Sunday, January 27, 2013

I want to buy a house.

This is the one I've been eying recently...

103 years old with hardwood floors, a claw foot tub and updated wiring and plumbing.  Beautiful and in my price range because of a motivated seller.  I hope it's still available in a few months.  Realistically, it's probably not a good buy for me right now because of how old it really is and the maintenance costs it would have.  But I'm not going to buy another house unless it's one that I know I'd want to stay in for a long time, and this is the kind of house I want... old and charming.  I could buy a newer house, but I know I wouldn't be happy in it, and what's the point of that?

I'm so tired of renting.  Knowing I'll be moving again this summer and previously planning on renting once more, I've been saving up for that security deposit, pet deposit and first month's rent, which absolutely disgusts me because I know two of those three I will never see again.  I feel like I'm just throwing money away!  Why not put it all towards the lovely house you see above?  We'll see in June I suppose.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Not funny ha-ha...

I was thinking about what I said in my last post about not being sure why I get upset when people say "Don't worry, it'll happen for you." I figure it's gotta be a defense mechanism of some sort. Call it being realistic or preparing for the worst so I'm not as disappointed. So if it actually doesn't happen, I'm not in as much shock as I would be otherwise. Maybe?

I guess it's close to the same reason I started saying I was 30 not long after I turned 29... just to mentally prepare myself for it. Because honestly? I'm not looking forward to it. I wanted to be so much further along with my life. I wanted to be a young(er) mother with a house full of little ones by early thirties. Now it'll be early thirties before I even get to start trying.

Funny how the plans you have for your life never really work out the way you think they will.

Monday, January 14, 2013

You knew this one was coming...

It still absolutely astounds me how a little human grows inside a woman's body. How a man and woman come together and the two of them create a life form. That little life grows into an actual person and emerges as a little him and her. My mind gets completely blown every time I think about it. Biologically, that's what a woman's body is meant for. What she's built to do.

It scares the absolute mess out of me when I think about the future in terms of having a little one and not knowing the status of my insides... Can my body physically do what it was originally built for before the endo attacked? Will I be able to grow a little me and my fella and watch my belly grow? Will I get to develop that bond that only a mother can have with her child? Experience that type of love? Will I be able to find someone to have a child with in time? If not I have no qualms whatsoever doing it alone, but will I ever be able to financially? Will I get to fulfill the only real dream I've ever had for my life?

It's bittersweet to see pictures of my best friend and her new babe. I love her and am so ridiculously happy for them, but as bad as it sounds, I'm so crazy jealous too. They have the life I've always wanted and won't get a shot at having for a long time. Looking at the pics and reading all the comments of congrats and well wishes for their new life, it's all I can do not to tear up. I'm constantly getting texted pics and updates. Don't get me wrong, I love to see the little man and am so happy they're both well! I just feel an achy little twinge in my chest with every single one.

The other night when she was in labor, I was telling the boyfriend how I wished I could be there for the birth. He then questioned how I could be so happy for this, but how the baby shower made me so sad. I tried to explain how I felt... how this is a new life coming into the world through my best friend. That's an amazing thing! It's different from a shower where you're surrounded by all the baby stuff and such. All the tangible baby things and the time period of such concentrated baby focus gets me wondering if I'll ever get all that stuff for a baby of my own. Which makes me sad and teary. In public. I don't know if I explained it very well and I'm not even sure if it makes sense to me, but yeah.

He did the whole "Oh you shouldn't worry, it'll happen for you" to which I said "You don't know that. No one knows that. And that not knowing is what drives me crazy." *sigh* I don't know why it bothers me so much when someone says that. I guess it shouldn't because you never know. I may have absolutely no trouble at all getting pregnant the next time I try. Please let that be the case.

So those are all my jumbled feelings on all of that right now.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

I'm an auntie again!

My very best friend in the whole world just had her firstborn... a son!  I got the call about ten minutes ago that he had just been born.  I heard him cry and talked to my friend for a minute.  She sounded exhausted but so very happy.  I'm so excited for her and absolutely cannot wait to Skype with them and see his sweet face!

Saturday, January 12, 2013

So... umm...

Uh... yeah...

A month from today, I'm gonna be 30...

Still not sure how I feel about that...

Friday, January 4, 2013

Simmer Down Now

I've been feeling very anxious lately about things I have no control over and I don't know why. They're not even guaranteed to happen and if they did it would be months away, so I don't know why I'm stressing. They're all work related, and I hate that I let it all get to me so much. I wish I could go home at the end of the day and forget about work. It's such a big part of life though that it's hard to. I have a problem with dwelling on things anyway, and that doesn't help. I continually have this nervous feeling in my stomach. Sometimes I'll wake up in the middle of the night and not be able to go back to sleep because it creeps into my mind and I can't let it go.

Maybe I'm PMS'ing. Maybe once I get my ass back to the gym on a regular basis my mood will improve in general and I won't worry so much. This is the first time I've stressed this much about work since returning over a year and a half ago. Maybe I just need a vacation.

I think I'm starting to stress over things on the home front too. I'll be moving again in less than six months and I don't know yet if I'll be able to buy a house or if that's even something I should be attempting right now. I'm just tired of renting.

I feel like my life is such a mess right now but I think it's just me driving myself crazy. Oh, how nice it would be to get out of my own head every so often.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Holiday Magic

I always thought Christmas and New Year's had a bit of magic to them. They seem to bring excitement and hope. My favorite time of year is the span between Halloween and New Year's Day. The air starts getting a bit crisper (well, sometimes... a lot of times here in NC it's warm until mid December), people get a little bit nicer, and I start anticipating the feeling of togetherness the holidays bring.

This year was a little different though, and if I recall correctly, last year was too. Christmas was very nice, but the magic wasn't there. It felt rushed and something to just get through so I could go home. New Year's was less than stellar too. I usually feel a bit of excitement to see the clock change and know we're at the beginning of a brand new year with new hopes and possibilities, but I really just didn't care this time around.

Does that just happen when you get older? Have I lost my childlike wonder?  Will I get it back when I have kids and get to see it through their eyes?

As silly as it may sound, I think part of it is the lack of winter break since getting out of school. With all the working through the season and only getting one day off, it makes sense that the magic slowly disappears. I think life would be better with a summer vacation too.