New Developments

First thing first... I have a new nephew!  My youngest "sister" had her first child, a boy, a little over a week ago.  He is gorgeous, and she is so happy!  They live very far away, and I have no idea when I'll get to see them but I can't wait to meet him!

I also have a new little one, but of the four-legged and furry variety.  This is my new kitten...

She's about seven weeks old and all of two pounds.  She was found by a co-worker's boyfriend under the hood of a car that had been driven to his shop to get worked on.  Luckily the person lived just down the street, and the three kittens inside weren't hurt at all.  I fell in love with her as soon as I saw her picture.  I've sworn up and down over the years that I would never have another kitten, but here she is.  My first cat was a little hellion as a wee one, and I've had no desire to go through that again.  But I've now got him all grown up and a dog to play with her, so I think it'll be okay.  Plus she already has the sweetest disposition I think I've ever seen in a kitten, so that's on her side too, haha.

I had lunch with my ex-boyfriend's mother a little while ago, and apparently it freaked him the mess out.  Which I of course find hilarious.  She doesn't know that he cheated on me, and I guess he was afraid that I would tell her.  She told him about our lunch date a week before we actually met up, so he got to fret for a while.  He wanted to know all about it and texted me not even a few hours after the fact.  Of course I didn't tell her, but I do get a tiny bit of enjoyment from his freakout.

He's been texting me every so often, trying to remain friends.  He said the other day that he misses us (me and the pets) and thinks about us every day.  And that he knows how to ruin a good thing.  Of course I'm over thinking the fact that he said he misses us and not just me.  I know our pets were and still are a huge part of our lives, and he loves mine too.  But I'm wondering if he misses that part of the relationship, our life altogether, more than being with me.

Someone asked me out the other day.  Technically, he asked me to "hang out", but that's the same thing these days, right?  I hate dating.  He's currently out of town for work, but asked if I would be interested in meeting up with him when he gets back.  I said yes.  Not sure how I feel about it or him yet... I only met him once a couple of years ago.  But I guess it'll be good to get that first date back in the stupid game out of the way.  From all I've heard about him, he could be a really good guy, so who knows.

I'm still worried about my back.  It was feeling somewhat better, but this past weekend it started hurting really badly again.  But AF is in town, and it always hurts then, so I'll give it a little more time before I call the doc.  Oh, and I got the final bill for the endo surgery.  Yeah... I'm going to be paying medical debts for the rest of my life.  Le sigh.

Oh, and I totally forgot to mention that I got a new piercing about six weeks ago.  I'd been wanting a non-traditional ear piercing for a long time, but never could decide what.  Then one day I decided to do it and got my inner conch pierced.  I love it!

So, yeah.  Mostly good things lately.

I'm Scared...

I'm scared that I've fucked up my back once again.  I was at work yesterday when a call came from a client that his family's dog had died.  He was out of town, and his teenage son found the body.  The son was going to bring us to the dog to have cremated.  Our vet side is closed on the weekends and we're short-staffed right now, so it was only me and one other girl working.  So I picked up half of an 80+ pound dog.  And now my back fucking hurts.

I know I shouldn't have, but there really wasn't an alternative.  I wasn't going to ask a teenage boy to carry the dog he's had since he was two years old to the back of a kennel, put it in a bag, and put it in a freezer.  No one should have to do that to their family pet.  That's what we do.  The surgeon gave me the all clear a few weeks ago and said I had no weight restrictions.  So I did it.  And now I'm scared the disc has ruptured once again.  I really have no way of telling without an MRI, so I'm just going to give it time and see how it does.  It doesn't hurt too badly compared to the worst it's ever been, but it didn't the last time it ruptured either.

I'm scared it may be time for a new job.  I really like where I am and enjoy what I'm doing, but it can be physically demanding at times.  Everyone there has been so understanding and helpful, not letting me do physical things, but shit like yesterday is bound to happen sometimes.  I did have a potential offer for a reception job, but it's not a certainty, and I'm not sure I'd want to do it.  But it's something to consider, I guess.

I'm scared that I'm never going to have my family.  Even if I do manage to find a fella and have a baby, I'm scared that I have no business trying to raise another human being.  I feel like I'm so fucked up sometimes that I would probably be a terrible parent.  I'm scared that I'm a failure at adult life because I didn't go to school for a steady job and have the money I need to support a family.  Right now I'm in so much debt from surgeries and am barely making ends meet.

I'm kind of freaking out a little.

Of course...

I took a big step this week.  I confessed my feelings to someone I've liked for many years and basically asked him if he felt the same and wanted to try us in an actual relationship.

He said no.

Because that's how my life goes.

He said it wasn't because he didn't feel the same back and that he really does think we'd be good together.  It's just that he's working through things and doesn't know what he really wants out of life with career, family, or kids.  He's not ready for that serious of a commitment.  Uh huh.  How many times have I heard that now?  I actually do believe him though.  He's always been very honest and upfront with everything, and I know he is going through something right now.  But it just sucks.

I think this was the first time I've ever really asked someone out like that.  And I really thought he would say yes.  We've got good chemistry, and I know he's been into me for years too.  I think we would be amazing together.

How old do you have to be to know what you want out of life?  I know that's not fair and doesn't work for everyone, but I've known I wanted love and family since I was in high school, and it's been so hard to wait this long.  My ex-husband said he wasn't ready for it all at 26, unless there was more he wasn't telling me.  Then my "friends with benefits" guy who I really liked as more wasn't sure at 28.  The most recent ex is 38 and says he doesn't know.  But he cheated on me, so who believes anything he says.  And now this guy at 32.  I mean, after so many people saying the same thing, you kind of figure you're the common denominator.  Is that just it?  Am I not meant to find it?

Or maybe I already have...

At least I've got him.

I'm Terrified

I think this whole being cheated on thing is affecting me more than I initially thought.  When I first found out I felt physically sick.  I was nauseous, lightheaded, and felt like I was about to jump out of my skin.  Then I was just angry that someone I loved could actually do that to me and not even feel badly about it.  Now that he's gone but still trying to communicate with me on an almost daily basis, it's starting to hurt at a deeper level.

I think I tried not to take it too personally at first, just blaming it on him being an asshole, but of course now I have more quiet time to myself to actually consider and process everything.  Now I'm scared that it's going to affect my future relationships.  If I ever thought I could trust anyone not to cheat it was him, given his history of being cheated on pretty badly in the past.  How do you let go of the fear of being lied to again?  How do you learn to trust?

He let me go on and on about our wedding and talking about our future children.  I went to that freakin bridal fair.  I feel like such an idiot.  But I didn't know.  He's a good liar.

I wish he had just been honest with me from the beginning.  I mean I certainly gave him plenty of opportunities to tell the truth.  I outright asked him, and he chose to lie.  So instead I found out the hard way and felt even more betrayed.  If he had told me way back when it first happened he could have saved me quite a few wasted months.  And a lot of heartache.  I hate being lied to.

I'm Free!

My house is all mine again!  The ex moved out this weekend while I spent time with some wonderful friends and their little one.  It was a perfect weekend.  I got to have girl talk and baby cuddles.  The drives up and back were good.  The change of scenery and time spent away was very relaxing and much needed.

I came home to a nearly empty house, which was bittersweet, I suppose.  It's nice to not have the tension anymore, but I'm readjusting to living alone again.  A majority of the common furniture was his, and the house is kind of empty now.  I still have my couch and chair, but they're so much smaller than his and take up less space, so the house seems bigger.  I got rid of my dining room table when he moved in because his was nicer, so that part of the house is just barren.  The front bedroom was our office and he took both the massive desks (I didn't want that huge thing), so that room is totally empty.  The loft is practically empty and is currently my new office.  At least the bedroom is still the same.  And there's a ton more room in my closet, haha.  The house is a blank canvas I will have to fill, which should be fun!

My cat seems very happy to have the other dog gone.  My dog was pretty depressed that he didn't have his friend to play with anymore.  He was very mopey at first, wouldn't eat and didn't really want to play at all.  I've been giving him a ton of attention, and his spirits seem to have lifted some now, which makes me happy.  He's been a huge cuddle bug too, which I've enjoyed.  I really do miss the other pup though.

It will just take some time to find our new normal.  We've done it before and are pretty good at it now.

A Liar and A Cheater

He did cheat on me.  He finally admitted it, but only after I told him everything I already knew and asked him specifically.  Turns out it wasn't with someone recently or local.  It was actually about six months ago when he went back home to visit some friends.  He saw an ex at a party and slept with her.

I saw an email he'd written to a friend about a month ago in which he said, "I cheated on her and didn't even feel bad about it."  So since October he's not given a shit about me and he didn't say anything until March.  Oh, he still says he loves me and wants to hang out and be friends, but whatever.

He cheated on me two weeks after my endo surgery.  I'd asked him to go with me to Atlanta, but he said he couldn't get out of work.  Then two weeks later he takes a week off to drive north to visit friends.  I thought that was fucked up then and do even more so now.

I feel so stupid.  "They" say hindsight is 20/20, and looking back I can see so many warning signs.  If I'm honest I saw a lot of them back then in the moment too, but I ignored them.  Not cheating signs, but ones to the kind of person he really is.  I wanted him to be "the one" so badly that I told myself I could live with our differences in values and actions.  I wanted to start a family so badly that I brushed off the fact that I wasn't really sure he was the guy for me.  All that being said though, I really did love him.

When we first got together he said that he would never hurt me.  I know that's something everyone says when they're in a new relationship and newly infatuated, but I keep thinking about it lately.  He'd been cheated on pretty devastatingly in the past and swore that he would never cheat.  Even last month when I first asked him, he insisted that he was no cheater.  All I wanted from the beginning of this end of the relationship was honesty, and I'm almost happy to find out the truth.  I knew he wouldn't have used the word "cheated" if he hadn't been with someone before we broke up, and I'm glad I got the courage to come out and ask him.

He's finally moving out in two days, and I won't have to see him anymore.  I'm going out of town this weekend so I won't have to be around for it all.  I'll come back home Sunday, and hopefully all his stuff will be gone.  Time for yet another fresh start.

Ready for Stability

It seems like a lot has happened in the past couple of weeks.  So many emotions constantly changing every day.  I'm ready for some new stability, and hopefully that will happen once the ex finally moves out next weekend.  We've been friendly towards each other, and it's just easier that way.  He's been very friendly and has actually tried to romance me the past couple of nights to get me to sleep with him again which isn't going to happen.  I found out the other day that he's actually talking with at least two other girls now.  Bully for him.  I'm ready to have my house back to myself and not be wondering or worrying about what a freakin man is doing.

I thought I was "talking" to another guy for awhile, but now I'm not sure anymore.  Since the breakup I've been texting almost every day with my guy friend from many years ago who lives half a country away.  I've always wondered if we would end up together one day.  He was doing some serious flirting back with me for awhile there.  We even had an almost three hour long conversation last weekend which was amazing.  We hadn't talked on the phone in at least two years, but it was like no time had passed at all.  I suggested the other day that we could meet up again, but he was all maybe-ish and I haven't heard from him since.  I was pretty sure he was single, but maybe not.  Maybe he's just not into me like that anymore.  Ugh.

My stepdad seems to be doing better for now, but I really have no idea what's going on with him.  He's off most of the medications and is more mobile now.  He's actually able to take care of himself for a few hours at a time, and my mother has been able to go back to work for the first time since January.  It's possible he could stay like this for awhile and it's also possible this is a rally before the end.  We just don't know.

We had some scary craziness at work the other day.  One of the employees vehicles caught on fire.  It was destroyed, took out the car next to it and damaged some of the building as well.  Two of our employees saw the first signs of smoke and were able to get a few things out of the car before the flames took over the whole thing.  The fire extinguisher did nothing.  It was awful and terrifying.  It seemed like it took forever for the fire department to show up, but in reality it was only a few minutes.  The fire just got so big so fast that it seemed like an eternity.  Luckily no one was hurt.

My back has been doing better, thankfully.  It gets sore at night but during the day it's mostly fine.  I saw the orthopedist and got a shot in my shoulder a couple of weeks ago.  It has been helping with the pain, and I've been doing some physical therapy at home.  I feel like it's starting to wear off though as the shoulder has been achy again lately.  I hope this doesn't turn into a thing.

It's almost too much...

I'm the biggest idiot alive.  I let people use me just because I don't want them to think badly of me or for things to end on a bad note.  I'm such a fucking idiot.

I discovered the ex cheated on me.  I'm almost one hundred percent positive it was before he broke up with me, but there's still a sliver of a chance that he didn't.  He swears up and down that he didn't start "talking" to her until after he ended things with me, but who knows.

This morning I told him to get out, then this evening I decided to let him stay the last month before his new place is available.  Even when I do and say things I know I'm justified in doing, just knowing that I'm making it harder on someone makes me change my mind.  He could have stayed with family or maybe even whoever he's "talking" to.  But I would have had to arrange times for him to come back to pack and crap which would have been awkward and I would still have that icky feeling in my stomach.

So instead I let him stay.  I'm being civil and keeping the peace.  He can pack over the next month, and I'll just swallow my anger for now.  It's worth it to pretend to be whatever towards him and me keep my sanity than kick him out and deal with getting all worked up and bitter whenever he would need to come over.

I could have just told him to go ahead and get all his shit out and not care where he ends up.  But I just couldn't.  Why couldn't I?

I asked him all sorts of questions, and he kept asking me why I needed to know.  Usually once I get all the facts I can sort through them in my mind, compartmentalize, then let it all go after some time.  I guess that's what I wanted.  I wanted to know the entire truth so I could take and learn from it what I could, then eventually let it go.

I still don't know if he was telling me the truth.  My gut says no, and for now I guess that's okay.  Whatever he did is already done, and me knowing or not knowing isn't going to change anything.  All I can do is wait for this month to be over and try to forget all the hurt he has caused me.

There are still good men out in this world, and I hope to one day be able to find the one that truly is for me.  Until then, I will stay positive.  I will still see the good in people.  I will trust until given a reason not to.

I will try anyway.

The Beginning of The End... Again

This might be the last couple of weeks for my stepdad.  For real this time.  Last week he said he was in a lot of pain, so the hospice doctor and nurse upped the dosage of his medication.  His body just couldn't take it, and the shit kind of hit the fan.  He was out of his mind.  When he became a little more clear-headed he decided that he didn't want to be on pain or anxiety meds anymore.  And he hasn't had any for almost a week.

My mom asked the nurse to come back out Monday to re-evaluate him since he was off all the meds.  She listened to his lungs and other organs and said that his body is now shutting down.  Apparently when it's towards the end a lot of hospice patients decide to stop their meds and still have hallucinations, like he is.  That along with some other things his body is doing led her to believe that he may only have a few weeks left.  She said at the end he may become less like himself and not realize who we are, then spend two or three days in a coma-like state, then pass away.

He's been pretty clear-headed the past couple of days, and it has been so wonderful to really get to talk to him again.  I even got him to laugh a little today, which made me feel so good.  He's sad and very weepy, but he says he's not in pain.  He has been so miserable for so long, and I hope that he's able to go with some sort of peace.