Oh Baby!

More like no baby.  My preggo road-tripping friend was due last week and had been having contractions way before that.  I got "the call" Wednesday night that it was time, so I headed on over to her house where she's planning to have a natural water birth.  Still no baby now on Friday morning.  Her sisters and I waited, napped, ate when we could and helped her through each contraction yesterday.  Then it all slowed down and almost came to a halt.  No water broken, not in actual active labor.

It was beautiful to watch though.  Every contraction she would wrap her arms around her husband or one of her sisters, and someone would rub her back.  It was just amazing to see.  I got to be one of the amateur photographers, and her sister and I were documenting everything.

I'm not sure I'll get to see the actual birth anymore.  Thinking it was the real thing, I was able to get yesterday off of work, but not today or tomorrow morning, so I'm hoping it'll happen sometime tonight.  Well, for her sake I hope it happens sooner, but being selfish, I really wanna be there!  I had a semi-date planned tonight too, so not sure if that will happen either.  I'm so excited for her!  And I'm going to be an auntie!! :)

That'll Do

Another tale of me and inappropriate men...  The roommate and I had two friends over last night.  One is totally Mr. Wrong, but he was Mr. Right Now up until about 4:30 this morning.  Nothing serious happened.  We're not right for each other... I know it and he knows it, so it didn't get serious.  But it was nice to get a little cozy.  To flirt.  To touch someone.  To be touched back.  To be able to open up and talk to someone of the opposite sex knowing they're not judging me.  To know we do care about each other even though it would never work between us.  I've really missed that physical contact.  He gave me hope and assurance that I will find someone else.  I was so happy last night.

My "Wife" and "Husband"

The roommate and I were joking around yesterday with another one of our fake marriage fights.  This one was, "The driveway is just as much yours as it is mine and I'm tired of you parking on the road!  Park in the damn driveway, woman!"  It was awesome.  Anyways, our fake fight ended with her "sobbing", "Okay, okay.  I don't want a divorce!"

That word, divorce, unexpectedly hit me hard.  My face dropped and my heart sank.  All I could think was, I'm about to be divorced.  I didn't want a divorce.  I'm married.  I have a husband.  Here I am in this totally different life now, and I have a husband who I still love (for the life of me, don't know why) living his own different life with someone else.  The reality of it all kinda hit me again.

I thought we'd be officially divorced by now.  The paperwork was filed in early June, and in Mississippi there's only a 60-day waiting period, so I thought this whole thing would be over in early August.  I started looking for the paperwork to be in the mailbox around then, although I don't even know if that's how it works.  Will I get a call from his lawyer?  Official messenger? 

I don't really identify with my married name anymore, and it feels weird signing and saying it still.  Although I don't really identify with my maiden name anymore either.  Maybe I'll go down to just my first name, like Prince.  Worked for him.

Toy Story

Just a warning... I'm getting very personal... about gettin' busy... with myself.  I've written about sex before, but not sex toys.  Here we go!

I used to have a bunch of toys.  Different shapes, sizes, materials, uses.  I obtained them before meeting the husband, before being devirginized, and before even hearing of (forget being diagnosed with) endometriosis.  I enjoyed the vibrators, obviously, but not so much the penetration-oriented ones.  Never could get one in without intense pain.  I could stick a big ol' tampon up in there, but forget the actual fake penis thing.  (Yes, they're different, but similar concept.)  Not sure what the whole hymen situation was back then, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't much to speak of after allllll those years.

Anyways, after I was officially deflowered by an actual penis, the toys felt a little better.  But still not great.  They went in a lot easier, but they weren't really anything special.  They ended up not getting used much after I got hitched, so they were all discretely disposed of.

Now, I've never really discussed toys with friends or done any interwebz research, so I don't know if they're really supposed to create an orgasmic experience on their own anyway.  I keep wondering though, like everything else, if maybe it's just me.  Maybe they just don't feel great to me.  I have talked to friends about their experience with sex itself and how it feels for them.  None have endo, and I WANT TO FREAKIN SCREAM!!!  Sex for normal people must be absolutely fantastic.  They use words like awakening, mind blowing, life altering.  I WANT IT TO BE LIKE THAT!!!

Anyways, back to the toys... I recently got my first glass one.  "Cleverly curved for g-spot stimulation" with an attachable 10-function bullet.  Waited a few days for the roommate to start a multi-day work shift because it was supposed to be a little loud, and finally got to try it out yesterday.  The bullet was freakin fantastic.  The actual glass... not so much.  Given, nothing resembling anything phallic has been anywhere near me, much less inside me, for about six months now.  It's possible I may have tightened right on up a little over the past half of a freakin year, but this thing really isn't very large in diameter (chosen purposely to "ease" my way back into the swing of things).

I made sure I took my time, played a little and was good and "ready" beforehand.  It got where it was intended to go, but it really didn't feel that great.  It hurt.  I couldn't even tolerate it that long, and here I am still in pain the next day.  Just like after actual sex.  How the hell am I supposed to have actual sex with a real live human man ever again without sending him running for the hills?!?!  GAAAAHH!!!!!

My boobs...

...are enormous.  ...really hurt.  ...are bugging the crap out of me.

AF is on her way for the first time since getting back on stupid freakin birth control, and I really don't remember if this is normal.  I don't remember this much pain.  I don't remember popping out of my bras this much.  I don't remember it lasting this long.  Ever.

???

Love The Ones You're With

It seems crazy that people I met only three months ago have turned into better friends than people I've known for years.  My roommate, the girls at work, some of the random people I've met through them.  I already feel more connected to them than others I've known much, much longer.  We talk about more personal things, we make plans and follow through with them.  We really enjoy each others' company.

Maybe it's just me.  Maybe I'm finally comfortable enough with myself to allow other people in.  Maybe I'm finally starting to develop this skill that it seems like everyone else has had forever.  Maybe I'm finally growing up.

Whatever it is, it feels good.

Can't Buy Me Love

(Good movie, btw)

I'm selling my wedding dress.  My dream wedding dress.  And my engagement ring.  My grandmother's ring.  Both are very beautiful and mean a lot to me, but I need to let them go.  Emotionally I haven't been ready until now.  The decision about the dress wasn't quite as difficult as the one with the ring.  The dress is totally replaceable.  I look forward to finding a new dream dress for the next time.

The ring is different though.  It was an anniversary gift from my grandfather to grandmother years ago, and she left it to me when she passed.  They were both jewelers and she had many beautiful pieces.  This ring is an enormous rock and as much as I love it, I've always felt awkward wearing it.  Even if I put the stone into another setting, I would probably never wear it again and it would just sit in the bank.  Grandma wouldn't want that.

If I sell it, I could pay off all of my debts and actually be able to start saving for the future.  I could pay back my mom.  I could start a retirement account.  I could actually have more than twenty dollars left from each paycheck to pay for food and gas for the following two weeks.  I could eat more than pasta and yogurt.  I could start saving for a laparoscopy if I end up needing one down the line.

I want a family now more than ever.  I see all my friends with their beautiful children and I get heartsick.  Not so much for what I lost anymore, but that yearning still for what I've always wanted.  I thought it would have happened by now, and not to say that I'm old, but I am getting older and now is the best time to do it.  So I'm using that as a motivator.

Suddenly I See

I wasn't myself.  For a long time.  I'm wondering if I ever really knew who I was to begin with.  I knew I had a job and not a career.  I never really wanted a career.  I wanted to get married and have a family.  I was passing the time until that happened.

Then he found me.  Then I fell in love with him.  I thought he was all I would ever need.  He was the man I would spend the rest of my life being happy with, and together we would have a beautiful family.  Then we moved away from everything I knew.  Family, friends, my job.  And I was absolutely fine with it.  I'd always wanted to leave, and that was the perfect opportunity.  Besides, as long as I had him I was set.

Then the depression and anxiety that were always in the background came forward.  And they fed off of each other and just got worse.  I should have gotten help.  Whoever I was, if that was anyone at all, I lost her.  But it was okay, because I had him.  So I clung to him.  Too tightly.  And that pushed him away.  In my mind I knew what I was doing was bad for the relationship, but I just couldn't help it.  I wanted him to fill the emptiness I'd felt my entire life.  I wanted him to not want anything other than to be my everything.

As he was ending it all, I told him that he was my everything.  He said that that was wrong.  That I should be my everything.  I told him that was total bullshit.  And I believed it.  I still do.  But now, I see how I did need more than him.  I see how he needed more than I could offer at the time.  I'm still upset that he completely bailed on our vows and commitment to each other, but I guess I see part of his side a little more.

This has been an incredibly hard learning experience.  I keep wondering if I'm really growing or if the anti-depressants have just helped to calm me.  Since I started taking them, I almost feel like a completely different person.  The anxiety isn't as persistent.  The depression isn't always lurking.

I'd always felt like a basket case.  I'd always felt like there was something wrong with me, even though I didn't totally know what it was.  All that's not completely gone, but for the most part I really don't feel that way about myself anymore.  I almost feel good.  I do feel hopeful.  Well, right now anyways.

Blessingway

I had a wonderful experience yesterday... one of the best in my life, I think.  I went to a Blessingway Ceremony for my preggo road-tripping friend.  She's due any day now, and her friends and family gathered to offer their love and support to her and this baby for the rest of their days.  It was incredible to see all these amazing women creating such a circle of love.  I got emotional in a good way.  I teared up as we went around the circle and everyone offered blessings and expressed how much they cared and were so happy and proud for her.  

They told stories of their experiences with childbirth and offered advice.  I was overwhelmed by what a spiritual experience it was for so many of them.   We each gave her a special bead that will go onto a "power necklace" for her to wear during labor.  We took turns washing her feet in a bowl filled with essential oil scented water and flowers.  It was beautiful.  I felt peaceful and empowered.

I won't lie, I was a little jealous but more so I was truly overjoyed for her.  Her husband stroked her hair throughout the ceremony, and I was so happy that she has someone to love her like that.  They're going to be an incredible family.  Technically I'm already an aunt, but this will be my first real-feeling niece or nephew.  I can't wait. 

Boys, Booze and Breakfast at 3am

That was last night, and it was awesome.  Drank way too much and had a good time kinda kicking ass at some new card games.  Went to work after about three hours of sleep, came home, crashed, and doing it all again tonight.  I feel like a stupid teenager, but I'm really enjoying my new friends.  :)

Ten Things I Hate About You

Ah, Heath Ledger and his pretty hair....

Anyways, this is:

Things I Learned While With The Husband

- Love actually does exist.

- "Hold on loosely, but don't let go.  If you cling too tightly, you're gonna lose control."  Thanks, .38 Special.

- Trust your instinct.

- Men are really sensitive about some things no matter how much they act like they're not.

- As much as you want him to read your mind and just know what you want/need because you're really that in tune with each other, you've still got to ask for it.

- Don't move to Mississippi.  It's really hot.

- There's always something you don't know.
- You've got to talk to each other, especially about the hard stuff.  If you can't there's a problem between you two even though you think you're being sensitive to the other's feelings. 
- Yes, it was your fault too, but you've grown and know what does and doesn't work anymore.

- "If the sex is good, it's only 10 percent of the marriage. But if the sex is not so good, it's 90 percent. So do your darnedest to make sure it stays really, really good!"

- Don't ever, ever cry during sex.

- Women get hornier than men.
- If he says he wants to make a baby but finds an excuse not to do the only damn thing he has to do when it's time every single month, something's wrong. 
- If you practically beg him to get something medically checked out saying "It's important to me so I hope it's important to you" and he responds by yelling "I will never go to a doctor for this", something's wrong. 

-  Don't have a roommate when you're married, especially a single one who drinks a lot and stays high all the time, no matter how good a friend he is.

- He can't fix your daddy issues, but sometimes he can help you get over some of them.

- "Forever" doesn't last as long as you think it will, and even though he says he'll never leave you, he just might.
- If he gets a girlfriend right afterward and broadcasts it to the world when he was previously too scared to tell anyone he abruptly ended your marriage, he's ridiculously insensitive and isn't worth your tears.

- There is life after him.  It really sucks for awhile, but it will get better.

- If you have a beautiful engagement ring wear it all the freakin time because if things end you may never want to wear it ever again, even if it was your grandmother's.

- "Boys are stupid... throw rocks at them."

That was a few more than ten, but oh fucking well.