My Mom Died

It's taken me a month to write that down.  Well, tomorrow will be a month, and I'm still in shock.  I can't believe she's gone.  It happened so fast and was completely unexpected.  We really thought she had more time.  I think her body was just tired and couldn't keep going.

These past four weeks have been full of estate things and taking care of my step-dad, who is not doing well at all.  He had a stroke a few days before she passed and had another last week.  The grief and stress has taken a huge toll on his body.  He's in a lot of pain, has gotten very weak, and gets confused very easily.  I see him every day but will probably have to move in with him soon.  He probably shouldn't be living alone now, but he's fighting me on moving in.  He's been in hospice care for awhile now and has people out to see him throughout the week, a nurse coming twice a week.  I guess we'll see.

I remember a few times in the past (most recently a few months ago when a co-worker's mother passed away... before Mom was diagnosed) thinking how I just wouldn't be able to deal if my mother were to die anytime soon.  I couldn't even comprehend the thought of being in this world without her.  But now, here we are, and part of me still can't fathom it.  It just seems so unreal.  Every now and then my mind will for just a split second think maybe she'll be back soon.  I have a few voicemails from her on my phone that I've listened to a couple of times.  When I hear her voice I think for sure she's at her house and that I'll see her soon.

I find myself feeling like I'm on auto-pilot lately.  I'm going about life just trying to do what I need to do, and it seems like it's never-ending.  I cry on and off, but I don't feel like I've had real time to grieve.  On days I work I'm just trying to get through, and every day off is mostly filled with trying to take care of everything that needs to be done with her estate, their house and bills, his errands and trying to get him out of the house for a bit.  All while trying to spend some quality time with my boyfriend who really has been amazing and so supportive through all of this. I'm very lucky to have him.

I did get a tattoo for her the other day though.  It has her handwriting, a Christmas tree, and swirling snow.  She loved the holiday season and always got so excited when it snowed, and that's how I want to remember her.  I'm so going to miss our yearly trips to a store a few towns away when it gets all set up for the holidays.  We would wander around it for a couple of hours looking at everything and then we'd go to lunch.  We both loved it and looked forward to it every year.

I miss her so very much.