  Grr...

Like her sisters before, whenever they announce they're pregnant with their first, I send flowers.  Sent her these...

They reminded me of when she got married.  She was in a blue and white dress and they both had yellow flowers.  She liked them and called to thank me.  Said she couldn't remember the last time she had flowers delivered to her.

The boyfriend and I talked a little more about the future.  He said he's planning on proposing this summer after he moves in and can save some money for a ring.  I'm almost at the point where I say screw the ring... let's just do it and get on with things.  I'm not always good at waiting, and this latest pregnancy announcement has got me even more anxious.  Sigh... in good time.

I think that's all my news for now.  Gotta do this week's EndoPost soon, so that will be on the way!

End of the Year Post

Hello there!  Hope you all had joyful holidays.  Mine was pretty decent!  I made out like a bandit at Christmas and feel very spoiled... I'm typing from my new computer right now.  The boyfriend didn't propose, but he did ask my ring size the other night... eek!  I showed him a picture of what I want a couple of months ago, but he'd been drinking some, so I worked another picture into the series of texts kind of jokingly.  He ended them by saying that when the day comes he'll try his best.  You can't ask a girl her ring size then say "Well, when the day comes"!!  The romantic in me is hoping he's just trying to throw me off and will actually propose on New Year's Eve.  We'll see!

The roommate left yesterday.  Her husband surprised her Christmas night by calling her from the local airport.  He hadn't been due in until the 26th, but wanted to be a late evening gift.  They packed up a trailer full of her stuff Thursday night, which is when we said our goodbyes before bed.  Then she had to freakin show up at my work yesterday, coffee in hand like she's done so many times before.  I was so hoping she wouldn't do that, because of course I cried and once I start I can't stop, and everything made me cry the rest of the day.  Damn her.

I ended up having to leave early yesterday anyway because of my back.  I've had this nerve pain for a few months now that was horrible yesterday.  Not sure if it's the sciatic nerve or what, but it's most painful in my lower back and shoots down my leg.  It's normally a little painful almost every day, but it was the worst it's ever been yesterday.  I could barely walk or move.  The drive home was fun.

So, I have the house to myself now.  It's very quiet.  The pooch has actually been at the boyfriend's house since Wednesday.  I figured it would make all the packing and loading of the trailer easier for the roommate if he wasn't there barking his head off the whole time.  Then I didn't pick him up as scheduled last night because I hurt too much to drive.  It's lonely without my puppy, but the cat has enjoyed it.  I usually stay at the boyfriend's house every Saturday night, but he'll be staying here for the first time tonight!!  I can't wait.  (Finally get to have sex in my new house!!  hehe)  He'll bring my pup back and bring his too, so it'll be a full house once again for a little bit.  I can't wait for him to move in, but I will thoroughly enjoy having the place all to myself for a bit! :)

Vacation

My week of vacation is approaching its end.  The first part was absolutely amazing.  Friday I drove to Raleigh and stayed the night with a "sister".  We stayed in and up late just talking.  It was so nice.  Saturday morning we went out to breakfast, then I made my way to Charlotte.  Another sis and I went out to dinner then to see Matt Nathanson in concert.  I'd been trying to see that man for years and had the best time!  Even got a few decent pics...

Sunday we slept in and went out for breakfast with her baby, hubs and some in-laws.  I played with the baby all afternoon and then we had a fabulous dinner.  Monday morning they went to work, and I slept in a little.  I was headed back to Raleigh to stay with that sister again, but she didn't get home from work until sixish, so I had some time to kill in Charlotte.  Of course I went to IKEA!  Spent quite a few hours walking around and managed to get out of there with some good stuff and only thirty dollars lighter.

The drive back to Raleigh was spent singing very loudly and badly to Nathanson albums (I'm only a little obsessed with his music, that's all) and went by quickly.  That night we went downtown to a great sushi place and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves.  The next morning I woke up feeling like crap... I picked up the cold that the baby had.  The drive home was not fun.  I got back and crashed, then went to the boyfriend's house for the night.  Woke up to this...

A-d-o-r-a-b-l-e

Got another cute pic later that morning...

Yes, I am quite obsessed with my dogs! :)

The rest of the week has been spent mostly resting and trying to get over this damned cold!  Bleh!

Boy and Pet Schtuff

It's a beautiful day.  It's cool outside with a nice breeze, and this has been the first non hot and sticky day I've actually been home to enjoy having the windows open since moving in.  I'm drinking a cup of coffee and listening to the birds sing.  Life is good.

The ex-bf and I had a talk about what we are to each other, what we're doing, and our future.  Basically, there is no long-term future.  He does not like this place and desperately wants to move.  I do not.  So that's that.  We're hanging out having a good time and enjoying each others' company for now.  I told him I do know the direction I want my life to be heading and I need to get on that soon.  He understood.  I told him I don't want to hurt him, and he assured me I wouldn't be.

Of course, I'm both happy and sad about this.  I'm very happy that we've finally talked about it and are on the same page.  I'm sad because we get along so well, and I really wanted him to be the one.  I do love him, and as cliche as it sounds, I do hope we can remain friends after we both move on.  We'll see.

He's going on vacation tomorrow, and I'll be keeping his dog... the one we got together.  I miss him and hated giving up another dog, but once again, they're good for each other.  My puppy is doing well and will be three years old this weekend!

My boss used to be a professional photographer, and last week she did portraits of all the staff and their pets.  We did head shots during the day, then went to the river after work.  I "puppynapped" the ex's dog and took him to the river too and will put a collage together as a Christmas gift, after a little editing out of the leash.  It was fun, and here are some good ones...

He was so good at posing, we had to dress him up!

No words... haha!

The flash scared him every time, so not too many good close ups.

Yep, that's me, haha.

For his first time at the river and on a dock, he did really well!

Happy, smiling pooch.

 

I love all my animals!!

Puppy

I almost brought home this little one today.

She's an approximately twelve-week-old husky or malamute who was found on the side of a road.  I fell in love with her the minute I saw her sweet face.  She's got one brown eye and one blue, just like my current pup!  She was hungry, tired and covered in fleas and ticks.  She was mellow and just lied there while I went over her getting all the bad bugs off.  After her bath she almost fell asleep wrapped up in a towel in my arms.

I was so close to bringing her home for a trial run tonight but ultimately decided I shouldn't.  It was a hard decision (just look at that face!), but I feel it was the right one.  It would be one thing to take in either of the exs' dogs whose personalities I already know, but a puppy is a totally different story.  I'm not ready to train another pup.  I like how my current dog is totally housebroken and not at all destructive.  I'm definitely not ready to train another pup.  She'll find a good home with someone who can give her all the time she needs.

In other news, here are some updates:  I am not pregnant.  The roommate's sister and baby are not moving in.  She and I are back to our old awesome roommate ways now.  The ex-bf and I never took that day trip, but maybe this weekend or next.  I broke my lawnmower and almost chopped off my thumb, but not to worry... there's a new heavy duty swirly whirligig in town, and all my digits are in tact!

Hi There

Things have been good so far this week.  Other than a sprained ankle, I've been okay.  Thought I might be pregnant, but I think it's just side effects from the meds.  I'll find out next week.  I've actually been starting to fall for the ex-bf again.  We're still hanging out once a week, and things are amazing between us.  So far we've just been hanging out at his house mostly, but we're taking a day trip Sunday.  We'll see how that goes.  Maybe we could be right for each other.  Maybe over this next year we'll keep dating and see how it goes.  I don't know if that's smart or not, but I'm just kinda playing it all by ear.  It's not like anyone else is beating my door down.  Although I'm really not putting myself out there at all.  I could reach out to the professor and see if he's still interested, but it makes me nervous.  He knows I'm single now and hasn't contacted me.  Haven't really heard from him since February.  I don't know.  I'm not ready for more dating rejection yet.  Not sure if I'm ready for someone new anyway.

Had a Skype date with my sister and nephew this morning and am so excited that they're coming into town next weekend.  I miss them.  Had dinner and good conversation with my other sister and niece last night.  We all played, then the little one went to bed and we watched True Blood.  So much better this season.  Been watching Dexter with the ex-bf every Sunday night, and it'll be interesting to see how they end it.  I'm obsessed with How I Met Your Mother lately.  Since I'm back to no TV or cable, I've been Netflix-ing the entire series and watching it for the first time.  Love it!

So yep, that's my boring mini update.  Nothing much going on.  Just working and going day by day.  Exciting stuff.

And so, on this lazy day of doing nothing but resting my ankle, I leave you with a pic of my napping creatures just because they're adorable.

Le Sigh

I'm sitting at home on my day off having a cup of coffee right now.  But I should have just left a hotel in West Virginia and be heading back home.  I was supposed to get my old dog back yesterday.  The one it broke my heart to leave behind when the ex-husband and I split up.  Last week he decided he couldn't give her the kind of life she deserved anymore and had asked me to take her.  It was supposed to be a done deal, and I was so excited.  I arranged for time off of work and started making plans to meet him halfway.  Then he changed his mind.  Again.  I should have known better.  I think I cried for an hour straight when he told me.  Once again I had allowed myself to get my hopes up and once again I was devastated.  I'm not getting my little girl back.  :'(  He better step up and take better care of her.

I'm angry.  At so many things right now, and I don't know how to start getting them all out here.  And hurt.  By so many people and things.  I've been trying to work through all my feelings, but I think I'm just pushing them down.  Telling myself I've forgiven and moved on, when I've really just been keeping things amicable and trying to forget.

I finally got the anti-depressants yesterday and I don't even know what I hope they'll accomplish anymore.  I think I've felt crappy for so long now that I'd accepted it as the status quo of my life.  I've taken them before and I honestly don't remember how I felt when on them.  I remember running hot, being tired a lot and feeling a brain fog at times, but I don't remember how I felt emotionally.  Hopefully they'll do something positive.

Baby Bird

This is my new little friend...

He/she chills outside in the back yard when it's nice out.  He's usually somewhere on the patio or camouflaged against the fence.  Momma is around sometimes, but it's usually just the little one.  He doesn't seem too scared of me, as he doesn't move when I go outside and lets me get pretty close for pictures.

I've never seen him fly, but he can surely hop.  He was right by the door one evening, and I didn't see him when letting the dog out.  The pup took off after him, and I got to them as the bird got to the fence and had nowhere else to go.  I think the pup was curious more than anything, but he scared the mess out of baby birdie.

It'll be interesting to see how long he sticks around.