Hello Again

This probably won't become a regular thing, so don't get your hopes up, but I want to write... something.  I've debated if it should be in a journal or just a note on my phone. Then I remembered this place, but it felt kind of weird coming back here. Even though this has been my safe space, I think I was using it in the wrong way. I feel I became self-indulgent here, and I don't want to do that again. 

My life is completely different now, and even though I have a lot of the same feelings and emotional struggles, I think I'm in a better place mentally to not go down that road again. With my bouts of depression and anxiety I tend to get really down, and it's been happening more lately. I believe quite a bit of it has been due to the holidays and missing my mother so much; I am still so very sad that she's not around to know her grandson, especially this time of year. But through everything a single thought keeps coming back and hitting me…

I have everything I’ve always wanted out of life.

Yes, there are things I'd still like to do and places I want to see and live, but the one main dream I've had for my life has come to be. How incredible is that? How lucky am I? 

I've found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Together we created this perfect little human being who happens to be the coolest little dude I've ever met. I wasn't sure I'd get to experience any of that.

My heart now swells daily, and I am so very thankful for that.

Dream Come True

You know how my whole life all I've ever wanted is to have a family?

I'M FUCKING PREGNANT!!!!

Oh. My. God.  I still can't believe it!  And on the freakin first month off of birth control.  No way did I ever think it would happen this fast and I was fully prepared for it to be a long process.  Nope!

So, getting personal here...

A few days after I should have ovulated, my boobs got super sore and my nipples just stayed in a constant state of alert.  Which they never do.  It was so freakin weird.  I figured it was just PMS starting early and coming on strong.  So, I got closer and closer to when AF was due and was slightly cramping, but had no spotting, which I always do.

So I decided to take a test.

I laid it down, set a timer, and walked out of the room fully expecting to return to a single line.  Like always.  I had to walk back in to get something and decided to just peek at it even though there were a few minutes left.

Big, dark BFP staring right at me!

No fucking way.  Are you serious?  OH MY GOD!!!

Shake, laugh, and cry.  That's what I did.  It was later morning, and the boyfriend wouldn't be home until evening, and I decided not to call him at work.  I did take another test just to see, and sure enough, another BFP.  Sweet!

I headed to the computer and researched some interesting ways to tell him.  Many would take some planning, and I didn't want to wait.  I had a huge multi-picture frame thing that I'd been wanting to fill up, so I decided to use that.  I took a selfie of me holding the positive test and one of the dog in shaming style with a sign that said "I will not bark at the baby."  I filled the remaining spots with pictures of the two of us.

I covered it with a blanket and prepared for a grand reveal.  He came home, and I let him get settled while acting totally normal.  I told him I wanted to show him something I had made that day and he followed me over.  I should have ripped the blanket off all at once, but he grabbed a corner and just saw the picture of the dog and sign.  He looked at me and asked, "Is that supposed to mean something?"  I told him "Yes."  He replied, "Really?" "Yep."  Then he smiled and hugged me.  It was wonderful.

We ended up telling family and very close friends.  Everyone was so excited, and I loved getting to say the words, "I'm pregnant."

His brother and sister-in-law invited us for dinner the next day, and on the way over we got to talking about getting married.  We wanted to go ahead and make it legal, then have a ceremony this summer.

We're getting married tomorrow!!  I'm overjoyed.

While we were with his family, we asked their opinions on dates and venues and ended up doing a full on search almost all night.  We've pretty much decided on somewhere in the NC mountains.  I've got two meetings in the next couple of weeks set up to tour places that have our date available.  I can't believe this is all happening so quickly.  A week ago I didn't even know I was pregnant, much less that we'd be getting married anytime soon.

This is incredible.

Holiday Update

I don't think I've ever gone this long without writing here.  So much has happened.  I left my job and moved in with my stepdad back in September.  His health has been so up and down, sometimes doing a 180 from one day to the next.  He kept having mini strokes, and about a month or so ago he started having seizures.  I don't know how his body continues to take on so much stress.

He's still distraught over the loss of Mom, which is completely understandable.  I am too.  But now, when I really need the man to be my father, it's like he completely forgets that I too lost the single most important person in my life.  I'm struggling with that.

Our days are fairly routine... wake up, breakfast, then he snoozes until his hospice aid comes for his daily "washing up".  Thank goodness I haven't had to take that on.  I mean, I would if I had to, but with my back, I'm not sure I physically could.  Anyways, while she's at the house, I get out for about an hour to run any errands or try to get to the gym for a bit.  We play golf on the PlayStation for a majority of the afternoon which seems to take his mind off his grief and pain for a little while at least.  If he's doing well enough after dinner, I go to my home to spend a couple of hours with the boyfriend and the pets.  Head back to the house, make sure he's comfortable for the night and that all meds have been taken and are prepared for the next day.  Try to sleep.  Wash, rinse, repeat.

I hope it doesn't sound like I'm complaining.  I am truly grateful for whatever time he has left, and I'm glad I'm able to take care of him.  But lately, it's just seemed so hard.  Maybe it's the holidays.  I'm missing Mom terribly.  I thought I'd be okay, but the closer to Christmas it gets, the more I seem to be unraveling.

And as usual, I'm also freaking out about if I'll ever get to have kids.  The boyfriend and I have been together well over a year now, and I'm fairly confident he's the one.  I can't imagine being without him.  I had a feeling he might propose sometime over the holidays, but I guess we'll see.  In less than two months I will turn 35 years old, and I keep feeling like it's now or never for kids.  My endo pain seems to get a little stronger each month, and I'm so scared that if I don't do it soon, then it truly may not be possible for me.  We haven't used protection almost the whole time we've been together, and nothing.

How the hell would that work anyway?!  He lives in my two-bedroom house, and I live in my stepdad's two bedroom house.  If I were to get pregnant, WTF would we do?  Either house would be too small, and I don't know if moving my stepdad would even be an option.  Not to mention, he wouldn't do well with my pets, and getting rid of them is not going to happen.

I feel like everything is stacking up, and I'm freaking out.  I just don't know what to do.  I think I'm going to look for a therapist next month.

Suck Ass Birthday

Second back surgery was this past week, the day before my birthday.  One nurse said, "Anesthesia... the gift that keeps on giving."  Yeah...

Apparently it went well.  The surgeon said he removed a lot of scar tissue from the last surgery (that can't be good though, right?) and cleaned the disc out really well so nothing else would come out.  I don't remember much from the recovery room except answering some questions... maybe.  My room was just like last time, and I slept a lot.  I had a few visitors who brought flowers.  The boyfriend took me home the next day and I slept some more.

For some reason though, this whole experience has me feeling a little discontented.  During the pre-op visit with the surgeon the week before surgery his demeanor that day just bothered me.  I asked a myriad of questions about what exactly I should and should not do so that this doesn't happen again.  He answered them but basically said he wants me to live my life and doesn't want me to have to act like a 60-year-old in what I do.  He said to use common sense, but then was all, "And if it does happen again we'll just go in again and fuse."  Yes, we'd talked about it before, but there was something about how casually he said it this time that pissed me off... like, yeah, whatever, no big deal if it does happen.  That is a big fucking deal to me!  During that appointment I also brought up wanting to get pregnant at some point and asked some questions about that.  So yeah, he's had several patients have a disc rupture again during a pregnancy and there's not a damn thing you can do about it until after the baby comes.  That would be my luck.

Then the anesthesiologist bothered me.  He asked if I'd had anesthesia before and if I'd had any trouble with it.  I told him last time they said I woke up agitated.  He snapped back, "I don't care how you wake up.  We can give you more and knock you back out again."  I'm not sure if that second sentence is exactly what he said, but his tone pissed me the fuck off.

When back in my room after it was all over, I found a second IV in my other hand.  They had told me they would put in after I was asleep, so no biggie.  But it wasn't going to be used again after surgery and was very painful, so I asked at least five different people several times if I could have it removed.  I think I started asking around 9pm, which was nine hours after surgery was over, and it was finally taken out at 4am.  And apparently they had a hard time getting that one in because I have two other insertion spots on that hand and wrist that are majorly bruised and sore.  Third time was a charm, I guess?

So after it all I went home and the boyfriend was weird all day, like he always is after I have surgery.  He's very standoffish and doesn't console or anything (he says it's because he doesn't like seeing people in pain).  He didn't even get me a birthday present.  But he has been cooking dinner and doing everything around the house, and I guess that's how he shows his love.  And he did get me a card and told me he's ordered a present, so there's that.  I did get a call from my peeps at work on speakerphone, which was amazing and probably the highlight of my birthday.

We're not doing anything for Valentine's Day.  I pretty much can't anyway.  I made him a dirty card but can't follow through on anything in it.  Maybe we'll go out to dinner next weekend or something.

I've felt like a bucket of shit since I got home.  My back hurts so terribly.  The pain wasn't anywhere near this bad after the first surgery, and the meds make me feel so freakin sick.  I'm just miserable.  And home alone for 12 hours a day.  It's awesome.

And the fucking cherry on top came in a text message this morning.  One of my "sisters" sent a mass text to her sisters, mother and me just saying Happy Valentine's Day.  The mother responded with similar tidings, but of course also had to add in that "to some of the best mommies I know."  I guess that didn't apply to me.  RUB IT THE FUCK IN, WHY DON'T YOU?!?!

Man I'm bitching a lot.  I have so much to be thankful for... I made it through surgery which will hopefully stick this time.  My step-dad is still alive for now.  I have so many people who love me.

I just physically and emotionally feel like shit, so please excuse me.

Meals and MRIs

Hello all!  It's been quite a while!  A lot has been going on as it always seems to during the holiday season.  We were prepping for some of the boyfriend's friends to join us for a few days over Thanksgiving and were a little frantic for a bit.  We had to finish the guest bathroom which had been taken apart for painting a couple of months ago.  I'm happy to say it turned out very nicely.  We also needed to declutter the rest of the house to make room for two adults, two little kiddos and their large dog.  The house looked amazing!  Then they didn't come.  They would have been driving through that snow storm that hit the east coast the Wednesday before and didn't want to risk their family's safety.  We were bummed, but it was the right decision.

So instead all of the boyfriend's local family came over for dinner!  I was freaking out about cooking everything, but it turned out amazing.  We prepped as much as we could the night before and the morning of, and the actual afternoon cooking went very smoothly.  We did a deep fried turkey for the first time, and it really was one of the best I've ever had.  The whole event was relaxed and all eight of us fit in our little house pretty well.  They brought over three bottles of wine and about two whole glasses were partaken of one, so I've had some nice evenings since then, haha.

I am so thankful that I love his family and they seem to love me!  They are all so wonderful and we get along well.  The conversation always flows easily, and I feel very comfortable around them all.  I loved my former in-laws very much, but I never felt like I could relax around them.  Maybe it's because they were my first experience with "meeting the parents" and I really didn't know how to act.  Me being all awkward in general anyways didn't help, I'm sure.  It is a great relief to know that my future in-laws are freakin fantastic.

But through all this holiday wonderfulness, there have been some troubles.  Mainly, my back.  Oh, my aching back.  Well, leg actually.  The sciatic pain returned for good about a month and a half ago and PT isn't helping anymore.  I met with my surgeon who ordered an MRI with contrast, which I had this past week.  It was pure torture.  I can't lie on my back for more than a minute without being in some pretty horrific pain, and the MRI required I be in that position for about half an hour.  I was in tears it was so awful.  But they said the images turned out great, so there's that.

I meet with the surgeon again week after next to discuss the results.  He said it could either be scar tissue from the back surgery or something could be going on with a disc again.  I'm so frustrated and tired of being in pain every fucking day.  Luckily I have lots of good pain pills left over from the surgeries this year and they're actually working now with no side effects.  I'm thankful for that.  I'm just really nervous to hear what's wrong.

No more walking dead...

I feel much better now.  It was definitely the pain medication that was making me feel like crap, so I just stopped taking it this weekend.  No withdrawals like after the last surgery, so yay!  I feel so much better and not as much like a zombie anymore.  My appetite is back and I have a little more energy.  Emotionally I feel a lot better now also.  I still tear up occasionally, but not at all like I had been.

I was supposed to have a follow-up appointment with my local OBGYN today, but I still haven't received the operation packet yet.  Dee Dee from Dr. Sinervo's office called this morning to check in on me and answered some questions.  I love her.  I really wish I could use them as my regular OBGYN.

I went to PT for my back yesterday because it has been hurting again.  I couldn't do a whole lot, but she helped with some stretching.  She is very interested to see how things will go as I continue healing since my last flare-ups have been matched up with my cycle starting.  I'm interested to see that as well.  She is pretty amazing too.  She had everyone there sign a "get well soon" type card for me, which was not expected at all.  And she's gonna squeeze me in next week for an unofficial non-appoitment on one of the machines there just to keep me loose and flexible while I'm healing.

I stopped by my workplace on the way back from PT to pick up my paycheck and to say hello.  I'm very bummed that I've had to use all of my vacation and personal days on these surgeries, but I feel lucky to even be able to.  It's also nice that there are three paydays this month.  :)  Everyone was happy to see me and said they were looking forward to my return, which looks like will begin with some half days starting a week from today.  My energy level is better than before, but I still lose steam very, very quickly.  I just don't see full days happening just yet.  And again, I feel lucky that my workplace is flexible in that respect and will allow me to return when I feel ready.

I made a voice recording on my phone at the post-op appointment back in Atlanta which I listened to today.  I really was pretty out of it for that.  It was good to be able to go back to hear again and remember some things that were said.

Also while listening, I realized that my voice really sounds like my mother's sometimes, which is not a bad thing at all.  She is so kind and friendly towards everyone she meets.  She was amazing during our trip, and I grew to appreciate her so much more, not that I didn't already.  She has always been there for me no matter what, and I hope that I can be half the incredible mother she has been for me.

She received an email from my aunt the other day saying that my cousin wanted Dr. Sinervo's information.  She finally confirmed that my cousin has endo and has been suffering for years.  This is the cousin that was never able to conceive.  I hope that she's able to see him and find some relief.  I love that through this albeit hard endo journey, I've learned so much and can hopefully help other people with information or even from just referring them to Dr. Sinervo.

I guess that's enough for now.  Everyone have a good rest of your day.

Post-Op Review

I'm home.  The rides down and back were long.  Pre-op was a big ol' kerfuffle.  Surgery itself went well.  Recovery has been a bitch.  And now I'm home.  Resting.  And doing laundry.

It started with the hotel calling while we were driving down there to inform us that they didn't have a room for us.  Are you kidding me?  We chose that hotel because it was less than two miles from the doctor's office and the hospital.  We ended up with a free night but at a hotel about eight miles away.  Now eight miles doesn't sound far, but in Atlanta traffic on 285 it meant driving at least half an hour to get anywhere... what should have only taken us five to ten minutes at our first choice.

The day before surgery we decided to go the hospital for their pre-op requirements in the morning since the appointment with the surgeon wasn't until the afternoon.  Northside is a bigger hospital than I've ever encountered and was interesting to navigate.  When we finally arrived at where we needed to be, they informed us we were supposed to see them after the pre-op appointment at Dr. Sinervo's office, which no one had told us.  Apparently no one informed us of some other things either.  I got all flustered, but everything worked out in the end, and luckily we didn't have to go back later.

When his appointment rolled around, I met everyone in the office I had been talking to and emailing with for the past few months.  Dr. Sinervo really is as amazing as everyone says he is.  He's warm and friendly and gives really strong hugs.  So does Dee Dee. We spoke with Dr. Sinervo, then he got the privilege of being the first male doctor to ever go "down there".   He did a pelvic exam and a vaginal ultrasound and told me I had pelvic floor dysfunction and a retroverted uterus, which I didn't know.  Dee Dee held my hand and wiped my tears during the painful exam.  Based on everything, he decided to do a few more things while he'd be in there the next day.  In addition to excision, partial vaginectomy, and possible bowel resection, he wanted to do a cystoscopy to look in the bladder, a hysteroscopy to look in the uterus, and to flush my tubes (can't remember the official term) to make sure they were ok.  I left his office that day knowing I had chosen the right doctor.

That entire day I had been on a clear liquid diet, and that afternoon I started the dreaded bowel prep.  Actually, neither was as bad as I had been anticipating.  I wasn't quite as hungry as I had been expecting, and the bowel prep was a ton of liquid that really filled me up.  I had eaten light the couple of days before that also, so that evening wasn't as gruesome as I'd been picturing.

The next day we arrived at the hospital a little before 5:30am.  Admissions was quick and I was soon back in the pre-op area.  After I was all dressed down and hooked up, they let my mother come back to pass the time with me.  We met the anesthesiologist, who was amazing, and many others on my team for that day.  After they wheeled me into the operating room, Dr. Sinervo held my hand and comforted me as I drifted off to sleep.  What an incredible man.

Surgery lasted about two hours, and I was in recovery for about three.  I had kind of a rough time in there and was relieved when I was finally allowed to go into my private room.  My mom came in a little later, and I immediately asked her what the doctor said he found.  Here's the rundown:

- My uterus was retroverted because it was attached to my bowel... ouch!  He unattached it, put it back in its proper place and excised the endo on them both.
- The endo on the bowel and rectum was superficial, so he didn't have to go into the muscle layer or do a resection.
- My ovaries were also scarred down in that area, and he was able to free them up.
- There was a nodule of endo going through the vaginal wall, so he had to cut out part of the vagina and stitch it up.
- Endo was excised on the uterosacral ligaments and part of the abdominal wall.
- Removed the appendix because it was stiff with possible endo.
- Inside of uterus and bladder looked fine.  Tubes looked fine.

Dr. Sinervo came to visit the next day and went over all of the above.  He also said the endo was Stage IV due to "complete obliteration of the cul-de-sac," but from a fertility standpoint it was more like a Stage II.  He added that after this surgery, my chances for natural conception went up from 60% to about 80-85%!!  That's so exciting!  He also said that the endo shouldn't come back.  The fact that I should be able to live my life from now on without that pain brings an amazing feeling.

But the next three periods should be bad, they said, and it figures that I started two days after surgery!  It's been rough.  The pain meds they sent me home with were too strong for me, and I've felt like absolute crap.  And I can't stop freakin crying!  I've heard that's normal after this kind of surgery, but come on.

I had a post-op appointment at Dr. Sinervo's office yesterday morning, but it was with a doctor I was unfamiliar with.  He introduced himself and said he worked with Dr. Sinervo, then went over the pictures from surgery and some follow up care instructions.  The fact that it wasn't Dr. Sinervo upset me, and I was really out of it from the pain meds, so of course I started tearing up.  Geez.  Dee Dee held my hand again and was so comforting.  I had some questions but could barely get the words out right, but luckily my wonderful mother helped me there.  This doctor did the best he could and tried to be comforting.  I did end up seeing Dr. Sinervo before I left, and he gave me another wonderful hug.

After the appointment, we headed back to the hotel and decided to get on the road.  We were going to drive about halfway and stop for the night, but we ended up trucking it all the way home.  For some reason I felt like I wasn't ready to be home yet though.  Emotionally I really wanted to stay at a hotel one more night.  I didn't feel ready to face the real world just yet.  But I could tell that my mom was anxious to get home, so I didn't say anything.  She's been absolutely incredible through all of this.  So supportive and there for whatever I needed.

So now I'm home.  It feels kinda weird, and I don't know why.  The overcast sky outside matches my mood.  I should be happy... I just had the surgery that I've been wanting to have for years and got really good news about my fertility.  My insides are going to be as normal as possible, and I'm going to feel better.  So why am I so freakin sad??  Even though I know it's normal to feel like this right now, it's really bothering me.  They say after a little time I'll feel like normal again, so that's what I'll plan for.

But to end this on a good note, I feel so very thankful.  For finding an amazing doctor and sticking to my guns about seeing him.  For finally being able to go through with this surgery.  For all of the support I've received from family and friends all of these years.  I am truly lucky.

One Week

This time next week I will be in Atlanta about to meet the amazing Dr. Sinervo for the first time for my pre-op appointment.  I'm so nervous and excited.  I've got my list of questions for him prepared and am eager to hear what he'll have to say.  I keep hearing he's a very kind individual, and I'm thankful that I'm able to see him.  And be operated on by him because he's one of the best.

I got a call from the hospital in Atlanta yesterday for a pre-surgical assessment which took about 20 minutes.  The nurse I talked to was super nice and took my history and told me where to go and when.  Turns out I have to go into the hospital after meeting with Dr. Sinervo at his office for blood work and such.  I had that a week before my last surgery and I don't know why I didn't even think about it for this one.

I've gotten almost all the necessary supplies for the procedures before and after surgery, and pretty much just need to stock up on food to take.  It'll be interesting staying in a hotel with a mini-kitchen for a week.  Gotta do laundry and pack this weekend, since I'm working Monday.  I think I'm prepared.  I hope so at least.

Bloggers Unite for EndoMarch: Week 10 - Reflection

It was incredible.  Simply incredible.

The day began with the Educational Symposium at Mellon Auditorium.  It was absolutely beautiful and very elegant.  I loved hearing all the doctors speak and the panel discussion afterward.  One doctor estimated there could be a blood test (or possibly a similar non-invasive test) to detect endometriosis within two to five years!  We heard about how different organizations are doing research for the disease, and it was amazing to actually see the people who are trying to find us a cure!

Dr. Camran Nezhat, celebrity of the day
and one of the main sponsors and founders.

Some of the doctors who spoke.

After the symposium, I headed to the site of the Call to Action ceremony on the National Mall...

It was impressive.

All four Doctors Nezhat spoke, as did other doctors and a few celebrities.  The patient testimonials were very emotional for me.  I cannot believe what some endosisters have been through and how strong they are.  One woman spoke of how she'd had 18 surgeries!  Just... wow.  If I'm not mistaken (which it's possible I am... the cold messed with my brain that day!) she was also the one to have endo on her lungs!  Unbelievable.

Doctors Ceana, Farr and Azadeh Nezhat,
sponsors and founders of the event.

After a performance by Sheryl Crow...

...it was time to march!  And march we did.  Down the mall, across and down the streets and back to Mellon Auditorium.  How incredible it was to be surrounded by so many endosisters and their supporters!

We marched to raise awareness.  We marched to "empower, educate and effect."

Because it's

Because we are powerful women and together we have endless amounts of

With this march we let the world know that we will no longer accept the pain from endometriosis.  We will not tolerate having our disease disregarded and our pain dismissed.  We will no longer keep quiet and will be our own advocates for health.

We will never let go of our

http://www.millionwomenmarch2014.org/

♪ Breakdown... go ahead and give it to me! ♫

A little Tom Petty to start your morning.

I have been on vacation from work going on 72 hours now.  It's been busy so far, but now I'm... aaaaahhhh.  That was a relaxing one, not a screaming one.  I'm sipping coffee now catching up on some internet stuff.  This is the first time I've slowed down since being released at noon on Saturday.

Got out of work and had a nice couple come over to look at my old wedding dress I've been trying to sell for years.  She tried it on and said she'd get back to me.  I headed to visit my parents like I do every Saturday afternoon.  Ended up using a chainsaw for the first time to chop down and up a small tree that had fallen in their yard.  I was all "I am kayak, hear me roar" again, but my step-dad pointed out that I'm working for that canoe.  Yes, yes I am.   And I'm okay with that.  :)

After leaving their house, I headed to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription of birth control, my miracle pain management drug, with my spiffy new insurance.  It went from $75 for a three-month supply to absolutely nothing.  Zilch, zero, nada.  The lady checking me out said, "Well, that's a big difference" as she just handed me the bag.  I was all.... huh??  This is the first time I've had insurance in a very long time, and I really didn't know if there would be a copay or what, so I was floored when she told me it didn't cost me anything.  So awesome!  And very helpful.  I'm very thankful.

Saturday evening I headed to the boyfriend's house and we had a nice dinner.  Sunday we went on the hunt for yellow shoelaces for my Chucks for the EndoMarch, but could not find any anywhere.  We must have looked in five different shoe stores.  They had neon yellow, but not regular old yellow.  Ended up buying ten feet of parachute (not sure if that was the brand or what it was) cord and cutting it down to size.  Whatever works.

Went back to his place and played with the dogs in the back yard for a long time.  It was a beautiful sunny day, and we saw a gorgeous bald eagle floating and soaring in the wind above us.  I haven't seen one since I was very young and lived more inland.  I've never seen one here before.  It was amazing.

Yesterday, well, I guess I slowed down in the morning.  I was a bum.  Then I met my parents for an early dinner at a local seafood restaurant they've been wanting to try.  It was yummy.  Then I attempted to buy jeans.  Yeah, that never works.  Nothing ever fits right.  So I took myself to Michael's and bought a yellow hat and iron on decals for the EndoMarch.  We'll see how that goes today.

Last night I babysat my two nieces for a bit while her mother went to teach a yoga class.  It tried my patience a little, but I'm proud to say I came out with a win.  Not bad for my first time babysitting two youngins!  When my sis returned home, we did our weekly dinner and watched the newest Grey's Anatomy.  That's our show, yo. 

Tonight I'm attending my first FB virtual party.  It's for Jamberry Nails.  I love nail stuff, so should be interesting.  Maybe I'll win a little something.

This recap has been interesting stuff, I know.  Hehe.  Anyways, I'm off to officially start my day of prep for traveling to DC tomorrow and for the EndoMarch Thursday... but that's another post.  :)

Snowy Birthday

Today is my birthday, and I am feeling so full of hope.  Maybe because I always enjoy my birthday.  A lot of days I don't feel so hopeful or useful or successful, but on my birthday, for at least one day of the year, I let myself feel special.

I'm 31 today, and I have a lot to be thankful for.  It's a beautiful snow day.  We got about ten inches yesterday, which is pretty unheard of in this part of the state.  There's supposed to be a wintry mix of precipitation for a good part of today that will switch to just rain later.  So hopefully the roads will be okay later for me to travel on to see my wonderful boyfriend.  I really want some birthday nookie, hehe.

I'm very thankful for him, not just for the nookie.  He's got a unique personality which has taken me awhile to get truly familiar with, but I love him dearly for it.  It's taken him awhile to navigate my personality too, but now that we know each other so well, we click amazingly. 

I've already received so many well birthday wishes from friends and family, and it warms my heart to think that so many people care about me.  I am lucky to have such a wonderful support system.

I've got this crazy guy...

I joked he was warning me not to cut his nails, but he was really just yawning.  He and my wild pups round out my life and make it so fun.

On this cold day, I have a warm house and food to eat.  These are just a few, and I have so many more things to be thankful for.

Including pancakes.

Which I'm going to make right now.

Everyone have a wonderful day!

More Bullet Points

I don't know why I don't write as much anymore.  Every time I sit down to do it I draw a blank.  I get to thinking that when I'm happy there's not a whole lot of interesting thing to write about.  So, here's a list in no particular order...

- The roommate became officially engaged yesterday.  Her fiance flew over late Thanksgiving day and will be with us for a week.  He proposed yesterday morning, and she's crazy happy.  They have this long plan, but the basics of it all is that they're getting married on paper at the courthouse next week, which I will be the witness of.  Then they'll have an actual wedding sometime next year, which she asked me to be maid of honor at.  Eeeeek!

- Thanksgiving was good.  My mother had to go into work in the afternoon, so we had a lunch.  The boyfriend had to work all day, so I took him a big plate of leftovers.  I headed to my "sisters'" parents' house for desserts and hanging out in the evening.  It was a good day.

- For once, it felt awesome to be surrounded by kids at Thanksgiving.  My sisters' three kids are three weeks, 10 months, and two years old... and I got to play with them all.  Usually I shy away, but these kids are definitely family.  When someone asked if anyone wanted to hold the smallest for a bit, I jumped right up and savored the opportunity.  I see her every week, but I love holding that little one.  Being around them makes me feel more confident about how I'll be as a mother one day.

- I am now known for my caramel pecan pie.  I made a couple for a staff potluck a couple of weeks ago and had a coworker ask if I'd make her one for Thanksgiving, which I did.  She asked me for more at Christmas, as did another coworker.  Making a few bucks in the process, not too shabby.  I took one to my parents' house.  I took one to the dinner at the sisters', and it had been highly anticipated.  One particular "in-law" loved it so much last year and had been looking forward to it this year.  I may start taking one every time I visit them, haha.

- The boyfriend and I are still doing amazingly!  His work schedule is about to change, so we'll get two whole days to spend with each other during the week now instead of one.  I can't wait!  He's about to get a decent raise soon too, which I know will help him.  He works so hard, and I'm so proud of him.

- He's going to help me put up my new Christmas tree next week, which is beautiful!  It's all rustic-looking with pine cones and berries.  It's going to look fabulous!

- I wrote a card to Holiday Mail for Heroes today.  Per the Red Cross:  "Once a year, we get the joy of delivering holiday greetings to veterans, military families and active-duty service members at hospitals and installations around the world."  It felt pretty awesome to send a little note of greetings and thanks to them.

- I had four homemade scarves to donate this winter.  I've been knitting for the sake of knitting on and off since July or August, and it feels good to give what I've made to a good cause.  I had an opportunity to sell my scarves in a local store a couple of months ago, but I had to turn it down.  Making and donating them to someone who really needs them makes me happy.  I don't have much to give, but it's a little something I can do.

- It snowed a couple of weeks ago!!  It was just flurries, but it was beautiful!  Falling from the sky that night were the quintessential six-pointed, perfectly shaped snowflakes.  I stared at them in wonder as they landed individually on my coat.  I've either never seen or just hadn't noticed any before.  Usually when I see snow, it's coming down in clumps, so maybe I just hadn't had the chance before.  Either way, it was beautiful and strange for November in this part of NC.  I loved it!

- We had a flood a couple of weeks ago too... at work.  I walked in one day to find the entire front of the building (the store, groom room, office, hallway, bathrooms, mini-kitchen, drying areas) under at least two inches of water.  A pipe had burst in a wall overnight, and who knows how long it had been pouring out.  We spent about two hours squeegeeing it all either out the front door or into a drain in the hallway bathroom.  It was rough.

All in all, life is still good.  This stretch from Halloween to New Years is my favorite time of year, and I am thoroughly enjoying it!

Woah!

Wow, it's been a crazy long time since I've written.  There's been plenty to write about, but I either didn't know how to put it all into words or just didn't feel like it.  Work is going well.  The manager has been out a good amount lately, which has been a little stressful for me, but we're getting through it.  One girl I've worked with for a really long time has been addicted to pills and almost got fired, but I think she's finally decided she wants to quit and has seemed better this past week.  I'm planning a vacation at the end of October to visit some friends and see Matt Nathanson in concert, finally!!  Excited for that and ready for a break.

I've still been hanging out once a week with the ex-bf, although we certainly don't act like we're broken up.  He even expressed the slightest bit of jealousy a couple of weeks ago at the thought of me with another guy.  He calls me beautiful all the time which he never really used to do, and I hear so much more emotion in his voice when he tells me he loves me now.  I just don't know what to think.

The new house is still awesome and definitely feels like home now.  I've been doing a lot of lawn care lately, and it feels awesome and empowering when I mow, weed eat and blow off the patio and sidewalk start to finish.  It looks really good, and I'm the only woman in my little neighborhood nook that really does it.  I even drug out the ladder yesterday to do a little maintenance outside, and the whole "I am kayak, hear me roar" thing totally applied.  It feels good.

My sister's baby shower was this weekend, and it went fairly well.  They're always awkward and never go by without some heart pangs, but it was nice.  There were kids absolutely everywhere, so I hung out away from them.  I think the worst part was actually buying the card for it the day before.  I was standing in the card aisle and reading through all the different options when it hit me.  I fought back the tears right there in the middle of the store, but a few managed to come out.

Anyways, after most of the people had left from the shower and it was just family and a couple of close friends, we had a blessing circle for the baby and that was beautiful, as always.  A little while after that more people arrived for a birthday/going away dinner for another sister, and that was fun.  Her long-time boyfriend is a Marine and will be moving a few states away for at least the next year, and she's decided to go with him.  It's only a matter of time before news of an engagement, I believe.  They're adorable together, and I'm happy for them.

The next morning all of us "sisters" and their significant others gathered at a wonderful restaurant downtown for breakfast.  Only later when looking through pictures did I realize that I was the only single, non paired up person there, and surprisingly it didn't even bother me.  Those people are my family, and I love when we're all in one town spending time together.  Even their fellas... I've known them all so long now that they feel like family too.  I'm very lucky to have such wonderful, supportive people in my life.

On the schedule today is getting my car registration renewed.  I hope it's not a process though because I also have to get the bank off the title now that I fully own it and also change it out of my married name, which I guess I never did.  After that I may hit the gym.  Oh my... exciting news... I've been loosing weight, and I feel like I'm starting to look like my old self!  I've lost about 13 pounds in the past few months, which is amazing for me, and I want to lose about 20 more and tone up.  I'm on the way!! :)

I guess that's about it for now.  Thanks for checking in.  Have a great day!

Sending Thanks to a Stranger

I remembered someone earlier this week and have been thinking about this person ever since. The morning after my ex first told me he wanted to take a break I headed back to NC. I dropped him off at work first and gave him what I wondered if would be our last kiss (turns out it was). Before leaving town I stopped at a gas station to fill up the tank, get some snacks and a pack of cigarettes for the road. It was pretty early in the morning and I was the only customer there.

I was fighting back the tears and trying my damnedest not to cry until I got back to the car. I was doing well until the attendant started making polite conversation. He made the comment that I didn't look the type to smoke, to which I replied with a slight forced smile that I didn't usually smoke much. Those words came out halfway decently. Then he said some more things, and as I replied a quick "Thanks, you too" to his "Have a nice day" my words got all garbled and the tears welled. Very embarrassed, I hurried out of the store and back to my car. I had to rearrange a few things and a minute or so later I got in the driver's seat. Right about then the attendant guy walked out of the store and right up to my door.

I rolled down the window, and he asked if I was alright. I insisted I was, but he kept pressing. He said he felt like he'd made me cry and felt awful. We were just having a conversation, and then I was all upset. He asked if there was anything he could help with and at some point even asked if it had to do with my husband. I lied and said I had some family things back home to attend to. He was then worried about how I'd be driving ten hours all upset like that. I told him I was used to the trip and would be fine.

He asked for my name then said something like "I will never forget that name and will always remember you. Will you please stop by when you come back to let me know you're okay?" I said I would. I think he told me his name was Joseph, but I'm not completely sure about that.

I did end up stopping back by when I actually left that town for the final time, but he wasn't there. I didn't want to ask "Hey, is there a Joseph that works here? Will you please tell him I'm okay?" That would have been weird. Plus, I remember him wearing a wedding band and I didn't want to potentially cause any problems or suspicion of such.

So, Joseph, if you're out there... I want to thank you for your kindness and concern for a stranger. I was in a rough spot, and you showed me compassion when I really needed it. I'm doing okay now.

Good and Bad

A quote from Marilyn Monroe (who also had endo) keeps running through my head.  It goes, "If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."  It's so very true.  People will come and go from your life, but those that stick around for the hard times truly do care and want to be there throughout it.  The boyfriend got a glimpse of me at my worst and didn't run or freak out.  He was calm and collected and realized that it's just one part of me.  It's worth it stick around and get back to the good parts.  I think he's a keeper. :)

Oh, and we totally got the house!!

Irene

This is my smiling puppy at the park today.

A few days ago that park was under an enormous amount of water.  Today, trees were down all around and picnic tables that had been secured to the ground in concrete were moved to new locations as determined by Hurricane Irene.

This is what she did at my house.

Moments before it fell, I was looking at it through my roommate's window and watching the swing attached to a strong branch blow from side to side.  I decided that the wind had calmed down just enough to take the puppy out, since he hadn't been out since the storm had arrived and had to go.  So I walked to the front door to get his leash, and then I turned around and looked outside again through the back door.  The tree was down.  In a matter of what couldn't have been more than fifteen seconds this huge piece of the earth just tumbled down.  Thank goodness it fell the way it did and not the other and onto the house.

I got lucky.  During the past two days I've talked to so many people who have lost absolutely everything.  Their houses, cars, all personal belongings.  But they still had their pets, and they needed a safe place to put their precious family members until they can figure out how they're going to regroup and start over.  It's been absolutely heartbreaking hearing all of their stories.  I'm glad we can help to give them one less thing to worry about for a little while.

In 1999 my best friends lost their house and most of their belongings to flooding caused by Hurricane Floyd.  The water rose to just under the top of their chimney.  During this storm, a friend awoke to her yard completely flooded.  At one point she posted pictures and stated pretty matter-of-factually that her home would soon be too.  I immediately told her that her family could stay with me, but she said, "Thanks but we can't get out now, its too late.  It will be in my house in about an hour I think."  I was terrified for her.  Luckily the water finally stopped just one inch shy of entering her house.

I know I whine and complain a lot here, but I am very thankful for what I do have.  As of right now my family and friends are safe and mostly healthy and happy.  They are what matter most to me, and I am a very lucky girl.