Wednesday, April 29, 2015

A Liar and A Cheater

He did cheat on me.  He finally admitted it, but only after I told him everything I already knew and asked him specifically.  Turns out it wasn't with someone recently or local.  It was actually about six months ago when he went back home to visit some friends.  He saw an ex at a party and slept with her.

I saw an email he'd written to a friend about a month ago in which he said, "I cheated on her and didn't even feel bad about it."  So since October he's not given a shit about me and he didn't say anything until March.  Oh, he still says he loves me and wants to hang out and be friends, but whatever.

He cheated on me two weeks after my endo surgery.  I'd asked him to go with me to Atlanta, but he said he couldn't get out of work.  Then two weeks later he takes a week off to drive north to visit friends.  I thought that was fucked up then and do even more so now.

I feel so stupid.  "They" say hindsight is 20/20, and looking back I can see so many warning signs.  If I'm honest I saw a lot of them back then in the moment too, but I ignored them.  Not cheating signs, but ones to the kind of person he really is.  I wanted him to be "the one" so badly that I told myself I could live with our differences in values and actions.  I wanted to start a family so badly that I brushed off the fact that I wasn't really sure he was the guy for me.  All that being said though, I really did love him.

When we first got together he said that he would never hurt me.  I know that's something everyone says when they're in a new relationship and newly infatuated, but I keep thinking about it lately.  He'd been cheated on pretty devastatingly in the past and swore that he would never cheat.  Even last month when I first asked him, he insisted that he was no cheater.  All I wanted from the beginning of this end of the relationship was honesty, and I'm almost happy to find out the truth.  I knew he wouldn't have used the word "cheated" if he hadn't been with someone before we broke up, and I'm glad I got the courage to come out and ask him.

He's finally moving out in two days, and I won't have to see him anymore.  I'm going out of town this weekend so I won't have to be around for it all.  I'll come back home Sunday, and hopefully all his stuff will be gone.  Time for yet another fresh start.

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Ready for Stability

It seems like a lot has happened in the past couple of weeks.  So many emotions constantly changing every day.  I'm ready for some new stability, and hopefully that will happen once the ex finally moves out next weekend.  We've been friendly towards each other, and it's just easier that way.  He's been very friendly and has actually tried to romance me the past couple of nights to get me to sleep with him again which isn't going to happen.  I found out the other day that he's actually talking with at least two other girls now.  Bully for him.  I'm ready to have my house back to myself and not be wondering or worrying about what a freakin man is doing.

I thought I was "talking" to another guy for awhile, but now I'm not sure anymore.  Since the breakup I've been texting almost every day with my guy friend from many years ago who lives half a country away.  I've always wondered if we would end up together one day.  He was doing some serious flirting back with me for awhile there.  We even had an almost three hour long conversation last weekend which was amazing.  We hadn't talked on the phone in at least two years, but it was like no time had passed at all.  I suggested the other day that we could meet up again, but he was all maybe-ish and I haven't heard from him since.  I was pretty sure he was single, but maybe not.  Maybe he's just not into me like that anymore.  Ugh.

My stepdad seems to be doing better for now, but I really have no idea what's going on with him.  He's off most of the medications and is more mobile now.  He's actually able to take care of himself for a few hours at a time, and my mother has been able to go back to work for the first time since January.  It's possible he could stay like this for awhile and it's also possible this is a rally before the end.  We just don't know.

We had some scary craziness at work the other day.  One of the employees vehicles caught on fire.  It was destroyed, took out the car next to it and damaged some of the building as well.  Two of our employees saw the first signs of smoke and were able to get a few things out of the car before the flames took over the whole thing.  The fire extinguisher did nothing.  It was awful and terrifying.  It seemed like it took forever for the fire department to show up, but in reality it was only a few minutes.  The fire just got so big so fast that it seemed like an eternity.  Luckily no one was hurt.

My back has been doing better, thankfully.  It gets sore at night but during the day it's mostly fine.  I saw the orthopedist and got a shot in my shoulder a couple of weeks ago.  It has been helping with the pain, and I've been doing some physical therapy at home.  I feel like it's starting to wear off though as the shoulder has been achy again lately.  I hope this doesn't turn into a thing.

Friday, April 3, 2015

It's almost too much...

I'm the biggest idiot alive.  I let people use me just because I don't want them to think badly of me or for things to end on a bad note.  I'm such a fucking idiot.

I discovered the ex cheated on me.  I'm almost one hundred percent positive it was before he broke up with me, but there's still a sliver of a chance that he didn't.  He swears up and down that he didn't start "talking" to her until after he ended things with me, but who knows.

This morning I told him to get out, then this evening I decided to let him stay the last month before his new place is available.  Even when I do and say things I know I'm justified in doing, just knowing that I'm making it harder on someone makes me change my mind.  He could have stayed with family or maybe even whoever he's "talking" to.  But I would have had to arrange times for him to come back to pack and crap which would have been awkward and I would still have that icky feeling in my stomach.

So instead I let him stay.  I'm being civil and keeping the peace.  He can pack over the next month, and I'll just swallow my anger for now.  It's worth it to pretend to be whatever towards him and me keep my sanity than kick him out and deal with getting all worked up and bitter whenever he would need to come over.

I could have just told him to go ahead and get all his shit out and not care where he ends up.  But I just couldn't.  Why couldn't I?

I asked him all sorts of questions, and he kept asking me why I needed to know.  Usually once I get all the facts I can sort through them in my mind, compartmentalize, then let it all go after some time.  I guess that's what I wanted.  I wanted to know the entire truth so I could take and learn from it what I could, then eventually let it go.

I still don't know if he was telling me the truth.  My gut says no, and for now I guess that's okay.  Whatever he did is already done, and me knowing or not knowing isn't going to change anything.  All I can do is wait for this month to be over and try to forget all the hurt he has caused me.

There are still good men out in this world, and I hope to one day be able to find the one that truly is for me.  Until then, I will stay positive.  I will still see the good in people.  I will trust until given a reason not to.

I will try anyway.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

The Beginning of The End... Again

This might be the last couple of weeks for my stepdad.  For real this time.  Last week he said he was in a lot of pain, so the hospice doctor and nurse upped the dosage of his medication.  His body just couldn't take it, and the shit kind of hit the fan.  He was out of his mind.  When he became a little more clear-headed he decided that he didn't want to be on pain or anxiety meds anymore.  And he hasn't had any for almost a week.

My mom asked the nurse to come back out Monday to re-evaluate him since he was off all the meds.  She listened to his lungs and other organs and said that his body is now shutting down.  Apparently when it's towards the end a lot of hospice patients decide to stop their meds and still have hallucinations, like he is.  That along with some other things his body is doing led her to believe that he may only have a few weeks left.  She said at the end he may become less like himself and not realize who we are, then spend two or three days in a coma-like state, then pass away.

He's been pretty clear-headed the past couple of days, and it has been so wonderful to really get to talk to him again.  I even got him to laugh a little today, which made me feel so good.  He's sad and very weepy, but he says he's not in pain.  He has been so miserable for so long, and I hope that he's able to go with some sort of peace.