Hello Again

This probably won't become a regular thing, so don't get your hopes up, but I want to write... something.  I've debated if it should be in a journal or just a note on my phone. Then I remembered this place, but it felt kind of weird coming back here. Even though this has been my safe space, I think I was using it in the wrong way. I feel I became self-indulgent here, and I don't want to do that again. 

My life is completely different now, and even though I have a lot of the same feelings and emotional struggles, I think I'm in a better place mentally to not go down that road again. With my bouts of depression and anxiety I tend to get really down, and it's been happening more lately. I believe quite a bit of it has been due to the holidays and missing my mother so much; I am still so very sad that she's not around to know her grandson, especially this time of year. But through everything a single thought keeps coming back and hitting me…

I have everything I’ve always wanted out of life.

Yes, there are things I'd still like to do and places I want to see and live, but the one main dream I've had for my life has come to be. How incredible is that? How lucky am I? 

I've found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Together we created this perfect little human being who happens to be the coolest little dude I've ever met. I wasn't sure I'd get to experience any of that.

My heart now swells daily, and I am so very thankful for that.

Trespasser

I'm frustrated right now, and life has been weird the past few weeks.  The major issue has been with my roommate of the past year.  I've been staying with the boyfriend over weekends lately, and the last few Mondays I've noticed a few things in my room that just seemed different than how I left them.

One day my ceiling fan was on, which I never leave on when I'm gone.  My old phone which I use as an iPod was askew on the dock.  Some built-in bookmark tassels were hanging off the shelf when I always have them tucked under the book so the cats don't play with them.  Then there was my computer.  The monitor was on, and I knew I hadn't left it that way.  I powered up the computer to find a message that it hadn't been shut down properly.  Hmmm...  I did some digging and found some files that had been accessed on a day I wasn't home at all.  Did some more digging and found the log stating it had indeed been turned on and off that same day.

Fuuuck.

Now my roommate had never given me real trouble before.  He lived with me for a little over a year and the worst he did was be a little loud in the kitchen at night and slam the front door on the way out to work.  Every.  Single.  Morning.  But overall, nothing too bad.  Lately he's been drinking.  Like, a lot.  There was an incredible amount of beer and liquor bottles in the recycling bin the past couple of months.  So I knew he was having some problems.

I decided to get a security camera that I could view over my phone.  Got a pretty decent one for not too expensive that has night vision and alerts me whenever there's motion detected.  It's not exactly tiny and is pretty obviously a camera, so I tried to hide it the best I could on a bookshelf surrounded by a bunch of knickknacks.  From a distance it kind of blended in, but up close it was noticeable.

I left as usual that weekend and was nervous all night.  We went to bed, and around eleven o'clock I was notified of movement.  Sure enough, he was in there.  He started out just petting one of the cats for a few minutes, but soon after he started snooping.  He went through my desk drawer then headed to the walk-in closet.  Unfortunately the camera angle couldn't entirely show into the closet, so I'm not exactly sure what he was doing, but he was in there for a long time.  I could kind of see him going through some things, and I know he was in my underwear bin because they were all disheveled.  (Eww.)  He eventually moved on to my bathroom and went through my medicine drawer and looked at all the stuff under the sink.

So the boyfriend and I were watching him as he was going through all my stuff, and I could not stop shaking.  I was so disturbed and knew I wouldn't sleep at all knowing he might go back in, so I asked the boyfriend if he would accompany me the hour's drive home and stay the night.  Of course he did, and we put a keyed entry lock on my bedroom door the next morning and gave him notice to vacate.  He moved out two days later and left a long, handwritten letter apologizing and calling himself every negative adjective imaginable.  He left his room pretty dirty and somehow partially moldy, so there's been some detailed cleaning going on.

I still feel kind of violated.  He never gave any indication of doing anything physically to me (although in his letter he stated how his co-worker suggested things he should do to me... he could have left that part out, thankyouverymuch), but my safe space was intruded upon and rummaged through.  At one point we thought he'd put a camera in my closet, but luckily we didn't find anything.  And I really don't know how long he'd been going into my room.  I really think it was just the past few weeks, but it's possible it had been longer and he'd just gotten sloppy lately.  Ugh, I hope not.  I moved my camera into the main room of the house with a view of both the front and back doors.  I'm just a little paranoid, but I'm starting to feel more at ease.

So now I have my house to myself again.  The boyfriend might move in at the end of the month, and if not, a friend of a friend is interested.  But for now I'm enjoying the solitude.

Pay it Forward

About a year and a half ago when my awesomest of roommates got married, she asked me to make the cake.  I looked forever for a fitting topper and finally found it two days before the wedding.  Across the country.  It was on Etsy, and I asked the artist if she could ship it overnight.  She didn't get the message until the next day, but she could still ship it so it would arrive right before the ceremony.  I paid for the standard overnight charges and was all excited to get it.  I told the artist what it was for, and she said she wanted pictures.  Then I got another email from her saying that the shipping charge would be some absolutely obscene amount of money more.  Which I just did not have.  Extremely bummed, I told her I couldn't afford the extra.  And she wrote back...

It will be there tomorrow morning.  Have a great Christmas :)  Pay it forward ♥

And today I finally did.  I've been trying to sell my wedding dress for several years.  I paid around $800 for it brand new in 2008.  I started posting it on Craigslist back in 2011 or so and was asking in the $600 range.  No takers.  I dropped a hundred bucks off of it every time I relisted it, taking a few months in between each one.  Then I just stopped for a while.  I was tired of trying.  Then a couple of months ago I put it up again... at $60.  Someone freakin tagged it as inappropriate, so it was removed.  I think it was the person who I said I wouldn't ship it to.  It clearly said local pick up only.  Oh well.

I figured I'd give it another shot last week and relisted at $60 again.  Yesterday I got an email from a lady asking if I'd take $30.  I asked if she would come up to $40, and she replied, "I can do $35 and pick it up tomorrow."  Deal.  I was ready to be done with it.  As much as I loved it, it's been a constant reminder of another life just hanging in the closet.

We met this evening, and said she was getting it for her niece.  As I put it back in the garment bag she commented how it was even prettier in person.  She held out the money, and I shook my head.  I told her she could have it and that I hoped her niece loves it as much as I did.  I was tearing up as the words came out and I tried so hard not to actually cry.  When I shut the door behind her, I was remembering the day that I wore it.  I am actually sad to see it go but very glad it can be beautiful on another bride.

Bittersweet.

I'm Terrified

I think this whole being cheated on thing is affecting me more than I initially thought.  When I first found out I felt physically sick.  I was nauseous, lightheaded, and felt like I was about to jump out of my skin.  Then I was just angry that someone I loved could actually do that to me and not even feel badly about it.  Now that he's gone but still trying to communicate with me on an almost daily basis, it's starting to hurt at a deeper level.

I think I tried not to take it too personally at first, just blaming it on him being an asshole, but of course now I have more quiet time to myself to actually consider and process everything.  Now I'm scared that it's going to affect my future relationships.  If I ever thought I could trust anyone not to cheat it was him, given his history of being cheated on pretty badly in the past.  How do you let go of the fear of being lied to again?  How do you learn to trust?

He let me go on and on about our wedding and talking about our future children.  I went to that freakin bridal fair.  I feel like such an idiot.  But I didn't know.  He's a good liar.

I wish he had just been honest with me from the beginning.  I mean I certainly gave him plenty of opportunities to tell the truth.  I outright asked him, and he chose to lie.  So instead I found out the hard way and felt even more betrayed.  If he had told me way back when it first happened he could have saved me quite a few wasted months.  And a lot of heartache.  I hate being lied to.

It's almost too much...

I'm the biggest idiot alive.  I let people use me just because I don't want them to think badly of me or for things to end on a bad note.  I'm such a fucking idiot.

I discovered the ex cheated on me.  I'm almost one hundred percent positive it was before he broke up with me, but there's still a sliver of a chance that he didn't.  He swears up and down that he didn't start "talking" to her until after he ended things with me, but who knows.

This morning I told him to get out, then this evening I decided to let him stay the last month before his new place is available.  Even when I do and say things I know I'm justified in doing, just knowing that I'm making it harder on someone makes me change my mind.  He could have stayed with family or maybe even whoever he's "talking" to.  But I would have had to arrange times for him to come back to pack and crap which would have been awkward and I would still have that icky feeling in my stomach.

So instead I let him stay.  I'm being civil and keeping the peace.  He can pack over the next month, and I'll just swallow my anger for now.  It's worth it to pretend to be whatever towards him and me keep my sanity than kick him out and deal with getting all worked up and bitter whenever he would need to come over.

I could have just told him to go ahead and get all his shit out and not care where he ends up.  But I just couldn't.  Why couldn't I?

I asked him all sorts of questions, and he kept asking me why I needed to know.  Usually once I get all the facts I can sort through them in my mind, compartmentalize, then let it all go after some time.  I guess that's what I wanted.  I wanted to know the entire truth so I could take and learn from it what I could, then eventually let it go.

I still don't know if he was telling me the truth.  My gut says no, and for now I guess that's okay.  Whatever he did is already done, and me knowing or not knowing isn't going to change anything.  All I can do is wait for this month to be over and try to forget all the hurt he has caused me.

There are still good men out in this world, and I hope to one day be able to find the one that truly is for me.  Until then, I will stay positive.  I will still see the good in people.  I will trust until given a reason not to.

I will try anyway.

The Calm After the Mini Storm in My Head

I feel much better about the work situation now.  Maybe because some time has passed.  Maybe because I took a step back and realized what is really important.  The evening after my last post I had a moment of clarity and reexamined things.  I thought about my stepdad, my friend who passed away and what I really want out of life and realized that there are a lot worse things than getting a new boss.  Almost immediately my stomach butterflies and my mind settled.  Yes, I'm still a little bothered by how no one called me, but I guess I'm mostly over it now.  As I've gotten older I've been able to mentally take a step back and get a hold of myself better.  After I've thoroughly freaked out about it though, haha.

I also was texting with my new boss this morning.  She was asking when I was coming back to work and about some scheduling things.  I told her I was fine with whatever but that I'd like to keep my normal day off.  She said she didn't want to change my days, but was just making sure that I was coming back because she needs me.  She said they just threw her in to sink or swim, and I guess she's not getting much guidance in her new role.  I reassured her that she'll swim, and it hit me that I really do want to help her do well in her new position.

I guess I feel a little reassured that I am still valued there, at least by her.  It seems like she's trying and doesn't want there to be any friction between us.  I appreciate that.  I still don't know how the higher ups feel, but they're not the ones I share a desk with every day.

Stacking Up

Yesterday was a tough day.  It started out with me going over to my parents' house.  My step-dad is still in very bad condition, and as awful as it sounds, the truth is we're just kind of waiting for him to pass on.  I hate saying that, but it's been the reality for the past month.  Every day he loses weight and strength.  He's on so much pain medication that he's out of touch with reality most of the time.  It is heartbreaking to see him like this.  And for so long.  We really didn't think he'd hold on this long.  I've seen him like that so much recently, but for some reason yesterday it really bothered me.  Maybe because he seemed a little worse.  I don't know.

While I was there I learned that the girl I wrote about a few months ago passed away.  I hadn't heard much lately, but I knew she was bad off.  She'd been in a medically induced coma for a long while, and when they woke her up, she only had basic functions.  I don't think she was really there.  I don't know the circumstances, but she died yesterday I believe.  Her baby girl who was born at 26 weeks is now about four months old and doing well.  She went home a few weeks ago.

Within twenty minutes of learning that, I heard the news reporting of Leonard Nimoy's passing from end-stage COPD, what my step-dad is battling.  It's all so sad.

Then I went grocery shopping and was off the whole time.  Just sad I guess.  After that I headed home and played with the pets for awhile.  Then I got a phone call.  It was from my boss telling me that she had been fired.  She told me how it went down and then dropped a bomb... they had probably already replaced her.  And it wasn't me.  Which, now that I've had time to process, is really okay.

Knowing that this might happen, I've gone back and forth over the past year with what I would say if offered the job.  I didn't really want to be manager because of the extra stress, but if offered I probably would have said yes.  It would have been a good opportunity for my career and it would have been more money.

I can see why they didn't ask me.  I've had three surgeries in the past nine months which have had me out of work for the equivalent of three months.  Physically I can't do as much as I used to.  They know I want to get pregnant.  And to be honest, they know my passive personality.  Maybe they didn't think I could handle it.

On the other hand, I'm pissed.  I'm probably the most loyal and reliable person there.  I'm on time, if not early, every single day which pretty much no one else is, including the previous manager and the new one.  I don't call out.  I don't gossip or start shit.  I'm friendly to every person that walks in the door, and the customers love me.

But what I'm really pissed about is how they handled it, or didn't handle it.  I got a call from my old boss, and that was it.  She told me who she thought they had replaced her with, but I officially learned it when the new one posted it on Facebook.  Are you freakin kidding me?!  As long as I've worked there as assistant manager and as dedicated as I've been to that place, I really thought I would at least get a phone call from one of the higher ups.  They had to have known that I would feel at least a little slighted, right?  I believe at least a phone call with a little heads up was warranted.  Maybe Monday.

In the moment when it happened I was angry, and I guess I still am a little.  I immediately felt disrespected and undervalued.  About a year ago the "grapevine" said that they wanted me to be manager, and I suppose I'd been holding on to that.  I guess I've learned my lesson there.

I'm not going to enjoy working under a girl younger than myself who I actually trained years ago.  Knowing her personality, I'm not sure how it's going to go, but it should be interesting.  I don't start back for a week and a half, and I really wish I could be there when she starts Monday to see how she slips into it.  I'm afraid she's going to get all cozy with my temporary replacement and I'm going to be on the outside when I go back.  I'm wondering how she'll act towards me because I know that business and the day-to-day operations inside and out.  My old boss and I had good working chemistry, and I wonder if we'll develop that.  Whatever happens, I'll just have to deal with it.

In the long run it really is okay.  Deep down I didn't want that job.  I can still go in, do a good day's work and go home leaving the day behind me.  I won't have to worry about the business, the hiring/firing, the drama with the employees or angry clients.

And now that I've bitched and gotten it all out here, I feel so much better!

No Matter What

I've been thinking about marriage a lot lately.  Maybe it's because the boyfriend and I are getting closer to official engagement and have been talking about it more often.  Maybe it's because we've been discussing other long-term plans more.

Maybe it's because I had a dream about the ex-husband a few days ago.  I think he was more symbolic than anything because in the dream marriage was forever by law, and he was legally required to move in with me.  We were sitting in the kitchen discussing our lives and what had happened between us in the past.  I won't lie... I woke up missing him a little.

But more than anything I was left wanting that forever-no-matter-what commitment.  Which I feel mostly confident enough to say now I think I've got with the boyfriend.  I would say I know I have it, but if I've learned anything from the past it's that people and minds change.  You just never know.  But I do know that he's the one I want to try to have it with.

I love him so much, but sometimes he makes me so mad and to the point that I wonder why we're still together.  Why I kept going back to him.  Why I still love him.  But every day he shows me how he loves me, and when I look at him, even through that anger I want my life to unfold next to him.  I want our lives to play out together.  I want to see what the future has for us.

I heard a part of Sonnet 116 recently, and it's been repeating in my head.  Who knows if I'm interpreting it correctly, but here's what I got out of it.  I like to think we have that strong love now.  I realize that I bended in the earlier part of our relationship.  I was the remover.  He is like no one I had been with before, and some of that scared me.  I didn't think I could be happy with him.  But then again, I'm not sure I was fully in love at that point.  I believe I was on the way, but I wasn't there yet.

My heart knew better though and wouldn't allow me to fully let him go.  It continued to tell me to give it another shot.  I'm glad it did.

This is a long one...

(That's what she said... maybe?)

So many things are going on and running through my mind right now!  All good things!

Health-wise, I'm doing pretty great!  My sciatic pain comes once every so often, but it's very minimal and doesn't last long.  The doctor said that's normal and will get better with time.  The incision still gets a little sore but that's getting better too.  The middle part of my back is causing a little trouble now, but I guess it's having to work a little harder since I'm trying my best not to use the lower part much.

I'm scheduled to go back to work this coming Wednesday and I'm really nervous.  I've been relatively inactive during my recovery and get worn out pretty easily.  I'm not supposed to bend or twist or pick up anything heavier than a chunky chihuahua.  All of those are kinda part of the job, but I'm going to be pretty adamant that I'll be staying at the desk for a while.  At work I've always done what's needed and disregarded the pain.  Not anymore.  I've finally learned that my physical well being is more important than the job.  On a side note, I just realized that today marks three years since I've been back there.  Wow.

These past couple of weeks I've mainly been a housewife, and I've actually really loved it.  If I could make the little online job I've been doing since out of work pay the bills I totally would.  This whole time I've only made about a hundred bucks at it.  Oh well, every little bit helps.

I received the scariest doctor bill I've ever gotten in my life yesterday.  Over $19,000.  Luckily insurance is paying for that.  I can't even imagine the amount of freaking out I'd be doing right now if not for the insurance I got just two months ago.  In total, I think all of this would have ended up around $27,000 when all said and done.  Geez.

Other news on the home front.  Huge freakin fantastic news!  The boyfriend and I are now on the fast track!  He's ready to get married and start a family!!  I told him I'm due to get a refill on my birth control next week, and he said he thought I should stop taking it.  I told him my back needs to get better before we get pregnant, and these next few months will be for my body to get back to ovulating.  We even started discussing baby names, which blew me away!  Eeeek!

I then asked his opinion on getting engaged in the next couple of months, and he was cool with it!  He still can't afford a ring yet, and lately we've been pondering putting the diamond from my old engagement ring in a new setting.  It was actually my grandmother's, and she left it to me when she passed away.  I've been trying to sell it since the divorce because I didn't think I'd want to wear it again, but had no buyers.  I've come to realize that I don't associate it with my ex anymore.  I look at it and think of my grandmother and realize that I truly don't want to part with it, no matter how much the money from it could help.

So, in true girl fashion, here are some of the settings I've been looking at...  Picture a beautiful round champagne colored diamond in them.

Gorgeous!  All of them!  And actually in our price range.  :)

And last, but definitely not least, we've started pre-gaming for house hunting!  The bf has been spending a lot of time online looking at houses.  We contacted a realtor who will be on the lookout for us.  We've started talking about the minor renovations we need to do to the house before we put it on the market.  We're also paying close attention to a house in our little nook that went up for sale about a month ago.  It's the exact same floor plan and square footage as ours, but they're asking $20,000 more than what I bought this one for!  We're very interested to see how long it'll be on the market and what it will actually sell for.

So that's the update on all that.  I'm pretty excited about everything right now.  Except work... really don't wanna go back, haha!

Guilty Conscience

I think one of the worst feelings is guilt.  When you know you've done something wrong and there's nothing you can do to take it back.  I hate that feeling.  I hate knowing I've caused someone else pain.  Even if it seemed okay under the circumstances at the time, it wasn't.  And I knew it.  And I feel terrible.

It happened well over a year ago and I had come to terms with it.  I had mostly allowed myself to actually forgive myself, knowing I would never do it again.  And I haven't since then.  But new light was shed upon the old situation today, and my mind went right back there.  Right back to when I did wrong and now I feel like shit for it all over again.  I feel like a terrible person.  I feel like karma's a bitch, and I deserve every bad thing that's happened since then.

Maybe I do.

Nothing like that will ever happen again.  The best thing I can do is enforce that and try to make the right choices in each tricky situation.  I don't want to feel like this again.

This blog is such a teenage girl's diary...

Yesterday kinda sucked.  It was the slowest day at work we've had in quite awhile and there was not much to do.  I cleaned a lot.  The boss lady taught me how to play Pirates Dice... that was pretty fun and would be a fantastic drinking game.

That afternoon I read a FB update that I'd pretty much been expecting, but totally threw me off the rest of the day.  The 18-year-old from the last post who got married a month after dating the guy... yeah, she's pregnant.  They're claiming they didn't know when they got married, but other factors are pointing towards they did.  No judgement, they're happy.  She even told me two years ago that she wanted to be married by 18 and pregnant by 20.  I just worry about her... she's had a really rough life, and I don't think she's worked through all her issues.  I'm hoping her new husband has stopped pursuing that other chick and will be totally committed to her.  But we all know how some men are.

Even though I was expecting this news to be coming soon, it hit me harder than a lot of pregnancy announcements, and I can't quite figure out why.  Maybe because it happened so fast for them.  I mean, they haven't even been together two months yet.  That's crazy fast.  And she's so young.

Again, I'm probably just jealous.  I still haven't gotten out of my funk.  I'm all doom and gloom in my head when I think of my romantic future.  I think I've just gotten used to the humdrumness that is my current relationship and am figuring there's no man who could actually find me attractive anymore.

I think the bf and I have kinda stopped trying to be anything close to romantic.  I take that back... I think he's stopped trying.  We're splitting up in a month and a half and he doesn't see the point anymore.  That's my guess anyway.  He rarely hugs me on his own accord, never kisses me unless I kiss him, never acts happy to see me at the end of the day... then again he hasn't for a really long time, and that's a big chunk of why we don't work.  I need to know that my man actually wants to be with me.  I need it to be obvious and not "Oh, I do love you, I'm just not an affectionate person."  I need an affectionate person.  Maybe I should stop being so affectionate towards him.  Maybe that will make the actual act of splitting up and moving out easier on us both.

I've been scared lately.  I'm scared that I've forgotten how to be and act in a relationship.  I've grown cold and closed off sometimes with the bf, and I'm scared I won't be able to open up for a new one.  I keep telling myself the right guy will love all of me, but in reality, will he?  Will someone be able to look past all the issues and realize I've been hurt and am now very cautious but really want to let my guard down and get close?  Will I be able to work through all those issues and know that it can be different with the right one?

I think it's good that I've been with this guy.  You can learn something from every situation.  I think I've just got to look at it like that and only take away the lessons learned from it.  If it works like that.

I'm still hung up on trying to do that with my failed marriage.  Some things are harder to let go of.  It's been two years, come on!  When will I finally move on from that??

But, now, to look at the positive... I'm off today and am having a nice, lazy morning.  I have plans to lay out in the back yard and soak up some more sun today.  I'm determined to actually have a tan this year.  Awesome roommate is coming over for a pancake dinner tonight since the bf is working late.  I went back to the gym yesterday for the first time in a few weeks and am determined to go more often, once this blister goes away.  Any day now we should be getting the appraisal back on the house, and if it's good, will move forward with the inspection.  I found some awesome bar stools for the house.

Life is good, and I will actually get out of my funk and see that once again.  I will get my head on straight one of these days.

Pondering life in a car dealership waiting area...

When I was in Raleigh, my friend and I were talking about goals and dreams.  She mentioned how back in high school she had what is now called a bucket list and how she realized she'd already done everything on it.  She was kind of surprised, but I definitely wasn't.  That's exactly who and how she was in her teenage years and early 20s... she went and accomplished anything she set her mind to.  She said she now needs a new list, but she's not sure what to put on it just yet.

That got me thinking about how I've never really had such a list.  Never really wanted one.  I've just kinda be-bopped through life doing stuff here and there that would hopefully guide me towards accomplishing the only real thing I've wanted my entire life... to fall (and stay) in love and have children.  I just want a family.  I asked my friend if that meant I was unambitious.  She replied that that was a huge goal in itself.  I then wondered out loud why the thing you want the most is the hardest to get/accomplish.  She had a simple reply... you'll appreciate it more.  Yes, I know I will.  But is all the shit you gotta go through to get there really necessary?

Is there really a reason for why things happen the way they do?  Or does life just happen to suck sometimes as we search for our happiness?  Is it all about the choices we make? How much of it is the random circumstances we have no control over?

My car is getting a lot of work done right now, and I'm thinking about all this in the waiting room... is that normal?

Vacation Part 1

I got back from my little vacation yesterday evening.  It was very nice, but also emotional at times.  It started out by heading to Raleigh to meet up for sushi with past/future awesome roommate who happened to be there for the weekend.  We caught up and discussed everything under the sun, as usual.  I then headed to a friend's house to visit and spend the night.  We shopped for wine then went the the very top floor of her work building where she made us delicious coffee.  We sat to chat and watched a storm roll in...

...and then leave behind a beautiful sky once it passed.

We headed back to her place when it got dark to make dinner with her hubby and ended up talking and drinking until midnight.  The next morning she and I went to breakfast and talked more.  There's always a lot to catch up on when you only see each other a few times a year.

Afterward I got in my car and was getting music and such set up for the next stretch of driving to Charlotte.  I always look forward to cranking the music and singing very loudly and badly... that's why I love road trips.  I was just about situated when my phone alerted me to a new email, and I figured I'd check it before I hit the road.  It was from my former father-in-law.  I was pretty shocked because I hadn't heard from him in almost two years and wasn't really sure why he would be contacting me.

Things between he and I ended kinda weird.  I had emailed him when the ex and I were separated to kind of tell my side of things.  I said the ex and I both had our problems, but he was the one to end the relationship while I still wanted to try to work it out.  Apparently that's not what he had heard.  Anyways, I had emailed him back saying if he had anything negative to say that I didn't want to hear it.  I was still hurting and every day was a struggle.  He simply replied that that was fair, so I assumed he'd had some not so great things to say to me.  And that was the last I'd heard from him two years ago.

Against my better judgement I read his new email right then.  In it he said he'd been talking to his wife and discussing their children and prayers.  He wanted me to know that they still include me in their prayers and "still have good feelings" towards me and my parents.  And that he thought I'd like to know that.

Right there in the breakfast diner parking lot, I lost it.  I thought I'd come to terms with his dad and had let him go, but he still affects me apparently.  At first I thought the message was pretty nice, but then I did the girl thing and over analyzed it.  All I could think was, "DAMN RIGHT you better still have good feelings towards me!  It was YOUR SON who gave up, broke his vows and my heart!!"  I kept wondering what it was that the ex actually told his father back then, and it was all I could do not to ask him right then and there.  I actually typed out the message to the ex but ended up deleting it.  I told myself it would do absolutely no good and wouldn't change anything, so there was no point.  I've just got to accept it, come to terms with it and let it go.  I did the best I could do at the time with that situation, and now I've got to drop it.  (After I vent about it here of course.)

I am now with a cooler head choosing to believe that his message really was him trying to reach out with kindness.  At his core, I do believe that's who he is even though we didn't always see eye to eye.  I replied to him later that day with "I appreciate that and hope you and your family are well."

Anyways, the first part of my drive was full of tears and very little singing.  Every song took me right back there, and it's hard to sing and let go of your worries with a cracked voice.  It didn't help that there was road construction going on almost the entire drive... not conducive to any of it.

That was half the journey.  The second half will have to wait because it's time to get ready for my professional massages now!  :)

The Big 3-0

So I'm 30 now.  It happened yesterday.  No biggie.  The days leading up to it had me in a state of minor excitement like I always am around my birthday.  I like to feel special for that one day of the year.  Yesterday morning I still felt it, then it kinda disappeared in the afternoon.  I guess you can only feel special to a certain point when you're at work all day, haha.  But it was a very nice day.  Work was easy, the weather was beautiful (sunny and in the 60s!) and I had friends over in the evening to celebrate with me.  Got some flowers at work from my parents and even a surprise gift from the ex-husband waiting for me at home during my lunch break.

I flirted all day with a friend through FB.  Back in our early 20s we made a "pact" that if neither of us was married at 30 we'd marry each other.  I got a FutureMe letter yesterday from 6 years ago reminding me of that.  He's the one who suggested it and didn't even remember.  It was fun to pass the day talking to him.  After reading that my 24-year-old self hoped I was married and had children by now, she also said something that has stuck with me more:

"If nothing else, I hope you're happy.  That's all I've ever really hoped for.  Do whatever it takes to enjoy your life.  There's no time like right now, dang it!  So take advantage of every opportunity, no matter how small."

Even back then, that was all I wanted.  And I'm totally doing that very thing today!  I'm going to look that house for sale from a few posts back in a couple of hours.  So very excited!

Unsolicited Advice

"You're an older woman and no man is going to put up with your sensitivity. You're a sweet girl and I'd hate to see you scare someone away, so you need to control it better. Did that piss you off? Good, it was supposed to."

That's what my boyfriend said to me the other night. If you're a regular reader here, you've probably been wanting to tell me the same thing for a while. This is my place to come and vent and work through all my feelings, and I know I sound like a basket case sometimes. In real life I'm not as emotional as all that. Yes, I have my sensitive moments, but it's definitely not all the time. Most days I'm just fine.

I didn't used to be though. I did have some depression and emotional issues a few years ago, and the fallout from those is most likely the biggest part of why my husband left me (which makes what the boyfriend said sting that much more). I like to think I've made a lot of progress since then. When I do get sensitive I usually recognize and acknowledge it, give him a heads up and apologize if I say something I shouldn't.

So... first thing... really, guy? I did not ask for his opinion and did not appreciate him pretty much reaffirming something I'm paranoid about anyway. He couldn't have known I think about that on the reg, but still. I do the best I can every day, and if that's just not good enough? Well, it's a good thing we're going our separate ways in a few months.

Second... who the hell tells a woman who will be turning thirty in a couple of weeks and is not too happy about it that she is an OLDER WOMAN?! That's not me being sensitive (ok, maybe a little), that's him being a jerk.

Why do I let the words from a self-proclaimed asshole bother me so much? Is it because as much of an asshole that he can be, he's giving it to me from a guy's perspective? He said I could lay on him what I thought of some of his faults. I wanted to say he's a chauvinistic, racist jerk, but instead I told him I'm not that kind of person and that it would serve no purpose.

It is possible I may have been a little more sensitive than usual these past few weeks. I've been having some weird health things going on and my cycle has been weird. I thought for a bit that I might actually be pregnant. This is probably the only time I've hoped to not see that second pink line. Four times it didn't appear, so four BFNs. That's definitely for the best right now.

If I've learned anything from all this it's that I cannot and will not let having or not having a man dictate how I live my life. I'm not going to alter my personality just to get a man. The right one will love me for me, quirks and all. Taking it a step further because it's been on my mind, I'm not going to let the fact that I may one day meet someone and want to move again deter me from buying a house now if I'm able. I won't keep renting until I find a guy to buy a house with because the day for that may never come.

I will do what's right for me. If a man should come along, our lives compliment each others' and we want to be together, that's great. If not, then so be it. I've got friends and family and that will be just fine.

Slow and Steady vs. Here and Now

One of my best friends is very methodical and thinks long term.  She and her husband have been scrimping and saving for years.  They've lived extremely frugally and are crazy couponers.  In doing this they have just bought their first house with a large down payment and still have a large cushion... which they're scared to spend, but that's beside the point.

They have a plan.  They know what they want to accomplish through the years and how they want to live, and they're happy to lay the groundwork now and be fruitful in the long run.  And that works for them.

My boss-lady (who I'm pretty good friends with) is of the other mindset... we're not promised tomorrow, so do what you've always wanted to and what makes you happy now.  She's doing things for herself that she never used to... She just got her first tattoo and is planning another.  She now gets bi-weekly mani/pedis, takes local day trips and does other things that make her feel good about herself.

Her financial situation doesn't really let her save for the future, so she says "screw it" and when she gets a little something extra she uses it for fun.  And that works for her.

My friend's and my boss' situations are different, so of course they're looking at it from different angles.  My friend is in her thirties and has only been married for a few years.  She's gotten a good start and wants to be practical with everything.  My boss is 50, been married for 30 years with no kids and has "been there, done that."  She also has a big family history of heart problems, feels lucky to have made it this long and wants to enjoy life to the fullest in case it doesn't last much longer.

I  understand where each is coming from and I feel I fall somewhere in the middle.  I want to embrace the now and live in the moment, but I also need to think of the future.  I want to have fun while I'm young, but I also want to start settling down and attempting to have children.  The latter of each involves some long term planning and saving, but I do allow a little splurge here and there for the former.  And I guess that will work for me.

I'm a Killer

I killed my marriage, I know I did. I didn't pull the trigger or put the final nail in the coffin, but I had a big hand in it. I put too much on him. I wanted too much out of him. I was too dependent on him. I wish I'd had more self confidence. I wish I hadn't been so depressed. There's a lot I wish he'd done differently too, by I've already shared my thoughts on that a few times.

A group of us were talking at work this morning about marriages and the things that do and don't work in them. I did all the don'ts. I got my self worth from being with him. I wanted us to be each other's everything and that be enough. Even though I knew it was totally ridiculous, I got jealous when he wanted to do something on his own or hang out with his friends without me. I was scared to upset him. I was scared to say what I needed to half the time.

Because I didn't want him to leave me.

How do you not piss off a teenager?

I pissed a co-worker off yesterday.  She's 17... that should about sum it up.  I called her out on the attitude she swears she doesn't have but that tends to come out every single day.  She's a sweet girl mostly, so I hadn't said anything for over a year and just couldn't hold it in anymore.  Everyone's usually all, "Oh, that's just her.  She's just a teenager."  The stuff she gets away with because of that!  Just because you're a teenager doesn't give you the right to disregard the simplest of common courtesy.  Especially at work.

I waited until no one was around, but I should have waited until I had calmed down some more.  I came off more confrontational than I should have and probably could have been more effective had I not been.  I'm never like that, and it bothered me all night.  I'm not sure if I was upset because I hurt her feelings or if I was upset with myself for getting that way.  I'm trying to let it go now.  What's done is done, and I can't change it.  Maybe we can both learn from it.

On a lighter note, the boyfriend met the parents last weekend.  He was really nervous and quiet, but they liked him a lot.  I met his mother the weekend before that, which also went pretty well.  She seems like a sweet lady.  He and I are still pretty stoked to be moving in together.  I'm over at his place pretty much all the time anyway, and I hate leaving every night.  I really miss spending time with my pets too, so two birds, one stone.  He's excited to be having a dog again and has all sorts of walking plans.

Come on end of the month!  Wow... moving in three weeks.  I really should start packing.

You never stop loving somebody...

I'm crazy about this guy... the boyfriend, that is.  It's still weird calling him that.  But as much as I like him, I keep having tiny freak outs now and then.  I keep thinking "This isn't right!  He's not the ex.  I won't ever be as happy as I was with him."  But then I think, "No, he's not the ex.  The ex did you wrong, is gone and isn't coming back.  You really like this guy, and he really likes you.  Appreciate how wonderful that is and keep moving forward."

The saying "You never stop loving somebody, you just start loving somebody else" (quite possibly from a Big & Rich song?)... is it true?  Will I always carry around a little flame for my ex?  Does it ever really go away completely?

Now, different topic... What does dreaming you're trapped in a battleship during a tornado mean?  What about trying to start a fire, but it won't light, then it roars into a huge bonfire?  What about trying to take pictures, but the color doesn't show up?  What about almost being raped in my closet?  What about planting oak trees?  What about having a motel room where the dividing wall to the next room is only a curtain that doesn't really shut all the way?  I dreamed all these last night, plus a bunch more.  They were very strange.

I sure don't write much lately...

It seems like a lot has happened in a week.  I got really upset over the ex last weekend and decided to get out of town to visit some friends for a night, and it was actually pretty nice.  After I vented about all I was feeling I didn't think about any of it again until later the next day.  We went to a couple of bars downtown Saturday night, and I remembered how much I don't care for a city atmosphere.

I started talking to a new guy a few days ago.  He's a little older and seems to have his act together.  We'll see how this goes.

Got another FutureMe letter yesterday from a little over a year and a half ago when I was in Mississippi.  I had just found out about the endo and gone back on birth control.  It ended with "Hope you're doing better in the future."  That really got me thinking.  Am I better now?  I actually remember the night I wrote that one.  My emotions were all over the place.  Has that part changed?  I like to think I've got a little more control over them now.  Otherwise, I'm not sure if things are better, but they are definitely different.  Life has changed sooo much, it's crazy.  You never end up where you think you will.