Scary Shit

My dad almost died the other day.  Technically he's my stepdad, but he's been in my life as a father figure since I was eight or so.  He's been in bad health for many years with advanced COPD that has severely affected his life.  He's also got heart issues and an inoperable hernia in his chest, I believe.

I got a call from my mother Sunday afternoon that he'd just gotten home from the ER and had been diagnosed with pneumonia.  My heart fell immediately, knowing that something like that could do him in.  She assured me he was okay for the time being.  I checked in on them Monday, and he was starting to feel a little better from the antibiotics.

My phone rang Tuesday morning at 2:24 AM.  It was my mother saying he'd taken a turn for the worse and I should come over.  This could be the end.  When I got there he was in bed and could barely breathe.  I held his hand and told him I loved him.  My mom and I spent several hours like that with him while he attempted to rest.  Sometimes he could say a few words. We basically said our goodbyes.  I didn't want him to go, but if it was his time, I hoped it would happen quickly.  It was heartbreaking to see him in so much pain. 

I can't write any more detail without getting way too worked up.  Long story short, he didn't want to go to the hospital.  He wanted to die at home.  But the pain became too much and he agreed we should call an ambulance.  After several hours in the emergency room he finally got pain medication and was breathing a little easier.  We got hospice care set up and he now has people coming by several times a week.  Hopefully he gets over the pneumonia, but if he doesn't, at least he'll be at home and will be able to go without any pain.  We're just taking it day by day right now.

Gathering moss over here...

Hello all.  Happy New Year.  A little late, but that's how I roll here lately.  Once again I feel like life has been stalled.  So many things I want to do, but I have to wait.  I want to get married, but I have to wait.  I want to try to get pregnant, but I have to wait.  I want to go to the gym and physically feel better, but I have to wait.

Second back surgery is scheduled for next month... the day before my birthday to be exact.  Hopefully I'll be getting out of the hospital the day I ring in my 32nd year.  So I'm waiting another month for that.  Then after I'll wait many months more... to heal, to be able to effectively exercise, to start that two pink lines trek again.

And I'm still waiting for an official proposal.  Part of me is thinking that if he really wanted to propose he would have by now.  I mean, seriously.  We started talking about this over a year ago.  I had my ring setting (we've already got the main stone) picked out seven months ago, and it's not expensive.  Then the logical part of me kicks in pointing out yet again how tight money really has been.  But how long has a girl got to wait?!

I've been in yet another funk for a while lately, and I'm tired of waiting for it to end.  I think all of the above plus a little more and just worrying about it has dragged me down here.  I considered taking anti-depressants again, but I keep telling myself I can get out of this without pharmaceutical help.

I've thought maybe getting creative somehow and physically making something could help and I've been antsy trying to decide on something.  Whenever (if ever) we do get married, a lot of the wedding and reception will have to be DIY, and I'd really like to start on it.  But I have to wait for the proposal and setting a date to decide on themes and colors and what exactly I want to make.  I asked him a little while ago if he'd thought of when he would like to have the wedding.  In true male fashion he said, "I'm thinking May."  So, four months?  Sure, that's totally doable.  *sigh*  I'll be lucky to even have the first ring on my finger by then.

I'm just bitching and moaning again.  I feel like that's all I do.  But again, this is where I come to do it, and the loving internet gets to enjoy it.  Joking aside, it is nice to have this place to vent knowing no one I know is actually reading.

Seven Percent

Here we go again.  Looks like I will be ringing in the new year with my third operation in eight months scheduled.  That's just crazy.  I met with my surgeon today who went over the MRI with me.  It's bad.  Even worse than last time he said.  The same disc has re-ruptured and is bulging even more than it did before the first surgery.  He said I'm one of the unlucky 7% that it happens to.  I always was an overachiever.

At first he mentioned physical therapy with spinal traction, but didn't think it would be effective based on the size of the bulge.  Surgically, he said I had two options.  One is to do the same procedure as last time... clean everything out and let it heal.  The second is to fuse the two vertebrae together so the disc wouldn't be an issue again.  The first would leave me with an increased risk of re-rupturing it once again, but it could also be just fine.  The other would cause more problems in the future like more back pain and the possibility of faster degeneration of the next disc up.  At my age, he recommended doing the first.  I agreed.

This just fucking sucks.  More work will be missed.  More money will be lost.  And I was really hoping that we'd get to start trying to conceive in the next couple of months.  So much for that.

I'm so frustrated right now.

Meals and MRIs

Hello all!  It's been quite a while!  A lot has been going on as it always seems to during the holiday season.  We were prepping for some of the boyfriend's friends to join us for a few days over Thanksgiving and were a little frantic for a bit.  We had to finish the guest bathroom which had been taken apart for painting a couple of months ago.  I'm happy to say it turned out very nicely.  We also needed to declutter the rest of the house to make room for two adults, two little kiddos and their large dog.  The house looked amazing!  Then they didn't come.  They would have been driving through that snow storm that hit the east coast the Wednesday before and didn't want to risk their family's safety.  We were bummed, but it was the right decision.

So instead all of the boyfriend's local family came over for dinner!  I was freaking out about cooking everything, but it turned out amazing.  We prepped as much as we could the night before and the morning of, and the actual afternoon cooking went very smoothly.  We did a deep fried turkey for the first time, and it really was one of the best I've ever had.  The whole event was relaxed and all eight of us fit in our little house pretty well.  They brought over three bottles of wine and about two whole glasses were partaken of one, so I've had some nice evenings since then, haha.

I am so thankful that I love his family and they seem to love me!  They are all so wonderful and we get along well.  The conversation always flows easily, and I feel very comfortable around them all.  I loved my former in-laws very much, but I never felt like I could relax around them.  Maybe it's because they were my first experience with "meeting the parents" and I really didn't know how to act.  Me being all awkward in general anyways didn't help, I'm sure.  It is a great relief to know that my future in-laws are freakin fantastic.

But through all this holiday wonderfulness, there have been some troubles.  Mainly, my back.  Oh, my aching back.  Well, leg actually.  The sciatic pain returned for good about a month and a half ago and PT isn't helping anymore.  I met with my surgeon who ordered an MRI with contrast, which I had this past week.  It was pure torture.  I can't lie on my back for more than a minute without being in some pretty horrific pain, and the MRI required I be in that position for about half an hour.  I was in tears it was so awful.  But they said the images turned out great, so there's that.

I meet with the surgeon again week after next to discuss the results.  He said it could either be scar tissue from the back surgery or something could be going on with a disc again.  I'm so frustrated and tired of being in pain every fucking day.  Luckily I have lots of good pain pills left over from the surgeries this year and they're actually working now with no side effects.  I'm thankful for that.  I'm just really nervous to hear what's wrong.

No Matter What

I've been thinking about marriage a lot lately.  Maybe it's because the boyfriend and I are getting closer to official engagement and have been talking about it more often.  Maybe it's because we've been discussing other long-term plans more.

Maybe it's because I had a dream about the ex-husband a few days ago.  I think he was more symbolic than anything because in the dream marriage was forever by law, and he was legally required to move in with me.  We were sitting in the kitchen discussing our lives and what had happened between us in the past.  I won't lie... I woke up missing him a little.

But more than anything I was left wanting that forever-no-matter-what commitment.  Which I feel mostly confident enough to say now I think I've got with the boyfriend.  I would say I know I have it, but if I've learned anything from the past it's that people and minds change.  You just never know.  But I do know that he's the one I want to try to have it with.

I love him so much, but sometimes he makes me so mad and to the point that I wonder why we're still together.  Why I kept going back to him.  Why I still love him.  But every day he shows me how he loves me, and when I look at him, even through that anger I want my life to unfold next to him.  I want our lives to play out together.  I want to see what the future has for us.

I heard a part of Sonnet 116 recently, and it's been repeating in my head.  Who knows if I'm interpreting it correctly, but here's what I got out of it.  I like to think we have that strong love now.  I realize that I bended in the earlier part of our relationship.  I was the remover.  He is like no one I had been with before, and some of that scared me.  I didn't think I could be happy with him.  But then again, I'm not sure I was fully in love at that point.  I believe I was on the way, but I wasn't there yet.

My heart knew better though and wouldn't allow me to fully let him go.  It continued to tell me to give it another shot.  I'm glad it did.

Quick Rant

I get so frustrated with some of my friends who have kids.  When I call or text asking about how they (the friends themselves) are doing, all I get back are either just pictures of the children or "Well, he's been doing this," or "She's been up to that."

I want to scream, "That is not what I asked you!!  I want to know how and what YOU yourself are doing.  Tell me YOUR thoughts, YOUR emotions!!"

I understand that their kids are an enormous part of their lives and make up a large part of what they do.  I don't at all mind hearing stories about the little ones, but I don't want to just talk about them.  And I don't want to be bombarded with pictures of them... one is enough.  

I can understand where they're coming from.  They're proud parents and want to brag about the newest things their babes have accomplished.  Although with one in particular I get the feeling her husband isn't too involved with the whole parenting process, so most of the responsibility falls to her... I wonder if at times she feels that's all she should or can talk about, which makes me sad. But that's a whole other post.

Anyways, they all know my story.  They know I sometimes have a hard time with things related to children.  I don't expect them to go out of their way or anything.  I just wish they could be a little more sensitive to the fact.  Or at least reach out to me every once in a while.  They are never the ones to try to keep the friendships going by reestablishing contact.  Grrr.

Okay, end rant.  I feel better now.

Local Doc

This week I finally had my follow-up appointment with my local gyno, which went well.  I was there for about an hour and a half, and most of it was just waiting.  I was in the main waiting room which was filled with pregnant women for about half an hour.  I totally agree with everyone who says there should be separate waiting rooms for preggo and for non-knocked up patients.

When I was finally called back I handed over the records from the surgeon, and the nurse started typing them all into her computer.  When she first looked over them she said, "You had all of this done at one time?  It's amazing you're moving around so well."  And this is five weeks after surgery.  I sat next to her for about twenty more minutes as she typed everything in.  As she escorted me to the next waiting room she said, "Sorry that took so long... there were so many -ectomies to type in!"  Yes, yes there were.

A few minutes later I was taken to the exam room where I would wait for the doctor.  For at least another twenty minutes.  It.  Took.  Forever.  When she finally came in she herself looked over all the records and notes and said, "You had endo all over the place... we never see that."  All I could think was, "And that's why I went to Atlanta."

She was actually pretty interested in everything.  She asked questions about the surgery and was impressed with how they did it.  She was pretty excited to do my exam and really wanted to see the internal pachingo stitches.  The exam wasn't very pleasant for me, but she said everything looked great and gave me the okay to resume normal activities after this cycle ends.  (Which, by the way, did coincide with another flare up in my back, which totally leads me to believe that they're related.  Craziness.)

She went over my list of medications and asked if I was still on birth control, to which I said no.  She asked, "So if you were to get pregnant now, that would be okay?"  I happily replied with a yes.  It felt wonderful to say that now, no longer being in the dark and knowing that my chances are much better than they were before surgery.  We want to wait a little while, but if it happens, I'll be completely okay with it.

Asking for Good Thoughts for a Friend

I'm sad right now and scared.  Someone I've known a very long time is in medical danger.  She's a girl who lived down the street when I was growing up and someone I used to babysit.  We share the same birthday, but a few years apart, and always give each other a FB shout out on that day.  We've never really been close, but she was best friends with one of my "sisters" for a long time.  We've seen each other through the years at various social functions.  At the most recent encounter we shared a reception table after a wedding where we talked a little and got to know her husband.

She's been pregnant and wasn't due until January.  I learned this morning that she's had the baby, which weighs one pound, and she herself has had a massive stroke.  And that's all I know.

Her mom is asking for people who know her to send out good thoughts for her, and I guess this is one way for me to do that.  If you could spare a moment for one too, I would be very appreciative.

No more walking dead...

I feel much better now.  It was definitely the pain medication that was making me feel like crap, so I just stopped taking it this weekend.  No withdrawals like after the last surgery, so yay!  I feel so much better and not as much like a zombie anymore.  My appetite is back and I have a little more energy.  Emotionally I feel a lot better now also.  I still tear up occasionally, but not at all like I had been.

I was supposed to have a follow-up appointment with my local OBGYN today, but I still haven't received the operation packet yet.  Dee Dee from Dr. Sinervo's office called this morning to check in on me and answered some questions.  I love her.  I really wish I could use them as my regular OBGYN.

I went to PT for my back yesterday because it has been hurting again.  I couldn't do a whole lot, but she helped with some stretching.  She is very interested to see how things will go as I continue healing since my last flare-ups have been matched up with my cycle starting.  I'm interested to see that as well.  She is pretty amazing too.  She had everyone there sign a "get well soon" type card for me, which was not expected at all.  And she's gonna squeeze me in next week for an unofficial non-appoitment on one of the machines there just to keep me loose and flexible while I'm healing.

I stopped by my workplace on the way back from PT to pick up my paycheck and to say hello.  I'm very bummed that I've had to use all of my vacation and personal days on these surgeries, but I feel lucky to even be able to.  It's also nice that there are three paydays this month.  :)  Everyone was happy to see me and said they were looking forward to my return, which looks like will begin with some half days starting a week from today.  My energy level is better than before, but I still lose steam very, very quickly.  I just don't see full days happening just yet.  And again, I feel lucky that my workplace is flexible in that respect and will allow me to return when I feel ready.

I made a voice recording on my phone at the post-op appointment back in Atlanta which I listened to today.  I really was pretty out of it for that.  It was good to be able to go back to hear again and remember some things that were said.

Also while listening, I realized that my voice really sounds like my mother's sometimes, which is not a bad thing at all.  She is so kind and friendly towards everyone she meets.  She was amazing during our trip, and I grew to appreciate her so much more, not that I didn't already.  She has always been there for me no matter what, and I hope that I can be half the incredible mother she has been for me.

She received an email from my aunt the other day saying that my cousin wanted Dr. Sinervo's information.  She finally confirmed that my cousin has endo and has been suffering for years.  This is the cousin that was never able to conceive.  I hope that she's able to see him and find some relief.  I love that through this albeit hard endo journey, I've learned so much and can hopefully help other people with information or even from just referring them to Dr. Sinervo.

I guess that's enough for now.  Everyone have a good rest of your day.