It feels like so much has happened in these last two weeks. I had the MRI but don't know what it showed yet. I was supposed to find out this past week, but once again the surgeon's office called to reschedule. For a week and a half out. So frustrating.
My roommate moved in last weekend, and it's surprising how similar she is to my old roommate. Of all the different kinds of people in the world, how did I end up with the same exact one? Not that it's a bad thing at all, we're just so very different. She's very nice and polite, and I don't think we'll have any problems at all. I don't see us getting close like the last roommate, and that's okay. Previous awesome roommate is actually in town this weekend, and we're hanging out tonight. Oh, how I've missed her!
My Whole30 is complete! I lost eleven pounds over the month and all my clothes are so much looser. I fit back in a pair of jeans I haven't worn in two years. On Day 31 I reintroduced dairy. I needed my coffee creamer, except now I make my own from organic goodness. I had almost every intention of doing the reintroduction phase by the book, but I didn't. A client at work bought us lunch, and I indulged a little. Nothing bad, but not what I was supposed to be eating. And then yesterday I was doing well until...
The ex-boyfriend invited me out to dinner. He's been texting me occasionally the past couple of weeks apologizing for all he did and asking if I wanted to "grab a bite." Yesterday afternoon he texted a picture of our dog that he took with him and tried to start a conversation. Then he asked me to dinner. I've been so angry with him all this time and thought maybe I could get some closure, so I said yes.
He picked me up and actually opened the car door for me for the first time ever. We went downtown to a restaurant we both really like and waited at the bar until our table was ready. Almost immediately after getting our drinks (my first alcoholic one in over a month... it was awesome!) he started echoing his text messages with I'm sorry and I know I fucked up and if I could just turn back time. Then he got down to it and stumbled over the words as he tried to ask if I would give him another chance.
He told me to think about it, but I didn't have to and didn't want to lead him on so I told him I wasn't interested in that. He said he understood. Throughout the meal he tried some more, asking if I was sure and saying he was ready for marriage and children. I was firm. Surprisingly, he actually teared up a lot. After dinner we walked around downtown and ended up on a bench by the water. He kept starting to say something, then would stop. He eventually got it out which was basically more of the same, and I took the opportunity to say some things I never did back when it all it all went down.
I asked him why he cheated, and he said it was because every time he and I tried to have sex, he hurt me. There it is. Again. Stupid fucking endometriosis and pelvic floor dysfunction. I know that's not the entire reason and that he was the uncaring asshole, but come on! I'm tired of sex being a contributing factor to my relationships ending!!!
As we walked back to the car he kept asking me to consider hanging out again and said he wasn't giving up on us yet. I told him he needed to be prepared for not getting the answer he wants. He took me home and asked if he could see my dog. We went outside, and he actually started crying as they played. It was sad.
I feel a little uneasy about the evening, but I'm glad I went. I got to say what I wanted to say and I know he truly regrets everything he did. I guess that's something.
singing of beautiful and impossible things,
of things that are lovely and that never happen,
of things that are not and that should be." -Oscar Wilde
Showing posts with label awesome roommate. Show all posts
Showing posts with label awesome roommate. Show all posts
Sunday, September 20, 2015
Friday, August 21, 2015
Pay it Forward
About a year and a half ago when my awesomest of roommates got married, she asked me to make the cake. I looked forever for a fitting topper and finally found it two days before the wedding. Across the country. It was on Etsy, and I asked the artist if she could ship it overnight. She didn't get the message until the next day, but she could still ship it so it would arrive right before the ceremony. I paid for the standard overnight charges and was all excited to get it. I told the artist what it was for, and she said she wanted pictures. Then I got another email from her saying that the shipping charge would be some absolutely obscene amount of money more. Which I just did not have. Extremely bummed, I told her I couldn't afford the extra. And she wrote back...
It will be there tomorrow morning. Have a great Christmas :) Pay it forward ♥
And today I finally did. I've been trying to sell my wedding dress for several years. I paid around $800 for it brand new in 2008. I started posting it on Craigslist back in 2011 or so and was asking in the $600 range. No takers. I dropped a hundred bucks off of it every time I relisted it, taking a few months in between each one. Then I just stopped for a while. I was tired of trying. Then a couple of months ago I put it up again... at $60. Someone freakin tagged it as inappropriate, so it was removed. I think it was the person who I said I wouldn't ship it to. It clearly said local pick up only. Oh well.
I figured I'd give it another shot last week and relisted at $60 again. Yesterday I got an email from a lady asking if I'd take $30. I asked if she would come up to $40, and she replied, "I can do $35 and pick it up tomorrow." Deal. I was ready to be done with it. As much as I loved it, it's been a constant reminder of another life just hanging in the closet.
We met this evening, and said she was getting it for her niece. As I put it back in the garment bag she commented how it was even prettier in person. She held out the money, and I shook my head. I told her she could have it and that I hoped her niece loves it as much as I did. I was tearing up as the words came out and I tried so hard not to actually cry. When I shut the door behind her, I was remembering the day that I wore it. I am actually sad to see it go but very glad it can be beautiful on another bride.
Bittersweet.
It will be there tomorrow morning. Have a great Christmas :) Pay it forward ♥
And today I finally did. I've been trying to sell my wedding dress for several years. I paid around $800 for it brand new in 2008. I started posting it on Craigslist back in 2011 or so and was asking in the $600 range. No takers. I dropped a hundred bucks off of it every time I relisted it, taking a few months in between each one. Then I just stopped for a while. I was tired of trying. Then a couple of months ago I put it up again... at $60. Someone freakin tagged it as inappropriate, so it was removed. I think it was the person who I said I wouldn't ship it to. It clearly said local pick up only. Oh well.
I figured I'd give it another shot last week and relisted at $60 again. Yesterday I got an email from a lady asking if I'd take $30. I asked if she would come up to $40, and she replied, "I can do $35 and pick it up tomorrow." Deal. I was ready to be done with it. As much as I loved it, it's been a constant reminder of another life just hanging in the closet.
We met this evening, and said she was getting it for her niece. As I put it back in the garment bag she commented how it was even prettier in person. She held out the money, and I shook my head. I told her she could have it and that I hoped her niece loves it as much as I did. I was tearing up as the words came out and I tried so hard not to actually cry. When I shut the door behind her, I was remembering the day that I wore it. I am actually sad to see it go but very glad it can be beautiful on another bride.
Bittersweet.
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Just Some Bitching...
I need to vent now, and since my best friend no longer lives with me, I have no one to vent to. It's about her anyway, so I guess that's a good thing. I wanted to post some smart ass comment on FB, but she would know it was about her and would only make her feel bad, which would make me feel bad, and I hate that feeling. I almost sent her a text, but I couldn't do that either. I hate knowing I purposely hurt someone's feelings knowing it wouldn't make me feel any better anyway. So I come here.
I don't know if I mentioned this here before, but a few months back she lied to me. She asked if a friend of hers who was bicycling down the east coast could crash with us for a couple of nights. Sure! No problem. So I met him that second day, he was a nice guy and all. Then after he left she informed me that she'd never met him before. She'd signed up for a couch surfing website and he found her through it. She didn't think I'd say yes to him staying if she told me that, so she made the decision to purposely lie to me. The situation turned out well and was in the past, so I said I was okay with it. But I wasn't. It ate away at me, and I confronted her about it a couple of months later after she purposely didn't tell me about something else. She said she was sorry, but it still hurt. She was trying to help someone out, which is nice, but she lied to me so that she could get her way.
Anyways, someone wrote an article about him, and he mentioned how he stayed here. How he met this man and woman and asked why they weren't a couple. He later learned that they got married, and the man posted on his FB thanking him for the nudge. So if she hadn't lied to me, he wouldn't have stayed here, given them the nudge, and now they wouldn't be married. That's how the article read to me. Not really, but it brought back all those hurt feelings, and now I'm mad.
I'm also mad because my parents stopped by today with all the paperwork for this brand spankin new computer I have. It's basically all invoices showing exactly how much they paid for it and all the accessories and software they gave me. It was waaaaayyyyy too expensive and makes me feel guilty for them spending so much. Why the eff would they spend all that then give me the breakdown?? That money could have gone towards way more important things. Plus I already had a computer that works fine! It's old, slow, loud and the disc drive doesn't work anymore, but it was fine for what I used it for. AAAAHHHH! Plus the boyfriend was building me one for Christmas, which they didn't know, and I couldn't tell them after they gave it to me.
I want to talk to someone, but I don't know who. I would talk to my roommate, but she's gone and it's about her. I would talk to the boyfriend, but he's at work and it seems trivial when I actually think about it. I would call my parents and fuss, but it would just make them feel bad. Why can't I just get things off my chest to the people who are frustrating me and not worry about how it makes them feel?? That's stupid, but I wish I could sometimes. I try to be a better person than that. So I come here.
I want to yell and scream and cry, but it won't do anything but make me feel stupid. I would go to the gym to try to work it out but can't because of my freakin back. AAAH! So I come here.
Oh, first world problems. How stupid and trivial they really are.
I don't know if I mentioned this here before, but a few months back she lied to me. She asked if a friend of hers who was bicycling down the east coast could crash with us for a couple of nights. Sure! No problem. So I met him that second day, he was a nice guy and all. Then after he left she informed me that she'd never met him before. She'd signed up for a couch surfing website and he found her through it. She didn't think I'd say yes to him staying if she told me that, so she made the decision to purposely lie to me. The situation turned out well and was in the past, so I said I was okay with it. But I wasn't. It ate away at me, and I confronted her about it a couple of months later after she purposely didn't tell me about something else. She said she was sorry, but it still hurt. She was trying to help someone out, which is nice, but she lied to me so that she could get her way.
Anyways, someone wrote an article about him, and he mentioned how he stayed here. How he met this man and woman and asked why they weren't a couple. He later learned that they got married, and the man posted on his FB thanking him for the nudge. So if she hadn't lied to me, he wouldn't have stayed here, given them the nudge, and now they wouldn't be married. That's how the article read to me. Not really, but it brought back all those hurt feelings, and now I'm mad.
I'm also mad because my parents stopped by today with all the paperwork for this brand spankin new computer I have. It's basically all invoices showing exactly how much they paid for it and all the accessories and software they gave me. It was waaaaayyyyy too expensive and makes me feel guilty for them spending so much. Why the eff would they spend all that then give me the breakdown?? That money could have gone towards way more important things. Plus I already had a computer that works fine! It's old, slow, loud and the disc drive doesn't work anymore, but it was fine for what I used it for. AAAAHHHH! Plus the boyfriend was building me one for Christmas, which they didn't know, and I couldn't tell them after they gave it to me.
I want to talk to someone, but I don't know who. I would talk to my roommate, but she's gone and it's about her. I would talk to the boyfriend, but he's at work and it seems trivial when I actually think about it. I would call my parents and fuss, but it would just make them feel bad. Why can't I just get things off my chest to the people who are frustrating me and not worry about how it makes them feel?? That's stupid, but I wish I could sometimes. I try to be a better person than that. So I come here.
I want to yell and scream and cry, but it won't do anything but make me feel stupid. I would go to the gym to try to work it out but can't because of my freakin back. AAAH! So I come here.
Oh, first world problems. How stupid and trivial they really are.
End of the Year Post
Hello there! Hope you all had joyful holidays. Mine was pretty decent! I made out like a bandit at Christmas and feel very spoiled... I'm typing from my new computer right now. The boyfriend didn't propose, but he did ask my ring size the other night... eek! I showed him a picture of what I want a couple of months ago, but he'd been drinking some, so I worked another picture into the series of texts kind of jokingly. He ended them by saying that when the day comes he'll try his best. You can't ask a girl her ring size then say "Well, when the day comes"!! The romantic in me is hoping he's just trying to throw me off and will actually propose on New Year's Eve. We'll see!
The roommate left yesterday. Her husband surprised her Christmas night by calling her from the local airport. He hadn't been due in until the 26th, but wanted to be a late evening gift. They packed up a trailer full of her stuff Thursday night, which is when we said our goodbyes before bed. Then she had to freakin show up at my work yesterday, coffee in hand like she's done so many times before. I was so hoping she wouldn't do that, because of course I cried and once I start I can't stop, and everything made me cry the rest of the day. Damn her.
I ended up having to leave early yesterday anyway because of my back. I've had this nerve pain for a few months now that was horrible yesterday. Not sure if it's the sciatic nerve or what, but it's most painful in my lower back and shoots down my leg. It's normally a little painful almost every day, but it was the worst it's ever been yesterday. I could barely walk or move. The drive home was fun.
So, I have the house to myself now. It's very quiet. The pooch has actually been at the boyfriend's house since Wednesday. I figured it would make all the packing and loading of the trailer easier for the roommate if he wasn't there barking his head off the whole time. Then I didn't pick him up as scheduled last night because I hurt too much to drive. It's lonely without my puppy, but the cat has enjoyed it. I usually stay at the boyfriend's house every Saturday night, but he'll be staying here for the first time tonight!! I can't wait. (Finally get to have sex in my new house!! hehe) He'll bring my pup back and bring his too, so it'll be a full house once again for a little bit. I can't wait for him to move in, but I will thoroughly enjoy having the place all to myself for a bit! :)
The roommate left yesterday. Her husband surprised her Christmas night by calling her from the local airport. He hadn't been due in until the 26th, but wanted to be a late evening gift. They packed up a trailer full of her stuff Thursday night, which is when we said our goodbyes before bed. Then she had to freakin show up at my work yesterday, coffee in hand like she's done so many times before. I was so hoping she wouldn't do that, because of course I cried and once I start I can't stop, and everything made me cry the rest of the day. Damn her.
I ended up having to leave early yesterday anyway because of my back. I've had this nerve pain for a few months now that was horrible yesterday. Not sure if it's the sciatic nerve or what, but it's most painful in my lower back and shoots down my leg. It's normally a little painful almost every day, but it was the worst it's ever been yesterday. I could barely walk or move. The drive home was fun.
So, I have the house to myself now. It's very quiet. The pooch has actually been at the boyfriend's house since Wednesday. I figured it would make all the packing and loading of the trailer easier for the roommate if he wasn't there barking his head off the whole time. Then I didn't pick him up as scheduled last night because I hurt too much to drive. It's lonely without my puppy, but the cat has enjoyed it. I usually stay at the boyfriend's house every Saturday night, but he'll be staying here for the first time tonight!! I can't wait. (Finally get to have sex in my new house!! hehe) He'll bring my pup back and bring his too, so it'll be a full house once again for a little bit. I can't wait for him to move in, but I will thoroughly enjoy having the place all to myself for a bit! :)
Friday, December 20, 2013
I'm a Grump
I've been in a bad mood most of this week. Work has sucked. One of our main girls has been out a couple of weeks now... she's in rehab somewhere for pills and will be at least until the end of the month. Who knows if she'll even come back when she gets out? I really hope she gets better, but this couldn't have come at a worse time of year. This is our busiest time, and now we've only got three teenagers doing things in the back now. Drama, drama. My boss has been out sick, so I've been working long hours with no lunch breaks because there's no one else to cover. Grouchy clients to boot. Grrr... So happy I'm off tomorrow.
On my day off earlier this week I was just in a bad mood from the get go. Had what was supposed to be lunch with the boyfriend at 4:30 at a restaurant we both love that just opened up a month or so ago. One of the worst services I've had anywhere, and the food really wasn't that great. Maybe we'll give it another month or two.
No matter what I say to just about anyone lately... I'm wrong. When I do something for someone... I did it wrong. Even when I'm right, I know I'm right and I have proof to back me up... I'm still wrong. I've just stopped talking to people because I'm tired of being wrong.
I had three packages magically disappear from my doorstep Wednesday. I don't know if they were actually stolen or possibly delivered to the wrong house, but they're gone. Three different Christmas presents. Two are being replaced by the wonderful sellers they came from, but one I'm still not sure about. I've never had a problem with packages being stolen before and I really hope that wasn't the case. I feel pretty safe in this neighborhood... the drug dealer and his clients have never caused me any problems, and the questionable looking people who walk down the street off of my little nook have never really ventured into the nook. Yes, all those people are here in my neighborhood, but I've never had cause to not feel safe. Hopefully that's still the case.
Some good things...
- The roommate did get married and actually moves across the country to be with her husband a week from today.
- I'll have the house to myself. No more fruit flies from her leaving food all over the place.
- I'm pretty excited for Christmas. I actually made a few of the gifts and I'm most excited about them.
- I keep hoping the boyfriend will officially propose on Christmas... he probably won't, but a girl can dream, haha.
- In March I'll be attending the Million Woman March for Endometriosis in Washington, DC. It's a worldwide event to raise awareness happening at the same time in dozens of country capitals. I think it's going to be an amazing experience, and I absolutely cannot wait for it.
If I don't make it back here before Christmas, I hope it, or whatever you celebrate, is wonderful!
On my day off earlier this week I was just in a bad mood from the get go. Had what was supposed to be lunch with the boyfriend at 4:30 at a restaurant we both love that just opened up a month or so ago. One of the worst services I've had anywhere, and the food really wasn't that great. Maybe we'll give it another month or two.
No matter what I say to just about anyone lately... I'm wrong. When I do something for someone... I did it wrong. Even when I'm right, I know I'm right and I have proof to back me up... I'm still wrong. I've just stopped talking to people because I'm tired of being wrong.
I had three packages magically disappear from my doorstep Wednesday. I don't know if they were actually stolen or possibly delivered to the wrong house, but they're gone. Three different Christmas presents. Two are being replaced by the wonderful sellers they came from, but one I'm still not sure about. I've never had a problem with packages being stolen before and I really hope that wasn't the case. I feel pretty safe in this neighborhood... the drug dealer and his clients have never caused me any problems, and the questionable looking people who walk down the street off of my little nook have never really ventured into the nook. Yes, all those people are here in my neighborhood, but I've never had cause to not feel safe. Hopefully that's still the case.
Some good things...
- The roommate did get married and actually moves across the country to be with her husband a week from today.
- I'll have the house to myself. No more fruit flies from her leaving food all over the place.
- I'm pretty excited for Christmas. I actually made a few of the gifts and I'm most excited about them.
- I keep hoping the boyfriend will officially propose on Christmas... he probably won't, but a girl can dream, haha.
- In March I'll be attending the Million Woman March for Endometriosis in Washington, DC. It's a worldwide event to raise awareness happening at the same time in dozens of country capitals. I think it's going to be an amazing experience, and I absolutely cannot wait for it.
If I don't make it back here before Christmas, I hope it, or whatever you celebrate, is wonderful!
Saturday, November 30, 2013
More Bullet Points
I don't know why I don't write as much anymore. Every time I sit down to do it I draw a blank. I get to thinking that when I'm happy there's not a whole lot of interesting thing to write about. So, here's a list in no particular order...
- The roommate became officially engaged yesterday. Her fiance flew over late Thanksgiving day and will be with us for a week. He proposed yesterday morning, and she's crazy happy. They have this long plan, but the basics of it all is that they're getting married on paper at the courthouse next week, which I will be the witness of. Then they'll have an actual wedding sometime next year, which she asked me to be maid of honor at. Eeeeek!
- Thanksgiving was good. My mother had to go into work in the afternoon, so we had a lunch. The boyfriend had to work all day, so I took him a big plate of leftovers. I headed to my "sisters'" parents' house for desserts and hanging out in the evening. It was a good day.
- For once, it felt awesome to be surrounded by kids at Thanksgiving. My sisters' three kids are three weeks, 10 months, and two years old... and I got to play with them all. Usually I shy away, but these kids are definitely family. When someone asked if anyone wanted to hold the smallest for a bit, I jumped right up and savored the opportunity. I see her every week, but I love holding that little one. Being around them makes me feel more confident about how I'll be as a mother one day.
- I am now known for my caramel pecan pie. I made a couple for a staff potluck a couple of weeks ago and had a coworker ask if I'd make her one for Thanksgiving, which I did. She asked me for more at Christmas, as did another coworker. Making a few bucks in the process, not too shabby. I took one to my parents' house. I took one to the dinner at the sisters', and it had been highly anticipated. One particular "in-law" loved it so much last year and had been looking forward to it this year. I may start taking one every time I visit them, haha.
- The boyfriend and I are still doing amazingly! His work schedule is about to change, so we'll get two whole days to spend with each other during the week now instead of one. I can't wait! He's about to get a decent raise soon too, which I know will help him. He works so hard, and I'm so proud of him.
- He's going to help me put up my new Christmas tree next week, which is beautiful! It's all rustic-looking with pine cones and berries. It's going to look fabulous!
- I wrote a card to Holiday Mail for Heroes today. Per the Red Cross: "Once a year, we get the joy of delivering holiday greetings to veterans, military families and active-duty service members at hospitals and installations around the world." It felt pretty awesome to send a little note of greetings and thanks to them.
- I had four homemade scarves to donate this winter. I've been knitting for the sake of knitting on and off since July or August, and it feels good to give what I've made to a good cause. I had an opportunity to sell my scarves in a local store a couple of months ago, but I had to turn it down. Making and donating them to someone who really needs them makes me happy. I don't have much to give, but it's a little something I can do.
- It snowed a couple of weeks ago!! It was just flurries, but it was beautiful! Falling from the sky that night were the quintessential six-pointed, perfectly shaped snowflakes. I stared at them in wonder as they landed individually on my coat. I've either never seen or just hadn't noticed any before. Usually when I see snow, it's coming down in clumps, so maybe I just hadn't had the chance before. Either way, it was beautiful and strange for November in this part of NC. I loved it!
- We had a flood a couple of weeks ago too... at work. I walked in one day to find the entire front of the building (the store, groom room, office, hallway, bathrooms, mini-kitchen, drying areas) under at least two inches of water. A pipe had burst in a wall overnight, and who knows how long it had been pouring out. We spent about two hours squeegeeing it all either out the front door or into a drain in the hallway bathroom. It was rough.
All in all, life is still good. This stretch from Halloween to New Years is my favorite time of year, and I am thoroughly enjoying it!
- The roommate became officially engaged yesterday. Her fiance flew over late Thanksgiving day and will be with us for a week. He proposed yesterday morning, and she's crazy happy. They have this long plan, but the basics of it all is that they're getting married on paper at the courthouse next week, which I will be the witness of. Then they'll have an actual wedding sometime next year, which she asked me to be maid of honor at. Eeeeek!
- Thanksgiving was good. My mother had to go into work in the afternoon, so we had a lunch. The boyfriend had to work all day, so I took him a big plate of leftovers. I headed to my "sisters'" parents' house for desserts and hanging out in the evening. It was a good day.
- For once, it felt awesome to be surrounded by kids at Thanksgiving. My sisters' three kids are three weeks, 10 months, and two years old... and I got to play with them all. Usually I shy away, but these kids are definitely family. When someone asked if anyone wanted to hold the smallest for a bit, I jumped right up and savored the opportunity. I see her every week, but I love holding that little one. Being around them makes me feel more confident about how I'll be as a mother one day.
- I am now known for my caramel pecan pie. I made a couple for a staff potluck a couple of weeks ago and had a coworker ask if I'd make her one for Thanksgiving, which I did. She asked me for more at Christmas, as did another coworker. Making a few bucks in the process, not too shabby. I took one to my parents' house. I took one to the dinner at the sisters', and it had been highly anticipated. One particular "in-law" loved it so much last year and had been looking forward to it this year. I may start taking one every time I visit them, haha.
- The boyfriend and I are still doing amazingly! His work schedule is about to change, so we'll get two whole days to spend with each other during the week now instead of one. I can't wait! He's about to get a decent raise soon too, which I know will help him. He works so hard, and I'm so proud of him.
- He's going to help me put up my new Christmas tree next week, which is beautiful! It's all rustic-looking with pine cones and berries. It's going to look fabulous!
- I wrote a card to Holiday Mail for Heroes today. Per the Red Cross: "Once a year, we get the joy of delivering holiday greetings to veterans, military families and active-duty service members at hospitals and installations around the world." It felt pretty awesome to send a little note of greetings and thanks to them.
- I had four homemade scarves to donate this winter. I've been knitting for the sake of knitting on and off since July or August, and it feels good to give what I've made to a good cause. I had an opportunity to sell my scarves in a local store a couple of months ago, but I had to turn it down. Making and donating them to someone who really needs them makes me happy. I don't have much to give, but it's a little something I can do.
- It snowed a couple of weeks ago!! It was just flurries, but it was beautiful! Falling from the sky that night were the quintessential six-pointed, perfectly shaped snowflakes. I stared at them in wonder as they landed individually on my coat. I've either never seen or just hadn't noticed any before. Usually when I see snow, it's coming down in clumps, so maybe I just hadn't had the chance before. Either way, it was beautiful and strange for November in this part of NC. I loved it!
- We had a flood a couple of weeks ago too... at work. I walked in one day to find the entire front of the building (the store, groom room, office, hallway, bathrooms, mini-kitchen, drying areas) under at least two inches of water. A pipe had burst in a wall overnight, and who knows how long it had been pouring out. We spent about two hours squeegeeing it all either out the front door or into a drain in the hallway bathroom. It was rough.
All in all, life is still good. This stretch from Halloween to New Years is my favorite time of year, and I am thoroughly enjoying it!
Saturday, November 9, 2013
All Around Good
What a crazy week it's been! First of all, I have a new niece! I got a call around 2am Thursday morning saying it was time for my sister's baby to be born! I got up and rushed over to their house. Things seemed like they were in full swing, but just like with her first birth, they slowed and kinda stopped for awhile. The little girl didn't actually emerge until 2:30 that afternoon. The proud mama was exhausted and actually gave us a scare after the birth. She lost a lot of blood and almost passed out. She was hooked up to an IV for quite awhile and confined to the bed for a couple of days. She gets rechecked today and can hopefully get off bed restriction.
All her actual sisters couldn't make it, so I'm glad I could be there for her. I got to hold the new little one for quite awhile as they worked on mama. She is precious! I watched her look up at her mom while she was holding her and just melted. The connection there was absolutely unbelievable. I want that so much.
In other crazy news, my roommate is practically engaged. The guy that visited her about a month ago has turned into her one, and they've decided they want to have a life together. He's buying a ring this weekend. She got an awesome deal on a wedding dress a few days ago. Oh, and she's moving to California next month! He's out there for the next couple of years until he retires from the Marines, and she's going to join him. They want to move back here after that, but we'll see. I'm going to miss her terribly!!
I will be getting my house all to myself though! She had originally committed to staying with me a year. She thought about staying the full time until her fairly well off fella offered to pay her half of the rent until the summer, which....
...is when my fella will hopefully move in! We've pretty much decided we want to spend our lives together too. I'm so excited and am so in love again. I really wondered if I'd ever get to feel like this again. I feel very lucky. We were talking about everything again last week, and he said "I guess I'm going to have to propose soon, huh?" with a smile.
Aaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!! I'm pretty stoked :)
We had a hard time for a long time, and I really think we needed it. We saw all sides of each other and learned a lot about what we want. We came out on the other side stronger and more appreciative. We communicate more efficiently and compromise better.
He loves me for me, as I do him. I love how I can be completely myself around him. He's not going to be scared away. And as silly as we act together, this really feels like a grown up, adult relationship. About time, seeing as I'm 30 and he's 36, haha!
I'm actually pretty happy with my life right now! :D
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Space Filler
Today's been good! Got to sleep in and relax this morning. The roommate had a fella visiting from across the country the past few days. He and I visited her at work today (she's a server and at very nice restaurant, and he treated me to lunch!) and then I took him to the airport so he could reluctantly fly home. He's quite smitten with my roommate. After that I was supposed to go shopping with a friend to help her pick out jewelry that compliments her gorgeous dress for the Marine Corps ball, but she was sick, so I went back home and took a nap. What a bum I am.
Now I'm about to drag out my luggage for my trip Friday. Visiting a "sister" and her hubs in Raleigh that night, then to Charlotte for a concert and visiting another "sister" and her hubs and baby over the weekend. Back to Raleigh for Monday night, then home Tuesday for relaxing the rest of my week of vacation!
My local "sister" is due to have her baby any time now, and I'm hoping the little one will wait until I'm back home. You know, because that fits my schedule better. I told her if she goes into labor Saturday, I will probably have been drinking and will have to wait a few hours before I can head back. I'd really hate to miss that concert (I've been wanting to see this guy for years!), but I would for her. If the baby waits until after I go back to work, that could be tricky too. I'll be on call for jury duty about an hour away for two weeks starting the week after vaca. Fun. So yeah, I hope the baby makes her appearance sometime from next Tuesday to Sunday. But no pressure.
The boy and I are still perfect. We hung out this weekend and had a great time. He's puppy sitting while I'm away, and I'm taking my pooch over to his place tomorrow evening. I get so excited to see him. We text and talk every day, and every time something funny or interesting happens I want to tell him right away. I'm pretty smitten with him.
That's all for now. Hoping this weekend will give me more to write about.
Now I'm about to drag out my luggage for my trip Friday. Visiting a "sister" and her hubs in Raleigh that night, then to Charlotte for a concert and visiting another "sister" and her hubs and baby over the weekend. Back to Raleigh for Monday night, then home Tuesday for relaxing the rest of my week of vacation!
My local "sister" is due to have her baby any time now, and I'm hoping the little one will wait until I'm back home. You know, because that fits my schedule better. I told her if she goes into labor Saturday, I will probably have been drinking and will have to wait a few hours before I can head back. I'd really hate to miss that concert (I've been wanting to see this guy for years!), but I would for her. If the baby waits until after I go back to work, that could be tricky too. I'll be on call for jury duty about an hour away for two weeks starting the week after vaca. Fun. So yeah, I hope the baby makes her appearance sometime from next Tuesday to Sunday. But no pressure.
The boy and I are still perfect. We hung out this weekend and had a great time. He's puppy sitting while I'm away, and I'm taking my pooch over to his place tomorrow evening. I get so excited to see him. We text and talk every day, and every time something funny or interesting happens I want to tell him right away. I'm pretty smitten with him.
That's all for now. Hoping this weekend will give me more to write about.
Saturday, October 5, 2013
Party and Tattoo Night
Last night was pretty fabulous and much needed. It started with a gathering of coworkers at our favorite Mexican restaurant for "staff meetings". We ate and chatted. Most of us have tattoos, and the most uptight one among us expressed an interest in getting her first one. And so a plan immediately developed that several of us would head over to a tattoo shop after dinner and help her pick one out. She insisted she wouldn't get one right then, but the rest of us wanted to and hoped she would join in.
After telling the waiter at the restaurant we were also celebrating our manager's birthday, he brought her out a shot of tequila, and she was ready to go! Just this past year she's gotten her first two tattoos and was the biggest instigator of last night's plan. After many pictures, hugs and goodbyes five of us headed to the tattoo shop.
Big boss lady stayed with the tattoo virgin to make sure she didn't run away while I found out if they could work on us that night. We hung out exploring options while waiting for our turn. Three of us already knew what we wanted, but one girl didn't have her ID so couldn't get done. The virgin found one she really liked but couldn't decide on placement (that's the story anyway). So she stuck to her guns and hauled ass out of there. The boss knew what she wanted, but it needed to be reworked some and couldn't be done last night.
So two of us got tattoos. She and I have worked together for many years and are pretty close. We'd been talking about getting one together for a long time. She went first and took it like a champ. The tattoo artist was wonderful and we all shared a smoke break before he started on me. He drew on what I told him I wanted, and after a few adjustments, he got started. I got an addition to my back, this being the fourth session on it.
Each piece is in the same style, but a little different. I love how each one holds certain memories and reminds me of different parts of my life. The first I got when I bought my first house. The second I got with the ex-husband. The third I got with my awesome roommate. And this one I got with wonderful friends who just happen to be coworkers.
I can't wait for my next addition.
So two of us got tattoos. She and I have worked together for many years and are pretty close. We'd been talking about getting one together for a long time. She went first and took it like a champ. The tattoo artist was wonderful and we all shared a smoke break before he started on me. He drew on what I told him I wanted, and after a few adjustments, he got started. I got an addition to my back, this being the fourth session on it.
Each piece is in the same style, but a little different. I love how each one holds certain memories and reminds me of different parts of my life. The first I got when I bought my first house. The second I got with the ex-husband. The third I got with my awesome roommate. And this one I got with wonderful friends who just happen to be coworkers.
I can't wait for my next addition.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
The Third Wheel
That's what I have been my entire life. I'm always the friend of the girl who's got the admirer/boyfriend that doesn't want me hanging around so he can make his moves.
When I was in high school, my best friend and I were kind of inseparable. I learned several months after she and her boyfriend broke up that he blamed me for the split. I'd had no idea and hated it. I was single up until I met the ex-husband when I was 24. Before that I had always been the tag along, the one who got the pity invite.
A couple of years ago the roommate and I were supposed to be having dinner together, then she informed me that she had invited her boyfriend. She asked if I was cool with it after the fact, and what was I supposed to say? No, not at all? Technically he was the third party, but it didn't work out that way. I sat in the back seat and watched them hold hands while he tried to guess the private location of her newest tattoo. Throughout dinner I watched them. It sucked. The past couple of years I've had to endure it from time to time, and eventually I just decided to not put myself in those kind of situations anymore.
Last night the roommate had a friend over, and we all hung out talking. It was nice feeling equal. She came home tonight and said he was coming back over in a bit to watch a movie we'd talked about yesterday. One I really want to see. I asked if it was cool if I watched it with them, or if they wanted to be alone. I asked just to be on the safe side. She then told me that he actually came back over last night at midnight, they just slept (yeah, sure) in the same bed together, and he left at 6am. Awesome.
I said I would not be watching the movie with them because it would be awkward. She insisted that it wouldn't be and that she wanted me to watch it with them, but I refused. She may pretend not to know it, but if he stayed in her bed last night, he definitely doesn't want me watching the movie with them.
So he arrived a few minutes ago, and I've purposely stayed here writing this. I hate being a third wheel in my own house.
Oh, yeah... She also told me tonight that her alcoholic ex-boyfriend crashed his car today and called her to rescue him. And because he lives twenty minutes from his job and we live about five, she invited him to crash with us and that she wasn't going to let him drink in the house. So he'll be detoxing while crashing on my couch. Actually it'll probably be in her bed, but whatever. More awesome.
When I was in high school, my best friend and I were kind of inseparable. I learned several months after she and her boyfriend broke up that he blamed me for the split. I'd had no idea and hated it. I was single up until I met the ex-husband when I was 24. Before that I had always been the tag along, the one who got the pity invite.
A couple of years ago the roommate and I were supposed to be having dinner together, then she informed me that she had invited her boyfriend. She asked if I was cool with it after the fact, and what was I supposed to say? No, not at all? Technically he was the third party, but it didn't work out that way. I sat in the back seat and watched them hold hands while he tried to guess the private location of her newest tattoo. Throughout dinner I watched them. It sucked. The past couple of years I've had to endure it from time to time, and eventually I just decided to not put myself in those kind of situations anymore.
Last night the roommate had a friend over, and we all hung out talking. It was nice feeling equal. She came home tonight and said he was coming back over in a bit to watch a movie we'd talked about yesterday. One I really want to see. I asked if it was cool if I watched it with them, or if they wanted to be alone. I asked just to be on the safe side. She then told me that he actually came back over last night at midnight, they just slept (yeah, sure) in the same bed together, and he left at 6am. Awesome.
I said I would not be watching the movie with them because it would be awkward. She insisted that it wouldn't be and that she wanted me to watch it with them, but I refused. She may pretend not to know it, but if he stayed in her bed last night, he definitely doesn't want me watching the movie with them.
So he arrived a few minutes ago, and I've purposely stayed here writing this. I hate being a third wheel in my own house.
Oh, yeah... She also told me tonight that her alcoholic ex-boyfriend crashed his car today and called her to rescue him. And because he lives twenty minutes from his job and we live about five, she invited him to crash with us and that she wasn't going to let him drink in the house. So he'll be detoxing while crashing on my couch. Actually it'll probably be in her bed, but whatever. More awesome.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Puppy
I almost brought home this little one today.
She's an approximately twelve-week-old husky or malamute who was found on the side of a road. I fell in love with her the minute I saw her sweet face. She's got one brown eye and one blue, just like my current pup! She was hungry, tired and covered in fleas and ticks. She was mellow and just lied there while I went over her getting all the bad bugs off. After her bath she almost fell asleep wrapped up in a towel in my arms.
I was so close to bringing her home for a trial run tonight but ultimately decided I shouldn't. It was a hard decision (just look at that face!), but I feel it was the right one. It would be one thing to take in either of the exs' dogs whose personalities I already know, but a puppy is a totally different story. I'm not ready to train another pup. I like how my current dog is totally housebroken and not at all destructive. I'm definitely not ready to train another pup. She'll find a good home with someone who can give her all the time she needs.
In other news, here are some updates: I am not pregnant. The roommate's sister and baby are not moving in. She and I are back to our old awesome roommate ways now. The ex-bf and I never took that day trip, but maybe this weekend or next. I broke my lawnmower and almost chopped off my thumb, but not to worry... there's a new heavy duty swirly whirligig in town, and all my digits are in tact!
She's an approximately twelve-week-old husky or malamute who was found on the side of a road. I fell in love with her the minute I saw her sweet face. She's got one brown eye and one blue, just like my current pup! She was hungry, tired and covered in fleas and ticks. She was mellow and just lied there while I went over her getting all the bad bugs off. After her bath she almost fell asleep wrapped up in a towel in my arms.
I was so close to bringing her home for a trial run tonight but ultimately decided I shouldn't. It was a hard decision (just look at that face!), but I feel it was the right one. It would be one thing to take in either of the exs' dogs whose personalities I already know, but a puppy is a totally different story. I'm not ready to train another pup. I like how my current dog is totally housebroken and not at all destructive. I'm definitely not ready to train another pup. She'll find a good home with someone who can give her all the time she needs.
In other news, here are some updates: I am not pregnant. The roommate's sister and baby are not moving in. She and I are back to our old awesome roommate ways now. The ex-bf and I never took that day trip, but maybe this weekend or next. I broke my lawnmower and almost chopped off my thumb, but not to worry... there's a new heavy duty swirly whirligig in town, and all my digits are in tact!
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Fabulous Fourth
What a beautiful day it has been! Got to sleep in and had cinnamon rolls and coffee for breakfast. Later morning, the roommate and I headed out for Independence Day celebrations downtown. First we heard the drum and fife band and watched them march up to the palace doors...
We parked ourselves in the grass and listened to a reading of the Declaration of Independence...
Then we walked around the gardens and took lots of pictures...
 |
| What I imagine to be the entrance to a secret garden |
Gorgeousness all around! It was fantastic. After our little self-guided tour of all the grounds, we headed further downtown and walked the streets. We went into a little store, and I had my first ever ice cream float. We visited a friend working at a local outdoors shop. We passed a group on the street handing out mini American flags that had been in the ground at a local memorial for fallen soldiers. Each flag represented a life lost in Iraq, and I almost teared up hearing the story as I was handed one. I really am lucky.
Just as it was getting almost too hot to bear, the slightest sprinkling came down to cool us off, continuing our local streak of at least (gotta be by now!) two weeks straight of rain every single day. It's been ridiculous.
But today has been fabulous, and I've highly enjoyed it. I'm hanging with the ex-bf this evening and trying to convince him to go see fireworks with me. I haven't been to a display since 2009, I believe. Although I'm not sure if I want to be out in all the heat again waiting for darkness to fall. We shall see.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
One More Thing
I had a mini-meltdown today. My roommate came home and told me that her sister wants to move down to this area. She asked me what I thought about her sister and her baby taking her room, and her moving upstairs to the loft. Actually she totally left out the baby part during the asking, and I had to confirm that this was the sister that just had a baby.
We haven't even been here four weeks, and she asked me if her sister and her baby could move in with us. What the fuck??
It would only be temporary, but how temporary? She said the three of them would eventually find a place to live together. She had reassured me several times before moving in that she would be living with me for a year. What happened to that?? She said she could arrange for that, and I said I wasn't going to force her to stay here. Not that I could anyway, but she'd given me her word.
She went to the store after that, and I had to get out of the house. I ended up going to my old house and hanging out with the dog while the ex-boyfriend was at work. I just wanted to go home, and that place still feels like it.
I have a difficult time with change, and it's just one thing after another lately. I'm just looking to find some normalcy again, and I'm having a really hard time with that.
I still don't know how to answer her question.
We haven't even been here four weeks, and she asked me if her sister and her baby could move in with us. What the fuck??
It would only be temporary, but how temporary? She said the three of them would eventually find a place to live together. She had reassured me several times before moving in that she would be living with me for a year. What happened to that?? She said she could arrange for that, and I said I wasn't going to force her to stay here. Not that I could anyway, but she'd given me her word.
She went to the store after that, and I had to get out of the house. I ended up going to my old house and hanging out with the dog while the ex-boyfriend was at work. I just wanted to go home, and that place still feels like it.
I have a difficult time with change, and it's just one thing after another lately. I'm just looking to find some normalcy again, and I'm having a really hard time with that.
I still don't know how to answer her question.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Hurt
Elementary school crisis. That's what I'm in. It's childish and ridiculous.
But, it's not.
It was hurtful, even though it was done with supposedly good intentions. Ready for this one?
One of my very best friends in the whole world, possibly the best one, the one who is my awesomest roommate, the one who is my person and the female who gets me... didn't invite me to her birthday party.
She is all about FB and set up an event page for her big 30 extravaganza and made the decision not to invite me. She didn't even tell me about it. I saw the event on my news feed right after she set it up. I figured maybe it would only allow her to invite a few people at a time, and I was going to be on her second passing, or maybe she had just accidentally passed over my name. About fifteen minutes or so later I kinda jokingly asked, "So I'm not invited to your birthday party, huh?" She came downstairs and said with an uh-oh-I-may-have-screwed-up tone in her voice, "You can come if you want."
Knowing then it was no mistake I just kinda said, "Ok" and made a weird face. She then went on to say it was because she didn't think I would come because it was occurring an hour away with no one that I would know. Because she knows I don't like big crowds or situations like that. Because she figured we'd have a smaller, lower key celebration another time. Nice of her, right?
I'm one of her best friends and she should have invited me whether she thought I would come or not. I would never do something like that to her.
Plain and simple.
We ended up talking for a bit and she did apologize. I was kinda worked up with hurt emotions and went and embarrassed the hell out of myself saying how jealous I am of her and her life with all her new friends. Why the fuck did I find that necessary?
(Side story: She and her boyfriend just decided last night to take a break [although she's pretty sure they're going to be totally broken up] because they are so different now. The past few days she's said how he's set in his routine and doesn't like to go anywhere or do anything new and that's so not her. She's also said how she stopped inviting him to do things because he always says no... sound familiar?)
I went and said that I'm scared she and I have nothing in common anymore and how every time she's described her boyfriend she's also been describing me. How I knew that I hadn't been as interesting or as much fun to be around lately. As it all came out it sounded like I was comparing our relationship to her and her boyfriend's, and I just felt idiotic.
I felt the same jealousy that I did when the husband went out and got new friends and didn't want to invite me along anymore. Maybe I was channeling back to how much that hurt, I don't know. But I felt stupid.
Anyways, I ended up apologizing for acting so stupid and said how embarrassed I was at all I had just said. She went on to say how it was always me that she knew she had always been able to count on, even more so than her boyfriend. When she needed to talk or just be around someone who let her be when they knew she didn't want to talk, she had always come to me. Trying to reassure me or something, I don't know.
After our weird chat, we resumed our previous plans of watching a movie and ate some dinner afterward. Now she's out for a drive looking for the super moon somewhere in our cloudy, post-storm sky. It's kinda weird between us now. It really has been since she moved in, but I figured it was just me in my depressive state not being as enthusiastic as I used to be with talking to her and going out and stuff.
I hate that that's people's perception of me and that they think I should be sheltered like that. I hated it when I was a 20-something virgin and friends tried to shelter me from all the sex talk and would quiet down when I walked into the room. Maybe I was channeling the hurt from that too.
I hate being me sometimes. I really can't take it anymore.
But, it's not.
It was hurtful, even though it was done with supposedly good intentions. Ready for this one?
One of my very best friends in the whole world, possibly the best one, the one who is my awesomest roommate, the one who is my person and the female who gets me... didn't invite me to her birthday party.
She is all about FB and set up an event page for her big 30 extravaganza and made the decision not to invite me. She didn't even tell me about it. I saw the event on my news feed right after she set it up. I figured maybe it would only allow her to invite a few people at a time, and I was going to be on her second passing, or maybe she had just accidentally passed over my name. About fifteen minutes or so later I kinda jokingly asked, "So I'm not invited to your birthday party, huh?" She came downstairs and said with an uh-oh-I-may-have-screwed-up tone in her voice, "You can come if you want."
Knowing then it was no mistake I just kinda said, "Ok" and made a weird face. She then went on to say it was because she didn't think I would come because it was occurring an hour away with no one that I would know. Because she knows I don't like big crowds or situations like that. Because she figured we'd have a smaller, lower key celebration another time. Nice of her, right?
I'm one of her best friends and she should have invited me whether she thought I would come or not. I would never do something like that to her.
Plain and simple.
We ended up talking for a bit and she did apologize. I was kinda worked up with hurt emotions and went and embarrassed the hell out of myself saying how jealous I am of her and her life with all her new friends. Why the fuck did I find that necessary?
(Side story: She and her boyfriend just decided last night to take a break [although she's pretty sure they're going to be totally broken up] because they are so different now. The past few days she's said how he's set in his routine and doesn't like to go anywhere or do anything new and that's so not her. She's also said how she stopped inviting him to do things because he always says no... sound familiar?)
I went and said that I'm scared she and I have nothing in common anymore and how every time she's described her boyfriend she's also been describing me. How I knew that I hadn't been as interesting or as much fun to be around lately. As it all came out it sounded like I was comparing our relationship to her and her boyfriend's, and I just felt idiotic.
I felt the same jealousy that I did when the husband went out and got new friends and didn't want to invite me along anymore. Maybe I was channeling back to how much that hurt, I don't know. But I felt stupid.
Anyways, I ended up apologizing for acting so stupid and said how embarrassed I was at all I had just said. She went on to say how it was always me that she knew she had always been able to count on, even more so than her boyfriend. When she needed to talk or just be around someone who let her be when they knew she didn't want to talk, she had always come to me. Trying to reassure me or something, I don't know.
After our weird chat, we resumed our previous plans of watching a movie and ate some dinner afterward. Now she's out for a drive looking for the super moon somewhere in our cloudy, post-storm sky. It's kinda weird between us now. It really has been since she moved in, but I figured it was just me in my depressive state not being as enthusiastic as I used to be with talking to her and going out and stuff.
I hate that that's people's perception of me and that they think I should be sheltered like that. I hated it when I was a 20-something virgin and friends tried to shelter me from all the sex talk and would quiet down when I walked into the room. Maybe I was channeling the hurt from that too.
I hate being me sometimes. I really can't take it anymore.
Thursday, June 13, 2013
It never fails...
Just when I think I'm picking myself up and am doing pretty well for myself, something comes along and reminds me just how much I'm not.
For a few moments I was proud of the progress I've been making and of actually truly believing it was happening. I was even kind of cocky about it just an hour ago. I was thinking that since this break up with the now ex-boyfriend, I really haven't thought about the loss of the ex-husband in a little while. Whenever he's posted things lately, I haven't felt nearly as much pain and regret as I have been for years now (except when it's pictures of him holding babies, which is totally justified, right?). That's definitely something! And whenever I've thought of the ex-bf the past couple of days I've actually believed it was for the best and that I will find my prince charming eventually. All good things and positive steps! I was even going to brag here with a nice post about finally being over it all.
Until just a few minutes ago when a completely unrelated event occurred. A simple happening really that shouldn't have affected me the way it did. Except that it was with the roommate, who in her awesomeness makes me totally jealous of her life. She came home from a ukelele jam session (yes, you read that right) downtown where she showed off her vocal and musical skills and showed me some video from it. All I could think the entire time I was watching was how I wish I could have just a tenth of her confidence. I even remarked how awesome it must feel to have her confidence and talent in every aspect of her life. And with that I teared up and promptly said goodnight.
Literally, as I just typed that last sentence, she came in to get her laundry and told a story that kind of epitomizes her life in my eyes right now. Monday she bailed on me and my sister's dinner for a taco party with her friends. She texted the host asking if she could bring anything, and he replied condoms. Duh, what else would you take? She asked if he wanted any particular kind (colored, flavored), and he named off his choice. So she got some condoms. She had every intention of showing up, throwing the box down on the table and proclaiming "I'm here for the taco party!", but some other guy's ten year old son was there, and she didn't think it would be appropriate. So she just showed the text conversation to the host's girlfriend and they had a chuckle. She comes home with stories like this every freakin day.
And the pathetic thing is that I'm totally jealous of her. She lives her life. She goes after what she wants. She has the confidence to do anything in the world and she does it. How do I get that? How do I stop being scared of... everything?
Then again, as she was showing me the video and I was admiring her life, I actively thought how just as that is what she wants on a Thursday evening, I just want to curl up with a man I love. We may be very similar in some ways, but we are very different in others, and I HAVE GOT TO STOP COMPARING MYSELF TO HER. But that is so hard when she's returning every day with glorious stories of adventures with her many friends while I'm sitting home alone every night in a depression that I keep trying to talk myself out of and once again I'm terrified to walk out the front door.
I really hate myself sometimes. AND I CAN'T GET MY FUCKING HAPPY PILLS YET. THIS DELAY IS DRIVING ME CRAZY. Maybe they'll come through tomorrow.
Such a mess I am.
For a few moments I was proud of the progress I've been making and of actually truly believing it was happening. I was even kind of cocky about it just an hour ago. I was thinking that since this break up with the now ex-boyfriend, I really haven't thought about the loss of the ex-husband in a little while. Whenever he's posted things lately, I haven't felt nearly as much pain and regret as I have been for years now (except when it's pictures of him holding babies, which is totally justified, right?). That's definitely something! And whenever I've thought of the ex-bf the past couple of days I've actually believed it was for the best and that I will find my prince charming eventually. All good things and positive steps! I was even going to brag here with a nice post about finally being over it all.
Until just a few minutes ago when a completely unrelated event occurred. A simple happening really that shouldn't have affected me the way it did. Except that it was with the roommate, who in her awesomeness makes me totally jealous of her life. She came home from a ukelele jam session (yes, you read that right) downtown where she showed off her vocal and musical skills and showed me some video from it. All I could think the entire time I was watching was how I wish I could have just a tenth of her confidence. I even remarked how awesome it must feel to have her confidence and talent in every aspect of her life. And with that I teared up and promptly said goodnight.
Literally, as I just typed that last sentence, she came in to get her laundry and told a story that kind of epitomizes her life in my eyes right now. Monday she bailed on me and my sister's dinner for a taco party with her friends. She texted the host asking if she could bring anything, and he replied condoms. Duh, what else would you take? She asked if he wanted any particular kind (colored, flavored), and he named off his choice. So she got some condoms. She had every intention of showing up, throwing the box down on the table and proclaiming "I'm here for the taco party!", but some other guy's ten year old son was there, and she didn't think it would be appropriate. So she just showed the text conversation to the host's girlfriend and they had a chuckle. She comes home with stories like this every freakin day.
And the pathetic thing is that I'm totally jealous of her. She lives her life. She goes after what she wants. She has the confidence to do anything in the world and she does it. How do I get that? How do I stop being scared of... everything?
Then again, as she was showing me the video and I was admiring her life, I actively thought how just as that is what she wants on a Thursday evening, I just want to curl up with a man I love. We may be very similar in some ways, but we are very different in others, and I HAVE GOT TO STOP COMPARING MYSELF TO HER. But that is so hard when she's returning every day with glorious stories of adventures with her many friends while I'm sitting home alone every night in a depression that I keep trying to talk myself out of and once again I'm terrified to walk out the front door.
I really hate myself sometimes. AND I CAN'T GET MY FUCKING HAPPY PILLS YET. THIS DELAY IS DRIVING ME CRAZY. Maybe they'll come through tomorrow.
Such a mess I am.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
More Progress
My current horoscope from Real Detroit Weekly:
"Now that the pressure is off you're beginning to pop back into a reality structure that has as much room for you as it does for everything else. The short form on that would be: you're returning to the place where you have room to breathe. The creative spark has yet to be lit on the flame that lights the way to the next thing. At this point your main task concerns the need to be human. Sunlight, water, and enough earth under your feet to keep you grounded; combine these with the things that give you joy and that's where your heart needs to go for the next two or three weeks."
Once again, this seems spot on. Crazy.
The Sunday play date with the ex threw me off for a day or so. We had a fantastic afternoon... we drank, had dinner, had sex and he was more affectionate than ever before. I guess the absence made his heart a little fonder. It was a great time. Then he got drunk and did the woe-is-me thing. Somehow we got on the topic of kids, and I asked him flat out about it, but he said he thinks his ship has sailed for that. He was saying how he's got nothing to offer anyone and will be alone forever. I honestly didn't know what to say to him, but I felt awful. I felt after the great afternoon we'd had that maybe we could work it out down the line. But I keep telling myself that that's probably not the case and that I need to move on.
So I've focused on the house. I had my sister over Monday evening for my first full home-cooked meal in the new place. Last night I hung up a towel rack and spackled some walls. Today I finally hung up my pictures and artwork, which really do make it feel more like I belong here now. I broke out the lawn mower again and used my new weed eater for the first time this afternoon. Then I was stupid and started to dig a huge hole in the yard for the pup's new mini septic tank thingy in 90-degree weather. I kept hitting rocks and roots which made it very difficult. I lost my shade about halfway down and am now waiting for it to cool off to finish the tiresome digging.
I'm exhausted. But I finally got Internet today (yay!) and am now taking full advantage of it. Tonight, the roommie and I are planning on cooking our first dinner together since moving in, but she's currently on the phone with her boyfriend discussing important issues that may determine if they stay together or not. Awkward. I hope they work it out but I hope they do it fast. I'm really hungry.
"Now that the pressure is off you're beginning to pop back into a reality structure that has as much room for you as it does for everything else. The short form on that would be: you're returning to the place where you have room to breathe. The creative spark has yet to be lit on the flame that lights the way to the next thing. At this point your main task concerns the need to be human. Sunlight, water, and enough earth under your feet to keep you grounded; combine these with the things that give you joy and that's where your heart needs to go for the next two or three weeks."
Once again, this seems spot on. Crazy.
The Sunday play date with the ex threw me off for a day or so. We had a fantastic afternoon... we drank, had dinner, had sex and he was more affectionate than ever before. I guess the absence made his heart a little fonder. It was a great time. Then he got drunk and did the woe-is-me thing. Somehow we got on the topic of kids, and I asked him flat out about it, but he said he thinks his ship has sailed for that. He was saying how he's got nothing to offer anyone and will be alone forever. I honestly didn't know what to say to him, but I felt awful. I felt after the great afternoon we'd had that maybe we could work it out down the line. But I keep telling myself that that's probably not the case and that I need to move on.
So I've focused on the house. I had my sister over Monday evening for my first full home-cooked meal in the new place. Last night I hung up a towel rack and spackled some walls. Today I finally hung up my pictures and artwork, which really do make it feel more like I belong here now. I broke out the lawn mower again and used my new weed eater for the first time this afternoon. Then I was stupid and started to dig a huge hole in the yard for the pup's new mini septic tank thingy in 90-degree weather. I kept hitting rocks and roots which made it very difficult. I lost my shade about halfway down and am now waiting for it to cool off to finish the tiresome digging.
I'm exhausted. But I finally got Internet today (yay!) and am now taking full advantage of it. Tonight, the roommie and I are planning on cooking our first dinner together since moving in, but she's currently on the phone with her boyfriend discussing important issues that may determine if they stay together or not. Awkward. I hope they work it out but I hope they do it fast. I'm really hungry.
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Slow Progress
I'm starting to feel a little better I think. I haven't gotten the happy pills yet, but the roommate has moved in, and that has helped a ton. I love her. The house is coming together nicely and it's starting to feel more like home. I don't dread being in it by myself anymore. That's a good thing considering the roommate is gone four nights a week.
I saw the ex bf at the old house Wednesday when I was collecting the last of my stuff. It actually went ok. We talked over a little lunch, and he kissed me goodbye. He said he's gonna get the kisses in while he still can. I was okay with that. We're having a Game of Thrones and doggie play date tomorrow. We'll see what happens there.
Today marks a full week in the house and also with no Internet. It's amazing how much you depend on and get used to it, especially when you don't have a television. It's scheduled for install this Wednesday. Thank goodness for Internet on phones. I haven't felt much like reading since moving but I'm hoping to soon, especially with a nice new couch and loft to lounge in.
I'm getting there.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Bullet Points
Got the appraisal back on the house and it's good! The value is there and the house doesn't need major repairs. We're now scheduling the actual home inspection, and I'm not anticipating anything huge.
I have a serious potential buyer for my old engagement ring. It still hurts to sell it, but the money from it would wipe out about 75% of my credit card debt. I could pay that off much quicker and actually start saving more.
I'm usually off Wednesdays but am picking up a few extra hours today. We're short staffed right now, and I volunteered. The extra moo-lah can't hurt.
After work, I'm coming home to soak up some more sun. The tan is actually coming along pretty well. I have a free outdoor chaise lounge thing on the way soon too. No more laying on the brick patio.
Boxes are starting to take over the house. The bf has started packing a few things, and I'm about to. It's so weird. I'm moving out at the beginning of the last month of our lease and he said, "So you'll be out and I'm gonna be stuck with all the cleaning, huh?" after I'd said several times before that I'd be back to clean and that I personally would shampoo all the carpet. I hate how he does that.
He's been extra standoffish the past few days, although he was sweet this morning and even made extra coffee for me. I guess he gets in his moods too. I do care about him, but I am very much looking forward to not worrying about what a man is thinking all the time. It's exhausting and emotionally draining.
Emotionally, I'm feeling a little better than I was in the last post. It's crazy how it comes and goes. I got a voice mail yesterday from the place in Memphis where I did the clinical trials for anti-depressants. The guy said they're just checking in to see how I'm doing, and I thought that I really don't know how I would answer that.
I'm looking forward to a relaxing summer. I'll be living with one of my best friends, which will be good. I'll have plenty of time in my new house to myself since she usually spends 3-4 nights a week with her boyfriend. I have no real plans but reading, sun soaking, hitting the gym and maybe taking up knitting again. I have no interest in following patterns, but I do like the act of creating something with my hands. My plan is to make a bunch of scarves and donate them this winter.
So, yeah. That's what's going on right now. Time to get ready for work.
I have a serious potential buyer for my old engagement ring. It still hurts to sell it, but the money from it would wipe out about 75% of my credit card debt. I could pay that off much quicker and actually start saving more.
I'm usually off Wednesdays but am picking up a few extra hours today. We're short staffed right now, and I volunteered. The extra moo-lah can't hurt.
After work, I'm coming home to soak up some more sun. The tan is actually coming along pretty well. I have a free outdoor chaise lounge thing on the way soon too. No more laying on the brick patio.
Boxes are starting to take over the house. The bf has started packing a few things, and I'm about to. It's so weird. I'm moving out at the beginning of the last month of our lease and he said, "So you'll be out and I'm gonna be stuck with all the cleaning, huh?" after I'd said several times before that I'd be back to clean and that I personally would shampoo all the carpet. I hate how he does that.
He's been extra standoffish the past few days, although he was sweet this morning and even made extra coffee for me. I guess he gets in his moods too. I do care about him, but I am very much looking forward to not worrying about what a man is thinking all the time. It's exhausting and emotionally draining.
Emotionally, I'm feeling a little better than I was in the last post. It's crazy how it comes and goes. I got a voice mail yesterday from the place in Memphis where I did the clinical trials for anti-depressants. The guy said they're just checking in to see how I'm doing, and I thought that I really don't know how I would answer that.
I'm looking forward to a relaxing summer. I'll be living with one of my best friends, which will be good. I'll have plenty of time in my new house to myself since she usually spends 3-4 nights a week with her boyfriend. I have no real plans but reading, sun soaking, hitting the gym and maybe taking up knitting again. I have no interest in following patterns, but I do like the act of creating something with my hands. My plan is to make a bunch of scarves and donate them this winter.
So, yeah. That's what's going on right now. Time to get ready for work.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Sinking
So the other day I posted a "gag me with a spoon" reference on FB and my amazingly smart roommate to be figured out it was partially influenced by her lovey dovey post. She felt bad and I felt bad and tonight we did this whole talk about it but dance around because we don't want to hurt each others' feelings and such thing. I just messaged her because I can't let stuff go, and I still feel weird simply because, even if only briefly, we made each other feel bad. We've never had something like that happen between us. I guess it's only natural, but I don't like it. Maybe because she's turned into my person and I don't want to lose her.
I know you're not supposed to compare your life to others', but it really seems like she has it all. She's confident and outgoing. She has activities and hobbies she loves and pursues them daily. She's social and friendly, and everyone loves her. She loves the man she's with and they plan on spending the rest of their lives together.
I look at her and then I look at myself. I'm depressed a lot and am too scared to pursue the few interests I'm not even sure I really have. My social anxiety takes over a lot of my life and I don't know what to do about it. I lost the man I wanted to spend my life with and can't imagine another one stepping up. I feel like my life is just a big waste right now. I feel so pathetic.
I hate feeling like this and don't know what to do to change it. I feel like I'm sinking and can't get my breath.
I know you're not supposed to compare your life to others', but it really seems like she has it all. She's confident and outgoing. She has activities and hobbies she loves and pursues them daily. She's social and friendly, and everyone loves her. She loves the man she's with and they plan on spending the rest of their lives together.
I look at her and then I look at myself. I'm depressed a lot and am too scared to pursue the few interests I'm not even sure I really have. My social anxiety takes over a lot of my life and I don't know what to do about it. I lost the man I wanted to spend my life with and can't imagine another one stepping up. I feel like my life is just a big waste right now. I feel so pathetic.
I hate feeling like this and don't know what to do to change it. I feel like I'm sinking and can't get my breath.
This blog is such a teenage girl's diary...
Yesterday kinda sucked. It was the slowest day at work we've had in quite awhile and there was not much to do. I cleaned a lot. The boss lady taught me how to play Pirates Dice... that was pretty fun and would be a fantastic drinking game.
That afternoon I read a FB update that I'd pretty much been expecting, but totally threw me off the rest of the day. The 18-year-old from the last post who got married a month after dating the guy... yeah, she's pregnant. They're claiming they didn't know when they got married, but other factors are pointing towards they did. No judgement, they're happy. She even told me two years ago that she wanted to be married by 18 and pregnant by 20. I just worry about her... she's had a really rough life, and I don't think she's worked through all her issues. I'm hoping her new husband has stopped pursuing that other chick and will be totally committed to her. But we all know how some men are.
Even though I was expecting this news to be coming soon, it hit me harder than a lot of pregnancy announcements, and I can't quite figure out why. Maybe because it happened so fast for them. I mean, they haven't even been together two months yet. That's crazy fast. And she's so young.
Again, I'm probably just jealous. I still haven't gotten out of my funk. I'm all doom and gloom in my head when I think of my romantic future. I think I've just gotten used to the humdrumness that is my current relationship and am figuring there's no man who could actually find me attractive anymore.
I think the bf and I have kinda stopped trying to be anything close to romantic. I take that back... I think he's stopped trying. We're splitting up in a month and a half and he doesn't see the point anymore. That's my guess anyway. He rarely hugs me on his own accord, never kisses me unless I kiss him, never acts happy to see me at the end of the day... then again he hasn't for a really long time, and that's a big chunk of why we don't work. I need to know that my man actually wants to be with me. I need it to be obvious and not "Oh, I do love you, I'm just not an affectionate person." I need an affectionate person. Maybe I should stop being so affectionate towards him. Maybe that will make the actual act of splitting up and moving out easier on us both.
I've been scared lately. I'm scared that I've forgotten how to be and act in a relationship. I've grown cold and closed off sometimes with the bf, and I'm scared I won't be able to open up for a new one. I keep telling myself the right guy will love all of me, but in reality, will he? Will someone be able to look past all the issues and realize I've been hurt and am now very cautious but really want to let my guard down and get close? Will I be able to work through all those issues and know that it can be different with the right one?
I think it's good that I've been with this guy. You can learn something from every situation. I think I've just got to look at it like that and only take away the lessons learned from it. If it works like that.
I'm still hung up on trying to do that with my failed marriage. Some things are harder to let go of. It's been two years, come on! When will I finally move on from that??
But, now, to look at the positive... I'm off today and am having a nice, lazy morning. I have plans to lay out in the back yard and soak up some more sun today. I'm determined to actually have a tan this year. Awesome roommate is coming over for a pancake dinner tonight since the bf is working late. I went back to the gym yesterday for the first time in a few weeks and am determined to go more often, once this blister goes away. Any day now we should be getting the appraisal back on the house, and if it's good, will move forward with the inspection. I found some awesome bar stools for the house.
Life is good, and I will actually get out of my funk and see that once again. I will get my head on straight one of these days.
That afternoon I read a FB update that I'd pretty much been expecting, but totally threw me off the rest of the day. The 18-year-old from the last post who got married a month after dating the guy... yeah, she's pregnant. They're claiming they didn't know when they got married, but other factors are pointing towards they did. No judgement, they're happy. She even told me two years ago that she wanted to be married by 18 and pregnant by 20. I just worry about her... she's had a really rough life, and I don't think she's worked through all her issues. I'm hoping her new husband has stopped pursuing that other chick and will be totally committed to her. But we all know how some men are.
Even though I was expecting this news to be coming soon, it hit me harder than a lot of pregnancy announcements, and I can't quite figure out why. Maybe because it happened so fast for them. I mean, they haven't even been together two months yet. That's crazy fast. And she's so young.
Again, I'm probably just jealous. I still haven't gotten out of my funk. I'm all doom and gloom in my head when I think of my romantic future. I think I've just gotten used to the humdrumness that is my current relationship and am figuring there's no man who could actually find me attractive anymore.
I think the bf and I have kinda stopped trying to be anything close to romantic. I take that back... I think he's stopped trying. We're splitting up in a month and a half and he doesn't see the point anymore. That's my guess anyway. He rarely hugs me on his own accord, never kisses me unless I kiss him, never acts happy to see me at the end of the day... then again he hasn't for a really long time, and that's a big chunk of why we don't work. I need to know that my man actually wants to be with me. I need it to be obvious and not "Oh, I do love you, I'm just not an affectionate person." I need an affectionate person. Maybe I should stop being so affectionate towards him. Maybe that will make the actual act of splitting up and moving out easier on us both.
I've been scared lately. I'm scared that I've forgotten how to be and act in a relationship. I've grown cold and closed off sometimes with the bf, and I'm scared I won't be able to open up for a new one. I keep telling myself the right guy will love all of me, but in reality, will he? Will someone be able to look past all the issues and realize I've been hurt and am now very cautious but really want to let my guard down and get close? Will I be able to work through all those issues and know that it can be different with the right one?
I think it's good that I've been with this guy. You can learn something from every situation. I think I've just got to look at it like that and only take away the lessons learned from it. If it works like that.
I'm still hung up on trying to do that with my failed marriage. Some things are harder to let go of. It's been two years, come on! When will I finally move on from that??
But, now, to look at the positive... I'm off today and am having a nice, lazy morning. I have plans to lay out in the back yard and soak up some more sun today. I'm determined to actually have a tan this year. Awesome roommate is coming over for a pancake dinner tonight since the bf is working late. I went back to the gym yesterday for the first time in a few weeks and am determined to go more often, once this blister goes away. Any day now we should be getting the appraisal back on the house, and if it's good, will move forward with the inspection. I found some awesome bar stools for the house.
Life is good, and I will actually get out of my funk and see that once again. I will get my head on straight one of these days.
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